arriuing the greater scarcity of Belly-timber must needs ensue By this meanes no stranger escapes them vnlesse he bee either too strong for their assaults or too leane for their stomacks They are most of them Blacksmiths notwithstanding that the Eatealls banish all their Philosophers and Phisitians hither and so doe the Spaniards all their slaues that haue serued out their time They haue a strange and fierce wilde Beast rangeth continually in the night all about the deserts of this Iland and they giue it the name of An Emptie-Maw It will keepe such a terrible barking that it makes the hollow ayre eccho againe and he of this land that heareth it not barke once in twelue houres growes deafe immediatly but hee that heareth it thrice in six and thirty houres and giueth it nothing to deuoure ere twelue houres more be runne dieth presently without all auoidance Touching other beasts I saw none in all this whole Iland but a sort of Wolues and some Monkeyes that had eaten of a great part of their owne tailes Not any else could I espie Indeed I durst not make any long aboade in so leane a land it was no wisdome was it thinke yee Thus farre of Eat-allia and the adiacent Iles now come we to Drink-allia and so good night Of Drink-allia the second prouince of Tenter-belly CHAP. 1. The Conditions of the Inhabitants LEt none expect any exact description of Drink-allia in this place for I durst not for mine eares offer to go into any Cittie of the whole Prouince vntill it was darke night that all the citizens were wrapt in wine and warme clothes and then you know how was it possible to discouer any thing you may perhaps say what should you feare faith I le tell yee harke in your eare I feared the Burgomaisters bountie for their fashion is as soone as any one settes foote in at the Cittie gate to giue him by my troth I wotte neere how many lifts of Wine for his welcome oh they receiue him in pompe and all of the common purse of the Cittie now so many stoopes must hee pull of or else hee is held an vngratefull vnmannerly fellow and which is worse a direct foe to the common good of the Cittie Now I feared both this honour and this danger and now I hope you are answered To our purpose This Prouince is some-what larger then Eat-allia and what that hath in wealth this hath in intemperancie It is as broad or rather broader then both the Germanies nor is there any nation vnder the cope of heauen so fortunate nor so aboundant in the delicate iuice of the grape as this is The peculiar wines of all our kingdomes of Europe the Germaines Rhenish the Frenchmans White and Claret the Spaniards Xeres Malaga and the Canaries tush they haue them all here in excesse The temperature of their bodies are somewhat different from the Eat-alls for these delight in the qualities of heate and drought whereas the Drink-alls especially affect heate and moisture so that the bordering neighbours doe ieastingly call the Eat-alls Blackmen and Kitchin-Tenter-bellyes but the Drink-alls they name Read-men and Cellerian-Tenter-bellyes But their bodies and their wittes hold both one key in difference for the Drink-alls as they are more ingenious then the Eat-alls so are they much more lasciuious In their young yeares they are generally very quick witted but being come to a more grauer age especally old age they grow so forgetfull that you shall not haue one amongst twenty that can remember his owne name The Shires of the Countrie CHAP. 2. THe Inhabitants affirme the whole Prouince to bee diuided into three Counties the countie of Wine-cester the county of Vsque-bathe and the countie of Hoppe-Sack or Strong-biera The first of these Wine-shire is parted from Eat-allia vpon the westerne verge thereof by the riuer Piss-on a salt current that ebbes and flowes This riuer runnes round about the Dukes Palace and as for the saltnesse the Philosophers of this countrie say it hath it not from the sea but from an ayrie humor that often-times falls vpon it The first towne that I came vnto in this region was called Vine-spring and was in forme of a fiue-angled trencher it lay downe as farre as Vine-prophils and so some of it became part of the suburbes of Cluster-beg a pretty fine Cittie walled about with stones of the colour of bricke but some-what deeper of dye This Cittie stands in the bottome of Pressing-dale a valley so called through the which runnes a delicateriuer called Iuice which passeth along by three or foure pretty citties seated vpon the bankes thereof most iudiciously and to the founders eternall commendations their names as I remember were Tankards-bridge that was the first then Tunning-trie then Broachingford lastly Carousi-kanikin Tunning-try I remember was fotified with a wall of wood and Broaching-ford had neuer but one gate open at once and that when it was shut was made fast with nothing but the end of a faggot-stick There is not in all the world any one riuer comparable to this that runs through these cities Donaw Thames Volga Seyne or Sir Walter Rawleys riuer of Guiana put them all in they are but kennells to this for besides the pleasing Meanders that hee makes in his wanton course the water is so sweete and delicate that neither the best Europes wine nor the Turkes delicious Zerbeth can possibly goe beyond it This worthy sonne of the Ocean hath one peculiar fish belongeth vnto it called a Tappe and this fish will some-times lye by the shore and spoute a huge deale of the water aloft mary the remaining of it in his belly hath made it some-what more pleasing to the taste then it was before and this the inhabitants watch for in boates and when they get it make great store of it This riuer as I told you passeth through Tuning-try masse I had fotgotten one towne it goeth from thence to Celleridge ere it come to Broaching-ford and so by Broaching-ford passeth directly vnto Carousi-kannikin the prime Cittie of the whole Prouince The description of Carousi-kanikin chiefe City of Drinke-allia as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls CHAP. 3. CArousi-kanikin is a name that I vnderstand not further then that I haue a little light of it from the Germaine tongue but as for the citie it is built vpon an hill and carieth the forme of a Tankard from what quarter soeuer you behold it It is of ancient renowne and one of the best seated ports for traffique in all the whole land On the East part it is strongly fortified with Barricadoes and Bulwarkes built all of Barrels and the roofes of the houses are most of one and the same manner tiled with the boords of broken Caskes In the entrance of the gate from morning vntill night there is placed a double canon of Pewter for their lawe commandeth this to bee duly obserued the citizens call it the Flaggon of Hospitalitie
Denis wherein the soules of such as either liued too soberly or killed themselues desperately are purified by fire and there they burne vntill some of their liuing friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappell Ardent for a bottle of St. Borachios water powring that vpon their tombe they are freed I smiled at this and thought now surely I haue found the originall of Purgatorie let Abbat Odilo and his Monkes of Corunna tell mee neuer so many tales of mount Aetna and many good morrows 't is here or 't is no where Well at length we came a shore and found it a pretty sweete towne in truth to giue it the due marry it was both paued with bottles and roofed with letherne bougets I doe not remember I saw any attificer in all the towne but letherne Iack-makers and taylors for Bottle-cases so that now I saw what vtterance the Eat-alls had for their hides The reason is the men of this towne and country vse no pure wine as the other Drink-alls doe but certaine distilled waters mixt with the strongest grape they can get which are so forcibly hott that the brittle glasse cannot hold them and therefore they are driuen to fortifie their bottles with letherne Ierkins riuerted together with pitch and rosen The citizens are fiery of face and cholericke of condition enuious suspicious paralitique and of a staggering manner of pace in their going but that which is most terrible of all they drinke and they breath nothing but meere flames As much cold water or scarr-gut as one of vs will drinke so much fire will one of them take that a man would verily imagine when hee saw them that they were so many fire-drakes or Saint Georges dragons I was in danger of water before but now I feared nothing but that I should be stifled with fire So that I left my companion in his orisons vnto Bacchus I loued him well but I loued my selfe better the very next morning I got me out of this Vulcans shop for so it was and a very Cyclops forge rather then a Citie of Bacchus Now being vpon my way I began to resolue with my selfe to passe by the verges of Lecheritania back againe and so to see some-what of the fashions of the Hop-sackers the third countie of Drink-allia but iust as I was plodding on with this thought in my head rushes mee forth an Ambush of armed Sheelandresses you heard of Shee-landt before besette mee tooke mee and carryed mee prisoner the more vnfortunate I a long and toylesome iourney euen to the chiefe cittie of the land called Gossipingoa I would not haue the reader take any vnkindnesse at my hands for omitting the rest of Drink-allia for as my Pilgrim told me it is the basest part of the land this countie of Hop-sack and but that it is more beast-like different in nothing from the others which you heard described before Finis lib. 1. The second Booke The description of Shee-landt or Womandeçoia Of the situation and the parts thereof CHAP. 1. THE new discouered Womandeçoia which some mistaking both name and nation call Wingandecoia make it a part of Virginia otherwise called Shee-landt lieth in that part of the Southerne continent which our Geographers of Europe called Psytacorum Regio the land of Parrots On the North side it boundeth vpon Letcheritania a nation that is a great enemy to it on the South vpon Thriuingois on the East vpon the two Fooliana's the Fickle and the Fatte The soile thereof is very fruitfull but badly husbanded It is diuided into many Prouinces both large and ritch yet all of seuerall conditions habites and languages The principall of them are these Tattlingen Scoldonna Blubberick Gigglot-angir the high and the lowe Cockatrixia Shrewes-bourg and Blackswanstack otherwise called Modestiana Not farre from these is also an Iland called I le Hermaphrodite or more properly Double-sex Many of these Prouinces did I passe through sore against my will I le bee sworne But to speake the truth Tattlingen is the best country of all the rest hath many faire cities in it as Pratlingople Tales-borne Lyps-wagg through the last of which there runneth a great riuer called Slauer which some-times will ouer-flow the bankes and drowne all the lower part of the country which they call Chinn-dale but the countrimen haue now deuised very strong rampires of bones and bend lether to keepe it from breaking out any more but when they list to let it out a little now then for scouring of the channell But of all the citties of Tattlingen or of all Shee-landt Gossipingoa is the principall Thether was I brought and deteined a great deale longer then stood with my good liking I will for passing away a little time vntill the Capon bee enough we haue nothing else to do discourse the whole progresse of their dealing with mee here and then I le goe on with the conditions of this new nation How the Gossipingoesses vsed the Author of this discouerie CHAP. 2. AS soone as these cruell conqueresses had taken mee vpon the borders of Lecheritania they brought mee away to their chiefe city so to the court told a bell and presently all the inhabitants came flocking thether in a trice began to prie more narrowly vpon mee who stood bound sure enough god wot for offering them any false measure At length one of the rout their Captainesse it seemed shee was gaue a signe to the rest to be silent as she had need and then bespake the company thus What or of whence this fellow is I doe not know onely wee tooke him in the confines of yonder damned country Letcheritania and seeing they haue offered vs so much iniury I hold it very fitte now if it bee not too late to begin to take reuenge of them and first with this prisoner Now she hauing made an end I got leaue with much a doe for noise to speake so declared my nation and the cause of my wandring as well as I could and told her Womanship that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Letcheritania I was one that wished her Madam-hood and all hir sex all the good I could and that it would derogate much from her nature clemencie and from the honor of her iust gouernment to condemne an Innocent pilgrim and one that had not offended without hearing of his cause Well these good words I can tel yee wrought so prettily well that the poore yong wenshes began many of them to weepe yet the old countesses were not so much ouer-swaied by mine oration but that I must to prison to a great house in the market place called Cold and comfortlesse vntill my country and cause of trauell were truely manifested vnto the Shee-counsell Well to warde I went and but that my countries name the true Paradice of women pleaded for mee I had neuer come home aliue for all the Lecheritanians that they take they either faire hange vp or
you shall as commonly see legges of men hang vp as here with vs you shall finde pestels of Porke or leggs of Veale Through this citty runs the riuer Furieuse with a course like a torrent which in winter they say will be exceeding hotte aboue your fountaines in frost and giueth vp vnwholesome fumes Hard by it stands the Dukes Pallace on the top of an exceeding high hill called Mount Scalpe and it is reported how it is growne to this height onely by the multitude of dead mens heads that haue beene throwne on an heape continually in this place The Dukes Pallace is built of brick very strong yet liueth hee in a continuall suspect of his subiects loyaltie and had rather trust his owne Iron gates then their glassie obedience Hee hath a guard of 10000. Hacksters who are ministers both to his furie and gluttony If any stranger come heere that knoweth not how all goeth he is presently seazed vpon his head presented to the Duke for picking meat at supper which hee holdeth more delicate and hunteth more after then euer did Vitellius after the Phoenicopters tongues or Lampreyes intrailes Hee likens a Negro to a Thrush and a white man to a Quaile but such as dye onely to doe his gutts seruice are farre better vsed then the rest for they as Olympias offered Euridice haue their choice what way they will dye whether being hangd or beheaded The most famous mount in all this Pallace is the Inquisition chappell they call it Saint Shambles dedicated vnto the powers infernall whose statues stand all therein in horrible figures wrought all with Ieatt and Corall and these doe they offer their orisons vnto Here might you behold all the sorts of deaths and tortures possibly to bee deuised Wheeles Iibbets Hatchets Halters Swords Clubbes and rusty Pistols so old that I dare passe my worde for the Chinians they will confesse that they had their first Gunnes from hence A thousand Altars are in this Chappell fuming with continuall sacrifices to the Deuill and the Duke offering the soule to appease the furie of the first and the body to satiate the couetousnesse of the later and for the bloud they haue a certaine Arte to keepe that from congelation and so caske it vp like Aligant for the Dukes owne weasand Through the middest of this chappell runneth a channell called Nastie and downe that they scowre all the filth of the bloud-stained pauement These men doe neuer goe but runne altogether and generally you shall not misse to take them all on a sweat But there are two strange things and worthy obseruation in this countrie the first is you shall not finde one man in this whole region but hee is either lame in body or deformed in face which the more scarres that it beares the more beauty it is held to adde vnto the bearer and the second is that a man of three score yeares old is here held for a miracle For it is more then extraordinary for any of them to attaine to the middle age of man they are flesht so young Neere to the heart of the countrie is a fenne called Full-gall as large and as famous as euer was the ancient Meotis now called Mar delle Sabacche The water of it is of a deepe yellow to the eye and most bitter to the taste it ouerfloweth the bounds very often but at no sett times and some-times drownes the most part of Cholerikoye that which it doth drowne the sulphurous nature of the water doth burne as Phaetons ill-guided waggon did the whole world and at these times do all the inhabitants bottle vp this water imagining that being drunke it annimateth their spirits vnto the most dangerous attempts But here I would not haue my reader too credulous for I haue this but by heare-say by my faith sir I durst not goe to see if it were true or no I rememberd that French-mans saying too wel Il faut menager la vie This part of Fooliana was too dangerous a region for me to trauell I staid at mine ease in Blockes-ford and held it better to take this relation vpon credence then to confirme it with mine owne experience Fooliana the fond CHAP. 6. THis part of Fooliana is both the largest and the most ancient of all the rest the inhabitants of it affirme themselues to haue been created in this country before any other part of the world was peopled so that is held the mother of all nations as Blocks-ford is of citties It lieth in the very middest of all the rest as the nauell of this goodly body On the South it hath Fooliana the craggy on the East the Fickle on the West the Deuoute and on the North the Fatt The south part of it is called Cocks-combaya peopled with slouthfull flegmatique inhabitants but the northren part therof is possessed by more industrious and actiue spirits Had I not beheld the strange behauiours of this stupid sort of people with mine eyes I should neuer haue beleeued that nature had bestowed so diuine a gift as reason vpon such brutish creatures For all those that border vpon Fooliana the craggie goe directly like beasts vpon all foure nor doe they know silly things any other way of going There is no house in all this part of the country because the inhabitants neither can build any them-selues nor dare aduenture to come into any that are built by others least they should fall vpon their heads There are euery yeare great multitudes of them starued and stormed to death in that they can neither make ready their meate nor frame themselues apparell nor beds nay they can scarcely speake true sence not a man of them that knowes his owne father nor his owne sonne nor wife nor how to returne the same way he came nor how to distinguish a Beare from a Sheepe or a Lion from a whelpe Nay you haue of them that cānot tel whether they should put their meate in at their mouth at the nosthrils at their eares or at some other more vnseasonable hold finally to be briefe imagine but that you saw a Camane Asse in an humaine shape and such an one is a true Cockscombayan Of Asse-sex Sect. 2. ASse-sex the Northerne part of Fooliana the fond is some-what better furnished with wit and worthier of a trauellers presence and obseruation The people hold themselues wonderful wise and professe the search of natures most abstruse effects neuer leauing till they haue drawne one reason or other from the very depth of inuestigation They haue but one eye a peece They are not borne so but the parents at the childs birth plucks out the other as being of no vse in nature in that when the one eye is shut the other hath a more strong facultie to discerne Part of this nation go all naked to auoid the labour of putting on off part of them haue houses but with out either dores or walls that the fresh aire may haue
5. NOw I come againe to Lyers-burie plaine which lieth vpon the Easterne verges of Robberswaldt and Legerdumayne beeing a free march vnto them both there is a riuer runs thorow the midst of it called memento which parts the whole plaine into two and on this riuer are diuers of the Liegerdumaynians townes of garrisons seated I am far mistaken if I saw not her some olde monuments of Pliny and Herodotus in this very dale Mercurius Gallobelgicus has built himselfe a delicate house in the country and there is a certaine Cardinall an Historian that hath layd the foundations of a mighty and spacious castle in these quarters For euer since Spaine got the conquest of those Indies that ioyne vpon this land the Liegerdumanians haue giuen leaue to the Iesuites those busy-bauds that must scald their lips in the whole worlds pottage to visite and to inhabite this land which the Robberswalders irruptions had otherwise vtterly dispeopled Here are many Astrology schooles whose professors are more in fauour with the Liegerdumanians then any other artists whatsoeuer excepting poets lawiers In this very place did I better confesse here then in a worse place set vp a schoole my selfe and read the lecture of spying maruells in the heauens vrinall as methodically as any Star-gazer a◠thē all I had my Ptolomy my Guido Bonatus my Bencorat my Zahel my Messahalach my Albohali my Hali Aben Razehell al at an inch and by their prescriptions wrote an infallible prognostication of these present times These Liegerdumaynians are far more sociable at least more circumspect secret in their villanies then the Robberswalders for that which these doe in publike the Leigerdumaynians doe very closely liuing vnder a law a Prince also called as I heard by the name of Tiberiodi Goldē-gripi who keepeth state in Free-purloine a delicate citty in the very inmost edge of Lyers-burie plaine they neuer stir abroad on the day time but effect all their businesse in the night they hate the sunne and loue the moone both with the extreamest of affection The trees of this soile are naturally so viscous y◠no bird can light in them but she is presently taken The greatest town of trafike in al this tract is Bagges-death otherwise called Bolseco wherein there are two streetes Tongue-street and Pawns-brooke which two in my iudgment exceed all the streetes of any one citty in the world for largenesse for buildings Tonguestreete is the Rendeuous of all the lawiers and Cause-mongers Pawnes-brooke of the vsurers brokers and taylers And surely there is no nation vnder heauen so stored with lawiers as this is who as Plautus saith of one if they wante meanes of contention play the seed-men and sow them themselues Our Westminster lay all the Innes of Court and Chancery to it is but a very Katherines hall to the vtter Temple of this streete and yet though their number do daily increase it is held notwithstanding by the best politicians of the land that they cannot continue For when they haue lickt vp all the whole country as they haue almost done already they must needs lacke clyents and so for want of emploiment goe to law one with another by that meanes disperse their euill gotten goods amongst the cōmunalty againe to leaue their posterity the means of more gainefull trading The lawiers men are all suted in party coloured liueries to signifie that their maisters are ready to take fees on either side Now as for their emploiment the vsurers doe make them the most of it togither with the violent riuer Fraude which running amongst the Quirkney Iles eateth one peece away here and casteth it vp there and afterward washeth it from thence and laies it in a third place changing his course now and then and taking away one mans whole inheritance to giue it vnto another this it is that makes worke for the lawiers The Inhabitants are most of them as the High-land men of the Alpes are troubled with Chowles vnder their chins called the Mony-chokes a malady so ordinary amongst them that they neither care for curing it nor couering it But here is a strange worke of nature their skinnes doe naturally attract gold and siluer with as powrefull a strength as the loadestone draweth steele and holds it as fast a thing that was neuer seene elsewhere and therefore the worthier of record Pawnes-brooke is peopled with all sorts of artificers Yet they open no shops but euery one attends the passengers at his owne dore with what lack yee Gentlemen then if he get a chapman hee leads him in and shewes him his wares in priuate One will shew yee a chaine crusted offer with thin plates of gold and sweare that India nor Arabia did euer afford purer mettall Another cheares yee with a counterfeite Musk-cod a third with pearles so rarelie adulterate both for weight fashion clearenesse smoothnesse and biggenesse that you cannot discerne them from true ones and then hee will shew yee the shells wherein they grew And here yee shall haue your Lapidaries with gemmes of all sortes able to delude any eye in the world the Cyprian Dyamond the Corynthian Hephestiles the Sicilian Agat the Aegiptian Galactites the Arabian Asbest the Macedonian Paeanites the Asian Alabandine the Indian Berill the English Ieat the Persian Eagle-stone the African Chalcedon the Scithian Smaragde the Germaine Corneil the Aethiopian Chrysolite the Lybian Carbuncle here they are all al singularly forged Apothecaries there are also here in great abundance and these do nothing but sophisticate receites with their Succedanea their quid pro quo It would aske a great volum to make a perticular discouery of their deceites But one thing I am amazed at grieue at their successe herein they are neuer takē in their falsifications be they neuer so grosse nor do they feare any trial of their forgeries but only that of the fire When they are tript they are punished with al seuerity but they haue this preuention for that they can change their shapes voices trades habits vpō an instant so cunningly that he doth but wash an Ethiop that seeketh for him to day that couzend him yesterday There is a famous schoole in the suburbes where art Spagirike pardon me you Alchymists or blame your selues that haue giuen falshood so good a name is read vnto the youth of the city And here they haue a booke which they hold as holy as the Turkes do their Alcaron it is called The History of Mercury a booke vnknowne to vs wherein is related how he in his infancy stole Neptunes mace Mars his sword Phaebus his bow and shafts Vulcans tongues and Venus her girdle and how hee proloind Ioues thunder being as then so young as it seemed hee had learnt the art of filtching in his mothers belly It conteyned furthermore all the documents of deceite and cousenage whatsoeuer Teaching the student of it how to picke lockes how to
cast out your angle-hooke amongst them but immediatly like the soules in Lucian about Charons boate or Cole-miners about the Rope when the candles burning blew tels the dampe commeth you shall haue hundreds about the line some hanging on the hooke and some on the string besides it such is their pleasure to goe to the pot such their delight to march in pompe from the dresser Besides the land hath diuerse good hauens but they serue for harbour to no ship but such as comes fraught with good fare and is laden with delicious viands If any parcell of their fraight haue taken Salt-water or bee otherwise offensiue to the iudgment of the maister of the custome-house it commeth not a shore by any meanes The soyle beares no tree that beares no fruite Ashes Oakes Willowes such fruitlesse fill-roomes such saw I none for none were there to be seene But all the hedges and so it is also in Drink-allia were stuck thick with Hops and surely in my conceit the westerne English and the Lumbards had this custome at first from the Drink-alls This territory of old was vnlesse their chronicles do mistake vnder the gouerment of the Thriuingers inhabitants of Thriuingois a nation lying a good way further into the maine land for their Annales report how in the dayes of old Saturne the Thriuonian Princes bare sway ouer all this continent and had their principall seate in that part now called Eat-allia and that because the men of those times liued most part vpon Garlick called in Latine Allium therefore was this region called Allia but forreine inuasions ensuing and those antient worthies being hereby chased from their places of soueraigntie the conditions of the people grew to a great alteration to proportionate the name of the country to the natures of the inhabitants they added Eate vnto the ancient name Allia so from that change it beareth the name of Eat-allia vnto this present Dressembourg the first Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 3. DRessembourg is the first part of this great land of Eat-allia fittest for vs to begin with in our intended discouery This Canton were it not for a greater instinct of naturall inclination is in too hotte a climate for any true Eatall to inhabit for the vttermost corner of it which some Geographers name the South cape lieth vnder the same latitude with the most Southerne point of Castile and is about two and fortie degrees distant from the Aequinoctiall The inhabitants be of a swartie tawnie and most of them haue their skins all riuelled and withred and for their conditions they affect deliciousnesse rather then excesse Vpon the foresayd point of this Canton which wee named the Swarty cape as the whole countrie is wondrously ouer-clowded with smoke partly because the soile is very Fennish and partly because of the neerenesse of Terra del fuego the land of Fire which lieth as all the discouerers thereof doe with one voyce affirme immediatly vpon the right hand thereof standeth the citty Kitchin the buildings of which towne are generally very lofty and yet as generally smoakie and euill sented I imagine that Cochin in the East Indies was a colony sent at first from this citie In the midst of this cittie standeth a goodly temple dedicated to God All-Panch a vaste and spacious building wherein there are a thousand altars burning with continuall Incence excepting from Shrouetide vnto Easter-euen vnto the foresaid Deitie In the midst of this temple is a tower erected of incredible altitude no worke made with mans hand euer came neere it the Pyramides of Memphis are but mole-hils to it the inhabitants called it Chymney-turret and from the height thereof the whole region round about it haue the vsuall signall of warte giuen them for whereas wee vse to giue notice of such ensuing dangers by fyring a tarre-barrell on the toppe of a beacon they on the contrary side haue their information from the ceasing of the smoake for when-so-euer that eternall fume ceaseth to ascend in caliginous clouds it is a sure warning that the foe approacheth and this inuasion is most cōmonly attempted by the inhabitants of the Starueling Iles otherwise called Hunger-landers for these are the most formidable enemies that the Eat-alls haue or can be annoied by Neare vnto the sayd City Kitchin are certaine villages that are all within the liberties thereof and first there is Cole-house a large towne truely and all consisting a strange forme of building of caues vnder the ground then is there Ashe-ton and that stands vpon the toppe of Cole-house on a most droughty and barren soile Tonges-worth another little village and this Ashe-ton are both in one parish and so is Fyer-pan and Ayre-bumme two goodly sweet farmes On the left hand you haue three others Spit-stead Kettle-drop and Spoones-by all pretty townes and maruellous well peopled Kettle-drop hath a faire riuer passeth through it called Ture-mois which they say boyleth euery 24. houres not much vnlike the fountaine of the Peake in England Banquet-ois the second Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 4. PAssing out of Dressembourg the next Canton yee enter is the very garden of all Eat-allia it is called Banquetois and is as it were a continuall forrest of nothing but Dates Almonds Figges Oliues Pomegranates Cytrons and Nutmegs and the riuer of Oylebrooke hath his course through the heart of all this goodly territory The Citty of March-paine is the chiefe towne of note in this Canton beeing built after a stately manner with turrets and obeliskes all guilt ouer but indeede it is but of a slender kinde of fortification and lieth verie open to the enemies cannon a little aboue this City are certaine mines called the Sugar-hills whence they digge a certain oare in collour whitish in touch hard in tast sweete a substance vnknown of old since hauing bin counterfetted by arte and drawne by Alchymy out of the Arabian and Indian Reedes This City hath very few inhabitants of any yeares that haue any teeth left but all from 18. to the graue are the naturall heires of stinking breaths Next vnto this lieth another little corporation called Drugges-burge and here they haue a law that none must bee made free of the City but Apothecaries Grocers and Boxe-makers The Shee-landresses vse much traffique vnto this place but more vnto Letcheri-tania where they vse to make exchange by bartering christaline glasses for vnguents and Pomanders Now for these Drugges-burgers the very heauens seeme to conspire with the places fitnes to increase their trading for at certaine times of the yeare you shall haue the whole countrie couered quite ouer with Aromaticall trochisches comfits and confections that fall from the aire in as great aboundance at those times when they do fal as euer fel showre of Haile Now I hold this to be nothing really but that same hony-dew which we shall finde now and then vpon the leaues of the Oke in a
the situation thereof THeeuingen is bounded on the West with the straite of Magellanus and on the East with Fooliana the deuout part of Tenter-belly It is a soile so vtterly voide of fertility excepting one little country that Pluto might rather seeme to haue stolne Ceres daughter frō hence then from Sicily Nor shepheard nor husbandman shall yee finde here would yee seeke your heart out yet is it not strange that this barren country should neuer-the-lesse haue such aboundance of all necessaries maye and superfluities also that it may challenge all the world in a prize of wealth and as farre as their naturall fiercenesse permitteth of delicacy too Take it from me quoth Hieremy Ratcliffe they may there is no rariety nor excellent thing of worth in all the world but they will haue it by hooke or by crooke and if they once get it yee shall sooner get a fart from a dead man then fetch it back out of their clouches The Easterne part is enritched by the spoiles of the two Fooliana's the Fatte and the Deuout the Westerne by the treasures of India together with the Spaniards Caricks and Cacaplataes for they are the notablest Pyrates of the whole terrestriall Globe Assambeg of Alexandria Barbarossa Captaine Warde and Yagup Hemskerk tush these were all meere Adalantadoes of Herring-boates in respect of the Piraticall spirits this climate affords I say it and I will stand vnto it The whole countrie is deuided into two Signiories Robbers-waldt and Lieger demaine the first of which butts vpon Fooliana and an angle of Tenter-belly the latter lyeth more West and against all custome of the other Theeuingers the wandring Robber swalders keepes it selfe in the owne bounds but both of them are barbarous and vtterly inhospitable The conditions of the Robbers-walders CHAP. 2. RObberswaldt is diuided from the two Foolianaes by the Fennes vsually called Filtching-fennes wherein there are more Ilands or full as many as is in the riuer Rawley of Guiana made by the turnings of the water The whole region is so woody and mountainous that it seemes rather a desart then a place inhabited and as Strabo saith of a cittie in the world is to be held fitter for rebellion then habitation Their language is very crabbed I could not possibly learne it onely I obserued some Welsh words taught them as it seemes by some ancient trauellers of our Westerne Brittons This Signiorie is indifferent well peopled but vnder no forme of rule each man holds himselfe borne onely for himselfe and so liueth obeying and respecting himselfe onely What he can bereaue another of by any violence whatsoeuer is forth-with his owne as good and lawfull prize and the more powerfull he growes the more he is feared and is attended by the more vndersharkers that are his followers they liue all in certaine families all which giue due obedience to the father of the houshold and euery one forbeares his own bloud and robs where he can besides freely without controll Both the Fooliana's had by these sharkers bin long since eaten vp but that the inhabitants are faine to pay yearely a great sum of money for their protection all the yeare after This ransome for a kind of ransome it is is paid by the principals of Fooliana vnto the chiefe housholders of Robberswaldt In bodily shape they are like vnto vs sauing that all but the Ilanders haue clawes vpo their hands insteed of nailes and this is not onely naturall vnto all the Robberswalders but euen to the Lieger dumanists also Vpon the mountaines of this soile there breedeth a kinde of people called the Sbanditi and these are especiall keepers of Booty-forrest a frith so called which is of that breadth that that same High Dutch Hercynian Sherewood put Schwarizwaldt Odenwaldt Steigerwaldt Westerwaldt Behemerwaldt waldt quoth you nay put all the waldts welts and gards in Europe to it I tell yee let one word suffice they all make but a dayes iourney for an Irish Lowse bee shee neuer so speedie if you measure it with this No I will bee as good as my word and iustifie that if Hercynia keepe ten thousand theeues as lightlie it doth alwayes Booty-forrest shall keepe a thousand thousand Baw waw Hercynia why 't is a blanket for a Catte a petty Cock-pitte nay a very Tobaccoboxe in respect of Booty-forrest In this country you shall not find any man of state but he keeps a fort yes verily all garrison soldiars neither are their fortresses any way beautifull but they are most iudiciously contriued both for defence and purueyance and here they that liue within keepe all that they purloyne without and that is no small prize maugre the beard of haughtie Zulzemin No they are no Shitilecocks what they haue thei le hold they are in place what 's a mans place if hee make no vse of it Now in the meane while the poore commonalty vntrusse their states and their Port-manuels vnder trees and lay their noddles close to the stumpe of some ancient Oke Sic fuit ab initio quoth the Gentleman to the Chandlers sonne so did your fore-fathers my maisters be you neuer so top-heauie now and so do these honest lads these true Tartarians that neuer keepe one mansion eight and forty houres But alas would this were all but I must needes goe on These plaine seeming Villiacoes delight in nothing but to lye in waite to make prize of poore passengers and when they catch them they strippe them starke naked they will not leaue them a tatter to serue for a curtaine to the worlds propagatour yet will they not murther as the damned soulelesse fiend-bred hell-borne Italian theeues do those durty gut-swolne toad-sprung Germaines they haue no cause indeed for their fact is not lyable to the lawe but him that they vnhuske they doe presently binde and carry in state vnto their Dukes court vnto whom hee must sweare perpetuall obedience and loyaltie which if hee breake either in running his countrie or in omitting to practise Pourloynerie once or twise in a moneth hee is forthwith condemned to commence at Doctor Stories cappe trusted he shall be no more but once trust vp for all this law maketh them maruailous mighty and againe the Legerdumanists of late enacted this decree That no yonger brother shall haue any share in the fathers land and this law hath added a great multitude of voluntaries vnto Robbers-waldt as cannot but appeare to the politique and him that can ponder it The deuout Foolianders as I said before loue crosses well they cannot loue them so much as these hate them So that though their tribute assure them quiet at home yet if they bee ouer-taken in Robberswaldt farewell Fooliander vp they goe as round as a Iuglers boxe and the onely cause is they vse to mock the Robberswalders by making Iybbets at them with their fingers The maine housholders are continually at dissention and ciuill warres amongst themselues about iniurious booties forced
is not a towne either of more antiquity or worthy more admiration in all Eat-allia then this is The Citizens liue in farre more happy estate then euer Monke did for they haue all things they can desire in aboundance For first the towne is so strongly situate that it is vtterly impregnable and may iustly mock at all the enemies enterprises being built vpon a rock ten Germaine miles in height and withall so steepe that it is vtterly inaccessible At the foote of this cliffe runs the riuer of Idle whereof the towne taketh her name runs said I nay it seemes rather to creepe being more like a lake then a riuer There is but one way vp to the towne and that is not by mounting the rock by degrees and windings as wee see in other forts of this situation but the townes-men let downe a roape and a basket like the bucket of a Well and so hale vp the passengers They liue all vpon certaine birds naturally bred amongst them I neuer saw any of them else-where the inhabitants call them Gulls and they are not much vnlike to our bald Cootes They serue the cities vse with three sorts of meates flesh egges and fish flesh from their owne carcasses egges from their nests where they lay them in great aboundance and fish which they bring for the feeding of their young ones in huge excesse and besides the sticks of their nests finde the citizens perpetuall firing What would yee more and more yee shall haue Their fethers serue the citizens for stopping of their beds yea and some to spare also for transportation The grounds within the walls bring forth both whole vintages of delicate grapes and whole haruests of the purest wheate Nor is there any other thing whatsoeuer that the Idle-berghers esteeme but they enioy it within themselues The people do liue an vncurious life and in Apuleius his sence who called a fatte Lambe an vncurious one selues are truly vncurious They sup they sleepe they rise they dine and they sup and so round in a ring vnlesse a little whoring now and then chance to adde one dance more to the round They haue a lawe and that I thinke they had from the Sybarites that barreth all Eunuches and all Artificers from dwelling amongst them Their swine serue for their plow-men as they did whilom in Aegipt they vse no other husbandrie yet the ritcher sort haue attendants one to open the maisters eyes gently when hee awaketh another to fanne a coole ayre whilest hee eateth a third to put in his viands when hee gapeth a fourth to fit his girdle to his belly as it riseth and falleth the maister onely excerciseth but eating disgesting and laying out There are diuerse other cities that hold of this Idle-bergh in capite vnder protection of her enioy the same priuiledges with her namely Sleepe-on and Snort-apace yet here the citizens are seldome or neuer awake but as Pliny writeth of the Beares do generally lye so soundly a iouking that a man may wound them ere hee awake them and it is strange to see how fatte they grow by this drowsie lethargie The Lawes of the Land CHAP. 9. GOurmonds hall is a very faire large house statefully set forth with arched bay windowes and vpon the front of the entrance are these words fairely engrauen in letters of gold TO REVELL AND TO METHODE And within there hung a table chained to a Marble piller conteining these sacred and inuiolable lawes BE IT ENACTED 1. THat eating but one meale a day bee hence-forth held for a capitall transgression 2. That he that ouer-throwes a full dish or a cup rashly or howsoeuer be forthwith by vertue of this statute enioyned to stand vpright on his feete and hauing a dish of broth set betweene his heeles to eate it all vp with a thimble 3. That none eate alone nor violate the lawes of the table by any priuate suppers but that euery Citizen do eate either in the streetes or in an open window vpon paine of eating his next meale with his heeles vpward 4. That whosoeuer forbeareth to sleepe or eate foure houres together do satisfie the state by eating two suppers 5. Yet if the mouth bee full it shall bee sufficient to giue an answer by holding vp the finger 6. That conspiratours bee forth-with starued to death and other malefactors punished by the losse of a tooth 7. That all Cookes that dresse not their meate according to the iudicious palate be immediatly bound vnto stakes flesh halfe roasted hung by them vntill some pittifull and hungry spectator take compassion on them and eate it all vp 8. That to belch bee held not onely lawfull but honorable also and that the gouerment of the next future feast bee assigned vnto him that broke winde the strongliest at the last 9. That if any one hold his breath whilest his belly is a measuring he be forthwith made vncapable of all aduancement and condemned to fast one whole day in a grate where he may behold the rest of the Alder-guts at dinner and supper 10. That euery mans weekly maungery be brought in a billa vera by his fellow Gurmond vnto the Register to be recorded and withall that if he haue not fulfilled the lawe in that case enacted hee may be accordingly fined Signed All-Paunch Those that are the least offenders are put for foure and twenty houres into the Temple of Famine a prison directly contrary vnto our Bedlem It stands without the Cittie as Aesculaps temple stood without Rome but not for healths sake as Plutarch saith how that did but onely least such as are condemned vnto that gaole should so much as once sent the ayre of the Kitchin The walls of it are all painted about with all manner of good victualls onely to excite the prisoners appetite vnto his greater plague and verily one Iesuite or other hath seene these walles and there-vpon deuised pictures for their Chambers of meditation They vse no money what haue wee to doe say they with these saplesse and vnsauory mettals no they follow that ancient custome that Aristotle records and barter goods for goods by way of exchange Two sparrowes is the price of a stare two stares for a black-bird two black-birds for a hen two hens for a goose two geese for a lambe two lambes for a calfe two calfes for a goate two goates for a cow and thus they do also in fish and rootes at a set price the towle-mens especiall care beeing this that neither their stuffe be too bad nor their price too great Their Religion CHAP. 10. THey cannot endure Iupiter for he when hee thunders sowres all their wines and ouer-wets their plants with vnseasonable showers They haue a good deuotion vnto God Trine because he eateth vp althings before him and shewes himselfe herein a true Eat-all They haue built a goodly temple vnto him in which I saw the picture of Saturne eating vp his children
els put them vnto most slauish offices in this prison Herein plaging them for their iniuryes offered for that Nation although it bee most lasciuious yet it rūneth a madding eirher after whore or els in bestiality either neglecting their wiues vtterly or els keeping them continuall prisoners through mad-braind ielousie O how many noble captaines did I see here wearing out their liues in spinning carding woll and knitting faith at length for my countries sake I had my liberty but not without an oth for I was brought to Iunos Altar and there laying my hand on the same tooke a sollemn oth to obserue all these conditions following 1. That I should neuer goe about to iniure this noble sexe by word nor deed 2. That I should neuer interrupt a woman in her tale 3. That wher-soeuer I liued I should leaue the rule of the house to my wife 4. That I should neuer more come in Letcheritania for it is the common phrase here Many go thether good men but come away againe euill husbands 5. That I should neuer aime at more then the loue of one 6. That I should neuer bewray my wiues secrets 7. That I should neuer deny my wife any womans ornaments 8. That I should continually giue women the prick and praise for beauty wit and eloquence and defend it against all men This oth I willingly tooke would haue taken one ten times stricter rather then haue staied there So therefore you see my tongue is tyed by mine oth not to tell all the fine Conundrums that I saw among these mad wenches Somewhat I may say but no harme no more I would in truth if I had not beene sworne at all Their formes of Gouernment and elections of persons of state CHAP. 3. THeir state for ought that I could obserue is popular each one seeking superiority and auoyding obedience They haue no lawes at all but do euery thing by the numbers of voices But the giuing vp of their voices struck me into a wonder being vnacquainted therewith for they set vp a erie all together none giues eare but each one yells as if shee were horne mad Is not this able to abash a good mans spirit They hold a continuall parliament about their more weighty affaires of state so that Erasmus were he aliue now would be able to giue a strong testimony of womens turning sutors Now this continuance is necessary because of their lawes vncertainty for the decrees of this day may bee all disanulled to morrow but the same day they cannot least their law-giuers should seeme vnconstant in their edicts Euery ones voice is alike in worth the whole citty thorow but not euery ones dignity for they haue a set number of chosen women they call them Grauesses these haue the authority of most honor in each particular citie But they are not borne to this dignity but elected either for their beauty or their eloquence for by these two are all elections ordered They had once a custome to elect these Grauesses by voices but afterwards euery one giuing her voice onely for her selfe it bred a confusion so made them abolish that maner of election and then they made a decree that only those should haue the sway in this enuious contention who would professe themselues neither faire nor eloquent But this brought all to such a passe that in the whole multitude of them you should not find one that would be Electresse the elder sort holding that they had the eloquence and the yonger standing as firme in it that they had the beauty At length they all agree to passe ouer these places of Electresses vnto twelue of the most aged matrons of Old Mumpington a ruinous village hard by and so they did giuing them the glorious title of Electresses Grauessiall to set them the more a gogge to performe their charges And besides this honorable stile the hony of age wealth and abundance comes continually vpon thē for the ambitious young wenshes will so bribe and ply them with giftes to haue their voices at the day of election that I hold there is not a court either more corrupt in giuing voices or more wealthy in giuen ritches In stead of scepters and swordes the Grauesses haue fannes and glasses borne before them huge Christall glasses and still as they passe through the streetes they pranke vp their attires by the sayd glasses and set all their gew-gawes in order as they go along The originall of the Shee-landresses CHAP. 4. THere are few Shee-landresses borne in this Nation but such as either will needes weare their husbands breeches or els such as their husbands iealousie will needs either banish or make prisoners those runne flocking from all parts hether Now all such as are their husbands maisters and are therevpon banished for their vniust clayme vnto soueraignty these are assigned to inhabite the frontiers of Shee-landt especially in the countries of Shrewes-bourg and there they are all put in garrison But as for those that are voluntarie exiles they are generally of meeke and vnmanly spirits and these are seated in the heart of the Land to become Votaresses to Peace and to Beautie and yet you need neuer dreame that this weale-publike how euer weakely founded should go to ruine for want of perticuler members and I le tell you why there are so many voluntaries especially free women come to this campe that the feare is that rather here will want roome for new inhabitants then otherwise Truely I am in a great perplexity least my country women should haue any vnderstanding of this state For if they haue wee may goe snicup for any female that will bide amongst vs but all will away wee should not haue one big belly left to lay the foundation for a future age by and therefore I pray you sir whosoeuer you be as you loue the preseruation of our linage and the generall multiplication of mankinde bee silent in this so important a secret for it lies vs all vpon to keepe it vndiscouered from our giddie females vnlesse wee can find a better meanes of generation Of Gygglot-tangyr CHAP. 5. AT Gossipingoa I got besides my freedome the Cities letters for my passe-port and so from thence I tooke my way towards Giglot-tangire a country lying vpon the South part of Womandecoia towardes Letcheritania The Land of it selfe in this part is the worlds paradise I was not many leagues from Loues-den the first towne of this County when I entred into an ayre as delicatly sented as if all the perfumers in England doe yee see had lately plaied their prizes there for eternal soueraignty the whole country round about is so stuft with Apothecaries and Pomendrificoes The rest I omit The women of this wapentake are generally tall gracefully adorned and were it not that they practise the art of Cheeke-oyling ouer much very beautifully They weare nothing on their faces nor on their breasts as for the rest of their habite it is
gracefull termes Hee is held a wise man that speaketh not much vnto little purpose not he that speaketh little vnto none at all They neuer come on horse-back nor a shipp-board but hold it fondnesse to hazard their liues either on a stumbling iade or in a weltring barge they suck vntill their beards come nor do they euer bury their dead holding it a slauish part for a man to tumble his parent wife brother or so into an hole because that life is out of them to make a feast of them vnto the wormes because of the lack of a little breath therefore they hang them vp in the aire in their best attire euery yeare keepe a solemne obite in honor of their departed ghosts iust in the place where they are hung vp and this forme of buriall is most ancient as may bee gathered out of many monuments yet extant in Fooliana the deuoute The women of this nation are the principall gouernesses also of the state but their dominions more tolerable in that their witts cannot informe them of the true state of Soueraignty But what they haue as I was told grew first vpon this The Shrewes-burgesses whilom ouer-run all the whole region of Fooliana which not-with-standing by reason of the barrennesse of the soile they would not possesse but left the inhabitants in possessiō prouided they held it no longer then they did homage for it vnto them paying them an Asse laden with gold for their yearly tribute This rent was paied along time vntill at last the Foolianders brake out vpon these conditions that as for the gold they did not respect it so that the Shrews-burgesses would demand it when it was due but for them to force a louing creature and one of their naturall towne-borne country-broode with stroakes and battes to beare this burden out of their land against his proper will and pleasure this was a condition very hard nay to their iudgments intollerable besides that their quiet hereby stood in doubt for one asse you know being heauier then another if gold and asse and all weighed more or lesse this yeare then they did the yeare before the Shrews-burgesses might alledge that they had not their due especially which is a maine reason of this breach seeing that the poore creature though seeming neuer so able to beare out his burden at first yet after a few dayes iourneys hath beene forced to lay him downe vnder his loade This message incensed the Shrewesburgesses much where-vpon to armes they go entring Fooliana came without any resistance vnto Blocksford otherwise called Duns-ton the chiefe citie of the land alarum was giuen out comes all the Blocks-fordians hurling vpon an heape without armes or order The foe was fairely ranged and gaue the charge downe falls a citizen or two which the rest beholding fell all vpon their knees in submission with prayers for mercy and protestations of innocencie The weapons were held and by and by one of the grauest Foolianders bespake them in this maner Ah what a violent inundation of cruelty hath ouerflowne your good hearts you right valiant Shrewes-burgesses that for one poore Asse you should kill thus many proper men and pritty schollers especially and oh let this especiall reason rule yee seeing that one quick asse or one asse being quick do ye vnderstand me would haue bin more seruiceable to your estate then a thousand a thousand said I may then fiue and forty men being dead as naile in dore take mistake me not I bid you take take euery one his asse and his burden of gold we had rather liue without them then to die for them you shall all haue asses asses are not so scant in this country of ours once more I say you shall haue asses Gods plenty ô then put vp your shining things spare the liues of a many weaponlesse men I know to your honor be it spoken I do vnderstand that your valour scornes to stand in defence against a weaponlesse wretch O spare vs then I do beseech you free vs from that present feare Wel the conqueresses are moued by this patheticall oration consented to giue them their pardons mary vpon this condition that the women of Fooliana should euermore in domestique employments haue preheminence before the men The vanquished gaue their humble consents and wee thanke yee too for it was a noisome toile to them to bee euer-more in the taile of a slow-back egging him on to performance whether hee would or no. Of Fooliana the fickle CHAP. 3. FOoliana the fickle is the Easter-most part of all Fooliana the great and next vnto Shee-landt Expect not here gentle reader any exact description hereof how I found it and how I left it I know thou shalt know as well as I but if you chance to go thether your selfe as many a fine Gentleman I can tell yee and men of good worship haue done within this few yeares and finde not the state as I describe it vnto you blame not any defect in me for their formes of gouernment are so dayly altered that one may describe yee the shape of Proteus or the colour of the Chamaelion or tell what wether it will bee to morrow sooner then giue you any true notice of their discipline The Portugales may brag of their trauels and discoueries let them do so but I durst venter a large wager that if it could be tried the ancient French-men did first discouer this country there are as yet so many monuments remaining that shew it both in the names of the townes their most ancient lawes and their chiefe coines Their grounds neuer cary any one certaine forme two yeares together that which is pasture this yeare shall bee arrable the next that which was all high mountaines this yeare shall be all carried away to fill vp dales withall the next Nay they turne the very course of their riuers also so that sometimes as Virgil saith Plaustra boues ducunt quà remis acta carina est The plough now teares that vp that whilom was A way for nothing but for boates to passe So do the inhabitants shut out their swelling riuers on one side they themselues raging at their forced stops carue themselues a new course out on the other sides They haue great store of magnificent cities but they change their fashion euery other day at the farthest The chiefe of which at my first comming thether was called Farfellia but ere I went away it was decreed by the whole body of the counsell that it should thence-forth bee called Butterflieux the whole frame of this city goeth all vpon wheeles may be drawne like a cart whether the councels pleasures is to haue it It is recorded to haue altered the situation a hundred times since the foundation thirty times it hath quite lost the former shape In the time that I was there it stood seated by the riuer of Water-lesse and was very shortly to
him a great many thongs to bind it vp at his back for the more conuenient cariage Another supposeth himselfe made all of glasse or Potters earth and so flieth all mens company least hee should be broken amongst them Thus hath euery particular man in the whole land some conceit or other vnto which he holds his shape to be conformed Sect. 3. FRom the foot of Mount-eye the riuer of Teares hath his first spring running through most part of this Prouince which is parted into two by a continuall ledge of mountaines called the Nose-autems iust as Italy is diuided in the midst by mount Appenine These mountaines haue nothing in them but dire and frightfull desolation nor giue harbor to any liuing thing saue Beares and Witches and these abound all the deserts through The Beare a most lumpish melancholy creature will lye yee all winter through in a lightlesse caue liuing onely vpon sleepe and licking of his feete The witches being bleare-eyed toothlesse old hags do nothing but sitte muttering of charmes to raise winds and waters to cure maladies and call vp the dead ouer all which they promise them-selues assured authority and yet in the meane time are starued to death for want of meate These hills on the one side are all couered with a thick darke wood called Owles-wood which is continually haunted with spirits and apparitions and not for maÌ„ to enter or to passe through Here shall you haue your Witch-wolues in aboundance whose howling if you know not their customes before will set your haire an end with terror In Diuels-dale at the foote of these hills you shall see many whom that famous Enchantresse Choly-melan is said to haue transformed into Lions Asses and yet left them both the faces and voyces of men Sect. 4. HEre we may not ouer-passe the onely wonder of the whole coâ—ntry 't is this On the side of the highest mountaines of all the Nose-autems is Cholly-melans caue It hath a narrow entrance and is almost frozen vp with Ice but it is as it seemeth by the sound of a large compasse within All the sides of the entry are hung with huge Ice-hickles which shewing like teeth do make the place seeme like the picture of Hels-mouth In this caue they say the soules of melancholike persons are plagued with continuall and extreame cold whosoeuer offers to looke in as few will that wise are is presently struck downe sencelesse where his body lieth a good while dead expecting the returne of his tormented spirit but hee that layes his eare to the ground a little without the hole oh what howling sighing ratling of chaines and falling of Ice-sickles shall hee seeme to heare Or hee that sleepeth vpon any part of this mount which I more hardily then warily aduentured good God what Chimaera's Centaures and thousands of such amazefull apparitions shall hee to his horror behold in his dreames Of Cholerikoye the other Dutchie of Fooliana the craggie CHAP. 5. NExt vnto this is Cholericoye a barren burnt sandie soile producing a brood of hasty furious haire-braind mad people low of stature pale-faced read headed ferret eyed trembling lipped vnequally though ordinarily hastie paced These are all vnder the gouernment of Duke Swash-buckliero the model Embleme of all tyrranny The reader will admire and hold it incredible that he should vse his subiects as he doth The famous Russian tyrant was a mercifull Prince in respect of this man there was neuer Caesar neuer Cannibal so bloud-thirsty as he is Here now the ingenious searchers of nature may make a great doubt how a nation so exorbitantly cold should produce such extraordinarily fiery constitutions the bodies of others generally following the nature of the clime wherein they are borne O sir content your selfe whosoeuer yee be if not yee may choose I will neuer intreate yee wee Philosophers know well inough that where the heat is kept in by the stronger Antiperistasis that is where it is the stronglier bound in by encircling cold there it breaketh out into a more violent operation Doth not Affrica that burnt region produce serpents of the coldest nature of all others are there not flies bred in the furnaces of Cyprus whose cold do quite extinguish the heat of the fire hath not the thunder and lightning their first originall in the midle region of the ayre and is not the whole earth often-times shaken by a fire hatched in the depth of her owne cold bowels wel Philosophy is on my side and I dare therefore be hold to say what I doe say On with our description This Dukedome is diuided into foure weapentakes Sallow-hew Grene-chekes Blew brow and Rougeux the people of the first weare all tawny the second all greene the third all blew and the fourth all red There is none of these that euer stirre abroad vnarmed hee that is but halfe sufficiently apparelled will bee sure howsoeuer to haue his armour vpon him A capo a pie and like a Porter hyred by Mars ha's his Musket on one shoulder and his Halberd on the tother his sworde there and his great bumme dagger here with two boxe hilts a man may boyle two ioynts of meate in them and at his back hee bore his bow and shafts thus is hee accoutred if he goe but to my neighbour Iohns hee must haue his mooueables about him If hee meete any man that will not giue him the wall catzo del diablo slaue drawe or prepare thy selfe to kisse my pumpe for the resarciation of mine honour They neuer make any iourney forth but they eyther bring blowes home or leaue some behinde them If one chance to kill his enemy hee feedes vpon him immediatly for they eate raw flesh altogether and drinke warme bloud and this is the best esteemed fare They haue no lawes but all goes by might and maine Hee that is wronged either reuengeth his owne wrong or else hee may go home sitte him downe and so turne ouer the leafe sing All the rules they follow is but one and that is this Conquer and possesse If you haue any minde to reuenge a wrong to regaine what was your owne or to take from another you may call him to the field at any time and he must come or loose his estate If any come to interrupt yee and so begin a sedition all that remaine vnslaine are forth-with forfaited to furnish the Dukes shambles which crafty lawe doth both suppresse conspiracies that were otherwise very likely to bee daily practised vpon the state and also furnisheth the Dukes table in farre greater aboundance and at farre lesse charges The chiefe seate of the Duke is called Fierce-fooliangir a great citie but it is built onely of wood-worke the Duke would not haue it otherwise that hee might the better vpon iust cause giuen set iron fire and so burne cittie and cittizens when his pleasure is It is inhabited with none but Tinkers Black-smiths Butchers in whose shops
the freer accesse part of them build nests like birds in the highest trees both to bee nearer heauen and for their bodies exercise in climing vp to them euery particular man of them hath both his peculiar opinion and profession Ambition desire of glory draweth diuerse of them into most strange incredible actions you shall haue some going vp down the streets on their heads hands others flying about with wings made of wax fethers you would verily imagine that Zetus and Calain were come againe from the dead if you but beheld how boldly these fellowes dare trust their wings with their necks Others like your Italian Mount-bankes draw the people together to see that effects of some rare vnguento distilled water or some strange engine others out of the basest of mettals by a secret art and that by St. Patrike a gainfull one too can draw the purest gold But in faith it is worth the laughing at to see the toylesome follie of these extractors they are guld and guld and terrible guld yet can they not finde in their hearts to giue ouer A sort of them of late as I was informed would needes to the Oracle to know the euent of that weighty businesse they had in hand The Oracle presently gaue thē this answere Trauaillez that is take paines Pho home come they as if they had gotten their God in a boxe and forward they goe with their circulations their sublimations their coniunctions their fermentations till all this head-lesse action ended in putrefaction vntill reputation and reuenues were both dead and rotten Thus each man seekes to be an Alchymist Till all be gone and he his number mist Whereas indeede the oracle gaue them better counsell then they could comprehend Take paines that is A mattock and a spade will get you gold Sooner then Chymistry a thousand fold Of the Cities of Cockscombaya and Asse-sex and of Blocs-foord the metropolitane sea Sect. 3. THE first Citty I light vpon in this country was Hollow-pate a towne of good antiquity and well contriued but it affordes no rarityes and therefore I leaue it and passe on to Bable-dock a corporation most worthely famous for the wisedome of the Aldermen These men a little before my arriuall held a sitting vpon this occasion They skie was verie cloudy and raine was generallie feared on all sides the Maior calls a bensh and fell to consultation how to dispell the feared shower The first mans aduise was to ring out all the bells of the towne another aduised them to burne stinking sauour in the open streetes as the Italian women doe to driue away tempests At length the grauest Foolianders opinion was demanded who arising told them in plaine tearmes their policy was vn-auaylable and that the onelie quirke to fetch ouer this peremptorie storme was to suffer all the moisture to fall that those bigge faced cloudes contained and by that meanes and by no other the tempest would bee so braue seeming to haue no resistance that as Hanniball did at Capua it would ruine it selfe or euer it were aware was this an idle plotte no beleeue it the whole bensh liked it and allowed it Twitlecome twattes wisdome is not sworne to sitte in Europe onlie The very Venus the eye the lustre of all Citties terrestriall is here seated Ciuitas Angelorum Why t is a verie Peticoate Lane a Pease-market hill to it The name of it is Blocks-foorde for site it standeth partlie vpon a plashie plaine and part vpon a little mountaine both of them lying in the descent Northward farre from any wood or any riuer The vpper part of the towne serues the lower with snow water and the lower doth the like for the vpper with spring water mary that is of Iohn a Cragges standing There are in the whole circumference of the walles iust sixeteene gates wherein according to the intent of the founders it exceedes all citties of the world by foure The geometricall forme therof is neither circular nor ouall but of a meane proportion betweene a Cylinder and a renuersed Pyramide iust like vnto the portraiture of a mans body What now are your vnderstandings vn-aquainted with such a geometrical draught as this why then you are but Scioccoes neuer saw Belgia in the forme of a Lyon Italy of a leg Morea of a plaine tree leafe Spaine of an Oxe-hide the West Indies of a fishes lunges nor all Europe in the shape of an Empresse Hee that hath seene these and shal but view this towne as he cannot lightly choose must needs avow directly that he beholds the lineaments either of some Colossus laid all along or else of Prometheus as hee lieth bound vpon mount Adazar The market place is on the hills toppe for that it is the head of the citty and so administers life and sence to the residue But honest Reader if thou consider but the toyle that the poore porters endure by both horse and foote whilest they lugge vppe all necessaries euen hogs-heads of beare and wine against the steepe descent of the hil Vpon mine honest word I know not whether I should bidde thee laugh or lie downe thou woldest sweare thou wert in hell and saw an hundred Sisiphi at once rowling so many restlesse stones And when they are gotten halfe vp the hill nay by Saint Loye sir perhaps almost to the top with halfe an hogs-head of sweate vpon their quarters then beshrew that then may they say down comes another barrel which hauing the vpper ground holds it selfe the better man and laies all the poore mens labour in the durt and that not without endaungering themselues On this mountaines toppe the Magnificoes and the whole Signioria of the Cittie haue their habitations to the end that the whole towne may lie as a fitter obiect to their prospect this as I sayd resembleth the head of the towne down from thence you descend a narrow which resembles the neck of this head and this is inhabited onely with Serieants Beadles Deputy-constables and Derick-iastroes From the lower end of this street do two other extend themselues on either side expressing the armes and hands in mans bodie and these are peopled but slenderly God hee knowes with handicrafts men but not ouer many handicraftes maisters The bulke of this fabrike lies in a broader streete and here you haue all your Innes Alehouses Tauernes and Hosterians whatsoeuer and these haue houses downe to the very loynes where as mine author affirmes but I was neuer so farre in the towne they keepe the Burdello Here indeed saith hee dwell the Cocatrices the Roffianaes the Makquerells all those ancient fish wiues that sell Ruffes Mackrell and Whiting-mops whatsoeuer and then if you descend a little further all in one parish you come into Bride-streete and there haue all the Scauingers Scoure-Aiaxes and eleauen a clocke Perfumers tagge and ragge this is called the Draffe-sacke of the Citie The legges and feete of the
towne are boxes to the Ragmans Rolles of Porters and Panier-ists and here your poore Traueller is now and then full faine to take vp an hourely roost bee his pennie neuer so good siluer I am seges est vbi Troia fuit Swine-troughes and Sepulchers are some-times sworne acquaintance But Parcius ista viuis The houses of this towne faire though it bee haue none of them any foundation for what alledge they had not wee rather giue honest buriall to the harmelesse stones then teare them out of their graues hold yee content my friends this is no laughing matter The Magnificoes build their houses of a statelie forme and a loftie to bee thereby the nearer to the skie and the more eleuate from this vnrefined garbe of terrestrial conuersation Their houses are all passinglie well painted within especially with the names of their ancestry their guests and acquaintance gracefully delineate with coale and candle Of the Burguemasters of Blosk-foord Sect. 4. THE Gran-dunsonioes for so the Burguemaisters will haue themselues enstiled of Blocks-foord whilest I was there held a Parliament about matter of state in generall and in speciall about the securing beautifiing and aduancing the weale-publike of their City of Blocks-foord Euery one gaue vp his opinion according to that which seemed to him most commodious One would aduise them to cut a conuenient hauen through the mountaines though it were some fiue hundred miles from the sea a matter of small charge you know for shippes to traffique to the towne by he wanted no store of examples from other cities whose glory stoode wholy vpon the ritches they reaped by the sea A second presently rises and clearing his fore-head from furrowes confutes all that euer the former had affirmed shewing withall how dangerous a thing it was to repose any confidence in such an inconstant and vnsatiate element nor wanted hee examples at full of citties that lay buried in the seas deuouring wombe Well vp rises a third and hee would haue the rarest conduites made that euer were deuised and bring the water vp in pipes from the valley to the hills toppe a thing as possible as could be thought vpon seeing that euery man seeth the water in fountaines to bubble vp voluntarily and striue vpwards of the owne accord and wanting meanes to containe it to ouerflow the whole plaine about it and againe when the water runnes downe the kennell doe yee plainely that one part driues another forward as plaine as day Well for all that this will not fadge with the fancies of the bensh Speake another one doth so and his speech tends to the raysing of an high mountaine about the cittie for these subsequent vses First that the whole world might not haue notice of the actions of the Blocks-fordians especially of the Grandunsonioes Second that the cittie therby might be more augmented and fortified Third that there might be better auoidance of cold by the warme seating of the Citty within so high a mount and for the mount it selfe those that dwelt below should digge it out of the valley and lay it togither And then should there be abridge built from that vnto the next mount by which the citty should bee furnished with necessaries But then steps vp another and smiling asked how it were possible that a valley should bring forth a mountaine but to allow a possibility of that to suffer a bridge to be built were meere indiscretion for if a carriage or a traueller should stumble or loose foote-hold thereon there were no way in the world for you but death yea and that which is worse with the breaking of a legge or an arme no as for my small experience in state affaires quoth hee I would rather aduise thus graue Grandunsonians to enterprise a matter which to effect is not laborious and yet being effected shall prooue most glorious so that beeing propounded I know that the well-willers of the state cannot choose but approue it and thus it is Euery man according to his ability and the size of his house shall erect a spire vpon the toppe thereof and vpon the toppe of that shall aduance a Cock vulgarlie tearmed a weather-cocke of brasse or siluer with a combe of gould or Gold smiths worke and this shall bee mooueable to follow and expresse the changes of the winde Now in euery spire I would haue a clocke to strike hourelie which beeing once fully performed O what pathetique spirit can expresse the reduplicate delight shall from hence redound both to the eye and the eare to see such a bright fulgor of lofâ—ie spires and to heare such a sweete clangor of harmonious bells He had not shut his mouth before the whole house opens in acclamation to his proiect so grauely and statesman like propounded And so they rose to see it performed according to the intent of such a ponderous aduise So that hee that shall in his trauell hereafter arriue at this Cittie shall finde it in farre more gorgeous estate then it was my happe to behold it in let him assure him selfe of that for I sawe some of the broaches raysed ere I departed Of the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza Sect. 5. NEere vnto Blocks-foord lieth the Marquisate of Spendallezza a countrie whilom most ritch and of ancient and honorable memory but now t is quite gone downe the winde nor obserued I any thing in it worthy obseruation but a forrest called Actaeons Dogkennell an eight square citty called Hey-dice and an other little corporation called Haukes-peartch The inhabitants are the only spenders vnder the moone they do nothing in the word but inuent how to spend with the best garbe Some vpon dogges some vpon haukes or kites for a need some vpon a paire of Iuorye Cubes or abunsh of speckled past-boards and thus flie their patrimonies and when all is gone but the cloathes farewell they also the dise or the brokers are their ordinary cope-men alas poore Gentlemen what 's a man but his pleasures But whether this Marquisate belong to Fooliana the Fond or the Fatte that I cannot resolue yee in who soeuer ought it of yore at this day I am sure it is not in the hands of the olde maisters It may bee there haue beene some Lawiers or some Vsurers in this Country in times past but now farewell they When these new inhabitants haue cast all their whole estate ouer-boord then they doe either retire vnto other mens tables or else are maintained at the publike charge And here is that ancient modell of Cole-harbour bearing the name of The Brodigalls Promontorie and beeing as a Sanctuary vnto banque-rupt detters hether flie all they for refuge that are cast at lawe or feele themselues insufficient to satifie their deluded Creditors any of whome if they pursue their debters hetheb and force them from their protection whether they wil or no they are immediatelie accused as guiltie of sacriledge and so are throwne head long from the higher tower in all the territorie
and when they rise from their fall can no way complaine of any iniustice but haue vnder gone the ancient law of the whole Marquisate Those of this countrie that haue any sonnes assigne them their full patrimonie ere nature allow them any bearde and in case they die before this time they leaue all their estate vnto their wiues to dispose as they list afterwards without any respect of progenie But if they haue the fortune to burie their wiues then doe they lauish out more vpon their funeralls then would serue for a dowrie vnto the fowlest of their daughters Sect. 6. BEtweene this Marquisate and Fooliana the fatte lieth another nation called Clawback-ourt peopled with the strangest monsters that euer man beheld They beare euery one two faces and speake with two tongues carrying the shapes of Apes vpon their formost partes and all behinde of Dogges so that they seeme to bee a confused composition of Man Ape and Dogge That there are such monsters let reuerend Munster serue as a testimonie who describeth certaine Indian people that are partly thus formed This Nation it seemes is borne to seruitude the greatest part of them doe make themselues voluntarie slaues vnto the Magnificoes of Fooliana the fatte which borders vpon their countrie And albeit they bee so sottish that of their owne heads they can enterprise nothing praise-worthie Yet can they imitate and counterfeite any action they see done before them the world has not the like for forging such exact resemblances They neuer weare attire neuer speake word neuer doe deed but they see or heare the like before they goe about it Whilest I was there they halted all vpod one legge and went spitting and spawling all the daie longe because that Signior Tickle-eare their gouernor of late had hurt his foote and with all was troubled with an olde pockie Catarrhe They are most of them Barbers Taylers Pandars procurers There are also by report some gallant courtiers amongst them But how so euer your Spanish Mimike is a meere ninnihammer vnto these Clawbakc-ourtiers take them as generally as you can Speake but or looke but vpon one of them and yee shall presently haue him kisse his hand cringe in the hamme lick his two yeards of dust and with a laborious Congee like an Eccho bandy the last word you spake all the roome about and with an applauding fleere returne vppon you with all the gratious termes his gorge can possibly vent together with an whole Heralds office of Titles and top-heauie Exellentiaes and then putting his lips together with another Bascio dalli mani stand houering at your next speach to heare how his last stood to your liking Then do but you approue him and talke on and whatsoeuer you say bee it scarcely sence shall into his tables as a more then humaine conceit as a very oracle Then will hee-stand with his eye fixt on the skyes and adore you as a drunkard doth Bacchus vpon all foure They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choise to serue and him they obserue with more prayers sacrifices and adorations then any Idol would exact Now all this they do with one of their mouthes onely marry there is not a word comes out of this mouth but the other their dogges mouth doth forth-with secretly retract and disclaime And thus much for their conditions The first Cittie in this Region is called Tutto-lodanie of faire and sight affecting structure but so slightlye built that there is no hope it should continue it is much enriched by the trafficke which it hath by the meanes of the riuer of Fiction and againe verye much endamaged by the same riuer through often and seuerall inundations Neere vnto this towne standeth a village called Tongue-walke the inhabitants whereof are neuer well but when they are talking This village stands at the foote of a mountaine that rises along as farre as Tickling-streete another famous borough where the townes-men keepe themselues continually employed in chasing of laughters Close vnto this lyeth that pleasant valley called Soothing-dale at the farther end whereof there is a Marish called Scoffe-stowe Fenne which reacheth downe along as farre as Shame-stead a towne of infamous note whether they vse to bannish all their Wizards and all those whome they call Bashfull-apians Of Fooliana the fatte CHAP. 7. THIS Region compared eyther for wealth or pleasure with all the Regions of this Southerne continent exceeds them all and were it as wealthy as it maketh shew of I make a great question whether the whole Northren worlde could finde a countrey to parallell it but indeede the people thereof doe generallye faigne to haue what they haue not and to amplifie by their braues that which they haue indeed There is a double ledge of Mountaines extended some sixtie Germaine miles in length on either side betweene which lieth a plaine full as iong and this is Fooliana the fatte through which the riuer of Sound a goodly current hath his course almost encircling the whole plaine The reader may soone conceiue what a goodly ranke of Cities are seated on the Mountaines sides hauing the prospect ouer such a fertile plaine so delicately watred and diuided into such a many cantons all fraught with fatte pastures and spacious champians The neatnesse of the Cities in this tracte excells their number yet are they but of a slender manner of building though their outward formes promise all decorum yet when you are within you shall not finde ouer-much good order At the mouth of the passage through the Rhodomantadian Mountaines standeth the Citie Hydalgo otherwise called Braggadrill proudly built but beggerly stated and neare vnto this is Back-bitembourg a towne that may be mother to the dirty streetes of Paris By this towne is a Rock of incredible height and of as incredible note called Break-neck-cliffe not much different from the Peakes crag in England It is as broad at the top as at the bottome and yet so steepe that it beareth the former rather of a towre built by mans hand then any meere worke of nature And this Rocke is as famous for a place of execution here as euer the Tarpeian cliffe was in Rome On the other side of this famous hill hath the Cittie of Bawdesden hir seate this towne hath beene oftener on fire then euer was olde Rome partly through the negligence of the Citizens and partly through the aptnesse to take fire that is in the Bitumen which they vse in their buildings in steed of Lime Adioyning vnto this is another Cittie called Punkes-nest built all of Flint and the hardest Cement that can be deuised And then a little further in towards the frontires of Idle-bergh lie those large mountaines commonly called Hollyday-Hills where the people keepe continuall reuells and sitt in iudgement vpon such as obserue any working-dayes two citties there are vpon these hills Gamesware and Merry-cum-twang and on the East side of these two the riuer of Sound falls
draw latches how to treade without noise how to angle in a lockt chest with a twined thred how to him the pence and neuer touch the purse how to forsweare an ill deede without blushing a thousand such secrets that I might haue learned but that I cared not for their art Caballist But of all of them the Inkeepers are the knaues Rampant so faithlesse that the traueller dares neither trust his purse vnder his pillow nor in any Iron casket whatsoeuer but must bee faine as the Iewes did beeing besieged to engorge his gold for all the night and seeke it in his close-stoole the next morning it would bee gone else euery Quart d'escu The villages are inhabited with none but Millers and Taylers and vnlesse you happe here and there to finde some stragling Gypsies Of Lurtch-wit a County in Legerdumaine CHAP. 6. LVrtch-witte a large County lieth on the west of this Leigerdumaine wherein is the cittie Rigattiera new repaired nere vnto which is mount Scapula a very high hill A Poet that is a Critique may here finde many ancient monuments One stone I saw here whereon were engrauen certain Greeke verses stolne by Homere from Orpheus and Musaeus From Orpheus these 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 And from Musaeus this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I found also many of Virgils vpon another stone which the inhabitants said he had hought of by the knees out of Homer and Hesiod Here were also some of Petrarchs nimd from another Tuscane Poet and many other such like monuments On the South part lieth Rapineux a plaine all full of rubbish and ruines which shew that there hath beene many cities there but they were all pulled down long ago to build those two magnificent piles Penny-patron and Chaffer-kirke so that you shall see in this country many old Churches turned into stables streetes into pastures and steeples into priuies Besides this the riuer Fraude doth continually teare away one peece or other from this part of the country and laieth it either on the marshes of Lurtch-wit or Stille-more Of Still-more CHAP. 7. THis Prouince is in the hands of a monstrous kinde of men such as you see pictured in Munster and Maundeuill with heads like hogges They go alwaies vpon their hands and knees least they should otherwise misse any thing as they passe along the streetes that were worth the taking vp Their voice is a kinde of grunting nor haue they other speach None may dwell amongst them but old folkes Their youth they doe spend in Booty-forrest if they be valiant or else in Bags-death Schooles the inhabitants are all husbandmen marchants and mettall-mongers They do eat earth as the Wolfe doth when hee is to go to fight almost continually yet some there are that eate nothing at all but liue vpon the sight onely of gold and siluer They neuer sleepe but with their eyes open herein onely resembling the Lyon They serue a God whom they call Quadagno with al superstitious reuereÌ„ce they neuer goe to their rest but when they haue seene him nor doe they eate but in his presence Touching the citties of this Prouince there is Swine-borow a filthy towne a very stincking heape but then is there Gatherington Hoord-sterdam and Lockadolid all handsomly built things marry I could not come to view them within by reason that euery particular citizen in all these places hath a priuate key for the gates to lock at his going in out so that by this meanes they preuent all strangers accesse The residue of this nation liue more like swine then men in the Ilands of Hoggs-bourg and the Scrapiglias These men townes and manners did I behold admire and laugh at and after 30. yeares trauell growing weary of wandring I returned into my natiue country FINIS THE CAMBRIDGE PILGRIME Seneca in Mcdea a For Gluttony is the induction vnto lecherie b A fat belly makes a leane braine c This birds picture is to be seene in the largest maps of the vvorld with an Elephant in his pounces And for his insatiate greedinesse is held to be the Regions Genius d And so are most of you Belly gods the inhabitants thereof f Hector Boetius Hollingshead c. g The Dukes of Muscouie haue the skins of these creatures kept for their ovvne vses they grovv in Horda zauolh a plaine in Scythia and are called the skins of Samarchand Of this lambe you may read in Scaliger Excercit 59. cardan Baro Heberstin Libau tract de agno vegetab h Iunenal Satyr 4. i Whose name vvhen I vvas there vvas Sir Spatious Mouth k Shropshire Worcestershire l Onely Fooliana lyeth betvveene Tenter-belly and Thriuingois for if men vvere not fooles they vvould follovv thrift and flie luxurie a For meate must first be dressed and then eate b Of him here-after chap. 11. c Othervvise called vvarming-pan d Three villages vvhere spits kettles and spounes vvere first inuented e In English Moisture f In Darbyshire a Galen knew it not b Plin. lib. 12 chap. 8. c That is alwaies in the Greeke Calends neuer but then a Built in the same fashion that Cambalu is if you were euer there b From this riuer only the Eat-alls haue all their water wherewith they do dresse their meate Volaterr Autropol l. 13. c Like vnto Cartaegena in Spaine but far better seated d Two ports where our Hollanders haue much traffique e Two ports where our Hollanders haue much traffique a And reason good the land is called Eat-allia b Cambridge and Oxford c This was Py-nople the plaine but Oyster pynople and Potato-py-nople are Cities in Letcheritania that flourish vntill this day beeing both founded by Hercules vpon his copulation with 50. women vpon one night Georg Cap. currant de punct Aretinens lib. 27. d Spencer in his ruines of time c If a pasty haue no grauy in it it is not worth a doiteâ— f Strabo Geog. lib. 5 g Satyra 3. h Contro lib. 3. i A diminutiue of shops you shall find the word in Antony Mundaies discourse of â—he refâ—rmation of Redfaces k In Ethic. his name was Philoxenus l Which was whilom to be seene in Beuer castle m Where Lipsius pretendeth that Langius and he had that discourse De Constantia Martiall Epig lib. 3. chap. 47. n Iles in the Atlantike sea like our Orades where they that haue the fewest teeth are held in highest respect and hee that hath none is made a Clarissimo of Suppington the chiefe citty of the whole teritorie o His hang bits p Like him whose Epitaph this was Here lyes sir Iohn of Redcrosse streete he was beard to th' belly and belly toth ' fecie q For some such bookes he wrote witnesse Suidas r We haue some Vniuer side men that are too well read in these authors yet verily some study them so sore that they bring
from one another and by my faith sir the whole world fares the better by it for should these rogish improouers once lay their heads together against our world we might put vp our pipes the case is be-shitt and go cast our capps at the Moone for any state that we should holde long O sir vnderstand me the case is plaine we were sure of ruine I grant ye that and so were all that could not stand in defence against them but the wiser sort of them-selues preuent that by nousling priuate dissentions at home It is a great commendation of towardnesse in their children as Caesar said of the Germaines to bee cunning filtchers in their young yeares for this arte they teach them euen from their infancies in precepts which they call Hermeticall ye shall haue the little theeuelings euen while they suck their mothers brests to steale needles pence from out of their purses but if they either ouer-shoote themselues be taken in the maner by being either too slowe handed or too boisterous vp goes their bums incontinent Now as they grow to yeares so must they augment their practise by stealing of Geese Ducks or any such like prouant nor doth any day passe them wherein they do not increase their stock by one lift or other If their plot chance to haue any dangerous induction about it then do they content themselues with stealing a clod from your neighbors land or a stake from his hedge least their hands should grow out of vse this is the ordinary practise of yâ— borderers of Liegerdumaine betweene it Robberswaldt lieth a large heath called e Lyers-buy plaine of which you shall heare more here-after when we haue passed the maritimall coasts of Robberswalat The Pyrates and sea-borderers of Robbers-waldt CHAP. 3. THese Pirates disperse themselues all along the shores of Magellanus his straite on the bankes of Theeuingen and in the Iles of Filtching-fennes Now they know that no ship that passeth the straite can possibly returne back the current is so swift and therefore they stoppe the passage with chaines and shallops and so make prize of all that should passe whereby they that goe this voyage doe seldome or neuer returne more by reason of the multitude of these Pyrates then the strength of the opposed streame Europe affoords not any sea-man that knowes his bayes creekes tides shelfes rockes and channells better then these doe generally besides that they swim as nimbly and as perfectly as the fishes themselues doe Their chiefe hauen is called Kirk-dun a towne of no great strength nor compasse but fraught with as hardie Pirates as Christendome affordes and with as great store of stolne ritches It is situate in that angle of Robberswaldt that lyeth iust vpon the head of Filtching-fennes ouer-against a part of Tenter-belly The shores here-abouts as it is reported are all ledged with Rocks of the Loade-stone which drawe the ships vnto these coasts that are an incredible distance off and heere they hold them But the Kirk-duners that sayle out into the maine and fetch in the merchants they gette the cash And strange it is to see how many purchases their bolde valour hath borne from strengths some-times trebbling theirs some ascribe this vnto the Magicall Ensignes they haue from Fooliana let the reader choose whether hee will beleeue them or no. The Citties armes is the vulture that feedes as shee flyes the word Fruor nec quiesco Ritch and yet restlesse Mantled Geules doubled ermines A little within the mouth of the riuer Filtching is there another towne called Port van Berghen the Queene and Lady of all those Iles and waters it taketh tribute of all vessells that passe that way whatsoeuer they cannot passe ere they paye and besides it layeth out great hookes with loade-stones vpon them where-with it angleth for shipps iust as wee doe for Pikes Troutes and other fishes and where it once seazeth there keepeth it sure hold In these fens and in this broade riuer filled all with Iles you shall not finde one cottage nor one boate partly in that the people doe choose rather to make themselues and their families nests in Reeds which growe heere in a farre larger size then those of India and partly because they are commixt with the Foolianders lying one so neere another whereof there is none but had rather swim then sayle so that they are so perfect in that arte that like to the Crocodiles they liue as much in the water as in the land and mooue as swiftly as the swifted whirry And of these doe the Nauigators stand more in feare then of the other Pyrates by much for these come suddenly vpon them and many of them clap to them to the ship at once stay her as fast as if a Remora stuck to her keele and then they tumble her with the bottome vpwards and sinke her or traile her to a rock and there wrack her How the Author got into this country Of the Harpies CHAP. 4. BVt the reader may well maruell how I came to learne thus much and make a question whether any man that were wise would expose himselfe to such a barbarous nations curtesie well sir I preuented all that Vnderstand that the Foolianders the deuout I meane and these people hold a Iubylee both together euery fiftie yeare during the which yeare they are at peace with all the world all men are free from feare of the rankest theefe that breathes At these times doe men come hether from all parts of this continent yet at their comming they do giue such gifts to the inhabitants that this one yeares peace is more profitable vnto them then foure yeares filching Now it was my chance to light here vpon this very yeare and so I and my fellow trauellers had the better meanes to take an exact view of the country Onely we were in some feare of the Harpies as we trauelled our gold got no peace at their hands They are by my troth I know not what either fowles or diuels haue kept here by report euer since Zethes Calais chased them out of Europe they build their nests with strong beames laying them a thwart ouer the forked armes of huge growne trees they are faced like owles backt bodied like Estridges fethered like Porcupines beakt and pounced like Eagles Truely they made me remember the birds that as one writeth do keepe in the Diomedaean Iles which would sawne vpon vpon the Greekes and flie at the faces of all men besides Iust so did the Harpyes vse vs that were stangers they would not touch an inhabitant but were as familiar with them as tame Pidgeons but when any of vs came neere them they would flie vpon vs like fiends nor can any man passe Booty Forest but they teare him all to peeces vnlesse hee haue a Carauan of Robberswalders for his conuoie Of Lyers-bury plaine The natures of the Legerdumaynians Of Free-purlogne and Baggs-death two Citties CHAP.