a man hates it also and does the contrary good is to be evil still because honesty without piety is but a body without a soul. All my Religion was either superstition or formality or hypocrisie I had a form of Godliness but denied the power thereof I often drew near unto God with my mouth and honoured him with my lips but my heart was far from him Isa. 25.13 Mark 7.2 to 14. Mat. 15.7 to 10. All which considered viz the means which God had afforded me and the little use I had made thereof left me in a far worse condition then the very Heathen that never heard of Christ. So that it was Gods unspeakable mercy that I am not at this present frying in Hell flames never to be freed God hath sent unto us all his servants the Prophets rising up early and they have been instant in preaching the Gospel both in season and out of season but my carnal heart hath ever been flint unto God wax unto Satan You shall die if you continue in the practise of sin I heard but you shall not die as saith the Devil I believed Sect. 15. Besides all this Suppose I had none of these to answer for neither sins of Commission nor sins of Omission yet Original sin were enough to damn me no need of any more and yet my actual transgressions have been such and so many and my ingratitude therein so great that it might have sunk me down with shame and left me hopeless of ever obtaining pardon for them As see but some small part of my monstrous and devilish ingratitude to so good a God so loving and merciful a Saviour and Redeemer that hath done and suffered so much for me even more than can either be expressed or conceived by any heart were it as deep as the Sea Touching what God and Christ hath done for me in the first place he gave me my self and all the creatures to serve for my use yea he created me after his own image in righteousness and holiness and in perfect knowledg of the truth with a power to stand and for ever to continue in a most blessed and happy condition But this was nothing in comparison for when I was in a sad-condition when I had forfeited all this and my self when by sin I had turned that image of God into the image of Satan and wilfully plunged my soul and body into Eternal torments when I was become his enemy mortally hating him and to my utmost fighting against him and taking part with his onely enemies Sin and Satan not having the least thought or desire of reconcilement but a perverse and obstinate will to resist all means tending thereunto he did redeem me not onely without asking but even against my will so making of me his cursed enemy a servant of a servant a son of a son an heir and coheir with Christ Gal. 4.7 But how have I required this so great so superlative a mercy All my recompence of Gods love unto me hath been to do that which he hates and to hate those whom he loves Christ the fountain of all good is my Lord by a manifold right and I his servant by all manner of obligations First he is my Lord by the right of creation as being his workmanship made by him Secondly by the right of Redemption being his purchase bought by him Thirdly of preservation being kept upheld and maintained by him Fourthly his by Vocation even of his Family having admitted me a member of his visible Church Fifthly his also had it not been my own fault by sanctification whereby to possess me Lastly he would have me of his Court by glorification that he might crown me so that I was every way his God had raised me from a beggar to a great estate But how did I requite him I would not if possible suffer a godly and conscientious minister to be chosen or to abide where I had to do but to bring in one that would flatter sin and flout holiness discourage the godly and incourage the wicked I used both my own and all my friends utmost ability Much more might be mentioned but I fear to be tedious Now argue with all the world and they will conclude that there is no vice like ingratitude But I have been more ungrateful to God than can be exprest by the best Oratour alive It was horrid ingratitude in the Jews to scourge and crucifie Christ who did them good every way for he healed their diseases fed their bodies enlightned their minds of God became man and lived miserably amongst them many years that he might save their souls but they fell short of my ingratitude to God in that most of them were not in the least convinced that he was the Messias sent from God and promised from the beginning But I have not onely denied this Lord that bought me but I hated him yea most spitefully and maliciously fought on Satans and Sins side against him and persecuted his children and the truth with all my might and all this against knowledg and conscience after some measure of illumination which cannot be affirmed of the Jews Yet miserable wretch that I was if I could have given him my body and soul they should have been saved by it but he were never the better for them Sect. 16. Lastly to tell you that which is more strange Notwithstanding all this that hath been mention'd and much more Yet I thought my self a good Christian forsooth yea with that young man in the Gospel I thought I had kept all the commandments Nor was I a whit troubled for sin either original or actual but my conscience was at quiet and I was at peace neither did any sin trouble me Yea I would applaud my self with that Pharisee Luke 18.9 to 15. and say I was not like other men not once doubting of my salvation I ever refused to do what my Maker commanded and yet confidently hoped to escape what he threatned Nor did I doubt of having Christ my Redeemer and Advocate in the next life when I had been a bitter enemy to him and his members in this life Here was blindness with a witness as it is not to be believed how blind blockish men are that have onely the flesh for their guide especially if they have hardned their hearts and feared their consciences with a customary sinning As I could give you for instance a large catalogue of rare Examples how sin hath besotted men and what stark fools carnal men are in spiritual things be they never so wise for mundane knowledg But least it should be taken for a digression or excursion you shall have a list of them by themselves the which I will add as an Appendix to this Discourse or Dialogue In the mean time I have given you a brief of my manifold provocations and great ingratitude to my Maker and Redeemer for otherwise I might be endless in the prosecution thereof It remains that I should
Eternity It faring with me as it did with those Jews Acts 2. when Peter by his searching Sermon had convinced them that Christ whom they had by wicked hands crucified and slain was the onely Son of God and Lord of glory verse 36 37. And having had the happiness to injoy the benefit of his sage advice as I stood in need thereof God having given him the tongue of the learned to administer a word in season to them that are weary Isa. 50.4 I bless God his word and spirit hath wrought in me such a change and strange alteration that it hath opened mine eyes that were blind before inclined my will to obedience which before was rebellious softned my heart sanctified and quite changed my affections so that I now love that good which before I hated and hate that evil which before I loved and am delighted with those holy exercises which heretofore did most displease me and am displeased with those vain pleasures and filthy sins which in times past did most delight me Which is such a mercy that no tongue is able to express for till that hour I went on in the broad way and worlds road to destruction without any mistrust whereas now God hath been pleased to take me into his kingdom of grace here will never leave me until he hath brought me to his kingdom of glory hereafter Loose Libertine What you speak makes me wonder for I ever held you the compleatest man of my acquaintance just in all your dealings temperate and civil in your deportment yea I have never seen you exceed in the least nor heard you swear an oath except faith and truth and that very rarely Besides you have been a good Protestant and gon to Church all your days Convert What you speak none that know me can contradict nor could they ever accuse me of any scandalous crime or unjust act Yea I had the same thoughts of my self and should any one have told me formerly that I was such a great sinner such a devil incarnate as I was I should have replied as Hazael did to the Prophet telling him of the abominable wickedness he would ere long commit What am I a dog c. 2 Kings 8.12 13. And no wonder for as every man in his natural condition is stark blind to spirituall objects 1 Cor. 2.14 so the heart of man is deceitful above all things even so deceitful that none but God alone can know it as the Prophet shews Jer. 17.10 But because this is a truth that transcends your belief and because it may be of singular use to you also to know the same I will give you a short character of my former condition the which done I doubt not but you will assent unto what I have hitherto said or shall further relate Sect. 11. First Touching my knowledge I mean saving knowledg without which the soul cannot be good as wise Solomon witnesseth Prov. 19.2 it was such though I thought my self wiser than to make scruple of or perplex my self about matters of Religion as do the religious even as the King of Tyrus thought himself wiser than Daniel Ezek. 28.3 that spiritual things were mostly represented to my understanding false and clean contrary to what they are indeed Like corporal things in a looking glass wherein those that are on the right hand seem to be on the left and those that are on the left hand seem to be on the right As it fared with St. Paul while he was in his natural condition Acts 26.9 which made me think and call evil good and good evil bitter sweet and sweet bitter to justifie the wicked and condemn the just as the Prophet complains Isa. 5.20 23. As for instance I most sottishly thought that I both loved and served God as I ought yea I should have taken it in foul scorn if any one had questioned the same when indeed I was a traytor to God and took up arms against all that did worship him in spirit and in truth I was so far from loving and serving him that I hated those that did it and that for their so doing I could also hear him blasphemed reproached and dishonoured without being once stirred or moved at it I loved him dearly but I could never afford to speak a word for him And likewise his Children entirely but instead of justifying them or speaking in their defence when I heard them scoft scorned and abused by wicked and ungodly men all my delight was to jear at slight and slander them wherever I came I more feared the Magistrate than I feared God and more regarded the blasts of mens breath then the fire of Gods wrath I chose rather to disobey God than to displease great ones and feared more the worlds scorns than his anger And the like of Christ that died for me a strong argument that I loved Christ when I hated all that resembled him in holiness Yea I so hated holiness that I most bitterly hated men for being holy insomuch that my blood would rise at the sight of a good man as some stomacks will rise at the sight of sweet-meats I was a Christian in name but I could scoff at a Christian indeed I could honour the dead Saints in a formal profession while I worried the living Saints in a cruel persecution I condemned all for Roundheads that had more religion than a Heathen or knowledg of Heavenly things than a child in the womb hath of the things of this life or Conscience than an Atheist or care of his soul than a Beast I had alwaies the basest thoughts of the best men making ill constructions of whatsoever they did or spake as the Scribes and Pharisees dealt by our Saviour Sect. 12. As O what a poor slave did I hold the man of a tender conscience to be Yea how did I applaud my self for being zealless and fearless together with my great discretion and moderation when I saw this man vexed for his zeal that other hated for his knowledg a third persecuted for the profession of his Faith c. For being like Cain Ishmael Eliah Michel Pharaoh and Festus I thought their Religion Puritanism their conscience of sin hypocrisie their profession dissimulation their prudence policy their faith and confidence presumption their zeal of Gods glory to be pride and malice their obedience to Gods laws rebellion to Princes their execution of justice cruelty c. If they were any thing devout or forward to admonish others that so they might pluck them out of the fire I conceived them to be beside themselves as our Saviour was thought to be by his Kinsfolk and St. Paul by Festus Mark 3.21 John 10.20 Acts 26.24 1 Cor. 1.18 My religion was to oppose the power of religion and my knowledge of the truth to know how to argue against the truth I never affected Christs Ambassadours that preached the glad tidings of salvation but had a spleen against them yea I hated a Minister for being
a Minister especially if a godly and zealous one that spake home to my conscience and told me of my sins much more if he would not admit me to the Lords Table without trial and examination yea then like Ahab to Eliah I became his enemy and hated him ever after would impeach his credit and detain from him his dues And are not all these strong evidences that I loved and served God and my Redeemer as I ought But to make it more manifest what a rare Christian I was I thought my self a Believer yea I could boast of a strong Faith when yet I fell short of the very Devils in believing for they believe the threats and judgments contained in the Word and tremble thereat James 2.19 Whereas I thought them but Scare-crows to fright the simple withal yea I held Hell it self but a fancy not worth the fearing Because I was not notoriously wicked but had a form of godliness was civil c I was able to delude my own soul and put off all reproofs and threatnings by comparing my self with those that I presumed were worse than my self as Drunkards Adulterers Blasphemers Oppressors shedders of blood and the like counting none wicked but such Yea looking upon these I admired my own holiness and thought my moral honesty would be sufficient to save me Nor did I know wherein I had offended And whereas the Law is spiritual and binds the heart from affecting no less than the hand from acting I was so blind and ignorant that I thought the Commandment was not broken if the outward gross sin be forborn Whence these were my thoughts I never brake the first Commandment of having many gods for I was no Papist nor Idolater nor the second for I worshipped God aright Nor the third for I had been no common swearer only a few petty oaths Nor the fourth for I had every Sabbath gone duly to Church Nor the fifth for I ever honoured my parents have been a loyal subject Nor the sixth seventh eighth ninth or tenth for I never committed murder or adultery never stole ought never bare false witness nor could I call to mind that I had at any time coveted my neighbours wife servant estate c. And nothing more common with me than to brag of a good heart and meaning of the strength of my faith and hope of my just and upright dealing c. And because I abstained from notorious sins I thought my self an excellent Christian if God was not beholding to me for not wounding his Name with Oaths for not drinking playing out his sabbaths for not railing on his ministers for not oppressing persecuting his poor members c. Sect. 13. And yet had it been so as I imagined Admit I had never offended in the least all my life either in thought word or deed yet this were but one half of what I owe to God this were but to observe the negative part of his law still the affirmative part thereof I had been so far from performing that I had not so much as thought of it And to be just in the sight of God and graciously accepted of him these two things are required the satisfactory part to escape hell and the meritorious part to get heaven And the true method of grace is Cease to do evil learn to do well Isa. 1.16 17. The Fig tree was cursed not for bearing evil fruit but because it bare no good The evil servant was not bound hand and foot and cast into prison for wasting his masters goods but for not gaining with them And those reprobates at the last day shall be bid depart into everlasting fire not for wronging or robbing of any but for not giving for not comforting Christs poor members Mat. 25. So that my case was most desperate For though with that Pharisee Luk. 18.11 I was apt to thank God and brag that I was just and paid every man his due yet I never thought of being holy and of paying God his dues as his due of believing or repenting of new obedience his due of praying hearing conferring meditating on his word and works sanctifying his sabbaths and instructing my children servants teaching them to fear the Lord. His due of love fear thankfulness zeal for his glory charity and mercy to Christs poor Members and the like I should have serv'd God in spirit according to Christs Gospel as all that are wise hearted indeavour go live believe hear and invocate and hope and fear and love and worship God in such manner as his word prescribes I should have been effectually called and become a new creature by regeneration being begotten and born anew by the immortal seed of the word I should have found an apparent change wrought in my judgment affections and actions to what they were formerly The Old man should have changed with the New-man Worldly wisdom with Heavenly wisdom carnal love with spiritual love servile fear for Christian and Filial fear idle thoughts for holy thoughts vain words for holy and wholsom words fleshly works for works of righteousness even hating what I formerly loved and loving what I formerly hated But alas I have heard the Gospel day after day and year after year which is the strong arm of the Lord and the mighty power of God to salvation That is quick and powerful and sharper than any two Edged sword and yet stood it out and resisted instead of submitting to Christs call even refusing the free offer of Grace and Salvation I have heard the Word faithfully and powerfully preached for forty years yet remained in my natural condition unregenerate without which new birth there is no being saved as our Saviour affirms John 3.5 I had not trodden one step in the way to conversion for the first part of conversion is to love them that love God 1 John 3.10 11 14. I should daily have grown in grace and in the knowledg of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but I was so far from growing in grace that I had not one spark of grace or holiness without which no man shall see the Lord Heb. 12.14 I was all for observing the second Table without respect to the first or all for outward conformity not at all for spiritual and inward holiness of the heart Sect. 14. Either what I did was not morally good for the matter or not well done for the manner nor to any right ends as out of duty and thankfulness to God and my Redeemer and out of love to my fellow members Without which the most glorious performances and the rarest vertues are but shining sins or beautiful abominations Gods glory was not my principal end nor to be saved my greatest care I was a good civil moral honest hypocrite or infidel but none of these graces grew in the garden of my heart I did not shine out as a light by a holy conversation to glorifie God and win others Now onely to refrain evil except