PASQVILS IESTES Mixed with Mother Bunches Merriments Whereunto is added a Bakers doozen of Gulles Very prettie and pleasant to driue away the tediousnesse of a Winters EVENING Newly Corrected with new Additions LONDON Printed for Iohn Browne and are to be sold at his Shop in Saint Dunstones Church-yard in Fleetestreete 1609. PASQVILS IESTES And Mother BVNCHES Merriments A merrie Iest of a Blind man and a Cripple THere were two Beggers I meane not of the Court but meaner creatures of the Citie that had no meanes to kéepe life and limbes together but by the charitable almes of exorable people the one being youthfull and blind the other very aged and lame and such persons are seldome admitted into the great chamber much lesse into the Kings presence This blindman alwaies when he went abroad carried the cripple on his shoulders to direct him so likewise the cripple opprest with his infirmities could not trauell without supportance Now it was the lame mans lucke one day about one of the clock after dinner being borne by his blind fellow through Fléetstréete to cast his eye on a great Oyster which lay on the ground néere the Miter doore where some Oyster seller sitting as their custome is belike had let it fall from her basket and therupon he directed his fellow porter to stoope and take it vp which done they fell into controuersie about it the one saying he deserued it best because hee saw it and guided the others hand to it the other answered y t he had most right to it because he brought him thither tooke the paines to take it vp and while they were thus wrangling a poore Lawyer comming out of Ram alley with his seacole beard embrodered with grease like the snowt of a Mastiue new lifted out of the porredge pot and vnderstanding the cause of their falling out my honest friends quoth my Lawyer pray let me sée your Oyster and you shall sée me quickly end this variance the blind man deliuered the shelfish vnto the Lawyer who hauing fingred it forthwith drew forth his rusty whittle laid the Seabred animal vpon his knée and diuiding his house into two parts gaue the one to the blind the other to the lame and deuoured the inhabitant himselfe the old cripple séeing that cried out now the Deuill goe with it and the Lawyer remoued himselfe into the Tauerne from his eye and clamors Wherupon the blind lame bearer being aduertised of the iest wisht it might poyson or choake him and so departed So Lawyers often get their gold with curses and to their Clients share leaues empty purses A tale of a Scriuener of London and a Countreyman IT fell out vpon a Satterday being market day that a Country fellow of the better sort of husbandry came to London to lay out a little money vpon some necessarie trinkets and hauing dispatched his busines after he had pretely refreshed his spirits with a pot of the best that the Ale-house could afford him made homewards very merily but by the way casting his eye by chance vpon a kind of writer that would haue kept a Scriueners shop and séeing the master of the poore house or the poore master of the house sitting alone in a rugge gowne wrapping in his armes to auoyd the bitternesse of the weather minding to make himselfe a little sport fell thus to salute the poore Pen-man I pray you master what might you sell in your shop that you haue so many ding-dongs hang at your doore Why my friend quoth the Obligation-maker I sel nothing but Logger-heads By my fay master quoth the Country man you haue made a faire market with them for you haue left but one in your shop that I sée and so laughing went his way leauing much good sport to them that heard him A pretty Tale of a poore man and a Lawyer A Poore man hauing béene much iniured by an vnkind neighbour who by the power of his purse would haue put him by the right of his land went to a Lawyer dwelling not farre off to whom hauing deliuered his griefe hee gaue litte for his Counsell but a great many thankes and country curtesies with God saue his life and so forth intreating him to let him know when hee should againe wait vpon him for his further aduise Who answered him somewhat short When you will neighbour when you will The poore man vpon this when you wil came oftentimes afterward to him but found no will in him to speake with him Whereupon the poore man telling his wife of his ill hap was aduised by her to take one of his best lambes and present it vnto him and then hée should sée what would follow her counsell he followed tooke his lambe and went to the Lawyer to whose gate hee was no sooner come but the Lawyer hearing the bleating of the lambe opening his window called him vp and within two words told him hee vnderstood his case and all should be well wherwith he departed méeting with his wife going to the market After they had béene at the Alehouse and taken a pot or two the poore man got him vp into the market place and there hauing his throat well cleared made this mad out-crie All ye that haue any matters to trie in law get yee euery one a fat lambe and cary to your Lawyer for one word of a lambes mouth will be better vnderstood of the Lawyer and doe more good then twenty of your owne Probatum Of a Citizen of London that â—id out of the 〈◊〉 fiue miles A Citizen riding to Edmonton had his man following him on foot who came so neare that the horse slrake him a great blow on the thigh The fellow thinking to be reuenged tooke vp a great stone to throw at the horse and hit his master on the raynes of the backe Within a while his master looked backe and séeing his man come halting so farre behind chid him Sir your horse hath giuen me such a blow quoth his man on the thigh that I can goe no faster Truely said his master the horse is a great kicker for likewise with his héele right now he gaue me a great stroke on the raynes of my backe when it was his man that threw the stone A pretie tale of a Complaynant that cryed to a Iudge for iustice yet refused it when it was offered him ONe Dromo a certaine Tiler sitting vpon the ridge of a house laying on certaine roofe tiles looking back and reaching somewhat too farre for a little morter that lay by him fell backward and by good hap fell vpon a man that was sitting vnder the house whome with his fall he brused to death but thereby saued his owne life Not many dayes after a sonne of the dead mans caused this man to bee apprehended for murther and hauing him before the Iudge cried vnto him for Iustice who asking of the prisoner what he could say for himselfe receiued this answere Truely Sir I neuer thought the man any hurt neither
did I thinke to fall but since it was my hap to hit vpon him to saue my life if it please your Lordship I am contented that hee shall haue Iustice for my selfe I had no malice to his father though I sée hee hath a great deale to me let him doe his worst I care not I aske no fauour let him goe vp to the top of the house where I sate and I will sit where his Father sate let him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can and fall vpon mee to saue his life I will bee contented The Iudge séeing the mans Innocency in intent of any euill to the man whome hee had slaine willed the Complaynant to take this course for his contentment which hee refusing was dismissed the Court and the Prisoner thus by his witte released How a Merchant lost his purse betweene Waltam and London A Marchant that trauelled betwéene Ware and London lost his budget wherein was a hundred pound who caused to proclaime in all villages and market townes that who so had found the same and would restore it againe should haue twenty pounds for his paines An honest husbandman that chanced to find it brought it to the Baylife of Ware and required his twenty pounds for his paines when he deliuered it When the couetous Marchant vnderstood this and that he must néedes pay twenty pound for the finding of it hee said there was an hundred and twenty pound in the Budget and so would haue had his owne money and twenty pound ouer So long they stroue that the matter was brought before a Iustice When the Iustice vnderstood by the Baylife that the crie was made for a Budget with an hundred pound in it he demaunded where it was Héere quoth the Baylife and gaue it him Is it iust an hundred pound quoth the Iustice Yes quoth the Baylife Hold quoth the Iustice to him that found the budget take thou this money to thy vse and if thou happen to finde a budget with a hundred and twenty pound bring it to this honest Marchant man It is mine I lost no more but a hundreth pound quoth y e Marchant You speake now too late quoth the Iustice for your couetousnesse hath beguiled your selfe A Iest sauing your reuerence worth the laughing at IN a Citie I find not where met a company I know not who and about I know not what but after that they had laid their heades together to conclude vpon a thing of nothing as the vse is of such kind of people fearing to surfet of fasting they got them to dinner where when their bellies were full of Wine their braines set their tongues to worke about wonders and hauing made a great noise to little purpose they fell to questioning among themselues what was the rarest thing in the world One hee said the Phenix because there was but one and she killed herselfe and liued againe of her owne ashes Another saide A Diamond because it would write in glasse Another said A Parrat because it would speake like a man Another said A true friend the world was so ful of falshood Another said Gold for that it wrought wonders in the world And another said Loue because it robbed wise men of their wits But while they did thus differ in their opinions one plaine Asse-headed foole being willing to say his mind vpon a sudden falling into a laughing told them they were all wide for he knew a rarer thing then al they which they desiring to know he told them it was a swéetarse hole Whereat euery one holding themselues by the nose left off their talke and laughing at the foole rose from the table A Parson being summoned to appeare personally at London to answere vnto diuers faults by him Committed A Parson of Bedfordshyre being summond to appeare personally in the Spiritual Court at London because contrary to the exhortation of Saint Paule he had committed fornication or in plaine English had gotten a wench with child for fornication is deriued of the Latine word Fornicatio and Latine he was little acquainted with as many are of his function in Country Villages where the Shepheard must pipe a plaine song or the Sheepish flocke can neuer dance to it being better Lanists then Latinists This illiterate parson being Cited I say to shew his proper person in this courte of Carnalitie obeyd the officers Citation and considering with himselfe that he should vse and expend good store of money in bribes I would say necessarie fées when this day of doome drew néere he tooke the summe of twenty pound of lawfull English money as the Scriueners phrase is out of his yron-garded chest and causd it to be sowd vp in a Gooses belly in stead of her intrails of which with her head wings and feathers shee was lately depriued and so sent it sow'd fast in an old Napkin full of holes to the Carrier that he séeing the coate might not suspect the lining and gaue his man this lesson also that hee should giue the Carrier great charge of it and enforme him that it was only a Goose with the appurtenance hoping by that fabulous information to be merry with his Goose at London paying only for the Carriage of that Goose and so receiue his twenty pound scot-frée Now his man went and carried the Goose to the carrier with spéech agréeable to his masters direction the Carrier tooke it and perceiuing by the ponderousnesse or strang weight that there was more then a bare Goose in the cloth concealed his suspition promising that it should be safely conueied And thereupon the seruant returned to his master To be short the Parson with his man within a few daies after being come to London hee sent his man to fetch this counterfeit commoditie his man went and demanded it of the Carrier offering a groat for the carriage The Carrier holding it a presumptuous part to rip open the cloth and take a large view of the contents told the fellow that one of the Kings Takers met him on the way and tooke it away with many other things of other mens The Parsons messenger being loaden with this coynd answere ranne backe and made his master a partaker of it his master being almost astonied at so cold and vnexpected a message yet stird vp with furious wrath and feare of such a losse started from his chaire where he sate meditating vpon his transgression and throwing his cloake nastely vpon his shoulders the wrong side outward ran out of doores like an Oxe that had broke loose from the Axe of the Butcher and neuer discontinued his course till he came to the Inne where encountring the Carrier hee demaunded his goose offering a groat for the carriage alas Sir quoth the Carrier the goose sauing your worship was as I told your man taken from mee by the Kings taker By the Kings taker quoth the Parson the Kings taker thou his partaker I beléeue haue done more then is answerable there was
litle money spending to returne home with a budget full of newes met by chance with an odde wagge cousin Germane to a Page who finding his humor and meaning to fit him in his kinde fell into this honest kinde of parlee with him Oh old huddle and twang what newes in the countrey that you are come to towne hast thou beene at a play yet Yea qd the good clowne that I haue two or three But Sirra what newes where you keepe I am sure you heare all the world No great newes quoth the wag but onely of the huge great lifting dogge that came lately out of Barbary they take but two pence a peece of euery one that seeth him hee is at the signe of the Carnation Hedgehog in Westminster neere to the Gatehouse goe thither when thou wilt in my name and thou shalt see him for a penny the poore Asse little mistrusting the boyes waggery went in al haste seeking for such a signe as was not to be found But being demanded wherefore he sought one of the Pages coparteners in his tricks told him if he would giue him but a quart of wine he would bring him to the Dog The fellow weary with seeking for the Carnation Hedgehogge was contented for the abridging of his further trauile to giue him both wine and sugar with such appurtenances as cost his purse aboue an ordinarie Which done and the shot payed out this youngster lead this little wit from one lane to another till hauing traced most streets to be thought vpon at last he brought him out of the townes end to a poore womans house that kept a little Iseland curr whom shewing vnto this good Goose Looke you quoth he he lifts vp his taile so high that you may kisse his arse if you list and with those words laughing ran away crying Oh Gull Gull get thee home into the countrey and carry news of the lifting Dogge The seuenth Gull for the Pigges that were Hennes TRauailing vpon the way to London out of what countrey I know not a certaine pretty quick witted fellow ouertooke a company of horsemen who to passe away the time fell to talke of such things as came in their heads Some of horses some hawkes some hounds some hares and some connies but towards their iourneys end they fell to talking of wonders each one recounting what he had séene Some the long ditch at Newmarket other the stones by Salisburie and some the top of Powles and other of the Lions in the Tower but among all this the youth in a basket that ouertooke the company began to tell of a most miraculous thing that hee had seene and that but two nights before that in a towne some fortie miles behinde him at the signe of the whip and the Eg-shell he did sée twelue pigges in a yard going by two Sowes and in the morning they were all hennes Many séemed to wander at it and the more at his sober protesting of his truth in his tale Wherevpon one simple man of the company desirous to carry newes home of such things as he had seene abroad desired this fellow at his comming backe againe to beare him company to that towne and into his way backe againe and he would beare part of his charges for his kindnesse This being betwixt themselues agréed vpon their businesse being dispatched together they rid home together where being well dried after a wet iourney going to supper they had one of the pigges well rosted in his house whose name was henne and in the morning asking for these henne Pigges hee shewed him all the rest Wherewith finding himselfe sweetly deceiued ashamed to tell the world how hee was abused like a good poore Gull got him out of the countrey The eight Gull vpon the Gardens IT fell vpon a time much about Sturbridge faire that many madde people minding to throw away a little money for lacke of company in the citie would needs go make merry in the countrey among whom was one ially lustie wench that had made herselfe fat with good ale and laughing This peece of houshould-stuffe beeing hostesse of I know not what Inne say her husband what he list would make one among her friends and being some thrée or fourescore miles out of London in a countrey market Towne where were some such girles as thought their pennies good siluer and their ware worth money After they had béene merrie some few daies and almost emptied a poore tauerne of all his runlets inquiring as the fashion is after newes this good mistris falling to her turne to talke of wonders told them that one of the greatest wonders that euer she saw or heard of was of late in the citie done by a stranger touching Gardens and the preseruation of flowers for she had seene it with her eyes that he had taught diuers how to take in their gardens euery night at their windows and let them out againe euery morning Which thing the neighbours that came with her seemed to sooth vp that they had heard of the like but they had neuer seene it But she with solemne othes stil affirmed that shee had seene it and could bring them to it While they all gaue eare vnto it one chiefe woman of the company who had her purse well lyned and cared not for to spend a little money for the satisfying of her humor vpon a beliefe of her solemne protestations told her that if she might be assured to come to the sight of that she spake of she would take some of her neighbours with her and she would beare her company backe to London To be short the matter was agréed vpon the wonder was beléeued the day appointed for their iourney and together they came to London where they lay all at her house had good chéere and payed well for it But after that they had gone abroad with the hostesse to sée sights Cheapeside the Exchange Westminster and London bridge had trode the top of Powles vnder their féet béene at Beare garden séene a play and had made a tauerne banquet looking into their purses for to discharge their expences were willing to sée this strange sight of these Gardens which she had daily promised to bring them to but still making excuse that they were in the countrey and not yet come to London againe that had such gardens to be seene in the end brought them into a little lane whereout at a garret window shee shewed them a poore widdow setting on t certaine boords and vpon them certaine earthen pots in which were diuers kindes of flowers and herbes as Gillyflowers Carnations and such like The woman séeing her selfe with her company mocked with this iest made little shew of anger but séemed to laugh it out and with this tricke of mistris Hestesse to gather some money with her wit tooke a Gull with her into the countrey to féede a soole when shee found him The ninth Gull that wisht for the wood AMong madde countrey wenches that when