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A52809 The Devils patriarck, or, A full and impartial account of the notorious life of this present Pope of Rome Innocent the 11th wherein is newly discovered his rise and reign, the time and manner of his being chosen Pope, his prime procession, consecration and coronation, the splendour and grandeur of his Court, his most eminent and gainful cheats, by which he gulls the silly people, his secret and open transactions with the papists in England, Scotland, France and Ireland, and other Protestant countreys to this very day : together with the rest of the hellish policies and infamous actions of his wicked life / written by an eminent pen to revive the remembrance of the almost forgotten plot against the life of his Sacred Majesty and the Protestant religion. Ness, Christopher, 1621-1705.; Oates, Titus, 1649-1705. 1683 (1683) Wing N452; ESTC R18567 63,170 152

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Destroys her Bastard Child either before or after Birth hath the self same Sum to pay Sixthly For Burning a Neighbours House is Dog-cheap at Twelve Shillings but for Burning Heretical Cities 't is severely Punish'd with being Canoniz'd for Saints c. Item Licenses for what you List First If you be a Priest you may keep a Whore paying only Ten Shillings and Six Pence and if a Lay-Man it will cost you no more that the one may not Deride the other Secondly A License to be Lazy and to become an Abby-Lubber and so to be Inutile pondus Terrae Living there like Hogs in the Stie unuseful to Mankind unless to the Wanton Nuns Thirdly A License to be Licentious and to have the liberty of the Stews the Three Hot Months of the Year there is the Roman Recipe prescrib'd with Dr. Pope's probatum est ad purgandos Renes This Grand Quack or great Mountebank is Tender of his Proselytes Health Allows this Remedy which God never thought of when he said 'T is not good for Man to be alone Gen. 3.18 to prevent his Popelings under the Vow of Chastity from falling into Acute Fevers and to shew how good Natured he will be to them Remembering it had been his own needful Priviledg and Practice you may have these Two last Licenses both to be Lazy and to be Licenticus Gratis Gra-Mercy upon his Kind Heart they shall not cost you a Penny Fourthly Yet a License to Eat Flesh in Lent will cost you much more for his Un-Holiness Infallibly Judgeth this to be a far greater Sin than to keep a Whore Yea and many more Indulgences Item Here you may have Holy Water Chymically prepared Secundum Artem Diabolicam for driving away the Devil hence comes that Popish Proverb to express something that is Hateful A Man loves it as well as the Devil loves Holy Water You must suppose that Water which the Pope Conjures into the like Holiness with his own is able to Conjure away the strongest Devil in Hell Item You may have Holy Oil compounded according to the same Art only 't is an Arcanum and Magisterial The Pope hath been so kind to let the World know how he makes his Holy Water Pissing it out by Conjuration but he hath a mind to be private in Consecrating his Holy Oil and when he hath done his best to it have a care you eat it not with a Romish Sallet least it be mix'd with Jesuits Powder however 't is good enough to Liquor your Boots after your long Journey to Rome No doubt but it serves notably as an Unguent for far better than for anointing the Sick to make them well the Popes Charet Wheels makes them run glib in all Transmarine Countreys and is now calling for a wast over into ours do not you hear Him at Callice Crying have over for Dover have over for England God grant Him contrary Winds but if the Prince of the Air must be permitted to lend Him a lift with a Favonian or Favourable Wind God grant this proud Mystical Pharaoh of Spiritual Aegypt Rev. 11.8 May meet with no better a Fate and Fare than that Litteral King of Aegypt did who though for ought we know to the contrary had as fair way and weather into the midst of the Red Sea as Israel had yet when Irrecoverably brought into an unavoidable Noose which He could not Slip nor Retreat from then God looked out of the black side of the Cloud which was towards His Host as the bright side was toward Israel with an angry Countenance took off His Charet Wheels made them though never so well Oyled with His Priests Holy Oyl drive Heavily then dows'd Him with a Witness and drown'd Him too with a Vengeance Exod. 14.7.20 22 23 24 25 c. I cannot but be confident that the Lord will look through this black cloudy Dispensation with a look of Love upon his own People as he did upon poor perplexed Peter Luke 22.61 and with a look of Wrath upon this great Leviathan His Holy Oyl shall fall His Chariot Wheels and they shall never become as the Chariots of Aminadab England cannot ever be a willing People to Receive Him Item Here you may have His Holy Salt also this is soundly Conjur'd likewise into as good an Holiness as that of His Holy Water or as that of His own Holiness and with this Holy Stuff the Beast works His Mighty Miracles and Wonders What place soever hath this Holy Salt scattered upon it neither the Devil nor any of his evil Spirits have any power against it 'T is a wonder there should be so many Houses Haunted with Hobgoblins all over His Holinesses Dominions Surely either His Holy Salt hath lost its efficatious Vertue or Himself hath lost the Right Art to Consecrate it or more likely the Devil is in His Priests that they Improve it not 'T is a wonder this old Scphister doth not dash whole handfuls of this Holy Salt in the Eyes of those Raw Freshmen those Novicet as he calls the Protestants and so to blind them for ever But though this will not do His Holy Salt having lost its Efficacy He hath a better Trick behind far more Bloudy He would Bleed and Burn those He cannot Blind If His Holy Salt have lost its Savour as indeed it hath otherwise there could never have been so much Carrion for want of Seasoning both among Popes and His Popelings what is it good to but to be cast to the Dunghil and to be Troden Underfoot Matth. 5.13 England is as the Garden of Eden never any Pope that passed through the Porphury Chair ever since the Writ of Ejectment was by an Almighty Hand Served upon Him to dispossess that Devil in the Reformation but He hath lick'd his Lips and longed after some sweet Lettuces that Grow in this English Garden God grant it may be as the Law calls that Writ an Ejectione Firmae that this evil Spirit once cast out may not find the House of our Land which God knows is now neither Swept of Moral Vices nor Garnished with Moral Vertues but too much overspread with Epidemical-Immortality empty also of all Grace and so Return with Seven worse Spirits than the forwer Matth. 12.43 44 45. I would to God England were not so much like Jericho whose Situation was pleasant but the Waters were naughty Our fresh River of Thames seems to Run so near the salt Waters of Tybur ever since the Beast fouled our Fountains with his Feet Ezek. 34 18. that they tast a little Brackish and somewhat Imbib'd with the Salt-Sea of Rome 'T is too much Tinged with the Tincture of its Holy Salt Oh where is that Elisha that will take a Cruse of better Salt than this Popes Holy Salt is happily to hand in that our Waters may be Healed c. 2 Kings 2.19 20 21. Item Here is exposed to Sale the Holy Milk of the Virgin Mary which some of the Popes Doctours affirm is as Sovereign
c. are both 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 manifold and somewhat hard to be understood especially in some of the cryes but the cryes and outcryes in the Streets of Rome do far exceed the best of ours yea that of Dainty Trotters Curious Trotters But they that have a mind to Trot to Rome may There hear far better Crys as this for one will ye buy any Bodies will ye buy any Souls of Men This is a Raree-Show Indeed and such a Tickling Tempting-Cry as will cause empty Houses who would not Run out though the Pot be boiling upon the Fire and the Spit turning at it to see the Wonders of the Beast Revel 13.3 13 14. Who would not but desire to be a Chapman for at least to Cheap his Rare Commodities But because it may seem a little below His Highness and Holiness to become a common Cryer He hath learnt the Trick of our Nimble Quacks and Don Quick-Sots as every common Quack and Mountebank Prints now his Bills Hands them out Gratis with much Generosity yet catches Children and Fools enough to pay for them there you have set down Elixir Vitae at so much Elixir Salutis at so much the Golden Spirit at so much the Scurvy Spirit at so much Sovereign Powder for so much the Plaister call'd All-Heal for so much and Twenty Rarities more all Arcanums none Attains to such a Secret as himself every thing Exposed is good for all things if but a Thumb-Bottle of his Liquor be Bought 't will Cure all Diseases if but a little of his Balsom be Applied 't will Heal all Wounds What Madmen be these to be either Slain or Die in the midst of so many Antidotes c. Yea the Mountebank goes a little further He comes forth Cum Regis Privilegio makes Experiments upon himself both in Stabbings and Poisonings Builds his Theatre whereon he Exposeth all his Cheating Tricks to Publick View and when the Credulous come not in fast enough to make their Markets there his Merry-Andrew must Dance upon a Rope play Twenty pretty Pranks yet all the while more Knave than Fool to Decoy them and yet when all is done few more than the Rabble are Caught in the Snare So this Grand Quack the Pope and Master-Mountebank Prints his Bills Cum Privilegio commends to the Life his Cursed Wares Acts all the parts of the former to a Threed yet Advances upon an Higher Stage And indeed His Wares have a strange Operation If but a Thumb-Bottle of his Wine of Fornication be Drunk it will strangely Intoxicate even the Kings of the Earth And his Jesuits Powder will work Wonders But not to detain you in the Dark any longer If you have a mind to be Cheated or only to see his Cheats you 'l find his Printed Bills Publish'd to the whole World with Antichrists Arms stamp'd upon them in his Taxa Camerae Apostolicae where you have the Scarlet Whore's Adulterated Wares particularly Represented both in their Species Properties Profits and Prices yea and there is Morsus Diaboli the Herb call'd Devil-bit to wrap them up in cast into the Bargain Take only an Antipharmacon a Divine Allay and Preservative along with you least your Nostrils be offended and your Vital and Animal Spirits contract any Tincture of Contagion while I am to satisfie your Curiosity but a little way Digging into this stinking Dunghil I have good Warrant for this my good Work in laying open the Cheating Abominations of this Scarlet Coloured Beast As that Man of God great Elijah could not tell how to Ridicule enough the Prophane Priests of Baal 1 Kings 18.27 Much more may I Ridicule the Grand Master of them and this cannot be better done than by giving you but a brief Landskip of the Roman Merchandize a bare Recitatim whereof is a sufficient Refutation to any Sober and Right Thinking Mind The Apostolical Chamber Posts up its Si Quis c. If any one want this or that Popish Trumpery they may come and be welcome at this present Popes Ware-house provided always they come with Money in their Hands and come up to the current Price by Canon-Law of each Vendible Commodity come along my Hearts My Son Give me thy Heart You shall have Robin Hood Penniworths enough for your Money in all Conscience because you are all Friends you shall all be very Kindly Used and so Farewel A Schedule or List of the Romish Wares this Pope the Lord of the Manour Exposeth to Sale by Inch of Candle take as followeth Imprimis He Exposeth his Pick-pocketing Pardons of all sorts and sizes and the Prices thereof in some of them are set down in Black and White upon the Popes Tables hung out to Publick View or something Equivalent As First A Pardon for the Third part of your Sins equally Divided by Indifferent Persons for Seven Pound Ten Shillings and if you would Buy off the other Two parts 't will Cost you Two and Twenty Pound Ten Shillings and a very Rich Penniworth Secondly A Pardon for Forty Eight Years Sins as you can Agree with this Innocent Pope He is a very Innocent you may possibly Wheadle him to your own Terms with Nuts and Apples c. Thirdly A Pardon for Two Thousand Eight Hundred Years confirm'd by Pope Paschal the First by Boniface the Eighth and by Gregory the Ninth and now under a New Ratification by this Pope Innocent the Eleventh this may be had Dog-cheap only for saying a few very short Prayers in the right Critical Hour betwixt the Elevation of the Host and Three Agnus Dei's This would keep you out of Purgatory for a long time upon easie Terms Fourthly A Pardon for Thirty Three Thousand Years at a very low Rate only for once going up a pair of Stairs which you must suppose were the very same that Christ Ascended when he appeard before Pontius Pilate Here 's great Wages for a little Work and he 's a Fool in Grain that will not Purchase such a cheap Pardon for so long a Time provided he may have general Warranty for securing his Bargain till that Time be Expir'd and much more of this Trash c. Item Absolutions of various Prices according the Crime committed As First For Sacriledge Ten Shillings and Six Pence Secondly For Symony in a Priest the same Price but in a Lay-Man the odd Eighteen Pence shall be Baited Kindly done Thirdly For Perjury 't is a Rich Penny-worth at Nine Shillings Fourthly For Murder If it be a Priest that is Kill'd it cannot be Dear at one Two Pence more than a Mark I would never be a Priest there where my Life is no higher Valued But you may Kill your Father Mother Wife or Sister c. upon easier Terms That shall but cost you Ten Shillings and Six Pence Fifthly For Adultery Deflouring a Virgin goes at Nine Shillings but Incest with Mother Sister c. is cheaper passing at Seven Shillings and Six Pence And the Whore that