time the countrimen came in thick and threefold to a worshipfull mans house fell hungerlie to their victuals And one of them rising vp with a full bellie said Sirs God blesse you all and the Founder The Gent. Steward then standing by answered And the Confounders too A seruing-man by mischance shed broath on his maisters boord and his maister said Sirra I could haue done so my selfe he answered No maruell sir for your worship hath seen mee doe it first An old Doctor complaining how that hauing but one only tooth left him in his head it was lately fallen away with eating a verie ripe fig an other answered But your tooth was a greate deale riper A Physition willed an Italian souldiour to forbeare wine after figges Who answered Tut M. Doctor you mistake It is wine after figges and a figge for water A Doctor of physicke wore his sleeues short very wide and dining on a time at a Noble mans boord hee waxed liquorish of a Cranes leg which for that it was far from his reach he thought it better maners to take the whole Crane out of the dish and carue himselfe at leisure vpon his trencher then to stretch out his arme so far wherby to discouer vnto that honorable companie all his naked wrest And he did so A seruing-man then seeing th' empty dish tooke it from the boord At last the Doctor hauing shar'd out his morsell look'd about for it and missing it threwe the Crane vnder the boord saying Goe seeke it out Auenamar a Moore king commended water for two good properties that it hath viz. It neither indebteth nor indrunkenneth a man One drunke a cup of very smaâ—l wine and sayd Why how now water shall I call thee wine A Gent. vsing to dine often with the Maior of London on a time brought his frieÌ„d with him saying My L. heer I am come a bold guest of yours againe haue brought my shadow with me The Maior welcom'd him and his shadow Within a while after he came againe to dinner to him and brought two companions with him To whom the Maior said Sir you be hartily welcome But I pray you tel me Do you not think it a monstrous thing one body to haue two shadowes Old M. Palmer of Agmerine was a pleasant Gent. and being one day at dinner with the Duke of Sommerset no sooner was a dainty morsell of meate caru'd him but straight the seruing-men were ready with cleane trenchers to receiue it from him At last a Lady caru'd him a Partridge-wing and a seruing-man foorthwith cleane-trencher'd him and went cleane away with it Which the merrie Gent. perceiuing said aloud vnto all the honorable company A faire flight sirs mark marke it well on the faire flight At a summers banquet of fruits and sweet meates a yoong Gent. placed himselfe next to an olde man who had scarce ere a tooth in his head But yet the olde man out-eat him Wherevpon the merie youth at rising thus be jested him saying Masse father of one that is no better shod than I see you are you haue run very well to day One came to visit a Gent. and he found him eating of cherries with a paire of spectacles on his nose whereat hee greatlie maruelled and said Sir I woonder considering you are so good of sight that you eat your cherries with spectacles Hee answered The truth is I bid my man buy me great Kentish Cherries and he hath brought mee these little ones as you see wherfore I eat them thus with spectacles to make them seeme great ones and that 's as good Grapes were set before one at the beginning of dinner he said It is not good building vpon a round foundation A Doctor of physick was telling one how wholsome it is to breake ones fast all the dog-day mornings and one asked him when the dog-dayes begin and how long they continue Hee answered Marie they begin according to Plinie always fifteen dayes before the Callendâ— of August that is the 17. of Iulie continue till the 17. of September One that stood by then said In sooth maister Doctor I haue often heard it euen as you say that dog-Dog-day breakfasts are indeed verie wholsome but trulie I alwaies thought that those daies began euâ—rmore the first of Ianuarie and ended not till the last of December In Spaine Butter is daintie and being seru'd in on a time to a time to a Noblemans boord a Gent. at the lower â—nd took exceptions for that they had none there Whereunto his next commensall answered Belike my Lords steward thinkes wee haue no bowles to greaze An Earle came late within night to a Gentlemans house and a fatte Capon was seru'd vp to his supper which th' Earle seeing straight tick'd the dish with his knife to haue it set neere him Wherupon the Gent. then standing by said Your honor doth wel to take it for it is a Trump at this time A poore Gent. inuited a cupple of Friers to dinner to him and their cheere was only egges The Gentl. would faine haue excus'd the matter vnto them but one of them perceiuing his drift said Why sir egges is very good fare and many good dishes may be made of egs Say you so father repli'd the Gent. Hold yee heer then each of yee a cupple of egges dresse them after your own maner Two Gent. went to breake their fast in a Tauerne and a bagpiper stood piping at the doore At last in came one and set them downe a cupple of egges Whereat one of the Gent. excepted and said Hath all this cackling been but for these two poore egges A man of worship had on the sudden great resort of guests and their fare was but ssender Wherupon he call'd his steward vnto him and sayd Why how chanceth it N. that we haue no better fare too day This dinner is like an apple soone snatch'd vp vpon the point of a rapier A Gent and a Gentlewoman supping in one roome at two seueral boords wherat were a many strangers besides the Gentlewoman waxing testie and foolish at some spâ—ech of his began to misuse him vnciuillie in tearms before all the company Wherupon the Gent. said Some good body take away that Sallade from the Gentlewoman What Sallad goodman Asâ—e said she He reply'd Your sallade of nettles One vs'd to say that it is good to talke of warres but not be in warres to talke of the sea but not be at sea to talke of hunting but rather to tast thereof One woonted to say that poâ—re men want meate to their stomackes and rich men stomackes to their meats A rude Gentlewoman had stuft her pottage to â—hicke with bread that somewhat fell besides the dish One seeing it said Gentlewoman you spill No answered another well may it fall beside but it cannot spill One being caru'd the rump of Mutton he refused it saying I brook no couers of close-stooles One was a telling a Gentlewoman how such a gallant of the Court
and sayd It may then please your Maiesty to taste hereof for by Iesus it neuer yet drew bloud of any and in it selfe the deu'll a whit it hath A merie Gentleman seeing a Gallant that was bound for the Indies walke the streets his hat al-a flâ—unt and befeathered with all kind of colloured plumes saide When a Gods name will this Woodcocke flie â—or well I see he hath all his â—ethers about him One that had layn first with the mother and then afterward with the daughter asked a Ruffian mate what that fact might resemble who answered All one as if you should eate the hen first and the chickin after A Spanish Hidalgo vsed to say that in a case of brabble betweene king Phillip and him hee might with more right giue the King the lie the the King giue it him because he himselfe is a pure Spaniard and the King but an Ostrich A gallant vsed to say Trauelling on the way let me alwaies lie in a house where I may call my Host Knaue and my Hostesse whore viz. in an Inne A Gallant was brought before a merrie Recorder of London for getting a maid with childe and the Recorder said It is a maruel master N. that you being a Gentleman of good quality would venture to get maides with child The Gentleman answered Nay rather were it a maruell if a maide had gotten me with child A Gallant entred into a young Noblemans chamber whiles he was a trimming and said What meanes your L. to haue to doe with this pack saddle groom The barber answered True my Lord for such a saddle indeed did I once make for his father A Gallant bosted himselfe of much Worship and Gentrie in a place where he was not knowne and it chaunced that hee and his Taylor squared about a bill of accompt and he highlie vaunting his worship to the Tayler sayde Why Pesant it seems thou knowst not what Gentry means Tel me what is it The Tailer answered Yes to be borne a hundred miles hence A poore creature beg'd almes of a Gallant who gaue him a Tester With that the begger said that he would pray to god most truly for him No answered the Gallant I pray thee pray for thy selfe for I take no Almes-vsurie A young Master that had wasted a goodly inheritance in a verie short space one said in mockage of him Wheras earth vseth to coÌ„sume al other men this Gallant hath consumed earth A Portugall and a Spaniard fought and by means of friends they were parted and almost made friends Then the Portugall said I am conteÌ„t sirs at your earnest entreaties to let the villain liue but as I am a Gentleman I le haue one limme or other of him as a badge of my victorie A vaine Gallant ranne his head by chaunce against anothers bellie and the companie asking this other how he felt his bellie he answered Well for a wind-bladder neuer giues great blowe An vnthrifty youth being brought to the last cast challenged in th' Arches a certaine rich Citizens daughter to wife affirming that they were at such a time and in such a place contracted together Then the Iudge asked him whether the mariage were neuer since consummated yea or no With that steps mee foorth the Maides Procter and said Yes sir his liuing is long agoe Two companions went to a wenching house and the Lasse was not yet come according to appointment wherupon one of them began in the meane time to conceipt the olde Viccareste of that hâ—l there present Which th' other seeing said vnto him Are you so hungrie that you will eat vp the halter before the hay come A Gallant seeing himselfe worshipped at euery word in all places where he came said vnto his hostesse that so beworshipt him I pray thee hostesse worship me no worships would my worship were hang'd One asking a gallant where he lay anights he answered My lodging is like the point of a sagbot that stil goes with the eie A yoong Maister was new come to his liuing and his mother blaming his vnthriftines all in a pelting chafe he sayd vnto her Fayth mother taunt me so but once more for spight I le sell ye all the land and liuing I haue So may you doe well Sonn answered his mother yea and if you should sell it all but for sixe pence yet should you be no looser therby for it neuer cost you groate A presumptuous Gallant prickt vp vpon the Spanish Court gate a Tilt-challenge against all commers A Lady asking her Paramour whether he would subscribe therunto He answered No Madam no firme of mine for so fantasticall a body admits no impression viz. Encounter An vpstart Gallant being determined to seeme the Gentleman bought him halfe a dosen faire sutes of apparell and putting on the first day of his brauery a faire large veluet cloake he look'd about him and said Me thinks this cloake stands nothing hansome vpon me True said a Gentleman that stood by you may therfore doe well to begin with Taffeta first and then fall to your veluet afterward A gallant was a boasting that he feared neither poxe nor plague And an other adioyn'd Nor God One commending an others huge strength said That if the world had an iron ring at it he would lift it vp all A Gallant threatned one saying If thou offende me I le throw thee so high into the Element that rather mayst thou feare famishing then falling A Parish in the west Country called Lent was by fortune set on fire and by chance a good fellow passing by at the same time and seeing it asked the Parishes name They answered Lent Lent quoth he I pray ye then in with Fridayes and Saterdayes to that the fire may consume them altogether CORONELS AND CAPTAINES MOnsieur de Aubenie last Generall of the French forces in the Kingdome of Naples being what by conquest and what by composition to yeelde vp to Spaine the last townes and holdes that he there held for his Liege It pleased Gonzalo Fernandes the Spanish Generall to be so honorable as after much Festiuitie extended vnto him at his surrender to furnâ—sh also his decayed armie with principal good horses to pack away But Monsieur d' Aubenie rather regarding the pride of his mind then the curtesie of the Spanish Generall told him at parting that he had done very vnaduisedly to mount his men so brauely away in as much as vpon the same horses hee might chaunce to see him and them shortly againe in those partes in as hostill maner as euer before You shall be welcome answered Gonzales whensoeuer you come neither shal you euer find Spaine lesse honourable then now One Pedrarias a Portugall in a battell that hee fought against Spaine took prisoners a many Gentlemen and Artizans of Tolledo and hauing occasion the morrow after to make a Trench a vault vnder ground at a place called Pannionrostro he asked them all seuerally whether they were Gentlemen or Artizans And such
that I vittaile my paunch well aforehand A Passenger at sea feeling his stomacke rise sayd to the maister of the ship I pray holde still the ship a while til I vomite A ship sayling toward Peru a mighty storme arose and endangered it Wherupon the Captaine charged euery man to throw into the sea the heauiest thing he could best spare to the ende to lighten somewhat the ship A passenger that had his wife there offred then to throw her ouer boord but the company rescued her And being asked what he ayled so to doe he answered She is the heauiest thing I haue and I can best spare her One counsailed his friend to passe along by sea from Newcastle to London affirming that with a good wind he might arriue there both soner then by land with half the charge Th' other answered No I list not ride vpon a horse that goes an end and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list my selfe A waterman affirmed that all boates were females And his reason was because folke vse to enter into them A ship being by mischaunce set on fyre vpon the coast of Peru and past all recouery a souldiour threw himselfe into the sea and said Some rost some sod A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea seeming to feare drowning The Mariners asked him whether he fear'd to be eaten of Fishes He answered No rather may Fishes fear me One praying his friend to lend him his cloake The other answered Seing it raines not what need yee er'e a cloake and if it should raine why then should I need it my selfe OF POLITITIANS A Polititian wonted to say Who so deceiues me once God forgiue him If twise God forgiue him and God forgiue me But if thrise still God forgiue him but ner'e forgiue me One vsed to say that men now a dayes make more of all things then our forefathers did all but our graues One would needs prooue that men now a dayes are wiser then men of old time and his reason was Because they could remedy euill but only with good but men now adayes can remedy one mischiefe with another One vsed to say That it is alwayes good to misse a friend before he be missing One vsed to say Better be poore at the beginning then at the latter ending Philip Duke of Burgundie was woonted to say Of great personages speak neither good nor bad For if thou speake good of them happily thou belieâ—t them if euill thou maist repent it A Polititian alwayes wisht his enemie these three aduantages viz. A iust plea in law to loue such as wish him ill and to win at the beginning of play A polititian aduising a yoong Gentleman to deale doublie and dissemble twentie maner of faces in the affaire hee had in hand He answered I list not slaue my â—elfe to so many faces for that one good face is both better worth and a great deale easier to represent A Polititian aduising a wel disposed person to counterfeit a patient behauiour toward such a ones extreame rudenesse seeing he was likely in time to receiue some benefite at his handes if he please him well Th' other answered I list not slaue my selfe to aduantages The Italians vse to say De che me â—lo me guarde Iddio De châ— no me fio me guardare Io That is A fained friend God shield me from his danger For well I 'le saue my selfe from foe and stranger OF SVTE AND SVTERS ONe Henrie Goldingham that had long sued to her Maiestie for her Signe to his graunted suite and her Maiestie still saying that she had no pen and inke at hand to doe it at last he humbled his Bill to her highnesse foote and said May it then please your Maiesty but to step your royall foot heerupon and I my selfe will then warrant it for good Her Maiestie so well liked of such his merrie conceipt that presentlie calling for pen and inke did daigne to signe it The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. yeares old a seruiâ—or of his as old or rather older then himselfe besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales an office which was latelie fallen into his graunt Wherunto the Cardinall answered that hee was sorie he had spoken so late forasmuch as hee had already granted it to another promising that the next that fell he should haue it without all faile Oh my good Lord reply'd the seruitor but what thing in this worlde can sooner fall voide then your Grace or I An Italian Captaine in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an vnreasonable sute which the Duke refused him and he humbly thanked his Altez therfore Wherat his friends and fellowes by marueyling he said Euen humble thankes for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatcht me A yoong Nobleman in Spaine suing a Duke for his Dutchie in the midst of all his law fell in loue with a very mean Gentlewoman whose name was Blanke and married her foorthwith Wherat his father was in a great chafe and said The foole suing for a Dukedome would he be pleasd with a Blanke A poore man was an humble suter to a Gentleman who said vnto him I pray thee fellow be gone for thy breath stinks miserablie of garlike He answered Not I Sir happily it is my sute that stinks vnto you A Gentleman passing along vnder his Mistresse window she chanced spitting out therat to spit vpon him and foorthwith perceiuing her amisse crau'd pardon of him therfore who answered Forsooth Lady a Fisher-man wets and dables himselfe all day long and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end and I to catch so faire a Trout as you doe you thinke I can loth so slight a deaw Faith no. A reuerend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his and the Prince refus'd it him he neuertheles stil entreated it would not be til at last humbling himself vpon his knee at the princes foot with much entreatie he obtain'd it A many gentlemen standing by condemn'd such his too much basenes considering his grauitie and wisdom told him that he had therin greatlie discredited his reuerence magnanimitie He answered That is not my fault Gentlemen but the princes whose eares as you see are in his heeles One besought a Iudge for iustice and thus he said My good Lord wheras the iniurie that such a one hath done me is verie hell Now howsoeuer it shall please your L. to end the matter I will accompt it heauen OF GAME AND GAMESTERS A Lady had an vnthriftie son and she being to take water on a time and seeing the billowes rough and the winde high â—aid vnto him Son if I drowne to day I praye thee play not away my cloathes till I be buried One vsed to say that dice and purging pilles were of like nature â—or that a litle of th' one purgeth a mans panch throughly and as litle of the other a mans purse One dispraisd Dice and said that Dicers
gallant came to runne at the ring all clad in haire-collour veluet and ouer it a vayle of white Taffeta girt close to him ala Morâ—sco Whereupon the Emperour Charles asking his Iester what it was like he answered Like the bowels of a beast wrapt in their calle A Gent. came in a maske vested all in blacke ouer-figured with Deaths heads and one that saw it said Iesu what a number of Fooles faces haue we there The Gent. Page standing by answered Nay there lackes yours to make it seeme so OF OFFICERS A Spanish Earle retain'd an Vsher for his Ladie and bid his Steward set him down twentie-pounde wages The Steward for his Lords profit would not set him downe presently according as he was encharg'd but of a month after In which meane time the Earle asking the Vssher whether the Steward had yet set him downe in his booke or no he answered No and like your honour hee will haue mee stand on my legges one moneth to an end A Gent. of her Majesties priuie-chamber comming to a merrie Recorder of London about some state-affaire met him by chance in the street going to dinner to the Lord Maior and proffered to deliuer him his encharge But the dinnerly Officer was so hastie on his way that he refus'd to heare him posting him ouer to an other season The Gent. notwithstaÌ„ding stil vrged him to audieÌ„ce without discouering vnto him either who he was or what he would Wherupon the Recorder then merily turn'd backe to his horse and said Horse tell this man that I am going to dinner to my L. Major and that I cannot now intend his tittle tattle for well I wot he will not beleeue mee Wherunto the Gent. no lesse pleasently answered No horse not so I pray thee but thus Tell the Asse thy maister that I am G. of the priuy chamber one that is come to him about busines of state and will him to dispatch me presently as hee will answer the contrarie A Constable had direction to disarme al that passed through his quarter after ten a clocke at night and a merrie fellow chancing to passe that way sayd vnto him Are you the Gallant that must disarme all passengers this way too night Goe yee then to such a Cookes house and take froÌ„ him a Corslet of mine which lieth there in pawne for pies A Commendador of Spaine being discharged of his office vowed neuer to make his will vntil it had pleased the King to re-install him thereinto which the king shortly after daign'd to doe And then the first words of his will were these All that euer I haue the Kings Majesty gaue it me A Canallio signifies in Spanish a horse-backe and acaballio to end or dispatch any thing A Maior of a towne riding posse through the street to pacifie a tumult a Gent. of his acquaintaÌ„ce met him and ask'd him whether he went so a Cauallio that is so mounted The Maior answered acaballio Two Fellons were adjudg'd to die and yet at last through much entreatie it pleas'd the Iudge in fauour of life to ingalley them for seuen yeers The hangman seeing that straight stept in and besought the Iudge to rid him of his office and appoint some other in his place Being ask'd wherfore hee answered Because you barre me of my right One chaunced vpon the night watch and the Constable demaunded his weapon who straight discouered his cloake and shew'd him a bottle of wine and said Loe heere all my weapon The Constable took his said weapon from him he and his mates drunk vp all the wine and then deliuer'd him the emptie bottle saying Holde heer friend the sheath againe A Constable raising vp his parish by night to assist justice made his proclamation thus All you that doe not foorthwith rise and come to assist the Kings peace and Iustice shall forfeit vnto the Exchecker a 100. stripes Theeues were a rifling a Gent. house by night the watch came in with torches to attache them Now one of them to saue himselfe by dark strooke out one of their torches and ran away But being afterwardes apprehended the Constable said vnto him Belike friend you are next heire to the halter that you desir'd so much the torches death A Courtiers man came to Queene Isabels Harbinger and tolde him that the chamber which he assign'd his maister was much at a fault with that the Harbinger pointing him to a gibbet that stood before the Court gate answered If your masters chamber be at a fault see yonder where stands a gibbet One being condemn'd to be shot to death for a rape the maid in fauour of his life was content to beg him for her husband Which being condiscended vnto by the Iudge according to the law of Spaine in that behalfe in steps me the hangman all in a chafe and sayd vnto the Iudge Howe I pray you sir can that be seeing the stake is already in the ground the rope the arrrowes the Archers all in a readinesse and heere I am come for him In a prouinciall visitation in the territorie of Toledo enquirie was made for such kinde of women as did cure folke with charms and superstitions And among others a decrepit Beldam was brought before the Visitor who asking her what cures she did she answered Forsooth maister I wash to the Marchants masterships of Toledo A Souldiour comming about a sute to a merrie Recorder of London the Recorder seeing him out at the window ran hastilie into an inner roome there put on a Corslet and a head-peece then with a Launce in his hand came down vnto him and sayd How now Sirra are you the man that hath somwhat to say to mee Begin now when you dare for behold I trow I am sufficiently prouided for you A Maior of London died the verie same day that hee was elected vvhereupon one thus merrilie saide A vigilant Maior he was that neuer â—lept all the time of his Maioralty A merrie Recorder of London being to discide a brable between two Citizens the one called Dunscombe the other Cox vnderstanding what a paltrie matter it was hee thus jestinglie said vnto them Sirs I verie wel conceiue your case and thus I senteÌ„ce it Namely you Dunscombe deliuerye vp to Cox al your combe reseruing only Duns to your selfe so be you still a Duns and he a Coxcombe A Gent. riding through a countrey-parish and being destitute of money sold his horse to the Constable there who seeing that he had an easie peniwoorth straight arrested the Gent. vpon suspition of fellonie Namely that he had stolne the saide horse An Abbot had bespoken of a Gold-smith a dozen of rich Candlestickes and paid most of the money aforehand Shortly after the Gold-smith died and the Abbot came to demaund the Candlesticks of his widow which he knew were by that time all finished Wherunto she making denyal and refusing to take notice of any such matter th'Abbot was faine to get an Oâ—ficer to enter
were to steale away my owne hat from my head One chid a Foole for that he had throwne dust at his face and some of it was gotten into his eyes The Foole answered Truly I tooke you for a letter One asking a Foole how long he might bee a learning to bee like him he answered That is according as the boyes doe plie yee forward One vsed to say that the difference betweene a wise man and a foole is that a wise man dreams but a nights and a Foole both day and night A Biscayn-Lackey came home to see his mother and shee ask'd him how hee lik'd his maister he answered Faith mother an honest Gent. hee is but when he rides in foule waies then march I faire and softly after like a King but when hee rides in faire waies oh mother that 's the deuill then runne I and then sweate I my heart out His mother reply'd Marie then I pray God son send thee still foule way where euer thou set thy foot In a tumult in a towne of Biscay the Maior read the kinges Proclamation thus King of Castile Leon Arragon Nauarre c. Wherunto they all answered King Queen God blesse them but as for c. the Deuill take him wee 'll none of him A Gent. sent his Biscayn to market to buy a couple of Partridges and will'd him to choose them very sweet The Biscayn went and bought them and brought them home vnto his M. who smelling to their fundaments and finding them vnsauory threw them at his head and all to beknau'd him Then the Biscayn said What a Deu'll aill'd ye to smell there a waies I warrant yee ther 's nere a Lady in this land but stinks in that coste A Biscayn was sore tormented to confesse his committed fellonie and he would not doe it to die At last when they had tormented him almost to death they took him of the torture bespake him faire saying Well we see your inuincible heart you are trulie a man euerie inch of you But faith tell vs now euen as you are a Gent. Did you it not Then the Biscayn answered I marie sirres as I am a Gentleman that 's another matter why said yee not so at the first Goe to I did it Confesse and be hang'd and so was hee A Physition hauing giuen to a sicke Biscayn a purging potion encharg'd him in any case to holde his mouth close for feare of casting it vp againe and so left him The Biscayn straight took his sword buckler and layd them vpon his pillow his mouth therupon In the end the Potecarie came in and seeing him lie so ask'd him what he ayl'd he answered I keep my mouth close Two Biscaynes traueilling on the way were a hunger'd and into a victualing-house they went and call'd for meat The good wife answered that she had nothing at that present but only a couple of Honey-combes Hony-combes saide one of them what 's that I pray ye Know ye not what a Hony-comb is answered th' other I doe Goe to Hostesse Frie the one and boyle the other and bring them vs presently piping hot A Biscayn brought his Maister word how that his maistresse was brought a bed and he ask'd him whereof whether of a boy or a daughter Neither boy nor daughter answered the Biscayn but of a better thing What better thing said his maister He answered Of a dead gerle A Biscayn seeing a Castilian Gentlewoman going along the street her mayd holding vp her traine after her stood in a maze and sayd If it be a tayle why is it born vp and if it be to be born vp why the Deu'll is it a tayle A Biscayn forgetting the name of the Halbardiers-street demaunded of one which was the way to the coate of Malestreet An old man whose beard was all ouer-growne with gray haires ask'd a Foole how he might do to become yong again The Fool answered Goe to the Barber But how if that will not serue said the old man how then The Foole reply'd Then bind your selfe Prentise to some body for a 100. years A Biscayn trauelling on the way chanced to passe by a pleasant spring which seem'd to laugh vpon him and he being extreame thirstie and in sight of a village loth to drinke water where wine was so neere at hand he layd his finger vpon his mouth and said vnto the spring Nay laugh and allure thou nere so much I tell thee true thou gett'st not in heer A Biscayn imagining the wheele of a water-mill to goe by power diuine bow'd downe his knee thereunto and crept towards it to kisse it The wheele entertain'd him with a foule flap striking off his nose clean halfe his cheek away Wherat the Biscayn impatient and starke mad rose vp and ran away sayd I tell thee villaine thou art no more Gods miracle the Deuill thou art A Biscayn was commending what dainty meate a boyl'd cocke was and sayd that the hee-hen was much better meate then the shee-hen A Biscayn scalded a Cony and scraping off the haire sayd Litle Vrchin I marueill how thou scap'dst breaking thy neck flying with so little wings A Biscayn enquiring for a shoo-maker sayd I pray ye where dwels there ere a shoo-tayler A Biscayn-woman complayn'd of the Castilians for pruning their Vines euery March affirming that they did it of spight that their Vines might not branch foorth as farre as Biscay One vsed to compare follies to mischances for that they seldome come alone And therefore whensoeuer hee sawe any man doe or say a follie he would stil say Welfare it if it come alone One asked a wisacre who inherited all his fathers innocence he answered I and my brothers but because I am eldest the fifteenes were allotted to me A foolish man fell out with a Foole and in his rage ranne at him with a cudgell to beat him The foole turn'd his back vnto him and sleering ouer his shoulder said Wee are two so wee are we are two One asked a Biscayn how many horses his father had he answered Fiue with foure that are dead A Spanish Gent. borrowed his friends Biscayn-Page to attend him to his Maistresse and being there hee was dispos'd to jest with the boy and sayd vnto him Tell me sirrha is it true that all you Biscayns are discended of the fart of a Iew The Page answered If that bee true sir you may doe well euermore when you are dispos'd to fart to haue a Biscayn your companion and not your borrowed Page A Biscayn comming to a Shoo-maker to bespeake a paire of three soal'd shoos forgetting his right tearms said I would haue you make me a pair of shooes heer a shoo there a shoo anâ— a shoo betweene One passing through the Stewes-street in Toledo saw a verie faire wench standing at a doore and asked his companion whether he knew her who answered I she is a Biscayn Then he reply'd That 's the reason belike that she betakes her selfe
fringe shee could weaue in one day The mayd answered ten yardes Then he reply'd By that accompt haue you wouen since I came to towne which is some fiue dayes or therupon a fiftie yardes Birladie a good huswife are ye well fare your heart A Gent. was a saying to a plain countrie-man Beleeue me father if this hot weather hold it is like to go hard with poore beasts this next winter The Countrie-man answered God preserue your Worship A countrie-swaine droue his Asse before the Court-gate and a Gent. or two of the Court seeing him all to beat misuse the poore beast bid him be more milde and patient and fauour the sillie Asse With that the Clowne straight dost his hat and made a low curt'sie to the Asse and said I beseech your good Worship M. Asse pardon my rudenes all this while for sure I neuer thought you had had kindred in the Court afore now A Gent. married a Farmers daughter of whom afterward he waxed wearie discontented and on a day in a sullen mood he ask'd her how many burthens of strawe her father vs'd to serue his beasts euery winter Shee answered Before you maried me 300. and since 350. by reason hee hath one beast now more then he had A Country-man entring into a Cittie stumbled and fell with his face into the kennell and all to bemyr'd himselfe therin At rising vp againe he turn'd round about vnto the people and said See see sirs I had almost had a fall A Gent. riding through a village ask'd a country-man what a clocke it was he answered Clocke sir we haue none but yet we haue a paire of Organs A country-man lying on his death-bed said Now thankes be to God that he takes me away before Aprill and Maie A Fellon that was hang'd was carted backe againe to the towne to be buried and a many boyes stood gazing vpon the coorse By chance a plaine fellow of the countery comming by and seeing them so gaze said vnto them Away away sirs for shame you are able to put the honest man besides his wits to gape and gaze so on him A widdowe Farmeresse in a plentifull yeere of corne had much in her barne and much in her garrets A creditor of hers came then to demaund a debt of her and shee answered Good faith neighbour for my sinnes it is come to passe that corne is this yeere so exceeding good cheap that the deu'll a penie can I take for anie A Preacher in his Good-fryday sermon said vnto the people Sirs which of you all wil not in honour of this day forgiue his enemie A plaine fellow then stept foorth from behinde a piller and answered Mary sir I doe The Preacher asking him whom he answered My father who drown'd himselfe yesterday in a pond A Traueiller being come to a ponde ask'd a country-man ther by whether it were passable or no who answered Yea sir you may verie well With that the Traueiller plunging thereinto stoocke fast and had much adoe to get out againe but at last getting out hee all to rated the poore Swaine and woulde haue beaten him who answered Trulie sir all my neighbour Baals Geese and mine passe ouer it euery day A plaine fellow tooke vp an Asse at trust of his neighbour for certaine moneths at sixe Crownes price It chanced that within that time the Asse died and he not being able to pay the debt embark'd for India Where hauing remain'd the space of 7. yeares at last home againe hee return'd woorth 2000. Crownes and landing at Ciuill wrote a letter from thence to his wife declaring both his returne his riches She in answer therof aduis'd him if hee meant to come to her in any case to do it verie priuilie for that the owner of the foresaid Asse was yet liuing An old woman of the country being suspected for a witch was highly offended thereat and on a time saide to one of her Gossips Now and pleas'd God Gossip would I were a witch indeed for their sakes for then should I soone be rid out of this wretched world and of all their slaunder A Gent. meeting on the way certaine Swaines driuing of Oxen on a Maie-morning said vnto them What meane you sirs to trauell this day being May-day If you care not to keep it holy day for S. Philip and S. Iacobs sake yet at leastwise doe it for the May-poales sake A rich Farmer comming to pay his Land-lord much rent by chance a neighbour of his meeting him at the doore and knowing his businesse said vnto him You enter in like your selfe but you shall come out like S. Fraences A Collier selling a sacke of coales to a Citizens wife by chance an old frying-pan lay by then she asking him whether his coals were Oaken coales or no he straight took vp the said frying-pan and gaue it her in her hand saying Frie some of them and you shall see A Country-man was lopping of a tree and downe he fell and broke his necke The clowne his man straight ranne home and tolde his Dame of it and telling her a long tale both how he aduis'd him to stand fast and how dangerouslie hee stood vpon the tree and how he fell down with the Axe in his hand at last hee concluded And I assure you Dame it was a faire grace of God that he cut not himselfe with the Axe A plain Countrey-fellow being to trauell home-ward from the Tearme passing along London-streets asked of the shop-men others whom he met which was the way to Wakefield A Country-maid comming to market her Mare stumbled in the market place and downe she fell ouer and ouer shewing all that euer God sent her and then at rising vp again she turn'd her round about vnto the people and said Gogs life sirs did you euer see the like before A Gent. asking a plaine fellow of the Countrie in a raynie morning whether he thought it would not prooue a faire day for all that Mary sir he answered that shall I shew you at night Iohn a Nokes was driuing his cart toward Croydon and by the way fel a sleep therin Mean time a good fellow came by stole away his two horses and went faire away with them In th' end he awaking and missing them said Either I am Iohn a Nokes or I am not Iohn a Nokes If I be Iohn a Nokes then haue I lost two horses and if I be not Iohn a Nokes then haue I found a cart A Gallant alighting at a Country-Inne tooke his horse to a Country-man to walke who seeing so braue a horse and so richlie trapped ask'd the Gallant whether and lik'd his worship it were one mans labour to walke so trim a horse as that Yea answered the Gallant I warrant thee one man alone may doe it Say you so sir reply'd the Pesant then holde heere you may euen walke him your selfe A miserlie Polititian being aduised by a friend of his to bee more bountifull in
hous-keeping thereby to gaine the good-will of the Countrey which greatly repin'd at such his Parcimonie he answered I will vse these Pesants like fatting beasts only when I haue need to vse theÌ„ then to giue them a mouth full of hay and not els For cheer ye them nere so much in prosperitie they will sure fayle you in aduersitie and haue but wher with to win them at your need and they will then notwithstaÌ„ding your former miserie swarm to you as thick as Beeties to a cow-share so base and pesantly they are A Croydon-Collier had cuckolded a lubberlie Gallant who comming home within an houre or two after and hearing therof straight remounted vpon his horse and would needs after the Collier to kill God a mercy on his soule and ouertaking him three or foure miles out of towne there drewe and made towards him resolutely to kill him But the Collier leaping quickly from of his Curtaile stood to his tacklings at the whips end and behau'd himselfe so valiantly therwith that the Cuckolds pottage was soon cool'd and his hart began to faint Then there he paus'd and panted a while and ask'd the collier whether it were true indeed that hee had laine with his wife The Collier frankly confest that he did With that the Chickin-hearted cuckold peaceably put vp his blade and said vnto him Gogs nownes villaine hadst thou not confest the trueth before God I had cut off thy head A Country-man had kill'd a dog and a neighbour of his with a great codpeece meeting him the next day quarrellously ask'd him why he did so affirming that it was his dog Th' other espying his codpeece then answered Had he had such an other codpeece as yours happely I should haue taken him for your dogge indeed and so forborne to haue kill'd him A Countrie-woman dwelling vpon Seuerne-bankes and being with child suddenly long'd to haue the streame of that riuer turne th' other way and long'd so extreamly to see it that there in that very place shee fell in labour and was brought a bed of a Salmon Such beiâ—g her husbands name A country-Viccar preaching to his parishioners against the excesse and vanitie of apparell that is nowe a dayes vsed compar'd womens Vardingalles to hell and mens Codpeeces to the deuill and concluded Now put that Deuill in that hell and behold hee 's where he would be One meeting a Welshman carrying a Hare at his backe ask'd him how he would sell it he answered I will not sell it but hold heer giue me a shilling and take it A Country-woman shent her daughter for gadding vp down among Ale-houses and she answered Indeed mother I cannot blame you if you be jealous of me for that I haue often heard it that I was your daughter afore euer you were maried to my father A Country-man standing at a marke an arrow lighted on his nose and spitted it through and through At last the Archer comming to the marke to take vp his arrow the Swaine met him with it in his hand and ask'd him whether it were his arrowe Yea hee answered where had yee it Marie see heer reply'd the Swaine pointing to his nose You haue made me a proper nose so you haue Indeed if you serue mee so anie more I 'le breake your arrow An Ale-house Groom came to a Gent. house in the Christmasse time and there in the hall fell a playing on his bag-pipe The Gent. passing by he ask'd him how his Worship lik'd his musicke Hee answered Marie not halfe so well as in an Ale-house A Country-woman was commending what a goodly child God had sent her neighbour that night and said It is euen as goodly a child God blesâ—e it as the Queen and the Councell One saying to a Countrie-man Faith neighbour if you mary Iugge you may chance to repent it for that I assure you she is a shrewd wench and hath stomacke ynough he answered Tut man Stomacke me no stomackes she shal want for no Bacon A certaine Iustice on the confines of Wales was an earnest puller down of Crosses riding one day through a village he spi'd at the townes end a faire stone-Crosse Whereupon not hauing the power to passe any further there he staid and sent his man back to a laine Farmers house there by for ropes and cordage to pull that Idoll downe The Country-man vnderstanding such the Iustices deuotions repin'd in his heart and yet prouided him not onely cordage for the purpose but also went himselfe to assist the deed And comming to the place the Iustice bid him get vp vpon the ladder and fasten the rope to the top of the crosse which he did purposely cut the rope almost cleane asunder leauing it only by one twist Then the Iustice and his man took the other end of the rope and began to draw and pul and pulling ouer-strongly the rope burst and down fell he and his man both backward into a pond whereat the Farmer laugh'd his hart out leauing him there to fish for him selfe as well as he could A Country-man passing through a street in London stumbled and laid his taile a ground A Prentise seeing it fell a laughing and said See see fellow how fine London is it brooks no such Swaines as you With that the country-man turn'd back and answered As fine as it is it hath kist my tayle for this once A Swaine saying to his wife that shee had as many liues as a Cat she answered And you but one and to many by that A country-man passing along the street met with a Carre and the horse spying his bounsing beard snap'd at it in steed of a bottle of hay Then the Country-man said The Deu'll take thee who made thee a Barber A Country-man had kill'd a Hare sitting and because it was Lent he knew not to whom to giue it and himself was no Lollard neither So being greeuously perplex'd about the matter in th' end he espy'd a Shepheard on the Doune and went offred it him but the shepheard would likewise none of it because it was Lent and bid him keep it to himselfe With that the Swaine being at his wits end how to bestow it repented that euer he kill'd it and would needs haue gone backe againe laid it wher he kill'd it But at last to saue a labour hee offred the Shepheard sixe pence to take it A Country-man came vp to the Tearme and went to a Lawyer a friend of his for his aduise in law offring him a fee which the Lawyer refus'd in respect he was his neer neighbor and a good-fellow Then the Countrey-man said vnto him well sir since you wil take no fee of me I hope wheÌ„ you come down into the countrey you will not refuse a Conie or such a trifle at my handes I answered the Lawyer a Conie or such a thing I care not if I take Say you so sir reply'd the Swaine I promise you that 's more then I and my dog can doe
Iurie which gaue in that the said Fish-monger was in hell at the time of the murther committed A Gentleman taking his leaue of a Gentlewoman said May it please you to will me any seruice Shee answered No I doe not yet make my will Calderon in Spanish signifies a Chaldron A Gentleman whose name was Calderon dallying at a Well in an Orchard with two Lasses an other Gentleman came by and requested him to helpe him to a draught of that Well-water he answered Sir with all my hart I would but I lacke wherewithall to draw it vp Th' other reply'd Hauing a Calderon and two buckets can you draw vp none Roque in Spanish is a Chesse-man so called and Dama is a Gentlewoman and the Queene at Chesse-play One Senior Roque married a faire Dame and a rich and a friend of his hearing of it said Oh happy Roque that couldst giue so faire a Dama the mate Romero signifies in Spanish a Pilgrim One whose name was so ask'd an other whether he knew him who answered Yea very well by the token you beg for Gods sake A Gentleman whose maistresse name was Field saying in a morning to a friend of his See howe I am all bedew'd with comming ouer yonder field The other answered Rather is it with lying all night in the field One came to seeke out a yoong Gentleman at a Dicing-house who hauing lost all his money was but newlie gone a walking and one of the company said vnto him You doe well to seeke him out for he is lost viz. he had lost One came to visite his enamour'd friend and he found him all alone in a Turret pensiue stepping in vnto him hee said Where is this enamour'd Gallant what in a Turret hee answered I where should a dead man be but enterred One Beast was suspected to haue cowardly beaten and bruised a weaponlesse poore fellowe by night and hee stoutlie denying it before a Iustice a Gentleman that stood by said Out of doubt if a Beast did it not yet was it done like a Beast who ere did it Certaine Gentlewomen were eating of a Posset and they all commended how good it was A Gentleman of the company for contradiction sake said No it is not good Whereunto one of the Gentlewomen answered You say what it is not but you doe not say what it is A Gentlewoman that had two Paramours the one called Spot the other Fuller one merrily sayd of her Hauing a Fuller I maruell shee can haue ere a Spot EXTRAVAGANT SPEECH ONe being in danger of drowning an other standing on the shore said vnto him Get to yōder stooping tree you are safe Tut hee answered tell not mee of getting or gayning for I care but only to saue my selfe at this time A Spanish Gent. looking out at his window after a coorse that was caried out of his house to be buried said Oh howe hard a matter were it to thrust mee out of my house seeing to carie a dead man hence is foure mens traueill A Spaniard seeing in a Church in Flanders all the Saintes Images defac'd and broken and anon after noting in the streetes a manie faire houses downe the chimneyes only standing said It had been meet whē these ruins were a doing that the Priests had conuay'd the Saintes into these chymneyes and the Citizens their houses into the Church for Sanctuarie Wherunto an other adjoyn'd Thus you see where Lutheranes preuaile Saintes goe to wracke One was a telling an other how one Fernando Ruis Cauesa of such a place dwelt 26. miles from Ciuill and 26. from Seres An other comming in abruptly asking him what he said he answered It is a whole paire of Cardes One being ask'd what hee made in those parts he answered I haue not done any good deeds to be yet in heauen A Moore walking along the streets of Toledo pass'd ouer a bridge where stood a many shops and no housing Seeing it he ask'd a shop-boy where his Maister lay a nights who answered At his house in the towne as all the rest besides did Oh foolish people then reply'd the Moore no wife by day nor no goods by night A mightie fat Gent. had nere a child by his faire wife And offring one day to runne for a wager with a familiar friend of his and to giue him a quoytes-cast ods before him the other answered Giue me but one cast more and I 'le deliuer you her with childe A Father comming to see his sonne drest of a wound in his face said It would not haue grieu'd mee halfe so much if it had been in the arme or in the legge or in any other place but ther The sonne answered Oh Father Receiuers are no Choosers One asking one whether his brother were yet aliue he answered No nothing liuelie but a verie Lubber A widdow-Gentlewoman fearing least her leane son might haplie conuerse ouermuch a nights with his fair Bride therby incurre a consumption vs'd often times to send him abroad about her businesse some three or foure dayes together and so many nights which the yoong Gentlewoman his wife tooke verie vnkindly at her handes Insomuch as on a time her husband being from home and she looking out at a window and chancing to see a many Sparrowes sitting in a bush she skarr'd them all away saying Faith Sparrowes you had best be gone least my mother in law come and send you going with a witnesse A Recusant making water against a church-wal the Church-warden seeing it excepted thereunto as prophanely done Wherunto he answered It is my Church not yours A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any further shee answered Ah yes deere husband nowe that I am come thus farre faith I 'le see you hang'd too God willing A Cooke seeing his far wife sit stradling at the shop doore said vnto her Fie on thee slut shut vp that shop of thine The Goodwife answered The Deu'll take him that hath the key and doth it not One saying to his neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly he answered Better so yet then a deuill in my heart One saying to his neighbour in an euening God giue you good night Th' other answered Amen Bishop Gardener seeing one of his men waite at the boord with a monstrous great Codpeece prick'd full of pinnes on the top tooke a peece of bread and crumbled it towards him saying Cob cob come cob cob A wench saying to one Thou art an errand knaue so thou art to vse me so behind my backe By chance one comming by and ouer-hearing it said Belike you would haue had it in your bellie A Pothecarie was shewing one an Vnicornes horne and an other came in abruptlie and ask'd him what horne it was hee answered A Cuckolds horne of a hundred yeeres olde An Officer examining a poore Passenger where he dwelt and how he liu'd he answered If you would examine me about other matters you should find I
were full of Lice OF EVASIONS AND EXCVses in speech DOn Diego Arias Treasurer to Iohn King of Spaine being sent for on a time by the King said vnto the Messenger Doth the King send for me Now a wedge betide him I pray God Being afterward call'd in question for so saying hee answered I meant your Majestie a wedge for your fortunes wheele Quemada signifies in Spanish to burne or be on fire A Gent. whose name was Quemada was a certaine faire Ladies Paramour She whensoeuer shee affirm'd any thing in earnest vs'd stil to say Quemada me vea if it be not true that is A fire light on me if it be not true A Weauer that vs'd to steale more yarne then his lawful allowance had a priuy place in his house where to hide it which he call'd Hell Hee whensoeuer anie of his Customers charg'd him with any such theft vs'd thus to protest sweare If I haue anie more then my due now I pray God in hell I may find it At the change of Religion heer in England one Doctor Morgan was depos'd from his cure to giue place to the Ministrie It chanced that being inuited certain daies alter to a dinner wherat were present certaine Iustices and a manie other worshipful guests he thus at dinner time mumbled vnto himselfe And is it euen so Morgan Faith haue they so hardly dealt with thee wel I assure theÌ„ it shal cost manie a mans life for it ere I haue done Such his mumblement being ouer-heard came afterwardes in question to his danger as seeming to proceede of a treasonable discontent with the present state And being brought to his answere he thus justified this speech saying I confesse I spake the words and it is true that the losse of my Benefice is like to cost manie a mans life for hauing now no other trade to liue by theÌ„ phisicke wherein as yet I am altogether vnskilfull it is likelie that my too timely practise will be the death of many a one Castanio signifies in Spanish a Chesse-nut tree also it is the name of the best kinds of Iennets in Spaine An vpstart Gallant walking in the street in companie of a many Gentlemen chanced to meet the Carier of his Country and asking him for letters from his friends what was the best newes in those parts the Carier answered No letters sir but bad newes Your father climing a Castanio th' other day to beate downe Chesse-nuts for his hogs fell down broke his neck Which newes some of the Gent. ouer-hearing smil'd to themselues ask'd him what bad Castanio-news it was the Carier told him he answered Mary Gent. euen as I alwaies fear'd Know ye that my father was th' only braue horsman in all our countrey and was neuer without halfe a dozen of most especiall choise Castaneos viz. Ienets of that kind and riding th' other day vpon one of them to visit a faire Ladie it chanced that the horse fell downe a high hill and hath slaine him A mad-man rusht into a chamber with a drawne sworde and finding one there a bed would haue slaine him saying Villaine were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow Th' other answered Tut sir that 's nothing with your worship to doe you can as easily strike off two heads at a blow as one Wherfore if you please I 'le go downe and cal vp an other that you may strike off both our heads at once The mad-man beleeu'd him and so let him slip away A Noble-man in this land call'd a Doctor errand Knaue and the Doctor answered Good my L. I would be loth to be so errand a Knaue as your Lordship And heerat he made a pawse as fayning to spet and then adioyn'd Takes me to be A Noble-mans man on S. Georges day for lacke of a goldechaine wore a Copper one gilt and fearing least it might bee perceiued button'd it close vp to his neck within his doublet Comming in the afternoone to visite his maistresse she seeing him weare his chaine so in hugger-mugger ask'd him why he wore it so he answered I giue it sucke least it should crie and be ouer-noysome to anie One that was none of the wisest was created Comptroller ouer a Citie in Spaine call'd Badajos wherof he was naturall another hearing of it said that the Counsell had greatly err'd to create him Comptroller of that place Being ask'd why he answered Because he cannot be Comptroller in his owne country viz. hee could not comptroll himselfe Two Souldiours being come to the place of single combat the aduersaries ghostly Father ask'd th' other Souldiour if hee had not any Rellicke or charme about him whereby he might hope to preuaile against th' other This Souldiours ghostly Father then standing by thus aenigmatically therunto answered This othe I dare take for him my self who hath no such matter about him A widow-Gentlewoman suspecting that a yoong Gallant who was a suter to her faire daughter had priuily deflour'd her and in that respect vnlesse he would take a booke-oath to the contrary she sware shee would giue no portion with her The Gent. knowing himself guilty took the Testament in his hand and thus aenigmaâ—icallie sware I heer protest by the holy contentes of this booke before you that neuer in all my life did I know this Gentlewoman your daughter carnally as you or any other may imagine but indeed I confesse I kist her embrac'd her and toy'd with her as I haue done with many Gentlewomen more in my daies and yet neuer any dishonestie came of it One objecting to a reuerend man that he kept a queane he answered What matter is it if I haue a whoore and a whoore haue not mee One being reprehended for liuing all to sloothfullie he answered We are not bound to giue accompt of our slooth but of our labours One saying to a Gent. Sir it were very good you told such a one of his faults that he may amend them he answered It is ynough that I thinke him a knaue though I tell him not so to his face One saying to a Gent. Faith hauing so much intrest in N. as you haue mee thinks you might easly bridle his passions he answered I am no horse-coorser A Clowne hauing surfeited of Beefe and being therewith extreame sicke vow'd neuer whiles he liu'd to eat Beefe more if it pleas'd God he might escape for that once Shortlie after hauing his perfect health again he would needs haue eaten beefe and his sister putting him in mind of his vow hee answered True sister not without mustard good L. not without mustard SENCE REVERSED BY IDENtitie of speech A Poore Carpenter yet a good work-man was employ'd to the building of a bridge wherin he became so good a gainer that it set him vp for euer And in one of the main postes therof he had engrauen these words Sanchio Rodriguez made this Bridge An other came after wrote vnderneath with a coale
call'd her euermore both in mirth and anger blind Bussard Certaine strangers being at dinner with him on a time a Gentleman of the company was also blinde of one eie and he then calling his wife blind Bussard adjoyn'd afterwardes to please the Gent. Sir I meane not you I meane the blind Bussard my wife One endorc'd his letter to a blind-man thus To him that but by smelling knowes Nor good nor bad before his nose this bee deliuered A Schoole-maister raising vp his Schollers early in a morning sayd vnto them I hauing but one eie can see to rise at breake a day and you with each of you two eies can scarse see day at noone A sand-blind Gallant praising himselfe to himselfe and saying Faith N. thou hast a comelie personage a passing faire wife and the world at will what wilt thou more A wagge behind a door ouerhearing him answered Out with those eies A one-ey'd Iudge being partiall for the Plaintiffe threatened the defendant that vnlesse he held his peace he would commit him The Defendant then casting his eye aside vnto the companie said Sirres beare witnesse what an vntoward eye he castes vpon mee I feare mee he will adjudge me blind anon A blind-man married a faire wife and on the marriage-day bee all to imbrac'd and kist her before all the companie Shee in modestie requested him to forbeare till night hee answered Nay Mouse all is night with mee A one-ey'd Gent. seru'd a verie browne Maistresse who on a time being sullenly dispos'd sore beflouted such his eyes defect and hee in reference to her swart complexion answered I pray be not you like the Sable-Crowe that still peckes at the eye Take it interrogatiuely and it sounds better A Country-man that had but one eye came to the Corne-market to buy wheate and resting there against a poste with a great sacke on his shoulder by chance an acquaintance of his came by and seeing him ask'd what price corne bare hee answered Mee thinks they hold the bushell as deere as a mans eie wherunto th' other reply'd What make you heere then with so great a sack seeing you are able to buy but one bushell A Captaine that had but one eye saying vnto the Marques of Pescara My Lord it is now late within night I pray giue mee leaue to goe sleepe an houre The Marques in reference that hee wanted an eye answered You haue slept one halfe already A Seruing-man hauing but one eie came into a Fence-Schoole and play'd with an other at fence it was his chance to haue th' other eie strooken out too Hee then seeing himselfe all in dark layd downe the foyles and sayd vnto the company My masters God giue you all good night One that had but one eye saying to an other How say ye will you play with me for an eâ—e th' other answered I but how will you see to play and stake too OF TALNES TWo sisters being in place together wherof the yoonger was tall and a maide and th' other a wife and great with child a Gent. in the companie said vnto th' elder How chanceth it your yoonger sister out-groweth you in height She answered Because I outgrow her in thicknes One seeing a little man and a tall man walke together said Loe yonder high Almaine and lowe Almaine A verie little Gent. riding on the way out-rid his men a prettie way before They meeting with a Traueiler ask'd him whether hee met not such a Gent. before he answered Not anie only I met some halfe mile hence a horse that carried a hat vpon the saddle-pummell and a boot hanging downe on eyther side A little Courtierran best at tilt before the Emperor Charles and the wags of the Couâ—t said that the paltry Ape did best A verie litle man talking with a monstrous Lunges stept to a ladder by and tooke it and rested it against his shoulder began to clime vp therupon The Lunges marueilling thereat ask'd him what a Gods name he ayl'd he answered Marie to of th' end you may heare mee One seeing a scab vpon a litle Dandeprats hand said Now see I that I neuer saw a scab vpon a hand-worme One seeing a dwarfe in the street of 44. yeares old said If he be as long a going from a man as he is growing to a man out doubt the Ape will neuer die OF FAT AND GROSSE ONe Hoops was apprehended vpon suspition of Fellonie two very big men came to bayle him The Iustice being thick of hearing ask'd a Sarjeant by what they said who answered Marie sir these Tubbes are come for Hoopes A big Iustice going in Circuit a plaine country-man came to him and said I humblie beseech your Highnesse to doe mee justice hee answered Thou hadst said better My Bignesse to doe thee justice A Gent. was manning a fat faire Gentlewoman ouer a field being wearie he whispered to a friend of his saying How might I do to rest my selfe he answered Lie down vpon your packe One proffered his friend his big and fat daughter in marriage and withall a very rich portion The other gaue him harty thanks therfore and said One quarter of her will serue my turn well'ynough wherefore you may doe well to seeke her out some other husbands for the rest One ask'd an aged fat man how it chanc'd that being of those yeeres he continued so fat withall hee answered Neuer was I yet a husband nor a seruant A fat grosse man challenged a leane man to run with him for a wager condition hee to haue asmuch waight laid vpon him as might counteruaile his waight The leane man answered It were better your corpulence were equalled with my leannesse A Gentlewoman commending a Gent. to his face and saying that he was a goodly big man he answered Al that is great is not good but all that is good is great One seeing a big fat Gent. and a leane Gent. standing together said Loe yonder Shroue-tide and Lent OF LEANNES A Gent. taxed a Gentlewoman of ouer-much leannesse shee answered Small and delicate is the needle at the end of a Goad that prickes the Oxe forward Of a very leane Gentlewoman that had no more breastes then a boord one said that shee was like a Hen robb'd of all her garbadge One seeing a grosse man and a lean man standing together sware that he neuer in all his life saw a Lute and a Gitterne better consorted Vpon the Tombe of a verie leane Lady this Epitaph was engrauen Heer in this graue repose a Ladies bones As full of flesh as when they were liuing ones A leane Gentlewoman whose seruants name was Ouncebred one thus bejested her to her face It seemes quoth he you eate â—ot aboue an ounce of bread at a meale OF CROOKEDNES AND Lamenesse THe Duke of Medina Celi hauing a crook'd back-Ladie to his wife ask'd his Iester on a time what hee thought of his stately new hall at Madredejos The Vice answered A stately hall indeed my L.