for them the Eat-All-Mains had been down the wind long ere this and there 's the main of the whole matter Of Idle-Burgh an Imperial free Town IDle-Burgh is a famous and free State and hath a large territory under command it is Scituate in the farthest confines of Platters-Plain towards Fooliana The Citizens live in far more happy Estate than ever Monk did having all things they can desire in Abundance The Town is so strongly scituated that it is Impregnable being Built upon a Rock ten German Miles in height and withall so steep that it is utterly Inaccessible at the foot of this Cliff Runs the River Idle whereof the City taketh her name Runs did I say hold it seems rather to Creep being more like a Lake than a River There is but one way up to the Town that is the Townsmen leting down a Basket fastned to the end of a Rope do hale up the Passengers They live all upon certain Birds Naturally bred amongst them the Inhabitants call them Gulls which serve the Cities use with three sorts of Meats Flesh Eggs and Fish Flesh from their own Carkasses Eggs from their Nests and Fish which they bring for the feeding their young ones in huge excess And besides the Sticks of their Nests finds the Citizens with perpetual fireing What would you have more and more you shall have Their Feathers serve the Citizens for stuffing their Beds yes marry do they and some to spare also for Transportation The Ground within the Walls brings-forth whole Vintages of delicate Grapes and whole Harvests of the purest Wheat The People do live an uncurious Life they Sup they Sleep they Rise they Breakfast they Dine they Sup and so round in a Ring Unless a little whoreing now and then chance to add one dance more to the Round The Richer sort have many Servants to attend on them one to open the Masters eyes gently when he awaketh Another to fan a cool Aire whilst he eateth A third to pop in his victuals when he gapeth A fourth to fit his Girdle to his paunch as it riseth and falleth The Master only Exerciseth Eating Digesting and Laying out There are Divers other Cityes that hold of this Idleburgh in Capite and under protection of her enjoy the same priviledges with her as Sleep-on and Snort-apace where the Inhabitants are seldom or never awake and it is strange to see how fat they grow with this Drousie Lethergy The Religion of the Eat-All-Mains THey cannot endure Jupiter for he when he Thunders Sowers all their Wines but they have a good Devotion to god Trine because he eateth up all things before him and shews himself therein a true Eat-All-Main They have built a goodly Temple unto him in which I saw the Picture of Saturn eating up his Children very Artificially pourtraid On Shrove-tuesday They Offer Sacrifice to this Deity whose power appears to them once every year in form of a huge Monstrous Ravenous Fowl The Inhabitants call him RVC to whom they present whole Hecatombs of Raw Flesh thus Ordered Shrove-tuesday As I said before is the day of Sacrifice The place in Pewter-Plateria where is a large Plain lying towards the South incirculed with Mountains unto this Plain do all the Inhabitants flock bringing with them an Ocean of Victuals as Elephants Camels Oxen of the largest size Boars Sheep Goats with a whole Army of Fowl all with their Feathers pluckt off All these are put as it were into this large Cage which done they get them up on the top of the Mountains sides as if they took their Seats in a Playhouse and with bended knees do there expect the comeing of this Deity Old RVC of Rucks-Hall At length Sir you shall see him come afar off with a noise Able to Deaf the whole Nation three hundred miles about with a great crooked Bill as bigg almost as half the Equinoctial Circle with a pair of Tallons like two broad spread Oakes with two Eyes in his head like two Towns that were on fire and such an Inundation of Harpies Ravens Vultures and Hawks about him O! strange stupendious sight for Men to behold and with a Cry able to procure an Earthquake they Approach the Plain and by and by their Wings Eclips the Sun and bring a Midnight over the whole Valley Three times they flag about the Plain while the People pour out their very Bladders in Tears and all that is in their Bellies in hearty prayers to this Rout of Religious Birds By this time General RVC the Leader of this Starved Regiment hath spied his Prey For you must Note he out of all this Folio Catologue of Carcasses must chuse what pleaseth his Tooth first Well suppose he take some five Elephants or half a score of Oxen he is to be first served and then every one to his shark Tag Rag and Longtail Here you shall see one fly away with a Calf there another with a Lamb here one with a Boar and there another with a Swan every one fitting his Luggage to his strength And thus with a Reverend applause of all the spectators they depart every one with his carriage and leaves the rest behind them All which the people are bound in Conscience to make ready and eat up ere they depart whereby their Bellies are so overcram'd that they loath flesh forty dayes after During which space they live all upon Fish This vacancy sharpens their Appetites to fall greedily to Flesh again at the time expired As sure as Death the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this Country upon granting the Eat-All-Mains some odd Indulgences or upon dispenceing with them for Ember-Weeks Of the Laws of the Eat-All-Mains GVrmonds-Hall is a stately Structure Built in Orbicular form like a Theatre as well large and high as Beautiful set forth with fair Arched Windows whose Lights are of transparent Horn Curiously pannelled the Roof supported by Pillars which are of the Thigh Bones of Elephants very artificially cemented together and over the front of the Entrance are these Verses fairly Engraven in Letters of Gold Let no Thin Jaws presume to pass this Stone The place is Sacred to the Plump alone And within the Hall hangs a Table chained to a Pillar containing these Inviolable Laws I. That Eating but one Meal a day be henceforth held for A Capital Transgression II. He that overthrows a full Dish or Cup Rashly shall be forthwith by This Statute enjoyned Standing upright on his Feet to have a dish of Broth set between his heels which he must eat all up with a Thimble III. That none Eat alone nor violate the Laws of the Table by any private Suppers upon pain of Eating his next Meal with his heels upwards IV. That if the Mouth be full it shall be sufficient to answer by holding up the finger V. That breaking Wind either by belching or otherwise be held not only Lawful but Honourable VI. That if any one hold his breath while his Belly is Measuring he
a Pale and a Swarthy their Skins are crumpled like half burnt Parchment and puckerd like the hide of an Elephant The alviewing Sun in all his Race never beheld such gastly Animals you would swear they were Anatomies cover'd over with fresh Skins Here you shall have one laying a Plot how to intrap the Flies there another contriving a conspiracy against the Worms yonder another sit shaving the Earths new shorn Beard to discover the Roots of the ungrown Grass They have a strange and fierce wild Beast Rangeth continually in the Nights all about the desarts of this Island which they call Empty-Maw it will keep such a terrible barking that it makes the hollow Ayr Eccho again and whosoever in this Island heareth it not bark once in twelve hours grows immediately Deaf but he that heareth it thrice in thirty six hours and giveth it nothing to devour ere twelve hours more be run dyeth immediately provided alwayes he can live no longer Other Beasts I saw none in all this Island except a sort of Wolves and some Monkyes that had eaten off great part of their Tailes Indeed I durst not make any long abode in so lean a Land I think it was no great Wisdom What think you Thus far of Eat-All-Main and the adjacent Isles now proceed we to Drink-All-Main and so good night Of Drink-All-Main the Second Province of Belly-All-Main YOU cannot expect an exact Description of Drink-All-Main for I durst not for my Ears enter into any City of the whole Province untill it was dark night that all the Citizens were wrap'd in Wine and warm Clouts And then how was 't possible to discover any thing to purpose For to tell you the truth I feared the Burgomasters bounty it being their fashion as soon as any one sets a foot within the City-gate to give him I know not how many Lifts of Wine for his welcome receiving him in such Pomp and State and all out of the common Purse of the City All which Folio Cups he must take off or else he is held an ungrateful unmannerly fellow Nay which is worse a direct Foe to the common good of the City Now I feared both this Honour and this Danger This Province is somewhat larger than Eat-All-Main being as broad or rather broader than both the Germanies No Nation under the Cope of Heaven so fortunate nor so abounding in the delicate Juce of the Grape as this The peculiar Wines of all our Europian Kingdomes are here the Germans Rhenish the Frenchmans White and Red the Spaniards Maligo and the Canaries purest Sack pshau they have all all to Excess The Temperature of their bodies are different from the Eat-All-Mains who delight in the qualities of heat and drought whereas the Drink-All-Mains affect heat and moysture so that the bordering neighbours do jearingly call the Eat-All-Mains Kitchen-Bellies and the Drink-All-Mains Celerian-Bellies As they are more ingenious than the Eat-All-Mains so are they more Lascivious In their youths they are generally quick-witted but being grown to a Graver Age especially Old Age they grow so forgetful that you shall not have one amongst Twenty that can remember his own name Of the Shires of the Province of Drink-All-Main THE whole Province is Divided into three Counties the County of Wine-cester the County of Vsquebah or Brandy-Bridg and the County of Hopsack-octun or Bru-Malta called by some Strong-Biera Wine-cester is parted from Eat-All-Main on the West by the River Piss-On a salt Current that Ebbs and Flows which River runs round about the Dukes Pallace The Philosophers of this Country affirm that it hath not its Saltness from the Sea but from an airy humor that often falls upon it The first Town I came unto in this Region was called Vine-Spring It is in form of a five angled Trencher whose Borders extend as far as Vine-Prop hills so that some of it became part of the Suburbs of Cluster-Beg a prety fine City wall'd about with Stones of the Colour of Brick but somwhat deeper of Dye This City stands in the bottom of Pressing-Dale a Valley so called through which runs a delicate River called Juce which passeth along by three or four pretty Cities seated upon the the Banks thereof to the founders eternal commendations Their names are first Tankards-Bridg next Tunning-Tree then Broaching-Ford and lastly Carousi-Kanikin Tunning-Tree is fortified with a wall of wood and Broaching Ford hath never but one gate open at once and that when it is shut is made fast with nothing but the end of a Faggot stick There is not in all the World any one River comparable to this which runs through these Cities for besides the pleasing meanders that it makes in its wanton course the water is so sweet and delicate that neither the best of Europes Wines nor the Turks delicious Zerbeth can possibly excell it It hath but one peculiar Fish belonging to it called a Tap and this Fish will somtimes lye by the Shore and spout a huge deal of the water aloft and it is somewhat more pleasing in taste than before and this the Inhabitants watch for in Boats and when they get it make great store of it This River as I told you passeth through Tunning-Tree but hold I had forgotten one Town it goeth from thence to Celleridg ere it come to Broaching-Ford and so by Broaching-Ford passeth directly unto Carousi-Kanikin the prime City of the whole Province The Description of Carousi-Kanikin the chief City of Drink-All-Main as also the Fashions and Manners of the Drink-All-Mains CArousi-Kanikin is a name I understand not farther then what light I have of it from the German tongue The City is built upon a Hill and carrieth the form of a Tankard from what Quarter so ever you behold it It is of Antient Renown and one of the best seated Ports for Traffique in all the whole Land It is strongly fortified with Barricado's and Bulwarks built all of Barrels the Roofs also of the houses are tiled with the Boards of broken Casks In the entrance of the gate is placed a double Cannon of Pewter charged to the Muzzel This their Law Commands to be duly observed the Citizens call it the Flaggon of Hospitality and round about it are these words Engraven'd Aut Bibe Aut Abi drink or be packing and whosoever ariveth must either drink it all off or be carried before the Magistrate to Render an account of his Contumacy But by chance I met with a Traveller who was bound to the City as will a I who being acquainted with their fashions brought me secretly by night into the Town and shew'd me such things as I should never have discovered of my self The Fronts of their Buildings are so wholly hid with spreading Vines that had I not seen the Signs hang out on every side I should have sworn I had been in a Vineyard and not in a City it is indeed a very pleasant Prospect In the Market-place are all the Measures hung up in chains Sealed with the
the Horizon Black Clouds appear A Storm is near Darkness Eclipseth the scerener Sky The Winds grow high Making the surface of the Ocean show Like Mountains lofty and like Vallies low The weighty Seas are rouled from the Deeps In Mighty heaps And from the Rocks Foundations do arise To kiss the Skies Wave after Wave in Hills each other crouds As though the Deeps resolv'd to storm the Clouds How did the surging Billows Beat and Roar Against the Shore Threatning to bring the Land under their Power And it devour The curled Waves against the Land were hurl'd As to a Choas they would shake the World The Earth did interpose the Prince of Light 'T was sable Night All Darkness was but when the Lightnings fly And Light the Skye Night Thunder Lightning Rain and Blustring Wind To make a Storm had all their Forces joyn'd A Description of Bottles-Brook WE found this a pretty sweet Town in truth it is paved with Bottles and roofed with Leathern Budgets I do not remember I saw any Artificer in all the Town but Leathern Jack-makers and Taylors for Bottle-Cases So that now I saw where the Eat-All-Mains had utterance for their Hides The Men of this Town and Country use no pure Wine but certain Distilled Waters mixed with the strongest Grape that they can get which are so forcibly hot that the brittle Glass cannot hold them and therefore they are driven to fortify their Bottles with Leathern Dublets Rivetted together with Pitch and Rozin The Citizens are fiery of Face and cholerick of Conditions and of a staggering manner of Pace in their Going but that which is most terrible of all they drink and they belch nothing but Flames one of them is able to drink as much Fire as one of us can Water A Man would veryly imagine when he saw them that they were so many Fire-Drakes Or St. George's Dragons I was in danger before of drowning in Water but now I feared nothing but stifling with Fire There I left my Companion to his Orisons I loved him well but my self better and the next morning got me out of this Vulcans Shop this Ciclops Forge and being upon my way began to consult whith my self if it were not convenient to Travel towards Brewmaulta to observe the manners and fashions of the Hopsackoctuns But considering as my Pilgrim had told me it was the basest part of the Land and but that it is more Beast-like differs in nothing from the other parts of Drink-All-Main And while I was thus plodding on with many Cogitations in my mind what to do to my great surprize rushes forth an Ambush of armed Shee-Landesses besieg'd me took me bound me and carried me Prisoner the more unfortunate man I a long and toylsome Journey even to the chief City of the Land called Gossip-Pingoa THE Second Part. The Description of Woman-Decoia Or Shee-Landt of the Scituation and Parts thereof THE New Discovered Woman-Decoia Or Shee-Landt lieth in that part of the Southern Continent which our Geographers of Europ called Psytaccorum-Regio the Land of Parrots the North side is bounded upon Lecheritania the South upon Thrivingois the East upon two of the Foolianas the Fickle and the Fat The Soyl thereof is very Fruitful but badly Husbanded It is divided into many Provinces both large and rich yet all of several Conditions Habits and Languages The Principal of them are these Tatlington Soldonia Blubberick Giglot-Tangier high and low Cockatrixia Sluts-Burrow Shrows-Burgh and Blackswans-Mark otherwise called Modestiana many of these Provinces did I pass through though against my will but to speak Truth Tatlington is the best Country of them all and hath many fair Cities in it as Pratlingnople Tales-borne and Lips-wagg through the last of which runneth a great River called Slaver which sometimes will overflow the Banks and drown all the lower part of the Country as far as Chin-dale but the Inhabitants have lately devised strong rampiers of Bones and bent Leather to keep it from breaking out Of all the Cities of Tatlington or of all Woman-Decoia Gossip-ingoa is the Principal thither was I brought Prisoner Therefore take first an Account of their dealing with me and then I le proceed to Describe the conditions of these New Nations How Quevedo was used by the Gossip-Ingoesses BEing brought to this City and so to the Court a Bell was caused to be tolled and presently all the Inhabitants came flocking together whose diligent eyes began to survey me narrowly who stood bound fast enough for attempting Resistance or offering to make any escape At length in the midst of the Multitude I could hear one baul out for silence this by her Garb and port I supposed to be their Captainess who by many signes and much a do had somewhat abated the claimer so that with an elevated voice I could hear her adress her Speech to the rest after this manner Vncontroulable and Vndaunted Gossip-Ingoesses Be it known unto you that we took this Fellow in the Confines of that damn'd Country of Letcheritania who are a People you well know that have offered us the greatest of injuries I therefore hold it fit in taking Revenge of them to begin with this Prisoner and if my advice may Gain your Approbation let him be condemned to run the Gantlet To morrow stark naked through our Regiment of Auxilaries She having made an end of my severe Sentence with much ado for the noise to be heard I got leave to speak for my self declaring my Nation to be Old England had I said Spain I had been ruin'd to all intents and purposes The cause of my wandring to make some new Discoveries of this unknown part of the Earth that I was no Letcheritanian nor had no acquaintance with any of them Telling her Ladyship that it would derogate much from her Nature and Clemency and from the Honour of her Just Government to condemn an innocent Pilgrim Well these good words I can tell you wrought so pretty well that the poor Young Wenches began most of them to weep but the Old Countesses were not so soon Mollified but to the Louse house I must go till my Country and cause of Travel was more clearly made manifest before the Grand-Shee-Councel into whose presence I was brought with a Guard next Morning Where if it had not been for my feign'd Countries Name the only Paradice for Women which pleaded on my side I had received Sentance immediately Which the Speaker of the Grand Counsel called there the Pratris signified to me in these Words Sir It is the Pleasure of this Honourable Counsel Both to remit your Punnishment and give you Liberty because they have heard that your Country is Famous for the Freedom of Females So I was there immediately quitted by Proclamation but not without an Oath for I was brought to Janus Altar and laying my hand on the same swore solemnly to observe all these Conditions following I. That I should never go about to Injure this Noble Sex by Word
themselves in heaps without Armes or Order The Foe was Drawn up with Judgment and Marshalled in good order who valiantly giving the on-set down falls a Citizen or two which the rest beholding fell prostrate upon their knees with Submission the Conquerors weapons were held so that there was a sudden Cessation of Arms. By and by one of the most Eminent and gravest Foolianders made a Speech after this Manner Right Valiant and Unconquerable Shrews-Burgisses HOW could You be so cruel for one poor Ass to destroy so many propper Men and pretty Schollars for as much as one living Ass might have been more serviceable to Your State Than a Thousand nay than five and forty men being as dead as so many door-Nails Now therefore take every one an Ass and his Burthen of Gold for we had rather live without them then die for them Asses are not so scarce in this Country of ours Therefore we intreat You put up Your shineing things and spare the Lives of many Weaponless Men. I know and to your Honour be it spoken that your Valour scornes to try the utmost against Men without weapons Therefore we submitting beseech You to spare us and free us from our present fears Well the Conqueresses are moved by this pathetical Oration and granted their pardons upon condition that the Women of Fooliana should henceforth in all Domestick Imployments have preheminence of Men To which the Vanquished gave their humble consents and the Army drew off marching back with the Spoils in a most incredible quantity to their own Garrison of Shrews-Burgh the most formidable Garrison of all the Provinces of Woman-Decoia Of Fooliana the Fickle FOoliana the Fickle is the easternmost part of Fooliana the Great and Bordering upon Woman-Decoia or Shee-Landt but you must not expect an exact description thereof yet how I found it and how I left it you shall know as well as I but if you chance to go thither your self as many fine Worshipful Gentlemen and Men of large possessions have done within these few years and find not the State as I have described it blame not any defect in me for their Forms of Government are so daily altered that 't is easier to describe the shape of Proteus or the Colour of a Camelion than discover their form of Discipline I durst venture a wager that the Antient French were the first Discoverers of this Country for there are some Monuments remaining that that do signify as much as their names of Towns their most Antient Laws and their chief Coyns Their Grounds never carry one certain form two years together that which is pasture this year shall be arrable the next That which was all high Mountaines this year shall be carried away to fill up Dales the next Nay they turn the very course of their Rivers They have many Magnificent Cities but they change their Fashion almost every other day The chief of these Cities at my first coming was called Fair-Felia but ere I went away it was Ordered in Counsel That it should thenceforth be called Butter-Flieux the whole frame of this City runs upon Wheels and may be drawn whether the Counsel pleases to Order or every particular mans House where the Owner sees good It is Recorded that the whole City hath altered its Scituation a Hundred times since the Foundation and thirty times hath quite lost its former shape when I came there it was seated upon the River Water-less But there was an Order from the Counsel Board that the next Winter it must be drawn up to the top of Mount Want-Wood and as I was told the last place it was wheel'd from was Barren-Down The Rivers are so Frozen with extream Cold that if any be weary of its old place it may pass the Waters to a new one almost every month These Cities often change their formes for every House is separate from the next So that as soon as they find the least fault with the old Neighbourhood away goes House Houshold and all seating themselves in another Street where they find a vacancy be the removing of others The Cities Arms had lately been in a field Argent three Snails bear-in their Shells passant Gules The Motto on a Scrowl Mea Mecum I carry my own But now it is as long as it continues so A Field Vert charged with a Butterfly with Wings displayed Argent Flowred Or The Motto Vbi Libit where I list Of the Peoples Conditions and Attire THe Inhabitants go all in painted Feathers as some of the East and West Indians do for say they seeing that these light things are sufficient to keep the little Birds warm enough Why should we desire more being much better able to bear out the Cold than these tender Creatures Now when they would seem to have new Cloaths they change the places of their Feathers so that that which in the Morning they wore on their heads cometh before night to wipe the dust from their Heels and that which kept the knee warm but now by and by sits up half a yard higher They Marry Wives and love them confoundedly for a while till they take some occasion of dislike in their Old Bed-fellow Or chance to spie another fairer Then farwel Wife And welcome with all my Heart Huband saies she to another for the Wife is commonly as willing to change as the Husband and often takes the first occasion especially if she dislike the Husbands Cockship They use a Stranger as kindly as if he were their own Brother and the next day will pass by him and forget that ever they saw him They seldome or never proffer any thing that they do not recall next breath nor do they ever promise but they afterwards forswear it nor do they ever perform any thing which they do not afterwards repent and be sorry for what they sell you to day if you dislike it they will give you double the price you paid for it to morrow They make their Laws new every Year once for say they It is not fit seeing Mans Life is Mutable that the Rules of his Life should not be Mutable also besides second Cogitations being most Generally perfect it is a Slavery to be tyed to a first Decree In this City nigh the Asschange standeth Turncotes Tomb upon which I read this following Incription in the Foolianick Tongue Stay Sit Walk Read Here Lyeth Standing upright Tomkin Turncote who was neither Forreigner nor Freeman Slave nor Soldier Physitian nor Fencer Cobler nor Courtier Lawyer nor Usurer But All. Who lived neither in City nor Country neither at Home nor Abroad neither at Sea nor on Land nor here nor elsewhere But every where Who Dyed neither of Hungar nor Chirst nor Poyson nor Pox nor Hatchet nor Halter neither by Casualty nor Disease but of all together I P. Q. Being neither his Debter nor Creditor nor Heir nor Executor nor Kinsman nor Friend nor Neighbour nor Stranger but all In his Memory have erected this neither Monument
Coasts from an incredible distance A little within the River Filching there is another Town called Lysal which takes Tribute of all Vessels that pass that way The Inhabitants lay out great Hooks baited with Load-stones wherewith they Angle for Ships as do for Trouts and where it once seizeth it keepeth its hold fast These are also good Swimmers being as expert and perfect in the Art as the Dolphins and like Crocodiles or English Otters live as much in the Water as on the Land of these do our European Navigators stand in great fear Of Lyers-Bury-Plain and of the City of Pick-Pocket-Angul with the Nature of the Liegerdemanians NOw I return to Lyers-Bury-Plain which lyeth upon the verges of Robbers-Waldt and Liegerdemain And serves for a free Common to them both there is a River Runs through the midst of it called Memento which divides the whole plain into two parts and on this River are divers of the Liegerdemanian Towns and Garrisons seated Ever since Spain obtained the Conquest of these Indians that border upon this Continent the Liegerdemanians have tollerated the Jesuits those busie-bodies that will needs scald their Chops in the whole Worlds Porridg to pay their visits here and also to Inhabit this Land which the Irruptions of the Robbers-Walders had otherwise Depopulated Here are many Astrology-Schools whose professors are more in favour with the Leigerdemanians than any other Artists whatsoever except Poets and Lawyers Here in a little Town called Prediction I set up School my self and read the Lecture of spying wonders in the Heavens urinal as Methodically as any Star-gazer of them all I had my Ptolomy Tycho Guido Bonatus my Bencorat my Zabel my Messahalach my Abbohali and my Hali Aben Razehel all at my beck and by their Prescriptions I wrote an infallible Prognostication of these present Times These Liegerdemanians are far more Sociable or at least more circumspect and secret in their intriegues than the Robbers-Walders for what these do in publick the Legerdemanians act privately living under a Law and a Prince also whose Title is Triberio-De-Golden-Gripo he keeps his State in a Delicate City called Free-purloyn Scituate in the very heart of Lyers-Bury-Plain They never budge abroad in the day time but keep within-doors and contrive what they bring to Action in the Night They hate the Sun and love the Moon with like extreams of Affection The Trees of this Soyl are Naturally qualified like the Inhabitants No Bird can light upon them but is presently taken as with Lime-\twigs The Chief Town of traffick in these parts is Pick-Pocket-Angle wherein are two Streets Tongue-Street and Pawns-Brook which in my judgment exceeds all the Streets of any one City in the World for length and stateliness of Buildings Tongue-Street is the general Rendezvouz of all the Lawyers and Pawns-Brook of the Brokers Vsurers Taylors and Scriveners 'T is most certain that no Nation under the Moon is stored with Lawyers as this is who if they want means of Contention play the Seedsmen themselves sowing the Seeds of Animosity and Discord among their peaceable Neighbours Our Westminster adding all the Inns of Court and Chancery to it makes but a meer St. Katherins-Hall in comparison of the Inner-Temple of this Town Their Numbers do daily encrease yet notwithstanding it is the Opinion of the wisest Polititians of this Land that they cannot continue long for when they have eat up the whole Country as they have almost done already they must needs decline for want of Clyents unless by the want of business to imploy themselves they should fall out and go to Law one with another and by that means disperse abroad what they have Ravenously claw'd together among the Comonalty again and indeed by this means they may leave to their posterities a prospect of more business and better imployment in succeeding Times These Lawyers Footmen are cloathed in party-Coloured Liveries Like the Knave of Clubs to signify that their Masters are ready to take Fees on either side The Usurers afford them a considerable part of their imployment but principally the violent Current of the River Fraud which running among the Quirkney Isles eateth away one piece of Land here and casteth it up there and afterwards washeth it away from thence and layes it in a third place changing its course now and then and taking away one mans whole Estate gives it to another And this is that which makes work for the Lawyers Nature has wrought a very strange work upon the Inhabitants of this Town their Skins do naturally attract Gold and Silver with as powerful a strength as the Loadstone draweth Steel and holds it as fast If a piece of Gold touch but their hands it sticks so close that it is impossible with all your strength or force to unloose it from thence a thing never seen elsewhere and therefore the worthyer of Record Pawns-Brook is peopled with all sorts of Artificers yet they open no Shops but every one attends the Passenger at his own Door with a What lack you Gentlemen And then if he gets a Chapman he leads him in and shews him his Wares in private one shall shew you a chain Crusted over with thin Plates of Gold and swear that India nor Arabia did never afford purer Mettal Another Cheats you with a counterfeit Musk Cod. A third with Pearls so dexterously adulterated both for Weight Fashion Clearness Smoothness and Bigness that you cannot decern them from true ones and there will he shew you the Shells wherein they grew Here also you shall have your Lapidaries with Gems of all sorts able to delude the most decerning Eye in the World The Cyprian Diamond the Sicilian Agate the Indian Berrill the Persian Eagle-Stone the Affrican Chalcedon the Sythian Smaradg the German Corneil the Ethiopian Chrysolite and the Lybian Garbuncle here they are all and many more ready prepared by Art-Forgery Here are also Apothecaries in great abundance and these do nothing but Sophisticate Receipts with their quid pro quo which would fill a Volume to make a discovery of their Deceits One thing I am both Amaz'd and Grieved at they are never taken in their Falcifications be they never so Palpable but they have this Prevention they can change their Shapes Voices Trades and Habits instantly and so Cunningly that he goes about to wash a Guiney-Negar white that seeks for the man to day that bubbled him yesterday There is a Famous School in the Suburbs where Art Spagirick is read to the Youth of this City and here they have a Book which they esteem as Holy as the Turks their Alcaron it is called the History of Mercury wherein is related how he in his Infancy stole Neptunes Trydent Mars his Sword Phoebus his Bow and Arrows Vulcans-Tongs and Venus's Girdle and how ingeniously he cheated Jove of his Thunder being as then so young that he must of necessity learn the Theory of this Art in his Mothers Belly This Book conteineth also all instructions partaining
small Villages both in one Parish and on the left hand you have three others Spitsted Kettle-Dorp and Spoons-by all pretty Towns and well Peopled Kittle-Dorp hath a fair River passeth through it call'd Ture-Mois which they say Boyleth every Twenty Four hours The Inhabitants of Spoons-By as also another small Village nigh it called Ladle-Cup are instructed in no other art but laving and are very expert in cleansing of Ditches Fish-ponds Wells or such places and these only are imployed in such Services not only in Kitchen-Norton but also in all the Rivers of the Circum-Jacent Cityes of Eat-All-Main as Gravy-Channel in the City of Flesh-Pasti-Nople and Sauce-Bourn which watereth the Plains of Pewter-Plateria but principally in those famous Hot-Wells called the Baths of Broathington in the Vallies of Poringerio for which Imployments they have the great Dukes Pattent so that no others dare intrench upon their priviledges Of Banquetois the Second Canton of Eat-All-Main PAssing from Dressing-Burgh the first Canton you enter is the very Garden of Eat-All-Main it is called Banquetois and is as it were a continual Forrest of nothing but Dates Almonds Figs Ollives Pomgrantes Cytrons and Nutmegs The River Oyl-Brook hath its Course through the heart of this goodly Territory The City of Marchpane is the chief Town of note it this Canton being Built after a stately manner with Turrets and Obelisks all Guilt over but indeed it is but of a slender kind of Fortification and lyeth very open to the Enemies Cannon A little above this City are certain Mines called the Sugar-Hills whence they dig a certain Ore in Colour whitish in Touch hard and in Tast sweet This City hath very few Inhabitants of any years that have any Teeth left but all from Eighteen to the Grave are the Natural Heirs of a Stinking Breath Next unto this lyeth another little Corporation called Drugs-Burgh and here they have a Law that none must be made free of the City but Apothecaries Grocers and Boxmakers The very Heavens seems to Conspire with the places fitness to increas their Trading for at certain times of the year you shall have the whole Country covered quite over with Aromatical Trochices Comfits and Confections congealed by the coolness of the Airs middle Region that fall from the Clouds in as great Abundance at those times when they do fall as ever fell showre of Hail Of Pewter-Plateria the Third Canton of Eat-All-Main AS we passed the 55th Degree beyond the line we entered into a spacious Plain by the Inhabitants called Pewter-Plateria which we entered in our Map under the name of Platters-Plain it lyeth in the very heart of Eat-All-Main and the first City we met with in this Tract was Victualla through the midst of which there Passeth a River called Sauce-Bourn whose Water is somewhat Tart in tast In the Market-Place of this Town I beheld a Monument it was no rare Piece of work but of a very Antient Model the top Stone being cut in form of a Sea Crab. I shall here omit the fruitful Plains of Goblet the great and Fatland Forrest together with the goodly City of Sausagenia a Town rarely Seated only it stands a little too near the Salt Water I shall also pass by Butterkin the Fenny and Cheswick the last Town of all Eat-All-Main and Situate upon the vory Borders of Quaffonia These I slightly pass because I would fain be at the Metropolitan City of the whole Region for that very place alone in Structure of houses Manners of Inhabitants and formality of Discipline I esteem above all the rest Of the Metropolitan City of Eat-All-Main called Flesh-Pasti-Nople HEre-about are but few Villages The Cities having eat up most of the Burroughs neither are their Cityes so abundant in number as they are in Riches and populous Inhabitants but of them all the Prime and Mother-City is that Famous Flesh-Pasti-nople Their Old Records do report that in former Ages there were two Rich and Potent Cityes Flesh-ton and Py-nople between whom there was long and vehement Contention about the Soveraignty Py-nople stood much upon its Antiquity but Flesh-ton Counterpoised the others Continuance with her own present Glory pleasant Scituation and Powerfulness Well a Parliament was called and Finally the whole House with one Consent gave the Supremacy unto Flesh-ton Py-nople thus disgraced decayed to nothing so that it is at this day almost Impossible to know where it stood Now Flesh-ton grew more and more in Lustre and both to add a Magnificence to the Name as also to paste the Foile of Py-nople upon the Forehead of posterity It left the last Syllable of its Old Name and Assumed the two Last of Py-nople joyning them together with the Cement whereof their Antient Walls were made and so was thenceforth called Flesh-Pasti-nople Touching the form it is rather vast in Compass than comely in Building It hath a Rivelet of Spring-Water Running almost through every Street in which you shall see a thousand several impaled Fishponds wherein they keep Swans Geese Ducks Teals and all kinds of Water-fowl This Current is called Gravie-Channel The City is Double-walled about with the Bones that remained of their Carnival Feastings These Bones are Artificially and with Judgment cemented together with Morter made of the whites of Eggs. Their Houses within are neither too Stately nor too Lofty They love no Assents by Staires up to their Doors partly because 't is dangerous to come down when their Brains are throughly moistned and partly because 't is toilesome to climb up when their Bellies are bumbasted Instead of Lead Tyle and Slat their Houses are all Rooft with shoulder-bones of Beasts very cunningly knit together The City consists not of any but such as have one dependance or other upon Rack and Manger the Husbandmen Carpenters Millers and Butchers have each their Habitations assigned in the Suburbs who notwithstanding if they can bring their Bellies to a certain size are presently Summon'd to Gurmands Hall and made free of the Wide-throats no Stranger can have his Freedom at first unless he be either a Cook a Baker or an Inkeeper The City is Govern'd by a certain number of Grave Senators peculiarly stiled Alder-maws who are not Elected for their Wisdom their Wealth or their Horse-Tail Beards but by the circumference of their Paunches which at a solemn set Feast once every Year are Measured and the more that each mans Rotundity is found to be inlarged unto the higher place he is presently Advanced But if either sickness or age do chance to make any of these Alder-maws cast their Collops they are immediately put off the Bench and as they have lost their Grease so must they lose their Grace at a clap Why this is hard now but 't is true as hard as it is I can tell you that The Geometrical form of the City is Oval and hath four Gates at which there do daily attend course by course four Alder-maws Selected to the Office of Supervisors of the Paunchery and
Satis p. 190. A Prologue REports by hear-say who will credit What though the Parish-Parson saidit But that the Truth may pass for Credo I even I my self Quevedo Resolv'd to visit Forreign Islands The Southern Climates Low and Highlands Lands which indeed were other Peoples To view their Towns their Churches Steeples Their Cities Forts and Magazines The Courts of Forreign Kings and Queens Their Manners Habits Customs Fashions And various kinds of Habitations Such things so tickling to my Fancies As I have Read in Old Romances As Gyants and Inchanted Castles Whose Fanes Sumptuous Turrets Dazles The Eyes of such as passed by If they by Chance Look up so high These Curiosities invite me With hopes that Travel will delight me To lanch into the Curled Ocean And hoisting Sail the Ship had Motion Which ready lay when we had stept in To plow the Watry Plains of Neptune We having Sail'd 3 Leagues or Nine Miles Lost sight of Landmarks Steeples Wind-mills Now trusting only to the Compass Though Neptunes surly surges thump us Wee in good time got safely over But what our passage did discover To tell the Truth was no great matter For all we saw was Sky and Water Well but suppose I 'me come on Shore And then suppose but one thing more That what so e'er is worth your Notice Is in this Little Book and so ' t is The Discovery of the Land of Belly-All-Main a part of the South Indies Called Terra Australis Incognita Bordering upon Terra Dell Fuego Of its Scituation THE Land of Belly-All-Main is a Region far extending both in Longitude and Latitude bounded on the North with the Aethiopian Ocean on the East with the Sheelands on the South with Fooliana the Fat and on the West with the Filching-Fens It lyeth in that undiscovered Continent where that monstrous Bird RVC snatcheth up now and then a whole Elephant at a stoop and swaps him up at a Bit Touching the Soyl the Fertility is most worthily Admirable and the Ayr most delicately Temperate In Latitude It lieth full sixty Degrees and in Longitude seventy four from Cabo-de-Bon-Speranza and is Scituate almost directly opposite to the Southern Frontiers of Affrica Such Cosmographers as Write hereof divide it generally into two Provinces Eat-All-Main Called by the Inhabitants Gluttonia and Drink-All-Main By the Natives also called Quaffonia The former scituate in the same Longitude and Latitude with Old England and the Later with the two Germany's Both have one Prince and one Law and a little Reformation would make them Concur also in Habits and Manners Of Eat-All-Main or Gluttonia EAt-all-main is in Form Triangular and resembleth the Figure of Old-Egypt being full of Sky Towring-Hills and yet so Fertile that the very Birds that flock thither from all places to Feed If they stay but three Months at the admirable variety and plenty this Soyl afords They are so Loaden with the luggage of their own Fat that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to over-top one of the meaner Mountains but become sworn Inhabitants of this Fat Country all their Lives after The Shores abound with plenty of Fish of divers kinds and they are naturally so Ravenous and Greedy that you no sooner cast your Angling-hook among them but like Cole-Miners about the Rope when the Candles burn Blew which foretells the coming of the Damp you shall have hundreds about the Line some on the Hook and some on the String and such as miss that Opportunity will hold fast by the Tayls and Fins of such as took time by the foretop 'T would never Tyre a mans Patience to Angle in this Country where he is as sure of Sport as the Beggar when with a Red woollen Rag put down his Back he doth Angle for Lice The Land hath divers good Havens but no Ship is suffered to Harbour There but such as comes Fraighted with good Fare and is Loaden with Delicates the Soyl bears no Tree that bears no Fruit but all the Hedges are stor'd with Apples Pears Plumbs and Nuts of all sorts and some Hops but not such quantities of the last as in Drink-All-Main where their Plenty is Incredible I Conceit our Western English had that kind of Custome from the Drink-All-Mains This Territory of old both Eat-All-Main and Drink-All-Main was under the Government of the Thrivingers held by the Succession of divers Thrivonian Princes whose principal Seat was Eat-All-Main But foreign Invasions ensuing and those Antient Worthyes Chased from Soveraignty whose Memory is almost worn out By whose Extirpation it fell into the Hands of the Eat-All-mains as it continues at this present Time Of Dressing burgh the first Canton of Eat-All-main DRessing-burg is the first Canton of Eat-All-main which is too hot a Climate for any true Eat-All to Inhabit the South-Cape lying under the same Latitude with the most Southern part of Castile and is about 42. Degrees distant from the Equinoctial The Inhabitants are of a swarthy Tawny most of them having their skins shrivled and withered and their Bodies plump't up like a Glove upon a Gridiron they affect Deliciousness rather than Excess Upon the point of this Canton called the Swarthy-Cape the Country is wondrously Overclowded with Smoak because of the nearness of Terra del Fuego the Land of Fire Upon the left hand thereof lyeth the City of Kitchen-Norton the Buildings of which are generally very lofty and as generally smoaky and ill Scented In the midst of this City stands a goodly Temple Dedicated to god All-Paunch a vast and spacious Building wherein are a Thousand Altars Burning with continual Incense except from Shrovetide till Easter unto the aforesaid Deity In the Midst of this Temple is a Tower Erected of Incredible Altitude called by the Inhabitants Chimney Turret from the heighth whereof of the whole Region round about have the usual Signal of War given them for whensoever that Eternal fume ceaseth to ascend in Caligunous Clouds it is a certain warning that the Foe Approaches And this Invasion is most commonly attempted by the Inhabitants of the Starvling Isles otherwise called Hungerlanders for these are the most formidable Enemies that the Eat-All-Mains have Near unto this City of Kitchen-Norton lyeth Cistern-Burgh wherein is the famous Mountain Cock-Alty Exceeding high but directly opposite in nature to Mount Aetna for whereas that Disgorgeth streams of Fire to the Detriment of the Neighbour Cities and Villages so this Stupendious Mountain Cock-Alty sends forth continual Rivers of sweet and fresh water to the great advantage of the Neighbour Cityes especially the City of Kitchen-Norton In Cistern-Burgh are only some few houses of entertainment where commonly do Sojourn for a small season the Journying Citizens of Carp-O-Pan Trout-On and Tench-More with Merchandize from those Marine parts to this tradeing City of Kitchen-Norton Within the liberties of Kitchen-Norton are certain Villages first Hole-Cole a large Town consisting of a strange form of Building of Caves under ground Tongs-Worth Fire-Pan-Wick two
these are to examine all that come in and go out and to mind that none go out Fasting If they find any Person so offending he is condemned to eat two Suppers They are also to mind that none come in Empty-handed for not to go out full-Bellied and not to come in full-Handed is an heinous contempt of the Cities Right-healthful Government Every Month they are bound by Law to Celebrate a solemn Feast where every Alder-maw of the whole Society must be present to consult about the Publick good Their place of meeting is Gurmonds Hall where being met and having turned their Wine into Water and their Oysters into Shells Every one takes his Chair and to Dinner they go Now they may not in any case have their Boars Sheep Goats Lambs c. serv'd up in Parcels and Joynts but they must have all whole You shall see the waiters come sweating with a whole Hogg or a whole Calf upon a great Pewter Engine you would bless your self to behold it and he that riseth before six hours be fully run runs his head under a rigorous fine And for the breaking up of the Feast thus is their Order They have a Door in the Hall large enough for the greatest Gutmonger that lives and take him fasting At this Door they enter when they come to the Feast which being ended he that cannot get his Belly through is let forth another way but he that passes as easily as he came in is stay'd by an Officer appointed for that purpose called the Sergeant of the Maw and brought back again where he must seetle himself to a renewed Rouse untell his Belly be able to kiss both the Cheeks of the Door at once and then he is dismissed They have a common Hospital belonging to this City wherein all such as have got the Dropsie or the Gout or any such disease by his Valour in Gurmondizing are Maintained at the Publick charge But all such as have lost their Teeth by Age or by eating their Broath too hot are forthwith provided for very conveniently and sent away into the Spoon-meat Islands The Citizens are Generally of an unmeasurable Groseness and seemed to me when I saw them walk just like so many Tunns moving each upon two pottle Pots nor is that man worthy of the least Salutation that is not all Cheeks to the Belly and all Belly to the Knees And such shapes do the Women of this City walk in also the German froes do pretty well in Imitation of these Souse-Barrels the Young Women may not Marry till such time as before a Bench of Matrons They make a publick Demonstration that their Dugs and their Chins can meet without forceing of either They go for the most part all naked only their Alder-Maws may wear Gowns which must be only the Skins of such Beasts as they are able to devour alone at one sitting Their Schools have no Lecture Read in them but only Apicius His Institutions of the Art of Muncherie and there are all the young fry taught the Sciences of Carving Chewing and Swallowing most profoundly The Munchery Lecturer when I was there was one Doctor Full-Gorge a man most rare in his Profession and thorowly arquainted with all the Fundamentals of the said Sciences Their Library is a large Room ranked full of Pots and Cans of all sorts every sort in their several Classes so the Schollers have also each his full Pot and his laden Platter for his Book The Fresh men have lesser measures the Sophisters larger and so up to the Graduaits The first perhaps has his Pint and his Pullet the next his Quart and his Goose the third his Pottle and his Lamb and so upwards Nor may any leave his Task or have leave to play till he have made an end of what was injoyned him If any one stay Seven years in these Schools and benefit nothing he is forthwith Banished for ever into the Starveling Isles or Hungerland to deal upon Spanish dinners furnished with half Pilchards Thither also they thrust all Physitians and Prescribers of diets If any one of them be ill at ease he presently eats a raw Radish drinks a little hot Water Spews a while and within a quarter of an hour Viah he lets fly upon Ajax and rises from his roast as sound as a Bell. They love venison entirely well but cannot tell how to catch it only such Deer as comes willingly amongst them those they Intangle in Nets and take them But the noble Swine Oh they prise that Beast above all others whether because of their sympathy of natures being both fatally Consecrated to the Table or by reason that the Swine will feed on the Coursest meat and be soonest fed I am uncapable to determine If any one keep his provant while it stinks he is forthwith condemn'd of High Treason and spitted upon a Stake Only two Reservations their Law agreeth unto The first is they may keep Venison till it be all Hoary and Mouldy And the second is they may lay their Cheese where they think good till it be ready to creep away with Maggots To these Worms they usually scrape a little fine Sugar and with the point of a Knife or a Spoon crash them up as if they were so many Almond Comfits I wonder our Low-Dutch should be such Loggerheads to follow them in this filthy fashion The Wars of the Eat-All-Mains THE Eat-All-Mains have unreconcilable Wars with two other Nations the Hunger landers of the Starveling Islands and the Thrivengers of Thriveingois The first Inhabit certain Western Isles in the Atlantick Sea not far Distant from Eat-All-Main but the Latter lye Somwhat farther off it by reason of a great part of the Territorie of Fool-I-Ana and some parcel also of Shee-Land that puts in between them Their Historical Monuments relate that the Hungerlanders being confederate with the Thevingenians have made many Terrible Invasions upon the Eat-All-Mains Borders and one time gave them a sore Foyl the Inhabitants being forced to hide themselves in Caves under ground untill their gods pittying them made their foes own Chops their fatal destruction for they did so Engorge themselves after this sudden change that growing hereby all diseased there was not a man of them left in three years If you would have given a Spanish Royal for a man no not a man to Cast at a Dog The Thriveingers also the Antient Inhabitants of this Land have made many attempts to Regain their lost Possessions but have been continually beaten back by the Eat-All-Mains good success They march unto Battle Armed only before needing no defence behind because they cannot Run away in Ox Hides Sheep-Skins and Swines Pelts that you would imagine them to be a herd of Cattel that were driving to the watering place Their weapons commonly are Spits and-Fire Forks and some of them have Cross-bows made of the bones of large Oxen. But the very truth is the Drink-All-Mains give them their best Assistance for had it not been
nor Deed. II. That I should never Interrupt a Woman in her Talk III. That I should commit the whole Rule of the House to my Wife IV. That I should never betray any Womans Secrets V. That I should never deny my Wife any Womans Ornaments VI. That I should continually no matter whether right or wrong declare the praise of Women for Beauty Wit and Eloquence and defend it against all men Now therefore you see my Tongue is tyed by Oath not to tell all the Cunundrums that I saw amongst these mad Wenches somewhat I may say but no harm and I le venture to stretch as far as I can without Violating my Oath Their Forms of Government and Elections of Persons of State THeir State is popular each one seeking Superiority and avoiding Obedience they have no absolute Laws but do every thing by the number of their Voices But the manner of giving up their Votes amazed me being unacquainted therewith for they set up a cry altogether none gives ear but every one yells as if she were stark staring mad They hold a continual Parliament about their more Weighty Affairs of State now this continuance is necessary because of their Laws uncertainty for the Decrees of this Day may be all disanulled to morrow but the same day they cannot lest their Law-givers should seem unconstant Every ones voice is a like in worth the whole City through but not every ones Dignity for they have a certain number of chosen Women which they call Gravesses and these have great Authority and Honour in each particular City but they are not born to this Dignity but Elected They had once a Custom to Elect those Gravesses by Vote from amongst themselves but every one giving her Vote for her self only it bred a strange confusion which made them Abolish that kind of Election and make a Decree that only such should have a Right to Vote as would profess themselves neither Young Fair nor Eloquent and this brought all things to as bad a pass as the other extream for now there was not one that would Vote for any body at all so that the State was like to want Governesses At length they all agreed and that was very strange to pass over those places of Electresses unto Twelve of the most aged Matrons of Old Mumping-ton a ruinous Village hard by giving them the glorious Titles of Electres Gravessial to set them the more agog to perform their charges Insted of Scepters and Swords the Gravesses have Fans and Glasses born before them great square Christal Glasses And allwayes as they pass along through the Streets they prink up their Atires and Ornaments and set their Bulls and curl'd Towrs in even and decent Order The Original of the Shee-Landesses THere are few of these Shee-Landesses born in this Nation and those are such as are transported hither in their Mothers bellies but the Principal Inhabitants are either such as will needs wear their Husbands Breeches or such as the Husbands Jealousie Banishes these run Flocking from all parts hither Now all such as are their Husbands Masters and are thereupon banished for their unjust claim to Soveraignty these are assigned to inhabit the frontiers of Shee-Landt especially in the Countries of Shrows-burgh and there they are all put in Garrisons But as for those that are Voluntier Exiles being generally of Meek Spirits they are seated in the heart of the Land to become Votaresses to Peace and Beauty Yet there is no fear that this weal Publick should go to ruine for want of Members and I le tell you why because there are so many Voluntiers comes to this Camp that the fear is rather want of room for new Inhabitants then otherwise I am in great fear lest my Country Women should have any understanding of this State for if once they scent it or get the least smatch of this Land of uncontrouled Liberty we may e'ne go hang our selves for the Devil a Female will stay amongst us nay which will be dreadful we shall not have one big-Belly left to lay the Foundation of a future Age by Therefore let me intreat you Sir as you love the preservation of our Linneage and the General Multiplication of Mankind be silent in this so important a matter and keep this Secret as it highly concerns us undiscovered from our giddy Females unless we can find a better means of Generation Of Giglot-Tangier AT Gossip-Ingoa I Obtained besides my Freedom the Cities Letters for my pasport and from thence took my way towards Giglot-Tangier a Country lying upon the South part of Woman-Decoia toward Letcheritania the Land of it self in these parts is the Worlds Paradice It is not many Leagues from Loves-Den which is the first Town in this Road here I entred into an Aire as delicately scented as if all the Perfumers in England had lately played their prizes here for Soveraignty The whole Country round about is crowded with Apothecaries and Pomandrificoes The Women of this Wapentake are generally Tall and Excellentâ—y adorned with Millinery and Rich Laces only they practice the Art of Cheek-oyling too much thereby to help the defects of Nature by the Effects of Art they wear nothing on their Faces nor on their Breasts for their Habit it is fair in show light in weight and so easie to mount with the smallest puff of Ayr some of them have their Naked parts crusted over with gross painting but this is most commonly used by the Commoners of Merritrixton who are now no entire Nation but scattered as are the Jews in Europe through all the Provinces of Shee-Landt The Women of Shameless for so they call the Shire-Town of Giglot-Tangier have their Houses Except four Pillars that supports the Roof built all with Muscovy Glass as transparent as Air. It is lost labour to seek any of them at home unless you make your Inquest immediately upon their dressing-time or somewhat before but lay your Plot to seek them at a Play house or in a Tavern and it stands upon a good Foundation for there you may be sure to find them in droves either Laughing Singing or Danceing or very diligently imployed in some such Exercise all the Afternoon There is one Street in this Town where are more Danceing Schools then there are Colledges both in Oxford and Cambridg and produces more Practitioners and Proficients and since the Inhabitants are so merrily conceited Take the account in four or five Brace of Gingles High-Clif-Rad-Way for so the Street is Named For frisking Female Academies Famed The Language of the Feet is there Instructed And though some Brisk Ones daily are deducted From those well-Peopl'd Schools whose constant Trade is To teach true Vaulting to the Youthful Ladies There still remains such Crowds of Beauteous Ones Would stock a Court as Large as Solomons But leaving to their Studies my Brisk Lasses To Shrows-Burgh I from Giglot-Tangier passes But leaving the Road on my Right hand Noot a boon Sax Mayls an a waa Bit
according to the pronounciation of the Natives wide of this Town of Shameless lieth Sluts Burrow Or as the Neighbour Countries call it Scotts-Brough To this Town though it was out of my way I Travelled because I would pass by no curiosities and here I was fitted The Air I think might be wholesome but for the stinking Inhabitants Their Beasts hereabouts as there are a great many are generally small women only excepted They have great store of Fowl also as foul Houses foul Wollen foul Linnen foul Pots foul Dishes and foul Trenchers I saw but little Grass but what was in their Pottage The word Hay is heathen Greek to them neither Man nor Beast knowes what it means I made but small stay here for I thought it not safe unless a man could have for every Morsel which he eats an Antidote therefore by the same way I came I returned toward Shrows-Burg and glad was I that I was got into the fresh Air again Of Shrews-Burg IN my return from the Confines Giglot-Tangier being now upon the most Western Angle of the same I happened just as my Staff fell into the Country of Shrews-Burg the only Garrison of this Feminine Government and the only defence it hath against Foreign Invasions Here I was finely gull'd for seeing Persons in the Habits of men this is good thought I I am now gotten out of Woman-Decoia but when all came to all I found my self palpably cousen'd with a borrowed shape for in this Country Women wear Breeches and long Perriwigs and Men go with their Chins naked in Jesticoes and Petticoats Spinning and Carding Wool whilest their Wives discharge the main Affairs of State the Barbarians in Aristotles time never used their Women half so Imperiously as the men are used here the poor Snakes dare not so much as wipe their Mouths unless their Wives bid them nor so much as visit the places of ease or speak a word with their best Friend but they must first come to their Wives with a Petition of Quaeso Magristra Good Mistris give me leave to go c. I Observed this Custom strictly required and the neglect more narrowly peeped into one certain day when I was there than at other times The reason was because some of the better-spirited Husbands disdaining to be chained in this unmanly Subjection by their Tyrannizing Wives had laid a Plot among themselves to rise unanimously on an appointed Night in open Armes and on a sudden against this Female Government thereby resolving to shake off this Infamous and Disgraceful Servitude This Plot had took very good Effect had not Misfortune crossed their good Intentions and Valiant Resolutions Which was by the Means of one Cowardly low-Spirited narrow-Soul'd Henhearted Fellow of their confideracy who being threatned by his Wife to be soundly cudgeled for some other private Fault to procure himself a pardon went and Revealed the whole Plat-form of the Conspiracy just the Evening before the Night appointed for the performance The Women sit at meat and the Men attend the Women sleep and the Men watch the Women scold and fight while the Men are fain to ward with their ears head and shoulders What an uncomly sight was it to see a Distaff and Spindle in a Mans hand and a Sword and Buckler in a Womans yet I concealed my dislike as well as I could desiring only to see without suffering If any Woman use her Husband somewhat gentlier than Ordinary as some of them are tender-hearted she is presently informed against and cited to appear before the High Court of Parliament of Shrews-Burg and there Indicted of High Treason against the State her next Neighbours give Evidence against her with such a noise and fury that it is strange to see their Impatience If she be but convicted by the smallest circumstance that is she is immediately condemn'd to this Punishment first she must change attires with her Husband and then shave off all her hair and so being led by a strong Guard of armed Shrews-Burgisses through the Market-place to the High-Cross where she must stand one whole day upon the Pillory as an Object to all the fleering Scoffs and Derisions of those Crouds of Spectatresses nor shall the man escape scot-free for being so audatious to accept of the favours offered by his Wife without a modest refusal And when the Woman comes home she must not put off those Garments or reassume her others until she brings a Cudgel into the Court all died with the fresh blood of her Husbands broken pate He that out-liveth his Wife must either marry his Maid and be sworn to her service as he was to his former Wives or else he must become Slave to the next Neighbours Wife wherein he hath this favour allowed to chose whether to his right-hand Neighbours or to his left-hand Neighbours and this Law they call An Act of Grace For no man in this City may be the Ruler of his own House In this Country when the Wife goeth forth either to Wars Consultations or for pleasure she leaveth her Keys and therewith her whole Authority and Government to her Maid or her Daughter either of which if the Husband but once mutter against or grumble to obey nay should he but pout or go unwillingly about the performance of his duty his shoulders are sure to suffer severely for it at his Wives return unless he can either begg or bribe the Silence of the Deputy-Governesses They never Lye with their Husbands but when an Appetite for you know what makes them sharp set for that they hold would procure too much Familiarity Notwithstanding If the Husband arise not out of his Cabbin in the entry or under the Stairs before the Wife be warm in her Bed and coming up stairs barefoot knock three times very gently at her Chamber door and offer her his Service in a Low voice and wait her Answer he is sure to be Dissiplin'd with a Bastinado next Morning The Women of this Country observe a Fashion directly contrary to Ours for they clip their hair and let their Nailes grow long There are also certain amongst them that are Professors of the Noble Science of Offence and keep Free-Schools wherein the rest are taught all the Wards Offencive and Defencive both of Heels Nails and Teeth as also the most Exact and modish Methods of Clawing off the Skin of Mens Faces Picking out of Eyes Biting of Arms wringing of Ears and tearing of Hair These Lectures they are instructed in both by Precept and Practice I met many of my own Country men was it not very strange in a Country so remote whom I knew by sight as well as a Beggar knows his dish These Acquaintance like true Friends gave me Cautions from their own Experiences of what Inconveniencies might attend me in staying here Long or being over-curious to inspect their Customs and Manners also giving me such directions which with heed I Observed And following their Advices found the way at length though
with much difficulty through the dirty Fens of Blubberick over the Mushrum-Palian Mountains and so arrived upon the Confines of Fooliana But you may ask why I travelled not into that part where the Modestianians otherwise called the Women of Black-Swan-Mark had their Habitations Why truly I hold my self Infortunate in that one thing alone That I could not come to see their State as well as the rest seeing that my mind presaged unto me that it excelleth all the forenamed There is such a People my friend I tell thee plainly but the Region wherein they Inhabit I could never come to discover only their name I had from the Antient Chronicles of the others States and that as I said is Black-Swan-Mark Indeed there are some of them that live as Hermitisses in the Craggy-Desarts of some other parts of Shee-Landâ— but their Habitations are generally unknown and almost Inaccessible he that will take the pains to search those vast desarts may by Miracle meet with some of those holy Votaresses I happened I think unless it was a Dream to see one or two of them whose variety of Virtues Beauties and Behaviours have left me in an extasy until this very hour which made me so eager in the pursuit of so pleasing a Discovery that I almost ransact every corner of that prodigious Continent But notwithstanding all my dilligence could set eye of no more Therefore whosoever has a mind to Embark in so desperate a Voyage Let him begin to Travel in his Youth lest gray hairs overtake him ere he attains his intended Discovery As for my part I le give it over THE Third Part. Of the Scituation of Fooliana and Populousness thereof FOliana is the most vast and Ill-husbanded Region that ever mine eyes beheld and yet of all the most populous go but upon the Exchange of any Town of Traffick in this whole Nation and you would swear that the whole World came to trade thither Historyographers in their Account of the number of People that are imagined to be in all Europe say that Italy is supposed to contain 9000000 more or less Spain a number somewhat less England 6000000. The Low Countries near as many Germany 15000000. France as many Sicilia 150000. They account also that the Inhabitants of China amount to 70000000. That Country parallel'd with the whole Country of Fooliana is rather an uninhabitable desart than a Peopled Nation It Lieth just under the Antartick pole as the Land of Pigmies is under the Artick and hence I gather that the Extremity of cold in both these opposed Regions is the cause both of the Pigmies smalness and the Foolianders blockishness Nature graceing her self in Counterpoising the defect of the body in one place with as great defect of wit in another Fooliana on the South butteth upon Belly-All-Main On the East upon Woman-Decoia and the farthest Corner of Theving-genia And on the West upon the Mushrom-Palian Mountains The Parts of Fooliana and the Peoples Conditions in General FOoliana the Great is divided into four lesser as namely Fooliana the Fickle just under the Pole Fooliana the Fat towards the South Fooliana the fond Easternly and Fooliana the Devout towards the West The Inhabitants of all these are generally tall their hair of a pale Flaxen their heads like Sugar-loaves their Lips big like Moors and their Ears thick and broad but their Conditions keep not all one form some things they have general amongst them and they are these What ever Stranger arrives amongst them they presently entertain him with all the pleasures that Town House and Table can afford If ye come to any of them all with a Conge Spaniard-like and either commend his good face his new Coat his fine Hand or his fair House seasoning his Affections with admiring applause Your obsequiousness will purchase you any thing his courtesie will Imagine nothing to dear for you for good words and fair promises is all the Money that this Nation useth Yet they have Gold in abundance which they barter away for painted Feathers Glass Beads small Bells and the Shels of Snails The Inhabitants are of a hard Constitution going bare-breasted and thin attired in the depth of Winter to have the more benefit of the Ayr and wrap themselves up in Rugg Gowns in the midst of Summer to keep off the heat of the Sun They have some Phylosotterical professors among them that will go almost naked in the midst of Winter in contempt of the cold and their reason is this That seeing all Creatures except Man can be content with hair and hide only Why should not man that is Master of them all break through all the Battalions of Cold being only armed in his Shirt of nature his Skin And I promise you it is a very Sensible Argument You shall never take any of them solitary for they continually talk and contend in Argument with themselves sometimes one word provoking him to tears and another immediatly to laughter the person being all this while single by himself They have also certain Religious virtuosies among them who begg for scraps wandring through the verges of Fooliana and where they find a Stone with any Picture upon it down they go upon all four with strange mimmical conges and cringes Tapers and noon-day meet ordinarily at every Dinner-time among them they whip themselves cruelly First because no man but themselves will undergo such severe Lashes Secondly Because Calves Blood is a pleasing Sacrifice in the Nostrils of their god their Crowns are shaved lest the hair growing between the Heaven and the brain should be a Hindrance to the mind in her Celestial Meditation The Women of this Nation are the Principal Governesses which I was told grew first upon this occasion The Shrews-Burgisses had overcome the whole Region of Fooliana yet notwithstanding by Reason of the Barrenness of the Soy I would not possess it but left the Natives in possession upon condition they did homage for it unto them paying them an Ass loaden with Gold yearly for Tribute which was paid a long time until at length the Foolianders brake the peace upon these Terms though as for the Gold they did not value it but were contented to pay it had it been twice as much provided the Shrews-Burgisses would come and fetch it themselves when it was due But for them to force a loving Creature and one of their Native Town-born Country-Brood with severe strokes and lashes to bear this burthen out of their land against his own proper will and pleasure This they look upon to be very hard and in their Judgment intolerable whereupon they revolted refusing to perform those Articles and Ratifications on which their peace stood This Revolt incensed the Shrews-Burgisses whereupon they repair to Armes and entring Fooliana marching without resistance through the Country even to the Metropolitan City of Blocks-ford otherwise called Dunce-Town and entring the same Allarms were suddenly spread through the City out comes all the Blocks-fordians crowding
and to hear such a sweet Clamor of Harmonious Bells He had not quite closed his Mouth before the whole Court opens in Acclamations and Approbations of this Project so gravely and States-Man like propounded and presently the Bench arose Commanding the performance according to this so Learned Advice so that he that in his Travels shall hereafter Arrive at this City will find it in far more Glorious Estate then it was my hap to behold That 's certain for I saw some of the Scaffolds raised before I came from thence Of the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza NEre unto Blocks-ford lyeth the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza a Country not long since very Rich and of Antique and Honourable Memory but now it is quite gon down the Wind I observed nothing worthy of note except a Large Forrest called Acteons Dogg-Kennel and an Eight square City called Hey-Dice with another little Corporation by the Inhabitants named Hawks-Pearch The Inhabitants of all these are the only Spenders under the Moon they study nothing in the World but the Mistery of scattering some delighting in Rich Habits some in Doggs some in Hawks some upon a pair of Ivory Cubes or A pack of Speckled Past-boards and thus their patrimonies take Wing and when all is gone but Garments Ene have at all and farewell them too The Dice or the Brokers are their Ordinary Chapmen well what 's a man but his pleasure But now whether this Marquisate belongs to Fooliana the Fond Or the Fat that I cannot resolve But however I am sure 't is within the Territories of Fooliana the Great Some Lawyers and Usurers have formerly inhabited about this Country but in this Latter Age they are all transported and most of them dwell now about the City of Pick-Pocket-an-gul in the Province of Thevingenia of which I shall discourse by and by In this Continent joyning to Spendall-ezza is the Antient port of Cold-harbour which is joyning to Prodigalls Promentory which is a Sanctuary to Banckrupt Debtors To this place Resorts all that are cast in Law or such as are Insufficient to satisfie their deluded Creditors Those in this Country that have any Sons Assign them their patrimonys before Nature allows them any Beards And if in case they dye before this time all the Estate is left to their Wives out of which she pays their debts by Sequestration But if they bury their Wives they lavish more on their Funerals than would serve for a portion with the Foulest of their Daughters Of Clawback-Court BEtween this Marquisate and Fooliana the Fat lieth another Nation called Clawback-Court which is peopled with the strangest Monsters that ever man beheld every man has two faces and speaks with two Tongues This Nation is Born to servitude and voluntarily make themselves Slaves to the Magnificoes of Fooliana the Fat which Borders upon this Country And though they are so sottish that they cannot of themselves enterprise any thing worthy of commendation yet they can immitate and Counterfeit any Action they see done before them The World has not the like for exact resemblances they neither wear Attire speak word or do deed but they have seen the like before When I was there they halted all upon one Leg and went Spiting and Spawling from Morning till Night The Reason was as I since understood that Seignor-Tickle-Ear their Governour had of late hurt his Foot and withall was troubled with an Old Pocky Cough There are by Report some Gallants among them pertaining to the Court speak to or look but upon one of them and you shall have him presently kiss his hand cringe in the Ham and with a Laborious Congee like an Eccho Reverberate the last word you speak and with an Applauding smile twist within you with the most fawning Terms immaginable Mustring up a whole Heralds-Office of Titles and top-heavie Preambles Then putting his lips together stand hovering for your next Syllable to understand how his last was approved which if Current though scarcely Sense is presently Recorded in his Tables as more than Humane Conceipt nay as an adored Oracle then standing with his Eyes fixt on the Element adores you with as warm a Zeal as a Drink-All-Main does Bacchus upon all four These increditable Courtiers are the Principal Gentry in these parts or at least their outward appearance presents them so As for the rest they are or look like Barbers Sales-Men and Milleners They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choice to serve and him they observe with more Sacrifices and Adoration than an Idol but it is from the the Teeth Outwards The first City in this Region is called Praise-all A sight-affecting Structure but so slightly Built that there is no hope it should stand long It is much enriched by the Traffick of the River Fiction and is often damnified by the Inundations of the same Nere this Town standeth a Village called Tongue-Walk where the Inhabitants are continually talking this Village is Scituate at the Foot of a Mountain from whence it ariseth as far as Tickle-ear a Famous Burrow-Town where stands the Mannor-House of their Senior who derives his Title from hence The Inhabitants imploy themselves in continual Laughters On the other side of this Mount lieth a pleasant valley called Soothing-Dale and at the further end thereof is a Marsh called Scoffstowfen which reacheth down as far as Shamesteed a Town of infamous note whither they use to banish all their Witches Conjurers Ass-trologers and Almanack-Makers Of Fooliana the Fat. THis Region appears to exceed all the Southern Countries round about for Wealth and Pleasure and were it as it seems I question whether the whole Northern World could find a Country to parallel it But indeed the People generally feign to have what really they have not and do fairly amplify that which they possess There is a double ledg of Mountains extend some ninety German Miles in length and between them is a spacious Plain of the same length and this is Fooliana the Fat through which the River of Ease a very goodly Current hath its course with many Semi-circling Meanders Do but imagine what delicate Prospects are from so many stately Cities as are ranked on the Mountains sides over the fertil Plaines so Richly watred and stored with fat pastures which are Inviron'd with comely ranks of flourishing Willows The neatness of these Cities excells their number yet are they but of a slight kind of building and though their outward forms promise all decorum yet within you shall find very little good Order At the Mouth of the passage through these Mountains standeth the Castle of Braggadril proudly Built but beggarly Stated And nigh unto it is Backbiting-Burg By this Town is a Rock of incredible altitude called Breakneccliff it is as broad at the top as at the bottom and beareth the form rather of a Tower built by mans hand than any work of Nature This Rock is as famous for a place of Execution here as ever the Tarpeian Cliff was
in Rome On the other side of this Famous Cliff stands the City of Bawds-Den This City has been oftener on fire than ever was Old Rome partly through the Negligence of the Citizens and partly through the aptness to take fire for they use in their Buildings Brimstone instead of Lime and Brandy instead of Water which serves them instead of Tarris or Morter being mixed together Adjoyning to this is Scituate another little City called Puncks-nest Built all of Flint and a little further towards the Frontires of Idle-Burg lie those large Mountains commonly called Holiday-Hills where the people keep continual Revels and sit in Judgment upon such as offend by observing working dayes Two fair Cities are seated on these Hills Games-bury and Merry-Com-twang and on the East side of them the River Ease falls into the River Idle making three or four Islands called by the Inhabitants the Dancing-Isles Inhabited only by Organists Pipers and Fidlers The Quality and Conditions of the People EVery Individual man in this Country professes himself a Gentleman Born And most of them can shew Pedigrees for a thousand years before the World was created you shall have their Galleries drawn with their Lineal and Colateral Descents though the Neighbours are able to prove their Grandfathers were either Carters Costermongers or Coblers Their best sort of Gentry content themselves with the poorest fare that ever attended a fasting-day yet some of them perhaps will make a feast once a year which for excess of Provisions and Multitudes of Guest will put a period to the Inviters Revenues who all the year after will defraud his barking stomach to accomodate the back with the best he can rake together yet will they never acknowledg or confess their defect of Belly-Timber but the contrary where ever you meet them about dinner time you may observe them picking their Teeths as if newly come from the destruction of a Regiment of Dishes No man that knows them will lend them a Groat upon their Credits Therefore they are obliged to to hire their Apparel at the Burrow Town of Brokeria or take it up at Bumaree of the Merchants of Tallymore They give themselves tedious long Names and delight to have their Country and alliance mentioned in their Titles which being joyned together it is directly impossible to pronounce in a breath The Gentleman-Cook at the Ordinary where I dined was named Signior Hernando Gonzalo Ribadenira de Toledo They wear their Swords generally as long as their Titles for I hapned to be there when the Youth were Training or indeed more properly Trayling as appears by their Trayling of Swords at their heels as we our Pikes to accommodate the Funerals of a Field-Officer But hold there stand clear a little I am resolved to have one touch at this long Sword with my verse-Pen Walking the Fields to view the Martial Train With Drums and Colours Marching on the Plain That which I saw which most Delight affords Was Pigmy-Gyants with Gygantick Swords Have you a Barbers Pole or Sign-Post view'd Such was each Weapon as to Longitude But was not altogether quite so Large Hung like the Rudder of a Western Barge The Pommel like the Helm each by his Hand Steers his small Burthen'd Bark with at Comand The Guard or Hilt I fancied did appear Like nothing more than a deep Cullender I saw one drawn and then it look't me thought Like a long Spit run through a Porridg-Pot Which on a March Good Service may afford Steal but a Lamb and Spit it on the Sword And a good shift for Rost-meat take my Word Ostridge Feathers are as dear with them as Russia Furs with us some of them will hang Bells at their heels that the noise may attract peoples eyes upon their graceful carriage as they pass the Streets One thing I marvelled at among the rest as well I might most of them instead of Meat live upon the fume of a certain Herb which they receive through a long Engine made of white Clay into their Mouths from whence it issues like the fume of a Brewers Chimney I know not certainly whether they had this from the West Indians or the West Indians from them Yet some affirm that the Indians of the Torred Zone Invented the same to make themselves black within disliking to have their inner parts of one Colour and their outward of another Some of them wa st their patrimonies upon this kind of Diet Smoaking so long till all the Fat be in the Fire and all the Fire out of the Kitchen Some of them especially in Bawds-Den and Punks-nest keep certain females as long as their Estates will last certain did I say well I was mistaken for when they have sweetned you out of most of your Superfluous Guinies Their Lodgings are removed and 't is very uncertain where or when either you or their Landladies shall see them again These had formerly the Titles of Harlots But since their Language has been more Civilized they give them the Alamode Name of Courtezans which the Modern Translation Renders Miss Besides a Wife these Supernumeraries are allowed to such as can maintain them both by Law and the Antient Custom of the Country Of the Paradice of Fooliana the Fat. THere is not in all Fooliana so Rare and Stupendious a Monument as The Paradice of Fooliana the Fat A work worthy of admiration You shall afar off behold a shining Mountain all of pure Gold or it seems so and that 's as good framed in old time by Chymical Art On the top of this Mountain standeth a Palace of Cristal built by the Goddess Fortune where she Inhabits giving freely all Abundance to her Credulous Worshipers Hither do People Flock from all the Nations of the World but especially from Fooliana the Devout There are very few in the World but have seen this Mount and Ascended it Men may talk of our Lady of Loretto Or St. James of Compostella They are but Desarts in Comparison of this Here the Pilgrims lye prostrate in the Valley as thick as hailstones in the Road after a frosty Storm but none must approach the ascent of the Hill till they behold a white Banner displayed which is a sign the Goddess is pleased they should ascend then unanimously with Acclamations they bellow Madona Scoperta and then run that run can crowding one another in the narrowness of the passage happy is he that can get first each praying that it would be the Goddesses pleasure to grant his desires One prayes to attain his Love Another that Fortune would send him a Wife that is no Shrew A Third for Honours A Fourth for Riches here you shall have a parcel of Young Heirs praying for the Deaths of Parents and Vncles and there a Crowd of Beardless Students praying devoutly for the Funerals of the Reverend and Right Reverend Their was an Old Fat Blade Cloathed with a Coate paley of Argent and Sable and on his head a Crown of very Antick Fashion almost like