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B09153 Theatre of wits ancient and modern attended with severall other ingenious pieces from the same pen [brace] viz. I. Faenestra in pectore, or, A century of familiar letters, II. Loves labyrinth: A tragi-comedy, III. Fragmenta poetica, or, Poetical diversions, IV. Virtus redivivi, a panegyrick on our late king Charles of ever blessed memory concluding with A panegyrick on His Sacred Majesties most happy return / by T.F. Forde, Thomas. 1661 (1661) Wing F1548A; ESTC R177174 187,653 418

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That the Volume is small my diligence hath been the greater for I have laboured to substract rather than multiply them not putting in every one I met with but what was best at least in my opinion These are but the fi st fruits your acceptance may ripen them into a larger harvest if God shall lend me time and opportunity I have waved any particular Dedication as not willing to entitle any man to the Patronage of my weaknesses nor am I of that vain humour of Appian the Grammarian who promised immortality to those to whom he dedicated any of his Works And they who write to Lords rewards to get Donnes Sat. Are they not like singers at doors for meat There is a Vine in Asia that brings forth Burnt-wine Johnston Hist Nat so excellent saith mine Author that none exceeds it Such is the nature of these short sentences they are ready dress'd and dish'd out to thy hand like some Diamonds which grow smoothand polished and need no farther labour to fit them for use but using As it is said of Isidore the Philosopher that he spake not words but the very substance and essence of things They contain magnum in parvo much matter in a few words Significant potius quam exprimunt You have here much gold in a little ore easie for carriage ready for use We have many things to learn and but little time to live I know not therefore any kind of Learning more pleasant or more profitable than this which teacheth us many lessons in a few lines But I will not waste thy time Reader whilst I study to improve it and to approve my self Thy servant T. F. Apothegmes AN old Mass-Priest in the dayes of Hen. 8. reading in English after the Translation of the Bible the mircale of the five loaves and two fishes when he came to the verse that reckoneth the number of the guests he paused a little and at last said they were about 500 the Clerk whispered into the Priests ears that it was 5000 but the Priest turned back and replied with indignation Hold your peace sirrah we shall never make them believe they were 500. Aristides said concerning the Elegance of the City of Smyrna that no man except he which shall see it will be drawn to believe it The Savages an English Family held Ardes in Ireland long in possession amongst whom there goeth a great name of Him who said no less stoutly than pleasantly when he was moved to o build a Castle for his defence that he would not trust to a castle of stones but rather to a castle of bones Meaning his own body Columbane a Monk of Ireland when Sigebert King of the Frankners dealt very earnstly with him and that by way of many fair and large promises that he should not depart out of his Kingdom Answered him That it became not them to embrace other mens riches who for Christs sake had forsaken their own Porpherie in regard of the many tyrants rising up in his dayes in Britain cried out in these terms Britain a foolish Province of tyrants St. Ambrose in his Funeral Sermon of Theodosius cryeth out in these terms that Eugenius and Maximus who had five years usurped the Empire by their woful example doe testifie in hell what a heavy thing it is to bear arms against their Natural Prince Of this Maximus it is said that he was a valiant man victorious and worthy the title of Augustus but that against his allegiance he had by way of tyranny and usurpation attained the place Homer saith of one that had a misfortune It was because he did not honour his Parents Upon a triumph all the Emperor Severus's Souldiers for the greater pomp were to put on Crowns of Bayes but one Christian there was amongst them which wore it on his arm and being demanded the reason boldly answered It becomes not a Christian to be crowned in this life Arnobius was wont to say that persecution brings death in one hand and life in the other for while it kills the body it crowns the soul The Empress Eudoxia sending a threatning message to Chrysostom for boldly reproving her He answered Go tell her I fear nothing but sin Justus Jonas said of Luther that he could have of God what he pleased Epaminondas being asked what was the greatest joy he ever had in the world He said Leutrica Victoria the Battel of Leutrick Rocardus King of Frisland being by Wolfranius perswaded to be Baptized having one foot in the Font the other out asked Wolfranius where went the most part of his Predecessors that were not Baptized To hell said Wolfranius then Rocardus drew his foot out of the Font saying It was best following of the greatest company The Devil meeting with a devout Hermit asked him three questions First what should be the strangest thing that God made in a little frame He answered a mans face The second Where was the Earth higher than all the Heavens Where Christs body born of the Virgin Mary was adored of Angels and Archangels The third What space was between Heaven and Earth Thou knowest best said the Hermit which wast from Heaven thrown down to the Earth L. Silla finding his souldiers tim●rous and fearful to fight with Archelaus 〈◊〉 General drew out his sword and said You souldiers that mean to fly to Rome tell them at Rome that you left Silla your General fighting in the midst of the Battel with the enemies in Boetia Philipides the Poet refused to be of King Lysimachus Counsel that when the King said to him What wilt thou that I give unto thee Nothing said the poor Poet but onely this that I may not be of thy Council In a publick meeting with all the Princes of Germany at Wormatia where the Duke of Saxon first preferring his mettals and rich veins of earth the Duke of Bavaria much commending his strong and brave Cities and Towns and the Duke Palatine of his wines and fertility of his lands the Duke of Wittenbergh said I can lay my head and sleep upon the lap of any of my subjects I have abroad in the field every where Huic facile concedite palmam said Maximilian the Emperor Give him the palm Themistocles being asked whose Oration he would hear Even him said Themistocles that can best set forth my praise and advance my fame Isocrates repeating an Oration of Demosthenes his adversary at Rhodes they of Rhodes much delighting therein and much commending the Oration that Isocrates made though he was enemy to Demosthenes was forced against his will to say to the people What if you had heard the beast himself pronouncing his own Oration Julius Caesar seeing certain men of Apulia in Rome carrying Apes upon their arms playing asked the men If they had no women in Apulia to get children to play withal Diogenes when he saw mice creeping for some crums to his table would say Behold Diogenes also hath his parasites Lewis the ●th was wont
touching the joys of the other world whereunto he was going he fetched a deep sigh and said Oh! I know what 's past but I know not what 's to come There is a saying fathered upon Paul 3d. when he lay upon his death-bed that shortly he should be resolved of two things Whether there be a God and Devil or whether there be a heaven and hell When a rare Italian Statuary offered Rh. 2d of Spain that without expence to the King he would set up his Majesties arms and portraicture over the gates of every City in Lombardy the King commending the mans good will answered He had rather have a workman that with any expence whatsoever could set up his image in Heaven When the souldiers demanded a donative of Galba he answered That he used to choose not to bu● souldiers Vespasian was not moved with the scoffs of Demetrius Cynicus but slighted them saying I use not to kill barking dogs Domitian punished Informers saying That not to punish such was to encourage them Trajan delivered his sword to the Captain of the Guard willing him to use it for him if he did well but against him if otherwise Antonius Pius Emperor comming to see Omulus his house he enquired whence he had his marble pillars Omulus answered that in another mans house he should be both deaf and dumb When Julia Mother-in-law to Caracalla whom he married told him he was too prodigal he laid his hand on his sword saying I shall never lack money so long as this is with me Julian robbed the Church of her Revenues telling the Clergy that they should be the fitter for Heaven because it is written Blessed be the poor Tyberius Constantinus Co-Emperor with Justin when Sophia the Empress reproved him as being too prodigal in his bounty to the poor He answered that he should never want wealth on earth as long as he had laid up treasures on earth by relieving the poor Maximilian the Emperor was wont to say to compel the conscience is to force heaven It was not ill answered of Merope to King Polyphontes who therefore kill'd his brother because he had entertained a purpose to have killed him You should only have done the same injury to him which he did to you you should still have had a purpose to kill him Aquinas was once asked with what compendium a man might best become learned He answered By reading one Book A great Italian General seeing the sudden death of Alphonsus Duke of Ferrara kneeled down instantly saying And shall not this sight make me religious When the Duke of Candia had voluntarily entred into the incommodities of a Religious life and poverty he was one day spied and pitied by a Lord of Italy who out of tenderness wish'd him to be more careful and nutritive of his person The good Duke answered Sir be not troubled and think not that I am ill provided of conveniencies for I send a harbinger before who makes my lodgings ready and takes care that I be royally entertained The Lord asked him who was his harbinger He answered the knowledge of my self and the consideration of what I deserve for my sins which is eternal torments and when with this knowledge I arrive at my lodging how unprovided soever I find it me thinks it is ever better than I deserve 'T was a reasonable answer of Pericles to one that asked him Why he being a severe and Philosophical person came to a Wedding trimmed and adorned like a Paranymph I come adorned to an adorned person trim'd to a Bridegroom The Emperor Ferdinand the 2d had wont to say to those that brought him any ill newes 't is good 't is Gods pleasure I am contented Sir Thomas Moore somewhat before he was made Lord Chancellor built a Chappel in his Parish at Chelsey where the Parish had all ornaments belonging thereunto abundantly supplied at his charge and he bestowed thereon much plate often using these words Good men give it and bad men take it away The King of Sweden to the Dutch Embassador perswading him to a care of his person answered that his hour was written in heaven and could not be altered on earth Sir Jervis Ellwis when executed on Tower-hill for Overburies death left these two Items to Posterity 1. Not to vow any thing but to perform it 2. Not to take a pride in any parts though never so excellent A Lord Mayor of London in K. James his time stopping the Kings carriages as they were going through the streets with a great noise in time of Divine Service and the King being told of it he in a rage swore he thought there had been no more Kings in England but himself sent a warrant to the Lord Mayor to let them pass which he then obeyed with this answer While it was in my power I did my duty but that being taken away by a higher power it is my duty to obey Demodocus said of the Milesians they were no fools but they did the same things that fools did Vincentius Lyrenensis saith of St. Cyprian who had before the Council of Carthage defended re-baptizing the Author of this errour saith he is no doubt in heaven the followers and practisers of it now goe to hell A Gentleman having by fatherly indulgence tolerated the humour of gaming and wenching in his son dis-inherited him for drinking saying of the first If he had wit he would not lose much by it and of the second that in time for his own ease he would leave it but of the third he said he would prove the elder the viler and hardly ever amend it A certain man comming to Athens meeting one of his friends in the street desired him to shew him the rarities of the City His friend carried him to Solon but the man having viewed him some time would have gone farther no said his friend You have seen all Vidisti Solon vidisti omnia It is said of the Germans that they understand more than they can utter and drink more than they can carry A certain old man being asked why he wore his beard so large and long that beholding those grey hairs said he I may doe nothing unbeseeming them Cyrus was wont to say that a good Prince was like a good Shepherd who can by no other means grow rich than by making his flock to thrive under him A maid in Plutarch being to be sold in the Market when a Chapman asked her Wilt thou be faithful if I buy thee Yes said she etiamsi non emeris whether you buy me or no. Demosthenes said to him that objected that his Speech smelt of the candle I know my candle stands in your light The man being suspected for a thief Melansthon was used to say He that dealeth with some men had need to bring a Divine a Lawyer and a Souldier with him to get his right St. Bernard comming to the great Church of Spire in Germany he was no sooner come into the Church but the Image of
think You 'l be a miracle of folly if you Don't love me now Car. What small Poet have you hired To make a miracle of my name Dor. Nay I have more yet and better That I found in the Nichodemus Of Complements that 's a sweet book 'T is a very magazine of Poetrie a Store-house of wit do but hear Them Carmila Car. Let 's hear them Doron are they Worth a laughing at Let 's hear Dor. Well well it is no laughing matter but I 'm Sure your laughing ha's made me crie Now Carmila you must imagine that 't is I and only I say this to you and none but you For the unhappy wag ha's so fitted my Fancie as if 't were made for no bodie but me Excellent Mistris brighter than the Moon Than scowred pewter or the silver spoon Fairer than Phoebus or the morning Star Dainty fine Mistris by my troth you are Thine eyes like Diamonds shine most clearly As I 'm an honest man I love thee dearly What think you now Carmila is not this Admirable if these strong lines will Not draw your love I know not what will Car. Had it been your own mother-wit Doron I could have like't it well But for you to father the brat of Another's brain is too ridiculous I like your love much better than your Hackney lines but bought wit's best Dor. If you like not my lines because they are None of mine you will not love my Heart neither for that 's not mine but yours Car. Yes Doron if you have given me your Heart I will not die in your debt but Give you mine in exchange for yours Dor. Than welcome to me my new found heart We 'l live and love and never part Exeunt Scaen. 7. Enter Melecertus Revenge shall soon o're-take this proud boy who Committed hath so bold a rape upon My Samela He had been better to Have lodged snakes in his breast than to steal This spark that shall consume him and his nest Samela Samela that name alone Infuseth spirits into me inflames My soul with vengeance till I recover My dearest love Enter Menaphon Men. Now shall I be reveng'd on Samela And on her Melecertus both at once I 'll make her know neglected love may turn To hate and vengeance take the place of scorn Well met friend Melecertus what alone Mel. I 'm solitarie since my mate is gone Men. Your mate has taken flight she 's on the wing But I can tell thee where she nests and bring Thee guickly where thou shalt retrive the game Mel. If thou wilt do this Menaphon I shall Be studious to requite thy love with mine I pay thee sterling thanks and services Men. I will not sell my favours to my friends My work is all the wages I expect Come follow me I 'll lead thee to the place Where the fresh gamesters have thy love in chase Exeunt Scaen. 8. Enter King Damocles in his Royal robes Plusidippus and Samela prisoners Kin. Now Sir you see the shepherd is become A King and though you have deserved death Yet since you have but acted our commands We here release you and not onely so But entertain you with all due respect At once belonging to our neighbour-Prince And near Allie the King of Thessaly Some secret power doth force me love him so That if I had a daughter to bestow I 'de wish no other Son-in-law but him Now my Sephestia what would I give Thou wert alive I had thee and thou him Sam. He little thinks I am so near or that It is his daughter he would make his wife Kin. Thus Gentlewoman you are once more faln Into my hands I am th' Arcadian King Be sudden therefore to give me your love Or else forfeit your life for your contempt Think on 't and chuse which you 'l rather do Sam. Sir I am still the same I was before My love like to a mighty rock stands fast Disdaining the proud billows of your threats Crowns cannot tempt nor Kings command my love My love is free and cannot be compell'd True love admits no partners is content With one and Cupids statute law forbids Pluralities of loves Kin. Since y' are so stiff You will not bow I 'll make you bend or break Enter Menaphon with Melecertus Mel. I am betray'd by this base Menaphon Kin. Here comes my Rival when I have dispatch'd Him to the other world your plea is spoil'd My sword shall cut your gordian knot in two Your ghosts may wed your bodies never shall I 'll be his Executioner my self I 'll trust no other eyes to see it done Sam. Now is it time t' unmask and let him know He wounds his daughter through her Lovers sides She kneels Father your furie once expos'd me to The greedie jaws of death which yet more kind In pitie sav'd my life you sought to lose I 'm your Sephestia Father know your child Mel. And is it possible Sephestia lives Once more t' enjoy her truest Maximus Sam. My Maximus I 'm thy Sephestia Oh that our Plusidippus too were here Plu. And I am he my name is Plusidippus Seph My dearest son 't is he now were my joys Compleat indeed were but my Uncle here Mel. I am so wrapt with joy I scarce can get Breath to express my thanks unto the gods Men. What will become of me I shall be hang'd Or lose my place at least I 'll get me home Amidst their mirth they will not think on me Exit Kin. My onely daughter Dear Sephestia And you kind Maximus I ask Both of you pardon for your injuries And for requital thus I do create Thee King of Arcadie and may the gods Requite your sufferings and forgive my crimes Long may ye live and happy may your dayes Be sun-shine all and know no clouds nor night Enter Lamedon And that we may not leave one string untun'd My brother comes to make our consort full The best of brothers and the best of friends Thanks for your care of her whom you have made Your daughter by a better claim than mine Now let the whole land swim in mirth and load The altars with their thankful sacrifice Unto the kinder deities who through A sea of woes have sent us happiness Let 's in and hear the strange adventures have Befaln your heaven-protected persons griefs Grow less by telling joyes are multiplied Although against them all things seem to strive At last just men and lovers alwayes thrive FINIS Fragmenta Poetica OR Poetical Diversions WITH A PANEGYRICK UPON HIS SACRED MAJESTIE' 's Most happy Return on the 29. May 1660. By THO. FORDE Philothal LONDON Printed by R. and W. Leybourn for William Grantham and are to sold at the Signe of the Black Bear in St. Pauls Church-yard 1660. Poetical Diversions For Christmass-day 1 Shepherd WHat have we slept or doth the hastie Sun Bring back the day before the night be done 2 Shep. What melodie is this that charms our ears Is it the musick of th'harmonious
Is taken at the first rebound And like an aiëry bubble blown By vainer breath till it be grown Too big to be conceal'd it flies About a while gaz'd at then dies Something he tells and hasts away He could not and fame would not stay To near the rest for she well knew By mixing of false tales with true To make it more To Rome she plyes Her greatest Mart of truths and lyes The gods says she will dwell on earth And give themselves a mortal birth But they of fame had got the ods For they themselves made their own gods And car'd not to encrease their store For they had gods enough before To Solyma she takes her flight And puts the Citie in a fright Unwelcome newes fills Herods ears And then his head with thoughts and fears The King of whom the Sages told And all the Prophecies of old Is born sayes fame a King who shall Deliver Judah out of thrall Kings shall his subjects be and lay Their scepters at his feet his sway Shall know no bounds nor end but he Beyond all time so fates decree By this the Sun had cross'd the seas And told the newes to th' Antipodes The aiëry spirits pack'd hence away Chas'd by the beams of this bright day The fiends were in an uproar hell Trembl'd with the dismal yell The Prince of darkness was in doubt The Lord of light would find him out And that the word of truth being come His oracles must all be dumb Pale death foresaw he was betray'd That King of terrors was afraid Glory be to God above For this miracle of love Ever blessed be the morn When the God of Love was born Love so charming that it can Contract a God into a Man And by the magick of his birth Make an Heaven of the Earth Ever ever sing we thus Till Angels come and joyn with us They rejoyce with all their powers Yet the Benefit is Ours They with joy the tydings bring Shall We be silint when They sing The 25. Cap. of Job Paraphras'd Then Bildad answers dominion and fear Which rule us mortals loe his In-mates are Can numbers shallow bounds confine his hoasts Or does his light baulk any unknown coasts Can man be Gods Corrival to be just Can he be clean that is defiled dust The Moon in th' ocean of his light is drown'd The stars impure in his bright eyes are found Then what is man alas poor worthless span Or what 's his son a worm less than a man 35. Cap. of Job Then 'gan Elihu speak vileness dost dare Thy righteousness with Gods thus to compare Thou sayst what gain will righteousness bring in Or shall I thrive by that more than by sin I 'll answer thee Behold the clouds that stand His surer guard against thy sinning hand Legions of doubled sins cannot assault Thy God or pierce his statry guarded vault Nor can thy stock of good encrease his store Thy hand may hurt or help like thee the poor c. On the Widows 2 Mites How comes it that the widows mites are more Than the abundance the rich gave the poor Whilst they their worldly goods lib'rally hurl'd She gave her heart more worth than all the world On Christs Cross As from a Tree at first came all our woe So on a tree our remedie did grow One bare the fruit of death the other life This was a well of Salem that of strife On Christs Death and Resurrection What can God die or man live being slain He dy'd as man as God he rose again Gen. 2.18 When man was made God sent an helper to him And so she prov'd for she help'd to undoe him On the miracle of the Loaves This was a miracle indeed when bread Was by substraction multiplied Why wonder we at this strange feast When Gods's both giver and a guest On Christ's Resurrection The Lord of life lay in a tomb as in the womb His Resurrection was a second birth from th'womb of th' earth On M. M. weeping at Christs death What weep to see thy Saviour die Whereby thou liv'st eternally But now I know 't was cause thy sins Were the sharp spears that wounded him Mark 12. Give to God c. And to Caesar c. Give God and Caesar both how shall I do Give Gods receiver and thou giv'st him too On the world That the worlds goods are so inconstant found No wonder is for that it self is Round Similis simili gaudet Wherefore doth Dives love his Money so That 's earth So 's Hee Like will to like we know On Calvus Calvus of late extream long locks doth wear The reason is Calvus hath lost his Hair On Malfido Malfido on his neighbour looks so grim Proximus is Postremus sure with him On Will who had run through all trades and was now a Cobler I prethee Will whither wilt thou so fast Thou canst not farther for th' art at thy Last Better fortune Whilst that the Huntsman stared he became Unto his dogs their banquet and their game But from Acteons fortune I am free Because whilst I saw her she could not me On Cornuto Cornuto cries Hee 's weary of his life He cannot bear the Lightness of his wife She wants so many Grains she 'l go with loss Yet a Light Woman is an Heavie Cross Mart. Ep. 24. lib. 2. If unjust fortune hale thee to the bar In rags paler than guilty prisoners are I 'll stick to thee banishd thy native soyl Through Seas and Rocks I will divide thy toyl On one who fell in love with Julia throwing Snow-balls at him I 'me all on fire strange miracle of Love These Watry Snow-bals Hand-Granadoes prove If from cold clouds thou dost thy lightnings dart Julia what Element will fence my heart J. Cesaris Epigram A Thracian lad on Ice-bound Heber playes The glassie Pavement with his waight decayes Whilsts with his lower parts the river fled The meeting Ice cut off his tender head Which having found the Son-less mother urnd Those to be drownd were born this to be burnd Hensii Epitaph Trina mihi juncta est variis aetatibus vxor Haec Juveni illa viro tertia nupta seni est Prima est propter Opus teneris sociata sub annis Altera propter Opes tertia propter Opem Englished Three wives I had in severall ages Past A Youth a Man an old man had the last The first was for the Work a tender maid The second was for VVealth the third for Ayd Out of Italian My Mistris hath my heart in hold But yet 't is under locks of gold In which the wind doth freely play But my poor heart doth prisoner stay What happier prison can there be Confinement is my libertie H. Grotius S. Petri Querela Quae me recondet recondet regio quâ moestum diem Fallam latebrâ quaero nigrantem specum Quâ me sepeliem vivus ubi nullum videns Nulli videndus lachrymas foveam meas Englished What place will hide my guilt