service he as much glories in it as a Souldier in wounds he has receiv'd in the Wars and shews that one may be as impudent in being noseless as frontless at any time To give you his Character in brief he laughs at Conscience and Religion his God is his lust and he believes there is no Devil but onely a handsome Wench He thinks Hell onely a good Winter Parlour Heaven onely a pleasant Summer Seat and for the narrow way thither knows no other but onely the High-way to Maidenhead Character 64. Of an English Papist Ass. KIng Iames of happy memory was wont to say that the Papist was his honest Ass he might lay what load he would upon him and he would bear it patiently but the Presbytereaâ— was such a skittish Iade as he kickt and winc't at the least load laid on him Certainly if Persecution be not the nighest way to Heaven he goes the farthest way about for every one persecutes him and he bears the burthen of every one Nor will they allow him the priviledge of Balaams Ass to speak when he is beaten but like Horace's he must onely be patient and shakâ— his ears Mean time he bears the faults of every one and as one said wittily They rail at Popery when the Land is almost lost in Presbytery and cry out Fire fire in Noahs Flood And though the wiser sort perceive their cunning in 't to finde fault first when they are faulty themselves yet the ignoront are cheated with it who still think those most faulty who are most cryed out upon and take the poor Ass for some terrible monster of the Sea of Rome as the Major of Huntington did a Colt for a Sturgeon whilst others know he is a good honest Ass who never fail'd his Master in time of need as most of those who rail on him have done In fine all I will say of him is this he is a scrupulous Ass he is a patient Ass and your French Ass would never bear half so much not of the Popâ— himself Character 65. Of a Physician BY Sin Sickness first entred into the world and by Sickness Death and the Physician behold how some derive his Pedigree Others say that as Laws beget Abuses and Lawyers Processes so Physicians do Sicknesses and Maladies Certain 't is he and Death are but Couzen Germans once â—emov'd and both of the same Trade and Occupation of killing men however by corruption of the Judge the Physician 'scapes and Death is condemned for it Another reason why Physician never yet held up his hand at the Bar for killing Patient is because the Crowners Quest finde it self-murder in those who take Physick of them They do more harm then good in the world certainly for all his saying that did not Physicians kill men so fast as they do the world wo'd be too full of them and who say we must honour Physicians for nâ—cessity mean onely that they are necessary Evils against whom David prayed infallibly when he desir'd to be deliver'd from his Necessities And for my part as 't is said Necessity has no Law so I could wish it had no Physicians too for so we shu'd have no Diseases or at least be rid of thêm the greatest Disease of all But all this now is to be understood not of our English but the Physicians here who with their six penny ' Fees have Skill accordingly whilst ours with their Golden Fees have Golden Skill and therefore we honour them whilst here your poor Signieur Doctore is alwayes beaten and made the ridiculous subject of every Farse Character 66. Of an English Merchant resident in Forreign Parts Made Anno 1648. during his Travels in the Levant HE is one who goes abroad with a stock of Honour as well as Money to traffick with and makes a brave return of either He is a Master and not a Slave to Wealth and such a Master as puts it onely to noblest usâ—s neither sticking at trivial expence nor gain He anticipates not poverty for fear of being poor like those who kill themselves for fear of death nor accelerates it with vain glory of appearing rich like those who guild over ruinous Palaces but whilst he neither starves the Channel with penuriousness nor exhausts the Spring with prodigality ha's the art to keep the Stream still running and the Fount still full so as look in his Ware-house and you finde him a wealthy Merchant in all the rest of his House a noble Gentleman and he onely follows his profit on writing dayes and on all other days his pleasure c. So as we may truly say in these dead times there are none live but he who whilst your landed men are outed of all they have as long as the Sea is open is sure of his coming in To conclude he is the Honour of his Nation abroad and his Nation shu'd be most ungrateful shu'd it not alwayes honour him But now you must understand I speak of such an one as either liveâ— where they pretend to the Universal Monarchy at thîs day or else where they had it in former times and not of those penurious ones who live in your colder Climates nigher home betwixt whom and him there is as much difference as betwixt them and your Scotch Pedlars Character 67. Of a timerous Disposition Made Anno 1657. HE is onely for facile and easie things and if you employ him not in what he is good for he is good for nothing He is aâ— unfit for dangerous Negotiations as a London Wherâ—y for an East India Voyage and dares not offend the present Authority for his life He is not Cavalier enough to understand your Gallantry of dying nor Divine nor Philosophâ—r enough to know what good he can do whâ—n he is dead Like the slavish Americans he offers as much Incense to those who may harm him as those who can do him good Mean time sacrificing more out of Fear then Love he is but half an Idolater at least Whence in times of Trouble and Persecution he pretends not so much to Merit as Excuse and though he be far from a Rubrick Saint himself yet at least he honours those who are and hopes to be saved by others merits though not his own amongst the common sort of Christians who when any storms of persecution rise will be sure which way soever the winde does blow to keep on the windy side of danger still Character 68. Of a petty French Lâ—tenist in England Made Anno 1653. HE is a Fellow who with ill cloathes and worse meen comes over into England and there sets up a Court of Judicaturâ— arraigning our Muâ—ick Instruments and Musicians here for not being a la mode de France and almost the Hands too for not being mangie about the Wrists like his Especially he cannot away with the double Neck and twelve ranks of strings upon the Lute though far more easie and commodious because it is not of their Invention If his fingers be
this be a Flemish or Holland Waggoner there lies the Riddle onely thîs looks bigger and keeps more state as one who may be one of myn Heer 's in time whilest t'other will never be but one of the Rascal rout Character 6. Of an ordinary French Laquey HE is as mischievous all the year as a London Prentice on Shrove-Tuseday and is devillish valiant with his Rapier on but a poor divel when it is off and you may beat him especially his Master as far as Cent corps de baston comes to at any time What colour soever his Livery is of he wears mourning Linnen still and he and the Dog lie together and are Correlatives He swears and lies naturally but steals nothing onely all that he can lay hands on and if you lay not hands on him the sooner runs away with it when he has done Though for running it is the worst quality he has in lieu of which he vaults up behinde the Coach as nimbly and with as great facility as an Ape or Tumbler behinde his master For his Soul he has so little care of it as he is alwayes giving it to the Devil and has so little care of his Body too as he is alwayes running to the Burdello till at last one running mars another and he 's laid up in an Hospital and there 's an end of him Character 7. Of a Gamestress Made at Bruxelles SOme say she was born with Cards in her hands others that she will dye so but certainly 't is all her life and whether she sleeps or wakes she thinks of nothing else She speaks the language of the Game she playes at better then the language of the Countrey where she was born and can less endure a Solecisme in thât then thîs She knows no Judge but the Groom Porter nor Law but onely the Law o' th' Game in which she is so expert as they appeal to her as from subordinate Judges to the supremer ones She loves Winter more then Summer because it affords more Gamesters and Christmas more then any other time because there is more Gaming thên She gives more willingly to the Butlers then poor Folks box and is never more Religious then when she prayes that she may win She imagines she is at play even when she is at Church and takes her Beads for Counters her Prayer Book for Cards and thinks she 's shuffling when she turns o're the leaves And she would play like Nero with the Town on fire or like Archimaedes when t' were a sacking rather then interrupt her Game In fine 't is all her life and as she lives so she will dye when she hopes to go to the Gamesters Paradice and there play per omnia saecula saeculorum Character 8. Of a Fine Nice City Dame SHe is one your Cockneys call a Beauty because like a sick Turkey she looks a little blewish about the gills and has a faint white Complexion of the colour of fletten milk She has no advantage of a brown Countrey Lass but onely that her complexion is the unwholesomer of the two and her skin apter to break forth in scabs She is so dough-bake't and her complexion so raw as those who have any minde to her must have the Green sickness or be half Cannibals at least Her Blood is all whey which she clarifies with physick still whence instead of Children she brings forth nothing but Curds and green Cheeses She is alwayes complaining she knowes not wherefore and would fain be sick if she knew of what giving that Physician more who findes her out a Disease then others would do thôse who cured them of one She longs still whether she be with Childe or no and her chiefest longing is after every new Fashion which she must have presently or there starts up a new Disease and her Husband gives it her finding by dear experience the Mercers Book far less chargeable then the Pothecaries or Physicians so betwixt her being sick and well he is never quiet with her nor will she ever be sô until she be in her grave Character 9. Of a Curious Glutton THe total sum of his life is in his Bill of Fare and he thinks all Solomons wisdom consisted in nothing else he knew the nature of all Fish Beasts and Fowl and Herbs Trees and Plants so well He counts the Italian the onely wise Nation for faring so deliciously as they do and calling a Wise man huom de buon gusto or one that has a good taste of things He undertakes to tell you not onely what you should eat and drink but also how you shud eat and drink it too and is ready to snatch his Ruffs and Goodwits out of your mouth when he sees you swallow them greedily and ravenously and is mad if you drink not his Verdea or Frontinack as chickens do their water with often lifting up your eyes to Heaven For the rest he is of a good nature and quiet disposition hating all disputes since there is no Dispute of Tastes and for disputes of Religion so they allow but of eating and drinking he is indifferent for any one His chiefest Religion consists in keeping a Calendar of the Moneths and Dayes when several Meats come in season which he observes as devoutly as the Roman Catholicks do their Calendar of Saints In fine he thinks of nothing else as long as he lives and when he dyes onely regrets that Funeral Feasts are quite left off else he should have the pleasure of one Feast more in imagination at least even after death which he can't indure to hear of onely because they say there is no eating nor drinking in the other world Character 10. Of a Gallant French Monsieur Made at Paris BEhold this gallant Hermophrodite in the Chamber more effeminate then Woman and in the Field more masculine then Man It is he who has so improv'd Gallantry as it signifies not onely bravery in Clothes but in Language Manners and Behaviour too He rises a morning and having spent some two or three hours in dressing himself goes afterwards to the Church of Gallantry where instead of his Prayer Book out goes his Tortoise Combe whilst the little whisper to his Mistris supplies the place of Jaculatory prayers and for one Pater noster he sayes to God he sayes ten Miserere's to her Mass done he waits upon her to her Coach then home where he dines so as he makes his Body serve his Spirits and not his Spirits his Body After dinner he dresses himselfe agen for the Tour a la mode where he falutes with good grace and has the jolly rencounters on the way Then to the Ball where he utters such Douceurs and delicate Conceits as 't is a very Banquet for Ladies ears Thus having his Diarium you have the whole course of his life till he be old if some Duel or Disease do not interrupt it whilst he is young Character 11. Of a Dairy Made in Bedfordshire Anno 1664. THou that of Milk the
one who falsely styles himself Collonel NOt to be Souldier he was made Collonel at first and to 'scape fighting ha's continued so ever since whence he is a Superlative without a Positive or like a Hovel all Roof without Foundation He drunk formerly when he shu'd be fighting and now talks onely of fighting in his drink whence his Sword can so little boast of its Blood as all its Gentility lies in the Hilt and Belt and it derives its Honour more from the Scabbard then the Blade To avoid fighting he brags how often he ha's fought and how many he ha's kill'd and some believe him because they cu'd never see any he had fought withall alive But others say that of all men living they wo'd chuse to be kill'd by him for so they shu'd be sure to be still alive Yet he 'l quarrel or wrangle with you which is half quarrelling at least and let him alone and he 'l threaten to fight w' ye too such as he being of the nature of Nettleâ— handle them gently and they prick you but roughly and you break the pointâ— of them After which as before he was the Fools Valiant man so he becomes the Valiant mans Fool and every one laughs at him when he goes away offended saying He cares no more for others then they for him and if so he is the happiest man alive for I know none lives freer from care then he Character 30. Of the Patrons Lives To the Lord Anno 1664. MY noble Lord if you wo'd know Both how to â—ive and live well too But onely your Aâ—â—ention give Iâ—le tell you how â—he Patrons live First of all they never â—are Nor for Clock nor Calendar Next they ne're desire to know Hoâ— Affairs o' th' World do go Above all they ne're resort To the busie Hall nor Court Where poor men do nothing else But trouble others and themselves All the business they look after Onely is their sport and laughter With a Friend and chearful Cup Merrily to dine and supâ— Hear good Musick sâ—e a Play Thus they pass the time away Doing no harm to aâ—y man Rather all the good they can So 'twixt Saint aâ—d Sinner here Equally their Course they steer Till thiâ— Voyage over-past They arrivâ— to th' Poâ—t at last Where those after Death arrive Who so â—armless were alive And I â—hink as th' world now goes Th'aâ—e not worst of Livers those If you like the Living thus Come my Lord and Live with us Character 31. Of a miserable old Gentlewoman HEr word is Pitty any thing shu'd be lost but others say Pitty any thing shu'd be sav'd as she saves it for she hoards up Candles ends and scrapes up Grease being so rich in Kitchin-stuff as her very cloathes are nothing else excepting her old brancht Velvet Gown as thin as a groat with the figures all worn out which she keeps onely for Sundayes and Holydayes never wondring that the Jews cu'd wear their Clothes forty years together in the Desart since she ha's worn her Petticoat as long and her Stomacher is a piece of venerable Antiquity deriv'd from the Velvet of Queen Maries Gown For her Prayer-book it was a Relique of her Grandmothers till first grown greazy and after falling into the Dripping-pan the Dog and Cat fell out about it and eat it up since when she prayes without book with a God help you when they ask her any thing for which the Beggars curse her but the Sneezers thank her as expecting nothing else of her You enter her house with no less honour then you would one the Witches kept their Sabot in for she fits like one in the Chimney-corner purring like a melancholly Cat and mumping like an old Ape When she wo'd shew you good countenance and when she'd Regal you indeed she sends up for a Bottle of Sack as everlasting as the Widows Cruse of Oyl that ha's serv'd this twelve-moneth all strangers that come to house with a Box of Marmalade so old and dry as the Flyes have quite given it over in despair of extracting any more sweetness out of it Which together with her other niggardliness and sordidness makes me forswear the house with resolution never to come there agen Character 32. Of an Excellent Companion HE is the life and spirit of the Company and sparkling liquor whilst others are but dregs and lees He is never dry nor pumping but alwâ—yes full and flowing every thing affording him matter of merriment and for a need he can extract it out of nothing too He differs from the Buffoon as an excellent Comedy does from the Farse and is all wit t'other onely foolery He is neither scurrulous nor prophane but a good man as well as a good companion and so far a good fellow to take a chearful cup or two for wine 's a good whetter of a fine edg'd wit so with too much they whet it not quite away and though to men of business he seems to confer but little to the seriouser part of life yet he whets the knife of the serious man and makes them more apt for business afterwards as Musick makes them apter for Devotion and those who are displeas'd with his mirth are just like Saul displeas'd with Davids musick possest with â—ome melancholly devil or other which onely such as he can cast out for which they send for him farther then they did for Dr. Butler and every one loves and cherishes him he being the Darling of all the nobler sort the Favourite of Kings and Companion for any Prince Character 33. Of one who Zany's the good Companion HE is a Wit of an under Region like Iack Pudding grosly imitating on the lower Rope what t'other does neatly on the higher onely for the laughter of the vulgar sort whilst the better and wiser can scarcely smile at him He is a Buffoon not a Wit and in a Tavern is onely â—n hiâ— Element the Bedlam of Wits where men are rather mad then merry and where there 's onely noise instead of mirth He ha's nothing but old â—tories to make you laugh long since laught thred-â—ate or some stale Jeast or other broken twenty times before at which if you laugh not you put him out of countenance and marre the faces which onely were his own before In fine he is onely a Wit at the second hand or a frippery of it just as Long Lane is compar'd unto Cheapside and rather a Channel of other Wits then a Fountain of his own his Wâ—t being rather the hogsheads then his own heads savouring more of Heidelberge then Helicon and he rather a drunken then a good Companion Character 34. Of one who imitates the good Companion another way Made in the 1654. HE is one who now the Stage is down acts the Parasâ—tes part at Table and since Taylors death none can play Mosca so well as he He is all for those who have best wine and fare even to be of the same Religion with them too and