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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A67511 The metamorphos'd beau, or, The intrigues of Ludgate Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1700 (1700) Wing W745; ESTC R8237 20,963 16

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not dispute it with you since you have a Mind to see this Cave of iniquity but Acquiesce with your desires and wish it may answer your Curiosity and I 'll have the Honour to wait on you my self say'd he With that we tipt Towzer a Hog and dismist him and told our Friend we had seen the Common-side already and gave him our Sentiments on it O Cry'd he the the chiefest Scene is the Cellar which I can compare to nothing but Sodom there we have Tragy-Comedies Acted every Night but before I carry you there I will shew you our side which is something more regular than the Wards for we have Chambers to our selves but as there is no Palace without some Webs so it cannot be expected this should be without some inconveniences which may well be dispenc'd with considering those many the Wards are subject to Then taking us by a narrow pair of Stairs on the Right hand told us the first he should present us with was call'd Puppies-Parlour a Room that any Prisoner at any time may have free Access to provided 't is not in Use to finish their intrigues of Love and is the only Room in the House for Procreation and seldom a Night passes but its made use of by the Publick the Opposite Room is known by the Name of Clap-Arse-Hall but for what Reason I know not Then down we went to the next Floor where the Chambers were pretty tollerable bating the Sash-windows but found nothing worth our observation but an old Hermit in a Room that on my Conscience I believe hath not been wash'd since the Gate hath been re-built what 's the reason said I to my Friend this Old man keeps his Chamber in no better Order But answer was made me He was the very Quintessence of a Sloven and abhors any thing that 's Cleanly and so wedded in his Opinion that he holds it a Crime to destroy his Vermine but will decently brush them off to seek for fresh Quarters Nay alters the very Course of Nature and abominates humane Society the Night which was ordain'd for Rest he turns to Day and the Day which was design'd for Labour converts he to Night nor can you put a greater Affront on him than to ask him why he does not Endeavour to get out or tell him his Chamber wants to be Clean'd and had rather hear of the Plague Pestilence or Famine than a Mop or a Broom But come says my Friend I will keep you here no longer least we should increase our Company So down we went to the next Floor where we found the ●est Rooms in the House their Chambers were clean and descent and some had 〈…〉 Furniture which was handsome and genteel the Men for the most part of a 〈…〉 Aspect and made an indifferent Figure and were more Civiliz'd in their Conversation there we found quart Pots with Lids to them and Dishes that bore 'em Company which was an Evident proof that good living was no Stranger there And as we were going to leave that Floor we were stopt by a Crow'd list'ning to the Ringing of a Bell at the passage Door which was no sooner ceas'd but the Cryer made Proclamation after this Manner O Yes O Yes Any Man or Woman Prisoner or not a Prisoner Boy or Girl that can give any Tale or Tydings of a Man Child about sixty Years of Age and may be known by these following Marks He is too little for a Man and too big for a Monkey wears a narrow Brim'd Hat walks like a Cropper Pidgeon wears a Piss-burnt Wigg and hath a very old Fashioned Phiz and is known by the Name of he hath been missing from his Nightly Habitation ever since Yesterday five a Clock in the Afternoon and whosoever hath the good Fortune to find him may take him for their Pains and shall receive the Thanks of the whole House provided they discharge him from the Prison The Crowd being dispers'd our Friend told us there remain'd nothing now but our Descent into Sodom where we will take a Pot or two of the best Liquor it affords In the doing of which I do not question but you will find Diversion enough But going down Stairs my Friend show'd us a little Room which had escap'd our Notice Here said the Is the old Trade of Basket-making going forward Yes and Bastard making too Sir said the Man that was at work for and was catch'd a hussling here not long ago That may be answer'd he For when Puppies Parlor is taken up this is made use of for the same Purpose tho' it bath not the same Convenience but no Opportunity must be Lost. Now being come to the Descent into Sodom I was mightily surpriz'd hearing the Noise below and beholding the steep and narrow Entrance to it Bless me Cry'd I to my Friend this Descent seems to Contradict the Holy Scripture which affirms that the way to Destruction is Easy and broad is the Path thereof but here the Descent is narrow and almost Perpendicular Omne in praecipiti Vitium Stetit answer'd our Confin'd Friend but here we are in a Medium Well down the Precipice we went which put me in Mind of Quevedo's Descent into Hell But as soon as we were down our Hostess Conducted us into the Bar asking us What we would be pleas'd to Drink The best you have said we The motion I found pleas'd her well for dropping a formal Curt'siye and Screw'd her Chops into a forc'd Smile said indeed 't was very good she was sure Z ds said our Friend that 's always your Apology by G d set down the Liquor and your Absence I beseech you sweet Lady and give us leave to Praise it that are to Drink it with that she left us shaking her Head saying You are a sad Man But asking him why he us'd his Landlady thus S'BI d what I do is in my own Defence reply'd he and if I had not begun with her first she would have had the Impudence to have Dun'd me before your Faces Now being settled and the Cellar full of Company we began to make a Scrutiny into their several Stations and Observe their Motions and the first that was worth our Observation was an old Weather-beaten Fellow in a Gown that hung by Geometry and a Face as Fiery as the Sun who being Elevated with the Spirit of Malt in a most Lamentable Tone Belch'd forth this Song in Praise of King Lud Cruelty of the Creditors and Miserable Condition of the Prisoners who gave great Attention and was as followeth Noble King Lud long time hast thou stood Not fram'd of Wood but of Stone And since sure thou art like a Creditors Heart That Cares not a Figg for our Moan While we in this Gate do Beg thro' a Grate Lamenting our State in this City Yet our Yawling and Bawling and Calling Moves not a Creditors Heart unto Pity In a poor thread bear Coat we tear our Throat With a Pitiful Moan for Relief