runs on wheeles or that the sea May be drunke off by a shole of Whales such things You know there are in nature Hold. O far stranger Thoro. Peace you booke-worme Fit only to devour more paper then A thousand grand tobacco men or a legion Of boyes in pellets to their elderne gunnes Dost thinke to live this life still you 're not now Amongst your eues at Cambridge but in London Come up to see your mistris beautious Clare The glory of the city goe and court her As does become a gentleman of carriage Without your Tropes and figures Inkehorne termes Fit only for a Mountebanke or Pedant Or all your Physickes Metaphysickes and Meteors Tomes larger farre and more repleate with lies Then Surius Gallo-Belgcus or the welsh Bard Geffrey Monmouth shal be straight-way made Pitifull Martyrs Hold. Why cosen I had thought Thoro. Thy selfe an errant ideot that 's the fittest Thought for thy braine more dull then a fat Burgers Or reverend countrey justices whose wit Lies in his spruce clearkes standish thou wert begot Surely i th' wane o th' Moone when natures tooles Were at lame Vulcans forge a sharpening thou art so lumpish Trist. He has already spoyld His eyes with prying on Geneva prints And small dutch Characters his watching makes him Looke like a grand-child of old Errapaters Some leane Astronomer who to get ten shillings For that 's a large price for an Almanacke Has wasted himselfe to the bignesse of his Iacobs staffe Which is so limber 't cannot stand to take height of Venus rising Thoro. He sayes truth besides your study has attain'd already Learning enough to informe your minde the knowledge Of arts fit for a gentleman wert not better For you my sprightfull senior to advance Your bever with a hatband of the last Edition in the Court among the noblest Youthes of our nation then to walke like Faustus Or some high German conjurer in a cap Fit for a Coster-monger to weare your purle Or cut worke band then this small slip of linning That 's proper only for Tom Thum or some of queen Mabs gentlemen-ushers Trist. This Cassocke were a pretty garment for a fortuneteller Thoro And this cloake of tinder comely for a ballad-seller Life sir you are borne here to an ample fortune Your father absent knowes not how you 've altered Your disposition I must reclayme it Thou shalt with me and court the beauteous Clare Reserv'd for thee a purpose i th' meane time Our chiefe companions shall be wits more pure Then your quicke sophisters or slie logicians Wee 'l talke of the bright beauties of the age Girles whose each looke deserves to be a theme For all the nimble poets two dayes practise In our brave arts will teach thee to forget Philosophy as fruitlesse and abjure All other Ethicks but what 's usd mongst us as most erronious Hold. Well You shall perswade me I le be an errant asse or any thing For thy sake coz but shall we have such wenches As are at Cambridge hansome as peg Larkin Thoro. O farre before her cosen thou shalt read Aretius Politicks and Ovids Art Shall be new read thee and wee will refine Thy Academicke wit with bowles of wine Hold. Tristram shall toth ' Colledge and sell my bookes immediately Thoro. Speake like the son of Phoebus and my cosen Trist. My studious master Thoro. Sell thy Dictionary Hold. I le not keepe a prayer booke Thoro. They are out of fashion Hold. Nor a Calender to looke the age o th' Moone in Trist be sure You burne Greens groats worth of wit I scorne to keepe The name of wit about me Trist. T is confest sir but for the numerous Rhemes of paper which Are pil'd up in your study give them mee I have a brother in law i th' towne 's a cooke I le give them him to put under his bake meates Hold. Take them I will not leave a pen within my lodging I will forget to write or set my hand to any thing Thoro. Unlesse 't be to a bond Hold. I le goe put this blest designe in execution Cosen anon I le meet you at your chamber Thoro. What in that reverend shape the gentlemen That I converse with will believe thee some Itinerant Scholler have thee whipt by th' statute Hold. I would be loath now I am past a fresh man to bee had into the buttries Thoro. Still them termes study to forget them I le send my Man to you with a new suite of mine I never wore yet Be sure to put it on right you mere Schollers Know no degree of garment above Serge Or Satanisco tie your band-strings neatly And doe not eat the buttons off put not Your Cuffs both on one hand t will tax your judgement Of new inventing fashions when accoustred Come to my chamber and I le furnish you With language fit to accost your mistris Hold. Rare I 've got more learning from him in halfe an houre Then in a whole lifes practise out of bookes Follow me Tristram farewell deare cosen Ex. Hold Trist. Thoro. How I could laugh now were my spleen large enough a Hundred such lame stupid Ideots were enough if marry'd To precise Burgers daughters to replenish The city with a race of fooles and root The stocke of knaves quite out of it he loves books Not that he has a scruple more of learning Then will suffice him to say grace but like Some piteous cowards who are oft thought valiant For keeping store of weapons in their chambers He loves to be esteem'd a doctor by His volumnes but I shall fit his schollership whos 's these Alderman Covets Formall by th' proportion Ent. Formal and Clare That rib of mans flesh should be Clare dost heare My honest Cadis garters who for care And close attendance on thy charge deserves To be grand porter to the great Turkes Seraglia how hight that vayl'd damsell Form She has been at Brittains burse a buying pins needle To worke a night-cap for my master sir Thor. Pox upon him is not her name Clare niece to Alderman Covets For. Her father was a country Squire of large revenew and her mother Thoro. I shall be forc'd to heare him blaze her pedigree I de beat him but that clubs and paring shovells o th' city Would be so busie about my eares they 'd spoyle My hearing two months after Gentle Lady Pardon my error if I doe mistake are not you mistris Clare Clar. Formall at last would have resolv'd you and I held my Peace of purpose cause I knew his slow discovery would vex Your nimble patience Tho. You are a Gipsie but does thy unkles humour hold of wedding His daughter to sir Timothy Clar. Yes or to young monsieur Holdfast whom he sayes is Learned enough to make Cheap-side a Colledge And all the City a new Academy but have you Thorowgood perform'd what I advis'd you to Thoro. Yes my girle good Formall use thy motion to convay Thy ears a little farther off there
's mony To buy thee a new payre of garters Clare Thou shalt no more behold me in the garbe And noble ornament I us'd to weare my fashion shall be altred Clar. To the scholars Young Holdfasts likenesse Thoro. O by all meanes girle thou shalt behold this comely hat transform'd To frugall brim and steeple crowne this band Of faire extent chang'd to a moderne cut Narrower then a precisians all this gay And gawdy silke I will convert to Serge Of limber length like some spruce student newly Exalted for saying grace well to be fellow o th' Colledge he had studied I will Salute thy reverent Uncles spectacles And without feare of his gold chaine I le woe thee In metaphores and tropes Scholastick till The doting Senator with a liberall hand give Thee his dainty darling to become my spouse inseparable Clar. This suites well with my directions Thoro. True girle true farewell Clare I kisse thy white hand Sir resume your charge I 've done my errand let not your old Sir Amiar Know of this conference if you doe that twist Of spinners thred on which your life depends Exe. Clare Formall Shall be shorne off like a horse mane Farewell Form Mans life indeed is but a thred good day sir Ent. Valentine Sir Timothy Thor. Attend your charge friend Valentine Sir Timothy You 'r well incountred may I inquire the affaire Which happily has brought you up toth ' City Thoro. May I know it is 't not to purchase a Monopoly For Salt and Herrings for state businesse Unlesse it be to see the great new ship Or Lincolns Inne fields built I 'me sure you none here Tim. Very right sir Thor. But for thee my noble man of merit thou art welcome Wee l be as kind to one another boy And witty as brisque poets in their wine Wee l court the blacke browd beauties of the time And have by them the height of our desires with ease accomplished Val. Noble Thorowgood Did I not owne you by the name of friend Already these indearments would ingage me to beg that title Tim. Very right and me too I know you for the most Egregious knight In all the country Thor. You sir you 've reason Tim. Very right I am indeed esteem'd so Thor. One that live on Onions and Corne-sallets Tim. Right agen Sure he can conjure I had one to my breakefast Thor. Nay no Herald Can better blase your pedigree I 've heard Your father my most worthy knight was one That died a knave to leave you so Tim. Passing right still Thor. And pray right witty and right honor'd sir What may your businesse seeme to be i th' city Are you come up to learne new fashions Tim. Exceeding right agen Thor. To change this ancient garment to a new one Of a more spruce edition Val. Yes but before For I am privie unto all 's intentions He means to see and court his mistris Thor. Who 's that my doughty Impe of spur and sword Some faire Dulcina de Toboso Val. No t is Grace daughter to Alderman Covet Thor. I doe commend thee my deare Don and will Be thy assistant goe and see thy horse drest And then approach my chamber Tim. Very right I kisse your fingers end Ex. Timothy Thor. Doe you Valentine know The Lady he intends to Court Val. Onely by report Which speakes her most accomplish'd Thor. Oh she 'll make An excellent Asse of him she has a wit More sharpe and piercing than a Waspes sting she speaks All fire each word is able to burne up A thousand such poore Mushromes had her mother Not beene held honest I should have believ'd She 'd bin some Courtiers By-blow or that some Quicke Poet got her Val. How 's her feature Thor. Rare past expression singular her eyes The very sphears of love her cheeks his throne Her lips his paradise and then her minde Js farre more excellent than her shape Val. You give her a brave Character is 't possible To have a sight of her Tho. Yes by my means scarce otherwise wilt thou have her Speake but a syllable 't shall be perform'd As sure as if Don Hymen in his robes Had ratifi'd the contract Val. You are merry sir Thor. When didst thou know me otherwise yet now In sober sadnesse friend couldst thou affect A woman as there 's few of them worth loving Thou canst not make a nobler choise I le bring thee On to the skirmish but if thou retreat Beat backe by th' hot Artillery of her wit Which will play fast upon thee maist thou live To be enamour'd on some stale Hay or Matron Of fourescore that may congeale thee to a frost Sooner than forty winters or be wed To an insatiat Chamber-maid Val. Defend me From thy last curse feare not my valour Thor. This foole shall serve both her and us for sport Le ts to our taske and if our project hit I le sweare all fortune is compris'd in wit Exeunt Explicit Actus primus Actus secundus Scena prima Covet Clara Maudlin Cov. YOu will provoke me Clar. No matter Although you be my uncle and so nature Binds me to observe you I le not be oblig'd To what the phlegmaticke humour of your age Strives to enforce upon me I was borne Free an inheritresse to an ample fortune Of which you doe pervert the use and trust me I le be no longer tame and suffer it Cov. Suffer what you 're us'd Too well if you complaine of this I shall Study to be more harsh Clar. Doe you shall not as you had wont Thinke to attire me in blacke Grogram Daub'd o're with Sattin lace as if I were Daughter and heire apparent to a Tayler Who from the holiday Gownes of sixe neat fish-wives Had stole the remnants made the thrifty garment Nor shal you sir as t is a frequent custome Cause you 're a worthy Alderman of a Ward Feed me with Custard and perpetuall White-broth Sent from the Lord Majors or the Shriefes feast And here preserv'd ten dayes as t were in pickle Till a new dinner from the common hall Supply the large defect Cov. You 'll leave this language Clar. Leave to use me so then Y 'ave made my selfe your daughter and my woman Sup with a penyworth of Lettice under Pretence 't would make us sleep well your full morsells Had not the vertue of Clay wall and Oatmeale Preserv'd my maid ere this she 'd bin shrunk up Toth ' bignesse of a Squirrill Maud. Any Dwarfe might without stretching his small fingers have Spand me about the waste Clar. Nor shall you As sure t is your intention marry me To th' quondam fore-man of your shop exalted To be your Cash-keeper a limber fellow Fit onely for deare Nan his schoole-fellow A Grocers daughter borne in Bread-street with Whom he has used to goe to Pimblico And spend ten groats in Cakes and Christian Ale And by the way has courted her with fragments Stoln from the learned Legends of Knights
WIT IN A Constable A Comedy written 1639 The Author HENRY GLAPTHORNE And now Printed as it was lately Acted at the Cock-pit in Drury lane by their Majesties Servants with good allowance LONDON Printed by Io. Okes for F. C. and are to be sold at his shops in Kings-street at the signe of the Goat and in Westminster Hall 1640 To the Right Honourable his singular good Lord THOMAS LORD WENTWORTH My LORD SO many are the noble attributes inherent to your Heroicke Nature that 't is difficult to distinguish whither they be divers or one intire virtue but impossible to define which ought to be accounted the Superlative in so perfect a Harmony to ascribe to one more then to another were to derogate from the justice of either I cannot therefore proclaime 't was any particular but your generall Goodnesse which has imboldn'd me to intrude this Poem on the Patronage of your Name as honourable in vertue as in Greatnesse nor shall I tender any excuse for the presumption since I am assured your Lordship cannot conceive an anger from the true devotion of Your humblest honourer Hen Glapthorne The PROLOGUE YOu need not feare me Gentlemen although I come thus arm'd t is but to let you know I am in office in my owne defence And to secure me from the violence Which might from you who now my Iudges sit Be off'red to this Trophee of my wit And cause I know that you will obay Authority I doe charge you like the Play Thinke who I am how often I may catch You at ill houres in Tavernes or i th' Watch In Fraies sometimes nay sometimes not to trench Too much upon you with a pretty wench All this is possible and Gentlemen Consider how my rage will use you then If you should now as sure t is worth your feare Be in the censure of my wit seuere Vext I ' me implacable and though the Tribe Of Constables doe us 't I le take no bribe To let you passe These sturdy knaves will take Not the least mercy on you for my sake Nor will the Iustice free you to your smart You 'le find he and his Clarke will take my part I can but gently warne you to prevent A danger nay a certaine punishment Should you dislike for if the Play doe fall Vnder your votes I le apprehend you all EPILOGUE ARe you resolv'd yet Gentlemen I am In earnest haste of Towne-affaires and came To know your minds how 's that there 's one I spye That will dislike to th' Counter instantly With him intreats Sir shall not prevaile Nor shall you thinke to come out upon baile For in this case believe it I 'de not spare Though the sword were borne before him my Lord Major Nor should the Court of Aldermen reprieve For such a fact my good friend Master Shreive If so severe to them then who by vow Are my owne bretheren what will become of you I have consider'd and will now commit To your free votes the Censures of my wit For though their dulnesse whom I 've threatned may Dislike you 'ave wit and will allow the play The Persons in the Play Thorow good a young Gentleman sutor to Clare Valentine his friend a sutor to Grace Knowell their friend Sir Timothy Shallowit a Country Knight Sir Geffery Hold-fast a Knight of Epping Jeremy Hold-fast his Sonne Alderman Covet Busie a Linnen Draper the Constable Tristram servant to Jeremy Hold-fast Formal servant to Alderman Covet A Parson Foure watch-men Clare neece to Alderman Covet Grace his Daughter Maudlin servant to Clare Nel daughters to Busie Fidlers boy Drawer Attendants The Scene London VVit in a Constable Actus primus Scena prima Enter Holdfast Tristram Holdfast Did you ere we departed from the Colledge Orelooke my library Trist. Yes sir I spent two dayes in sorting Poets from Historians As many nights in placing the divines On their owne chayres I meane their shelves and then In separating Philosophers from those people That kill men with a license your Physitians Cost me a whole dayes labour and I finde sir Although you tell me learning is immortall The paper and the parchment t is contayn'd in Savors of much mortality Hold. I hope my bookes are all in health Trict. In the same case the Mothes have left them who have eaten more Authenticke learning then would richly furnish A hundred country pedants yet the wormes Are not one letter wiser Hold. I have beene idle Since I came up from Cambridge goe to my stationer And bid him send me Swarez Metaphysickes Tolet de anima is new forth So are Granadus commentaries on Primum secundae Thomae Aquinatis Get me the Lyricke Poets And Trist. I admire How he retaines these Authors names of which He understands no sillable 't were better I bought the Authenticke Legend of Sir Bevis Some six new Ballads and the famous Poems Writ by the learned waterman Hold. Iohn Taylor get me his nonsense Trist. You meane all his workes sir Hold. And a hundred of Bookers new Almanacks Trist. And the divell to boot Your fathers bookes in which he keeps th accounts Of all his coyne will scarce yield crowns to afford Your fancy volums why you have already Enough to furnish a new Vatican A hundred country pedants can read dictats To their young pupills out of Setons logicke Or Golius Ethicks and make them arrive Proficients learn'd enough in one bare twelmonth To instruct the parish they were borne in you Out of an itch to this same foolish learning Bestow more money yearely upon bookes Then would for convert sisters build an almes-house Hold. You will displease my patience Tristram Trist. I speake truth if you shud want your learning scarce would make you Capable of being town Cleark or at best To be a famous Tyrant unto boyes And weare out birch upon them or perchance you may arrive to be the City Poet And find the little moysture of your braine To grace a Lord Maiors festivall with showes Alluding to his trade or to the company Of which he 's free these are the best preferments That can attend your learning Hold. I say Tristram the spirit of my learning stirs me up To give thee due correction Trist. Would you study as does young Thorowgood your noble Cosen Not bookes but men which are true living volums You would like him be held rich i th' esteeme Of all the illustrious wits that decke the city When the extent of your admirers is Confinde to fresh men and such youths as only Know how to frame a syllogisme in Darij And make the ignorant believe by Logicke The Moones made of a Holland Cheese and the man in 't A swagbellied Dutch Burger Intras Thorowgood Thoro. Cosen Holdfast a good day attend Thy learned piamater prithee tell me How doe the Cabalists and antient Rabbins And thou agree will they be sociable And drinke their mornings draught of Helicon With thee have they instructed you to prove yet That the world
Daughter both come hither Thor. One at once sir T will satisfie the Canon does prohibit Us Polygamy Enter Clara Gray Cov. Sir this is my onely daughter this my neece Pray know them better Thor. Faire types nay Orbs of beauty J salute you Each in his proper altitude Graie Heyday this is some Fortune-teller Clare T is Thorowgood you must not seeme to know him Cov. Daughter and Neece this is a gentleman My care has pick'd out as a most fit husband For one of you which he can soonest fancy Heare him but speake and he will put you downe Ten Universities and Jnnes of Court Jn twentie sillables Good Mr. Holdfast Speake learnedly to th' wenches though J say 't They have both good capacities Thor. Most rubicund stelliferous splendant Ladyes The ocular faculties by which the beames Of love are darted into every soule Or humane essence have into my breast Convey'd this Ladies lustre and J can Admire no other object therefore beauty Your pardon if J onely doe addresse In termes Scholasticke and in Metaphors My phrase to her Graie J shall not Envy my Cosens happinesse Thor. Y' are full of Candor Jf you will love me Lady I le approach your eares Not in a garbe Domesticke or termes vulgar But hourely change my language court you now In the Chaldean or Arabicke tongues Expound the Talmud to you and the Rabbines Then read the Dialect of the Alanits Or Ezion Gebor which the people use Five leagues beyond the Sun-rising in stead Of pages to attend you I will bring Sects of Philosophers and queint Logicians Wee l Procreat by learned art and I Will generate new broods of Schollers on you Which shall defend opinions far more various Then all the Sectaries of Amsterdam Have ever vented Covet Learned learned young man How happy am I in thee Thor. Doe but love I le call the Muses from the sacred hill To Enucleat your beauty I my selfe After in loftier numbers I have sung Your fam'd Encomiums will convert to poet And for your sake I le write the city annals In famous meter which shall far surpasse Sir Guy of Warwickes history or Iohn Stows upon The custard with the foure and twenty Nooks At my Lord Majors feast Cov. How am I ravisht Thor. Whose brave show hereafter Shall be no more set forth with stalking pageants Nor children ride for angels nor lowd actors Pronounce bold speeches I will teach his Henehboyes Serjeants and trumpeters to act and save The city all that charges Nay I le make a new Found engin which without fire shall keepe his Whitebroath warm til his return from Westminster Nor shall the Aldermens daughters who have Dreamt at least six nights before of guilded Marchpane forfeit their serious longing I le have Horses with their Saint Georges on them that shall gallop Into their handkerchers Clar. You promise wonders Covet Hold your tongue hee s able To performe more by 's learning Thor. The crosse And standerd in Cheapeside I will convert To Hercules pillars and the little conduit That weepes in lamentation for the Church Remov'd that did leane on it shall be still Like the great tun at Heidleberge fild with wine And alwayes running that the prentises Shall not on Sundayes need to frequent Tauerns And forfeit their indentures Covet Still more miraculous Thor. The great conduit Shall be a magazin of sacke and Smithfield A Romish Cirque or Grecian Hippodrom My Lord Maiors gennet shall not die without An Elegy nor any cittizen breake But have a dolefull ditty writ upon him Val. Save you gentlemen Covet Noble sir Timothy and your friend both Welcome this is my neice that my daughter pray Be pleas'd to know them Sir honor me to walke I 'de have some private conference with you The house sir Timothy is at your command Grace Cosen what would these gentlemen Clare Truth I know not I le venture my discretion to his nose there And that appeares a rich one they are two Country Ideots whom thy father would Put upon us for husbands Grace Very likely Pray gentlemen your businesse Tim. Speak for me Valentine Val. Ladies wee 'r come to see you fame does give You the attribute of faire and witty Clare Yet our wits you see sir will not serve to keepe Fooles from our company Tim. Very right yfaith Val. That tartnesse Becomes you prettily and might serve to fright Young linnen-drapers or some millaner That does with gloves and bracelets stolne from 's Master court you a haberdasher would have shak'd His blocke-head as if he had beene trying a Dutch Felt out and with a shrug departed but we are Gentlemen Ladies and no city foremen That never dare be ventrous on a beauty Unlesse when wenches take them up at playes To intice them at the next licentious Taverne To spend a supper on them we are creatures Deserve you at your best and noblest value And so expect you 'l use us Tim. Very right this is A countrey gentleman my neighbor I A trusty and coragious country knight Clare I doe believe you sir your face does tel me You 'r one that feed on bacon and bagpudding Your nose by its complexion does betray Your frequent drinking country Ale with lant in 't Have you no hobnayls in your boots driven in To save the precious leather from the stones That pave the streets of London Grace Is not sir your Cloake new turn'd the aged three pil'd velvet Was not your grandams peticote this jerkin Made by your grandsire at his first translation From Clowne to Gentleman and since reserv'd An heire long to the family and this sword The parish weapon Tim. Very right agen Clare Now for you sir Who of two fooles doe yet appeare the wisest Can your ingenious noddle thinke that we Bred in the various pleasures of the city Would for your sake turne beasts and grase i th' country We cannot milke make wholsome cheese nor butter And sell it at next market and lay up Out of the precious Income as much coyne In thred bare groates mill-sixpences and pence As will suffice to finde the house in Candles And Sope a twelve month after Grace Nor can wee Spin our owne smockes out of the flax which growes Behind your Dovehouse no nor card the wooll Must make us peticoates things to say truth Not worth the taking up Val. They 've Magicke in their tounges They have so daunted me I thinke I shall Turne foole and get me 'hem without reply Clare All the company We can injoy there is each day to walke To the next farmers wife whose whole discourse Is what price Barly beares or how her husband Sould his last yoake of Oxen other meetings We cannot have except it be at Churchales When the sweet bag-pipe does draw forth the Damsells to frisque about the May poles or at Weddings where the best cheare is wholsome Stewd broth made of legs of porke and turnips Grace Yes at Christnings where the good Wives stead of
most obedient wife and not according To th' ancient tricke inherent to the City Raile till you be my Master Grace Never feare me Val. Nor shall you when you 're at my house i th' Country Be niggardly or spoyle a dinner for Want of the tother ounce of Sugar nor Repine to see me merry with my friends Or curse my brothers when they so journe with me Nor starve my servants when I am from home I must be drunke sometimes too then you must not Whine and cry out were I a maid agen I de never marry any that does take This wicked Herbe Tobacco Those injunctions And some few hundreds more of the same nature Seald and deliver'd to me by your promise I may be wonne to wed thee nay to bed thee And get a race of such Heroicke children As shall intice posterity to conceive Some good came from Cheapside Your lip shall seale this Grace You see your strengths upon me Val. T is my good girle Thy father armed with the trained bands o' th City Shall never pull thee from me to confirme thee How much I love I le disclose a plot I had to gaine thy affection Grace T is some good one Pray let me heare it Val. You see my youth and feature will admit A womans Character if I were cloath'd But in the habit should I not appeare A bouncing Mary Ambree Grace Some such creature but to your project Val. I have prepar'd mee A handsome female-shape my man without Has them under his cloake and I perswaded Sir Timothy in hope that would court thee I his behalfe to have presented me Here for his Neece you marke me Grace Very well but now This the designe is uselesse Val. By no meanes It must be put in action come goe in And helpe to dresse me Sir Timothy expects To meete me in that shape here and besides In that disguise secure I can at any time Steale out with you and marry you Gra. Your reason Shall governe my obedience Val. Come let 's in then Enter Timothy Covet Formall Tim. T is very right that sir but yet methinkes A wholsome song sung to a fine new tune Should not be much amisse my boy here has one And I de be very loath although I cannot Sing as they say my selfe that she should heare What those I can keep can doe is not this right now Cov. Your pleasure shall prevaile though to say truth Sonne Shallow-wit for sonne I still shall call you I never lik'd a Song unlesse the Ballad o th' famous London Prentice or the building Of Britaines Burse for Musicke lesse the Virginalls I never car'd for any Does but cloy The eares but never fills the purse sonne Tim. Very right indeed t is too light For such a purpose Form With your leave sir Musicke is most delightfull and young Mistris Grace and her Cosen surely will receive it With thankfull Equipage Tim. Honest Formall Th' art in the right still come exalt thy voyce My little Impe of gut and haire My Mistris Shall know there 's something in me How doe you Sings Like it Form T is very odoriferous Cov. I shall beginne To love it better then I have done t is a good boy A very pretty boy and I le reward thee There 's a threepence for thee Tim. Very right Father you are too bountifull Cov. He shall take it Indeed he shall t is manners to receive Mony from your betters boy but here 's my Neece Enter Clare Tim. Very right I had almost forgotten pray where 's mine Cov. Why have you a Neece Sir Timothy Tim. Yes yes I 've two or three but one I sent Hither to view my Mistris in a Coach An houre agoe at least Sure she is come Cov. Clare did you see the gentlewoman Clar. None such came hither yet Sir Tim. That 's not right though A poxe upon her for her paines Enter Maudlin Maud. Mrs. your Cosen does desire some conference with you Cov. Maudlin Did there a Gentlewoman arrive here lately To see my daughter Maud. There is one within In busie conference with her Tim. Very right that he 's pleading for me now Faire Damsell that 's my Neece pray tell her here 's A Knight a simple Uncle of hers or so desires her Company But here she comes my Mistris with her Neece T is well done I le give thee the tother thousand to increase Thy portion for 't Mistris and how and how do you like my Neece a plaine Country girle or so Cov. A very handsome woman I could love her Did I but know her portion Mistris welcome What 's in that house is yours Grace Sir Timothy You have much grac'd me by the sweet acquaintance Of this good gentlewoman Pray Cosen know her She 's worthy your endearment Clare I shall be proud To doe you service Val. I most fortunate To be esteem'd your creature Tim. Very right Shee s a poore niece of mine yet she can speake you May perceive or see Enter Thorowgood Holdfast Tristram Knowell Cla. Life Thorowgood with young Holdfast pray heaven my folly Has not undone me Thor. You 'l please to pardon Our rude intention sir we have some businesse Cov. Please you declare 't Thor. This gentleman and my selfe Come to informe you that this sparke my Cosen Is sonne and heire to sir Geffrey Holdfast And since I heare you have dispos'd your daughter To that good knight I in his fathers name Desire your niece should be his wife Cla. Pray Sir speake In your owne cause he needs no advocate Cov. I 've beene abus'd In this Sir Geffreys son the scholler Thor. The very same sir Hold. I am the sparke sir Know Valentine i th' name puls off his periwig Of madnesse man why in this shape Thor. Valentine Ha ha ha Tim. Very right my niece is Valentine Thor. And how i st bully hast not found these girles Of a hot appetite how often ha Val. Has my Land-lady Provided me a cullis life my backe Does needs a swathband Cov. What meanes this gentleman Thor. Nothing sir But to informe you what strange things your neice And daughter and nay never blush he has Perform'd it better then your uncles foreman I know he has Covet Timothy this abuse must not be thus put up Did not you say I was your Neice Tim. Very right but it was Valentine Know He has beene here all night too Grace Cosen we are basely betray'd Cla. Take courage Thor. Doe you thinke sir my Cosen shall mixe with such Stale ware that keepe their gamsters in their chambers Know Or this knight have Valentines reversions Tim. Very right I scorne it Thor. Keepe them they I serve to set up some twise Broken Merchant or undone Linnen-draper come away Valentine thou hast made a brave discovery Farewell My witty virgines you are payd now Exeunt Cov. I le be reveng'd for this and if it cost me Halfe my estate Formall send post for sir Geffrey The whole
thee And all the Brethren at Amsterdam And in new England at a morsell verilies Your yeas and nayes will not appease its stomacke T will sup them up as easily as a Tayler Would doe sixe hot loaves in a morning fasting And yet dine after Enter Busie and Parson Bus. There is the Licence sir for Mr. Holdfast And wise Sir Timothy you have instructions How things ought to be carryed when I have Dispos'd my Watch I will be there my selfe Meane time good Sir be carefull Pars. Doubt me not Good Mr. Constable t is not the first time I have espoused couples of as much worship Behinde the Brickhills when t is done t is done And surely consummate Ex. Parson Bus. Well said neighbours Y' are chatting wisely o're your Bils and Lanthorns As becomes Watch-men of discretion pray you Let 's have no wit amongst you no discourse O' the Common-wealth I need not neighbours give you Your charge to night onely for fashion sake Draw neare and be attentive 3 Men. I have edified More by your charge I promise you than by Many a mornings exercise Bus. First then You shall be sure to keep the peace that is If any quarrell be i th' streets sit still and keepe Your rusty Bills from blood-shed and as 't began So let it end onely your zeales may wish The Devill part them 1 Wat. Forward Mr. Constable Bus. Next if a thiefe chance to passe through your watch Let him depart in peace for should you stay him To purchase his redemption he 'le impart Some of his stolne goods and you 're apt to take them Which makes you accessary to his theft And so fit food for Tiburne Men. Good advise I promise you if we have grace to follow it Bus. Next if a drunkard of a man disguisd Desire to passe the gate by all means open 't You 'l run your selves into th' premunire For your authority stretches but to men And they are beasts by statute 1 Wat. Such as we are Horn'd beasts he means Bus. How 's that you carry lanthornes Thou hast wit and I le reward 't there 's foure tokens To buy the cheese next for the female creatures Which the severer officers i th' suburbs Terme girles or wenches let them passe without Examining where they been or taking from them A single token lasse good soules they get Their mony hard with labours of their bodies And to exact on those were even extortion Beyond a brokers Men. Yet they doe 't Without the City I have heard a brewer Being one yeare in office got as much from those Good soules as bought him a new mash-fat And mended all his coolers Bus. How 's that we are bidden Not to take ill examples for your selves you have Free leave for th' good o th' common wealth to Sleepe after eleven meane time you may play at Tray trip or cockall for blacke puddings So now your charge is finish'd Enter Sir Timothy Grimes Holdfast with a Sedan 1 Wat. Stand who goes there Men. Come before Mr. Constable Hold. T is I Landlord There 's sixteen pence to buy thy watch some Ale Prithee tie up their tongues Tim. And there 's four groates To purchase tosts to it Bus. How 's that pray stay my masters You 'r sober men and fit to be examin'd Whither goes all this carriage close These are the cunningst wodden bawdy houses Were ere invented and these blew coate men mules The most authenticke pimps set downe and open Your chaire of sinne you varlets Hold. Why good Landlord You will spoyle all doe you not know your tenent Not Ieremy Holdfast Bus. How 's that not my father Upon a watch I le lay my life they 've stolne Some city orphane they 'r so loath to have Their load discover'd Hold. There 's ten shillings Landlord To buy thee sack although it be thy office And thou art sworne to 't for a friend t is lawfull To breake an oath I will forsweare my selfe A hundred times to doe thee good Exeunt Holdfast Timothy Grimes and Sedan Bus. I am Appeas'd march on looke you remember my Instructions so this money was well gotten And 't shall as merrily be spent you need no More club your halfe pence sparkes to purchase Ale You 've an exchequer ha another chariot Int. This same should be some Lady from a labor Her waiters smell of groning cheese goodnight Gentlemen pay the Porter what i st twelve pence Share it amongst you Men. Mr. Constable T is very late a fire and a browne tost now With some of mother Trundles Ale I promise you Would comfort much the inwards Bus. How 's that hang it It is hereticall Sack 's the Orthodoxall Liquor and now I thinke on t you two and Mendwell Shall with me to th' Saint Johns head there is A cup of pure Canary and wee have it T will breake your heads your owne bills And weare your Lanthornes in your noses bullies My masters you that stay behinde observe My charge with strictnesse and if any businesse Be of importance call me Exit cum Cæteris 1 Wat. Now my masters Shall I expound a motion to you shall wee Share and share like this mony 4 Wat. With all our hearts Omnes 1 Wat. Le ts see what comes it to a peece there 's eleven groats And we are five of us that is that is let me see seven pence a piece No no I lye t is eight pence and six pence over 4 Wat. Right right this it is to be booke-learn'd He 's a good Arithmetician but stay neighbours Here comes more company come before the Constable Enter Covet Sir Geffery Formall with a Linke Cov. This is the government the city keepes How doe you lik 't Sir Geffery Geff. Very well I doe not thinke all Christendome affoords The like for formall discipline 1 Wat. Leave your prating And come before the Constable though he be not Here himselfe there 's those that can examine you Cov. You doe well masters to keepe diligent watch There 's many varlets at these houres commit Disorders in the City Where 's the constable 1 Wat. Good master Alderman I cry your worship mercy Because your worship wanted your worshipfull horse We did not know you Mr. Constable And please your worship is but at next doore Drinking a pint of sacke Cov. How at a Taverne 1 Wat. At the Saint Johns head And please your worship where if your worship please You may have excellent sacke and please your worship Cov. This is the fowlst enormity I ever Heard on i th' city that a Constable Who ought to see good orders kept should be At these unlawfull houres breeding disorder And in an open Taverne Good Sir Geffery Beare me but company I le make the knave A faire example to all men in office how they Come nere a bush watchmen looke well To the charge committed to you for your Constable I le make him kisse the counter light on Formall Exit Covet cum caeteris 1 Wat.
A shrewd man this if ere he live to be Lord Majors ha mercy upon us neighbours surely T is very late and I was up till twelve Last night a mending my wives bodies shall we Each to his bulke and take a nod Omnes Agreed agreed Exit Watch Busie Mendwell watchmen set in a Taverne Bus. Set downe your trusty Bills my sparkes and let us Watch ore a cup of Sacke here t is will make you Each one an Alderman a bigger glasse boy I doe not love these thimbles they are fit For none but precise Taylors that doe sip In zeale and sweare cuds nigs over their wine To cheat their customers so this is something A score or two of these my sparkes will set Our braines a floate and then wee l talke as wisely As all the common Counsell how 's that now Men. Mr. Constable Y' are in the right I promise you I feele My selfe already growing from a watchman Into a head-borow Bus. How 's that thou shalt be A Constable within this halfe houre Mendwell Carry thy staffe with the red Crosse and Dagger In as much state as the best gold smith That ere bore office in Cheap-side here 's to thee Hang care and Cosenage let mercers use it In the darke shops I am a Linnen Draper Love wit and Sacke and am resolv'd to thrive by 't When they shall break like bottles Here le ts canvas This quart and then will bumbaste off another And drinke a health to Holland and the mad boyes That traile the puissant Pike there how 's that doe you peepe Enter Fidlers Boy Boy Please you hear a good song Gentlemen Bus. These squeakers doe claime more Priviledge in a Taverne Then a man in office into every roome They thrust their frisled heads and I de bin at it With some distressed Damsell that I had taken Late in my watch thus I de bin serv'd I le have An Edict made against them at Guild Hall Next sitting certainely Boy A very new song and please your worships gentlemen Bus. There you lye boy I doubt it is some lamentable stuffe o th' Swine-fac'd gentlewoman and that you le grunt out Worse than a parish Boare when he makes love Unto the Vicars sow her story 's stale boy 'T has beene already in two playes Boy An 't please your worships My song is of a Constable Bus. How 's that a Constable T is not my selfe I hope i me not exalted Into a ballad Dare you sirrah abuse Officers in your Madrigalls you deserve And so does he that made it to be whipt for 't Boy Pray heare it sir t is no such matter on my credit Bus. How 's that Well on thy credit I will heare it Call in your company welcome my Masters Ent. Musicians Here wet your wesands first then thunder forth Some lofty Sonnets in the praise of Constables And never feare the whipping-post hereafter Constables 2 Song SIng and rejoyce the day is gone And the wholsome night appeares In which the Constable on Throne Of trusty bench does with his Peeres The comely watch men sound of health Sleep for the good o th' Common-wealth T is his office to doe so Being bound to keep the peace And in quiet sleep all know Mortall jarres and lewd brawles cease A Constable may then for 's health Sleep for the good o th' Common-wealth Vnlesse with Nobler thoughts inspir'd To the Taverne here sort Where with Sacke his Sences fir'd He raignes as fairy King in Court Drinking many a lusty health Then sleepes for th' good o th' Common-wealth With a comely girle whom late He had taken in his watch Oft he steales out of the gate Her at the old sport to watch Though it may impaire his health He sleeps with her for th' good o th' Common-wealth Who then can Constables deny To be persons brave and witty Since they onely are the eye The Glory the delight City That with staffe and Lanthorne light Are like blacke Pluto Princes of the night Mus An excellent Ditty I promise you Busie Well done boy There 's twelve pence for you Knaves and tell the Poet That made it if hee le come to me I le give him A quart of Sacke to whet his Muse Ent. Drawer Draw Sir below there 's one enquires for you and I suppose him To be at least an Alderman Bus. And if he be The Major and his horse let them come up Flinch Squeakers into another roome Good Mr. Alderman T is strange you are abroad so late wil 't please you Ent. Cov. Sir Geff. Formall To taste a cup a Sack t will warme your stomacke After your walking Cov. No Sirrah I le not be Partaker of your riot this the watch You keep good Mr. Constable introth The City 's much beholding to your care And they shall understand it in a Taverne A fit place for an Officer but I le send you To one fitter for you to the Counter Lay hands I charge you beare him hence I le have you all laid fast else Bus. How 's that I hope you le let us Drinke off our sacke first t were farre better sir In my poore judgment that you sate down in peace As does befit your gravity and drinke A friendly cup or two then for the first Offence to send your neighbour to the Counter Pray sir be not so fierce a glasse or two Will mollifie your hard heart Cov. Will you not stirre knaves Where is the Master of the house I le make This Busie an example Bus. Pray doe not sir Perhaps y' are bashfull sir and will not drinke Cause you want coyne to pay I le lend you some Or if you scorne to borrow you may dip Your chaine a good pawne never shames the master Pray sit downe sir we just now had Musicke I le call them in agen Cov. Within the master of the house I le have These knaves indicted for this bold contempt And whipt about the City Bus. You may see sir My Watch-men know their duty they 'll obey None but the Constable and I le experience If they 'le know me for one My masters take This Alderman and his company I charge you And carry them straight to th' Counter I le secure you 'Gainst all the harme that followes Seise on the Alderman and Sir Geffery Men. Come come come along sir Cov. Dare you doe this sirrah Bus. Yes and answer 't too sir Y 'ave met a Constable that has the wit To know the power of 's office neighbour Mendwel Because they 'le take him for a Rat i th' Counter And I de be loath to have his reverend board Be twitch'd off for his Garnish to my house Convey him and that comely Knight and bid My maid shew them a Chamber I le deale kindlier With you then you 'd have done with me there watch them Till I come home how 's that now Cov. Sirrah sirrah I le make you smoak for this Mend. Come we lose time sir Bus. Let him
have A good fire pray you So all works as 't had bin Molded afore in waxe boy there 's your reckoning Now to my sparkes Ive done that will be talkt on i th' City And registred a Constable was witty Freewit Thorowgood Valentine Luce Clare Clar. You thinke you have us sure now This same Busie Is a meere cheating Rascall Thor. Come your rage Is uselesse now he has done better for you Than I by th' circumstance perceive you had Intended for your selves what would you 've done With two such March-pane husbands I believe For all you set a good face on the matter T was your owne plot Clar. Ours then may we dye Virgins And these same trusty youths now cald our husbands Be suddainly transform'd to Eunuchs we Had thought young Holdfast and Sir Timothy Had bin the Squires had usher'd us and them We had resolv'd to couple with Free Sweete Clare No more of this for all your queint dissembling I know you love us better than to part For a slight quarrell now we 're man and wife And we will love you if you 'll be obedient And get such Boyes upon you as shall people Cheap side with wit five generations after us Val. Feare not thy fathers frownes sweet Grace I have An Aldermans heire a joyncture Enter Busie Bus. Blesse you my hearts of gold and give you joy Frowne not good Mistris Clare I knew your minde And so fulfild it Free Constable I le have Thy Annalls writ in a farre larger volume Than Speed or Hollingshed Clar. Well Mr. Busie Y 'ave serv'd us sweetly Bus. How 's that I hope your husbands Anon will serve you sweetlier faith I thought There was no wit in 't that you two should cast Your selves away on two such gulls your portions Deserv'd more noble husbands therefore finely After you were gone downe to take your Chariot Instead of them when i th' meane while my daughters Held in discourse I sent these now your husbands To exercise their office Now you are marryed I shall have Gloves I hope Clar. Yes and such favours As thou shalt weare in triumph but what have you Done with our other sweet-hearts Bus. How 's that matcht them To two will hold them play Come will you travaile Your father Mistris Grace is at my house Thither you shall and if he will be angry Let him be pleas'd agen Advance my sparkes I le be your valiant Leader Exeunt Sir Geffery Covet Formall Watchmen Geff. Storme not so Mr. Alderman the man Has done no more beleev 't than what his office Will beare him out in Cov. I le spend a thousand Pound but I le be reveng'd a sawcy rascall In my owne Ward to serve me thus Enter Timothy Holdfast Grimes Luce Nell Hold. Nay come forward Ladyes Although your father sweet-heart be in our search Be not abash'd come forward though you kept Your tongues in peace ere since our going forth And nere spake word unlesse before the Parson When we committed Matrimony yet now Pull off your Maskes and Vailes and shew your faces Be not asham'd of them Cov. Who 's here Sir Timothy and your sonne I le lay My life on 't they have struck a marriage up Without our knowledge Geff. Very likely Ieremy Hold. No more words sir t is done I and sir Timothy we hit the white Good father Covet be not angry mood now I have wed your daughter And he your Neece wee le use them kindly pray you Bid give us joy your daughter is so fearefull She dares not aske you blessing Cov. This qualifies all anger I forgive them Luce. Forgive us sir you doe not heare us aske it Not need we your remission Cov. Ha! who are these Sir Geffery we are cheated Abhominably cheated by this Constable This rascall Busie these are his daughters Luce. Nor are we asham'd To owne him for our father that has provided Us two such wealthy husbands Hold. Nell I did not thinke you would have serv'd me thus Unkindly gentle Nell Nel. Unkindly sir in what to make you master Of all I have I le use you kindly trust me When you come drunke a nights home in the morning I le make you amber Caudles Hold. Saist thou so Give me thy hand Father pray be not angry My Wife 's my wife and so I will maintaine her Gainst all the world Sir Timothy your spouse Is not to be contemn'd she 's a good girle And therefore pray regard her Tim. Very like for your sake I will doe much Although I find my selfe Made a starke Asse Come hither Luce Enter Clare Grace Thorougood Freewit Valentine Busie Grace Your pardon Sir and blessing Clar. We have done sir What cannot be undone now if you will Be foolish now and vexe your selves you may Be laught at for your labour they 're our husbands And we no cause now to repent our choyce Nor you Sir to repine at Free Our duties And after carriage shall deserve your love Nor our fortunes Sir so meane but may Merit their portions Cov. Well you shall not Report me cruell you have my consent And blessing with it neighbour Busie I le Be friends with you and at my intreaty Sir Geffery shall be reconcil'd Bus. How 's that Give me thy fist good brother Knight my daughters Shall not come without portions they shall have Each one a Bolt of Holland that 's enough Sonne Knight give me thine too and sonne Holdfast Wee le be as merry boyes and drinke old Sacke In plenteous glasses till we all grow witty As humorous Poets to your beds the 're ready Your wedding dinner shall be mine wee le dance And have the Song o th' Constable March faire And get each one a chopping boy by Morning I and my Watchmen here will drinke your healths Though we doe lose our owne by it Free Mr. Busie Wee 're all beholding to you and 't is fit We should confesse this Constable had wit FINIS