can they be better designed thâ— when we aim at nothing but 〈◊〉 good benefit and honour of thâ— Church in paying and receiviâ— its dues I long to inform thâ— throughly in this point which cannot do by writing therefore let me desire thee for thy own souls sake to defer no longer the payment of the residue of those Tithes which thy wicked Husband would defraud the Church of give me notice then as soon as may be of an opportunity to come to thee and then I shall fully inform thee of the Justice of the matter in hand so that thou shalt he wholly convinced of the necessity of continuing our private meetings This Letter being read the Husband after a little pause bid his Wife tell the Messenger that had brought it that the Priest should not fail to come to her in the Orchard at midnight where she long'd to see him and do justice to the Church that she would leave the back door open and that there they might be very secure from her Husbands Jealousie with this Answer away goes the Messenger back who made the Priest overjoy'd with this most favourable Answer applauding his own wit and subtlety and longed most impatiently for the happy hour In the meantime the Husband gets in readiness two of his neighbours with lusty Cudgels to entertain the Gallant with all according to his deserts at the appointed place The hour came into the Orchard came the Priest likewise where in liew of the good woman's kind reception he met with one somewhat more crabbed at the hands of the Hushand and his assistants In short they all three did so well handle their weapons that in a short time they left the poor Lover not able to stir a Limb which invited them to be so civil as to carry him between them at a little distance from the Orchard where near a high way they left him In the morning when people began to stir abroad the half dead sinner was found in this condition by some going that way presently it was reported to the Bishop and the noise of it spread all over the City The Priest is taken up laid on a Hearsâ— covered and in great solemnity and demonstration of sorrow carried about all the quarters of the City with a procession of Priests following after and the hard usage of him told to every one that inquired into the matters though not one word mention'd of the cause thereof all this being done by the Bishops order you must know to strike sorrow and compâ—â—ssion and that the severe punishment which he intended to inflict upon the Deliquent should be the less wondered at The Governour hearing that there was such a procession on foot and not knowing the occasion made some of his Servants inquire the reason of it the business being reported to him he takes cognizance of the matter sends for the Criminal and will have a business that caus'd so much disturbance in the City to be discussed before him and those Magistrates as us'd to sit on criminal causes to assist him in a matter of so strange a nature the Criminal is brought before the bench he confesses the fact and withal the reasons that did move him to do it the accusers come to aggravate the Crime the Bishop himself appears in the behalf of the Church represents the affront done to the Clergy and the evil consequences of it The Governour upon that asks of the Criminal why he had not complained to the Bishop if he had had any wrong done him by any of the Clergy who doubtless would have done him Justice and not offer to carve to himself as he pleas'd out of Justices store To which the poor man answers that he had made his complaints to the Bishop but had received so little satisfaction the first time and the punishment was so insignificant to the Delinquent that it had not deterr'd him from committing the same fault over again very suddenly after so that he was resolved to do himself Justice The Governour inquires into the manner and nature of the punishment to know whether it was proportion'd to the Crime and being Certified that what the Malefactor had told him of the Bishops sentence upon on the Priest was true he stood up and pronounced this sentence with a loud voice For as much as the Criminal that stands at the Bar before us has confessed the Crime he is accused of and that it is sufficiently proved by the injured persons own mouth and the marks that remain yet upon the Body of the ill treated which he has lately received from the said person I hear declare and pronounce that the said Criminal shall be suspended and is hereby suspended from going into any Tavern during three whole dayes and that in case the said Delinquent does offer to set his foot into any Tavern whatsoever or wheresoever during the said time after the giving of this sentence that then he shall be proceeded against as shall be judged fit This Ironical but just sentence having produc'd much joy on the one side and more spight and vexation on the other The Bishop in the name of the Clergy stood up and said that he would appeal of this affront done to the Church in his Person to a Supreme Power so went his way with the rest of the Crew He was after that as good as his word and the Governour who did stick close to him and the Delinquent Priest having exhibited those evidences which he had gathered against them both and the witnesses being heard the Bishop was quietly laid aside and the Priest degraded and turn'd out of his Benefice all as privately as might be that the less scandal should arise to the Church by the wicked actions of such dangerous men Now Sir I have made an end of my Relation which I will avouch to be true to a tittle At this Le Noble rising and returning thanks to the two good Friers for their good company and agreeable conversation he assured them that he did believe all that the Frier had said was very true and that he â—as further convinced thereof by the Curates absence whose guilty Conscience would not let him return With that the Friers taking leave with many thanks went their ways and Le Noble gets into his bed Chamber where having call'd for the Host in order to pay the reckoning that hâ— might be the sooner gone in the morning The house discharged he goes to make fast his door but finding neither Look nor Bolt to it he did make a barricado against it of all â—hat he could find in his Châ—mber and then he flings himself upon the bed in his Gloaths with his Pistols and his Sword by him having left the Candle burning in the Chimney Some hours after our Traveller being in a profound sleep he was awakened out of it with the great noise that those things which he had set against the Door upon the Table made in falling he throws himself off
a pritty young but very silly woman I must confess answer'd one of the good Friers that we were wondring that you had spared us so long contrary to your usual Custome but do your worst we will give you a Rowland for your Oliver and begin when you please At these Menaces have at you said the Curate and thus he began his Story The Curate 's Tale. A Certain Good man who had lately married a young Woman against a good time was telling his Wife that he design'd to go to Confession and that he would have her to do the like she excus'd her self by informing her Husband that she having never yet been at Confession did not know the manner of it nor knew she to whom she should address her self sweetheart said the good man to his Wife in the Monastery of the Carmelites there is a certain Religious man of my acquaintance to whom I will recommend you for my sake he will instruct you and will shrive you very well so giving his Wife the name of the Frier he sends her to the Covent The good woman got thither inquires after the Frier and she is ordered to wait for him in the Church not long after comes unto her the party who inquires what she desired to which with a Curtesie she made Answer that her Husband such a one had sent her to him to confession knowing that he was a godly man and she young and unexperienc'd in such matters At this the Frier pricks up his ears and within his heart thanks his good fate for presenting him with so good a Fortune with that he takes her to an obscure place of the Church where he us'd to confess others and there he holding her by the hand began his Interrogations and through his diligent Care and good Instructions he made the Innocent Creature answer very directly unto all his questions The Frier by this time having found by the silliness of her own Answers that she was much Fairer than Wife he resolv'd to bear up close to her continuing his discourse in this manner My dear Child hitherto you have answer'd very punctually to all my questions and accordingly I shall absolve you but there is yet remaining one thing in which you must be very just or you will commit a very great Sacriledge Therefore be sure to give me a very exact account of what I am going to ask of you The poor silly Creature having made answer with a yea Sir and a short Curtesie he drawing her still more in the dark so that they could be perceived It is my kindness to you said he which makes me lead you so in the dark that you may with more freedom answer to what I shall ask you and with that holding her by the hand with one hand and under the Chin with the other dear Child continued he how often has your Husband lain with you Be sure you Answer me justly and hid nothing from me At thiâ— the silly young thing answer'd with a great sigh truly so often within the compass of the half year they had been married that it was impossible for her to know the number At this Answer the Frier seeming much surpriz'd how said he not know the number how can the Church have the Tithe then And how can you hope for an absolution so long as you withold the Church of its rights I am very sorry continued he that you are in so dangerous a condition and for the Love I bear you and by reason of your want of knowledge in such matters I would gladly find out some way to redress this great error thus went the Frier on still aggravating each Circumstance which so affrighted the poor silly woman that she fell trembling upon her knees at the Friers feet and all in Tears and Sobs earnestly begg'd that he would contrive some way to absolve her from this so hainous a sin seeing that she had committed it out of meer ignorance and that her Husband was very much to blame that he had not given her timely notice of it and humbly intreated him to take the Tithes himself as much as he thought fit and rather more than less that she might be absolutely freed and absolved from that grievous sin The good Frier did what he could to appease her and having setled her mind a little by his comfortable sayings he told her that for the present he would be contented with some small part of the Tithes but that he would take a longer time to compute what was due in all for as he would not have the Church to lose any advantage neither would he for the World wrong her good Husband of the worth of a pin with that he takes her by the Arm and conveys her by a secret passage into his Chamber where he took what part of the Tithe he pleas'd which having done and kissing the young Woman go my Child said he and be chearful I shall come sometimes at your house to take the rest of the Tithes but one thing more I must inform you of before you go know that is a mortal sin for any one to reveal any the least part of Confession therefore you must be sure not to declare by any means soever either to your Husband or any body esle what has pass'd between you and me for if you do you will be damn'd for ever without redemption To which the Penitent woman having answer'd that she would be sure to keep silence and desiring him once more to take a larger quantity of the remaining Tithes least any evil should happen to her or her Husband by detaining them any longer he to gratifie her and put her out of all fears did make a further deduction of the arrears and so dismiss'd her the same way she had come in with his blessing sending her home to the good man her Husband with an assurance that he would come to her house and take the rest of the Tithes when ever she would give him notice of her Husbands absence The Curate had proceeded so far when one of the Friers with a great deal of impatiency did thus Interrupt his discourse I have had much patience to hear you speak all this while though all that you have said is very true and that the Story goes on a great way further but that which makes me thus impatient at present is that you should have the confidence to put upon any religious Order that of which you your self are guilty you being the very person that did this horrid act for which you were deservedly punished by the Husband and afterwards turn'd out of that Benefice which you had then in a Church in the City of Lyons where this filthy Sacriledge of yours was commited I happened at that time to be there and I remember you very well How you came to be entertain'd Vicar in this place I wonder at but I assure you that I will make a strict inquiry after it and have you
punished as you deserve being so great a scandal to the whole Church The good Frier would have gone on and perhaps his Zeal to Religion and his abomination of such Crimes would have occasion'd a Learned declamation against such Sacrilegious persons but that the Host willing to befriend the Curate who was one of his constant guess interrupted the good Frier desiring him to forbear at present any further discourse on that subject The Curate at this was not mute but in a Chaffing manner told the Company that he would maintain all that he had said was of a Carmelite Frier that he knew him very well that he would immediately go fetch some Writings in which they all should see the Name and Sirname of the persons concerned and where and at what time this was done so in a great fury he went down Stairs Mean time the good Frier having intreated Le Noble to give him but one quarter of an hours attention that he might justifie his Order and set the saddle on the right Horse he thus continu'd the Story The continuance of the Curates Story YOu have already heard the notorious Villanies of this wicked Curate from his own mouth though he would gladly lay it upon some other the crime appearing so hainous to himself that he is ashamed to own it I will begin where he left off and that he is that very person I shall prove to morrow by undeniable evidences This abominable man being impatient to pursue what he had so wickedly began staid not long till he went to visit this abused young Woman and his visits grew so frequent that at last the good Husband having some kind of suspition of the business did one day wait for this beastly man and soon did intrap him ploughing with his Heifer The Priest for so he was then finding himself discovered withdrew to his home as suddenly and secretly as he could possible And the poor abused Husband having found by the Silly Answers which his simple Innocent Wife made to his questions about the business that she had been through her great simplicity most abominably abused by this wicked fellows subtle and devillish practices he was not angry with her but having instructed and admonished her he left her very sorrowful and pensive and immediately went to complain to the Bishop of the abuse done unto him in the person of his Wife The Bishop with much patience heard out the poor man's Complaint and seeming very angry gave order that the Priest should immediately be sent for which was accordingly done so soon as he was in the Bishops presence he asked him in a very angry and furious manner what tempted him to do so wicked a thing and after many threats and chidings not giving him once leave to answer he told him that he would severely punish him for it after these and many more big speeches having first dismiss'd all that were in the Room but the Plantiff and the Delinquent he strictly did forbid him ever for any more seting his foot into the injur'd man's house nor ever to dare to speak to his Wife or so much as look upon her and for a further punishment he charg'd him upon pain of Excommunication not to enter into any Church during three whole dayes and so dismiss'd them both The Priest went home much discontented that he should no longer have so easie an access as he had formerly to the good man's Wife but what troubled him worst of all was the fears that the Husband had disabus'd his poor innocent Wife and better inform'd her for the future so that he should be put to new practices before he could reclaim her again As concerning his exclusion from Church it fitted so well his humour and inclinations that he was the better pleas'd with it because it gave him more leasure to retire and contrive new ways to once more Insnare that poor innocent soul The Husband on the other hand being not at all contented with such a sort of satisfaction as he had received from the Bishop resolves to make his complaint to the Governour of the City with that he immediately goes to his appartment and acquaints him with the whole Story and most earnestly begg'd upon his knees that he would do him such Justice as were suitable to the offence he had received since that he could not have it from the Bishop who of Right was to have done it The Governour who was a person of as great irregrity and goodness as he was punctual and severe in his Government told the poor fellow that it was out of his power to do him Justice but continued he yet I would not have such notorious villanies pass unpunished therefore honest friend since thou canst not get any other redress from the Bishop then what thou hast mention'd unto me which is so insignificant and I knowing by very good informations that both the Bishop and Priest are persons of lewd Lives and Conversation I do advise thee that the next time thou find'st the Priest to attempt any thing upon thy Wife thou gets some friends to assist thee and having in trap'd him Gudgle him to some purpose but take care of killing him or breaking any of his Limbs and when thou hast done come to me and declare before those persons that I shall have there on purpose the whole business both of the wrong done thee the Bishops sentence against the offender and thy revenâ—â— upon him and let me alone with the rest I shall take care that no hurt shall come to thee thereby The good man having thank'd the Governour goes his way home again with a firm resolution to have his full Revenge and to that purpose watches the Priest narrowly and admonishes his Wife to do the like which she gladly undertook being highly incensed against him now that her Husband had undeceived her They both were not long before they had an opportunity presented them for the Lascivous Priest thinking the time long till he were at his beastly Embraces again though the three dayes Pennance were not yet fully expired writ a passionate kind Letter to the young Woman and had it privately convey'd to her by an Old woman that us'd to be employ'd by him in such Embassies who found an opportunity to deliver it privately into the young Womans hands who going into some other place as if to Read it in private she gave it to her Husband who having opened it found writ in it as follows My dear Child I Make no question but thaâ— thy Husband through an excess of Jealousie and contempt oâ— the Holy Church has put strangâ— things into thy head as if whâ— we have done together were 〈◊〉 Just and Lawful not considerinâ— that whatsoever is done with right intention though it mighâ— seem somewhat unusual and appeâ— not very well unto Vulgar Eyes could have a sinister end No 〈◊〉 dear Child we cannot Err what ever we do so long as 〈◊〉 direct our intentions aright aâ—
in common done said Le Noble and let me add contined he that we shall inseparably live to gether and run the same fortune done said Susetta and I will conclude with this that we may not be bedfellows till we arrive at Paris where I will dress me like a bride to appear the more agreeably to you mean time I shall be contented with these womens course dress both cry'd Amen and having interchangably seal'd those Articles with kisses upon their Cheeks lips and hands now my dear Le Noble said Susetta I do present thee here with all that I am Mistress of and all that thou canst command from her who is thy most affectionate Mistress Susetta with that she pull'd a great silk Purse out of her pocket and having given it him here take all continued she nay me and all so giving it him she sâ—t her self in his lap and slung her armes about him after Le Noble had given her a thousand kisses and as many embraces she saying she came not emptyhanded to him and that she had reserv'd nothing to her own particular use but the Ring he had given her as the first pledge of his affections I should take it ill of thee Susetta said he if thou shouldst part with that on any terms but leâ— me see what thou hast given me here 't is very heavy Nay 't is worth your perusal I assure you said Susetta with that Le Noble Empties the Purse into his Hat which he found was fill'd with Gold and a very little silver with it amongst which was Matthew Clods Ring This Gold I would have you keep against a pinch the Silver said Susetta will help to serve our present occasions and it comes very seasonably I 'le assure thee Girl said Le Noble for I have been extravagant since I see thee last hold said she first let me give full imformations and then I will have an account of the time you have spent in Paris since you left me here is a hundred and fifty Pistols continued she and these papers are Bills of Exchange upon sight for eight hundred more besides half an years interest which will be due by that time we get to Paris How Eight hundred said Le Noble nine hundred and fifty besides the Silver the interest and this Diamond Ring thou art a Queen Prithy what shall we do with all this money Even be merry make much of our selves and love one another reply'd Susetta thou hast surpris'd me said Le Noble but I prithy now give me a full account how thou camest by all this I know that thy deceased gallant did give it thee in his Will and Testament thou hast likewise inform'd me of some other particulars But I beg of thee while we rest our selves here that thou wouldst give me a full account of thy Life and to induce her the more to it he told her of his strange adventures at Paris and upon the Rode with his odd Mascarading which highly pleas'd her humour being always very much taken with any thing that was rare and singular after which he having once more desired the Relation of her Story she thus began The History of SVSETTA I was born some eighteen years since in the City of Roan in Normandy my Father was a Priest who having a pritty young woman to his house servant he took a fancy to to her and so between them I was Got my Mother some time after I came into the World took the pains to go out of it and the goodman my Father what with sorrow for the loss of his dear Susanna so was my Mother call'd and partly to take away all occasions of talk which had been but too loud amongst the neighbourhood concerning them two he took to him a good old woman who has ever since serv'd to look to his house and dress his Meat I was baptised Susetta in remembrance of my Mother and presently after sent to Cane to be Nurs'd up by a Sister of my Fathers who took a special care of me according to the orders she had receiv'd from the good Priest he had a singular love for me I being the only Child that he ever had though some are of another opinion who say that the good Priest not being able to give my Mother as much as she expected she call'd a Gentleman to â—he assistance who took the pains to make me But let that pass the good Priest being pleas'd to own me for his Daughter in gratitude I must acknowledge him for my Father I was not quite seven years old when being impatient to live any longer without the continual sight of me sent for me home he did express all the kindness imaginable to me and when I was grown up to it set me to learn all the pritty things and Exercises that young Maids use and ever after passing all over Roan for his Sisters Daughter I call'd him my Uncle and he me his Neece Before I was quite fifteen I had appear'd agreeable in the Eyes of divers persons whom would fain have been nibbling But the good man who ever carried a watchful eye over me would put them all by some he thought too wild others too rich some again too poor and others too sober yet guessing by himself and my Mothers constitutions of what temper I might be and remembring that Cat will to kind he endeavour'd to find out a fit match to rid his hands of me so soon as he could knowing that a Maid at fifteen is the most difficult thing in the World to be kept resolving if he once met with a man to his mind to bestow me upon him with that he had gathered during his forty years service in the Church Amongst the rest of my Suiters for I had many and of all sorts there was one that the good man did approve of he was an ill bred Chip of an rough hewen block And doubtless directly descended from the ancient family of the Clowns and nearly allied to that of the La Fooles But he was very rich and a thriving man and consequently esteem'd a very fit match for me by my good Unkle who did not consider that it was very reasonable if he would cut that I should choose however I was of that mind and I behav'd my self accordingly At that time there was also upon the ranks my lately deceas'd Lover who stood stoutly in Competition with my Clown for though the last was prefer'd yet the Old man did admit of him also to the exclusion of all other pretenders He was a Scotchman by Birth a shirk by Education a Pedant by Profession a Beast in manners and a Knave by nature His Parents it was thought were a Merchant such a one as I have been told Sell Cloth up and down the streets in England and a Trul that a Tinker had cast off for her two inseparable qualities incontinency and drunkenness was his Mother his name was Sawndy But as once he told me for brevity sake
so soon as she came near my Unkle he besprinkled her with holy water of which he was very lavish at which she said to him come come t is time to leave off your Conjurings and you turning towards Matthew your folly you may even thank that unlucky patch Susetta for all this she it was that brought in all those Devils which have so affrighted you both to which the Priest with a deal of wrath and indignation made this reply avoyd thou Satanness that woulds delude me and this poor miserable possessed wretch pointing at Matthew I know thou art a deluding Devil and I will send thee from me with that he flung all the holy water he had left in the old womans face which she took so ill from him that saying the Devil take you both she went her wayes and came not near them all that might What the Priest and his distressed lover did after that I could never learn but the next morning the old woman and I rising early we went down to see what was become of them we found them both fast asleep my Unkle in a Chair and Matthew in the same posture we had left him we awakened the good man who was almost starv'd with cold he at first wondred where he was and told us that he had had a very strange dream which he would tell us at some other time but now he was so cold and sleepy that he would go to bed he Chid us both for letting him fall a sleep in a Chair in so cold a place and so away he went but first you must know that while he slept we had divested him of all his Church Ornaments and had laid them out of the way and set all things else in their right places except Matthew who was in a Corner of the Room wedged in the frame of the Chair that he could not be got out While I was getting the good man to bed I told him that when he should wake again I would give him an account of that dream he spoke of at which having answer'd that I was a foolish Girl turn'd himself to sleep During the time I had employed my self in laying the good Priest to bed The Old woman had awakened Matthew and with much ado got him out of the frame of the Chair and having delivered him of the Chain that was about his neck she was comforting him and endeavouring as well as she could to perswade him of the truth of the business but he still persisted in the belief that all he had seen was real while they two were thus arguing the case some body knockt at the fore door I went to see who it was and I found it to be one of Matthews Fathers Plowmen that was come to inquire after Matthew who he said had not come home all night I made him no other answer then that he should go into the yard and turn into the Room on his right hand which he did I durst not appear for fear of setting the fool into some new sit which would have made us been the longer troubled with him and I car'd not how soon we were quit of him Matthew was very glad to see Clunch so near him who told him that his Father had sent him to seek after him who was much troubled at his absence and that he was very glad to have found him in so good a place I think you have all ploted to make me mad said Matthew why was not I at home and in my own bed last night No truly reply'd Clunch there was no body in all our house that did see you last night there and no doubt but you would hardly a gone to bed without your Supper besides I shut all the doors at ten of the clock and I am sure that then you were not come home well reply'd Matthew say what you will and do what you will but I know what I know and feel what I feel and think what I think and I shall tell my Father another story when I get home and so I 'le be gone then shaking his head and leaning upon Clunch his shoulder and dragging his legs after him Good boy continued he I am going but if ever you catch me hâ—re again let all the Devils that tormented me last night torment me ten thousand times more I that hearkened to him all that while got out of the way that I might not be a new obstacle to his going so away went he and his man Clunch together and from that time I never did see him more When my Father was awake again the old woman and I were very busie in perswading him that all which he had seen and done were real but he would have it all a dream and seeing that do what we could we could not perswade him to the contrary and that he began to be angry thinking we play'd too long upon him we left him in his own opinion and so there was no more of that business talk'd of at that time How my Father and my poor Lover did make up the business between them the next time they saw one another I know not but thus much I can tell you that by this roguery of mine I was for a long time freed from all manner of importunities on that Fools account There reman'd still my Bony Scot to whom I ow'd a good turn also which I promised within my self to pay him so soon as I should have an opportunity to do it the good success that I had so lately had with my other lover did make me hope for as good a conclusion with this but the former being more fool than knave and this more knave then fool I was to manage my self accordingly in my designes which were easie to me my natural inclination leading me alwayes to what was Roguish and did continually furnish me with store of invention which made me not be long before I had given my Scot a dish of my cooking he having heard by some means or other that my other Lover came not so frequntly to visit me as he had done formerly he took the advantage of his absence as all Rivalls do to follow me close and endeavour to strike me up before his Rival were aware of it to that purpose he one day sent me this Copy of verses they were so ridiculous and impertinent that with the often reading of them to make my self and my Compâ—nions sport I got them by heart thus they began For the trasulently Beautiful Susan This Poetical rapture I 've set my Muse on TRanscendently firmose obstreperous Beauty Bartholomew your Servant knows his duty He 's too well known to fail in the least point And wholly yours he is through every joynt Therefore he makes bold to Salute in Rhinâ—â— Your self gladly the Tree on which he 'd climb The Font in which he would water his Nag The Fort on which he would display his Flag Your self I say who he would gladlier have Then in