sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
others of like condition that the conuersations vvhich she vsed and the contentments vvhich she tooke were lawfull That she conceaued not her self to be in Mortall Sinne for if she had knowne anie such thing of her self she would neuer haue endured it That she was euer a great enemie to detraction yea and that the vvorld vvas euer safe in that kind when she vvas present for euerie bodie vvho knew her knew also that she would not so much as endure that this Sinne should euer be cōmitted in her hearing That she was neuer any way subiect to Enuy And that she had also neuer obserued her self to offend Almighty God either by Hypocrisie or euen so much as Vaine-Glorie That she alwayes stuck so very fast to the truth of Holie Scripture and euen to the least Ceremonie of the Holie Catholick Church that rather then beleiue otherwise she vvould endure a thousand deaths That she vvas not cordially addicted to anie thing but to serue and please our Blessed Lord And that in fine the vvhole vvorld seemed to her to be no better then a very Hill of Ants. Now this vvas the verie truth of the Case and this was the state of our Saints Soule from the first to the last And yet vpon the cōsiderations which I touched before this Blessed and Heauenlie Creature I say Heauenlie euen vvhilst she vvas yet vpon Earth would needs conceaue her self once in Prayer not only to see but euen to feele her self to be in those verie torments of Hell vvhich she held her self as hath been sayd to haue deserued for her sinnes and vvhich indeed vvould haue been litterally and finally true if our Lord had not preuented her and accompanied her and conducted her by his Holie Spirit and Heauenlie grace without which what liuing Creature can be safe But that otherwise she had actually committed such sinnes as for which hose eternall tormēts might be indeed deserued seems to be but an vngrounded and vnsound opinion in realitie of truth For the constant excellencie of her Life was such as that she beganne at the first where others might be glad to end it namely with feruent and inflamed desires of Martyrdome euen when she was scarce eight yeares old and both continued finished the same afterward in such vertue and expresse sanctitie of the highest kind as that the world may be rather willing then able to admire it to such a proportion as it deserues And therefore that conceipt of her great Sinnes and of her deserued place also in Hell seemes partly to haue had the true foundation vpon the iealous and sollicitous and curious enamoured and inflamed Affections of the faithfull watchfull loyall laborious thoughts of our Glorious Saint which tended almost euer towards a complying in most perfect manner with the duties to which she held that she was liable in her self and with the Inspirations by which she was so constantly sollicited and called vpon and as it were euen Courted by the powerfull and pretious hart of our Blessed Lord and partly yea and peraduenture cheifly by the ill quarter which she conceiued and acknowledged her self to haue kept sometimes with our Blessed Lord by not corresponding with his heauenly grace and not complying with his holie Inspirations and commiting some neglects in that kinde whilst yet she was so enarnestly moued by his Diuine Maiestie to giue-ouer certaine naturall affections and recreations of hers In regard of which vnkindnesse towards Almightie God she might haue congruously deserued to be depriued of God's grace afterwards and then she might also haue falne by degrees not only into greater faults but euen into greiuous Sinnes which might truly haue been then ascribed to her former lesser offences And so it was meerly the vnspeakeable goodnes of Almightie God and no merit of hers that she was not permitted to fall by degrees euen as low as Hell it selfe Like a man who in a small distemper of bodie neglects the helpe of Phisitians and growes thereby afterward into mortall diseases death Now therefore in all such things as might concerne the estimation which she made of her self in order either to the excellencie or deformitie of her life there is and let the Glorious Saint forgiue me this errour once of speaking truth no credit at all to be giuen her because that subiect lyes but in the way of discourse all things in effect of that nature vse to be iust of that verie colour whereof those Glasses be through which they are seen and I haue already shewed that hers were of the partiall Cutt. But as for those other things which occurred to be set downe by her in the Historicall way or els which are related as hapning to the person of the writer in the vvay of fact whether it were more or lesse as namely that she did and suffered and sayd and heard and felt saw whatsoeuer she affirmed in those kinds whether it were in the Naturall or Supernaturall way there can be no question made as I haue shewed els where but that all was most certainly euen most punctually true For els she either must deceiue or be deceaued whereof the former were a great impietie but farre enough from her the latter all circumstances considered and especially in parriculars of that nature no lesse then a most impertinent absurditie to be either affirmed or beleiued as was partly touched before It is true that both in her Supernaturall Prayer and yet more in her Visions and Reuelations there are manie things which surpasse anie Vnderstanding which is but meerly Humane but so also are there in finit other Particulars in the Ecclesiasticall Historie concerning other Saints which howsoeuer they seem and are strange yea and much more strange then these yet are they generally and most iustly admitted to the degree of Morall beleif For as we Catholiques are instructed taught that on the one side we must not be so light or rather in fine to the end that things may haue their right names not so very weake and foolish as to beleiue strange and supernaturall things without a mightie deale of authoritie and proofe yea and the Church her self doth most bitterly Excommunicate whatsoeuer Creature in the world who shall knowingly propound anie false thing of this kinde to be beleiued so on the other side that they are most iustly to be held both rash and childish and foolish who beleiue not that which multitudes of the most and wisest and worthiest and learnedst and holiest men beleiue Though yet still in all these Cases wherein the Church hath not expresly declared her self we are not to beleiue things with Diuine Faith but only with a Morall humane beleif no nor euen so much as that but only when they are so abundantly proued to be true as that they can not rationally be denyed or euen doubted by anie prudent pious man For to resolue to beleiue nothing at all which is eleuated aboue the ordinarie
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
in the Garden it vvas to my thinking as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me so quick vvas that sense vvhich I had therof in my hart and I vvas for a very great vvhile euen dissolued as it vvere in teares and felt a great affliction and vexation O my deare Lord hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer and vvhat torments doth it endure for the loosing of her libertie vvhilst yet she vvas created and ordained to be the Ladie of her self and to command For my part I am in a wonder how I could be able to endure so great torments But blessed be Almightie God who gaue me life till I might get out of that so deadly a death And now me thought my Soule was obtaining great strength at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie and that now he might grow to be pleased to heare my Outcryes and haue compassion of my so manie teares Vpon this my affection to spend more time with him beganne to encrease and to take my self also out of the way of ill occasions for when they once were gone I began to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe At least I thought I might conclude my self then to loue him but the truth is that I vnderstood not as I ought to haue vnderstood in what the true loue of God did consist and to the best that I am able to iudge I did euen scarce make an end of disposing my self finally to resolue to serue him when his Diuine Maiestie began already to vouchsafe me new Regalos and Fauours And it seemes that what others must be glad to endeauour to get with much labour our Lord was faine to find meanes to make me content to accept which was in these latter yeares to delight and regale me in great measure I neuer presumed to desire that he would giue me euen so much as anie tendernes of deuotion but I only begd so great mercie as might winne him to allow me pardon for my sinnes already committed and so much grace as that I might committ no more But I seing how great they were durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's or spirituall delights at his hands for me thought he shewed me pittie enough and it was really a very eminent mercie to consent that I should ariue to be in his presence considering how well I knew that if himself had not procured it I should neuer haue come Only once in my whole life I remember that whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion I desired him to giue me some little spirituall gust but as soone as I reflected vpon what I had donne I remained so full of confusion by it that the onlie vexation I had to see my self with so little humilitie did giue me that verie aduantage which I had presumed to beg I was not ignorant that it might be no way an vnlawfull thing to desire it but I conceaued that this was true for them vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it by their hauing procured true deuotion vvith all their power vvhich consists in not offending Almightie God and in being inclined and resolued to doe all that vvhich vvas good And mee thought those teares of mine vvere but faint and feminine teares and vvithout anie force or strength since I obtained not that by them which I desired though yet vpon the whole matter I also belieue that they were vsefull to me as I haue sayd For in particular after those two seuerall times of that so great compunction and trauaile of hart which I had I beganne to giue my self more to Prayer and to interest my self lesse in such things as might doe me hurt though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer but God as I was saying went helping me to withdraw my self out of those dangers For his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation or disposition in me that so his Spirituall Fauours might grow on in such sort as I shall relate our Lord being not accustomed to grant them but to such as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie then mine had formerly possessed THE TENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vve may be able to help our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of herself that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her I Enioyed sometimes as I sayd some beginnings of that which I shall now declare though it vsed to passe away very quickly It fell out in this representation whereof I spake when I placed my self neer Christ our Lord yea and sometimes also when I would be reading that there would come suddainly vpon me and without either expectation or anie immediate preparation on my part such an euident feeling of the presence of Almightie God as that I could by no meanes doubt but that either he was within me or els I all ingulfed in him This was not in the manner of a Vision but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie and it suspends the Soule in such sort that she seems to be wholy out of her self The Will is in act of louing the Memorie seems to me to be in a manner lost the Vnderstanding in my opinion discourses not although it be not lost yet it workes not in that kinde as I was saying but remaines as it were amazed to consider how much it vnderstands though yet it pleases God that it vnderstand it self also not to vnderstand fully anie part of that which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it Before this time I had been vsed to finde a very constant and continuall tendernes or sweetnes which I thinke may in some part be procured and it is a regalo which is neither wholy sensuall nor wholy spiritual but it is wholy the guift and blessing of Almightie God and it seemes that we may greatly help towards the obtaining this for our selues by considering our owne basenes and the ingratitude which we vse towards Almightie God how much he did for vs his Passion and grieuous Torments his whole Life which was so full of affliction to delight our selues in considering his Workes and his Greatnes how much he loues vs and manie other such things as these vpon which whosoeuer shall haue care to profit will be able to fall manie times though yet he haue iust then no particular designe that way And if togeather with these reflections the partie fall out to be possessed and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God the Soule will be all regaled the hart will be full of tendernes and relenting and teares will also abound which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten as it were by force and at other times
things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
vpon him and he will haue her take her case and only that the Will may accept of those Fauours which she enioyes and she must offer her self to goe through with all that which he who is true Wisdome shall be pleased to ordaine for which purpose there is really need of a great deale of courage For so great * and high vses that ioy to be that sometimes it seems that there needs not so much as a haires breadth for making the Soule goe instantly out of that Bodie and O what a happie death would that be And heer me thinkes that comes in very well which once was sayd to your Reuerence that you must leaue your self wholy in the Armes of God If he will carrie you to Heauen That you goe If to Hell there will be no torment there so that you be with him who is your totall good If instantly to make an end of this life That you desire nothing els And yet that you be as well pleased if yet he will haue you liue a thousand yeares Let his Diuine Maiestie dispose of you as of a thing which is properly his owne for your Soule is now no longer yours but it wholy belongs to our Lord and therefore you must be altogeather out of care Now I say that in so eleuated and high a Prayer as this she vnderstands that she can performe it without anie wearines at all to the Vnderstanding for when God giues this Prayer to a Soule she is able to doe all this yea and can also worke other manner of effects then these Only me thinkes she is as it were amazed to see our Lord performe the Office of a good Gardner so well and is not pleased that she should take anie trouble or paines but only that she is to delight her self in beginning to enioy the odour of those Flowers For in one such approach as this how little a while soeuer it may last such a kind of Gardner this is for he is the Creatour of the Water and he giues it so very freely beyond measure that what this single poore Soule was not able to assemble by the labour of tyring-out her Vnderstanding in twentie yeares togeather this Celestiall Gardner doth it all in one moment of time and the Fruit doth so grow and become ripe that it is able through the good pleasure of our Lord to sustaine the Owner thereof and to enable him to liue vpon the gaine which he makes by it Only he giues not this Soule leaue to Present of this Fruit to others till such time as she be growne strong by what her self hath eaten of it and she must not squander it away in trying idly how it tasts For so she not valuing the profit which she might make by it nor they paying her anie thing for it to whome she gaue it she comes to maintaine and feed them vp at her cost whilst her self may by degrees grow to be readie to dye of hungar This will perhaps be well comprehended by them who haue a right kind of vnderstanding and will know how to apply it better then I can declare it and now I am euen wearie to thinke if it In a word the truth is this that the vertues which are obtained in this Prayer remaine so much stronger heer then in the Prayer of Quiet whereof I spake before that the Soule cannot be ignorant thereof For she finds her selfe to be wholy growne another kind of thing then she was and she beginnes she euen scarce knowes how to act and worke great things by the odour which the Flowers yeild of themselues For now our Lord is pleased that they may sprowt and open to the end that she may know she hath vertues though yet with all she see very clearly that she was not able to acquire and get them but that the Celestiall Gardner was pleased to impart them to her as it were at an instant The humilitie also of this Soule is much greater and more profound then in the former Prayer because she sees more clearly that her self did neither much nor little but only consent that our Lord might doe her those Fauours and she embrace them with her Will To me it seemes that there is in this kind of Prayer a very euident Vnion of the whole Soule with God saue that it also seemes that his Diuine Maiestie giues libertie to the Powers thereof to vnderstand and enioy the abundance of what he works therein Now it happens sometimes yea and manie times that the Will being thus vnited that your Reuerence may see both that this may be and may also be able to vnderstand it when you haue it and at least it puts me almost out of my witts therefore I relate it to you heer knowes and vnderstands that it is tyed-vp and bound and yet in condition of enioying I say againe it knowes that it self being the Will remaines in much Quiet whilst yet on the other side the Vnderstanding and Memorie are free and are able to treat of businesses to attend to certaine workes of Charitie Now though this seem to be all one with that which was spoken of in that other Discourse of Quiet Prayer yet it is different Because there the Soule is in such case as it would faine not stirr nor moue it self in that kinde of Prayer as enioying the leasure and contemplation of Marie I meane of S. Marie Magdalen Whereas heer in this Prayer she can also act the part of Martha So that she doth now in effect performe the offices both of the Actiue and of the Contemplatiue life and all at once and is able to exercise her self vpon those businesses and workes of Charitie which are incident to her condition And she can also read though yet still the Powers or Faculties of her Soule are not absolutly the Lords of themselues and still she vnderstāds well enough that the greatest part of her self that is to say her cheif attention and operation is somewhere els It is iust as if we were speaking with some one and that withall at the self same time some other person were speaking to vs in such sort as that we were not entirely attentiue either to the one or to the other But it is a thing which is perceaued very clearly and giues great satisfaction and contentment whensoeuer it ariues and it vses to be a very great preparation and disposition to the end that whensoeuer the Partie may be in anie Solitude or exemption from busines the Soule may instantly enioy a very perfect quietnes and repose This is a certaine Being as if a person receaued such a kinde of satisfaction and cessation of appetite in himself as that he would haue no need at all to eat but felt his stomack content in such sort as that he would not easily apply himself to tast of whatsoeuer should be set before him but yet withall that if he saw such meate as he liked he would not forbeare to
hath anie experience will find that euerie word of this which I haue sayd is litterally certaine and I blesse Almightie God for enabling me to declare it as I haue done And now I end this part of the Discourse with saying that me thinkes when such Words proceed from our owne Vnderstanding we may easily come to know it if we haue a minde to it and euerie time that we are in Prayer we shall conceiue that we vnderstand them But in this other kind of Words or Speeches it is not so for it will be manie dayes wherein though I should desire to vnderstand somewhat of that kind it would be absolutly impossible and when at other times I haue no thought that way I must yet vnderstand it as I haue sayd And me thinkes that whosoeuer had a minde to deceiue others affirming himself to vnderstand that from Almightie God which is from himself might as well and it would cost him as little affirme that he heard it with his eares And it is a most certaine and reall truth that for my part I neuer thought that there was anie other way then that for the hearing and vnderstanding anie thing till I found in mine owne case that this which I haue now deliuered is true and it hath cost me as I sayd much trouble When these things proceed of the Diuel they doe not only not worke anie good effects but leaue also very ill ones behind them But this hath not hapned to me aboue twice or thrice and I haue instantly been aduertised by our Lord that they were of the Diuel And besides the great drynes which they leaue behind them they also giue the Soule much disquiet after the manner of those manie other times when our Lord hath permitted me to haue great temptations and troubles of Soule in different kindes and that I should often be tormented as I will declare heerafter But this is a certaine kind of disquiet of which we know not how to vnderstand from whence it comes but it seemes that the Soule resists it and is put into great disorder by it and is afflicted without knowing for what in regard that the Diuel saith that such or such a thing is not ill but good I conceiue that if one Spirit may be able to find and feele another the gust and delight which this Diabolicall Spirit giues is different in my opinion from the other after a most euident manner The Diuel may well deceiue some such person by giuing him gusts as neuer receiued anie before from Almightie God for these latter are gusts indeed which import a sweet strong well-imprinted quiet delightfull kind of pleasure and ioy for as for those little prettie deuotions of the Soule and certaine other slight feelings which be like little young flowers that are shaken off and lost vpon the least little wind of persecution I doe not call them Deuotions though yet they are good beginnings and holie motions but no way sufficient to determine whether the effects proceed from a good Spirit or a bad and therefore it will be very necessarie to walke in this kind of things with huge caution for such persons as shall not haue proceeded further in Prayer then thus farre may easily grow to be deceiued if they fall out to haue Visions or Reuelations For my part I neuer had of these last till God through his owne onlie goodnes gaue me Prayer of Vnion vnlesse it were that first time whereof I spoke and it hapned to me manie yeares agoe when I saw Christ our Lord and I would to God it had pleased his Diuine Maiestie that I had vnderstood at that time that it was a true Vision as I vnderstood it to be afterward for it would not haue been of small aduantage to me But now vpon these illusions of the Diuel there neuer growes any sweetnes or softnes and supplenes to the Soule but she remaines as if she were frighted and with much disgust And I hold it for very certaine that Almightie God will neuer permit the Diuel to deceiue anie Soule which puts no confidence at all in her self and which is fortifyed in the right Faith and resolues thus much for her part that she would dye a thousand deaths for the least Article thereof and who togeather with this Loue and Faith being infused into the Soule by Almightie God which is a Liuelie and strong Faith indeed procures alwayes to goe in conformitie with that which is taught by the Holie Catholique Church informing her selfe further by seuerall wayes as a person who is strongly seated in this truth That all the imaginable Reuelations of the whole world no not if she should see the verie Heauens open themselues could make her varie in the least point from the Doctrines and Decrees of the sayd Church But if she once come so farre as but to shake or wauer euen in one single thought against this or entertaine her self so farre as to say But novv if God himself say thus to me as he hath sayd such other things to Saints this may also be true I say not that she beleiue it but that the Diuel beginne to tempt her by this motion and that she be content to continue her self a little therein a bodie may see already that this is starke naught But for my part I beleiue that manie times euen these other first motions will hardly euer come so farre as euen but to set vpon such a Soule if she be already so strong as our Blessed Lord is wont to haue made such as to whome he vses to impart these Fauours For me thinkes she might be able to teare those Diuels euen to fitters whensoeuer there might be question of anie one single little Truth which the Church holds I say that if the Soule doe not find such a strength as this in her self and that the deuotion or Vision which she had doe not assist and help her-on therein let her not hold anie such Vision for safe because though the hurt of it be not instantly vnderstood it may perhaps grow by little and little to be great For to the vttermost of what I can discerne and know by experience the reputation and credit that such a thing is of the Spirit of God is setled and assured in such sort as that it also goes in conformitie to Holie Scripture And when it should be found to varie from this Rule though it were neuer so little I thinke I should be then much more sure without comparison that it were of the Diuel then now I haue assurance that it is of Almightie God how great soeuer I might find that assurance to be For in that case we should haue no need at all to goe in search after signes nor to enquire of what Spirit it were since this is so cleare a signe to make vs beleiue that it is of the Diuel that if all the world should endeauour to assure me that it were of God I would not beleiue it
himself vouchsafed to tell me that they would so take care of me as that I might not be deceiued And accordingly I haue often seen and that very clearly though yet not by way of anie Imaginarie Vision or represented person these two Glorious Saints who are so much my good Patrons standing by me vpon my left hand and that after a very euident manner But now this order of those others to make signes of contempt and scorne whensoeuer I had that Vision of our Blessed Lord did put me to a mightie kind of paine for when I saw him present before mine eyes it was impossible for me to beleiue that it was the Diuel though they should haue torne me into a thousand peices to make me doe it and therefore it was a strange kind of Pennance which they put vpon me But now to the end that I might not be so perpetually Crossing my self I tooke a Crosse into my hands and this I did in effect alwaies but indeed I vsed not those signes of scorne so very often for that afflicted me too much For I well remembred the affronts iniuries which the Iewes had put vpon our Lord so I humbly besought him to pardon me if I did the like since I did it by way of Obedience to them whome he had appointed in his owne place and I prayed him not to lay it to my charge since they were the persons whome himself had placed in his Church He told me then that I should not be troubled at it and that I did well in obeying them and that he would bring them at length to vnderstand the truth But when they for bad me to vse Prayer me thought our Lord was growne angrie at it yea and he bad me tell them that this was a verie tyran̄ie in them and he gaue me also wayes how to make me know that this was not a worke of the Diuel and I will touch vpon some one of them afterward When once I had the Crosse in my hand which was at the end of my Rosarie he tooke the same into his and when he gaue it me againe it consisted of foure great Stones incomparably more pretious then Diamonds for there is no such thing in this world as that which goes in the Supernaturall way and a Diamond is but an imperfect and counterfeit kind of Stone in comparison of those others whereof I speake Now these Stones had the Fiue Wounds of our Blessed Lord in them after a most curious makeing and he told me that I should see him iust so from that time forward and so I did and now I no longer saw the wood whereof the Crosse was made but only these pretious Stones and yet so as that no other saw them but my self When they beganne to command me to make these tryals or proofes and to vse resistance to those Fauours they grew on to a higher encrease for though I might haue a minde to diuert my self yet I neuer was out of Prayer nay me thinkes I was in Prayer euen whilst I slept for heer all was growing-on and growing-vp in the loue of our Blessed Lord and the making also of a pittifull kind of complaints which I vttered to him and my not being able to endure it nor was it in my power though I had desired it and least of all when I procured it to giue ouer my thinking vpon him But yet still I obeyed them as well as I could though yet I were able to doe little or nothing therein Now our Lord did neuer free me from obeying them but howsoeuer it be true that he commanded me to doe as they bad me he yet gaue me assurance otherwise yea and instructed me also about what I should say to them and the same he doth also to this day and he taught me so concluding reasons of all things that they gaue me all sufficient assurance And now his Diuine Maiestie hath begunne very lately to performe what he had been pleased to promise me before as namely to assure me yet better that it was he for there grew in me so great a loue of Almightie God that I knew not how it could get into my hart and it was of a very Supernaturall kind nor was it I who procured it I then found my self euen as it were to dye through a desire wherein I was to see Almightie God nor could I come to know how I might be able to seeke-out this kind of life but by the way of death There came vpon me so great impetuosities or impulses of this loue that howsoeuer they were not so insupportable not yet altogeather of so high value as those others were which I related before yet knew I not what to doe with my self for nothing could now giue me satisfaction nor was I able euen to containe my verie self but really it was with me as if my Soule had been directly torne out of my Bodie O most admirable kind of artifice of our Lord what manner of choice and delicate industrie is that which thou art pleased to vse towards this miserable Slaue of thine For thou didst hide thy self from me and yet withall didst euen then presle vpon me so very close with thy loue by giuing me such a delightfull and sauourie kind of death as that the Soule by her good will would neuer be deliuered from the same Whosoeuer hath neuer tryed and felt these so great impetuosities of Diuine Loue it is impossible that he should be able to vnderstand them for this is not a kind of restlesnes of the breast or hart nor anie of that kind of deuotions which are wont sometimes as it were to stop the breath in such sort as that the Soule is not able to containe her self But this is an inferiour kind of Prayer to that and heerin we are to procure to remoue such kind of promptitudes and vehemences as those and to endeauour to retire them sweetly into themselues so to appease and calme the Soule For this is in some sort as when little Children cry and sobb sometimes so thick as that they are euen readie to choake and when the Nurse giues them drinke that excesse of their passion and expression beginnes to cease And so in this case also is Reason to take the bridle into the hand for perhaps the verie naturall condition and constitution of the person himself may be the thing which contributes somewhat to this state of minde at that time And therefore let consideration be vsed for feare least all should not be perfect and least a very great part thereof fall out to haue some what of the Sensuall in it and let this Child be stilled by some Regalo or other of Loue which may induce it to exercise and expresse the loue it self which he also beares by a moregentle and sweet kind of way and not thus as it were by going to cuffes But let them goe retiring that verie loue of theirs into the more inward part
of the Minde and not suffer it to passe on and out so farre like some Pott which doth first so boile vp and then so boile-ouer as that the broth or water is quite spent and lost because no discretion was vsed in the quantitie of wood or coales which was put vnder it And thus let them procure to appease and slake the flame which is fed by that vehement fire with sweet and gentle teares but not with such as are forced or painefull as they are wont to be which proceed from such a vehement kind of sense as I haue formerly expressed for such are wont to be of very great inconuenience to the Partie My self vsed to haue such as these in my beginnings and they would euer leaué my head in such disorder and my Spirit in such a wearines and weaknes that I was not able sometimes for a day yea and sometimes for more dayes then one to returne to the exercise of Prayer So that we are to vse great discretion in those beginnings of ours to the end that all may goe on with much sweetnes and that the Spirit may be taught the way of operating and exercising it self inwardly and we must diligently procure that the exteriour may be auoided as much as we can But now these other impetuosities and impulses are of a most different kind and condition for heer it is not we who bring-in the wood but the fire seemes to be made already to our hands and instantly we are readie to cast our selues into it that so we may be wholy consumed The Soule doth not heer procure to make her self feele the wound which growes to be made in her by the absence of our Lord but they driue sometimes a sharp Arrow into the verie liueliest part of the hart in such sort as that the Soule her self is not able to tell distinctly either what she ayles or euen what she desires only she knowes very well that she desires and loues our Lord and that the sayd Arrow seemes to be toucht and rubbed-ouer with some bitter hearbe or other to make her euen hate her self through the loue of this Lord and to wish with all her hart that she might loose her verie life for his sake It is not in our power to expresse and much lesse to relate with aduantage the manner how God approaches and ariues to such a Soule as this or the excessiue paine that he giues which makes her not to know euen what to doe with her self But yet this verie paine is such a sauourie kind of thing withall that there is no delight in this whole world which is able to giue her more gust For the Soule as I was saying would alwaies be very glad if she might be euer dying of this Disease This paine and glorie togeather did carrie my Vnderstanding into such such distraction and disorder that I knew not how they both could possibly consist togeather O what a thing it is to see a Soule so wounded for it is iust in such sort as that one may very well affirme it to be wounded and that for a most excellent cause for now she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute no part of the reason why this Loue should grow but only it seemes that some little Sparke fell downe vpon her from that immense Loue of our Lord which set her so totally on fire O how often doe I remember that Verse of Dauid whensoeuer I find my self in this case Quem admodum desider at ceruus ad fontes aquarum ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus meus As the Hart desires to plunge himself into the Springs of vvater so doth my Soule desire thee O my God For really me thinkes that this is euen litterally fulfilled then vpon my self Whensoeuer this comes not vpon me with great violence me thinkes I can a little appease my Soule and at least she is prouing to find some remedie For as for the performing of certaine Pennances she findes not almost in that case for what they serue for they all are felt by her no more nor puts it her to anie more paine to shed her bloud then it would if she were directly dead But in that case she is in earnest search after the finding-out some new wayes or meanes how she may be able to suffer much for the loue of our Lord but so great is that other former greif of minde that I know not what Corporall torment can possibly be able to drowne it for the remedie thereof consists not in such things as these since these medecines are of too inferiour a kind for the perfect cure of so deeply-rooted a Disease We receaue indeed some little ease and the affliction passes away to some small proportion by this meanes and by begging also the remedie of her miserie at the hands of our Blessed Lord though yet for her part she knowes not how to find anie at all but only in death for by that meanes she hopes entirely to enioy her Soueraigne Good At other times this paine falls vpon a Soule so feircely that neither this nor anie thing els can be done for it peirces the whole bodie through and through and neither can the hands or feet be stirred nay if we chance to be on foot and may happen sometimes to sit downe we doe it like a kind of transported Creatures Nor can the Soule so much as breath but only vtter certaine profound lamenting sighes which yet are not great in shew because she is not able to expresse them though yet they be very great in themselues It pleased our Blessed Lord that I should haue sometimes this following Vision I saw an Angell very neer me towards my left side and he appeared to me in a Corporeall forme though yet I am not wont to see anie thing of that kind but very rarely For though Angells be represented often to me it is yet without my seeing them but only according to that other kind of Vision whereof I spake before But in this Vision our Lord was pleased that I should see this Angell after this other manner He was not great but rather little yet withall he was of very much beautie His face was so inflamed that he appeared to be of those most Superiour Angells who seem to be all in a fire and he well might be of them whome we call Seraphins but as for me they neuer tell me their names or rankes yet howsoeuer I see thereby that there is so great a difference in Heauen between one Angell and another as I am no way able to expresse I saw that he had a long Dart of gold in his hand and at the end of the iron below me thought there was a little fire and I conceaued that he thrust it some seuerall times through my verie Hart after such a manner as that it passed the verie inwards of my Bowells and when he drew it back me thought it carried
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
that state and condition wherein then it was But now the thing being giuen ouer all that former imputation was confirmed Namely that it was nothing but an impertinencie of woemen and their murmurings came particularly vpon me though till that time the Prouincial had commanded it to be done In the meane while I grew to be very ill beloued in the Monasterie because I went about to make a new one which might be of more strict Inclosure For they sayd That I affronted them by it and That God might be as well serued there and That there were better amongst them then my self and that now they discouered well enough that I carried no true loue to that House That it had been much better done to procure to get Reuenues and Rents for that place then for anie other Yea and now there wanted not some who aduised that I might be carried to Prison and there were but very few who did in anie kind take my part As for me I saw that they had reason in very much of what they sayd and sometimes I would be making my excuses though yet I were not able to tell them the cheif motiue thereof which was that I had been commanded to doe it by our Blessed Lord. I knew not therefore well what to say and so I thought it fitter to hold my peace At other times it pleased our Lord to doe me very great Fauours for this of the Monasterie put me now to no disquiet at all but I gaue it ouer with as much facilitie and gust as if it had neuer cost me anie paines or care Yet this could no Creature beleiue no not euen those persons of Prayer with whome I conuersed but they conceaued that I was full of trouble yea and of shame and euen my Ghostlie Father himselfe did not absolutly beleiue the contrary But as for me when I considered that I had done whatsoeuer I could on my part I thought I was no further obliged to the effecting of what our Lord had commanded me I remained still in the Monasterie and I found my self with much contentment and gust yet euen still I knew not well how to imagine but that the thing would be done sooner or later and of this I had no feare at all though I knew not either how or when but only I beleiued that it would be certainly done That which troubled me extreamly was that once my Ghostlie Father gaue me a great Mortification as if I had done somewhat against his will But it seemes our Lord was pleased that I should be in some affliction euen by occasion of that which was most tender and deare to me For whilst I was in this multitude of persecutions when I expected that some kind of comfort would be coming towards me he wrote me a Letter to this effect That now he hoped I saw by what occurred that all had been nothing but a Dreame That I should doe well to reforme my self heerafter so farre as not to pretend to meddle anie more with any busines nor to be talking any more of this in particular for that I could not but see well enough what a scandall was growne vpon it and other things he also sayd which did all serue for nothing at all but only to put me to paine This I confesse gaue me more trouble then all those other things put togeather as conceauing or at least as doubting whether I might not haue been the occasion of all the ill which had hapned and whether I might not haue committed some such errour as whereby Almightie God might haue been offended nay whether these Visions of mine had not been Illusions and so consequérly whether my whole course of Prayer had not been of the Diuel and whether finally I were not then in a plaine state of errour and perdition This I confesse oppressed me with so great extremitie that I grew to be all in disorder and subiect to extreame affliction But our Lord who was neuer wanting to me in all those troubles of mine which I haue expressed was often pleased to comfort and strengthen me though I need not stand heer to relate it And he told me also then that I should not vex my self That I had greatly serued his Diuine Maiestie in that busines and not offended him at all That for the present I should doe what my Ghostlie Father had commanded me in holding my peace till it should be fitt to renew the busines And in the meane time I remained full of contentment and consolation and I held all that persecution for nothing which had come vpon me till then But now by this meanes I was taught by our Blessed Lord what a very great benefit it is to endure troubles and persecutions for his sake For so much was the loue of Almightie God encreased in my Soule by this meanes as were also manie other vertues that I was amazed at it and this in fine is the reason why I cannot but desire afflictions and troubles But the while those other persons thought that I was extreamly out of countenāce with what had hapned and certainly I should haue been so indeed if our Lord had not been pleased to comfort me so highly with that great Fauour But then did those strong impulses and impetuosities of the Loue of Almightie God whereof I haue formerly spoken beginne to encrease more and more and I also came to haue greater Rapts though yet I acquainted no Creature with the gaine which I had gotten by it In the meane time that holie man the Dominican did neuer giue-ouer to beleiue that the busines would be sure to take effect euen as well as I beleiued it my self But I would take no knowledge of that because I was resolued not to swarue from what I had been commanded by my Ghostlie Father The Dominican negotiated also the Busines together with my Companion and friend and they wrote about it to Rome and made their Propositions there And the while did the Diuel heer by carrying things from one person to another procure to make it knowne that I had had some Reuelation in this busines Vpon this some came to tell me with a great deale of apprehension and feare that I should doe well to looke to my self and that the times were strict and shrewd and that perhaps men might lay some things to my charge and goe on euen to the Inquisitours by way of complaint But this I confesse made me sport and I beganne to laugh at it for it was neuer my case to be affraid of anie such thing as this as knowing very well of my self that in all things which concerned Catholique Faith yea euen to the least Ceremonie of the Church I was totally for it and that also for the least word of Holie Scripture I would expose my self a thousand times to death And therefore I desired them not to trouble themselues concerning me in this point and that my Soule were miserable enough and
desired for foure or fiue yeares togeather before her end and then she dyed vpon a suddaine without being so much as visited and much lesse Confessed But the happines was that according to the custome which she had held there was little more then eight dayes expired after her last Confession This made me a very glad woeman when I knew of her death and she stayed a very short time in Purgatorie Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes since our Lord appeared to me after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament and was pleased to let me see how he carried my Sisters soule into glorie In all these yeares from the time when the particular concerning her was told me till her very death I forgot not that which had been giuen me to be vnderstood concerning her as neither also did my Companion For as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death she came towards me with much admiration to see how all had been fulfilled Let our Lord be praised for euer who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules to the end that they may not perish Amen THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse about the Foundation of this House of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holie Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Ladie vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded BVt now whilst I was with that Ladie of whome I haue spoken and with whome I had remained more then half a yeare our Lord did so ordaine that a certaine holie woeman of our Order fell out to come from a place which was no lesse then three-score and then leagues off from this and to ariue heer and to lengthen her way by some leagues on purpose to speake with me Our Lord had moued her to this in the self-same yeare when he moued me to make another Monasterie of this Order And as soone as she had entertained this desire she sold whatsoeuer she possessed and went her self bare-foot to Rome to get and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines This woeman is a person of much Pennance and Prayer and our Lord did her manie Fauours and our B. Ladie appeared to her and required her still to doe what she was doing and she serued our Blessed Lord so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe that I was in confusion euen to appeare in her presence She shewed me the Dispatches which she brought from Rome and in those fifteen dayes which she stayd with me we tooke order how we would make these Monasteries and till I had spoken with her it neuer had come to my knowledge that our Rule till it was relaxed did euer command that none of the Religious Houses of our Order should haue anie proprietie in anie goods Nor had my self had anie purpose to found anie Monasterie at all without Reuenue for my intention was that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing as we might be in necessitie to vse But this Blessed Woeman hauing been instructed by our Lord was growne to vnderstand that truth very well without being able so much as to read of which truth I was ignorant euen after haueing taken so much paines to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order And as soone as she acquainted me with her purpose I liked it well though yet I was afrayd that it would not be yeilded to but that they would say perhaps that these were but impertinencies and wish that I would not doe anie thing whereby others might be put to suffer through my fault Though yet in very deed if I had been alone I would not haue been detained one minute from doeing it since it would be a Regalo to my Soule to obserue follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord for really his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires to obserue Pouertie So that for my part I made no doubt but that this was best yea and I had long desired that it might be possible and compatible with my state that I might goe begging my bread for the loue of God without hauing so much as a house or anie thing els But only I was in feare that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others which he gaue to me they would liue perhaps with disgust and consequently that it might proue a cause of some distraction or diuision For I saw that there were some poore Monasteries which liued not with much recollection and I considered not that their not being recollected was the cause of their being so poore and not their Pouertie the cause of their want of Recollection For distraction makes them not more rich nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such as serue him In fine my Faith was weake which that of this Seruant of God was not But now I who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons for euerie thing which I was to doe could find no bodie of this minde no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself nor yet those other learned men whome I consulted in the case but they brought me so manie reasons against it that I knew not which way to turne my self For I for my part who knew already that it was the Rule of the order and knew also that it was a point of more perfection could not perswade my self to haue Reuenue And though sometimes they conuinced me towards their opinion yet still when I returned to Prayer and considered Christ our Lord so very poore and naked vpon the Crosse I was not able so much as to find patience for being rich But I humbly besought him with teares to ordaine things in such sort that I might be poore like him And I found so manie inconueniences euen in hauing Reuenue and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet yea and euen of distraction also that I did nothing but dispute the busines with those learned men I wrote also about it to that Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who assisted vs and he sent me two sheets of Paper which he had written by way of contradiction to me and he grounded himself in Theologie for the perswading me not to doe it yea and he told me that he had studied the point very well To which I answered him that for not following my Vocation and for not performing the Vow which I had made of Pouertie and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord in all perfection I meant not to make vse of his Theologie nor of his Learning and therefore that in this case he might be pleased to excuse me For my part I was very glad when I found anie Creature who woud helpe me and the Ladie with whome I was assisted me particularly heerin There were others also who told me instantly at the first that they liked it well but afterward when they considered it better they
honour which is allowed to others I considered the goodnes of Almightie God in not permitting the Soule euen of that man to be defamed but that it might be concealed that he was an Enemie of his For my part I was euen turned halfe foole by what I had seen yet during all the performance of the Office of the Dead there was no more Diuel to be seen but when afterward they put the Bodie into the Graue there was such a multitude of them readie to receaue the Bodie that I was euen out of my self with beholding it and it was no little courage which I needed for enabling me to dissemble the seeing it And I considered how those Diuels were likelie to treat that Soule when they exercised such an absolute dominion euen ouer that woefull Bodie And I would to Christ that what I saw had also been seen by such as are in Mortall Sinne for me thinkes it must haue been of much effect and force towards a making them mend their liues Now all this obliged mee to know more and more what I owed to Almightie God and from what he had deliuered my Soule But yet I went on with feare enough till I had imparted these particulars to my Ghostlie Father as conceauing that perhaps it might haue been some Illusion of the Diuel whereby to defame that Soule though yet the man had not been held to be of very good life But yet it is verie true that whether it were an Illusion or no I am sure I neuer remember it but it makes me afrayd And now since I haue begunne to speake of Visions which haue relation to some such persons as are dead I will also declare some things concerning some other kind of Soules which our Lord hath been pleased that I should see But I will speake only of few both to be the shorter and because it will not be necessarie to say much in order to the receauing of benefit thereby They told me once that a certaine man was dead who had been Prouinciall of his Order but when he dyed he was Prouinciall of another Prouince Now I had communicated much with this man and had been obliged to him for some good offices which he had done me This man was of much many vertues but yet when I came to know that he was dead I was greatly troubled at it because I was in feare and doubt of his Saluation in regard that he had been a Prelate or Superiour twentie yeares which really is a thing that I am apt to feare as holding it to be a matter of much danger to haue charge of Soules And so I went with trouble enough to an Oratorie and gaue him all that little good which I had euer done in my whole life which yet was little enough and I humbly besought out Blessed Lord that he would supply out of his infinit merits for as much as that Soule might wat towards the freeing it self out of Purgatorie And whilst I was begging this Boone of our Blessed Lord in the best manner I could me thought he rose as from some deep part out of the earth on my right side and so I saw him mount-vp to Heauen with very great ioy The man was very old before he dyed but yet now he seemed to me to be but of thirtie yeares old or rather somewhat lesse but with much brightnes in his face This Vision passed away very speedily but yet I was so extreamly comforted by it that the death of that man did put mee now to no more paine though I had troubled manie others about him for he was very well beloued And thus also the comfort of my Soule being so great I could not possibly doubt but that the Vision was true and no illusion This hapned but fifteen dayes after his death but still I was not slack in procuring that he might be recommended to Almightie God saue that I could not doe it so hartily as before I saw this Vision For when our Lord shewes me such things and that yet I will pray for them afterward I cannot choose but conceaue that it is as if I gaue an Almes to a rich man But now I came to vnderstand afterward for the man dyed very farre off that the death which our Lord granted him was of so great comfort to him by the knowledge of himself and by the humilitie which he expressed that it was of very great edification Now a certaine Religious Woeman dyed at home with vs about a day and a halfe before that occurred whereof I am going to speake but she had been a good Seruant of Almightie God And another Religious Woeman reading one of those Lessons which belong to the Office of the Dead which was recited in the Quire for her Soule it was my turne to stand by and assist in repeating the Versiâ—â—e but in the midst of the Lesson me thought I saw the Soule rise vp as the other did and so went to Heauen Now this was no Imaginarie Vision like the last but like others which I recounted before Yet these be no lesse certaine then those others are There was also another Religious Woeman of between eighteen and twentie yeares old who dyed at home in our House Now she had been alwaies sicklie and a great Seruant of God and very diligent in the Quire and in fine a very vertuous woeman and really I was apt to thinke that she should not haue gone to Purgatorie at all but rather that there would haue been supernumerarie merits in regard of the manie sicknesses which she had endured But yet when we were reciting the Office before she was buryed and some foure howers after she dyed I vnderstood that her Soule sprung vp out of the same place and went to Heauen Being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS with those great afflictions and troubles which I haue declared my selfe sometimes to haue had and still haue both in Bodie and Soule I found my self to be in such condition that me thought I was not able so much as to entertaine one good thought There dyed that night a Brother of the Societie of that House and I recommending him the best I could to Almightie God and being at the Masse of another Father of the Societie for his Soule I was seazed by a very great Recollection and I saw him goe-vp to Heauen with much glorie yea and I vnderstood that our Blessed Lord himself did accompanie him by way of particular fauour A Religious man of our Order who was a very good man was falne very dangerously sick And I being then at Masse grew to be in very great Recollection and saw that the man was dead and that he went instantly to Heauen without touching vpon Purgatorie at all and he dyed in that verie hower as I was told afterward Now I wondred that he had neuer entred into Purgatorie but I vnderstood that he hauing been a Religious man and hauing well obserued the