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A46934 The pleasant conceits of Old Hobson the merry Londoner Full of humorous discourses, and witt[y] merryments, whereat the quickest wits may laugh, and the wiser sort take pleasure. Johnson, Richard, 1573-1659? 1649 (1649) Wing J809A; ESTC R216319 20,832 52

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when thou stoopest low this lesson thou shalt finde Take heed of thy hinder part for breaking too much winde 〈◊〉 to such men that were so simple-witted as to beleeve his merry perswasions and thereupon would fondly bestow their mony he gave likewise this charme in writing Man that drinketh late over night take counsell by a foole When thou risest pray unto God thou mayst have a good stoole This was all the skill that M. Hobson had the greatest helpe he could teach them but this merry medicine of his made the ruder sort more wise and not after that time so vainly to cast away their money 38 How M. Hobsons jest of the sign of S. Christopher MAster Hobson and another of his neighbours on a time walking to Southwarke faire by chance drunke in a house at the signe of S. Christopher of the whch sign the Good man of the house gave this commendation S. Christopher qd he when he lived upon earth bore the greatest burthen that ever was which was this he bore Christ over a river nay there was one qd M. Hobson that bore a greater burden who was that qd the In-keeper marry qd M. Hobson the Asse that bore both him and his mother so was the In-keeper ca●led Asse by craft After this talking merrily together the aforesaid In-keeper being a little whitled or gone with drinke and his head so giddy that he fell into ye fire people standing by ran suddenly and tooke riuer nay there was one quoth M. Hobson that bore a greater burthen who was that quoth the In-keeper marry quoth M. Hobson the asse that bore both him and his mother so was the In-kéeper called asse by craft After this talking merrily together the aforesaid In-keeper beeing a little whi●tled or gone with drinke and his head so giddy that he fell into the fire people standing by ran sodainly and tooke him vp oh let him alone quoth M. Hobson a man may do what he will in his owne house and lye wheresoeuer he listeth the man hauing little hurt with this fright grew immediately sober and afterward foxe● M. Hobson his neighbour so exceedingly that comming ouer London bridg being very late ran against one of the chaine-posts at which M. Hobson thinking tt to be some man that had iustled him drew out his dudgion dagger and thrust it vp euen to the very hilts into the hollow post wherupon verily he had thought he had killed some man so running away was taken by the watch and so all the ●est was discouered 39. Of Maister Hobsons answere to a messenger of the Lord Maiors VPon a time M. Hobson had arested one of my Lord Maiors kinsmen for a certaine debt ●wing him and being in the Counter my Lord Maior sent one of his Officers for to intreat M. Hobson to be fauorable kind vnto his kinsman telling a long tale and to little purpose whom Mast. Hobson answered in this maner my friend quoth he what thou saidst in the beginning I doe not like of and what was in the middle I doe not wel remember and for thy conclusion I vnderstand it not and this was all the fauour M. Hobson shewed to my Lord Maiors kinsman 40. How Maister Hobson bade an Alderman to dinner THis M. Hobson on a time had a seruant that was full of words and too much talkatiue beeing offended therewith hee gaue him in charge to say nothing and to answere to that he was demanded and no more so vpon a day M. Hobson made a great dinner and sent his said seruant some two dayes before to invite an Alderman of London therevnto so vpon the day when dinner time came all the gu●sts staid for the Aldermans comm●ng till two of the clocke and at last M. Hobson said vnto his seruant didst thou bid M. Alderman to dinner yes truely said hee why commeth he not then quoth M. Hobson quoth the fellow he said he could not why ●oldst thou mee not so quoth M. Hobson because said the fellow you did not ask me Herevpon though long first they went all to dinner and being merry together drinking of Wine there came in a certaine Russian and stole one of the fairest siluer cups away the which the fellow séeing said neuer a word but let him goe which when M. Hobson missed hee demaunded of his seruant where it was Sir quoth the fellow a theefe came in and stole it away why didst thou not stay him quoth M. Hobson marry sir quoth he because he asked no question of me after this M. Hobson noting the simplenesse of his seruant let him haue his tongue at frée liberty 41. How M. Hobson grew out of loue with an Image IN the raigne of Q. Mary when great superstition was vsed in England as creeping to the crosse worshipping of Images and such like it was Mast. Hobsons chance amongst other people to bee in the Church and kneeling to an Image to pray as it was then vsed the same Image by some mishap fell downe on M. Hobson and broke his head vpon which occasion hee came not thither in halfe a yeare after but at length by the procurement of his neighbours hee came to the Church again and because he saw his neighbours knéele before the same Image hee knéeled downe likewise and said thus well I may cap and knéele to thee but thou shalt neuer haue my heart againe so long as I liue meaning for the broken head it had giuen him 42. How M. Hobson said he was not at home ON a time M. Hobson vpon some ocasion came to M. Fleetwoods house to speak with him being then new chosen the Recorder of London and asked one of his men if he were within he said hee was not at home but M. Hobson perceiuing that his maister bad him say so and that he was within not being willing at that time to be spoken withall for that time dissembling the matter he went his way Within a few dayes after it was M. Fleetwoods chance to come to Maist. Hobsons and knocking at the door asked if he were within M. Hobson hearing and knowing how he was denyed Mast. Fleetwoods speech before time spake himselfe aloud and said he was not at home then said M. Fleetwood what M. Hobson think you that I know not your voice whereunto M. Hobson answered and said Now M. Fleetwood I am quit with you for when I came to speake with you I beleeued your man that said you were not at home and now you wil not beleeue mine owne selfe and this was the merry conference betwixt these two merry Gentlemen 43. How he answered a Scriuener of the old religion VPon a time what with age and misdieting himselfe he took so great a sicknesse that he grew in danger of death wherevpon a Scriuener dwelling by was sent for who sauoring somewhat of the po●ish religiō councelled M. Hobson to take the Sacrament which is said the Scriuener the very body and bloud of Iesus Christ to whom M. Hobson replied being then vpō a Fryday oh neighbor quoth he I will eate no flesh on fasting dayes the Scriuener hearing himselfe flouted of the sicke man moued to him no further questions but fell to making of his Will as followeth 44. Of maister Hobsons last Will and Testament IN the name of God Amen I Maister Hobson the merry Londoner whole of mind but sicke of body do here make my last will and testament in manner and forme following First I giue my soule to God ●or that is his my life to death for he spares no man and my body to the worms for that 's their nourishment al my lands tenements and moueables to my wife and children reseruing a few legasies which I meane to bestow on the World I giue to all Gentlemen such a desire of pride that shortly an outlandish broker by them shall be held more in request then an English ●aylor and that London Citizens shall grow wealthy by the fall of riotous Courtiers also I giue and bequ●ath to London Merchant wi●es that they shall carry the mindes of Ladies of the Court euery moneth sicke of a new fashion Also I bequeath that Country Farmers wiues shall be in the fashion of the horne buske and silke girdles Likewise to Chamber-maides and waiting Gentlewomen I giue all my huge poaking stickes and French periwigs But as for my smaller sort of poaking stickes I bequeath to the modest sort o● Citizens wiues Also I bequeath to all ●●nches aboue thirtene yeares of age gold Hat●ands changeable fore-parts ●nd silke girdles and to young married men I giue all my yellow garters points and shoe-strings all of a sutable colour and to Kitchen maids that scowre pots and scrape trenchers all my washt gloues and silke laces and to all country dairy wenches that ride to London markets with cream and butter-milke all my maskes wyer-busks and silke coloured scarfes and to conclude to all England I bequeath the pride and fashions of all other Nations and if any will further vnderstand what other gifts old Hobson the merry Londoner hath bestowed inquire at his graue at S. Mildreds Church in the Poultry in London where he now lieth buried FINIS