into the land of the Fairies by Morgue as heretofore were Oger and Arthur together and that the report of his translation being spread abroad the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders with inrodes had wasted a great part of Utopia and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man farewel for the businesse required diligence he came to Rowen Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of other Countreys demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge who told him a story which Marotus set down of the lac Monachus in the acts of the Kings of Canarre saying that in old times Countreys were not distinguished into leagues miles furlongs nor parasanges until that King Pharamond divided them which was done in manner as followeth The said King chose at Paris a hundred faire gallant lustie briske young men all resolute and bold adventurers in Cupids duels together with a hundred comely pretty handsome lovely and well complexioned wenches of Picardie all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight dayes then having called for them he delivered to every one of the young men his wench with store of money to defray their charges and this injunction besides to go unto divers places here and there and wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches that thy setting a stone there it should be accounted for a league thus went away those brave fellows and sprightly blades most merrily and because they were fresh and had been at rest they very often jum'd and fanfreluched almost at every fields end and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short but when they had gone a great way and were now as weary as poor devils all the oile in their lamps being almost spent they did not chink and dufle so often but contented themselves I mean for the mens part with one scurvie paultry bout in a day and this is that which makes the leagues in Britany Delanes Germany and other more remote Countreys so long other men give other reasons for it but this seems to me of all other the best To which Pantagruel willingly adhered Parting from Rowen they arrived at Honfteur where they took shipping Pantagruel Panurge Epistemon Eusthenes and Carpalim In which place waiting for a favourable winde and caulking their ship he received from a Lady of Paris which I had formerly kept and entertained a good long time a letter directed on the out-side thus To the best beloved of the faire women and least loyal of the valiant men PNTGRL CHAP. XXIV A Letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris together with the exposition of a Posie written in a gold Ring WHen Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed and therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it then opened he the letter and found nothing written in it nor otherwayes inclosed but only a gold ring with a square table-diamond Wondering at this he called Panurge to him and shewed him the case whereupon Panurge told him thar the leafe of paper was written upon but with such cunning and artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight therefore to finde it out he set it by the fire to see if it was made with Sal Armoniack soaked in water then put he it into the water to see if the letter was written with the juice of Tithymalle after that he held it up against the candle to see if it was written with the juice of white onions Then he rubbed one part of it with oile of nuts to see if it were not written with the lee of a fig-tree and another part of it with the milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter to see if it was written with the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs Afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a Swallowes nest to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the herb Alcakengie called the winter-cherry He rubbed after that one end with eare-wax to see if it were not written with the gall of a Raven then did he dip it into vineger to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden Spurge After that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse to see if it was not written with the sperm of a whale which some call ambergris Then put it very fairly into a basin full of fresh water and forthwith took it out to see whether it were written with stone-allum But after all experiments when he perceived that he could finde out nothing he called the messenger and asked him Good fellow the Lady that sent thee hither did she not give thee a staffe to bring with thee thinking that it had been according to the conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention and the Messenger answered him No Sir Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald pate with the hard lie whereof sope is made that which she meant but perceiving that his hair was very long he forbore considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time Then he said to Pantagruel Master by the vertue of G I cannot tell what to do nor say in it for to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto the Tuscan sets down who hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear that which Zoroastes published peri grammaton acriton and Calphurnius Bassus de literis illegibilibus but I can see nothing nor do I beleeve that there is any thing else in it then the Ring let us therefore look upon it which when they had done they found this in Hebrew written within Lamach sabathani whereupon they called Epistemon and asked him what that meant to which he answered that they were Hebrew words signifying Wherefore hast thou forsaken me upon that Panurge suddenly replied I know the mystery do you see this diamond it is a false one this then is the exposition of that which the Lady meanes Diamant faux that is false lover why hast thou forsaken me which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood and withal remembering that at his departure he had not bid the Lady farewel he was very sorry and would faine have returned to Paris to make his peace with her but Epistemon put him in minde of Aeneas's departure from Dido and the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum That the ship being at anchor when need requireth we must cut the cable rather then lose time about untying of it and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to
Anointer of those that have the pox What said Pantagruel have they the pox there too Surely said Epistemon I never saw so many there are there I think above a hundred millions for beleeve that those who have not had the pox in this world must have it in the other Cotsbody said Panurge then I am free for I have been as farre as the hole of Gibraltar reached unto the outmost bounds of Hermes and gathered of the ripest Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of armour The King Tigranes a mender of thatched houses Galien Restored a taker of Moldwarps The foure sons of Aymon were all tooth-drawers Pope Calixtus was the barber of a womans sineq uo non Pope Urban a bacon-pecker Melusina was a Kitchin drudge-wench Mattabrune a Laundresse Cleopatra a Crier of onions Helene a broker for Chamber-maids Semiramis the Beggars lice-killer Dido did sell mushroms Pentasilea sold cresses Luâ—retia was an Ale-house keeper Hortensia a Spinstresse Livia a grater of verdigreece After this manner those that had been great Lords and Ladies here got but a poor scurvie wretched living there below And on the contrary the Philosophers and others who in this world had been altogether indigent and wanting were great Lords there in their turne I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pompously and in great magnificence with a rich purple gown on him and a golden Scepter in his right hand And which is more he would now and then make Alexander the great mad so enormously would he abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches for he used to pay his skin with sound bastinadoes I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French fashion sitting under a pleasant Arbour with store of handsom Gentlewomen frolicking drinking dancing and making good cheare with abundance of Crowns of the Sunne Above the lattice were written these verses for his device To leap and dance to sport and play And drink good wine both white and brown Or nothing else do all the day But tell bags full of many'a Crown When he saw me he invited me to drink with him very courteously and I being willing to be intreated we tipled and chopined together most theologically In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for the honour of Mercurie therewith to buy a few onions for his supper No no said Epictetus I do not use in my almes-giving to bestow farthings hold thou Varlet there 's a crown for thee be an honest man Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a bootie but the other poor rogues the Kings that are there below as Alexander Darius and others stole it away from him by night I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadamantus who in cheapening the pudding-pyes that Pope Iulius cried asked him How much a dozen Three blanks said the Pope Nay said Pathelin three blowes with a cudgel lay them down here you rascal and go fetch more the poor Pope went away weeping who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker told him that they had taken away his pudding-pyes whereupon his Master gave him such a sound lash with an eele-skin that his own would have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of I saw Master Iohn le maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this world kisse his feet and taking great state upon him gave them his benediction saying Get the pardons rogues get the pardons they are good cheap I absolve you of bread and pottage and dispense with you to be never good for any thing then calling Caillet and Triboulet to him he spoke these words My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their bulls to wit to each of them a blow with a Cudgel upon the reines which accordingly was forthwith performed I heard Master Francus Villou ask Xerxes How much the messe of mustard A farthing said Xerxes to which the said Villou answered The pox take thee for a villain as much of square-ear'd wheat is not worth half that price and now thou offerest to inhance the price of victuals with this he pist in his pot as the mustard-makers of Paris use to do I saw the trained bowe-man of the bathing tub known by the name of the Francarcher de baignolet who being one of the trustees of the Inquisition when he saw Pierce Forrest making water against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Antoniâ— declared him heretick and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for Morgant who for his Proficiat and other small fees gave him nine tuns of beer Well said Pantagruel reserve all these faire stories for another time only tell us how the Usurers are there handled I saw them said Epistemon all very busily employed in seeking of rustie pins and old nailes in the kennels of the streets as you see poor wretched rogues do in this world but the quintal or hundred weight of this old iron ware is there valued but at the price of a cantle of bread and yet they have but a very bad dispatch and riddance in the sale of it thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread and yet work both day and night looking for the faire to come neverthelesse of all this labour toile and misery they reckon nothing so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling in hopes at the end of the yeare to earne some scurvie penny by it Come said Pantagruel let us now make our selves merry one bout and drink my Lads I beseech you for it is very good drinking all this moneth then did they unease their flaggons by heaps and dozens and with their leaguer-provision made excellent good chear but the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himselfe towards any fit of mirth whereupon Panurge said Of what trade shall we make my Lord the King here that he may be skilful in the Art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils of hell Indeed said Pantagruel that was well advised of thee do with him what thou wilt I give him to thee Grammercie said Panurge the present is not to be refused and I love it from you CHAP. XXXI How Pantagruel entered into the City of the Amaurots and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag and made him a Cryer of green sauce AFter this wonderful victory Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the Amaurots to declare and signifie unto them how the King Anarchus was taken prisoner and all the enemies of the City overthrown which news when they heard all the inhabitants of the City came forth to meet him in good order and with a great triumphant pomp conducting him with a heavenly joy into the City where innnumerable bonefires were set on thorough all the parts thereof and faire round tables which were furnished with store of good victuals set out
Midwives were much amazed yet some of them said Lo here is good provision and indeed we need it for we drink but lazily as if our tongues walked on crutches and not lustily like Lansman dutches truly this is a good signe there is nothing here but what is fit for us these are the spurres of wine that set it a going As they were tatling thus together after their own manner of chat behold out comes Pantagruel all hairie like a Beare whereupon one of them inspired with a prophetical Spirit said This will be a terrible fellow he is borne with all his haire he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things and if he live he shall have age CHAP. III. Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife Badebec WHen Pantagruel was borne there was none more astonished and perplexed then was his father Gargantua for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec dead and on the other side his sonne Pantagruel born so faire and so great he knew not what to say nor what to do and the doubt that troubled his braine was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for the joy of his sonne he was hinc indè choaked with sophistical arguments for he framed them very well in modo figura but he could not resolve them remaining pestered and entangled by this means like a mouse catch't in a trap or kite snared in a ginne Shall I weep said he Yes for why my so good wife is dead who was the most this the most that that ever was in the world never shall I see her never shall I recover such another it is unto me an inestimable losse O my good God what had I done that thou shouldest thus punish me why didst thou not take me away before her seeing for me to live without her is but to languish Ah Badebec Badebec my minion my dear heart my sugar my sweeting my honey my little C. yet it had in circumference full six acres three rods five poles foure yards two foot one inche and a half of good woodland measure my tender peggie my Codpiece darling my bob and hit my slipshoe-lovie never shall I see thee Ah poor Pantagruel thou hast lost thy good mother thy sweet nurse thy well-beloved Lady O false death how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me how malicious and outragious have I found thee in taking her from me my well-beloved wife to whom immortality did of right belong With these words he did cry like a Cow but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calfe when Pantagruel came into his minde Ha my little sonne said he my childilollie fedlifondie dandlichuckie my ballockie my pretty rogue O how jollie thou art and how much am I bound to my gracious God that hath been pleased to bestow on me a sonne so faire so spriteful so lively so smiling so pleasant and so gentle Ho ho ho ho how glad I am Let us drink ho and put away melancholy bring of the best rense the glasses lay the cloth drive out these dogs blow this fire light candles shut that door there cut this bread in sippers for brewis send away these poore folks in giving them what they ask hold my gown I will strip my self into my doublet én cuerpo to make the Gossips merry and keep them company As he spake this he heard the Letanies and the memento's of the Priests that carried his wife to be buried upon which he left the good purpose he was in and was suddenly ravished another way saying Lord God must I again contrist my self this grieves me I am no longer young I grow old the weather is dangerous I may perhaps take an ague then shall I be foiled if not quite undone by the faith of a Gentleman it were better to cry lesse and drink more My wife is dead well by G da jurandi I shall not raise her again by my crying she is well she is in Paradise at least if she be no higher she prayeth to God for us she is happy she is above the sense of our miseries nor can our calamities reach her what though she be dead must not we also die the same debt which she hath paid hangs over our heads nature will require it of us and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce let her passe then and the Lord preserve the Survivors for I must now cast about how to get another wife But I will tell you what you shall do said he to the Midwives in France called wise women Where be the good folks I cannot see them go you to my wives interrement and I will the while rock my sonne for I finde my self somewhat altered and distempered and should otherwayes be in danger of falling sick but drink one good draught first you will be the better for it and beleeeve me upon mine honour they at his request went to her burial and funeral obsequies in the mean while poor Gargantua staying at home and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven upon her tomb made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth Dead is the noble Badebec Who had a face like a Rebeck A Spanish body and a belly Of Swisserland she dy'd I tell ye In childe-birth pray to God that her He pardon wherein she did erre Here lies her body which did live Free from all vice as I beleeve And did decease at my bed-side The yeare and day in which she dy'd CHAP. IV. Of the Infancie of Pantagruel I Finde by the ancient Historiographers and Poets that divers have been borne in this world after very strange manners which would be too long to repeat reade therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny if you have so much leisure yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel for it is a very difficult matter to beleeve how in the little time he was in his mothers belly he grew both in body and strength That which Hercules did was nothing when in his Cradle he slew two serpents for those serpents were but little and weak but Pantagruel being yet in the Cradle did farre more admirable things and more to be amazed at I passe by here the relation of how at every one of his meales he supped up the milk of foure thousand and six hundred Cowes and how to make him a skellet to boil his milk in there were set a work all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjou of Villedieu in Normandy and of Bramont in Lorraine and they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berrie near the Palace but his teeth were already so well grown and so strengthened in vigour that of the said Bell he bit off a great morsel as very plainly doth appeare till this houre One day in the morning when they would have made him
of Lusinian called Iafrey with the great tooth Grandfather to the Cousin in law of the eldest Sister of the Aunt of the Son in law of the Uncle of the good daughter of his Stepmother was interred at Maillezais therefore one day he took campos which is a little vacation from study to play a while that he might give him a visit as unto an honest man and going from Poiâ—tiers with some of his companions they passed by the Guge visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon then by Lusinian by Sansay by Celles by Coalonges by Fontenay the Conte saluting the learned Tiraqueau and from thence arrived at Maillezais where he went to see the Sepulchre of the said Iafrey with the great tooth which made him somewhat afraid looking upon the picture whose lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an extreme fury drawing his great Malchus faulchion half way out of his scabbard when the reason hereof was demanded the Chanons of the said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus atque Poetis c. that is to say that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancie but he was not satisfied with their answer and said He is not thus painted without a cause and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him whereof he requireth his Kinred to take revenge I will enquire further into it and then do what shall be reasonable then he returned not to Poictiers but would take a view of the other Universities of France therefore going to Rochel he took shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux where he found no great exercise only now and then he would see some Marriners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the river-side From thence he came to Tholouse where he learned to dance very well and to play with the two-handed sword as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may have their hands full but he stayed not long there when he saw that they did cause bury their Regents alive like red herring saying Now God forbid that I should die this death for I am by nature sufficiently dry already without heating my self any further He went then to Monpellier where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux and good jovial company withal and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholick and that Physicians did smell of glisters like old devils Therefore he resolved he would studie the lawes but seeing that there were but three scauld and one bald-pated Legist in that place he departed from thence and in his way made the Bridge of Gard and the Amphitheater of Neems in lesse then three houres which neverthelesse seems to be a more divine then humane work After that he came to Avignon where he was not above three dayes before he fell in love for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game because it is Papal ground which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee where he saw no great matter of recreation only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars which so incensed him with anger that when upon a certain very faire Sunday the people being at their publick dancing in the streets and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport the foresaid lubbardly fellowes would not permit him the admittance into their society He taking the Scholars part so belaboured them with blowes and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him even to the brink of the river Rhosne and would have there drowned them but that they did squat to the ground and there lay close a full halfe league under the river The hole is to be seen there yet After that he departed from thence and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers where he found himself very well and would have continued there some space but that the plague drove them away So from thence he came to Bourges where he studied a good long time and profited very much in the faculty of the Lawes and would sometimes say that the books of the Civil Law were like unto a wonderfully precious royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen more ornate nor more eloquent then the texts of the Pandects but the bordering of them that is to say the glosse of Accursius is so scurvie vile base and unsavourie that it is nothing but filthinesse and villany Going from Bourges he came to Orleans where he found store of swaggering Scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a Master at that game for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it and sometimes they carried him unto Cupids houses of commerce in that City termed Islands because of their being most ordinarily environed with other houses and not contiguous to any there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in As for breaking his head with over-much study he had an especial care not to do it in any case for feare of spoiling his eyes which he the rather observed for that it was told him by one of his Teachers there called Regents that the paine of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate or Graduate in law one of the Scholras of his acquaintance who of learning had not much more then his burthen though in stead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis made the blason and device of the Licentiates in the said University saying So you have in your hand a racket A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket A Pandect law in your Caps tippet And that you have the skill to trip it In a low dance you will b'allow'd The grant of the Licentiates hood CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language VPon a certain day I know not when Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students without that gate of the City through which we enter on the rode to Paris encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way and after they had saluted one another asked him thus My friend from whence comest thou now the Scholar answered him From the alme inclyte and celebrate Academie which is vocitated Lutetia What is the meaning of this said Pantagruel to one of his men It is answered he from Paris Thou comest
come in publick or present himself in company that hath not been pretty well polished in the shop of Minerva I see robbers hangmen free-booters tapsters ostlers and such like of the very rubbish of the people more learned now then the Doctors and Preachers were in my time What shall I say the very women and children have aspired to this praise and celestial Manna of good learning yet so it is that in the age I am now of I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue which I contemned not like Cato but had not the leasure in my younger yeares to attend the study of it and take much delight in the reading of Plutarchs Morals the pleasant Dialogues of Plato the Monuments of Pausanias and the Antiquities of Athenaeus in waiting on the houre wherein God my Creator shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory pilgrimage Wherefore my sonne I admonish thee to imploy thy youth to profit as well as thou canst both in thy studies and in vertue Thou art at Paris where the laudable examples of many brave men may stirre up thy minde to gallant actions and hast likewise for thy Tutor and Paedagogue the learned Epistemon who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee in the Arts and Sciences I intend and will have it so that thou learn the Languages perfectly first of all the Greek as Quintilian will have it secondly the Latine and then the Hebrew for the holy Scripture-sake and then the Chaldee and Arabick likewise and that thou frame thy stilein Greek in imitation of Plato and for the Latine after Cicero let there be no history which thou shalt not have ready in thy memory unto the prosecuting of which designe books of Cosmographie will be very conducible and help thee much Of the liberal Arts of Geometry Arithmetick and Musick I gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little and not above five or six yeares old proceed further in them learn the remainder if thou canst As for Astronomy study all the rules thereof let passe neverthelesse the divining and judicial Astrology and the Art of Lullius as being nothing else but plain abuses and vanities As for the Civil Law of that I would have thee to know the texts by heart and then to conferre them with Philosophie Now in matter of the knowledge of the works of Nature I would have thee to study that exactly and that so there be no sea river nor fountain of which thou doest not know the fishes all the fowles of the aire all the several kindes of shrubs and trees whether in forrests or orchards all the sorts of herbes and flowers that grow upon the ground all the various mettals that are hid within the bowels of the earth together with all the diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the Orient South-parts of the world let nothing of all these be hidden from thee Then faile not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek Arabian and Latine Physicians not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists and by frequent Anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world called the Microcosme which is man and at some houres of the day apply thy minde to the study of the holy Scriptures first in Greek the New Testament with the Epistles of the Apostles and then the Old Testament in Hebrew In brief let me see thee an Abysse and bottomlesse pit of knowledge for from hence forward as thou growest great and becomest a man thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study thou must learn chivalrie warfare and the exercises of the field the better thereby to defend my house and our friends and to succour and protect them at all their needs against the invasion and assaults of evil doers Furthermore I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited which thou canst not better do then by maintaining publickly Theses and Conclusions in all Arts against all persons whatsoever and by haunting the company of learned men both at Paris and otherwhere But because as the wise man Solomon saith Wisdome entereth not into a malicious minde and that knowledge without conscience is but the ruine of the soule it behooveth thee to serve to love to feare God and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him so that thou mayest never be separated from him by thy sins Suspect the abuses of the world set not thy heart upon vanity for this life is transitory but the Word of the Lord endureth for ever Be serviceable to all thy neighbours and love them as thy self reverence thy Praeceptors shun the conversation of those whom thou desirest not to resemble and receive not in vaine the graces which God hath bestowed upon thee and when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that part return unto me that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before I die My sonne the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee Amen From Utopia the 17. day of the moneth of March. Thy father Gargantua These letters being received and read Pantagruel pluck't up his heart took a fresh courage to him and was inflamed with a desire to profit in his studies more then ever so that if you had seen him how he took paines and how he advanced in learning you would have said that the vivacity of his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood so active it was vigorous and indefatigable CHAP. IX How Pantagruel found Panurge whom he loved all his life-time ONe day as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the City towards St. Antonies Abbey discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and some other Scholars met with a young man of a very comely stature and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded in such bad equipage in matter of his apparel which was but totters and rags and every way so far out of order that he seemed to have been a fighting with mastiffe-dogs from whose fury he had made an escape or to say better he looked in the condition wherein he then was like an Apple-gatherer of the countrey of Perche As farre off as Pantagruel saw him he said to those that stood by Do you see that man there who is a coming hither upon the road from Charanton-bridge by my faith he is only poor in fortune for I may assure you that by his Physiognomie it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some rich and noble race and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence want and penurie Now as he was just amongst them Pantagruel said unto him Let me intreat you friend that you may be pleased to stop here a little and answer me to
see the extravagancie of the Gobeline building and to taste of their spiced bread Panurge was with him having alwayes a flaggon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon for without this he never went saying that it was as a Yeoman of the guard to him to preserve his body from harme other sword carried he none and when Pantagruel would have given him one he answered that he needed none for that it would but heat his milt Yea but said Epistemon if thou shouldest be set upon how wouldest thou defend thy self With great buskinades or brodkin blowes answered he provided thursts were forbidden At their return Panurge considered the walls of the City of Paris and in derision said to Pantagruel See what faire walls here are O how strong they are and well fitted to keep geese in a mue or coop to fatten them by my beard they are competently scurvie for such a City as this is for a Cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them O my friend said Pantagruel doest thou know what Agesilaus said when he was asked Why the great City of Lacedemon was not inclosed with walls Lo here said he the walls of the City in shewing them the inhabitants and Citizens thereof so strong so well armed and so expert in military discipline signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones and that Towns and Cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification then the prowesse and vertue of the Citizens and Inhabitants so is this City so strong by the great number of warlike people that are in it that they care not for making any other walls Besides whosoever would go about to wall it as Strasbourg Orleans or Ferrara would finde it almost impossible the cost and charges would be so excessive Yea but said Panurge it is good neverthelesse to have an out-side of stone when we are invaded by our enemies were it but to ask Who is below there As for the enormous expence which you say would be needful for undertaking the great work of walling this City about if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine I will shew them a pretty strange and new way how they may build them good cheap How said Pantagruel Do not speak of it then answered Panurge and I will tell it you I see that the sine quo nons killibistris or contrapunctums of the women of this Countrey are better cheap then stones of them should the walls be built ranging them in good symmetrie by the rules of Architecture and placing the largest in the first ranks then sloping downwards ridgewayes like the back of an Asse the middle sized ones must be ranked next and last of all the least and smallest This done there must be a fine little interlacing of them like points of Diamonds as is to be seen in the grear Tower of Bourges with a like number of the nudinnudo's nilnisistando's and stiffe bracmards that dwell in amongst the claustral Codpieces What devil were able to overthrow such walls there is no metal like it to resist blowes in so farre that if Culverin-shot should come to grease upon it you would incontinently see distill from thence the blessed fruit of the great pox as small as raine beware in the name of the devils and hold off furthermore no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it for why they are all either blest or consecrated I see but one inconveniency in it Ho ho ha ha ha said Pantagruel and what is that It is that the flies would be so lickorish of them that you would wonder and would quickly gather there together and there leave their ordure and excretions and so all the work would be spoiled But see how that might be remedied they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with faire fox-tailes or good great viedazes which are Asse-pizzles of Provence And to this purpose I will tell you as we go to supper a brave example set down by Frater Lubinus libro de compotationibus mendicantium in the time that the beasts did speak which is not yet three dayes since A poor Lion walking through the fortest of Bieure and saying his own little private devotions past under a tree where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down wood who seeing the Lion cast his hatchet at him and wounded him enormously in one of his legs whereupon the Lion halting he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forrest to finde helpe that at last he met with a Carpenter who willingly look't upon his wound cleansed it as well as he could and filled it with mosse telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do their excrements in it whilest he should go search for some yarrow or millefoile commonly called the Carpenters herbe The Lion being thus healed walked along in the forrest at what time a sempiternous Crone and old Hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forrest whoseeing the Lion coming towards her for feare fell down backwards in such sort that the winde blew up her gown coats and smock even as farre as above her shoulders which the Lion perceiving for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the fall and thereupon considering her how do you call it said O poor woman who hath thus wounded thee which words when he had spoken he espied a fox whom he called to come to him saying Gossip Renard hau hither hither and for cause when the fox was come he said unto him My gossip and friend they have hurt this good woman here between the legs most villainously and there is a manifest solution of continuity see how great a wound it is even from the taile up to the navel in measure foure nay full five handfulls and a half this is the blow of an hatchet I doubt me it is an old wound and therefore that the flies may not get into it wipe it lustily well and hard I prethy both within and without thou hast a good taile and long wipe my friend wipe I beseech thee and in the mean while I will go get some mosse to put into it for thus ought we to succour and help one another wipe it hard thus my friend wipe it well for this wound must be often wiped otherwise the Party cannot be at ease go to wipe well my little gossip wipe God hath furnished thee with a taile thou hast a long one and of a bignesse proportionable wipe hard and be not weary A good wiper who in wiping continually wipeth with his wipard by wasps shall never be wounded wipe my pretty minion wipe my little bullie I will not stay long Then went he to get store of mosse and when he was a little way off he cried out in speaking to the fox thus Wipe well still gossip wipe and let it
laugh and say How now do you fart Panurge No no Madam said he I do but tune my taile to the plain song of the Musick which you make with your nose In another he had a picklock a pellican a crampiron a crook and some other iron tooles wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would nor pick open He had another full of little cups wherewith he played very artificially for he had his fingers made to his hand like those of Minerva or Arachne and had heretofore cried Triacle And when he changed a teston cardecu or any other piece of money the changer had been more subtil then a fox if Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols that is some six or seven pence vanish away invisibly openly and manifestly without making any hurt or lesion whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the winde CHAP. XVII How Panurge gained the pardons and married the old women and of the suit in law which he had at Paris ONe day I found Panurge very much out of countenance melancholick and silent which made me suspect that he had no money whereupon I said unto him Panurge you are sick as I do very well perceive by your physiognomie and I know the disease you have a flux in your purse but take no care I have yet seven pence half penny that never saw father nor mother which shall not be wanting no more then the pox in your necessity whereunto he answered me Well well for money one day I shall have but too much for I have a Philosophers stone which attracts money out of mens purses as the adamant doth iron but will you go with me to gaine the pardons said he By my faith said he I am no great pardon-taker in this world if I shall be any such in the other I cannot tell yet let us go in Gods Name it is but one farthing more or lesse But said he lend me then a farthing upon interest No no said I I will give it you freely and from my heart Grates vobis dominos said he So we went along beginning at St. Gervase and I got the pardons at the first boxe only for in those matters very little contenteth me then did I say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid but he gained them at all the boxes and alwayes gave money to every one of the Pardoners from thence we went to our Ladies Church to St. Iohns to St. Antonies and so to the other Churches where there was a banquet of pardons for my part I gained no more of them but he at all the boxes kissed the relicks and gave at every one to be brief when we were returned he brought me to drink at the Castle-tavern and there shewed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of money at which I blest my self and made the signe of the Crosse saying Where have you recovered so much money in so little time unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the basins of the pardons For in giving them the first farthing said he I put it in with such slight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to be a three-pence thus with one hand I took three-pence nine-pence or six-pence at the least and with the other as much and so thorough all the Churches where we have been Yea but said I you damn your self like a snake and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person True said he in your opinion but I am not of that minde for the Pardoners do give me it when they say unto me in presenting the relicks to kisse Centuplum accipies that is that for one penny I should take a hundred for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrewes who use the future tense in stead of the imperative as you have in the law Diliges Dominum that is dilige even so when the Pardon-bearer sayes to me Centuplum accipies his meaning is centuplum accipe and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it and all the Massorets ibi Bartholus Moreover Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francks of yearly pension which in English money is a hundred and fifty pounds upon his Ecclesiastical revenues and treasure for having cured him of a canckrous botch which did so torment him that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life Thus I do pay my self at my owne hand for otherways I get nothing upon the said Ecclesiastical treasure Ho my friend said he if thou didst know what advantage I made and how well I feathered my nest by the Popes bull of the Croisade thou wouldest wonder exceedingly It was worth to me above six thousand florins in English coine six hundred pounds and what a devil is become of them said I for of that money thou hast not one half penny They returned from whence they came said he they did no mote but change their Master But I employed at least three thousand of them that is three hundred pounds English in marrying not young Virgins for they finde but too many husbands but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one tooth in their heads and that out of the consideration I had that these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock-game to all commers serving the foremost first till no man would have any more dealing with them And by G I will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die by this meanes to one I gave a hundred florins to another six score to another three hundred according to that they were infamous detestable and abominable for by how much the more horrible and execrable they were so much the more must I needs have given them otherwayes the devil would not have jum'd them Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porters or such like and did my self make the match but before I did shew him the old Hags I made a faire muster to him of the Crownes saying Good fellow see what I will give thee if thou wilt but condescend to dufle dinfredaille or lecher it one good time then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules and I caused to be provided for them a banquet with drink of the best and store of spiceries to put the old women in rut and heat of lust To be short they occupied all like good soules only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured I caused their head to be put within a bag to hide their face Besides all this I have lost a great deal in suits of law And what law-suits couldest thou have said I thou hast neither house norlands My friend said he the Gentlewomen of this City had found out by the instigation of the devil of hell a manner of high-mounted bands and neckerchiefs for women which did so closely cover their bosomes that men could no more
put their hands under for they had put the slit behinde and those neck-cloths were wholly shut before whereat the poor sad contemplative lovers were much discontented Upon a faire Tuesday I presented a Petition to the Court making my self a Party against the said Gentlewomen and shewing the great interest that I pretended therein protesting that by the same reason I would cause the Codpeece of my breeches to be sowed behinde if the Cour would not take order for it In summe the Gentlewomen put in their defences shewed the grounds they went upon and constituted their Atturney for the prosecuting of the cause but I pursued them so vigorously that by a sentence of the Court it was decreed those high neckclothes should be no longer worne if they were not a little cleft and open before but it cost me a good summe of money I had another very filthy and beastly processe against the dung-farmer called Master Fifi and his Deputies that they should no more reade privily the pipe punchon nor quart of sentences but in faire full day and that in the fodder schools in face of the Arrian Sophisters where I was ordained to pay the charges by reason of some clause mistaken in the relation of the Serjeant Another time I framed a complaint to the Court against the mules of the Presidents Counsellors and others tending to this purpose that when in the lower Court of the Palace they left them to champ on their bridles some bibs were made for them that with their drivelling they might not spoile the pavement to the end that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it with their dice or at the game of coxbody at their own ease without spoiling their breeches at the knees and for this I had a faire decree but it cost me deare Now reckon up what expence I was at in little banquets which from day to day I made to the Pages of the Palace and to what end said I My friend said he thou hast no passe-time at all in this world I have more then the King and if thou wilt joyne thy selfe with me we will do the devil together No no said I by St. Adauras that will I not for thou wilt be hanged one time or another And thou said he wilt be interred somtime or other now which is most honourable the aire or the earth Ho grosse pecore whilest the Pages are at their banqueting I keep their mules and to some one I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by a thin strap or thread that when the great puffe-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up he may fall flat on his side like a pork and so furnish the Spectators with more then a hundred francks worth of laughter But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipt like green rie which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them In brief he had as I said before threescore and three wayes to acquire mony but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it besides his drinking CHAP. XVIII How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel and was overcome by Panurge IN that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast hearing the fame and renown of Pantagruels incomparable knowledge came out of his own countrey of England with an intent only to see him to try thereby and prove whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be In this resolution being arrived at Paris he went forthwith unto the house of the said Pantagruel who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys and was then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge philosophizing after the fashion of the Peripateticks At his first entrance he startled and was almost out of his wits for feare seeing him so great and so tall then did he salute him courteously as the manner is and said unto him Very true it is saith Plato the Prince of Philosophers that if the image and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals it would stirre up all the world to admire her which we may the rather beleeve that the very bare report thereof scattered in the air if it happen to be received into the eares of men who for being studious and lovers of vertuous things are called Philosophers doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where the person is in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her Temple and uttered her Oracles as it was manifestly shewen unto us in the Queen of Sheba who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian sea to see the order of Solomons house and to heare his wisdom in Anacharsis who came out of Scythia even unto Athens to see Solon in Pythagoras who travelled farre to visit the Memphitical Vaticinators in Platon who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt and Architas of Tarentum in Apollonius Tianeus who went as farre as unto Mount Caucasus passed along the Scythians the Massagetes the Indians and sailed over the great river Phison even to the Brachmans to see Hiarâ—has as likewise unto Babylon Chaldea Media Assyria Parthia Syria Phoenicia Arabia Palestina and Alexandria even unto Aethiopia to see the Gymnosophâ—sts the like example have we of Titus Livius whom to see and heare divers studious persons came to Rome from the Confines of France and Spaine I dare not reckon my self in the number oâ— those so excellent persons but well would be called studious and a lover not only oâ— learning but of learned men also and indeed having heard the report of your so inestimable knowledge I have left my countrey my friends my kindred and my house and am come thus farre valuing at nothing the length of the way the tediousnesse oâ— the sea nor strangenesse of the land and that only to see you and to conferre with you about some passages in Philosophy of Geomancie and of the Cabalistick Art whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfie my minde which if you can resolve I yield my self unto you for a slave henceforward together with all my posterity for other gift have I none that I can esteem a recompence sufficient for so great a favour I will reduce them into writing and to morrow publish them to all the learned men in the City that we may dispute publickly before them But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute I will not argue pro contra as do the sottish Sophisters of this town and other places likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academicks by declamation nor yet by numbers as Pythagoras was wont to do and as Picus de la mirandula did of late at Rome but I will dispute by signes only without speaking for the
at the eight he hid it in the fist of his right hand holding it steadily up on high and then began to shake his faire Codpiece shewing it to Thaumast After that Thaumast began to puffe up his two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe and blew as if he had been to puffe up a pigs bladder whereupon Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow by some called St. Patricks hole and with his mouth suck't in the aire in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell or when we sup up our broth this done he opened his mouth somewhat and struck his right hand flat upon it making therewith a great and a deep sound as if it came from the superficies of the midriffe through the trachiartere or pipe of the lungs and this he did for sixteen times but Thaumast did alwayes keep blowing like a goose Then Panurge put the fore-finger of his right hand into his mouth pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof then he drew it out and withal made a great noise as when little boyes shoot pellets out of the pot-canons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an aulder-tree and he did it nine times Then Thaumast cried out Ha my Masters a great secret with this he put in his hand up to the elbow then drew out a dagger that he had holding it by the point downwards whereat Panurge took his long Codpiece and shook it as hard as he could against his thighes then put his two hands intwined in manner of a combe upon his head laying out his tongue as farre as he was able and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die Ha I understand said Thaumast but what making such a signe that he put the haft of his dagger against his breast and upon the point thereof the flat of his hand turning in a little the ends of his fingers whereat Panurge held down his head on the left side and put his middle finger into his right eare holding up his thumb bolt upright then he crost his two armes upon his breast and coughed five times and at the fifth time he struck his right foot against the ground then he lift up his left arme and closing all his fingers into his fist held his thumbe against his forehead striking with his right hand six times against his breast But Thaumast as not content therewith put the thumb of his left hand upon the top of his nose shutting the rest of his said hand whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fingers upon each side of his mouth drawing it as much as he was able and widening it so that he shewed all his teeth and with his two thumbs pluck't down his two eye-lids very low making therewith a very ill-favour'd countenance as it seemed to the company CHAP. XX. How Thaumast relateth the vertues and knowledge of Panurge THen Thaumast rose up and putting off his cap did very kindly thank the said Panurge and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were there My Lords Gentlemen and others at this time may I to some good purpose speak that Evangelical word Et ecce plus quà m Salomon hîc You have here in your presence an incomparable treasure that is my Lord Pantagruel whose great renown hath brought me hither out of the very heart of England to conferre with him about the insoluble problemes both in Magick Alchymie the Caballe Geomancie Astrologie and Philosophie which I had in my minde but at present I am angry even with fame it self which I think was envious to him for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the worth that indeed is in him You have seen how his disciple only hath satisfied me and hath told me more then I asked of him besides he hath opened unto me and resolved other inestimable doubts wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well Fountain and Abysse of the Encyclopedeia of learning yea in such a sort that I did not think I should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signes without speaking either word or half word But in fine I will reduce into writing that which we have said and concluded that the world may not take them to be fooleries and will thereafter cause them to be printed that every one may learne as I have done Judge then what the Master had been able to say seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly for Non est discipulus super Magistrum Howsoever God be praised and I do very humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this Act God reward you for it eternally the like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the company and going from thence he carried Thaumast to dinner with him and beleeve that they drank as much as their skins could hold or as the phrase is with unbottoned bellies for in that age they made fast their bellies with buttons as we do now the colars of our doublets or jerkins even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came Blessed Lady how they did carouse it and pluck as we say at the Kids leather and flaggons to trot and they to toote Draw give page some wine here reach hither fill with a devil so There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty pipes can you tell how even Sicut terra sine aqua for the weather was hot and besides that they were very dry In matter of the exposition of the Propositions set down by Thaumast and the signification of the signes which they used in their disputation I would have set them down for you according to their own relation but I have been told that Thaumast made a great book of it imprinted at London wherein he hath set down all without omitting any thing and therefore at this time I do passe by it CHAP. XXI How Panutge was in love with a Lady of Paris PAnurge began to be in great reputation in the City of Paris by means of this disputation wherein he pre vailed against the English man and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him to which effect he had it pinked with pretty little Embroideries after the Romanesca fashion And the world did praise him publickly in so farre that there was a song made of him which little children did use to sing when they went to fetch mustard he was withal made welcome in all companies of Ladies and Gentlewomen so that at last he became presumptuous and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City and indeed leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations which ordinarily these dolent contemplative Lent-lovers make who never meddle with the flesh one day he said unto her Madam it would be a very great benefit to the
succour the City of his Nativity which was then in danger and indeed within an houre after that the winde arose at the North-north-west wherewith they hoised saile and put out even into the maine sea so that within few dayes passing by Porto Sancto and by the Maderas they went ashore in the Canarie islands parting from thence they passed by Capobianco by Senege by Capoverde by Gambre bâ— Sagres by Melli by the Cap di buona Speranza and set ashore againe in the Kingdom of Melinda parting from thence they sailed away with a tramoutan or northerly winde passing by Meden by Uti by Uden by Gelasim by the isles of the Fairies and alongst the Kingdome of Achorie till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia distant from the City of the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more When they were ashore and pretty well refreshed Panurge said Gentlemen the City is not farre from hence therefore were it not amisse before we set forward to advise well what is to be done that we be not like the Athenians who never took counsel until after the fact Are you resolved to live and die with me Yes Sir said they all and be as confident of us as of your own fingers Well said he there is but one thing that keeps my minde in great doubt and suspense which is this that I know not in what order nor of what number the enemie is that layeth siege to the City for if I were certain of that I should go forward and set on with the better assurance Let us therefore consult together and be think our selves by what meanes we may come to this intelligence whereunto they all said Let us go thither and see and stay you here for us for this very day without further respite do we make account to bring you a certain report thereof My self said Panurge will undertake to enter into their camp within the very midst of their guards unespied by their watch and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost without being known of any to see the Artillery and the Tents of all the Captaines and thrust my self in with a grave and magnifick carriage amongst all their troops and companies without being discovered the devill would not be able to peck me out with all his circumventions for I am of the race of Zopyrus And I said Epistemon know all the plots and stratagems of the valiant Captaines and warlike Champions of former ages together with all the tricks and subtilties of the Art of warre I will go and though I be detected and revealed I will escape by making them beleeve of you whatever I please for I am of the race of Sinon I said Eusthenes will enter and set upon them in their trenches in spight of their Sentries and all their guards for I will tread upon their bellies and break their legs and armes yea though they were every whit as strong as the devil himself for I am of the race of Hercules And I said Carpalin will get in there if the birds can enter for I am so nimble of body and light withal that I shall have leaped over their trenches and ran clean through all their camp before that they perceive me neither do I feare shot nor arrow nor horse how swift soever were he the Pegasus of Persee or Pacolet being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt I will undertake to walk upon the eares of corne of grasse in the meddows without making either of them do so much as bow under me for I am of the race of Camilla the Amazone CHAP. XXV How Panurge Carpalin Eusthenes and Epistemon the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly AS he was speaking this they perceived six hundred and threescore light horsemen gallantly mounted who made an out-rode thither to see what ship it was that was newly arrived in the harbour and came in a full gallop to take them if they had been able Then said Pantagruel my Lads retire your selves unto the ship here are some of our enemies coming apace but I will kill them here before you like beasts although they were ten times so many in the meane time withdraw your selves and take your sport at it Then answered Panurge No Sir there is no reason that you should do so but on the contrary retire you unto the ship both you and the rest for I alone will here discomfit them but we must not linger come set forward whereunto the others said It is well advised Sir withdraw your self and we will help Panurge here so shall you know what we are able to do Then said Pantagruel Well I am content but if that you be too weak I will not faile to come to your assistance With this Panurge took two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstane which was on the deck towards the hatches and fastened them in the ground making a long circuit the one further off the other within that Then said he to Epistemon Go aboard the ship and when I give you a call turn about the capstane upon the orlop diligently drawing unto you the two cable-ropes and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin My Bullies stay you here and offer your selves freely to your enemies do as they bid you and make as if you would yield unto them but take heed you come not within the compasse of the ropes be sure to keep your selves free of them and presently he went aboard the ship and took a bundle of straw and a barrel of gun-powder strowed it round about the compasse of the cordes and stood by with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand Presently came the horsemen with great fury and the foremost ran almost home to the ship and by reason of the slipperinesse of the bank they fell they and their horses to the number of foure and fourty which the rest seeing came on thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival But Panurge said unto them My Masters I beleeve that you have hurt your selves I pray you pardon us for it is not our fault but the slipperinesse of the sea-water that is alwayes flowing we submit our selves to your good pleasure so said likewise his two other fellowes and Epistemon that was upon the deck in the mean time Panurge withdrew himselfe and seeing that they were all within the compasse of the cables and that his two companions were retired making room for all those horses which came in a croud thronging upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it cried out on a sudden to Epistemon Draw draw then began Epistemon to winde about the capstane by doing whereof the two cables so intangled and impestered the legs of the horses that they were all of them thrown down to the ground easily together with
only blow up all their powder Carpalin obeying him departed suddenly and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City and when he had set fire in the tents and pavillions he past so lightly through them and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep that they never perceived him He came to the place where their Artillery was and set their munition on fire but here was the danger the fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt and had it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting pig but he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a Crossebowe could not have had a swifter motion When he was clear of their trenches he shooted aloud and cried out so dreadfully and with such amazement to the hearers that it seemed all the devils of hell had been let loose at which noise the enemies awaked but can you tell how even no lesse astonished then are Monks at the ringing of the first peale to Matins which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock In the mean time Pantagruel began to sowe the salt that he had in his bark and because they slept with an open gaping mouth he filled all their throats with it so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes Ha Pantagruel how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that is in us Suddenly Pantagruel had will to pisse by meanes of the drugs which Panurge had given him and pist amidst the Camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about of such considerable depth that the history saith if his fathers great mare had been there and pist likewise it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge then that of Deucalion for she did never pisse but she made a river greater then is either the Rhosne or the Danow which those that were come out of the City seeing said They are all cruelly slain see how the blood runs along but they were deceived in thinking Pantagruels urine had been the blood of their enemies for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavillions and some small light of the Moon The enemies after that they were awaked seeing on one side the fire in the Camp and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge could not tell what to say nor what to think some said that it was the end of the world and the final judgement which ought to be by fire Others again thought that the sea-gods Neptune Protheus Triton and the rest of them did persecute them for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and salt O who were able now condignely to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants O my Muse my Calliope my Thalia inspire me at this time restore unto me my spirits for this is the Logical bridge of asses here is the pitfall here is the difficultie to have ability enough to expresse the horrible battel that was fought Ah would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical history CHAP. XXIX How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with free stone and Loupgarou their Captain THe Giants seeing all their Camp drowned carried away their King Anarchus upon their backs as well as they could out of the Fort as Aeneas did to his father Anchises in the time of the conflagration of Troy When Panurge perceived them he said to Pantagruel Sir yonder are the Giants coming forth against you lay on them with your mast gallantly like an old Fencer for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave man and an honest And for our part we will not faile you I my self willl kill to you a good many boldly enough for why David killed Goliah very easily and then this great Lecher Eusthenes who is stronger then foure oxen will not spare himself Be of good courage therefore and valiant charge amongst them with point and edge and by all manner of meanes Well said Pantagruel of courage I have more then for fifty francks but let us be wise for Hercules first never undertook against two that is well cack'd well scummered said Panurge do you compare your self with Hercules You have by G more strength in your teeth and more sent in your bum then ever Hercules had in all his body and soule so much is a man worth as he esteems himself Whilest they spake those words behold Lougarou was come with all his Giants who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone was carried away with temerity and presumption for hopes that he had to kill the good man whereupon he said to his companions the Giants You Wenchers of the low countrey by Mahoom if any of you undertake to fight against these men here I will put you cruelly to death it is my will that you let me fight single in the mean time you shall have good sport to look upon us then all the other Giants retired with their King to the place where the flaggons stood and Panurge and his Camerades with them who counterfeited those that have had the pox for he wreathed about his mouth shrunk up his fingers and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them I forsake od fellow souldiers if I would have it to be beleeved that we make any warre at all Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our Masters fight against one another to this the King and Giants joyntly condescended and accordingly made them to banquet with them In the mean time Panurge told them the follies of Turpin the examples of St. Nicholas and the tale of a tub Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel with a mace all of steel and that of the best sort weighing nine thousand seven hundred kintals and two quarterons at the end whereof were thirteen pointed diamonds the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of our Ladies Church at Paris there might want perhaps the thicknesse of a naile or at most that I may not lie of the back of those knives which they call cut-lugs or eare-cutters but for a little off or on more or lesse it is no matter and it was inchanted in such sort that it could never break but contrarily all that it did touch did break immediately Thus then as he approached with great fiercenesse and pride of heart Pantagruel casting up his eyes to heaven recommended himself to God with all his soule making such a Vow as followeth O thou Lord God who hast alwayes been my Protectour and my Saviour thou seest the distresse wherein I am at this time nothing brings me hither but a natural zeale which thou hast permitted unto mortals to keep and defend themselves their wives and children countrey and family in case thy own proper
long marched that at last I came into his mouth but oh gods and goddesses what did I see there Iupiter confound me with his trisulk lightning if I lie I walked there as they do in Sophie and Constantinople and saw there great rocks like the mountains in Denmark I beleeve that those were his teeth I saw also faire meddows large forrests great and strong Cities not a jot lesse then Lyons or Poictiers the first man I met with there was a good honest fellow planting coleworts whereat being very much amazed I asked him My friend what dost thou make here I plant coleworts said he But how and wherewith said I Ha Sir said he every one cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar neither can we be all rich thus do I get my poor living and carry them to the market to sell in the City which is here behinde Jesus said I is there here a new world Sure said he it is never a jot new but it is commonly reported that without this there is an earth whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a Sunne and a Moone and that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities but yet this is more ancient then that Yea but said I my friend what is the name of that City whither thou carriest thy Coleworts to sell It is called Alpharage said he and all the indwellers are Christians very honest men and will make you good chear To be brief I resolved to go thither Now in my way I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons of whom I asked My friend from whence come these pigeons Sir said he they come from the other world then I thought that when Pantagruel yawned the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks thinking that it had been a pigeon-house Then I went into the City which I found faire very strong and seated in a good airâ— but at my entry the guard demanded of me my passe or ticket whereat I was much astonished and asked them My Masters is there any danger of the plague here O Lord said they they die hard by here so fast that the cart runs about the streets Good God! said I and where whereunto they answered that it was in Larinx and Phaerinx which are two great Cities such as Rowen and Nants rich and of great trading and the cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which lately vapoured out of the abismes whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this sevennight then I considered calculated and found that it was a rank and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruels stomack when he did eat so much garlick as we have aforesaid Parting from thence I past amongst the rocks which were his teeth and never left walking till I got up on one of them and there I found the pleasantest places in the world great large tennis-Courts faire galleries sweet meddows store of Vines and an infinite number of banqueting summer out-houses in the fields after the Italian fashion full of pleasure and delight where I stayed full foure moneths and never made better cheer in my life as then After that I went down by the hinder teeth to comt to the chaps but in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forrest that is in the territory towards the eares then after a little further travelling I fell upon a pretty petty village truly I have forgot the name of it where I was yet merrier then ever and got some certain money to live by can you tell how by sleeping for there they hire men by the day to sleep and they get by it six pence a day but they that can snort hard get at least nine pence How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the Senators who told me that in very truth the people of that side were bad livers and naturally theevish whereby I perceived well that as we have with us the Countreys cisalpin and transalpine that is behither and beyond the mountains so have they there the Countreys cidentine and tradentine that is behither and beyond the teeth but it is farre better living on this side and the aire is purer There I began to think that it is very true which is commonly said that the one half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth seeing none before my self had ever written of that Countrey wherein are above five and twenty Kingdomes inhabited besides deserts and a great arme of the sea concerning which purpose I have composed a great book intituled The History of the Throttias because they dwell in the throat of my Master Pantagruel At last I was willing to return and passing by his beard I cast my self upon his shoulders and from thence slid down to the ground and fell before him assoon as I was perceived by him he asked me Whence comest thou Alcâ—sribas I answered him Out of your mouth my Lord and how long hast thou been there said he Since the time said I that you went against the Almirods That is about six moneths ago said he and wherewith didst thou live what didst thou drink I answered My Lord of the same that you did and of the daintiest morsels that past through your throat I took toll Yea but said he where didst thou shite In your throat my Lord said I Ha ha thou art a merry fellow said he We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes I will give thee the Chastelleine or Lairdship of Salmigondin Grammercy my Lord said I you gratifie me beyond all that I have deserved of you CHAP. XXXIII How Pantagruel became sick and the manner how he was recovered A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick and had such an obstruction in his stomack that he could neither eate nor drink and because mischief seldome comes alone a hot pisse seised on him which tormented him more then you would beleeve His Physicians neverthelesse helped him very well and with store of lenitives and diuretick drugs made him pisse away his paine his urine was so hot that since that time it is not yet cold and you have of it in divers places of France according to the course that it took and they are called the hot Baths as At Coderets At Limous At Dast At Ballervie At Nerie At Bourbonansie and elsewhere in Italic At Mongros At Appone At Sancto Petro de Adua At St. Helen At Casa Nuova At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne At the Lorrette and a thousand other places And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians who spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh whether it be by reason of Borax or sulphur or allum or salt-peter that is within the mine for they do nothing but dote and better were it for them to rub their arse against
in the middle of the streets this was a renewing of the golden age in the time of Saturn so good was the cheere which then they made But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate and Common Councel-men of the town said My Masters we must now strike the iron whilest it is hot it is therefore my will that before we frolick it any longer we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes to which effect let those that will go with me provide themselves against to morrow after drinking for then will I begin to march not that I need any more men then I have to help me to conquer it for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already but I see this City is so full of inhabitants that they scarce can turn in the streets I will therefore carry them as a Colonie into Dipsodie and will give them all that Countrey which is fair wealthie fruitful and pleasant above all other Countreys in the world as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore every one of you therefore that will go along let him provide himself as I have said This counsel and resolution being published in the City the next morning there assembled in the piazza before the Palace to the number of eighteen hundred fifty six thousand and eleven besides women and little children thus began they to marcâ— straight into Dipsodie in such good order as did the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to passe over the red-sea But before we proceed any further in this purpose I will tell you how Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus for having remembred that which Epistemon had related how the Kings and rich men in this world were used in the Elysian fields and how they got their living there by base and ignoble trades he therefore one day apparelled his King in a pretty little canvass doublet all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light horsemans cap togethet with a paire of large Mariners breeches and stockins without shoes For said he they would but spoile his sight and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capons feather in it I lie for I think he had two and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and green in French called pers vert saying that such a livery did become him well for that he had alwayes been perverse and in this plight bringing him before Pantagruel said unto him Do you know this royster No indeed said Pantagruel It is said Panurge my Lord the King of the three batches or thread-bare sovereign I intend to make him an honest man These devillish Kings which we have here are but as so many calves they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs to their poor subjects and to trouble all the world with warre for their unjust and detestable pleasure I will put him to a trade and make him a Crier of green sauce Go to begin and cry Do you lack any green sauce and the poor devil cried That is too low said Panurge then took him by the eare saying Sing higher in Gesolreut So so poor devil thou hast a good throat thou wert never so happy as to be no longer King and Pantagruel made himself merry with all this for I dare boldly say that he was the best little gafer that was to be seen between this and the end of a staffe Thus was Anarchus made a good Crier of green sauce two dayes thereafter Panurge married him with an old Lanterne-carrying Hag and he himselfe made the wedding with fine sheeps-heads brave haslets with mustard gallant salligots with garlick of which he sent five horse-loads unto Pantagruel which he ate up all he found them so appetizing and for their drink they had a kinde of small well-watered wine and some sorbapple-cider and to make them dance he hired a blinde man that made musick to them with a windbroach After dinner he led them to the Palace and shewed them to Pantagruel and said pointing to the married woman You need not feare that she will crack Why said Pantagruel Because said Panurge she is well slit and broke up already What do you mean by that said Pantagruel Do not you see said Panurge that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire if they be whole they crack as if they were mad and to keep them from cracking they make an incision in them and slit them so this new Bride is in her lower parts well slit before and therefore will not crack behinde Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce and in this manner did they do their little businesse he being as pretty a Crier of green sauce as ever was seene in the Countrey of Utopia but I have been told since that his wife doth beat him like plaister and the poor sot dare not defend himself he is so simple CHAP. XXXII How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole Army and what the Author saw in his mouth THus as Pantagruel with all his Army had entered into the Countrey of the Dipsodes every one was glad of it and incontinently rendred themselves unto him bringing him out of their own good wills the Keyes of all the Cities where he went the Almirods only excepted who being resolved to hold out against him made answer to his Heraulds that they would not yield but upon very honourable and good conditions What said Pantagruel do they ask any better termes then the hand at the pot and the glasse in their fist Come let us go sack them and put them all to the sword then did they put themselves in good order as being fully determined to give an assault but by the way passing through a large field they were overtaken with a great shower of raine whereat they began to shiver and tremble to croud presse and thrust close to one another When Pantagruel saw that he made their Captains tell them that it was nothing and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be nothing but a little dew but howsoever that they should put themselves in order and he would cover them then did they put themselves in a close order and stood as near to other as they could and Pantagruel drew out his tongue only half-wayes and covered them all as a hen doth her chickens In the mean time I who relate to you these so veritable stories hid my self under a burdock-leafe which was not much lesse in largenesse then the arch of the bridge of Montrible but when I saw them thus covered I went towards them to shelter my self likewise which I could not do for that they were so as the saying is At the yards end there is no cloth left Then as well as I could I got upon it and went along full two leagues upon his tongue and so