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A54240 The wits academy, or, The muses delight consisting of merry dialogues upon various occasions composed of mirth, wit, and eloquence, for a help to discourse to such as have had but small converse with the critical sort of people, which live in this censorious age : as also, divers sorts of letters upon several occasions both merry and jocose, helpful for the inexpert to imitate, and pleasant to those of better judgement, at their own leisure to peruse : with a perfect collection of all the newest and best songs, and catches, that are, and have been lately in request at court, and both the theatres. W. P. 1677 (1677) Wing P139; ESTC R4337 143,775 351

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protest Page 113 No no thou all of red and white Page 150 O. OH Celia come tell me how long it will be Page 12 Oh Delia for I know 't is thee Page 23 Oh that Joy so soon should wast Page 33 Oh name not the day lest my 〈◊〉 reprove Page 59 Oh sorrow sorrow say 〈◊〉 dost thou dwel Page 71 Oh Celia come tell me 〈◊〉 Page 100 P POor Citizen if thou wilt be Page 52 Poor Corydon thy flames remove Page 112 Peace Cupid take thy bow in hand Page 134 Poor Celia once-was very fair Page 140 Peace and silence be the guid● Page 142 Philander and Sylvia a gentle young pair Page 143 Phillis I pray Page 149 S. STay shut not the Gate Page 32 Since we poor slavish Women know Page 40 Sure it is so then let it go Page 74 Still to be neat still to be drest Page 79 Since Celia 's my Foe Page 90 Strephon what enviom Cloud bath made Page 117 T. THe delights of the Bottle and charms of good Wine Page 5 Tell me no more you live Page 3 'T is not enough great Gods 't is not enough Page 5 The Pot and the Pipe Page 28 'T is late and cold stir up the fire Page 42 Thou joy of all hearts and delight of all Eyes Page 52 To play upon a Viol if Page 60 They call they call what noise is that Page 62 Tyrant thou seek'st in vain Page 63 Thou art so fair and cruel to● Page 67 Turn off the Glass 't is a crime to see 't full Page 73 'T was in the pleasant Month of May Page 75 The Glories of our Birth and State Page 77 Thou fair Vsurper of my Fate Page 88 The World is grown mad and turn'd upside down Page 109 Take oh take those Lips away Page 145 V. Venus chanc't to love a Boy Page 42 W. VVHy should so much beauty fear Page 1 What sighs and groans now fill my breast Page 6 Why should Friends and Kindred gravely make thee Page 7 Were Celia but as chast as fair Page 14 What a madness it is to give over our drink●●ing Page 15 When a Woman that 's bux●m to a D●tard doth Wed Page 16 When first I saw fair Celia 's face Page 21 What mean the dull Poets themselves to abuse Page 22 When I see the young Men play Page 24 Where the Bee sucks there suck I Page 27 Woman who is by Nature wild Page 30 What an Ass is he Page 48 When first my free heart Page 53 What does the fair Clariza mean Page 55 When 〈◊〉 my dear Delia my heart did surprize Page 61 What shall we do Page 66 Why lovely Celia should I fear Page 70 Whilst Alexis lay prest Page 72 What makes you all so dull Page 76 When Aurelia first I courted Page 78 Why should we not laugh and be jolly Page 80 Why Phillis to me so untrue and unkind Page 89 When youth do agree to be merry and free Page 108 Where ever I am and what ever I do Page 122 When I shall leave this clod of clay Page 128 With an old Song made by an ancient old pate Page 145 Y. YOu Lovers Love on Page 29 You merry Poets old Boys Page 39 Ye she-friends and he-frriends Page 85 AN INDEX DIRECTING How to find out any of the aforegoing Letters in their proper Pages A Father to his Son at School in the Countrey Page 49 The Sons Answer Page 50 A Citizen returning his Friend kind thanks for his entertainment when he was in the Countrey Page 51 The countrey Gentleman's Answer to the Citizen Page 52 A merry Letter to invite a Friend to the Tavern Page 52 His Friend's Answer Page 53 A Letter from a Gentleman to a young Lady whom he courted to marry Page 54 The young Ladies answer Page 55 A Countrey Farmers Son to one of his Neighbours Daughters Page 56 Her kind Answer Page 57 A Letter to court a young Widdow who had lately buried her Husband Page 57 The Widdows Answer Page 59 A Merchant to his Factor in the East-Indies Page 60 The Factor's Answer Page 61 A Letter to disswade a Friend from marrying Page 61 The Young Man's merry Answer Page 64 A Letter of Anger sent to his Friend for an affrent given at their last meeting Page 66 His Friend 's short Answer Page 67 A Letter to chastise a near Kinsman who was given to Extravagancy Page 67 His Kinsman's Answer Page 69 A Letter from a Countrey Shop-keeper to a Grocer in London for commodities Page 70 The London Grocer's Auswer to his Countrey Chapman Page 71 A Letter from a Citizen to his Friend in the Countrey to send him up a Prentice Page 72 The Countrey Gentleman's kind Answer Page 73 A Letter of advice for health Page 73 The Gentleman's Answer Page 74 A Letter to his Friend in praise of his Mitress Page 75 His Friend 's merry Answer in praising his foul Mistress by the Contraries Page 77 A Letter sent to his Friend a Sommerset shire Man full of Complements Page 80 The Sommerset-shire Man's clowish Answer in their own Countrey Language Page 81 A loving Letter sent to a Gentle-woman Page 82 The Gentle-woman's kind Answer Page 83 A Letter from a Gentle-woman to her Husband who had buried her Child in the Country Page 85 The Husband's Answer Page 86 A Letter to congratulate a Friend's happy return from his long Journey Page 86 The Captain's thank ful Answer to his Friend's Letter expressed with many Complements Page 88 A hasty Letter to his Cousin Page 89 His Consin's hasty Answer Page 90 A Letter sent to his Friend condoling his long sickness Page 90 The sick Man's thank ful Answer Page 91 A Letter to perswade a Friend to betake himself to business Page 92 His Friend 's short Answer Page 94 A Letter from an Elder Brother to the Younger reproving him of extravagancy Page 95 The Younger Brother's Answer Page 96 A Letter sent from a London Quaker to one of his Country Brethren Page 98 The Country Quaker's Answer Page 99 A Letter of Excuse Page 99 The Gentleman's Answer Page 100 A Letter sent to a Gentleman in way of petition Page 101 The Gentleman's Answer Page 102 A Letter from a Gentleman to a Countrey School-master concerning putting his Son to School with him Page 103 The Schoolmaster 's Answer Page 104 A kind Letter to a Gentle-woman with a Ring sent as a token Page 105 The Gentle womans Answer Page 106 A Letter sent to a Gentleman as a challenge Page 106 The Answer Page 107 A Letter desiring his Friend to acquaint him with what news is stirring Page 108 His Friends Answer Page 109 A dunning Letter sent from a Creditor to his Debtor for Money Page 110 The Debtor's Answer Page 111 A Letter to perswade a Friend to marry Page 112 His Friend's Answer Page 114 A Letter complaining of such long silence in his Friend in writing no oftner to him Page 115 His Friend's Answer Page 116 A cunning Letter sent to a crafty Friend to borrow Money Page 116 The Answer Page 117 A Letter to his angry Sweet-heart Page 118 Her short but loving Answer Page 118 A Letter upon the delay of a courtesie desired Page 119 The Answer Page 119 A Letter of Counsel and good advice from a Father to his Son Page 120 The Son 's dutiful Answer Page 121 A merry Letter after the old fashion sent to a Maid Page 121 Her Answer Page 123 A Letter from a Father to a Son at the Vniverfity Page 123 The Son's Answer Page 125 A Danghters Letter to her Mother Page 126 The Mothers kind Answer Page 127 A Letter of comfort sent to a Friend in adverfity Page 127 His Friend 's thank ful Answer Page 128 A Letter sent to a Friend perswading him that he was a Cuckold Page 129 His Friend's Answer Page 130 A Fantastical Comical Letter sout to a Friend to try both his wit and patience Page 131 The Answer Page 132 A Conceited Letter from a Countrey Schoolmaster who thought himself to be a great Scholar Page 132 The Gentleman's Answer Page 133 A contional Letter from a Husband to his Young Wife in the Country Page 134 His Wifes Answer Page 135 A Letter to invite a Friend to a Wedding Page 136 His Friend's Answer Page 137 A Letter of farewel sent to a Friend from one that was going a long Journey Page 138 The Answer Page 139 How to begin Letters with Complements Page 140 Supplements with choice Phrases and Sentences to be used in the middle of Letters upon all occasions Page 151 Conclusions and Endings of Letters of all sorts and upon all occasions Page 157 Superscriptions for Letters suitable for all Degrees and Qualities of Men and Women Page 16● Posies for Rings or Motto's fit for presents Page 166 FINIS
can steal from my urgent affairs having no greater felicity then to be in your good company and do take it as a great favour that my unworthy presence is thought acceptable to a person of so great honour and worth as your self but that is your humility to condescend to my undeserts But lest I should seem to be too prolix and tedious in making my Apology I for this time humbly desist and write my self Your humble Servitor R. C. The Gentleman's Answer Kind Sir YOu need not have given your self the trouble to make Apology for your not coming to me according to your promise for I have had too large an experience of your love and friendship towards me to believe that any frivolous concerns could have detained you from making good your ward neither am I so injudicious but that I know full well that business must not be neglected to visit Friends nor would I be so injurious to your interest to disoblige or hinder you from prosecuting your earnest affairs though I must confess that I take a great delight in your company therefore I desire of you to be so kind to me as to let me enjoy you as often as conveniency will permit and give leave I design next Wednesday if health continue to go down to my Countrey-house and hunt a Buck and if you have leisure from your own occasions pray favour we with your pleasant Society your welcome I hope you will not question from Your loving Friend T. R. A Letter sent to a Gentleman in way of Petition Honoured Sir AMongst the rest of your charitable Acts and deeds I humbly beg that you would be pleased to grant me one small boon and for ever make me happy and obliged to pray for you which is that you would accept of me your unworthy Servant so well that I may succeed my Father in that Office which whilst he was living did enjoy who is now dead and buried and I question not but that I shall officiate and behave my self so well that you shall not hereafter repent you that you did countenance and shew me any kindness in this matter but with all humility I shall carry my self obliging towards you and the rest of those worthy Gentlemen that are therein concerned I know Sir that it lies in your power to stand my friend in this business and I hope you will be pleased to think me capable of what I make my request to you for being brought up and educated under my Father in the same way my industry and diligence with humble gratitude shall ever attend you whilst I am Sir Your Servant in all thankful acknowledgement P. Q. The Gentleman's Answer Honest Peter I Am very sorry to hear of your Father's Death the last time that be and I were together truly I little thought or imagined that he was so nigh his end though I must confess that he was pretty well stricken in years you may assure your self that for his sake and your own also I will do you any kindness that lies in my power and though the management of this concern does not wholly depend on my single choice and approbation there being several other Gentlemen you know which are equally concerned with me in the same business yet I do not question in the least but that they will freely condescend to my propositions in your behalf therefore rest your self contented for a while and doubt not but that you may succeed your Father in this place and when we meet together you may be confirmed according to your desire no more at present but remain Your assured Friend R. S. A Letter from a Gentleman to a Countrey School-master concerning putting his Son to School with him Worthy Sir ALthough I have not had the happiness as yet to be well acquainted with you yet your good works have rendred you famous to my opinion having partly understood some of your excellent qualifications in educating youth by some of my near Neighbours who have been concerned with you by committing their children to your tuition and government which by evident examples you have demonstrated that you have taken no small pains and care in order to their benefits for I find they have made a good proficiency considering their time and Age I have a Son Sir about ten years of Age that I intend to commit to your charge very suddenly therefore I would desire you to govern him according as you shall find him well or ill disposed not with too much severity nor too much lenity and I shall be willing to answer any reasonable demands as you shall desire both for his board and Schooling pray send me word if you please to accept of him and I will speedily come down along with him who am Your Servant unknown J. T. The Answer Sir I Must confess you are a Stranger to me nevertheless I am bound by the rules of civility to give you thanks for your good opinion of me however I hope if you ever make trial of what you have hitherto but only had by reports that I shall make good that Character which your Neighbours have given to your own satisfaction and belief If you please to bring your Son down to me Sir I shall be very careful of him as I am of all others which I take in hand and I doubt not in the least but that we shall quickly agree upon terms I have conveniency enough to entertain him and we live in a very good wholesome Air I never had a Boy that lodged in my house return home sick since I kept School which is now about sixteen years since Yet I have entertained many good Mens Sons as for his disposition I shall soon learn and find out what temper he is of and accordingly shall have an eye towards him thus till I see you Sir I remain Yours in all reasonable service W. K. A Letter to a Gentle-woman with a Ring sent as as token Fairest of Creatures I Here present you with the true Emblem of my love it is a Ring which represents my Love to you is endless that though you frown upon me and seem to slight my proffered services yet still my Love endures as firm as at the first neither can all your angry denyals to my long continued sute alter or change my loving resolution This Ring is Gold the purest of all Metals which signifies if that you please to take it so that my Love is pure and the purest of all Love not tainted nor corrupted with any thoughts of worldly interest but 't is your love alone Madam that I ask how can you be so cruel to your adorer one that takes no delight in any Creature living but your self I dare not call you unkind nor speak the least ill thing against you for my love is so great that I cannot call your disdain unworthiness Let pity move you to compassion which if I find I shall not doubt but that I shall quickly be a
an honour to me therefore you need not make any intreaties for I shall be very forward to conjoyn my self with so good society as I sind you are and to answer your question I shall tell you Sir that I intend to reach as far Dunstable too night and there to lye being in my Road to West-Chester whither I am bound Tiberius In a happy hour I have set forward on my Journey for I am travelling within ten miles of Chester therefore I hope I shall enjoy your company so far Rowland With all my heart Sir Tiberius Your Horse goes very well Sir pray what price Rowland My Horse is a Mare Sir and I think she goes well enough I am sure she pleases me Tiberius No doubt of it Sir there is no reason why I should mislike her if she pleases you but how do you like mine Sir Rowland Why Sir for fear I should make the same mistake as you have done I must tell you that be it Horse or Mare or what ever the Beast is I cannot tell but it goes very well Tiberius It is to speak after the Jocose manner as you have done a double hol'd Gelding a Mare Sir as we say in English of the same Sex as yours is but I think not altogether so stately Rowland Well we 'll make no comparisons Sir but I believe they both may be very good but where do you intend to Inn for this night Tiberius Why Sir I would willingly be directed by you but I 'le tell you where I us'd to lie Rowland Pray where 's that Sir Tiberius At the Sign of the two Travellers it is a very good Inn and there we shall have good entertainment for our Horses and our selves I name the convenience for the Horse first for if they fare well I don't question but we shall do well enough Rowland You say true Sir for they cannot speak for themselves but we can and I 'le warrant you we will want for nothing no more shall not the Horses ' or I 'le take care of that Tiberius You say right Sir the Mares shall want for nothing for our first care shall be for them and then Sir I shall be at your service Rowland Sir I am at your service but pray what a kind of Hostess have we Tiberius Nay Sir you say right for we have a very kind Hostess Rowland How do you mean Sir Tiberius I mean honestly a very good woman to our Landlady and ifaith she rules the roast Rowland I am glad to hear it Sir for we intend I hope at least I do to have some Roast but pray have we never an Host or Landlord there Tiberius Yes yes we have a Landlord a very good man that is to say a very merry Landlord you shall see when we come there but as I tell you the Hostess his Wife id est our Landlady rules the roast Rowland And so I would have her Sir for it properly belongs to that sex to see after the Roast Tiberius Well Sir and so I say too but no more of this till we come there Rowland Agreed Sir but I think we don't want much of it now Tiberius Sir you say true but shall I be honoured so far as to be a Supper-man with you as well as a Fellow-traveller Rowland I hope that question is not to ask now your invitation was so fair that I should be a Churl and a great one if I should deny you what so readily you have proposed Tiberius Why then Sir let 's take up our quarters together but not too fast now we are nigh our Inn but let 's ride softly that our Horses alias Mares may not be too hot when we come into our Inne Rowland Here Hostler Hostler Who calls Tiberius Here take our Horses Rowland And rub them down clean and come to us by and by and you shall be informed what Corn we intend to give them Tiberius Will you be pleased to walk into the Kitchin and see what 's there you like for Supper Rowland Yes Sir I 'le follow you it seems you are acquainted with my Landlady therefore pray walk first and renew your acquaintance with her Tiberius Your servant Sir I 'le obey your commands Landlady your humble Servant how have you done this many a day Hostess Why let me see who 's this Master Tiberius Tiberius The very same Hostess Lord is there such a man alive Tiberius Yes I am alive still Landlady and this Gentleman and I do intend to be your Guests too night Hostess Come old Boys I 'le give each of you a kiss if you 'l meet me half way and bid you wellcome So now you are wellcome Gentlemen Rowland Well honest Landlady what shall we have for Supper Hostess Troth e'ne what you please Gentlemen Tiberius Well but what have you got in the House Landlady Hostess Why you may have a couple of Capons or a couple of Pullets or a dozen of Pidgeons with two or three dozen of Larks you know Sir that we live in the onely Lark Country in England but if you be not pleased with hollow birds you may have a Shoulder of Mutton Or a Loyn of Veal or any boil'd Meat if you please Tiberius Well Landlady you have nam'd varieties enough come you know my old Custome give me a pint of your best Sack and whil'st we are drinking that we shall have time to consider which of these dishes of Meat to pitch upon Hostess You shall have it Sir Rowland We have a good Jovial Landlady here I perceive Sir Tiberius Yes Sir she will talke merrily but I really believe it is onely to please her guests for I am very confident that she is honest Rowland No doubt of it Sir for you know we commonly find that the greatest talkers are the least doers Hostess Gentlemen I 'le make bold to begin and present my service to you both and you are both wellcome Both Thank you Landlady Hostess Mr. Tiberius I 'le present it to you first because you are my old acquaintance Tiberius Thank you Landlady Sir my humble service to you and I thank you for your good company Rowland Your servant Sir I am glad of so good a companion as your self come Landlaiy the t'other glass to you and then wee 'l think what to have for Supper Hostess With all my heart Sir But Mr. Tiberius where have you been this many a day Tiberius Why about the World Landlady sometimes in one place and sometimes in another You see I am alive still Rowland Well Sir now what shall we have for Supper Tiberius Pray Sir do you speak Rowland Why I think a shoulder of Mutton and two or three dozen of my Landladies Larks since she praises them so much Tiberius Agreed withal my Heart Landlady pray take care that they be made ready presently Hostess They shall Sir will you be pleased to walk up into your Chamber Tiberius Yes Landlady we will walk up but though we sup together yet we
must have two Chambers to lie in Hostess You shall Sir What will you be pleased to drink Gentlemen Rowland VVhy let 's taste of your Ale and Beer Landlady will you Hostess Yes you shall Sir Exit Hostess Tiberius VVell but pray Fellow traveller give me your absolute Opinion of our Landlady Rowland VVhy Sir as I told you before she may be honest for what I know by her I am sure she is but for your own part I believe that you know something by her by your redoubling the question of what I thought of her besides that is not all the ground I have for suspicion for I have observ'd some amorous wanton glances cast towards you now and then when we were in the Kitchin and also since we came up into the Chamber but what the meaning of it should be is best known to your self Tiberius Fie Sir Fie sure you mistake your self she did not look and smile on me did she Rowland Nay I am sure I am not mistaken for she did smile and cast a wanton eye on you too Tiberius VVell well Sir how do you like her did she not kiss well Rowland In troth Sir I cannot tell I took so little notice of it 't was onely for fashions sake that I kiss'd her not out of any desire I had to it but to fulfil the ancient custom Hostler VVhat corn will you be pleased to give your Horses Sirs Rowland VVhy give mine half a peck of Oats too night and the like quantity in the morning Tiberius And let mine have the same Hostler They shall Sir Rowland Here Hostler take the pot and drink Hostler Thank you Master Tiberius Be sure let them have their due Hostler I 'le warrant you Sir Hostless Gentlemen your Supper is ready will you have it brought up yet Rowland Yes Yes by all means Landlady bring it up for we think long till we be at it I am sure I do Hostess You shall have it immediately Sir will you be pleased to seat your selves So here 't is come now Tiberius Come Landlady sit you down pray where 's my Landlord your Husband Hostess Alas poor Cuckold where should he be he is abroad about his business Rowland How 's that Landlady you do but jest sure Tiberius No no she uses to talk after this rate I know but I believe my Landlord is no Cuckold for all that Hostess Well come Gentlemen fall too I have said grace for you Tiberius VVell said Landlady I perceive you are merry but we will every one say grace for himself Rowland So Now Landlady be pleased to help your self and we will cut afterwards Tiberius VVell Landlady I know your temper you connot eat well without a bottle or two of Claret Hostess VVell then if you know my humour I hope you will let me have it for I shall live the longer and I know you would not have me die yet for you 'l never meet with such another Landlady Rowland Yes yes Landlady if that a bottle or two of VVine will prolong your days you shall have that Cordial to be sure and I am also in your opinion that a good Supper cannot be made without a bottle or two of VVine Here Boy bring us up a bottle of Claret Boy By and by you shall have it Sir Tiberius Come Landlady have we never a merry Jest at Supper Hostess Are you married Sir Tiberius Yes that I am Landlady Hostess VVhy then you are a Cuckold Rowland How do you know that Landlady Hostess VVhy it follows by confequence that all men that are married must of necessity be Cuckolds because my Husband 's one Tiberius Suppose your Husband be one must all men therefore be Cuckolds because he is so surely all the VVomen in the VVorld are not VVhores Hostess Oh Fie Mr. Tiberius I had thought you could not have spoke such a word I vow I could find in my heart to be angry with you what must all those women that make their husbands Cuckolds be called Whores no sure I hope not Rowland Nay but Landlady setting all aside how do you call those VVomen as make their Husbands Cuckalds if they are not VVhores I am much mistaken Hostess Lord Sir I had thought that you had lived long enough in the World to know better things Suppose I or some other VVoman should be willing to satisfie your desires in that way rather then disoblige you methinks you would not call me or the or whoever it be VVhore for condescending to your will Tiberius VVhy what would you have her accounted then Landlady Hostess You may say she is a kind VVoman or so a good natur'd VVoman or so but the name of whore is so odious that it deserves not to be given for it except the party so called be a common strumpet and mercenary prostrating her self to any sort of fellow for half a Crown or under she indeed deserves the Name of VVhore and no other VVoman whatsoever Rowland VVell Landlady it shall be as you say come one glass of Claret to you and all shall be well I hope Hostess Sir I 'le pledge and now I hope you understand the difference betwixt a VVhore and a kind VVoman Tiberius VVell well Landlady we are satisfied and too morrow morning before we go you shall be satisfied too Hostess I question it not Gentlemen good night Sir Mr. Tiberius if you please you shall lie in another chamber and this Gentleman shall lie here Rowland VVith all my heart Landlady Sir good night to you pray use my Landlady kindly DIALOGUE IIII. A Merry discourse betwixt Harry and Doll in Country Phraises Harry HOnest Doll well met in troth whither art thou going this morning so early Dol Why what is that to you Good man Coxcomb I hope I am not to make you acquainted with my Master and Dames besiness that would be a pretty Jest indeed if I should do so but I think the fool has more wit in truth pray do you mind your business and I will take care of what I have to do and so farewell Harry Nay stay a little sweet Dorothy stay do not be so angry that 's my good Girle what hast thou piss'd on a Nettle this morning that thou art so tachy come come Doll prithee be gentle for I vow to God I ask thee for no harm Dol No harm sauce-box what is' t you aske me for then Harry Nay sweet Dorothy be patient and I 'le tell thee Dol Well come let me hear it Harry Why it was not to enquire after any of thy Master or Dames business that I stoped thee but because I have a little business of my own to tell thee of if thou wilt hear me with patience Dol I wonder what I have to do with your business I 'le bear none of your business by the Mass not I therefore pray let me go Harry Nay stay a little Doll you must hear me I 'le swear I shall cry if you are thus unkind to