he cry'd out Wo be to you that build up the Sepulchres of the Prophets like to those that shew them Like to the Heathen to every Saint they allot his proper charge to one with Neptune they share the Command of the Seas and power of Deliverance from the dangers thereof to another with Jupiter to have the Dominion of Thunder to another with Vulcan to controul the Fire to another they pray with Ceres for seasonable and plentiful Harvests to another with Bacchus they give the Charge of their Vintages and Vines The Women also have their Deities from whom as from Lucina they beg for Children and the cure of Barrenness and another by whose Power they either Appease or Revenge themselves upon their Angry Husbands Others there are to whom they give the priviledge of recovering and finding Lost Goods Neither is there any Disease which has not its peculiar Physitian among the Saints Which is the reason that Physitians do not get so much as Lawyers there being no sort of Action though never so just that ever could boast of a Saint for its Patron 'T is true the Papists aver That as the Soul in every Member Displayes a several Act and every Act as it is variously dispos'd receives a distinct Power as the Eye to see the Ears to hear So Christ in his Mystical Body of which he is the Soul by his several Saints as Members accommodated to the same Body doth Administer and Distribute the several gifts of his Grace to the Inferiour Creatures and that to every Saint is allotted a particular operation for the dispersing of several Graces according to the variety of Graces given to each Man But this Conjecture as being one of Agrippa's Vanities for which there is no ground in Scripture we cannot reckon among the Vanities of Science but as a peculiar Invention of his own CHAP. LVIII Of Temples NOW as concerning Temples there was nothing wherein the Superstition of the Gentiles was more eminent who to every Deity were very curious in Building particular Temples after whose Example the Christians afterwards Dedicated their Temples to particular Saints Yet there were many Nations that never made use of any Temples and Xerxes is reported to have burnt all the Temples throughout Asia at the perswasion of his Magicians believing it to be an Impious thing to enclose the Gods in Walls But of these Temples Zeno Citicus Disputed formerly in these Words To build Churches and Temples saith he it is no way necessary for nothing ought to be accompted Sacred by Right nothing to be esteemed Holy which men themselves Build Among the Persians of old there were no Temples Neither was there among the Hebrews from their first beginning but only one Temple Dedicated to Divine use which was Built by Solomon of which however it is thus written in Isaias Thus saith the Lord The Heaven is my seat the Earth the footstool for my feet what is this house which thou buildest for me And Stephen the Protomartyr adds Salomon built a House but the most High Inhabits not in places made with Hands And Paul the Apostle saith to the Athenians God dwells not in Temples made with hands for being the Lord of Heaven and Earth he is not serv'd by mens hands who wants not their help However he teaches that Humane Nature even Men themselves Holy Pious Religious Devout to God are the most acceptable Temples to God as he Asserts writing to the Corinthians Ye are the Temple of God and the Spirit of God dwells in you the Temple of God is holy so ought you to be Moreover Origen writing against Celsus confesses That at the first beginning of Christian Religion and long after Christs Suffering there were no Churches Built Confirming by many Arguments that among Christians they avail neither to the right Worship of God nor to the Honour of true Religion Therefore faith Lactantius Temples are not to be made to God of Stones piled up to an immense height but there is a place to be reserv'd in the Heart of every Man where his Thoughts ought to retire when they are taken up in Religious Exercise Not Temples made with hands th' Almighty hold Just men are the true Temples made of Gold And Christ sends his Adorers not into the Temple not into the Synagogues but into their private Closets to Pray And we read that he himself did many times appear with the Multitude in the Cities in the Temple in the Synagogue when he made his Sermons but he went into the Mountain to Pray where he spent the Night in Prayer However the Church that does nothing but by the Inspiration of the Spirit of God when the Christian Religion began to increase and that Sinners entred into the Temple with the Godly the weak with the strong in Faith and as they entred the Ark of Noe the Clean with the Unclean did then Ordain certain Temples Chappels Churches and separated Places free from Prophane business wherein the Word of God might be Publickly Preached to the Multitude and the Sacraments might be more decently and orderly Administred which have since been held by the Christians in most Venerable Esteem and being guarded with the Immunities of several Princes have encreased to such a vast Number augmented with the Addition of Monasteries Abbies and the like that it is very necessary that many of them should be cut off as superfluous and unnecessary Members And here we cannot be unmindful of another Enormity which is the superbity of Building wherein vast sums of Alms and sacred Money is expended which as we have observ'd before would be more fitly and honestly employ'd in the maintenance of the true poor of Christ the true Temples and resemblances of God many times ready to perish for hunger thirst cold labour sickness and want CHAP. LIX Of Holy-days HOly-days both among the Gentiles as among the Jews were always in great estimation who did all at certain times of the year and upon certain days set apart several Holy-days for Divine worship upon several occasions as if it were lawful to be more religious or more ungodly at one time than another or that it were the pleasure of God to be worshipped more at one time than another which St. Paul objects to the Galatians as a shame writing to them afthis manner Ye observe days and months and times and years I fear I have labour'd for you in vain and without a cause Concerning which when he admonishes the Colossians he commands them in these words Let no man judge you for meat or drink upon a Holy-day or of the New-moon or of the Sabbath which are members of future things For to true and perfect Christians there is no difference of days who are always feasling and pleasing themselves in God always keeping a perpetual Sabbath as Isaiah prophesi'd to the Fathers of the Jews The time shall come that their Sabbath shall be taken away and when the Saviour comes there shall be a
Behold the figure of that man of Parts who dive'd into the Secrets of all Arts A Second Solomon the mighty Hee That try'de them all and found them Vanity THE VANITY OF ARTS AND SCIENCES BY Henry Cornelius Agrippa Knight Doctor of both Laws Judge of the Prerogative-Court AND Counsellour to Charles the Fifth Emperour of Germany ECCLES Vanity of Vanities all is Vanity LONDON Printed by J. C. for Samuel Speed and sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster 1676. TO THE READER Studious Reader WIlt thou not look upon this Labour of mine to be a most bold and almost Herculean attempt to wage War against the Giant-like Opposition of all the Arts and Sciences And thus to challenge the stoutest Hunters of Nature Doctors will knit their enraged brows upon me the Authority of Masters the endeavours of the Batchelors of Art the heat of the Schoolmen the sedition of the Mechanicks will be all up in arms against me All which if I stab at one blow will it not be a greater work than Hercules in the accomplishment of all his Labours was ever guilty of Shall I not have performed a nobler Task if with no less danger and labour I overcome these Monsters of Schools Universities and Pulpits For I am not ignorant how bloody a Battle I must fight or how hazardous and difficult the War will be being to meet with such an Army of potent Enemies Wo is me with what Engins will they seek to destroy me With what weight will they not endeavour to crush me What reproaches will they not endeavour to throw upon me The Grammarians will rail at me the Etymologists will derive my name from the Gout the mad Poets will call me Goat and Momus the frivolous Historians will profane me beyond Pausanias or Herostratus the obstreperous Rhetoricians will plague me with their big Words and mimical Gestures the quarrelsome Logicians will confound me with their Syllogismes The nimble Sophisters will sawe my jawes with the snaffles of their subtle Questions The barbarous Lullist will make me mad with his absurd Soloecisms The Atome-numbring Arithmeticians will set an host of Vsurers upon me The Gamesters will curse me The Musicians will sing Ballads of me The proud Matrons will expel me their Meetings The Wenches will deny to kiss me The giggling Girls will laugh and cry I dance like a Camel The lewd Players will kill me in a Tragedy The intricate Geometrician will imprison me in his Triangles and Tetragonals The vain Painter will make me more ugly than an Ape or Thersites himself The Cosmographer will banish me amongst the Bears into Greenland The Astrologer will erect some wicked Scheme or other for me The Physiognomist will defame me for being impotent The Epicures will bespew me to death The Tyrant will crucifie me in Phalaris's Bull. Hypocrites will declaim against me in their Pulpits The Whores will pox me The Priests will excommunicate me The blasphemous Marriner will throw me over-board The yawling Hunter will set his Dogs upon me The Souldier will plunder me The Ordure-tasting Physicians will throw their Vrinal at my Head The Chyrurgeons will anatomize me The Lawyers will accuse me of Treason The Judges will condemn me Thus though I omit for brevities sake many others dost thou not see Reader what dangers I am like to run through But I am in hopes to avoid their fury provided that thou patient to hear the Truth and laying all Prepossession and Obstinacy aside wilt but give thy mind candidly and without passion to read what I have writ I have moreover the Word of God to defend me which with an undaunted Courage I intend to make use of for my Buckler I would have thee moreover to know that I have not writ these things either out of Hatred Envy Ambition or vain Errour nor did Arrogance prompt me to it but of all Causes the most just and truest because I see that so many men pufft up with Humane Knowledge and Learning not only contemn and despise the Oracles of the Sacred Scripture but also prosecute and deride it with the same contempt Others we see though to themselves they seem to be more holy who endeavour to confirm and approve the Lawes of Christ yet attribute more Authority to the Maximes of Philosophers than to the holy Prophets of God the Evangelists or Apostles though there be so vast a difference between them Moreover we finde that a most detestable Custome has invaded all or most Schools of Learning to swear their Disciples never to contradict Aristotle Boethius Thomas Albertus or some such like School-Deity From whom if there be any that differ so much as a nails breadth him they proclaim a scandalous Heretick a Criminal against the Holy Sciences fit only to be consumed in Fire and Flames Therefore these and â—cious Giants these Enemies of Scripture are to be set upon their Bulwarks and Castles are to be stormed And it behoves us to shew how intolerable the blindness of Men is to wander from the truth misguided by so many Sciences and Arts and by so many Authors and Doctors thereof For how great a boldness is it what an arrogant presumption to prefer the Schools of Philosophers before the Church of Christ and to extol or equal the Opinions of Men to the Word of God Lastly how impious a piece of Tyranny it is to captivate the Wits of Students to prefixed Authors and to deprive their Disciples of the liberty of searching after and following the Truth All which things being so manifest that they cannot be denied I may be the more easily pardoned if I seem to have more freely and bitterly inveighed against some sorts of Sciences and their Professors Farewel The LIFE of Henry Cornelius Agrippa Knight AND Judge of the Prerogative Court HEnry Cornelius Agrippa descended from a Noble Family of Nettesheim in Belgia was by his Parents so educated that he became Doctor of the Laws and Physick Master of the Rolls and Judge of the Spiritual Court He was naturally inclined to study making it his Recreation from his Youth to learn Nor was his Labour spent in vain for by his Ingenuity he obtained wonderful Skill and Knowledge in the several various Arts and Sciences Notwithstanding which his Fancy guided him to attend or accompany the Army of the Princes with whom he so prudently behaved himself that he gained the affections of all that knew him and for his singular Valour was created Knight in the Field It was about the year 1530 that his Merits grew great and he became the Subject of every 〈◊〉 Wonder and Discourse some admiring his Learning others his Valour and all with a reverend adoration applauding him In his Studies he grew expert in Occult Philosophy and composed four Books thereof whose incomparable Worth is beyond the reach of an Encomium Not long after that he published this his Satyrical Invective or Cynical Declamation against the Vanity of Arts and Sciences informing and affirming with
bold The French-man through vehement desire of a wise man becomes a fool but the German having wasted all his Estate at length though late of a fool becomes a wise man the Spaniard for his Mistriss sake will attempt great things and the Italian for the enjoyment of his Lady contemns all thought of danger Moreover we see that great men intangled in the Shares of Love and Passion many times forsake great Actions and leave most noble Enterprizes behinde their backs as formerly Mithridates in Pontus at Capua Hannibal Caesar in Alexandria in Greece Demetrius Antonie in Egypt Hercules ceas'd from his labours for Iole's sake Achilles hides himself from the Battel for love of Briseis Circe stays Vlysses Claudius dies in Prison for love of a Virgin Caesar is detain'd by Cleopatra and the same woman was the ruine of Antonius We read in Scripture that for the Fornication of Seth with the Daughters of Cain that the whole Race of man was drowned in the Flood The Sichemites and the House of Amor was destroy'd in revenge of Fornication and the whole people of Israel for committing Fornication with strange women were many times overcome in Battel and carried into Captivity And for the single Adultery of one person David the King what a destruction and waste of people ensu'd For Fornication and ravishing of women the Thebans Phoceans and Circeans were assail'd and quite overthrown and for the same reason was the Peloponnesian War undertaken as I said before by Pericles and Troy for the same reason ten years besieg'd to the vast detriment of Greece and Asia For the same reasons and upon the same score Tarquinius Claudius Dionysius Hannibal Ptolomy Marck Antony Theodorick the Goth Rodoaldus the Lombard Childerick of France Advinceslaus of Bohemia and Manphred the Neapolitan suffered death and the ruine of their Countries Meerly for the vitiating of Julia Cana Daughter of the Governour of Tingitana by Rodorick the King the Moors having driven out the Goths possess'd all Spain Henry the second King of England for abusing the contracted Wife of his Son Daughter of Philip the French King had like to have been driven out of his Kingdom by his Son For being false to their Beds those enraged Wives Clytemnestra Olympia Laodicea Beronica Fregiogunda and Blanch both Queens of France Joane of Naples and many other women slew their Husbands And this was the reason that Medea Progne Ariadne Althea Heristilla changing their maternal Love into Hatred were every one the cause and plotters of their Sons deaths And now adays we finde that many women revenge the Adulteries of their Husbands upon their Children and of most milde and patient Mothers have become most cruel Medea's furious Althea's and impious Heristilla's CHAP. LXIV Of Pandarism or Procuring NOw because that by the advice assistance and perswasion of Pimps and Bawds both Whores and Whoremongers commit their mutual Follies Let us discourse a little concerning their Subtleties and Devices for as it is the Calling of a Whore onely to prostitute her own body so it is the business of a Pimp or Bawd to batter and overcome the Chastity of another Which is therefore a Trade to be in some respects preferr'd before the Trade of Self-prostitution by how much it is the more wicked and so much the more powerful as being guarded with the Artillery of many other Arts and Experience besides so much the more pernicious that while it makes use of other Arts and Sciences whatever there is of poyson in any Art or Science that this worshipful Vocation wholly sucks to it self out of which the weaves those Snares that not like Spiders Cobwebs take the Flies but let go the stronger Birds nor like the strong toils of Hunters catch the bigger Beasts of Chace and let go the less but such strong Nooses and Bands that no Maid no Virgin no Woman never so silly never so prudent never so constant never so obstinate never so bashful never so fearful never so confident but will at length lend a willing ear to a Bawd be insnar'd with her perswasions So fine a Craft is this that no woman can vanquish whose perswasions no Virgin Widow Wife or Matron though a Vestal can resist whose unarmed Militia vanquishes the Chastity of most women which a whole Army would not be able to conquer The crafty tricks cunning shifts deceit circumventions delusions frauds and strange inventions of the Art of Bawdery no Pen can suffice to set down nor Wit to express So that it is nothing strange that though there be so many Professors of this Trade of both Sexes yet there are few that arrive to a perfection therein For since the Baits of Pandarism lie couch'd in every Art or Science it behoves therefore a Bawd to be perfect in every one Therefore she that intends to be a perfect Bawd must not direct her studies to one particular sort of knowledge as to her Pole-star but to be universally learned as professing an Art to which all other Arts and Sciences are but the Slaves and Hand-maids For first and foremost Grammar the Art of Writing and Speaking affords ye ability to write Love-letters and how to compose and frame them of Complements Petitions Lamentations and Moans Invocations Protestations and alluring perswasions of all which ye have many late Presidents in Sylvius Jacobus Caviceus and many other Modern Authors There is also another use of Grammar for the manner of abstruse and secret writing in Characters an Invention of Archimedes the Syracusan as Aulus Gellius reports Concerning this Trithemius Abbot of Spanheime hath written two Treatises some few years since one under the Title of Polygraphy the other under the Title of Stenography in the latter of which he hath discover'd such mysterious ways and means of expressing the minde at what distance soever and concealing the meaning of words plainly legible that the most discerning jealousie of Juno nor the strict custody of Danae nor the watchful eyes of Argos can ever prevent Next to Grammar comes Madam Poesie who by the assistance of her lascivious Rhimes wanton Stories and Love-dialogues Epigrams and Epistles taken out of the Armories of Venus playing the part of a Pimp and Bawd together corrupts all Chastity destroys all the hope towardliness and good manners of Youth Well therefore do Poets deserve to have the Precedencie above other common Pandars and Bawds of which the chiefest among the Antients were these whom we have above named in the Chapter of Prostitution as Callimachus Philetes Anacreon Orpheus Pindarus Alceon Sappha Tibullus Catullus Propertius Virgil Ovid Juvenal and Martial and we have now adays too many that write after a most impudent and shameful manner Next to Poets Rhetoricians claim Precedencie the contrivers of fraudulent Flatteries and Perswasions for which cause Suadela or Persuasio was held to be the chief Goddess of Pandarism Historians also have not a little Interest in the World especially the Compilers of those Historical Romances of Lancelot
Tristram Eurialis Peregrinus Callisthus and the like by means whereof young Children are in their tender years bred up and accustom'd to the Intrigues and Mysteries of Fornication and Adultery Neither is there any Engine so powerful whatsoever to overthrow and oppress the Chastity of young Virgins Wives and Widows than the reading of a wanton History no woman so well principled or of so chast a disposition which is not spoil'd and tainted thereby And yet for Maids and Virgins to discourse what they have read in these Books to taunt and jeer and prattle with their Servants or Wooers in imitation of what they read there Now there have been many of these Historical Pandars of which some of obscure same as Aeneas Sylvius Dante 's and Petrarch Boccace Poutanus Baptista de Campo Fragoso and Baptis de Albertis a Floremine Also Peter Haedus Petrus Bembus Jacobus Carniceus Jacobus Calandrus Mantuan and many others from all which Boccace bears away the Bell especially in those Books which he calls his hundred Novels where the Stories and Examples set down do but discover the Stratagems and Tricks of Whores and Bawds Now when a woman Vertuous Religious and Chast is to be assail'd then all the fallacious Arguments of Rhetorick are let loose and how far they avail the Fable of Myrrha in Ovid tells ye Now as concerning the Mathematicks what greater assistance and help to familiarity than your Mathematical Plays and Games Neither is Musick a contemptible friend of this Art as being no small incentive and provocative to Lust by means of her wanton Airs and the Charms of Voice and sweet touches of an Instrument softning the Minde moulding the Affections and afterwards introducing variety of Society and Company who begin at length to be Lovers and Admirers Neither is there less use of Dancing and Dancing-schools where the Lovers have freedom of Discourse liberty of Kissing Handling and Embracing and many times after that the conveniencie of withdrawing Neither is the Geometrical Artist wanting to give his assistance by whose contrivance fine convenient Ladders are made for the scaling of Windows and by the cunning of Daedalus Keys are many times counterfeited and no invention omitted that may farther Pasiphae's obedience to her Adulterer But as for Pictures these women that never had the advantage of reading may understand more than they who had read never so much while they behold within their Chambers Copies of Obscenity easie enough to be imitated whereby the Eyes as well as the Ears become the Conduits to convey evil thoughts to the Heart Pictures make a deep impression upon the Minde seeing that the representation of what has been done easily moves men to do the like For example Venus of Gâ—idos drawn in her Temple by the hand of Praxitiles in the Act of being Vitiated and a Cupid of the same Artist corrupted by Alchidas a Rhodian young man Elian also reports that the Statue of Fortune was so vehemently belov'd by an Athenian young man that when he could not be permitted to buy it he expired at her feet Terence also in his Eunuchus brings in a young man inflam'd with Love seeing a Picture where was painted the Story how Jupiter lay with Danae in a Golden showre Therefore not undeservedly propose that a severe penalty should be inflicted upon those Painters who expos'd such things to the eyes of the multitude whereby to kindle and inflame Lust so that it was not without cause that the wise man said That Statuary and Painting were invented by the Devil as a chief means to tempt them to evil In the next place we meet with Astrologers Palmistry Gypsies Fortune-tellers Dream-expounders Witches Conjurers an innumerable tribe of Assistants to Pandarism by a kinde of Divine Imposition of their Fallacies upon the disturb'd Fancies of Youth bring unlawful Amours to perfection contrive and finish most wicked and abominable Marriages and er'e they be well knit together dissolve them by and by into most heinous Adulteries From such Panders as these not onely credulous women but to their unspeakable shame men also fetch the prosperous Omens of their Loves and Marriages grounding the hopes of Possession or Enjoyment upon their uncertain guesses and upon their not so stupid as impious assurances either Marry or leave the Pursuit of their Love Nay some are so mad as to believe that by Astrological Images and observation of Hours Love may be compell'd as Theocritus Virgil Catullus Ovid Horace Lucan and many other triflng Poets have made the world believe By which single piece of Cunning your Astrologers and Fortune-tellers make no small advantage Next to which Magick also brings a very considerable aid That by her Charms some Lovers trees from fears Afflicting others with consuming Cares Of which Lucan thus sings Love that before was slâ—w Thessalian Charms now cause to overflow Th' inflamed heart In Horace we finde Candidia in Apuleius Paemphilae provoking their Lovers and in the Tragi comedy of Callisthus Celestina the Bawd inflames the Virgin Melibaeâ— by her Magick Art To these we may adde the use of Philters and Love-potions though very dangerous sometimes the cause and procurers of Death instead of Love One of these Drenches kill'd Lucullus and Lucretius who before they did grew mad and lost their senses We read also of a certain woman who was acquitted by the Areopagites because she did it out of Love But there is no Art or Science so useful and profitable to Pandarism as Physick that promises fairly by renewing the Hymenâ—an Film to restore lost Virginity to hinder the Brests from swelling to put a Spell upon the Womb administring procurements of Sterility for the longer continuation and seâ—resie of Venereal Combats and teaching how by the swift motion of the Reins to eject the first matter of Conception as we read in Lucretius Thus for their own sakes Whores were wont to move Left they should fill too soon and gravid prove Not equal Pleasure with their Loves enjoy By which one benefit of Physick many Matrons and Widows many that go for Maids many Court-Laâ—â—es most securely follow the sports of Venus Neither is Physick less Officious in filling up the clefts of Age in composing Pomatums and Fucus's for which you may find infinite Receits in every Volume of Physick and in all their Pharmacopoeas under the Title of Decorating and cleansing the skin and are of great use for Bawds to put off their old Worm-eaten Ware which Compositions the Scripture calls Oyntments of Whoredome With these you shall also see set down many Incentives and Provocatives to Lust which are call'd by another Name Restoratives by the help of which Ovid boasts himself to have liv'd to the Ninetieth Year Moreover there is no design of Bawdery so closely and undiscernably carried as that which is Acted under the Design of Physick for there are no Houses so fast shut no Nunneries so Recluse no Prisons so well guarded which will not admit a Physitian-Pander in
Head we may easily conjecture at the monstrosity of the rest of the Members onely prompt and ready for the Execution of all manner of Vice Violence Rapine Murther Men-hunting and Lust. Would any person become Noble let him be a Huntsman this is the first step to Preferment or let him be a mercenary Souldier and let himself out to commit Murther This is the true Noble vertue whereby he that shews himself the bravest and stoutest Thief shall deserve the greatest Honour and Dignity He that is a Fool or a Coward let him buy Nobility with money for Nobility is often expos'd at the Market Or if he cannot do that let him flatter Great men and Princes Pimp for Noblemens Wives prostitute his own Wife and Daughter to the Kings pleasure marry the Kings Cast-Mistrisses or espouse his natural Daughters and this is the highest Degree of Nobility for then he becomes embodied to the Root These are the High-ways these are the Steps and Ladders by which men most compendiously climb up to the top of Honour Now they who would appear more magnificent and noble than others boast themselves to be of the Race of those which there is no body but would contemn that is to say Macedonians Trojans Vagabonds Fugitives and Exiles infamous for thousands of Crimes and Misdemeanors and yet forsooth we must magnifie extol this Nobility that had such nefarious beginnings Others deducing their Pedegrees from Whores and Concubines cover their shame with some Fable as we read in the Story of Melusina There are others that have had other most wicked Originals from Incest Rapes Fornications and Adulteries Thus Baldwin was made Earl of Flanders by Charles the Bald who had ravish'd his Daughter For the same reason were those Marquesses of Piedmont viz. Montferrate Saluces Sena and others advanc'd by Otho the Emperour For Kings and Emperours are wont when they cannot for shame punish an Injury to honour the Actors with some Title of Dignity Moreover there are â—our principal Gifts in Noblemen wherein consists their chief Vertue and Knowledge if not their onely Happiness Their first is Rapaciousness whereby they are taught and instructed to Desire Gain and Possess contrary to all Law and Equity The second is Pleasure which carries 'um headlong to all Voluptuousness and Luxury The third is Liberty whereby guarded with the powers of Violence they presume in contempt of the Law to act according to their pleasures The fourth is Ambition which swells 'um to seek advancement beyond their Merit and to stop at no wickedness or villany while they are in the pursute of vain Honour Lastly the compleatness of Nobility is discern'd in these things if he be a good Hunâ—sman if he be cunning in the wicked Arts of Gaming if he be able to shew his great strength in Drinking if the force and vigour of Nature become renown'd by his mighty Acts of Venery if he be addicted to Pride Luxury and Intemperance if he be an enemie of Vertue or grow forgetful that he was born and that he shall die More noble yet if these Impieties be but successive from Father to Son and be inculcated into their Youth by great Authorities If the Old man be fortunate in Play 'T is fit the Hâ—ir should thrive the self-same way These are the signal Vertues of Noblemen But there is another sort of Industry among the Nobility wherein they are most excellent above others to make themselves to be accompted all this while honest and good famous for Prudence Liberality Piety and Justice to which end they faign themselves courteous fair-spoken affable making a conspicuous shew of all Vertue They steep their Speeches in Oyl they banquet splendidly from house to house talk freely of State-affairs observe the opinions of other men from whence they gather what is good and ascribe to themselves the same of other mens wisdom and prudence By their covetousness they get an opinion of Liberality while what they take from one they give to another bountiful Thieves and what the Ancients write concerning Sylla by the injuries which they do to some they enrich others being themselves in the midst of all their Rapine The opinion of Justice and Piety they procure by undertaking the differences among poor people and maintain their causes against the rich sort but they no longer give assistance to the afflicted but while they can empty the Coffers of the wealthy For their intention is not to do good to the Poor but to injure the Rich which they can more easily do than do good And under this pretence of Justice and Piety sometimes they arrogate to themselves the greatest License in the world on purpose to use violence to Cities and great persons glorying in their sins like the ancient Giants and like evil Spirits seeking all occasions of mischief and then thinking that they do most good when they do no harm so behaving themselves to be a terrour to all to be belov'd by none combining with the wicked and flagitious oppressing and ruining all persons that put their confidence in ' um Of whom Aristophanes thus writes saying That it is not convenient for a City to breed and nourish Lions within it but if they be of a milde temper then we ought to be obedient to ' um The Switzers formerly oppressed by the tyranny of these Noblemen slew them all and extirpated their Race by that memorable slaughter of their Nobles obtaining a lasting name with the recovery of their liberty wherein they have happily flourish'd for above four hundred years the hatred of that sort of Nobility yet remaining among ' um CHAP. LXXXI Of Heraldry NObility was the Foundation of that noble Art of Heraldry and Philosophy has been very much employ'd in designing and ordering the Arms of Noblemen for whom it is unlawful to bear in their Coats an Ox a Calf a Sheep a Lamb a Capon a Hen or any of those Creatures which are necessary for the use of Mankind but they must all carry for the Ensignes of their Nobility the resemblances of cruel Monsters and Birds of Prey Thus the Romans chose to carry an Eagle the most rapacious of all Birds the Phrygians a Boar a most pernicious Animal the Thracians Mars the Goths a Bear and the Vandals invading Spain carried a Cat a creature most greedy and treacherous withal the ancient Franks a Lion the Saxons the same Afterwards the Franks remaining in Gallia chose the Owl the Saxons a Horse a most warlike creature The Cymbrians had for their Ensigne a Bull the Emblem of strength and good fortune Antiochus had for his Imprese an Eagle holding a Dragon in her pounces Pompey bare in his Shield a Lion Attila a crowned Basilisk The Romans whose Capitol was preserv'd from the Gauls by the Geese that were fed therein yet could not be perswaded to carry a Goose for their Shield There are that admit Cocks and Goats into their Shields because those creatures are known to be proud and lustful
Composition of Trifles and inventions of mad brains However they finde out men so covetous of so much happiness whom they easily perswade that they shall finde greater Riches in Hydargyrie than Nature affords in Gold Such whom although they have twice or thrice already been deluded yet they have still a new Device wherewith to deceive um again there being no greater Madness than to believe the fixed Volatile or that the fixed Volatile can be made So that the smells of Coles Sulphur Dung Poyson and Piss are to them a greater pleasure than the taste of Honey till their Farms Goods and Patrimonies being wasted and converted into Ashes and Smoak when they expect the rewards of their Labours births of Gold Youth and Immortality after all their Time and Expences at length old ragged famisht with the continual use of Quicksilver paralytick onely rich in misery and so miserable that they will sell their souls for three farthings so that the Metamorphosis which they would have made in the Metals they experiment upon themselves for in stead of Alchymists Cacochymists in stead of being Doctors Beggers in stead of Unguentaries Victuallers a laughing-stock to the people and they who in their youth hated to live meanly at length grown old in Chymical Impostures are compell'd to live in the lowest degree of poverty and in so much calamity that receiving nothing but Contempt and Laughter in stead of Commendation and Pity at length compell'd thereto by Penury they fall to Ill Courses as Counterfeiting of Money And therefore this Art was not onely expell'd out of the Romane Commonwealth but also also prohibited by the Decreed of the sacred Canons of the Church And if now there were a Law to forbid any of them to practise this Art without the special favour and license of the Prince upon the forfeiture of their goods and proscription of their persons we should have less false Money made wherewith many are now deceived to the great damage of the Commonwealth For which reason it is thought that Amasis King of Aegypt made a Law whereby every Magistrate was compell'd to give an account what Art or Science he most favour'd which he that did not underwent a very severe punishment Many things could I say of this Art of which I am no great enemy were I not sworn to silence a custom impos'd upon persons newly initiated therein which has been so solemnly and religiously observed by the ancient Writers and Philosophers that there is no Philosopher of approved authority or Writer of known fidelity who hath in any place made mention thereof which hath caus'd many to believe that all the Books treating of this Art were made of late days to which the names of the Authors Giber Morienus Gigildis and the rest of the whole Croud give no small confirmation the obscure words which they use and the unaptness of their language and their ill Method of Philosophizing Some have thought the Golden Fleece to be a certain Chymical Book written after the ancient manner in Parchment wherein was contained the way of making Gold Of which sort when Diocletian had got together a great many among the Aegyptians who were said to be very skilful in this Art he is said to have burnt them all left the Aegyptians confiding in their Riches and easie means of obtaining Treasure should at one time or other revolt from the Romans And therefore was this Art by a publike Edict of the same Emperour rendered infamous It would be too long to relate all the foolish Mysteries of this Art and empty Riddles of the Green Lion the Fugitive Hart the Volant Eagle the Dancing Fool the Dragon devouring his Tayl the Swell'd Toad the Crows Head of that which is Blacker than Black of Mercury's Seal of the Dirt of Foolishess of wisdom I ought to have said and a thousand other Trifles Lastly of that one thing besides which there is nothing else though as common as may be the blessed subject of the most holy Philosophers Storie not to be spoken of without incurring Perjury yet I will say somewhat of it obscurely and in such manner as none but the sons of Art shall understand me It is a thing which hath a substance neither too firy nor altogether earthy nor is it a watry nor sharp nor obtuse quality but indifferent light and soft or at least not hard not rough but sweet in taste sweet in smell grateful to the sight pleasant to the ear and delightful to think on More I must not say nor greater things can I. For I think this Art by reason of my familiarity with it worthy the same Honour as Thucydides gives to a good Woman when he says That she is the best woman of whom there is least discourse I will onely adde this That Chymists are of all men the most perverse for when God says In the sweat of thy brows thou shalt eat thy bread and the Prophet in another place Because thou eatest the labours of thy hands therefore art thou blessed and it shall be well with thee they contemning the divine Command and promise of happiness endeavour to raise Golden mountains by Womens labour and Childrens play I deny not but from this Art many excellent Inventions have deriv'd themselves hence Cinaber Minimum Purple that which they call Musical gold and the temperatures of other Colours had their beginning To this Art Aurichalcum the changing of Metals Soders and Tryals owe their first finding out Guns are the terrible Invention of this Art Hence sprung the Art of making all sorts of Glasses a most noble Invention of which Theophilus hath writ a most excellent Treatise But Pliny relates that the temperament of Glass was found out in the time of Tiberius but the Work-house was by Tiberius pull'd down and the Artificer if we may believe Isodorius was put to death left the Glass should detract from Gold and Silver and Brass lose their value CHAP. XCI Of the Law in general WE come now to the knowledge of the Law that onely pretends to judge and discern between True and False Equity and Iniquity Right and Wrong The chief Heads now-a-days are the Pope and the Emperour who boast that they have all Laws written in the Cabinets of their Brests whose Will is Reason and who by their own Arbitrary opinions rule and govern all Sciences Arts Writings Opinions and whatever other Works of men For which cause Pope Leo commanded that no person should dare to dispute or justifie any thing in the Church but by the Authority of the holy Councils the Canons and Decretals of which the Pope is the Head Neither is it lawful for us to make use of the Interpretations of any the most holy and learned Divines but onely so far as the Pope permits and authorizes by his Canons And the Canon further commands that no Book or Volume whatsoever shall be received by any Divine but what is first approved of by the Canons of the Pope The
Corporeal elements and temper of the air we breathe in Strato from the surplusage and crudity of Nourishment and the consequent corruption thereof Nor do they less differ about the alteration of the Aliment For Hippocrates Galen and Avicen affirm the meat to be concocted in the Stomach by the heat thereof Erasistratus believes Concoction to be perfected lower in the Belly Plistonicus and Paraxagoras affirm not onely a Concoction but Putrefaction Avieen also and his Exposiâ—ors Gentiles and Jacobus de Ferlino not without a manifest error affirm that Ordure is made in the Stomach But Asclepiades and his followers believe that the meat is not concocted but distributed raw into all parts of the body and affirm the Opinions of all the former to be vain and ridiculous I omit their Judgements of Urine not yet perfectly known by any of um and the beatings of the Pulses as little apprehended by um Hippocrates whom they look upon as a God has not onely differ'd from many in opinion but erroneously mistaken for in his Book of the nature of Infants he saith The Bird is generated of the yellow of the egge but is nourished by the white of the egge which Aristotle proves to be manifestly untrue in his Book of Animals and in his Book of the Generation of Animals writing against Alcmaeon who was of the same opinion with Hippocrates he concludes the original of the Chicken is in the White nourishment is suckt in thorow the Navel out of the Yolk to which Pliny adheres saying The creature is generated out of the White his nourishment is out of the Yolk And is not that Aphorism of Hippocrates false No woman hath the Gout till her Terms forsake her it being evident that many Menstruous women have the Gout CHAP. LXXXIII Of Practical Physick THe whole Operative art of Healing is built upon no other Foundation than fallacious Experiments and the slender Credulity of the diseased doing more harm than good there being generally more danger in the Physician and Physick than in the disease which the chief Doctors of this Art ingenuously confess that is to say Hippocrates himself who does not deny this Art to be both difficult and fallacious together with Avicen who saith that the Patients confidence in the Physician oft-times prevaileth more than the Physiâ—k it self Galen also affirms that it is very difficult to finde a Medicament that does very much good but easie to finde many that do no good at all There is another who tells us that the knowledge of Medicines is delightful as of all other things that consist of Rule and Art but that the effects of Medicinal operation are meerly fortuitous Let the fortunate diseased therefore go and put their trust in dangerous Experiments and habnab-Remedies But so general is the sweetness of hoping well for a mans self as Pliny saith that he believes every Physician that offers himself though there be no delusion more dangerous Hence it is that generally men seek for help from Death he being the best Physician esteemed whom the Apothecary that shares with him recommonds or deceives the person whose servants are at the Physicians devotion who like Pandars for reward commend him with praises to the sick He is also accounted a most excellent Physician whom a Velvet Coat or two or three good Rings upon his fingers shall make to be admir'd or else his being a Forraigner or a great Traveller or else his being of such or such a Religion Of no less efficacie to give um credit fame and authority is a solid Confidence and a constant bragging of his Receipts adde to these a spirit of Contradiction many Greek and Latine sentences and the names of Authors which make him seem learned Thus arm'd with a Leaden Gravity but a Military confidence he undertakes the Trade of a Physician and first he visits the sick looks upon his Urine feels his Pulse considers his Tongue feels his Sides examines the Excrement enquires into his customary Diet and if there be any thing more privately kept he desires to finde it out as if he would weigh the Humours of the Patient in a pair of Scales Then with great boasting he prescribes Medicaments R â„ž Catapâ—tia let bloud give Clysters use Pessaries Oynments Plaisters Lozenges Masticatories Gargarisms Fumes Quilts use Preserves Waters Treacles If the disease be light and the Patient dainty then will the Physician invent fine pleasing Gugaws fit for women and effeminate persons Provoking Sleep sometimes with hanging beds sometimes extenuating the disease with Baths Frictions Cupping-glasses sometimes reâ—reshing the sick with delicate diet and change of air And to obtain greater fame and authority observing times and seasons and seldome administring Physick but according to the directions of some Mechanical Ephemeris He also claims a great authority over the Apothecary many times ordering him to make his Medicines before him pretending himself to be at the choice of the best ingredients when for the most part he knowsâ— not good from bad nay hardly knows the things themselves when he sees them But if the Patient be rich and a great person besides then for his greater fame and profit he prolongs the distemper as much as may be although perhaps he might have cur'd it with one single Medicine sometimes exasperating the disease he brings the Patient to deaths door before he will cure it that he may be said to have deliver'd the Patient from a most dangerous fit of sickness If he meet with a Patient whose distemper is dangerous and that he findes the effect of the Cure to be doubtful then he uses these Stratagems severely he prescribes Rules of Diet he commands unusual things prohibits things common he extols with great arguments what he offers himself what others bring he utterly condemns on the one side threatning ruine on the other hand promising life If he doubt of the event he perswades the Patient to call a Council of Doctors desires an assistant to proceed more warily in the Cure for fear lest any one coming alone should perform a Cure and take from him the glory of the business If any thing fall out amiss with the Patient or that he has kill'd him by his most signal want of skill then he excuses himself by pretending some sudden deflux of Rheum or some other chance neither to be helped nor avoided or else he accuses the Patient for not observing his directions or else blaming those that tended for want of care or else he blames his associates or else throws all the blame upon the Apothecary thereby endeavouring to prove that no diseased person ever died but through his own fault nor that ever any was cur'd but by the help and art of the Physitian But that Physicians are Knaves for the most part we shall prove by Witnesses For their own Reconciler Peter Apponius writes That the Art of Physick is ascrib'd to Mars which is the most odious of all the Planets as being the author of Ingratitude
Quarrelling and all wickedness Therefore are Physicians the cause of many mischiefs both by reason of the influence of Mars and Scorpio as also because they had their original from a lowe and barren beginning growing proud and haughty as they grow rich This perhaps he learnt from the example of Aesculapius whom Antiquity fables to have been the Inventor of Physick the son of Jupiter and sent to the Earth through the way of the Sun Celsus confesses him to be a man but received into the number of the Gods Others assert that he was the Incestuous off-spring of Coronidis a handsom Harlot with whom the Priests of Apollo lay in the Temple who therefore gave out that he was the son of the God But all agree in this that this God was so wicked that Jove was forc'd to curb and chastise him with his Thunder Concerning which Lactantius thus writes to Constantine the Emperour Aesculapius the son of Apollo a vicious person what other thing did he do worthy divine honours saving that he cur'd Hippolytus His death was more remarkable in that he merited to be struck with thunder To say the truth Physicians are the most wicked quarrelsome envious lying persons in the world for so they quarrel one among another that there is not a Physician to be found who shall approve one Remedy prescrib'd by another without exception addition or alteration whence it is become a Proverb The envie and discord of Physicians For what one approves the other laughs at There is nothing certain among them but all their promises are meer trifles and airy lyes Hence the common people when they would set out a noted lyer they cry Thou ly'st like a Physician For it is their chief study to follow their own new inventions and neglect the wholesome precepts of Antiquity and those few things which they do know they conceal as if it did not consist with the Authority of their Art to divulge their knowledge and out of envie to others deprive our lives of the Remedies which other mens Labours have found out They are moreover superstitious arrogant unconscionable proud covetous having this Sentence always in their mouthes While there is pain take And if the pain cease in one part they take care that it increase in another for fear the Cure should be too soon perfected As we read of Peter Apponiâ—s who professing Physick in Bolonia was so covetous and arrogant that being sent for one time to a Patient out of town he would not attend under less than fifty Crowns a day and being sent for by Honorius the Pope he covenanted for Four hundred Crowns a day Besides we finde it related by Pindarus that Aesculapius the parent of Physick was struck by Jupiter with Thunder for his Covetousness for that he had practised Physick with Extorsion and to the hurt of the Commonwealth But if a sick man happen to recover out of their hands there is such an Applause that the tongue of man can scarce suffice to express the wonder of the miracle as if Lazarus had been rais'd out of the grave claiming the life of the Patient to be their gift and that they have brought him back ascribing to themselves what belongs to God and believe that no reward can suffice to recompence their desert Some of um are so swell'd up with pride that they suffer themselves to be worshipt as Gods and be called Joves and Jupiters such as Menecrates the Physician of Syracuse who is said to have written in these words to Agesilous King of Sparta Jupiter Menecrates to Agesilous greeting But Agesilaus lauging at his folly thus answer'd him Agesilaus to Menecrates health But if any one unfortunately happen to die in their hands then they blame weakness of Nature the strength and fury of his disease the unruliness of the Patient that they are Physicians not Gods that they can cure those that are to be cur'd that it is not their business to raise the dead that they have nothing to serve the diseased with in discharge of their duty but their Experience and with such vanities as these they maintain their pride Others that die they accuse of intemperance and when they have kill'd a man yet they demand satisfaction for their Bills from those that might have been alive without um depriving their Patients both of money and life at once and yet preserving a safe Conscience to themselves knowing their faults as Socrates says to be covered in the earth as also for that there is no returning from hell or the grave to accuse them of their unskilfulness exaction and homicides There are some nasty stinking Physicians bedaub'd with cast Urine and Ordure more sordid than Midwives using themselves to behold obscene and beastly sights with their noses and ears to hear and smell the Belches Farts Stinking breaths Steams and Stenches of the sick with their lips and tongues to taste the black and loathsome Potions with their fingers to search the Dung and Excrements Lastly all their studies and discourse is onely about the most sad horrid and ghastly spectacles of Death and Diseases Exquisite Judges of the Ordure of men which Hippocrates is reported usually to have tasted that he might thereby the better judge of the Disease which Aesculapius also is said to have done who is therefore by Aristophanes call'd Scatophagus or Excrement-eater a Name generally given to Physicians Hence Scatomancy Ouromancy and Dryniomancy are said to be the Divinations or Prognostications of Physicians taken from Ordure and Urine Wherefore among many Nations those Mechanick Doctors were formerly had in contempt so that as Seneca witnesses it was accounted a great piece of Infamy to exercise the Calling of a Physician and at this day there are several people that forbid Physicians Midwives and Executioners from coming to their Tables or else cause um to eat and drink in Dishes and Cups by themselves much more abhorring that detestable custom of many Princes who admit those Pestilential persons to their Chambers in a morning and admit them infected with the Visits and Vapours of Pestilential people to their Meals and at meat suffer their impertinent talk of Ordure Urine Sweat Vomits and Menstruous Courses Leprosies Ulcers Scabs and Plagues and to be spew a noble Feast furnished with choice dishes with their impure and obscene discourse Than to admit a Physician to civil Consultations there is nothing more idle or fuller of folly seeing that the Art of Physick neither treats of Vertue or Good-manners and for that a Physician naturally a good man ought to bâ— a person of ill Customs And we know that in many Cities by publike Decrees Physicians are neither admitted to their Counsels nor suffered to bear any Office of Magistracie perhaps not so much that they are foolish vain or ill tutor'd as for their Sordidness and their spreading Contagion with the continual Visits of all sorts of Diseases not onely infecting Men but the very Seats and Stones as Lucillus has very