runs on wheeles or that the sea May be drunke off by a shole of Whales such things You know there are in nature Hold. O far stranger Thoro. Peace you booke-worme Fit only to devour more paper then A thousand grand tobacco men or a legion Of boyes in pellets to their elderne gunnes Dost thinke to live this life still you 're not now Amongst your eues at Cambridge but in London Come up to see your mistris beautious Clare The glory of the city goe and court her As does become a gentleman of carriage Without your Tropes and figures Inkehorne termes Fit only for a Mountebanke or Pedant Or all your Physickes Metaphysickes and Meteors Tomes larger farre and more repleate with lies Then Surius Gallo-Belgcus or the welsh Bard Geffrey Monmouth shal be straight-way made Pitifull Martyrs Hold. Why cosen I had thought Thoro. Thy selfe an errant ideot that 's the fittest Thought for thy braine more dull then a fat Burgers Or reverend countrey justices whose wit Lies in his spruce clearkes standish thou wert begot Surely i th' wane o th' Moone when natures tooles Were at lame Vulcans forge a sharpening thou art so lumpish Trist. He has already spoyld His eyes with prying on Geneva prints And small dutch Characters his watching makes him Looke like a grand-child of old Errapaters Some leane Astronomer who to get ten shillings For that 's a large price for an Almanacke Has wasted himselfe to the bignesse of his Iacobs staffe Which is so limber 't cannot stand to take height of Venus rising Thoro. He sayes truth besides your study has attain'd already Learning enough to informe your minde the knowledge Of arts fit for a gentleman wert not better For you my sprightfull senior to advance Your bever with a hatband of the last Edition in the Court among the noblest Youthes of our nation then to walke like Faustus Or some high German conjurer in a cap Fit for a Coster-monger to weare your purle Or cut worke band then this small slip of linning That 's proper only for Tom Thum or some of queen Mabs gentlemen-ushers Trist. This Cassocke were a pretty garment for a fortuneteller Thoro And this cloake of tinder comely for a ballad-seller Life sir you are borne here to an ample fortune Your father absent knowes not how you 've altered Your disposition I must reclayme it Thou shalt with me and court the beauteous Clare Reserv'd for thee a purpose i th' meane time Our chiefe companions shall be wits more pure Then your quicke sophisters or slie logicians Wee 'l talke of the bright beauties of the age Girles whose each looke deserves to be a theme For all the nimble poets two dayes practise In our brave arts will teach thee to forget Philosophy as fruitlesse and abjure All other Ethicks but what 's usd mongst us as most erronious Hold. Well You shall perswade me I le be an errant asse or any thing For thy sake coz but shall we have such wenches As are at Cambridge hansome as peg Larkin Thoro. O farre before her cosen thou shalt read Aretius Politicks and Ovids Art Shall be new read thee and wee will refine Thy Academicke wit with bowles of wine Hold. Tristram shall toth ' Colledge and sell my bookes immediately Thoro. Speake like the son of Phoebus and my cosen Trist. My studious master Thoro. Sell thy Dictionary Hold. I le not keepe a prayer booke Thoro. They are out of fashion Hold. Nor a Calender to looke the age o th' Moone in Trist be sure You burne Greens groats worth of wit I scorne to keepe The name of wit about me Trist. T is confest sir but for the numerous Rhemes of paper which Are pil'd up in your study give them mee I have a brother in law i th' towne 's a cooke I le give them him to put under his bake meates Hold. Take them I will not leave a pen within my lodging I will forget to write or set my hand to any thing Thoro. Unlesse 't be to a bond Hold. I le goe put this blest designe in execution Cosen anon I le meet you at your chamber Thoro. What in that reverend shape the gentlemen That I converse with will believe thee some Itinerant Scholler have thee whipt by th' statute Hold. I would be loath now I am past a fresh man to bee had into the buttries Thoro. Still them termes study to forget them I le send my Man to you with a new suite of mine I never wore yet Be sure to put it on right you mere Schollers Know no degree of garment above Serge Or Satanisco tie your band-strings neatly And doe not eat the buttons off put not Your Cuffs both on one hand t will tax your judgement Of new inventing fashions when accoustred Come to my chamber and I le furnish you With language fit to accost your mistris Hold. Rare I 've got more learning from him in halfe an houre Then in a whole lifes practise out of bookes Follow me Tristram farewell deare cosen Ex. Hold Trist. Thoro. How I could laugh now were my spleen large enough a Hundred such lame stupid Ideots were enough if marry'd To precise Burgers daughters to replenish The city with a race of fooles and root The stocke of knaves quite out of it he loves books Not that he has a scruple more of learning Then will suffice him to say grace but like Some piteous cowards who are oft thought valiant For keeping store of weapons in their chambers He loves to be esteem'd a doctor by His volumnes but I shall fit his schollership whos 's these Alderman Covets Formall by th' proportion Ent. Formal and Clare That rib of mans flesh should be Clare dost heare My honest Cadis garters who for care And close attendance on thy charge deserves To be grand porter to the great Turkes Seraglia how hight that vayl'd damsell Form She has been at Brittains burse a buying pins needle To worke a night-cap for my master sir Thor. Pox upon him is not her name Clare niece to Alderman Covets For. Her father was a country Squire of large revenew and her mother Thoro. I shall be forc'd to heare him blaze her pedigree I de beat him but that clubs and paring shovells o th' city Would be so busie about my eares they 'd spoyle My hearing two months after Gentle Lady Pardon my error if I doe mistake are not you mistris Clare Clar. Formall at last would have resolv'd you and I held my Peace of purpose cause I knew his slow discovery would vex Your nimble patience Tho. You are a Gipsie but does thy unkles humour hold of wedding His daughter to sir Timothy Clar. Yes or to young monsieur Holdfast whom he sayes is Learned enough to make Cheap-side a Colledge And all the City a new Academy but have you Thorowgood perform'd what I advis'd you to Thoro. Yes my girle good Formall use thy motion to convay Thy ears a little farther off there
's mony To buy thee a new payre of garters Clare Thou shalt no more behold me in the garbe And noble ornament I us'd to weare my fashion shall be altred Clar. To the scholars Young Holdfasts likenesse Thoro. O by all meanes girle thou shalt behold this comely hat transform'd To frugall brim and steeple crowne this band Of faire extent chang'd to a moderne cut Narrower then a precisians all this gay And gawdy silke I will convert to Serge Of limber length like some spruce student newly Exalted for saying grace well to be fellow o th' Colledge he had studied I will Salute thy reverent Uncles spectacles And without feare of his gold chaine I le woe thee In metaphores and tropes Scholastick till The doting Senator with a liberall hand give Thee his dainty darling to become my spouse inseparable Clar. This suites well with my directions Thoro. True girle true farewell Clare I kisse thy white hand Sir resume your charge I 've done my errand let not your old Sir Amiar Know of this conference if you doe that twist Of spinners thred on which your life depends Exe. Clare Formall Shall be shorne off like a horse mane Farewell Form Mans life indeed is but a thred good day sir Ent. Valentine Sir Timothy Thor. Attend your charge friend Valentine Sir Timothy You 'r well incountred may I inquire the affaire Which happily has brought you up toth ' City Thoro. May I know it is 't not to purchase a Monopoly For Salt and Herrings for state businesse Unlesse it be to see the great new ship Or Lincolns Inne fields built I 'me sure you none here Tim. Very right sir Thor. But for thee my noble man of merit thou art welcome Wee l be as kind to one another boy And witty as brisque poets in their wine Wee l court the blacke browd beauties of the time And have by them the height of our desires with ease accomplished Val. Noble Thorowgood Did I not owne you by the name of friend Already these indearments would ingage me to beg that title Tim. Very right and me too I know you for the most Egregious knight In all the country Thor. You sir you 've reason Tim. Very right I am indeed esteem'd so Thor. One that live on Onions and Corne-sallets Tim. Right agen Sure he can conjure I had one to my breakefast Thor. Nay no Herald Can better blase your pedigree I 've heard Your father my most worthy knight was one That died a knave to leave you so Tim. Passing right still Thor. And pray right witty and right honor'd sir What may your businesse seeme to be i th' city Are you come up to learne new fashions Tim. Exceeding right agen Thor. To change this ancient garment to a new one Of a more spruce edition Val. Yes but before For I am privie unto all 's intentions He means to see and court his mistris Thor. Who 's that my doughty Impe of spur and sword Some faire Dulcina de Toboso Val. No t is Grace daughter to Alderman Covet Thor. I doe commend thee my deare Don and will Be thy assistant goe and see thy horse drest And then approach my chamber Tim. Very right I kisse your fingers end Ex. Timothy Thor. Doe you Valentine know The Lady he intends to Court Val. Onely by report Which speakes her most accomplish'd Thor. Oh she 'll make An excellent Asse of him she has a wit More sharpe and piercing than a Waspes sting she speaks All fire each word is able to burne up A thousand such poore Mushromes had her mother Not beene held honest I should have believ'd She 'd bin some Courtiers By-blow or that some Quicke Poet got her Val. How 's her feature Thor. Rare past expression singular her eyes The very sphears of love her cheeks his throne Her lips his paradise and then her minde Js farre more excellent than her shape Val. You give her a brave Character is 't possible To have a sight of her Tho. Yes by my means scarce otherwise wilt thou have her Speake but a syllable 't shall be perform'd As sure as if Don Hymen in his robes Had ratifi'd the contract Val. You are merry sir Thor. When didst thou know me otherwise yet now In sober sadnesse friend couldst thou affect A woman as there 's few of them worth loving Thou canst not make a nobler choise I le bring thee On to the skirmish but if thou retreat Beat backe by th' hot Artillery of her wit Which will play fast upon thee maist thou live To be enamour'd on some stale Hay or Matron Of fourescore that may congeale thee to a frost Sooner than forty winters or be wed To an insatiat Chamber-maid Val. Defend me From thy last curse feare not my valour Thor. This foole shall serve both her and us for sport Le ts to our taske and if our project hit I le sweare all fortune is compris'd in wit Exeunt Explicit Actus primus Actus secundus Scena prima Covet Clara Maudlin Cov. YOu will provoke me Clar. No matter Although you be my uncle and so nature Binds me to observe you I le not be oblig'd To what the phlegmaticke humour of your age Strives to enforce upon me I was borne Free an inheritresse to an ample fortune Of which you doe pervert the use and trust me I le be no longer tame and suffer it Cov. Suffer what you 're us'd Too well if you complaine of this I shall Study to be more harsh Clar. Doe you shall not as you had wont Thinke to attire me in blacke Grogram Daub'd o're with Sattin lace as if I were Daughter and heire apparent to a Tayler Who from the holiday Gownes of sixe neat fish-wives Had stole the remnants made the thrifty garment Nor shal you sir as t is a frequent custome Cause you 're a worthy Alderman of a Ward Feed me with Custard and perpetuall White-broth Sent from the Lord Majors or the Shriefes feast And here preserv'd ten dayes as t were in pickle Till a new dinner from the common hall Supply the large defect Cov. You 'll leave this language Clar. Leave to use me so then Y 'ave made my selfe your daughter and my woman Sup with a penyworth of Lettice under Pretence 't would make us sleep well your full morsells Had not the vertue of Clay wall and Oatmeale Preserv'd my maid ere this she 'd bin shrunk up Toth ' bignesse of a Squirrill Maud. Any Dwarfe might without stretching his small fingers have Spand me about the waste Clar. Nor shall you As sure t is your intention marry me To th' quondam fore-man of your shop exalted To be your Cash-keeper a limber fellow Fit onely for deare Nan his schoole-fellow A Grocers daughter borne in Bread-street with Whom he has used to goe to Pimblico And spend ten groats in Cakes and Christian Ale And by the way has courted her with fragments Stoln from the learned Legends of Knights
Daughter both come hither Thor. One at once sir T will satisfie the Canon does prohibit Us Polygamy Enter Clara Gray Cov. Sir this is my onely daughter this my neece Pray know them better Thor. Faire types nay Orbs of beauty J salute you Each in his proper altitude Graie Heyday this is some Fortune-teller Clare T is Thorowgood you must not seeme to know him Cov. Daughter and Neece this is a gentleman My care has pick'd out as a most fit husband For one of you which he can soonest fancy Heare him but speake and he will put you downe Ten Universities and Jnnes of Court Jn twentie sillables Good Mr. Holdfast Speake learnedly to th' wenches though J say 't They have both good capacities Thor. Most rubicund stelliferous splendant Ladyes The ocular faculties by which the beames Of love are darted into every soule Or humane essence have into my breast Convey'd this Ladies lustre and J can Admire no other object therefore beauty Your pardon if J onely doe addresse In termes Scholasticke and in Metaphors My phrase to her Graie J shall not Envy my Cosens happinesse Thor. Y' are full of Candor Jf you will love me Lady I le approach your eares Not in a garbe Domesticke or termes vulgar But hourely change my language court you now In the Chaldean or Arabicke tongues Expound the Talmud to you and the Rabbines Then read the Dialect of the Alanits Or Ezion Gebor which the people use Five leagues beyond the Sun-rising in stead Of pages to attend you I will bring Sects of Philosophers and queint Logicians Wee l Procreat by learned art and I Will generate new broods of Schollers on you Which shall defend opinions far more various Then all the Sectaries of Amsterdam Have ever vented Covet Learned learned young man How happy am I in thee Thor. Doe but love I le call the Muses from the sacred hill To Enucleat your beauty I my selfe After in loftier numbers I have sung Your fam'd Encomiums will convert to poet And for your sake I le write the city annals In famous meter which shall far surpasse Sir Guy of Warwickes history or Iohn Stows upon The custard with the foure and twenty Nooks At my Lord Majors feast Cov. How am I ravisht Thor. Whose brave show hereafter Shall be no more set forth with stalking pageants Nor children ride for angels nor lowd actors Pronounce bold speeches I will teach his Henehboyes Serjeants and trumpeters to act and save The city all that charges Nay I le make a new Found engin which without fire shall keepe his Whitebroath warm til his return from Westminster Nor shall the Aldermens daughters who have Dreamt at least six nights before of guilded Marchpane forfeit their serious longing I le have Horses with their Saint Georges on them that shall gallop Into their handkerchers Clar. You promise wonders Covet Hold your tongue hee s able To performe more by 's learning Thor. The crosse And standerd in Cheapeside I will convert To Hercules pillars and the little conduit That weepes in lamentation for the Church Remov'd that did leane on it shall be still Like the great tun at Heidleberge fild with wine And alwayes running that the prentises Shall not on Sundayes need to frequent Tauerns And forfeit their indentures Covet Still more miraculous Thor. The great conduit Shall be a magazin of sacke and Smithfield A Romish Cirque or Grecian Hippodrom My Lord Maiors gennet shall not die without An Elegy nor any cittizen breake But have a dolefull ditty writ upon him Val. Save you gentlemen Covet Noble sir Timothy and your friend both Welcome this is my neice that my daughter pray Be pleas'd to know them Sir honor me to walke I 'de have some private conference with you The house sir Timothy is at your command Grace Cosen what would these gentlemen Clare Truth I know not I le venture my discretion to his nose there And that appeares a rich one they are two Country Ideots whom thy father would Put upon us for husbands Grace Very likely Pray gentlemen your businesse Tim. Speak for me Valentine Val. Ladies wee 'r come to see you fame does give You the attribute of faire and witty Clare Yet our wits you see sir will not serve to keepe Fooles from our company Tim. Very right yfaith Val. That tartnesse Becomes you prettily and might serve to fright Young linnen-drapers or some millaner That does with gloves and bracelets stolne from 's Master court you a haberdasher would have shak'd His blocke-head as if he had beene trying a Dutch Felt out and with a shrug departed but we are Gentlemen Ladies and no city foremen That never dare be ventrous on a beauty Unlesse when wenches take them up at playes To intice them at the next licentious Taverne To spend a supper on them we are creatures Deserve you at your best and noblest value And so expect you 'l use us Tim. Very right this is A countrey gentleman my neighbor I A trusty and coragious country knight Clare I doe believe you sir your face does tel me You 'r one that feed on bacon and bagpudding Your nose by its complexion does betray Your frequent drinking country Ale with lant in 't Have you no hobnayls in your boots driven in To save the precious leather from the stones That pave the streets of London Grace Is not sir your Cloake new turn'd the aged three pil'd velvet Was not your grandams peticote this jerkin Made by your grandsire at his first translation From Clowne to Gentleman and since reserv'd An heire long to the family and this sword The parish weapon Tim. Very right agen Clare Now for you sir Who of two fooles doe yet appeare the wisest Can your ingenious noddle thinke that we Bred in the various pleasures of the city Would for your sake turne beasts and grase i th' country We cannot milke make wholsome cheese nor butter And sell it at next market and lay up Out of the precious Income as much coyne In thred bare groates mill-sixpences and pence As will suffice to finde the house in Candles And Sope a twelve month after Grace Nor can wee Spin our owne smockes out of the flax which growes Behind your Dovehouse no nor card the wooll Must make us peticoates things to say truth Not worth the taking up Val. They 've Magicke in their tounges They have so daunted me I thinke I shall Turne foole and get me 'hem without reply Clare All the company We can injoy there is each day to walke To the next farmers wife whose whole discourse Is what price Barly beares or how her husband Sould his last yoake of Oxen other meetings We cannot have except it be at Churchales When the sweet bag-pipe does draw forth the Damsells to frisque about the May poles or at Weddings where the best cheare is wholsome Stewd broth made of legs of porke and turnips Grace Yes at Christnings where the good Wives stead of
towne shall know of this abuse I le make you fast enough Explicit Actus tertius Actus Quartus Scena prima Grace Clare Busie Luce Busie THey are both sparkes that 's certaine if ere I take them in my watch I le make them stoope Under my staffe of office Mistris Clare Though I 'me a Citizen and by my charter Am not allowed much wit as being free Oth Linnen-drapers and a man in office Yet if my counsell if you please to follow it Doe not revenge you on these sawcy mad caps May taking up of Holland at deare rates Be quite abjur'd by courtiers and I canvas'd Out of authority how 's that now Clare Master Busie You seeme of sage discretion and to say Truth I conceive you have the stocke of wit Belonging to the city in your custody You are the chamber of London where that treasure Is hoarded up and I doe hope you can Be true and secret Busie How 's that Lady I were unworthy else to thrive by linnen Could I not keepe smocke secrets for your uncle Your father mistris Grace I care not for him Although he be right worshipful and an Alderman As I may say to you he has no more Wit then the rest o th' bench what lies in 's thumbe-ring Yet I doe love you deerely for the kindnesse Shown to my girle here and because you have Some flashes in your braines and since you have Opend the case to me ere we proceed To sentence tell me seriously doe not you two Love Valentine and Freewit Grace For my owne part And I dare say as much too for my cosen Their memories are as distant from our hearts As civill honesty from theirs Clare And though I well could like that Freewit for a husband Yet in mere spight because he shal not have me I le wed the next mans offered me Busie How 's that I would my wife were dead two comely lasses Such as sometimes I light on in my watch would make fit wives for such rude sparks and t' shal Goe hard but I will for your sakes sweete beauties Number a brace of such sound curtell to them If you 'l give way to it Cla. And crowne thee for The king of witty Constables use our names Or any thing to draw them forward that Wee may in triumph laugh at their disgrace And wee l procure a pattent to continue Thy office to thee during life and after To hire some ingenious poet that shall keepe Thy fame alive in a brave Epitaph Grav'd on thy marble Enter Covet Sir Geffrey Holdfast Sir Timothy young Holdfast Geff What varlet should that be Cov. Truth I know not Nor can conjecture yet I did believe Him to be truely yours because attird i th' habit and the phrase of a right Scholler And for your sonne pardon me master Holdfast I tooke you for some lewd audacious varlet That had usurpt that title Hold. I imagine It was some bastard of my fathers gotten In youth upon his Taylors wife or Landresse He has good store of them but master Alderman You now conceive I me son and heire apparent Unto the Holdfasts whosoever got me That 's not much matter Bus. How 's that anon before I set my watch I le visit you agen meanetime pray give my Daughter Luce leave to come home her sister Poore wretched is troubled with a paine i th' Bottome o th' body pricks even to her very heart And I would have Luce goe toth ' Pothecaries And get some Besar stone they say 't will cure her Farewell good Ladies you 'l be sure to come Luce Ex. Busie Geff. Are these the maidens I promise you master Alderman the 'r virgins of good feature and I shall Be well apaid if my sonne match to either Which lik'st thou best boy Hold. Both of them good father Be not so troublesome but let me take A view of them Sir Timothy which doe you Like best of these two Ladies Tim. Which doe you Like best good Mr. Holdfast Hold. Yours shall be The choyce noble Sir Timothy Tim. Yours indeed Magnanimous Mr. Holdfast Hold. On my gentility yours Tim. Yours on my knighthood Cov. Good sir Timothy No striving they are free for you and for The staine those idle gallants put upon them T was on my credit gentlemen to keepe All other suitors off in hope by that meanes To obtaine them for themselves Tim. T is very likely That Valentine's a wagge Cov. Daughter and neice This hopefull gentleman and this good knight are By my care provided for your husbands pray use Them as befits their worth and take it As a fatherly admonition either resolve To marry these or none Cla. T is a hard choyce sir Yet rather then our maiden-heads shall starve Wee l feed on this course fare young wenches uncle Are like young hungry Hawkes they 'l stoope at Jack-daws when they can meet with no better prey Draw neerer thou doughty knight and thou good Squire o th' damsells Uncle these youthes are bashfull in the Presence of you two their grave Elders your grim beards And azure notes able are to fright Their precise love to silence Tim. Shee s i th' right I me such a fearefull foole I cannot speake If any body looke on me Geff. Let 's withdraw Now plye thy businesse boy Clare So now the game Exe. Sir Geffery and Covet Will begin presently I pray you tell me Which of you is the valiant Rosicleer Dares breake his Launce on me Tim. Marry that would I If I durst be so bold mine is a stiffe one And will pricke sorely Clare A fooles bable i st not But come in briefe toth ' purpose is it you Sir knight of the ill favored face That would have me for your Dulcina Tim. Very right You know my minde as well it seemes as if You 'r in my belly Grace So then you are sped This gentleman 's my comely spouse that must be T were fitting Cosen Clare e rt be a bargaine They know on what conditions they doe cast Themselves away upon us Hold. T was discreetly Thought on I would doe nothing rashly Clare Marke then You men that will transforme your selves to Monsters wretches that will become so miserable You 'l hang your selves think it a faire rid dance Marke what you l come to if you be so mad So desperate mad to wed us you must first Resolve like patient gulls to have your noses Twingd if ours' chance to itch your eares like asses When they grow lasie cropt least they oreheare Our chamber secrets for our recreation And least with too much ease we should grow resty Wee l beat you daily while you like tame Spanells Shall fawne and licke our shooe-strings Grace Nor expect To get a good word from us in a twelve month Hourely revilings and perpetuall noyses Shall be as favours taken that we would Vouchsafe to spend in such regardlesse trifles Wee 'l be as proud as ere our mothers were When she was Lady Majoresse