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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A95862 Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior. Burton, Robert, 1577-1640. 1679 (1679) Wing V257A; ESTC R185956 129,090 241

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is All turd now 189. An antient harmless Gentleman and therefore harmless because he was toothless being at breakfast with some others among which was a young brisk and smart Lady that sate next to him and among other dishes of meat there was a lusty coller of brawn and the old man haveing a piece of it on his trencher which you know is a slippery meat and he putting a piece of it into his chops it quickly slipt out again upon the ladies trencher afore-said She presently fell a laughing and gave him a pin to fasten his mouth that no more should come out in that manner and with laughing so heartily at the conceit made an escape behind which the old man hearing presently gave her the pin back again telling her that place was the most fit to be fastned 190. A wild Fellow in the Rumps time being brought before a renowned Justice in the morning before his worship had drank his morning draught and to that end there stood a silver Beaker of ale nutmeg and sugar ready and after his examination says the Justice to him Is this true what they say against you the fellow being a t'other side the table True Sir says he and with that whipt into his hand the silver beaker afore-said and said if it be true I wish this Beaker may never go through me and so drank it up Now Sir says he I hope you will not believe them but me hereafter 191. A Countrey woman that liv'd at Headington near Oxford and upon a Sunday she being not well bid her maid go to church that afternoon and after Sermon was don her dame ask'd her what was the Text She said Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came Well says she what said he in the middle of his Sermon Truly says she I was asleep then Well what did he say at the latter end then Indeed forsooth says she I went away before 't was don Well howsoever I will have you tell me somthing of it What says she d' ye think I am a blab of my tongue No I warrant you I was better bred than so 192. A man it seems that had to his wife as good a woman as any was in England but for whoreing lying swearing nastiness and other such small infirmities which made him define a woman rightly as he thought Says he Women are born in Wiltshire brought up in Cumberland lead their lives in Bedfordshire that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield till twelve a clock every day then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire and die in Shrewsburie 193. A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a lodging but no body would open to him some perhaps not knowing him and some perchance too well at last he bethought himself of getting a lodging a new kind of way and so went to the watch at Temple Bar and there call'd 'em all rogues and other vile names for which they had him to the Counter the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward and he said to him Me thinks you look something like a Gentleman pray what was your reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without cause Truly Sir says he I will tell you the truth I had gone from street to street that bitter night to get some lodging but could find none at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter where I had a good fire good drink and a good bed for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else and so he had his release 194. An ingenious young man that was set to a Borrding School to learn latine and to write and after he had been there more than two years his father sent him a letter that he should write to him that he might see how he had profited both in his learning and his writeing and so very Scholastically directs his letter to his father thus To my most obedient Father which is my Mothers Husband at the house where they live Says a man to him They won't find the house by this direction Puh says he no body but knows my fathers house for if I were in the Town I could find it my self and yet I have not been there this two years and at the end he subscribed thus I cease ever to be your dutifull Son and so forth 195. Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon whether a Gentleman or a Citizen and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them one of them solv'd it thus that when the Moon was at full then there was a Gentleman in her but when she appeared with two horns then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her and that they were lunatick that did not believe it the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford and to confirm it 196. A Frenchman as I hear coming late by Ludgate one night says one of the Watch to him Stand and come before the Constable Begar says he that is very pretty I cannot stand and come before the Constable too Stand I say says another and come before the Constable At which the Frenchman laught heartily saying Begar des men be all ingenious stand and come before the Constable at last the Constable appears Sir says he whither are you going Begar dat's very pretty too Mr. Constable I love you very much great deal well cause you be so like my wife for when I go out a door she says Husband whether are you going just like you Mr. Constable Sir says he whither are you going now Begar Mr. Constable me be going dere where you dare not go Where 's that says the Constable Why begar says he to bed to my own wife Mark you dat Mr. Constable and still laught on that the Constable to be rid as he thought of such impertinency let him go 197. King James being in his progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together resolving to be merry And one humour was that the King haveing that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him which kind of horse he never lik'd in his life told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse So one told one lie and another another and several had told others that there was great laughing and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a countrey fellow complaining to the King that some of his servants had wrong'd him Well well says the King we 'll hear you of that anon Come come hither amongst us and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that Horse Truly Sir says he and 't please your Grace I never told a lie