my mother cradeled my head Well I staid not long there I had not neede but on I passed vntill I came to Coopers-nor-ton a pretty well seated village but not a droppe of water was to bee got in it for loue nor money the reason is as I heard afterward least they should mixe it with the wine and so prooue euill common-wealths men Onelie this I must tell the reader by the way for I promise yee it put mee often to a shrewd putther I was as much troubled with pottes and flaggons in my iourney as the traueller that hath farre to goe is with the Spanish and Italian Crosses I could neuer goe three miles to an end but I should finde a bouncing tankard kenneld vnder an arch and drinke I must needes no gain-saying the lawes of the Lands holie hospitality at last I ouertooke a traueller in an old tatterd Cassocke of haire-cloath bare-foote and bare-head I demaunded whether hee went so fast Sir quoth hee I haue vndertaken a long Pilgrimage vnto Saint Borachio of Bottles-brooke I wondered at this new name and this as yet vndiscouered Pilgrimage so I questioned him at large of the country of this townes situation and discipline and finally of the vertues of this Borachio Bottles-brooke sir quoth hee is seated in the confines of Hot-watria and Let cheritania and is of great fame through out both the soiles Besides diuers other ancient monuments in the towne there is a temple of Bacchus Fiery-face they call it the Chappell Ardent where a ritch and rare statue of his is erected not like a grown man as else-where it is but of an informed birth iust as his father tooke him from the burning womb of Semele so is it hauing beene long ago so cut out of the hard Rocke of Rubies The top of this temple is al set with Carbunickles golden sparks most ritch to behold from the embowed arch there drops they say a kinde of hot fuming liquour as the Cataracts doe in some places of Mar del zur and is receiued into a Borachio that standes placed accordinglie whose vertue is such that if one drinke a large draught of it with good deuotion he shall neuer in all his life after be either drunke before noone or a thirst before midnight both which helpes may doe mee much good for I am a man so employed in my countrie that I can neuer lye in my bed vntill mid-night for thirst nor neuer rise in the morning but before noone I am drunke and fast a sleepe againe Therefore haue I gone this three dayes without drinking at all saue that I dranke one dish of water this morning because I would merite the more of this holy Saint Borachio when I come there nor dares any man importune mee to drinke or any in my company as long as I weare this weede Bir-lady sir you must thinke I was not meanly glad of so good a priuiledge and therefore I intreated both his company and patronage Well wee went chatting on vntill I obseruing the soile altered asked him where we were now This country quoth he euer since wee came ouer the Lake Metheglin is called the Countie of Vsquebath being the first shire of Hott-watria It is not so well husbanded but it is farre more fertile then our country of Wine-cester exceeding both in fatnesse of soile and purenesse of ayre So when I heard the name I vnderstood presently both the originall and the definition thereof Vsquebathia because they drinke there Vsque ad 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 euen to the bottome there are other deriuations thereof but those I leaue vnto the six wits to censure of The people of this nation are generally fulsome and slouenly and of a continuall fearce and terrible aspect vnlesse they be drunke yet they vsed mee very kindly for my religious pilgrims sake as they are very much giuen to superstition who lodged with me the first night in the common hospitall of an obscure little cittie I forgot the name yet we lay very quietly for wee found all the towne dead drunke at our comming and left them so at our parting much other matter past vs but I leaue it as vnworthy of regarde At length through many craggie fennie woody passages wee ariued at a famous port towne called Puerto d' Aqua forte Now quoth I being as weary as a dog whether goe we now is not this Bottlesbroke O Lord no quoth he but cheere vp your selfe we haue not a foote of ground more to passe vntill we bee there all the rest of our iourney lyes by water which when we haue passed we shall coast a little by the pleasant shores of Hott-watria and presently we are at Bottlesbroke this country is like Denmarke parted into two by the sea that was the cause of our crossing the water Well to ship we went and away By this time imagine vs in the midst of the sea well my heart is cold yet to thinke but what a danger wee escaped there for looke yee sir our Mariners were all drunke to a haire not a man could guide himselfe if hee might haue a kingdome One was a sleepe at the sterne another going about to row had Palinures destinie and fell ouer-boord whoÌ„ two more seeking to hale vp again had not we two held theÌ„ had both falne after A third falls into choller laieth a fourth ouer the pate for not helping his fellow he stâ—ikes againe to it they go fight Beare fight dogge and all the rest diuided themselues on two sides Now flew the pondrous oares about their eares and clubbs and pumpe-staues all their armes appeares the water was quiet and euery one vsed his oare in the aire But indeed they are easily knockt downe whose ham-strings Bacchus hath already cut in two Flat they lay all but a couple of conquerors who being too late weary of the massacre fell vpon vs two laying all the blame vpon vs. But wee two scorning to bee put downe by two walking tankards got vp a couple of cudgels and gaue them their due disarmed them bound them fast to the Mast and plaide the sailers our selues But our boat sympathizing belike with hir ancient maisters the drunkards did so welter from side to side that had not Aeolus sent vs a strong gale and forced the boate on against hir will wee had laide our bones in the bottome of those seas for ought that I saw and my religious fellow had neuer seene Saint Borachio As we sailed on I descried a farre of on the left hand a certaine high Iland couered with snow and asking him how he called it It is quoth he the Frozen Iland where Bacchus liued for feare of his step-dames wrath when hee was young and the inhabitants vsing him churlishly and at length chasing him by force from thence his father being offended laid a plague of perpetuall snow and darknesse vpon them But whence is that smoake I see a farre of That smoake comes out of Mount
cast out your angle-hooke amongst them but immediatly like the soules in Lucian about Charons boate or Cole-miners about the Rope when the candles burning blew tels the dampe commeth you shall haue hundreds about the line some hanging on the hooke and some on the string besides it such is their pleasure to goe to the pot such their delight to march in pompe from the dresser Besides the land hath diuerse good hauens but they serue for harbour to no ship but such as comes fraught with good fare and is laden with delicious viands If any parcell of their fraight haue taken Salt-water or bee otherwise offensiue to the iudgment of the maister of the custome-house it commeth not a shore by any meanes The soyle beares no tree that beares no fruite Ashes Oakes Willowes such fruitlesse fill-roomes such saw I none for none were there to be seene But all the hedges and so it is also in Drink-allia were stuck thick with Hops and surely in my conceit the westerne English and the Lumbards had this custome at first from the Drink-alls This territory of old was vnlesse their chronicles do mistake vnder the gouerment of the Thriuingers inhabitants of Thriuingois a nation lying a good way further into the maine land for their Annales report how in the dayes of old Saturne the Thriuonian Princes bare sway ouer all this continent and had their principall seate in that part now called Eat-allia and that because the men of those times liued most part vpon Garlick called in Latine Allium therefore was this region called Allia but forreine inuasions ensuing and those antient worthies being hereby chased from their places of soueraigntie the conditions of the people grew to a great alteration to proportionate the name of the country to the natures of the inhabitants they added Eate vnto the ancient name Allia so from that change it beareth the name of Eat-allia vnto this present Dressembourg the first Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 3. DRessembourg is the first part of this great land of Eat-allia fittest for vs to begin with in our intended discouery This Canton were it not for a greater instinct of naturall inclination is in too hotte a climate for any true Eatall to inhabit for the vttermost corner of it which some Geographers name the South cape lieth vnder the same latitude with the most Southerne point of Castile and is about two and fortie degrees distant from the Aequinoctiall The inhabitants be of a swartie tawnie and most of them haue their skins all riuelled and withred and for their conditions they affect deliciousnesse rather then excesse Vpon the foresayd point of this Canton which wee named the Swarty cape as the whole countrie is wondrously ouer-clowded with smoke partly because the soile is very Fennish and partly because of the neerenesse of Terra del fuego the land of Fire which lieth as all the discouerers thereof doe with one voyce affirme immediatly vpon the right hand thereof standeth the citty Kitchin the buildings of which towne are generally very lofty and yet as generally smoakie and euill sented I imagine that Cochin in the East Indies was a colony sent at first from this citie In the midst of this cittie standeth a goodly temple dedicated to God All-Panch a vaste and spacious building wherein there are a thousand altars burning with continuall Incence excepting from Shrouetide vnto Easter-euen vnto the foresaid Deitie In the midst of this temple is a tower erected of incredible altitude no worke made with mans hand euer came neere it the Pyramides of Memphis are but mole-hils to it the inhabitants called it Chymney-turret and from the height thereof the whole region round about it haue the vsuall signall of warte giuen them for whereas wee vse to giue notice of such ensuing dangers by fyring a tarre-barrell on the toppe of a beacon they on the contrary side haue their information from the ceasing of the smoake for when-so-euer that eternall fume ceaseth to ascend in caliginous clouds it is a sure warning that the foe approacheth and this inuasion is most cōmonly attempted by the inhabitants of the Starueling Iles otherwise called Hunger-landers for these are the most formidable enemies that the Eat-alls haue or can be annoied by Neare vnto the sayd City Kitchin are certaine villages that are all within the liberties thereof and first there is Cole-house a large towne truely and all consisting a strange forme of building of caues vnder the ground then is there Ashe-ton and that stands vpon the toppe of Cole-house on a most droughty and barren soile Tonges-worth another little village and this Ashe-ton are both in one parish and so is Fyer-pan and Ayre-bumme two goodly sweet farmes On the left hand you haue three others Spit-stead Kettle-drop and Spoones-by all pretty townes and maruellous well peopled Kettle-drop hath a faire riuer passeth through it called Ture-mois which they say boyleth euery 24. houres not much vnlike the fountaine of the Peake in England Banquet-ois the second Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 4. PAssing out of Dressembourg the next Canton yee enter is the very garden of all Eat-allia it is called Banquetois and is as it were a continuall forrest of nothing but Dates Almonds Figges Oliues Pomegranates Cytrons and Nutmegs and the riuer of Oylebrooke hath his course through the heart of all this goodly territory The Citty of March-paine is the chiefe towne of note in this Canton beeing built after a stately manner with turrets and obeliskes all guilt ouer but indeede it is but of a slender kinde of fortification and lieth verie open to the enemies cannon a little aboue this City are certaine mines called the Sugar-hills whence they digge a certain oare in collour whitish in touch hard in tast sweete a substance vnknown of old since hauing bin counterfetted by arte and drawne by Alchymy out of the Arabian and Indian Reedes This City hath very few inhabitants of any yeares that haue any teeth left but all from 18. to the graue are the naturall heires of stinking breaths Next vnto this lieth another little corporation called Drugges-burge and here they haue a law that none must bee made free of the City but Apothecaries Grocers and Boxe-makers The Shee-landresses vse much traffique vnto this place but more vnto Letcheri-tania where they vse to make exchange by bartering christaline glasses for vnguents and Pomanders Now for these Drugges-burgers the very heauens seeme to conspire with the places fitnes to increase their trading for at certaine times of the yeare you shall haue the whole countrie couered quite ouer with Aromaticall trochisches comfits and confections that fall from the aire in as great aboundance at those times when they do fal as euer fel showre of Haile Now I hold this to be nothing really but that same hony-dew which we shall finde now and then vpon the leaues of the Oke in a
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Or were it that mine vnquenched thirst and desire of knowledge togither with the applausiue carriage I found in these men were the motiues to these effects I knowe not I was already fully acquainted with all the rarities of mine owne Nation and falling into a discourse of the profit of trauell with two Aliens of my neare acquaintance Peter Beroaldus a Frenchman and Adrian Cornelius Droge a Dutchman wherein wee had many delightfull passages about comparisons of languages conditions and cities at last In troth quoth Beroaldus I know not as yet what trauell meanes if hee that leaues his natiue soyle to passe but into a neighbour countrie or ouer a neighbour riuer admit it bee the Rhine or the Tweed deserue this name as vulgar opinion seemes to allow whereas hee neuer changes eyther skie ayre or soyle I see not if this bee true any profit or worth in the world contained in trauell My parents friends at Montauban haue written very often for my returne as though I were farre from them whereas I beleeue mee haue imagined my selfe all this whole two yeares at home for how little a way is it from Mount-auban to Paris from Paris to Callis from Callis to Douer Truely when I thinke of the land it seemes about an elle in the Mappe a finger-breadth in the forme of the heauens iust nothing Nor see I any reason why that France should hee held my natiue soyle more then all Europe for if you stand vpon diuersity of language how many languages I pray yee haue yee in Europe quite different from the French If the conditions of the nations mooue yee view not Europe but view the whole world and euery Prouince thereof leaning to the qualities of those that adioyne vpon it as the Polipus turnes into the colour of euery stone shee comes neere O Beroaldus quoth I againe but we do enuie at the licence you haue to contemne trauell wee wretches that like Tortoyses are bound to our owne houses whilest you haue taken suruey of all the worlds singularities and now that you are filled with their knowledge you set them at nought thus Might I but view the Snowie Alpes or the shady Pyrenes oh how much should I thinke my selfe beholding to mine eyes at my resting time when all that I had seene should turne to my benefit and store mine vnderstanding with a fresh fraught of knowledge Ah how much quoth Beroaldus doth absence promise him that would bee present and how vaine are the hopes that attend on ignorance friend when I was at home vnexperienced I thought as you do but triall hath now taught me to see mine owne simplicity A trauell of so small toyle yeelds easie satisfaction and in this your expectation shall exceede your experience in all those nouelties Forreine parts are so like ours that you cannot thinke them strange to yee though you neuer saw them before And what is there in all the knowne world which mapps and authors cannot instruct a man in as perfectly as his owne eyes your England is described by Cambden what vnderstanding man is there that cannot out of him make as perfect a description of any cittie riuer monument or wonder in all your Ile as well as if hee had viewed it in person himselfe What part of Europe is there that affoords more to a strangers eye then is related by one pen-man or other The seuerall conditions of the people are all described already as farre as eyther pen or experience can set downe but neither can giue any vniuersall knowledge The French are commonly called rash the Spaniard proud the Dutch drunken the English the busi-bands the Italians effeminate the Swethen timoroas the Bohemians inhumaine the Irish barbarous and superstitious but is any man so sottish as to thinke that France hath no staid man at all in it Spaine no meacock or Germanie none that liues soberly They are fooles beleeue it that will tie mens manners so firme vnto the starres that they will leaue nothing to a mans owne power nothing to the parents natures nothing to nurture and education View this Pernassus here whereon we liue Suppose here were a Colledge of Italians Spanish French Danes Dutch and Polacques doe you thinke to finde more varietie of dispositions in this company of Students then you may doe amongst your owne English Turne yee therefore which way yee will I cannot see how this halfe a foote trauell can benefit vs any waye excepting that wee may reape some annimation to learning by the sight of such great Schollers as Whitaker Raynolds Bellarmine Beza Iunius Lipsius and such like as those vvere Indeede I holde that your Drake and your Candish were trauellers as also Sebastian Delcano the Portughesse because their voyages put girdles about the whole world Nay I will allow Chrystopher Colono that name also for his discouerie of the West Indies Francesco Piccaro and Almagro for Peru Hernando Magellano for the Moluccaes and Sir Hugh Willoughbye for his Northren discoueries together with all such as eyther haue first found out vnknowne regions or haue brought them to order And truly I will tell you two plaine my minde doth prompt me with some noble enterprise of this kinde such as the world might gaze at and all posterity record with admiration With that hee blusht and held his peace as if he had blabd some bold secret Yea Beroaldus quoth Drogius to him dare you not speake it out doe you imagine to torture our mindes with setting them on worke vpon doubtfull inquiries or is your modest secret hetherto so closely suppressed afraide to aduenture vpon so many eares at once Nay speake what ere it bee wee haue cleere browes looke you open eares and faithfull hearts nor can your vnknowne enterprise come to light eyther vvith more securitie or fitter occasion Well Drogius well quoth Beroaldus you take my silence in no good sence but mixe it with your coniectures that though great matters neuer goe but like as Princes doe with their numerous traines with a great preamble of ambiguous tearmes yet that I should not doe so but vent a pondrous conceite a birth that my braine hath trauelld a yeare with all naked without any praemonitions In truth I resolued at the first to let you know it marry not with-out some graduall proceedings and materiall preparations without which I know well how fond the vvisest proiect doth commonly seeme but now I see my selfe chayned to a head-long discouerie mauger my beard vnlesse I should giue you iust cause to call my loue to you both in question Wherefore you shall know it sooner I assure you then I did intend but with no lesse willingnesse Onely imagine you that you haue already heard mine intended premonition It hath euer offended mee to looke vpon the Geographicall mapps and finde this Terra Australis nondum Cognita The vnknowne Southerne Continent What good spirit but would greeue at this If they know it for a
gracefull termes Hee is held a wise man that speaketh not much vnto little purpose not he that speaketh little vnto none at all They neuer come on horse-back nor a shipp-board but hold it fondnesse to hazard their liues either on a stumbling iade or in a weltring barge they suck vntill their beards come nor do they euer bury their dead holding it a slauish part for a man to tumble his parent wife brother or so into an hole because that life is out of them to make a feast of them vnto the wormes because of the lack of a little breath therefore they hang them vp in the aire in their best attire euery yeare keepe a solemne obite in honor of their departed ghosts iust in the place where they are hung vp and this forme of buriall is most ancient as may bee gathered out of many monuments yet extant in Fooliana the deuoute The women of this nation are the principall gouernesses also of the state but their dominions more tolerable in that their witts cannot informe them of the true state of Soueraignty But what they haue as I was told grew first vpon this The Shrewes-burgesses whilom ouer-run all the whole region of Fooliana which not-with-standing by reason of the barrennesse of the soile they would not possesse but left the inhabitants in possessiō prouided they held it no longer then they did homage for it vnto them paying them an Asse laden with gold for their yearly tribute This rent was paied along time vntill at last the Foolianders brake out vpon these conditions that as for the gold they did not respect it so that the Shrews-burgesses would demand it when it was due but for them to force a louing creature and one of their naturall towne-borne country-broode with stroakes and battes to beare this burden out of their land against his proper will and pleasure this was a condition very hard nay to their iudgments intollerable besides that their quiet hereby stood in doubt for one asse you know being heauier then another if gold and asse and all weighed more or lesse this yeare then they did the yeare before the Shrews-burgesses might alledge that they had not their due especially which is a maine reason of this breach seeing that the poore creature though seeming neuer so able to beare out his burden at first yet after a few dayes iourneys hath beene forced to lay him downe vnder his loade This message incensed the Shrewesburgesses much where-vpon to armes they go entring Fooliana came without any resistance vnto Blocksford otherwise called Duns-ton the chiefe citie of the land alarum was giuen out comes all the Blocks-fordians hurling vpon an heape without armes or order The foe was fairely ranged and gaue the charge downe falls a citizen or two which the rest beholding fell all vpon their knees in submission with prayers for mercy and protestations of innocencie The weapons were held and by and by one of the grauest Foolianders bespake them in this maner Ah what a violent inundation of cruelty hath ouerflowne your good hearts you right valiant Shrewes-burgesses that for one poore Asse you should kill thus many proper men and pritty schollers especially and oh let this especiall reason rule yee seeing that one quick asse or one asse being quick do ye vnderstand me would haue bin more seruiceable to your estate then a thousand a thousand said I may then fiue and forty men being dead as naile in dore take mistake me not I bid you take take euery one his asse and his burden of gold we had rather liue without them then to die for them you shall all haue asses asses are not so scant in this country of ours once more I say you shall haue asses Gods plenty ô then put vp your shining things spare the liues of a many weaponlesse men I know to your honor be it spoken I do vnderstand that your valour scornes to stand in defence against a weaponlesse wretch O spare vs then I do beseech you free vs from that present feare Wel the conqueresses are moued by this patheticall oration consented to giue them their pardons mary vpon this condition that the women of Fooliana should euermore in domestique employments haue preheminence before the men The vanquished gaue their humble consents and wee thanke yee too for it was a noisome toile to them to bee euer-more in the taile of a slow-back egging him on to performance whether hee would or no. Of Fooliana the fickle CHAP. 3. FOoliana the fickle is the Easter-most part of all Fooliana the great and next vnto Shee-landt Expect not here gentle reader any exact description hereof how I found it and how I left it I know thou shalt know as well as I but if you chance to go thether your selfe as many a fine Gentleman I can tell yee and men of good worship haue done within this few yeares and finde not the state as I describe it vnto you blame not any defect in me for their formes of gouernment are so dayly altered that one may describe yee the shape of Proteus or the colour of the Chamaelion or tell what wether it will bee to morrow sooner then giue you any true notice of their discipline The Portugales may brag of their trauels and discoueries let them do so but I durst venter a large wager that if it could be tried the ancient French-men did first discouer this country there are as yet so many monuments remaining that shew it both in the names of the townes their most ancient lawes and their chiefe coines Their grounds neuer cary any one certaine forme two yeares together that which is pasture this yeare shall bee arrable the next that which was all high mountaines this yeare shall be all carried away to fill vp dales withall the next Nay they turne the very course of their riuers also so that sometimes as Virgil saith Plaustra boues ducunt quà remis acta carina est The plough now teares that vp that whilom was A way for nothing but for boates to passe So do the inhabitants shut out their swelling riuers on one side they themselues raging at their forced stops carue themselues a new course out on the other sides They haue great store of magnificent cities but they change their fashion euery other day at the farthest The chiefe of which at my first comming thether was called Farfellia but ere I went away it was decreed by the whole body of the counsell that it should thence-forth bee called Butterflieux the whole frame of this city goeth all vpon wheeles may be drawne like a cart whether the councels pleasures is to haue it It is recorded to haue altered the situation a hundred times since the foundation thirty times it hath quite lost the former shape In the time that I was there it stood seated by the riuer of Water-lesse and was very shortly to
you shall as commonly see legges of men hang vp as here with vs you shall finde pestels of Porke or leggs of Veale Through this citty runs the riuer Furieuse with a course like a torrent which in winter they say will be exceeding hotte aboue your fountaines in frost and giueth vp vnwholesome fumes Hard by it stands the Dukes Pallace on the top of an exceeding high hill called Mount Scalpe and it is reported how it is growne to this height onely by the multitude of dead mens heads that haue beene throwne on an heape continually in this place The Dukes Pallace is built of brick very strong yet liueth hee in a continuall suspect of his subiects loyaltie and had rather trust his owne Iron gates then their glassie obedience Hee hath a guard of 10000. Hacksters who are ministers both to his furie and gluttony If any stranger come heere that knoweth not how all goeth he is presently seazed vpon his head presented to the Duke for picking meat at supper which hee holdeth more delicate and hunteth more after then euer did Vitellius after the Phoenicopters tongues or Lampreyes intrailes Hee likens a Negro to a Thrush and a white man to a Quaile but such as dye onely to doe his gutts seruice are farre better vsed then the rest for they as Olympias offered Euridice haue their choice what way they will dye whether being hangd or beheaded The most famous mount in all this Pallace is the Inquisition chappell they call it Saint Shambles dedicated vnto the powers infernall whose statues stand all therein in horrible figures wrought all with Ieatt and Corall and these doe they offer their orisons vnto Here might you behold all the sorts of deaths and tortures possibly to bee deuised Wheeles Iibbets Hatchets Halters Swords Clubbes and rusty Pistols so old that I dare passe my worde for the Chinians they will confesse that they had their first Gunnes from hence A thousand Altars are in this Chappell fuming with continuall sacrifices to the Deuill and the Duke offering the soule to appease the furie of the first and the body to satiate the couetousnesse of the later and for the bloud they haue a certaine Arte to keepe that from congelation and so caske it vp like Aligant for the Dukes owne weasand Through the middest of this chappell runneth a channell called Nastie and downe that they scowre all the filth of the bloud-stained pauement These men doe neuer goe but runne altogether and generally you shall not misse to take them all on a sweat But there are two strange things and worthy obseruation in this countrie the first is you shall not finde one man in this whole region but hee is either lame in body or deformed in face which the more scarres that it beares the more beauty it is held to adde vnto the bearer and the second is that a man of three score yeares old is here held for a miracle For it is more then extraordinary for any of them to attaine to the middle age of man they are flesht so young Neere to the heart of the countrie is a fenne called Full-gall as large and as famous as euer was the ancient Meotis now called Mar delle Sabacche The water of it is of a deepe yellow to the eye and most bitter to the taste it ouerfloweth the bounds very often but at no sett times and some-times drownes the most part of Cholerikoye that which it doth drowne the sulphurous nature of the water doth burne as Phaetons ill-guided waggon did the whole world and at these times do all the inhabitants bottle vp this water imagining that being drunke it annimateth their spirits vnto the most dangerous attempts But here I would not haue my reader too credulous for I haue this but by heare-say by my faith sir I durst not goe to see if it were true or no I rememberd that French-mans saying too wel Il faut menager la vie This part of Fooliana was too dangerous a region for me to trauell I staid at mine ease in Blockes-ford and held it better to take this relation vpon credence then to confirme it with mine owne experience Fooliana the fond CHAP. 6. THis part of Fooliana is both the largest and the most ancient of all the rest the inhabitants of it affirme themselues to haue been created in this country before any other part of the world was peopled so that is held the mother of all nations as Blocks-ford is of citties It lieth in the very middest of all the rest as the nauell of this goodly body On the South it hath Fooliana the craggy on the East the Fickle on the West the Deuoute and on the North the Fatt The south part of it is called Cocks-combaya peopled with slouthfull flegmatique inhabitants but the northren part therof is possessed by more industrious and actiue spirits Had I not beheld the strange behauiours of this stupid sort of people with mine eyes I should neuer haue beleeued that nature had bestowed so diuine a gift as reason vpon such brutish creatures For all those that border vpon Fooliana the craggie goe directly like beasts vpon all foure nor doe they know silly things any other way of going There is no house in all this part of the country because the inhabitants neither can build any them-selues nor dare aduenture to come into any that are built by others least they should fall vpon their heads There are euery yeare great multitudes of them starued and stormed to death in that they can neither make ready their meate nor frame themselues apparell nor beds nay they can scarcely speake true sence not a man of them that knowes his owne father nor his owne sonne nor wife nor how to returne the same way he came nor how to distinguish a Beare from a Sheepe or a Lion from a whelpe Nay you haue of them that cānot tel whether they should put their meate in at their mouth at the nosthrils at their eares or at some other more vnseasonable hold finally to be briefe imagine but that you saw a Camane Asse in an humaine shape and such an one is a true Cockscombayan Of Asse-sex Sect. 2. ASse-sex the Northerne part of Fooliana the fond is some-what better furnished with wit and worthier of a trauellers presence and obseruation The people hold themselues wonderful wise and professe the search of natures most abstruse effects neuer leauing till they haue drawne one reason or other from the very depth of inuestigation They haue but one eye a peece They are not borne so but the parents at the childs birth plucks out the other as being of no vse in nature in that when the one eye is shut the other hath a more strong facultie to discerne Part of this nation go all naked to auoid the labour of putting on off part of them haue houses but with out either dores or walls that the fresh aire may haue
and when they rise from their fall can no way complaine of any iniustice but haue vnder gone the ancient law of the whole Marquisate Those of this countrie that haue any sonnes assigne them their full patrimonie ere nature allow them any bearde and in case they die before this time they leaue all their estate vnto their wiues to dispose as they list afterwards without any respect of progenie But if they haue the fortune to burie their wiues then doe they lauish out more vpon their funeralls then would serue for a dowrie vnto the fowlest of their daughters Sect. 6. BEtweene this Marquisate and Fooliana the fatte lieth another nation called Clawback-ourt peopled with the strangest monsters that euer man beheld They beare euery one two faces and speake with two tongues carrying the shapes of Apes vpon their formost partes and all behinde of Dogges so that they seeme to bee a confused composition of Man Ape and Dogge That there are such monsters let reuerend Munster serue as a testimonie who describeth certaine Indian people that are partly thus formed This Nation it seemes is borne to seruitude the greatest part of them doe make themselues voluntarie slaues vnto the Magnificoes of Fooliana the fatte which borders vpon their countrie And albeit they bee so sottish that of their owne heads they can enterprise nothing praise-worthie Yet can they imitate and counterfeite any action they see done before them the world has not the like for forging such exact resemblances They neuer weare attire neuer speake word neuer doe deed but they see or heare the like before they goe about it Whilest I was there they halted all vpod one legge and went spitting and spawling all the daie longe because that Signior Tickle-eare their gouernor of late had hurt his foote and with all was troubled with an olde pockie Catarrhe They are most of them Barbers Taylers Pandars procurers There are also by report some gallant courtiers amongst them But how so euer your Spanish Mimike is a meere ninnihammer vnto these Clawbakc-ourtiers take them as generally as you can Speake but or looke but vpon one of them and yee shall presently haue him kisse his hand cringe in the hamme lick his two yeards of dust and with a laborious Congee like an Eccho bandy the last word you spake all the roome about and with an applauding fleere returne vppon you with all the gratious termes his gorge can possibly vent together with an whole Heralds office of Titles and top-heauie Exellentiaes and then putting his lips together with another Bascio dalli mani stand houering at your next speach to heare how his last stood to your liking Then do but you approue him and talke on and whatsoeuer you say bee it scarcely sence shall into his tables as a more then humaine conceit as a very oracle Then will hee-stand with his eye fixt on the skyes and adore you as a drunkard doth Bacchus vpon all foure They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choise to serue and him they obserue with more prayers sacrifices and adorations then any Idol would exact Now all this they do with one of their mouthes onely marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth but the other their dogges mouth doth forth-with secretly retract and disclaime And thus much for their conditions The first Cittie in this Region is called Tutto-lodanie of faire and sight affecting structure but so slightlye built that there is no hope it should continue it is much enriched by the trafficke which it hath by the meanes of the riuer of Fiction and againe verye much endamaged by the same riuer through often and seuerall inundations Neere vnto this towne standeth a village called Tongue-walke the inhabitants whereof are neuer well but when they are talking This village stands at the foote of a mountaine that rises along as farre as Tickling-streete another famous borough where the townes-men keepe themselues continually employed in chasing of laughters Close vnto this lyeth that pleasant valley called Soothing-dale at the farther end whereof there is a Marish called Scoffe-stowe Fenne which reacheth downe along as farre as Shame-stead a towne of infamous note whether they vse to bannish all their Wizards and all those whome they call Bashfull-apians Of Fooliana the fatte CHAP. 7. THIS Region compared eyther for wealth or pleasure with all the Regions of this Southerne continent exceeds them all and were it as wealthy as it maketh shew of I make a great question whether the whole Northren worlde could finde a countrey to parallell it but indeede the people thereof doe generallye faigne to haue what they haue not and to amplifie by their braues that which they haue indeed There is a double ledge of Mountaines extended some sixtie Germaine miles in length on either side betweene which lieth a plaine full as iong and this is Fooliana the fatte through which the riuer of Sound a goodly current hath his course almost encircling the whole plaine The reader may soone conceiue what a goodly ranke of Cities are seated on the Mountaines sides hauing the prospect ouer such a fertile plaine so delicately watred and diuided into such a many cantons all fraught with fatte pastures and spacious champians The neatnesse of the Cities in this tracte excells their number yet are they but of a slender manner of building though their outward formes promise all decorum yet when you are within you shall not finde ouer-much good order At the mouth of the passage through the Rhodomantadian Mountaines standeth the Citie Hydalgo otherwise called Braggadrill proudly built but beggerly stated and neare vnto this is Back-bitembourg a towne that may be mother to the dirty streetes of Paris By this towne is a Rock of incredible height and of as incredible note called Break-neck-cliffe not much different from the Peakes crag in England It is as broad at the top as at the bottome and yet so steepe that it beareth the former rather of a towre built by mans hand then any meere worke of nature And this Rocke is as famous for a place of execution here as euer the Tarpeian cliffe was in Rome On the other side of this famous hill hath the Cittie of Bawdesden hir seate this towne hath beene oftener on fire then euer was olde Rome partly through the negligence of the Citizens and partly through the aptnesse to take fire that is in the Bitumen which they vse in their buildings in steed of Lime Adioyning vnto this is another Cittie called Punkes-nest built all of Flint and the hardest Cement that can be deuised And then a little further in towards the frontires of Idle-bergh lie those large mountaines commonly called Hollyday-Hills where the people keepe continuall reuells and sitt in iudgement vpon such as obserue any working-dayes two citties there are vpon these hills Gamesware and Merry-cum-twang and on the East side of these two the riuer of Sound falls
tissue embrodered with Rubies your cloth of gold doublet with the Carbuncle buttons or your Pearle poudred cassock I tissues Rubies Carbuncles cassockes Heyda my man 's an Endymion indeede now and will not change states with the man in the moone he for al his fulgid throne he sittes in Well ritch cloathes are brought him indeede euery man helps this braue King and as one saies Dant digitis gēmas dāt longe monilia collo His hāds with sparkling gems they deck And hang ritch chaines about his neck Set a diademe vpon his head adorned with Pearles of incredible greatnesse and lustree All this goes well still thinkes hee to himselfe Get dinner readie So sayd so done dinner was prepared and serued vp all in state such raritie of seruices such braue attendants such mirth and such melodie Pho nineteene muses cannot giue a man words to describe it And thus they spend the whole daie as time yee know will passe Still my fine King thinkes all his owne still Well night comes vp with supper and vp supper comes with as ritch nay ritcher purueyance attendance then waited on the dinner and for a conclusion to the feast my maiesticall King has the tother draught giuen him of the holy potion which presently locks vppe his sences in sleepe as profound as the former And then my poore twelue-houres King beeing as Virgill saies Iam simul expletus dapibus vinoque sepultus Gorgd with good cheere and wrapt in sleepy wine Is caried out at a posterne stript out of his tissues his Rubies and al his Gold-smiths worke and re-invested in his old cloathes made somewhat more sluttish then they were before and so laid out in the high way for passengers to gaze vpon where when hee awakes hee falls into as great amazement as before and remembring how glorious a blisse hee was enthroned in but yesterdaie and finding himselfe now vtterlie depriued of all hee falles a lamenting most extreamelie miserablie deploring and bitterlie cursing either his owne sloath that would not giue eare as shee had charged him to the Goddesses second call or his grosse ingratitude who being placed in so high a felicity neglected to pay the good goddesse her due tribute of thankefulnesse So away goes hee weeping and wayling with this word continually in his mouth Fuimus Troes I was whilome a braue man And exhorting all men to take example by him neuer to bee negligent neuer thankelesse but to proceede with heed and confidence and obey what the goddesse enioyned and then they could not faile of felicity Such had I once saith hee but now by mine owne onelie follie I haue lost it all euery part and parcell of my former greatnesse Now euerie one that heareth him thinkes this I hope to take better heede then so and they hood-winck themselues ere euer they come there Of Fooliana the Deuout CHAP. 8. VPon the westerne and part of the two Foolianaes the Fat and the Fond lieth Fooliana the Deuout a region fertile enough of it selfe but through the inhabitants negligence altogither vncultured For whereas it is diuided into two Prouinces Trust-fablia and Sectaryuoa the former beeing farre the larger of the two yet is it so wholie giuen ouer to a sort of rotten Ceremonies that the Inhabitants thereof are all of this opinion that one cannot doe God better seruice then in the vtter neglect of themselues There are good store of pretty Hamblets in this prouince there is Fragment surnamed the mouldy wonders-field and within a little of them Crepe-ham high crosse Cringing-beck and kissing-all-vp The borders of this nation are verie deserts to speake of and haue scarcelie any inhabitants some of the villages for some villages there are but very few as Lentestow right-maw Pilgrimes Inne and Scourge-nock are left almost vtterly desolate but that they are once a yeare at a set day visited by some Venetians otherwise their thresholds are worne by none but their owne countrimen And here I may not ommit one memorable worke erected vpon mount Bagnacauallo it is a goodly well contriued spittle both for largenesse and full furniture it beareth the name of the Hospitall of incurable Foolianders and was built at the publike charge of the whole countrie and therevpon is maintained The Proctor of it at my beeing there was one Garzoni an Italian a man of good prouidence and discretion and truelie hee hath desposed the almesmen in passing good methode and in decent order Hether haue diuers colonies beene sent out of all parts of Fooliana But for a truth the number of the monasteries in this country doe very nere exceed the number of the villages besides which there is nothing but scuruy sheddes worse then any Westphalian Inne nor is there any freeholder left in all this countrie the Cloisters haue got vp all the lands euery straw-bredth to make the deities the better cheere Foure sorts of buildings did I obserue in this soile Temples Monasteries Hospitalls and Cottages for all those that are not professed cloysterers are either slaues or beggers They are all of one religion mary they cannot tell of what but professe ignorance and neglect inquiry it is inough for them to follow their fore-fathers and to hold the places whilom belonging to Saints that is all they care for In their pace they make continuall crosses one thigh comming thwart another at euery step and so makes the forme of a crosse at euery foote of ground they passe And so likewise do they cary their armes folded in cross-like manner as if they were all in loues Melancholie They haue goodly Temples yet downe vpon their knees will they go in the plaine fieldes if they spy but any antique face vpon a stone or an old logge or so and then their beades which they beare vpon strings must needes rattle some two and fiftie times ouer There is more Gods belongs to this country then there is men Varroes nūber of the Romane gods was but halfe an vnite in respect of those They make them of stone wood and lome and some of them augment their deities number with adoration of horses hogges and hounds Euery daie giues life vnto a new deity and sometimes yee shall reckon two hundred made in one Temple vpon one day And here wee finde the olde Egiptian custome receiued that men whilest they liue are naught set by but dying they are entombed in honorable sepulture 800. pounds haue I seene bestowed at one funerall and none of the greatest mans neither In this land will I lay my bones and I doe here by will and testament charge mine heires to see me here entombed and pray that all those that doe either condemne or commend this my description beyond the desert bee sent as mourners to accompany my corps to the graue as likewise all such that shall hereafter bee guilty of immitation thereof But let vs forward with it At those obiects besides the tapers incenses bells and bables that attend the body as beneficiall