small Villages both in one Parish and on the left hand you have three others Spitsted Kettle-Dorp and Spoons-by all pretty Towns and well Peopled Kittle-Dorp hath a fair River passeth through it call'd Ture-Mois which they say Boyleth every Twenty Four hours The Inhabitants of Spoons-By as also another small Village nigh it called Ladle-Cup are instructed in no other art but laving and are very expert in cleansing of Ditches Fish-ponds Wells or such places and these only are imployed in such Services not only in Kitchen-Norton but also in all the Rivers of the Circum-Jacent Cityes of Eat-All-Main as Gravy-Channel in the City of Flesh-Pasti-Nople and Sauce-Bourn which watereth the Plains of Pewter-Plateria but principally in those famous Hot-Wells called the Baths of Broathington in the Vallies of Poringerio for which Imployments they have the great Dukes Pattent so that no others dare intrench upon their priviledges Of Banquetois the Second Canton of Eat-All-Main PAssing from Dressing-Burgh the first Canton you enter is the very Garden of Eat-All-Main it is called Banquetois and is as it were a continual Forrest of nothing but Dates Almonds Figs Ollives Pomgrantes Cytrons and Nutmegs The River Oyl-Brook hath its Course through the heart of this goodly Territory The City of Marchpane is the chief Town of note it this Canton being Built after a stately manner with Turrets and Obelisks all Guilt over but indeed it is but of a slender kind of Fortification and lyeth very open to the Enemies Cannon A little above this City are certain Mines called the Sugar-Hills whence they dig a certain Ore in Colour whitish in Touch hard and in Tast sweet This City hath very few Inhabitants of any years that have any Teeth left but all from Eighteen to the Grave are the Natural Heirs of a Stinking Breath Next unto this lyeth another little Corporation called Drugs-Burgh and here they have a Law that none must be made free of the City but Apothecaries Grocers and Boxmakers The very Heavens seems to Conspire with the places fitness to increas their Trading for at certain times of the year you shall have the whole Country covered quite over with Aromatical Trochices Comfits and Confections congealed by the coolness of the Airs middle Region that fall from the Clouds in as great Abundance at those times when they do fall as ever fell showre of Hail Of Pewter-Plateria the Third Canton of Eat-All-Main AS we passed the 55th Degree beyond the line we entered into a spacious Plain by the Inhabitants called Pewter-Plateria which we entered in our Map under the name of Platters-Plain it lyeth in the very heart of Eat-All-Main and the first City we met with in this Tract was Victualla through the midst of which there Passeth a River called Sauce-Bourn whose Water is somewhat Tart in tast In the Market-Place of this Town I beheld a Monument it was no rare Piece of work but of a very Antient Model the top Stone being cut in form of a Sea Crab. I shall here omit the fruitful Plains of Goblet the great and Fatland Forrest together with the goodly City of Sausagenia a Town rarely Seated only it stands a little too near the Salt Water I shall also pass by Butterkin the Fenny and Cheswick the last Town of all Eat-All-Main and Situate upon the vory Borders of Quaffonia These I slightly pass because I would fain be at the Metropolitan City of the whole Region for that very place alone in Structure of houses Manners of Inhabitants and formality of Discipline I esteem above all the rest Of the Metropolitan City of Eat-All-Main called Flesh-Pasti-Nople HEre-about are but few Villages The Cities having eat up most of the Burroughs neither are their Cityes so abundant in number as they are in Riches and populous Inhabitants but of them all the Prime and Mother-City is that Famous Flesh-Pasti-nople Their Old Records do report that in former Ages there were two Rich and Potent Cityes Flesh-ton and Py-nople between whom there was long and vehement Contention about the Soveraignty Py-nople stood much upon its Antiquity but Flesh-ton Counterpoised the others Continuance with her own present Glory pleasant Scituation and Powerfulness Well a Parliament was called and Finally the whole House with one Consent gave the Supremacy unto Flesh-ton Py-nople thus disgraced decayed to nothing so that it is at this day almost Impossible to know where it stood Now Flesh-ton grew more and more in Lustre and both to add a Magnificence to the Name as also to paste the Foile of Py-nople upon the Forehead of posterity It left the last Syllable of its Old Name and Assumed the two Last of Py-nople joyning them together with the Cement whereof their Antient Walls were made and so was thenceforth called Flesh-Pasti-nople Touching the form it is rather vast in Compass than comely in Building It hath a Rivelet of Spring-Water Running almost through every Street in which you shall see a thousand several impaled Fishponds wherein they keep Swans Geese Ducks Teals and all kinds of Water-fowl This Current is called Gravie-Channel The City is Double-walled about with the Bones that remained of their Carnival Feastings These Bones are Artificially and with Judgment cemented together with Morter made of the whites of Eggs. Their Houses within are neither too Stately nor too Lofty They love no Assents by Staires up to their Doors partly because 't is dangerous to come down when their Brains are throughly moistned and partly because 't is toilesome to climb up when their Bellies are bumbasted Instead of Lead Tyle and Slat their Houses are all Rooft with shoulder-bones of Beasts very cunningly knit together The City consists not of any but such as have one dependance or other upon Rack and Manger the Husbandmen Carpenters Millers and Butchers have each their Habitations assigned in the Suburbs who notwithstanding if they can bring their Bellies to a certain size are presently Summon'd to Gurmands Hall and made free of the Wide-throats no Stranger can have his Freedom at first unless he be either a Cook a Baker or an Inkeeper The City is Govern'd by a certain number of Grave Senators peculiarly stiled Alder-maws who are not Elected for their Wisdom their Wealth or their Horse-Tail Beards but by the circumference of their Paunches which at a solemn set Feast once every Year are Measured and the more that each mans Rotundity is found to be inlarged unto the higher place he is presently Advanced But if either sickness or age do chance to make any of these Alder-maws cast their Collops they are immediately put off the Bench and as they have lost their Grease so must they lose their Grace at a clap Why this is hard now but 't is true as hard as it is I can tell you that The Geometrical form of the City is Oval and hath four Gates at which there do daily attend course by course four Alder-maws Selected to the Office of Supervisors of the Paunchery and
in Rome On the other side of this Famous Cliff stands the City of Bawds-Den This City has been oftener on fire than ever was Old Rome partly through the Negligence of the Citizens and partly through the aptness to take fire for they use in their Buildings Brimstone instead of Lime and Brandy instead of Water which serves them instead of Tarris or Morter being mixed together Adjoyning to this is Scituate another little City called Puncks-nest Built all of Flint and a little further towards the Frontires of Idle-Burg lie those large Mountains commonly called Holiday-Hills where the people keep continual Revels and sit in Judgment upon such as offend by observing working dayes Two fair Cities are seated on these Hills Games-bury and Merry-Com-twang and on the East side of them the River Ease falls into the River Idle making three or four Islands called by the Inhabitants the Dancing-Isles Inhabited only by Organists Pipers and Fidlers The Quality and Conditions of the People EVery Individual man in this Country professes himself a Gentleman Born And most of them can shew Pedigrees for a thousand years before the World was created you shall have their Galleries drawn with their Lineal and Colateral Descents though the Neighbours are able to prove their Grandfathers were either Carters Costermongers or Coblers Their best sort of Gentry content themselves with the poorest fare that ever attended a fasting-day yet some of them perhaps will make a feast once a year which for excess of Provisions and Multitudes of Guest will put a period to the Inviters Revenues who all the year after will defraud his barking stomach to accomodate the back with the best he can rake together yet will they never acknowledg or confess their defect of Belly-Timber but the contrary where ever you meet them about dinner time you may observe them picking their Teeths as if newly come from the destruction of a Regiment of Dishes No man that knows them will lend them a Groat upon their Credits Therefore they are obliged to to hire their Apparel at the Burrow Town of Brokeria or take it up at Bumaree of the Merchants of Tallymore They give themselves tedious long Names and delight to have their Country and alliance mentioned in their Titles which being joyned together it is directly impossible to pronounce in a breath The Gentleman-Cook at the Ordinary where I dined was named Signior Hernando Gonzalo Ribadenira de Toledo They wear their Swords generally as long as their Titles for I hapned to be there when the Youth were Training or indeed more properly Trayling as appears by their Trayling of Swords at their heels as we our Pikes to accommodate the Funerals of a Field-Officer But hold there stand clear a little I am resolved to have one touch at this long Sword with my verse-Pen Walking the Fields to view the Martial Train With Drums and Colours Marching on the Plain That which I saw which most Delight affords Was Pigmy-Gyants with Gygantick Swords Have you a Barbers Pole or Sign-Post view'd Such was each Weapon as to Longitude But was not altogether quite so Large Hung like the Rudder of a Western Barge The Pommel like the Helm each by his Hand Steers his small Burthen'd Bark with at Comand The Guard or Hilt I fancied did appear Like nothing more than a deep Cullender I saw one drawn and then it look't me thought Like a long Spit run through a Porridg-Pot Which on a March Good Service may afford Steal but a Lamb and Spit it on the Sword And a good shift for Rost-meat take my Word Ostridge Feathers are as dear with them as Russia Furs with us some of them will hang Bells at their heels that the noise may attract peoples eyes upon their graceful carriage as they pass the Streets One thing I marvelled at among the rest as well I might most of them instead of Meat live upon the fume of a certain Herb which they receive through a long Engine made of white Clay into their Mouths from whence it issues like the fume of a Brewers Chimney I know not certainly whether they had this from the West Indians or the West Indians from them Yet some affirm that the Indians of the Torred Zone Invented the same to make themselves black within disliking to have their inner parts of one Colour and their outward of another Some of them wa st their patrimonies upon this kind of Diet Smoaking so long till all the Fat be in the Fire and all the Fire out of the Kitchen Some of them especially in Bawds-Den and Punks-nest keep certain females as long as their Estates will last certain did I say well I was mistaken for when they have sweetned you out of most of your Superfluous Guinies Their Lodgings are removed and 't is very uncertain where or when either you or their Landladies shall see them again These had formerly the Titles of Harlots But since their Language has been more Civilized they give them the Alamode Name of Courtezans which the Modern Translation Renders Miss Besides a Wife these Supernumeraries are allowed to such as can maintain them both by Law and the Antient Custom of the Country Of the Paradice of Fooliana the Fat. THere is not in all Fooliana so Rare and Stupendious a Monument as The Paradice of Fooliana the Fat A work worthy of admiration You shall afar off behold a shining Mountain all of pure Gold or it seems so and that 's as good framed in old time by Chymical Art On the top of this Mountain standeth a Palace of Cristal built by the Goddess Fortune where she Inhabits giving freely all Abundance to her Credulous Worshipers Hither do People Flock from all the Nations of the World but especially from Fooliana the Devout There are very few in the World but have seen this Mount and Ascended it Men may talk of our Lady of Loretto Or St. James of Compostella They are but Desarts in Comparison of this Here the Pilgrims lye prostrate in the Valley as thick as hailstones in the Road after a frosty Storm but none must approach the ascent of the Hill till they behold a white Banner displayed which is a sign the Goddess is pleased they should ascend then unanimously with Acclamations they bellow Madona Scoperta and then run that run can crowding one another in the narrowness of the passage happy is he that can get first each praying that it would be the Goddesses pleasure to grant his desires One prayes to attain his Love Another that Fortune would send him a Wife that is no Shrew A Third for Honours A Fourth for Riches here you shall have a parcel of Young Heirs praying for the Deaths of Parents and Vncles and there a Crowd of Beardless Students praying devoutly for the Funerals of the Reverend and Right Reverend Their was an Old Fat Blade Cloathed with a Coate paley of Argent and Sable and on his head a Crown of very Antick Fashion almost like
Satis p. 190. A Prologue REports by hear-say who will credit What though the Parish-Parson saidit But that the Truth may pass for Credo I even I my self Quevedo Resolv'd to visit Forreign Islands The Southern Climates Low and Highlands Lands which indeed were other Peoples To view their Towns their Churches Steeples Their Cities Forts and Magazines The Courts of Forreign Kings and Queens Their Manners Habits Customs Fashions And various kinds of Habitations Such things so tickling to my Fancies As I have Read in Old Romances As Gyants and Inchanted Castles Whose Fanes Sumptuous Turrets Dazles The Eyes of such as passed by If they by Chance Look up so high These Curiosities invite me With hopes that Travel will delight me To lanch into the Curled Ocean And hoisting Sail the Ship had Motion Which ready lay when we had stept in To plow the Watry Plains of Neptune We having Sail'd 3 Leagues or Nine Miles Lost sight of Landmarks Steeples Wind-mills Now trusting only to the Compass Though Neptunes surly surges thump us Wee in good time got safely over But what our passage did discover To tell the Truth was no great matter For all we saw was Sky and Water Well but suppose I 'me come on Shore And then suppose but one thing more That what so e'er is worth your Notice Is in this Little Book and so ' t is The Discovery of the Land of Belly-All-Main a part of the South Indies Called Terra Australis Incognita Bordering upon Terra Dell Fuego Of its Scituation THE Land of Belly-All-Main is a Region far extending both in Longitude and Latitude bounded on the North with the Aethiopian Ocean on the East with the Sheelands on the South with Fooliana the Fat and on the West with the Filching-Fens It lyeth in that undiscovered Continent where that monstrous Bird RVC snatcheth up now and then a whole Elephant at a stoop and swaps him up at a Bit Touching the Soyl the Fertility is most worthily Admirable and the Ayr most delicately Temperate In Latitude It lieth full sixty Degrees and in Longitude seventy four from Cabo-de-Bon-Speranza and is Scituate almost directly opposite to the Southern Frontiers of Affrica Such Cosmographers as Write hereof divide it generally into two Provinces Eat-All-Main Called by the Inhabitants Gluttonia and Drink-All-Main By the Natives also called Quaffonia The former scituate in the same Longitude and Latitude with Old England and the Later with the two Germany's Both have one Prince and one Law and a little Reformation would make them Concur also in Habits and Manners Of Eat-All-Main or Gluttonia EAt-all-main is in Form Triangular and resembleth the Figure of Old-Egypt being full of Sky Towring-Hills and yet so Fertile that the very Birds that flock thither from all places to Feed If they stay but three Months at the admirable variety and plenty this Soyl afords They are so Loaden with the luggage of their own Fat that they cannot possibly get wing so high as to over-top one of the meaner Mountains but become sworn Inhabitants of this Fat Country all their Lives after The Shores abound with plenty of Fish of divers kinds and they are naturally so Ravenous and Greedy that you no sooner cast your Angling-hook among them but like Cole-Miners about the Rope when the Candles burn Blew which foretells the coming of the Damp you shall have hundreds about the Line some on the Hook and some on the String and such as miss that Opportunity will hold fast by the Tayls and Fins of such as took time by the foretop 'T would never Tyre a mans Patience to Angle in this Country where he is as sure of Sport as the Beggar when with a Red woollen Rag put down his Back he doth Angle for Lice The Land hath divers good Havens but no Ship is suffered to Harbour There but such as comes Fraighted with good Fare and is Loaden with Delicates the Soyl bears no Tree that bears no Fruit but all the Hedges are stor'd with Apples Pears Plumbs and Nuts of all sorts and some Hops but not such quantities of the last as in Drink-All-Main where their Plenty is Incredible I Conceit our Western English had that kind of Custome from the Drink-All-Mains This Territory of old both Eat-All-Main and Drink-All-Main was under the Government of the Thrivingers held by the Succession of divers Thrivonian Princes whose principal Seat was Eat-All-Main But foreign Invasions ensuing and those Antient Worthyes Chased from Soveraignty whose Memory is almost worn out By whose Extirpation it fell into the Hands of the Eat-All-mains as it continues at this present Time Of Dressing burgh the first Canton of Eat-All-main DRessing-burg is the first Canton of Eat-All-main which is too hot a Climate for any true Eat-All to Inhabit the South-Cape lying under the same Latitude with the most Southern part of Castile and is about 42. Degrees distant from the Equinoctial The Inhabitants are of a swarthy Tawny most of them having their skins shrivled and withered and their Bodies plump't up like a Glove upon a Gridiron they affect Deliciousness rather than Excess Upon the point of this Canton called the Swarthy-Cape the Country is wondrously Overclowded with Smoak because of the nearness of Terra del Fuego the Land of Fire Upon the left hand thereof lyeth the City of Kitchen-Norton the Buildings of which are generally very lofty and as generally smoaky and ill Scented In the midst of this City stands a goodly Temple Dedicated to god All-Paunch a vast and spacious Building wherein are a Thousand Altars Burning with continual Incense except from Shrovetide till Easter unto the aforesaid Deity In the Midst of this Temple is a Tower Erected of Incredible Altitude called by the Inhabitants Chimney Turret from the heighth whereof of the whole Region round about have the usual Signal of War given them for whensoever that Eternal fume ceaseth to ascend in Caligunous Clouds it is a certain warning that the Foe Approaches And this Invasion is most commonly attempted by the Inhabitants of the Starvling Isles otherwise called Hungerlanders for these are the most formidable Enemies that the Eat-All-Mains have Near unto this City of Kitchen-Norton lyeth Cistern-Burgh wherein is the famous Mountain Cock-Alty Exceeding high but directly opposite in nature to Mount Aetna for whereas that Disgorgeth streams of Fire to the Detriment of the Neighbour Cities and Villages so this Stupendious Mountain Cock-Alty sends forth continual Rivers of sweet and fresh water to the great advantage of the Neighbour Cityes especially the City of Kitchen-Norton In Cistern-Burgh are only some few houses of entertainment where commonly do Sojourn for a small season the Journying Citizens of Carp-O-Pan Trout-On and Tench-More with Merchandize from those Marine parts to this tradeing City of Kitchen-Norton Within the liberties of Kitchen-Norton are certain Villages first Hole-Cole a large Town consisting of a strange form of Building of Caves under ground Tongs-Worth Fire-Pan-Wick two
for them the Eat-All-Mains had been down the wind long ere this and there 's the main of the whole matter Of Idle-Burgh an Imperial free Town IDle-Burgh is a famous and free State and hath a large territory under command it is Scituate in the farthest confines of Platters-Plain towards Fooliana The Citizens live in far more happy Estate than ever Monk did having all things they can desire in Abundance The Town is so strongly scituated that it is Impregnable being Built upon a Rock ten German Miles in height and withall so steep that it is utterly Inaccessible at the foot of this Cliff Runs the River Idle whereof the City taketh her name Runs did I say hold it seems rather to Creep being more like a Lake than a River There is but one way up to the Town that is the Townsmen leting down a Basket fastned to the end of a Rope do hale up the Passengers They live all upon certain Birds Naturally bred amongst them the Inhabitants call them Gulls which serve the Cities use with three sorts of Meats Flesh Eggs and Fish Flesh from their own Carkasses Eggs from their Nests and Fish which they bring for the feeding their young ones in huge excess And besides the Sticks of their Nests finds the Citizens with perpetual fireing What would you have more and more you shall have Their Feathers serve the Citizens for stuffing their Beds yes marry do they and some to spare also for Transportation The Ground within the Walls brings-forth whole Vintages of delicate Grapes and whole Harvests of the purest Wheat The People do live an uncurious Life they Sup they Sleep they Rise they Breakfast they Dine they Sup and so round in a Ring Unless a little whoreing now and then chance to add one dance more to the Round The Richer sort have many Servants to attend on them one to open the Masters eyes gently when he awaketh Another to fan a cool Aire whilst he eateth A third to pop in his victuals when he gapeth A fourth to fit his Girdle to his paunch as it riseth and falleth The Master only Exerciseth Eating Digesting and Laying out There are Divers other Cityes that hold of this Idleburgh in Capite and under protection of her enjoy the same priviledges with her as Sleep-on and Snort-apace where the Inhabitants are seldom or never awake and it is strange to see how fat they grow with this Drousie Lethergy The Religion of the Eat-All-Mains THey cannot endure Jupiter for he when he Thunders Sowers all their Wines but they have a good Devotion to god Trine because he eateth up all things before him and shews himself therein a true Eat-All-Main They have built a goodly Temple unto him in which I saw the Picture of Saturn eating up his Children very Artificially pourtraid On Shrove-tuesday They Offer Sacrifice to this Deity whose power appears to them once every year in form of a huge Monstrous Ravenous Fowl The Inhabitants call him RVC to whom they present whole Hecatombs of Raw Flesh thus Ordered Shrove-tuesday As I said before is the day of Sacrifice The place in Pewter-Plateria where is a large Plain lying towards the South incirculed with Mountains unto this Plain do all the Inhabitants flock bringing with them an Ocean of Victuals as Elephants Camels Oxen of the largest size Boars Sheep Goats with a whole Army of Fowl all with their Feathers pluckt off All these are put as it were into this large Cage which done they get them up on the top of the Mountains sides as if they took their Seats in a Playhouse and with bended knees do there expect the comeing of this Deity Old RVC of Rucks-Hall At length Sir you shall see him come afar off with a noise Able to Deaf the whole Nation three hundred miles about with a great crooked Bill as bigg almost as half the Equinoctial Circle with a pair of Tallons like two broad spread Oakes with two Eyes in his head like two Towns that were on fire and such an Inundation of Harpies Ravens Vultures and Hawks about him O! strange stupendious sight for Men to behold and with a Cry able to procure an Earthquake they Approach the Plain and by and by their Wings Eclips the Sun and bring a Midnight over the whole Valley Three times they flag about the Plain while the People pour out their very Bladders in Tears and all that is in their Bellies in hearty prayers to this Rout of Religious Birds By this time General RVC the Leader of this Starved Regiment hath spied his Prey For you must Note he out of all this Folio Catologue of Carcasses must chuse what pleaseth his Tooth first Well suppose he take some five Elephants or half a score of Oxen he is to be first served and then every one to his shark Tag Rag and Longtail Here you shall see one fly away with a Calf there another with a Lamb here one with a Boar and there another with a Swan every one fitting his Luggage to his strength And thus with a Reverend applause of all the spectators they depart every one with his carriage and leaves the rest behind them All which the people are bound in Conscience to make ready and eat up ere they depart whereby their Bellies are so overcram'd that they loath flesh forty dayes after During which space they live all upon Fish This vacancy sharpens their Appetites to fall greedily to Flesh again at the time expired As sure as Death the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this Country upon granting the Eat-All-Mains some odd Indulgences or upon dispenceing with them for Ember-Weeks Of the Laws of the Eat-All-Mains GVrmonds-Hall is a stately Structure Built in Orbicular form like a Theatre as well large and high as Beautiful set forth with fair Arched Windows whose Lights are of transparent Horn Curiously pannelled the Roof supported by Pillars which are of the Thigh Bones of Elephants very artificially cemented together and over the front of the Entrance are these Verses fairly Engraven in Letters of Gold Let no Thin Jaws presume to pass this Stone The place is Sacred to the Plump alone And within the Hall hangs a Table chained to a Pillar containing these Inviolable Laws I. That Eating but one Meal a day be henceforth held for A Capital Transgression II. He that overthrows a full Dish or Cup Rashly shall be forthwith by This Statute enjoyned Standing upright on his Feet to have a dish of Broth set between his heels which he must eat all up with a Thimble III. That none Eat alone nor violate the Laws of the Table by any private Suppers upon pain of Eating his next Meal with his heels upwards IV. That if the Mouth be full it shall be sufficient to answer by holding up the finger V. That breaking Wind either by belching or otherwise be held not only Lawful but Honourable VI. That if any one hold his breath while his Belly is Measuring he
headless labour ended in putrefaction till Revenues and Reputation were both dead and rotten whereas indeed the Oracle gave him better Councel than he could comprehend Take Pains That is A Mathook and a Spade will get thee Gold Sooner than Chymistry a Thousand Fold Of the Cityes of Cockscom-baya and Ass-Sex and of Blocks-ford the Metropolitan THe first City I Accosted in this Country was Hollow-Pate a Town of Good antiquity and well contrived but affords no rarity therefore I leave it and pass on to Bauble-dock a Corporation Worthily Famous for the Wisdom of their Aldermen These men a little before my arrival held a Court about Determination of a very doubtful matter which was thus The Sky was very Cloudy and a terrible storm of Rain or hail was generally feared The Mayor immediately calls a Bench who were to Consult how to dispel the suspected Storm The First Mans advice was to Ring all the Bells in the Town another Advised rather to make great Fires in every Street thereby to dry up the Moysture of those thick Clouds at length the Opinion of one of the gravest Aldermen was demanded who standing up Confutes the Opinions of the two former Politicians adding his advice which was that the only quirk to avoid the impending peremptory Storm was to Issue forth Immediate Orders commanding all the Citizens to shroud themselves under the Roofs of their own Houses and so let it all fall to the ground that so when those biggfac'd bragging Clouds found no resistance they would destroy themselves and expend their fury before they were aware Was not this an ingenious Intrigue Yes believe me t' was and had the Unanimous approbation of the whole Bench Twittle Twattle don't tell me Wisdom is not bound to Inhabit only Europe Blocks-ford The very eye of all Terrestial Cities is here seated Civitas Angelorum are but Peas-Markets in comparison of this It stands partly on a plashy plain and partly upon a little Mountain both lying Northward a great distance from any Wood or River The upper part of the Town serves the lower with Snow-Water the lower serving the upper with Spring-Water There are in the Circumference of the Walls just Sixteen Gates wherein to the Founders Fame it exceeds all the Cities of the World by four the Geometrical form is neither Circuler nor Oval but like the portraiture of a mans Body he that Surveys this Town will Imagine that he beholds Prometheus as he lies bound upon Mount Adazer Or the Lineaments of some mighty Colossus The Market place is on the Hills top for that being the Head of the City Administers life and Nourishment to the expanded Body On this Mountains top the Magnificoes and Seniors of the City have their habitations to the end that as they are the Head and Eye of of the City so the Body should lye as a fitter Object to their prospect Down from this head descendeth a narrow Street which resembles the Neck which is Inhabited only with Sergeants Beadles and Deputy Constables From the lower end of this Street do two other extend themselves on either side resembling the Arms and Hands These are peopled though but sorrily with Handy-crafts Men but with few or no Crafts-Masters The Bulk of this Fabrick Lyes in a Broader Street and here you have all your Inns Ale-Houses and Taverns down to the Loyns the lower parts being Inhabited by Scavingers Jackes-Firmers Broom-Men Fish-Wives and Card-match Wenches which I shall Let alone The Magnificoes build their Houses of a stately Form and very lofty to be thereby the nearer to Heaven and more elevated from this unrefined Dunghil of Terrestial Conversation Their Houses are curiously depicted within with the Names of their Ancestors Guests and intimate Acquaintance Done with Charcoal or the Flame of a Tallow Candle The Grand-Dunsonions for so the Burgomasters Tytle themselves whilst I was there held a Parliament about matters of State in general and in particular about Securing Brautifying and Advancing the Publick good of this City of Blocks-ford where every one as is allowed gave his Opinion touching the Commodious Advantages thereof one Advises them to cause a Convenient Haven to be cut through the Mountains though it was above five hundred Miles from the Sea that Ships may Trade to the City produceing examples of other Cities whose Glory stood wholly upon the Riches of a Navigable Trade A Second riseth and to confute all the others Arguments Discourses what a dangerous thing it is to repose Confidence in such an inconstant element producing divers Examples of Cities that lay buried in the devouring Womb of the Seas Another rather advises that Conduits may be Erected in the Vallies that will elevate and defuse the Water in smaller streams without fear of Delluges which may be conveyed in pipes from below to the Mountains top which is easy to be done saies he for if you observe the Water how it bubbles upwards thereby denoting that it is willing to ascend if it had but Pipes for Conveyence Well none of these passes the Approbation of the Bench but then suddenly up starts a Fourth and he is for raising a high Mountain above the City for these subsequent uses First because the whole World might not take notice of the Actions of the Blocks-fordians and more especially of the Grand-Dunsonions Secondly That thereby the City would be better fortified Thirdly That they might be better defended from Cold by the warm Scituation of the City under so high a Mount and that this Mountain the Inhabitants of the Valley should dig below and so lay it together above the head of the City and then a Bridge should be built from one Mountain to the other by which the City might be Accommodated with necessaries This Speech ended up steps another and smiling demands if it were possible that a Valley should produce a Mountain But said he should we allow a posibility yet to build a Bridg were indiscretion for should a Traveller stumble or lose foot-hold there were no way in the World to escape present death or which is worse the breaking of an Arm or a Leg No but if my small Experience in State-Affairs may Receive Approbation of this Grave Assembly of Dunsonions I would rather advise to an enterprise which may be easily effected and would advance the Honour and Dignity of this Metropolitan City which is this That every man according to his Ability shall erect a Spire upon the top of his House and upon the uppermost point thereof shall advance a Cock Vulgarly called a Weather-Cock either of Brass or Silver with a Combe of Gold or Goldsmiths Work This Cock to be moveable and to follow the express commands of the Wind. And in every Spire I would have Chimes or at least a Clock to strike hourly which being once compleated O! What Pathetick Spirit can express the reduplicated delight which will redound from hence both to the Eye and Ear To see such a glittering fulgur of Lofty Spires
and to hear such a sweet Clamor of Harmonious Bells He had not quite closed his Mouth before the whole Court opens in Acclamations and Approbations of this Project so gravely and States-Man like propounded and presently the Bench arose Commanding the performance according to this so Learned Advice so that he that in his Travels shall hereafter Arrive at this City will find it in far more Glorious Estate then it was my hap to behold That 's certain for I saw some of the Scaffolds raised before I came from thence Of the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza NEre unto Blocks-ford lyeth the Marquisate of Spendall-ezza a Country not long since very Rich and of Antique and Honourable Memory but now it is quite gon down the Wind I observed nothing worthy of note except a Large Forrest called Acteons Dogg-Kennel and an Eight square City called Hey-Dice with another little Corporation by the Inhabitants named Hawks-Pearch The Inhabitants of all these are the only Spenders under the Moon they study nothing in the World but the Mistery of scattering some delighting in Rich Habits some in Doggs some in Hawks some upon a pair of Ivory Cubes or A pack of Speckled Past-boards and thus their patrimonies take Wing and when all is gone but Garments Ene have at all and farewell them too The Dice or the Brokers are their Ordinary Chapmen well what 's a man but his pleasure But now whether this Marquisate belongs to Fooliana the Fond Or the Fat that I cannot resolve But however I am sure 't is within the Territories of Fooliana the Great Some Lawyers and Usurers have formerly inhabited about this Country but in this Latter Age they are all transported and most of them dwell now about the City of Pick-Pocket-an-gul in the Province of Thevingenia of which I shall discourse by and by In this Continent joyning to Spendall-ezza is the Antient port of Cold-harbour which is joyning to Prodigalls Promentory which is a Sanctuary to Banckrupt Debtors To this place Resorts all that are cast in Law or such as are Insufficient to satisfie their deluded Creditors Those in this Country that have any Sons Assign them their patrimonys before Nature allows them any Beards And if in case they dye before this time all the Estate is left to their Wives out of which she pays their debts by Sequestration But if they bury their Wives they lavish more on their Funerals than would serve for a portion with the Foulest of their Daughters Of Clawback-Court BEtween this Marquisate and Fooliana the Fat lieth another Nation called Clawback-Court which is peopled with the strangest Monsters that ever man beheld every man has two faces and speaks with two Tongues This Nation is Born to servitude and voluntarily make themselves Slaves to the Magnificoes of Fooliana the Fat which Borders upon this Country And though they are so sottish that they cannot of themselves enterprise any thing worthy of commendation yet they can immitate and Counterfeit any Action they see done before them The World has not the like for exact resemblances they neither wear Attire speak word or do deed but they have seen the like before When I was there they halted all upon one Leg and went Spiting and Spawling from Morning till Night The Reason was as I since understood that Seignor-Tickle-Ear their Governour had of late hurt his Foot and withall was troubled with an Old Pocky Cough There are by Report some Gallants among them pertaining to the Court speak to or look but upon one of them and you shall have him presently kiss his hand cringe in the Ham and with a Laborious Congee like an Eccho Reverberate the last word you speak and with an Applauding smile twist within you with the most fawning Terms immaginable Mustring up a whole Heralds-Office of Titles and top-heavie Preambles Then putting his lips together stand hovering for your next Syllable to understand how his last was approved which if Current though scarcely Sense is presently Recorded in his Tables as more than Humane Conceipt nay as an adored Oracle then standing with his Eyes fixt on the Element adores you with as warm a Zeal as a Drink-All-Main does Bacchus upon all four These increditable Courtiers are the Principal Gentry in these parts or at least their outward appearance presents them so As for the rest they are or look like Barbers Sales-Men and Milleners They acknowledge no God but the man whom they make choice to serve and him they observe with more Sacrifices and Adoration than an Idol but it is from the the Teeth Outwards The first City in this Region is called Praise-all A sight-affecting Structure but so slightly Built that there is no hope it should stand long It is much enriched by the Traffick of the River Fiction and is often damnified by the Inundations of the same Nere this Town standeth a Village called Tongue-Walk where the Inhabitants are continually talking this Village is Scituate at the Foot of a Mountain from whence it ariseth as far as Tickle-ear a Famous Burrow-Town where stands the Mannor-House of their Senior who derives his Title from hence The Inhabitants imploy themselves in continual Laughters On the other side of this Mount lieth a pleasant valley called Soothing-Dale and at the further end thereof is a Marsh called Scoffstowfen which reacheth down as far as Shamesteed a Town of infamous note whither they use to banish all their Witches Conjurers Ass-trologers and Almanack-Makers Of Fooliana the Fat. THis Region appears to exceed all the Southern Countries round about for Wealth and Pleasure and were it as it seems I question whether the whole Northern World could find a Country to parallel it But indeed the People generally feign to have what really they have not and do fairly amplify that which they possess There is a double ledg of Mountains extend some ninety German Miles in length and between them is a spacious Plain of the same length and this is Fooliana the Fat through which the River of Ease a very goodly Current hath its course with many Semi-circling Meanders Do but imagine what delicate Prospects are from so many stately Cities as are ranked on the Mountains sides over the fertil Plaines so Richly watred and stored with fat pastures which are Inviron'd with comely ranks of flourishing Willows The neatness of these Cities excells their number yet are they but of a slight kind of building and though their outward forms promise all decorum yet within you shall find very little good Order At the Mouth of the passage through these Mountains standeth the Castle of Braggadril proudly Built but beggarly Stated And nigh unto it is Backbiting-Burg By this Town is a Rock of incredible altitude called Breakneccliff it is as broad at the top as at the bottom and beareth the form rather of a Tower built by mans hand than any work of Nature This Rock is as famous for a place of Execution here as ever the Tarpeian Cliff was