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A50685 PecuniƦ obediunt omnia Money masters all things, or, Satyrical poems, shewing the power and influence of money over all men, of what profession or trade soever they be : to which are added, A Lenten litany, by Mr. C____d, A satyr on Mr. Dryden, and several other modern translators : also A satyr on women in general : together with Mr. Oldham's Character of a certain ugly old p---- Menton, L.; C---d, Mr. Lenten litany.; Oldham, John, 1653-1683. Character of a certain ugly old p-----. 1698 (1698) Wing M1821B; ESTC R202913 71,116 145

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his mind He 'll hazard both his Credit and good Name Exterminate all fear of worldly shame Such Power 's in Money and such Feats she works That Christians Heathens the Jews and Turks And all Persuasions she charms to betray Credit and Conscience too her to obey XLIX On Players So much of precious Time is spent by Players That they can scarce get time to say their Prayers The Archimimick sets each one his Part Which they with care and pains must get by Heart The grave and serious Parts suits some the best Like Prince or Politician some are drest Soldiers Tradesmen Valet de Chambre Beau Like Countrymen or wheedling Pimps some show Ruffians and merry Drolls or Lovers keen Or in some other shape the Men are seen Women great Queens or Ladies some must be Some vertuous Wives Lovers or Jilts you see Others mad Jealous Fools some Bawds some Whores With quaint Discourse they spend their time and yours Musick and Dancing and Singing you may hear ' Objects to please the Eye tickle the Ear. Variety of Actions here you have To please the Frolick Humour and the Grave Rich Clothes and Fashions alamode are there And change of Scenes with curious Paint appears No Artifice is wanting which they think Will tempt their Auditors to part with Chink Money 's the tempting thing that brings them there If Money fails no Player will appear Money 's the lovely Miss that they adore Tho some perhaps come there to meet a Whore L. On Old Men and old Women Money will make a fresh young buxom Lass Let an old crazy Dotard her embrace She 'll think him brisk and fresh as Rose in Iune If wanted Wealth she 'd sing another Tune And he which now enjoys her Maidenhead She wou'd disdain and fly his hated Bed But she her brisk Amours does soon forsake And her old Man she does a Cuckold make And that 's the Fortune of old silly Fools That match themselves to such young Airy Tools The withered old Woman if she have store Of Cash the young Gallant will her adore And swears she 's lovely he dies if he miss her Whereas if poor she 'd make him spue to kiss her Th' old Creature does believe is at 's Command Plights him her Troth and gives to him her Hand Consents to Marriage He visits her each Day And she like a young Girl does toy and play At length the Day does come that they are wed And he against his Stomach goes to Bed He kisses her and ●ore against his Will Her old lascivious Humour does fulfil Thus for a while he 'll please and slights her not Till he her Money Gold and Bonds has got And then he weary grows and cannot kiss Loathes her Embraces and must keep a Miss Under her Nose for th' pleasure of his Life With whom he 'll kiss in spite of his old Wife Th' old Woman sto●ms that she 's so much neglected And the gay fluttering Miss is so respected She sighs and sobs that she alone must lie And her brisk Youth abhors her Company And nought delights him now but his young Miss But such the Fruits of such a Marriage is For Youth and Age are very seldom found In their Embraces constant firm and sound The one repents the Folly they 've run in While t' other wallows in their Lust and Sin Equality in Age and in Degree And Fortunes too makes the best Sympathy LI. On the Necessit●t●s Person and the Miser Money if we do but consider 't well We find produceth good Effects and ill Necessitated Persons she relieve● And out of Misery she them retrieves She consolates them when their Hearts are down And them does animate 'gainst Fortune's Frown But to the Miser she 's another thing Great Infelicity to him does bring The more he gets the greater is his Curse For he thereby becomes still worse and worse The more he has he still does covet more H●●l not desist till Death knocks at his Door Then all his hoarded Treasures he would give To bribe and put off Death that he might live But now he sees the folly of his Gains They cannot Li●e prolong nor ease his Pains Money no Comfort now affords the Man When he begins to look pale fain● and wan And sick to Death O then he does express Great Grief and Sorrow for his Wickedness And if he were but to survive he would Abhor the eager griping after Gold But Death's inexorable gives no Days No Pleadings he admits of for Delays But when he comes poor Mortals to arrest They Nature's Debt must pay without contest LII On Friendship and Acquaintance If your Acquaintance which you once have known Was rich and 's now grown poor you 'll scarce him own Especially i● you foresee and know He comes an humble Mendicant to you You 'll not remember then that you before Have seen him Walk Sir trouble me no more Pox on this Money that she shou'd thu make A Man his old Acquaintance to forsake LIII On Y●ung Wives and Girls Many young Wife and Girl thro' long pursuit With Money tempted is to prostitute Her curious Body and pawn her Honour Unto some young Gallant that 's brisk upon her Her blooming Youth and Rosie Colours stain With base Adulterous Practices for Gain Thus thus this Idol Money does intice Many fine Creature to submit to Vice And great Debauchery without controul To th' Bodies Ruin and immortal Soul LIV. On Quarrels and Differences Great is the potency in Money 's had The force thereof produceth good and bad This wicked Miss does make dear Friends fall out Great Foes to be great Friends she brings about Money can make Men one another sue And act such things as afterwards they rue Nay Money makes them one another fight And murder out of hand sometimes in spite She Quarrels breeds and also Reconciles Which way she will she leads Men with her Wiles Nor Wit nor Force is able to withstand Her Charms are such she all Men does command LV. On Church-wardens Surveyors c. Church-wardens and Surveyors of Highways Sesso●s and Poor's O'er-seers now a-days And other Officers altho they swear Their Office truly to perform they fear No Oath nor do they stand at all in awe Of Che●ks of Conscience or of the Law If they can either Money get or save Each of these Officers will be a Knave Getting or saving is such a tempting thing She 'll private Persons cheat as well as th' King All Men the Goddess Money court and woo To compass her they care not what they do LVI On Schoolmasters The Pedagogue who rules as petty King O'er his young Subjects unto those who bring In their Relief and make him punctual Pay Observing constantly their Quarter day O'er such his Rule is gentle mild and free But o'er the rest 't is perfect Tyranny Money does make him kind and pitiful To Lads who are insipient and dull He 'll put them right when they are at a
and will have Money procures Reprieves and Life can save Tho' Proofs prevail not nor what Lawyers plead When Money comes she hits the Nail o' th' head 'T is She can free you without Bond or Bayl. Or can continue you still in the Gaol What is 't that Money does not at all times She frees the guilty guiltless loads with Crimes XV. On Attorneys and Sollicitors Attorneys and Sollicitors Money charms To throw their Client's Cause into her Arms Then Business they neglect and take no Care Councel to see or Witness to prepare The Client a Bayliff fees to cry about Runs here and there to find's Attorney out Who purposely absconds keeps out of sight And ne'er intends to do his Client Right The Client when too late does understand His honest Cause was lost 'cause not well man'd He blames th' Attorney who for his Excuse Begins his honest Client to abuse Tells him when as the Cause in Court was nam'd T' appear in such a Cause he was asham'd And says if he the Truth had understood At first that 's Client's Cause had not been good He 'd not have meddled in 't so with a Scoff And a meer Sham he puts his Client off Thus Money can non-suit Defaults can call Judgments Arrest Money is all in all She can demurr o'erthrow or save a Cause On either side with or against the Laws XVI On Spiritual Court Men. If in the Spiritual Court you chance to be Presented there by some for Bastardy Clandestine Marriage or such like Offence The Court for store of Money will dispense With any Crime and for your Money 's sake Dismissed you shall be no Penance make But if this Idol's wanting and you 're poor You then are sentenc'd by the Chancellour Some Corporal Penance publickly to make That others may by you Example take But in the other Case the Chancellour The Advocates Proctors and Register When all of them have got a good large Fee Then they contrive a way to set you free If you Whore-monger be or Whore or Jilt Money prevails to set you free from Guilt XVII On Domestick Chaplains If you Domestick Chaplain chance to be Unto some Person of good Quality When-e'er my Lady's Woman fears she 'll prove With Kid unto her Master he doth move The honest Chaplain some Respect to shew Adviseth him the Abigail to wooe Tells him her Lady such great care does take For her that she will her a Fortune make And I too for my Spouse sake will bestow First Living that falls in my Gift on you That you with Comfort long may Live together Solacing your selves in one another The hopes of Cash and Living too does Charm The Chaplain so that he in Love grows Warm He Courts the Prostitute who does seem Nice His Amours not admitting in a Trice Yet after some Addresses she is Won And so the Chaplain gets a butter'd Bun. Upon th' Enjoyment he perceives a Cheat On him is put the Cushion some have beat Before he came and made it fit for use He 's grieved in his Mind at this abuse But then bethinks himself since 't is his Lot He must be pleased whether he will or not And so his hopes do solely rest in this That now she 's Wed she 'll do no more amiss And thus the Idol Money has such Power A Man for love thereof will Wed a Whore He that Weds such in hopes she honest prove May afterwards repent his fond hot Love XVIII Non-conformists Some Non-conformists we oft see tempted are To wear a Surplice keep Set Forms of Prayer Kneel at the Sacrament great Reverence show To th' Altar at the Name of Iesus bow And at the other Rights no scruple make And all this for a good Rich Living's sake Which store of Money does them yearly bring For love of which they 'd yield the Mass to Sing This Goddess Reforms and Transforms a Man Prevails with some more than the Gospel can XIX On Romish Priests If you your Father Confessor do feed With Cash you need not fear what Life you lead For you may Kill Rob Steal Drink Whore and Swear Incest commit without regard or fear Or other Crime for he can Pardon all Your great and crying Sins as well as small And when you die if unto him you leave A good round Sum he then your Soul can save From Purgatory to Heaven straight it goes Evades all Purgatory Pains and Woes And so tho' Money can't perennate your days Yet after Death she hath the power to raise You unto Bliss if you have stedfast Faith And can confide i' th' Priest and what he saith XX. On Quakers Tho some that seem Hot Quakers will not Swear Yet when Things of Advantage do appear By which great Profit they may get O then They 'll Lye Dissemble Cheat like other Men The Light within them by the Spirit Fed For love of Money is Extinguished And the Old Man within 'em now bears Sway And so we 're not to trust their Yea and Nay Altho it be the Quakers Zealous Passion It is mere Cant and great Dissimulation XXI On Land Officers in the Field or Garrisons If Money to a General does appear She charges all breaks through Front Flanck and Rear This Dalilah en●iceth till at length She doth discover his whole Armies Strength Wherein it does Consist and how it lies Then with her Lusture dazleth his Eyes He 's taken with a Slumber senceless made And no Alarum takes till all 's betray'd His Army was so Posted that none could Dream of Surprize but Oh the power of Gold And Silver Charms Money 's bright shining Twins O Money Money when a War begins Thou canst prolong it or can make it cease Thy Umpirage determines War and Peace Tho th' Cause be near so Just when Wars begun Yet without Money it cannot go on Money procures both Arms and Men to Fight She can defend the Wrong ' oer throw the Right Can make the Cannons to Shoot ' oer or short To Batter Beat down or not hurt a Fort Make Fuzees Fire or Die or Bombs fall down And to Destroy or not Destroy a Town Besiegers and Commanders Gold bewitches Their Men cut off within their Mounds and Ditches Or wittingly betray'd ' ithe dead of Night And so con●usedly do make their Flight Leaving their Guns and Baggage for a Pray To the Besieged when they Run away As Money Seige can raise before a Town So when before 't an Army does sit down And specious Terms unto the Town does tender She can entice them quickly to Surrender Altho the place be Strong and can hold out Money can strangely bring the thing about Where Vigorous Assaults can not prevail Money can open Gates and Walls can Scale Besiegers and Besieged her obey It 's Money that doth bear the Bell away The Town of greatest Strength Money has won Which by the Force of Arms could not be done Great Lewis knows this practice is his own For this not
Trade Money they love so well That for her sake they 'll pawn their Souls to Hell CXXII On Mealmen Some fine and course Grain mixt the Mealman will Grind into Flower and at the best Price sell And if you ask him when you come to buy If it is made of the best Corn he answers I. The choicest Grain the Markets do afford Is in that Flower believe it on my Word The Saying's true the finest Corn is there But of the courser sort's the greater share Thus he dissembles lyes equivocates And by such Means these Men do get Estates Then they can damp their Flour some other whiles Which makes it greater weight and so beguiles To cozen lye dissemble's no Offence If Money 's thereby got they can dispense With the severest Checks of Conscience Alas Alas What Comfort is in this Money to gain and lose eternal Bliss CXXIII On Apprentices Poor Prentices the space of Seven Year Or longer time their Masters serve with fear Have many Taunts crabb'd Words and scornful Looks More strictly kept than Scholars to their Books And sometimes beat inhumanely abus'd ' Twou'd pity one to have their Dog so us'd Some Lads on silly Errands are sent out For petty things for which some do them flout Some clean the Shooes fetch Coles and Door-Stones sweep Dress Stable out and Master's Horse doe keep Many cold Winter stormy bitter Day Poor Boys behind the Shop-board trembling stay Fingers and Hands so swell'd and numb'd with Cold They scarcely any thing can take or hold When Hands and Feet are Cold if they desire Yet without leave they must not come to th' Fire Their Fingers blow behind Backs stand and wait Whilst th' Masters warm themselves sitting in State Some Boys are almost starv'd for want of Meat Or 's slubber'd so when 't comes they cannot eat Drudges and perfect Slaves some Lads are made Before they can be Masters of their Trade These Hardships they endure with hopes to see Their Term expire and then they shall be free May set up for themselves and take their Ease Having no angry Master then to please But then may sell their Wares and Money take Having endur'd great slavery for her sake Then they 're in hopes to get a vertuous Wife Whose Company 's the solace of Man's Life Who for the further Comfort of their State Will Money bring for her Associate Then all their former Slavery's quite forgot When as a treble Bliss falls to their Lot Freedom a Vertuous Wife and Money store What can a Man in this Life covet more CXXIV On Fishermen Poor Fishermen to wait their Time and Tide In sorry Cabbins near the Water side On Straw or Rushes poorly lie and tumble At their mean Fare and Hardships never grumble But draw their Nets and Lines in Rain and Cold And joyful are when they some Fish behold And those poor Men who venture out to Sea When Storms arise sometimes are cast away And so instead of catching Fish for Gain Themselves are catch't by Death entomb'd i' th' Main The hopes Men have they Money shall command Makes them adventure both by Sea and Land Comfort she brings in time of greatest need Men in their greatest Trouble she has freed What Toyl or Hazard can be thought too much For Money then whose Company is such O Money Money all Men thee adore Both those at Sea and those upon the Shore CXXV On Tapsters Tapsters who th' Masters Cellars farm by great Will froth their Pots and Cans nick on and cheat Their Drink in Pots and little Mugs will fill Tankard and sorry Cans for Cheat they will Both in the pinching Measure and their Score So long as Money comes they 'll ne'er give o'e● Play all their Tricks that they may hold her fast Till Satan comes and th' Tapster gets at last CXXVI On Hostlers An Hostler's lookt upon to be a Man That certainly will cheat you if he can For tho' you see your Horse with corn well fed And take great Care before you go to Bed To have your Horse's Rack well fill'd with Hay As soon as you are gone he 'll take 't away And so your Horse all Night stands without Meat Then the next Morn betimes that he no Cheat May seem to be he puts some Hay i' th' Rack Then Master says your Horse no Meat did lack Your self did see the Rack I did so fill That there 's a great deal does remain in 't still And thus the Knave his Credit would retrieve Hoping that what he says you do believe If with your Corn you trust him to your Horse Then he it's like will cheat you worse and worse If you command him half a Peck to give Your Horse perhaps he 'll half as much receive Or sometimes none at all you must take care Or otherwise your Horse will get ill Fare But this is unto such who Strangers are Or pinching Slaves for whom he does not care If you 're a constant Guest and nobly pay He 'll neither cheat you then of Corn nor Hay But will as honest be in every Case As if your self were by him in the place For he 's assur'd you will be very free And so he deals with you in honesty Immoderate Love of Gains for his Relief Does tempt the Man to make himself a Thief There 's many have so dearly Money bought That they themselves have to the Gallows brought CXXVII On Hackney Coachmen The Hackney-Coachman when he sees it Rain He 's pleas'd thereat tho' others do complain For he 's in hopes to have then a good Trade Whereby good store of Money will be made He values not tho' he be wet to th' Skin If he can get but store of Money in In wet and cold he 'll drive tho' Storms be great And in hot Weather moil in Dust and Sweat And in his Coach-Box with great Patience sit For Money runs betwixt him and his Wit His Mind is wholly sixt upon his Gains 'T is Money that does recompence his Pains CXXVIII On City Carmen and Draymen Carmen and Draymen oft-times have great Lists And when they drive are hard put to their shifts Oft-times in narrow Lanes there 's such a Throng They hazard sore their Lives to pass along They pull they lift they curse they bawl and flight Sometimes to downright Blows they fall and sight All Blood and Dirt with Hair all torn they 've been And hardly can be parted they 're so keen And this they undertake and then this For th' love of Money their admired Miss She charms them so they 'll any Toil endure In Leather Coats and Frocks to make her sure What Pains can be too great her to acquire Whom all the World does follow and admire In whose Society there 's such delight That Princes do for her make War and sight CXXIX On Common Colliers Poor common Colliers Money to obtain In Heat and Cold fair Weather and in Rain Through thick and thin in Mire as well as Dust Early
Iohnson from the Stage His Sacrilege should plunder Shakespear's Urn With a dull Prologue make the Ghost return To bear a second Death and greater Pain While the Fiend's Words the Oracle prophane But when not satisfy'd with Spoils at home The Pyrate wou'd to foreign Borders roam May he still split on some unlucky Coast And have his Works or Dictionary lost That he may know what Roman Authors mean No more than does our blind Translatress Behn The Female Wit who next convicted stands Not for abusing Ovid's Verse but Sand's She might have learn'd from the ill-borrow'd Grace Which little helps the ruin of her Face That Wit like Beauty triumphs o'er the Heart When more of Nature 's seen and less of Art Nor strive in Ovid's Letters to have shown As much of Skill as Lewdness in her own Then let her from the next inconstant Lover Take a new Copy for a second Rover Describe the cunning of a jilting Whore From the ill Arts her self has us'd before Thus let her write but paraphrase no more R er to Crambo privilege does claim Not from the Poet's Genius but his Name Which Providence in contradiction meant Tho' he Predestination cou'd prevent And with bold dulness translate Heaven's intent Rash Man we paid thee Adoration due That ancient Criticks were excell'd by you Each little Wit to your Tribunal came To hear their Doom and to secure their Fame But for Respect you servilely sought Praise Slighted the Umpire's Palm to court the Poet's Bayes While wise Reflections and a grave Discourse Declin'd to Zoons a River for a Horse So discontented Pemberton withdrew From sleeping Judges to the noisie Crew Chang'd awful Ermin for a servile Gown And to an humble Fawning smooth'd his Frown The Simile will differ here indeed You cannot versifie tho' he can plead To painful Creech my last Advice descends That he and Learning would at length be friends That he 'd command his dreadful Forces home Not be a second Hannibal to Rome But since no Counsel his Resolves can bow Nor may thy Fate O Rome resist his Vow Debarr'd from Pens as Lunaticks from Swords He shou'd be kept from waging War with Words Words which at first like Atoms did advance To the just measure of a tuneful Dance And jumpt to form as did his Worlds by chance This pleas'd the Genius of the vicious Town The Wits confirm'd his Labours with renown And swear the early Atheist for their own Had he stopt here but ruin'd by success With a new Spawn he fill'd the burthen'd Press Till as his Volumes swell'd his Fame grew less So Merchants flatter'd with increasing Gain Still tempt the falshood of the doubtful Main So the first running of the lucky Dice Does eager Bully to new Bers intice Till Fortune urges him to be undone And Ames-Ace loses what kind Sixes won Witness this Truth Lucretia's wretched Fate Which better have I heard my Nurse relate The Matron suffers Violence again Not Tarquin's Lust so vile as Creech's Pen Witness those Heaps his Mid-night Studies raise Hoping to rival Ogilby in Praise Both writ so much so ill a doubt might rise Which with most Justice might deserve the Prize Had not the first the Town with Cuts appeas'd And where the Poem fail'd the Picture pleas'd Wits of a meaner Rank I wou'd rehearse But will not plague your Patience nor my Verse In long Oblivion may they happy lie And with their Writings may their Folly die Now why should we poor Ovid yet pursue And make his very Book an Exile too In Words more barbarous than the place he knew If Virgil labour'd not to be translated Why suffers he the only thing he hated Had he foreseen some ill officious Tongue Wou'd in unequal Strains blaspheme his Song Nor Prayers nor Force nor Fame shou'd e'er prevent The just Performance of his wise Intent Smiling he'ad seen his martyr'd Work expire Nor live to feel more cruel Foes than Fire Some Fop in Preface may those Thefts excuse That Virgil was the draught of Homer's Muse That Horace by Pindar's Lyre was strung By the great Image of whose Voice he sung They found the Mass 't is true but in their Mould They purg'd the drosly Oar to current Gold Mending their Pattern they escap'd the Curse Yet had they not writ better they 'd writ worse But when we bind the Lyric up to Rhyme And lose the Sense to make the Poem chime When from their Flocks we force Sicilian Swains To ravish Milk-maids in our English Plains And wandring Authors e'er they touch our Shore Must like our Locust Hugonots be poor I 'd bid th' importing Club their pains forbear And traffick in our own tho' homely Ware Whilst from themselves the honest Vermin spin I 'd like the Texture tho' the Web be thin Nay take Crown 's Plays because his own for wit And praise what D'urfey not translating writ On Women I. Why Women were made WOman in the Beginning as 't is said To be an help to Man was chiefly made Then ought not Women much to be commended Who answer th' end for which they were intended Women were made to help Men so they do Some unto Sorrow Grief Diseases too Others do their kind Husbands help to spend Their whole Estates thus answer they their End Some help Men unto more than they were born To have I mean Acteon's Head and Horn. II. Of what Woman was made Crooked condition'd Nature made her when She form'd her of the crookedst Parts in Men Nature first fram'd her of a Man's Rib she Then can't chuse but a cross-grain'd Creature be And ever since it may not be deny'd Poor Man hath subject been t' a Stitch i' th' Side Yet some there are who in a grateful Mind Would foundly rib their Husbands cou'd they find A good tough Cudgel and make this their Answer They but restore what Eve stole from their Grandsire And 't is a Reason too as 't hath been try'd A bad Wife sits so close t' her Husband's Side III. What they committed so soon as they were made No sooner made but she runs into all Mischief her self then causeth Man to fall And now that Judgment on their Sex is doubled They 're with a two-fold Falling-Sickness troubled IV. To what they are now likened Women in Love and Lust compared be Unto a Pumice-Stone for that we see Is full of Holes so they when once in Love Most hollow-hearted to their Servants prove In Love they like it are 'cause they dissemble But when they Lust most they it most resemble Play with a lustful Girl and you shall see How like unto the Pumice-Stone she 'll be Which way so e'er you do her troul You 'll find against you still an open Hole CHARACTER OF A Certain Ugly Old P Deformem tetrum ante omnia Vultum Dissimilemque sui deformem pro cute pellem Pendentesque genas ac tales aspice rugas Quales umbriferos ubi pandit Tabraca saltus In vetula