magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
thing fearing lest I have too much eye to my own comfort and advantage which I beg of God to crucifie in me 12ly Though there be too much if the Lord saw it good of this wicked root of pride and self-confidence in me yet is the Lord pleased blessed be his Name ever and anon to be pulling off those proud plumes and put in me most ferious and solid thoughts to make me see that all that I have done or am able to do is very little and so making my soul in some measure to walk humbly upon this two-fold respect First Considering that my Lord is so worthy and the service that I am able to do so unworthy of him now shall that Lord that hath done so much for me have such service as this Oh how poor and low is it the thoughts whereof the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to abase me Secondly Another thing the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to humble my soul was the consideration of this That the defects in all my services of him arise not so much from without no nor from all the powers of Satan and Hell as from within as from the corruption of my own heart and this maketh me often cry out before the Lord of the body of death O wretched creature that I am the good that I would that do I not but the evil that I hate that I do 13. O my soul art thou not really glad if by any means thou mayest be made faithful and is not all that thou dost almost in order to this wherefore else dost thou read hear pray meditate converse with Saints but still that thou mightest be more able for and faithful in the service of thy Lord 14. Shall I say I gather some comfortable hopes hence that my Lord hath made me in some measure faithful in that I love my work more then my life I trust through grace I may speak something to this also I confess often times in my most serious thoughts if my heart do not wretchedly deceive me I could gladly part with this wretched life and desire to be with Christ which is far better and oftentimes am ready to be impatient of delayes until the Lord was pleased sometimes to quiet my heart with such like thoughts as these Shall be willing hereafter to receive my wages and should I not be as willing to do my Lords work here and in his own time What though it be sad work to work in the darkest Mines of Corruption and Temptation to be continually fighting and wrestling with those Enemies of my Lords and of my soul and shall I not be willing to do his work as the Jews did theirs in building the Wall of Jerusalem that he will have me to work with one hand and with the other to hold a weapon with my shield alwaies by my side in a continual fighting posture Shall I not be willing to serve my Lord in his own way O Lord if I know my own heart I would do it therefore Lord help me and make me faithful in it that I may never make any peace with one Enemy of thine or give them any quarter but continually seek their life ruine and blood who drew the blood of my dearest Lord. Lord shall say that these things do hold forth in any measure my faithfulness to thee Or do they not rather hold forth thy faithfulness to my poor soul who hast ever appeared faithful though I have been unbelieving and unfaithful yet thou hast been faithful and it is thou that indeed workest all my works in and for me which Lord hasten the compleating of making my soul such as thy soul may delight in even a Spouse fit for my Lord Jesus The next day being the 25. of the 10. Month commonly called by English people Christmas or the blessed time but I am sure through the rich grace of God it proved a blessed time to my poor soul for though through the temptations of Satan I went with a sad heart before the Lord this Lords day yet ever and anon was my heart filled with exceeding joy wâ—… joy arose in part from the refreshment the Lord gave me in communion with him over night after I had with some sadness attended upon him all the morning not finding so ful an appearance of his as I vvas filled vvith an expectation of yet in that afternoon hovv gloriously did the Lord appear through Mr. Knights Ministry in many sweet refreshments and seasonable truths to my poor soul which came in with so much the more life and povver the Lord having but the day before given me such a discovery of my heart and of the vvorkings of it before him as also of that full resignation that he hath wrought in me of my whole self and by-ends and will to him Mr. Knight spoke this day from 3 Joh. 18. and finished it there was one vvord in a special manner set upon my heart from 1 Cor. 1. 30. Who is made unto us of God wisdom righteousness sanctification redemption And oh how much need hath my soul of all these Of vvisdom to guide me Of righteousness to plead for me of sanctification being a polluted wretch defiled all over yea of redemption out of the hands of Satan my own corruptions seeing Christ is made thus of God not only in himself so but unto us Then up O my soul believe as thou wert then lively pressed to hadst so many svveet encouragements as thou hadst that day inwhich the Lord vvas pleased in a great measure to ansvver thy desires over night vvhich appearances of the Lord were so much the more glorious and his condiscention the greater by how much he had three or four times before gloriously appeared to my soul through our said Pastor but through one temptation or another I was still prevented from giving or returning publike Praises for it as I did desire but often provoked and occasioned rather to wrangle against my own mercy and fall to questioning how I might know whether they were appearances of God yea or no now that the Lord was pleased to pass by all this and so condiscend to my weakness and folly as to appear so gloriously as he did even as it were with an holy violence to force or constrain me to acknowledge it to Mr. Knight and desire him to bless the Lord for it providence ordering it so that I was all alone at the Meeting-House this day between the two Sermons for the space of two hours or more I earnestly desired the Lord to shew me what his mind was or what ends he might aim at in these tryals and administrations towards me as I sate ruminating and considering what ends the Lord might aim at there were these things hinted with mighty power upon my spirit as 1. Truly I feeling my heart before in a very dead listless cold frame in the presence of the Lord who did by
hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
spirit and keep it from utter despair and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable yet did the Lord so secretly support me that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude that I should certainly perish as Sathan continually suggested to me though I still feared it which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me though in a poor weak and low measure yet to follow him still often telling him that if I did perish my desire was to perish coming towards him following of him and begging mercy from him Then in the year 1650. June the 28 was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me in taking from me my dear and precious Father who was the chief comfort of my natural life and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit and indeed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions to instance in one to two It was strongly suggested to me that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord that now he would not only take him from me but even in this sad severe manner not once permitting him to speake to me or me with him which was also further aggravated with these thoughts that it was the more just with the Lord thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice in this time of my doubts and feares as I might have done Thus being tossed to and fro and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship and also considering that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared and indeed a wonder all things being rightly weighed that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God in not submitting quietly to his will the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me And upon examination finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him and so putting him in stead of God I did at last though with much repulse in my wicked spirit acknowledg it before the Lord and begg of him that he would shew me more and more what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke and that as he had now by his own immediate hand brought me within the letter of the promise being now fatherless that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ And thus I continued sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up though sometimes again inlarged Then about 2 or 3 moneths after being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother as also my self both at one time upon our bed of sickness visiting us with very strong feavers which being towards Winter brought us very low which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me At which time in the midst of all my weakness I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses though I could never make good any of these promises vowes or covenants by me so made hereupon I considered though with much trouble of spirit that I had found by sad and often experience that if I should live never so long I should live never the better nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burthen of my life and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me but contrarily I saw I was still pressed under with a body of death by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ and although I could not confidently beleeve that the Lord would be good to me yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else and therefore did desire to relye wholly upon him acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell and that if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me it was infinite unspeakable mercy Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more vvhich both my self and others about me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased after some fevv vveaks in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health all vvhich time being accompanied vvith many a sad thought my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal 42. 5 11. Wherein he calls his soul to accompt saying Why art thou cast down O my soul and
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
moneth observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government upon which for some time he was very weak in praying for it and seeking the Lord for them in place which was a great trouble to my spirit whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts desiring him to take a veiw of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day from that Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer shewing that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes that he often left his own behind with some other such hints which letter I did not send fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart but not presented at all save onely before the Lord who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer which was a real answer of my poor desires wherein the Lord shewed me that the desires I had were yet upon his heart for which bless the Lord O my soul who though thou didst not press them those desires being hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at There was the 10 of the 6 moneth at a private day of humiliation we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation our selves four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth The first was this one to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word what great advantages there are held out in it to the cleansing of the soul and perfecting of holiness in them but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls although if their heart deceive them not it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen which maketh them even cry out for deliverance and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more but shall be made like unto him desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends that seeing his will is in those things and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on and what shall be discovered to be the let it may also by him be removed whatever it be though in things never so near and dear and their hearts supported and born up and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet to be made to do to bear to suffer to forsake any thing for his glory But how graciously did the Lord this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth begin to answer one main thing in this request discovering to my soul that haply one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me but suffer corruption still to work might be that I might yet cry out more mightily to him happly I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon and the sight of sinne and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him and resolve to give him no rest yet not that I should content my self in pouring out those desires to him and so rest there as was also hinted to me the same day but to be watchful over my heart and conscience watching and praying calling and crying untill the Lord appears and not to think it enough to spread these desires before the Lord and then give way to sinne and temptation and corruption and as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth 1653. hinted to me what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin but that we come more near to him and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it and on the other side what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement now O my soul is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end or Sathans end oh therefore close in with God beg power and strength of him to do it Nay in farther answer the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief and first of my own heart this eleventh day saying O my soul is it not thy duty to beleeve for is it not said blessed are they that beleeve though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense yet O my soul roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith for faith is the substance of things not seen and the evidence of things hoped for therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death then faith shall cease and be of no use but now is the time to act faith when thou canst by the eye of sense see nothing but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work that it is his will even our sanctification and that we may well remember him with it and pray as he teacheth us that his will may be done so it shall certainly be but did the Lord discover to my soul the eleventh of this moneth that this also was part of the prayer of Christ sanctify them through thy truth Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave I thank thee O Father that thou hast heard me alwayes but I speak it for their sakes that they might beleeve now O my soul if this be Christs prayer and that as he saith Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely but all that should after beleeve and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh as he saith he doth then O my soul up and beleeve for this work shall certainly go on The truth is the Lord did herein not onely answer to this but to the other request also that was this day presented so that the Lord did answer them both even as I did at once present them both blessed for ever be his name Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight to be put up to God in way of thanks saying one whom the Lord hath been pleased through rich grace and mercy to hear and answer since our last meeting desires to
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
is the Lord that brought us up out of the Land of Aegypt that led us through the Wilderness through a Land of Desarts and of Pits through a Land of drought of the shadow of death through a Land that no man passes through and where no man dwelt v. 7 Brought you into a plentiful Land to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof but you entred you defiled my land and made my Heritage an abomination And was not this my condition How did the Lord with a strong and mighty hand bring me out of the Egyptian Bondage that sad slavery that I was in under Satan and those cruel Taskmasters he set over me in my ovvn heart and conscience my corruptions and guilt which laid insupportable burthens upon me both vvaies commanding me to make brick laying the Law before me but giving me no strength to do it nay continually hindering and pulling me back from it and yet scourging me for all the neglect of it yea through a Wilderness through a Land of Desarts did he carry me in vvhich I thought I savv my self vvholly deserted of God which was no small trouble to me through a Land of Pits yea Pits on every hand into which I was ready still to fall through a Land of Drought wherein my soul was ready to faint in me for thirst after the Lord yea through the shadow of Death And oh how then hath the Lord brought me into the shadow of death time after time laying me on my sick bed and pale death still looking me in the face with dreadful terrors and amazement yea to the very Pits brinck of hell in my own apprehensions which is the worst of deaths yea through a Land where no man passeth or dwells having none to condole my misery none being acquainted with it or me but wandering as it were by my self thinking and deeming that no soul was in half so sad a condition as I was but on the contrary hath not the Lord since oh that I could but bless his Name for it brought me into a plentiful Country shined upon my soul given me some tastes and glimpse I hope of the good Land which whiles I was thus entering into I did sadly wax careless and remiss after some time and too much taken with the vanities of this World and letting out my heart too much to the creature-comforts v. 9 Wherefore saith the Lord I will plead with you and with your childrens children will I plead hath any Nation changed their gods which are no gods but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit v. 13. They have committed two evils they have forsaken me the Fountain of living waters and hewed on t to themselves Cisterns broken Cisterns that can hold no water Oh! may not the Lord righteously complain thus of me have not I too much declined from him and run out after creatures in my affections and desires and placed too much happiness in other things which have been made appear to be broken Cisterns that could not hold any Water V. 14 15 16 And now saith the Lord Why art thou speiled have the Lyons roared upon thee and is thy Crown spoiled v. 17. Hast thou not procured this to thy self in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God whon he led thee by the way Oh! may not the Lord rghteously say thus to thee Are the Lyons let loose upon thee do trouble and sorrow come in again upon thee And is Satan let loose in any measure to torment thee Mayest thou not thank thy self Hast thou not brought it on thee Is it not righteous with the Lord to do so by thee v. 18. VVhat hast thou to do in the way of Aegypt i.e. to return from the Lord to the creature to seek any good what ever What hast thou to do to drink the waters of Shiloh or the waters of the River or in the way of the Aijyrians v. 19. Thy own wickedness shall correct thee oh Lord and hast thou noâ— made it to do so and thy back slidings reprove thee know therefore and see that it is an evit thing and bitter that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God and that his fear is not in thee V. 20 For of old time I have broken thy Yoke blessed Lord thou hast and burst thy bands and thou saidest will not transgresse yea Lord it is very true yet I have so done again V. 23. How canst thou say I am not polluted see thy way in the valley know what thou hast done thou art a swift Dromidary traversing her wayes Do but consider with thy self and thou shalt see what thou takest and how unwearied thy wicked heart is in its continual traversing that by being frequently carried out after other things then me V. 24. A wild Asse that is used to the Wildernesse that snuffeth up the winde at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all they that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they finde her Blessed Lord how clearly dost thou point as it were at my wicked heart which like a wild Asse a rugged thing and wild also very untamed and unruly unwilling to endure to be held in by any bridle or made any way ferviceable to thee But used to the wildernesse frequently conversing and running out after the things of this wildering world Yea snuffing up the wind And is not this a righteous judgement from thee that what ever my heart runs out after but thy self it should be but as vvind that for the present fills but satisfieth not nourisheth not but in the end tormenteth and causeth pangs tearing in the bowels oh this is the misery of my wretched heart that it can take and fall in with the World but hardly taken off VVho can turn her away Oh Lord how hard is it to give a turn to this wretched heart running out after any vanity here below who can turn it Thy Messengers may come and come with thy Word in their mouths and cry Stop and stand and make a parly but they are not able to give a real turn yea thou art pleased often times to come in with many a sweet motion by thy spirit and yet this gives not an effectual turn neither yea thou comest in often times many ways sometimes by mercy sometimes by afflictions and yet these neither can sound a retreat Oh that thou who only canst do it wouldst once please to give such a real turn to my heart in the pursuit after any thing but thy self that it may never be so any more V. 31. Have I been a VVilderness to Israel Oh Lord thou hast not been so to my soul V. 32. Can a Maid forget her Ornaments and yet my people have forgotten me Oh Lord Must not I cry guilty before thee here for did I remember that I should not so often sin against thee V. 33. VVhy trimmest thou thy way to seek lovet V. 36. Why gaddest thou