The good man hereof being not a little proud bids them make a good fire in his wives chamber charging them to tend her well And having given this direction he gets himself to supper with some cold meat set before him such as the Gossips left or his Nurse could spare and having this short pittance he goes to hed full of care The next morning he gets him up betimes and comes very kindly to know how his wife doth who presently pops him in the mouth with a smooth lye saying that all night she could take no rest till it grew towards the morning and then she began to feel a little more ease when God knows she never slept more soundly in all her life Well wife said the good man you must remember that this night is our gossips supper and they will come hither with many other of our friends therefore we must provide some good thing for them especially because it is your upsitting and a fortnight at least since you were brought to bed but good wife let us go as near to the World as we may seeing that our great charge doth every day increase and mony was never so ill to come by She hearing him say so begins to pout saying would for my part I had died in travel and my poor infant been strangled in the birth so should you not be troubled with us at all nor have cause to repine so much at our spending I am sure there is never a woman in the world that in my case hath worse keeping or is less chargeable yet let me pinch and spare and do what I can all is thought too much that I have Trust me I care not a straw whether you provide me any thing or no although the sorrow be mine the shame will be yours as yesterday for example I am sure here came in above a dozen of our neighbours and friends of meer kindness to see me and know how I did who by their countenance and comming did you greater credit then you deserve But God knows what entertainment they had having nothing in the house to set before them which made me so much ashamed that I knew not what to say I tell you what before God I may boldly speak it for I have seen it that when any one of them lies in their very servants have better fare then I my self have had at your hands which they seeing betwixt themselves yesterday when they where here did most cunningly flout both you and me for their entertainment I have not as you know lien in above fifteen days can yet scant stand on my legs and you think the time too long till I be moyling about the house to catch my bane as I fear I have done already Believe me wife quoth he you mistake me greatly for no man in the world can be more kind to his wife then I have done already Kind to me quoth she by the masse that you have with a murren no doubt but I have had a sweet messe of cherishing at your hands but I see your drift well enough you gape every day for my death and I would to God it were so for me the month end is half expired and I fear the rest will come before we be ready for it my sister S. was here no longer ago then to day and askt if I had ever a new Goun to be Churched in but God wot I am far enough from it neither do I desire it though it be a thing which ought both by reason custome to be observed And because it is your pleasure I will rise to morrow what chance so euer befall for the worst is I can but lose my life full well may I gather by this how you will use me hereafter and what recount you would make of me if I had nine or ten Children but God forbid it should ever come to pass I desire rather to be rid of my life and to shun the shame of the world than long to live with such an unkind churl Now verily wife saith the good man I must needs blame your impatience for growing so cholerick without cause Without cause quoth she do you think I have no just cause to complain I will assure you there is never a woman of my degree that would put up the intolerable injuries that I have done daily do by means of your hoggish conditions Well wife saith the good man Fox â—at â—apes ly as long as you list and rise when you will but I pray you tel me how this new Gown may be had which you so earnestly ask for By my faith quoth she you say not well for I ask nothing at your hands neither would I have it though I might I thank God I have gowns enough already sufficient to serve my turn you know I take no delight in garish attire for I am past a girle but it makes me smile to see what a shew of kindness you would fain make Fie on thee dissembler you can cog and flatter as well as any man in this Town and full little think they that see you abroad what a Devil you are at home for what with your crooked qualities with toyling moyling carking and caring and being beside broken with Child bearing my countenance is quite changed so that I look already as withered 〈…〉 as the bark of an Elder bough There is my cousin T. T. who when I was a little girle was at a womans estate and in the end married master H. with whom she leads a Ladies life looking so young and lusty that I may seem to be her mother I I such is the difference betwixt a kind and an uncourteous husband and who knows not but he was a suter to me made many a jourdey to my fathers house for my sake and would so fain have had me that while I was to marry he would not match himself with any but so much was I bewitch'd that after I had once seen you I would not have changed for the best Lord in the Land and this I have in recompence of my love and loyalty Go to wife saith he I pray you leave these lavish speeches and let us all call to mind where we may best take up cloth for your gown for you see such is our weak estate that if we should rashly lay out that little money which is in the house we might possibly be unprovided for all other necessaries therefore whatsoever should chance hereafter it is best to keep something against a rainy day And again you know within these eight or nine days I have five pound to pay to master P. which must be done there is no shift otherwise I am like to sustain treble dammage Tush quoth she what talke you to me of these matters alas I ask you nothing I would to God I were once rid of this trouble I pray you let me take some rest for my head akes God help me
The Batchellors Banquet OR A Banquet for Batchellors Wherein is prepared sundry dainty dishes to furnish their tables curiously drest and seriously served in Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of Women their quickness of wits and unsearchable deceits View them well but taste not Regard them well but waste not LONDON Printed for Edward Thomas at the Adam and Eve in Little-Brittain 1677. You Batchellors that with us mean to feast Come all and welcome to our homely fare If at our Banquet you will be a Guest Here at our furnisht Table take a share Our Ordinary is but six pence price Variety of dishes be not nice We must confess our board it is not spread As is the married mans with Carp and Lout We do not use to feed upon Cods-head Crabs Ill-pies Gudgeon nor the dogged Pout For flesh we taste no Souse no Lomb no Quail No Woodcock Wigeon Bittern Goose nor Rail For our last service we feed not on Chuse Small-reasons Bitter-almonds nor choak-pears We eat the best and do the worst refuse Have good content and sing away sad cares Good diet English beer and Spanish sherry Come Batchellors then let us all be merry The Batchellors Banquet Or a Banquet for Batchellors wherin is prepared sundry dishes to furnish their Table Curiously drest and seriously served in CHAP. I. The humour of a young wife new married IT is the natural inclination of a young Gallant in the pleasant prime and flower of his flourishing youth being fresh lusty and jocond to take no other care but to imploy his money to buy gay presents for pretty lasses to frame his green wits in penning love Ditties his voice to sing them sweetly his wandring eyes to gaze on the fairest dames and his wanton thoughts to plot means for the speedy accomplishment of his wished desires according to the compass of his estate And albeit his parents or some other of his kinred do perhaps furnish him with necessary maintenance so that he wants nothing but lives in all ease delight yet cannot this content him or satisfie his unexperienced mind for although he daily see many married men first lapt in lobs pound wanting former liberty and compassed round in a a cage of many cares yet notwithstanding over-ruled by self-will and blind by folly he supposes them therein to have the fulnesse of their delight because they have so near them the Image of content Venus star gloriously blazing upon them I mean a dainty fair wife bravely attired whose apparel perhaps is not yet paid for howsoever to draw their husband into a fools paradise they make them believe that their father or mother have of their cost bounty afforded it This lusty youth as I earst said seeing them already in this maze of bitter sweetness he goes round about turmoyling himself in seeking an entrance and taking such pains to find his own pain that in the end in he gets when for the hast he makes to have a taste of these supposed delicates he hath no leisure to think or no care to provide those things that are hereunto requisite The jolly Yonker being thus gotten in doth for a time swim in delight and hath no desire at all to winde himself out again till time and use which makes all things more familiar and less pleasing do qualifie this humour then glutted with satiety or pinched with penury he may perhaps begin to see his folly repent as well his fundness as his too much forwardnesse but all too late he must have patience perforce his wife must be maintained according to her degree and withall commonly it haps she carries the right stomach of a Woman slender maintenence will not serve for as their minds mount above their estates so commonly they will have their abiliments And if at a feast or some other gossips meeting whereunto she is invited she see any of the company gaily attired for cost or fashion or both or chiefly the latter for generally women do affect novelties she forthwith moves a question in her self why she also should not be in the like sort attired to have her garments cut after the new fashion as well as the rest and answers it with resolution that she will and must have the like A wating onely fit time and place for the moving and winning of her husband thereunto of both which she will make such choice that when she speaks she will be sure to speed observing her opportunity when she might take her husband at the most advantage which is commonly the garden of love the state of marriage delights and the life wherein the weaker sex hath ever the better when therefore this lusty Gallant would fulfill his desire for which cause he chiefly ran wilfully into the peril of lobs pound then squeamishly she begins thus saying I pray you husband let me alone trouble me not for I am not well at ease which he hearing presently makes this reply Why my sweet heart what ailes you are you not well I pray thee wife tell me where lies thy grief or what is the cause of your discontent whereupon the vile woman fetching a deep sigh makes this answer O Husband God help me I have cause enough to grieve and if you knew all you would say so but alas it is in vain to tell you any thing seeing that whatsoever I say you make but little reckoning of it and therefore it is best for me to bury my sorrows in silence being out of hope to have any help at your hands Iesus wife saith he why use you these words is my unkindness such that I may not know your grief tell me I say what is the matter In truth husband it were to no purpose for I know your custome well enough as for my words they are but waste winde in your ears for how great soever my grief is I am assured you will but make light of it and think that I speak it for some other purpose Go to Wife saith her husband tell it me for I will know it Well husband if you will needs you shall You know on Thursday last I was sent for and you willed me to go to Mistress M. Churching and when I came thither I found great cheer and no small company of wives but the meanest of them all was not so ill attired as I and surely I was never so ashamed of my self in my life Yet I speak it not to praise my self but it is well known and I dare boldly say that the best women there came of no better stock than I. But alas I speak not this for my self for God wot I pass not how meanly I am apparelled but I speak it for your credit and my friends Why Wife saith he of what calling and degree were those you speak of Truely good Husband saith she the meanest that was there being but of my degree was in her loose Gown with hanging sleeves her French Roses her Silk Grograine Kirtle her Bever Hat
and so husbands in this taking are so mad that they never lin seeking them and would give half they are worth to find her again who having thus plaid the pageant and seeing her husbands humour compacts with her mother whose good will she will be sure to get by one means or other whereas at the first she will perhaps think hardly of her departure from her husband she doth I say so handle the matter with her that she will make the good man believe her daughter hath been all this while at home with her and that she came to shun his bad usage who had she tarried with him till then had been lamed for ever Before God quoth she I had rather you should restore her again to me than beat her thus without cause for I know that you suspect her wrongfully and that she hath never offended you I wis I haue straitly examined her about it but if she would have been naught you did enough to provoke her By Gods passion I think few women could have born it Well it may be that upon these or the like tearms he takes her again it may be also that they are both desirous to be divorced each accusing other and seeking to winde themselves again out of Lobs pound but in vain For either the causes that they alledge are not thought sufficient by the Iudge how hard soever they plead but must of force continue still together are laughed to scorn of all that hear the cause for if they be separated yet will not all this set them free but rather plunge them in deeper than before but neither of them can marry whiles the other lives and their chastity so brittle especially hers that hold it cannot nor long endure She who was wont to be so frolick must needs continue so still Nay peradventure being now without controlment follows her evil and lewd life more freely than before and whereas she was but earst a private Queene she is now common in the way of Good fellowship or else some lusty Gallant takes her into his house and shelters her by his nose which must needs be unto him an exceeding inward grief and an open disgrace and shame in the eyes of the world and which is worse he knows not how in the world to remedy it but must perforce indure both while this miserable life doth last CHAP. XI The humour of a woman to get her Daughter a Husband having made a little wanton escape THe next humour that a woman is addicted unto is when a lusty young Gallant riding at pleasure up and down the Countrey but especially to those places of sports and pleasure where the finest Dames and dainty Girles meet who can finely mince their Measures having their tongues trained up to all kind of amorous chat in which delightfull exercises this Youngster both by reason of his youth his loose bringing up and natural inclination takes a great felicity in such vain company and so much the rather because he findes himself always welcomed and kindly entertained to such places and the reason is the comelinesse of his person his amiable countenance and queint behaviour for whosoever hath these good helps shall want no favour at Womens hands It may be also that his parents are still living and he their onely joy they having herhaps no Child but him so that all their most delight is in maintaining him bravely It may be also that he is newly come to his Lands and loves to see fashions though it cost his purse never so largely If any Gentlewoman offer any kindnesse he is ready to require it and at length through long passing to many places he lights on one that doth exceedingly please his eye and inflame his heart she is perhaps Daughter to some Gentleman some Citizen or some worthy Farmer Shee hath a clear complexion a fine proportion a wanton eye a dainty tongue and a sharp wit by reason of all which good gifts she is grown very famous She hath been wooed sued and courted by the bravest Gallants in the Countrey of whom perhaps some one being more forward and couragious than the rest hath offered her such kindnesse as sticks by the ribs a good while after and would needs inforce this courtesie with such importunity that she had not the power to resist it for a woman that hath her fine wits if she be withall of a cheerfull sanguine complexion cannot be so unkind or so hard-hearted as to deny or repulse the petition of an amorous Friend if he do any thing earnestly prosecute the same And to be plain be she of what complexion soever she will be nothing slack to grant such a suit But to return to our purpose by reason of her tender compassion and kinde acceptance of his proffered service it so falls out she hath plaid false then is there no other shift but to keep it both secret and close and to take such order as they best can for smoothing up of the matter he that hath done the deed being a poor young man though proper of body and perhaps can dance very well by which good quality he won her favour and within a while after cropt the flower of her maidenhead he I say after a week or two and no further matter lest this privy scape should be openly known is warned from coming any more to the house or frequenting her company whatsoever But now you must note that she being but a simple girle between fourteen and fifteen years of age nothing expert but rather a novice in such matters and having been but lately deceived knows not her self how it is with her But her Mother which by long experience hath gotten great judgement doth by her colour her complaining of pain at her heart and stomach with other like tokens perceive it well enough and having as before I said cashiered the Author of the action then takes she her daughter aside and schools her so that in the end she confesseth that he hath been dallying with her but she knows not whether to any purpose or not Yes saith her Mother it is to such purpose as by these signes I know very well that you have thereby both shamed your self and all our friends and spoiled your marriage quite and clean To be short having somewhat chid her after the common order for having no more respect nor care of her honesty yet not chiding very extreamly because she knows the frailty of youth by her own former experience she concludes thus comfortably Sith it is done and cannot be altogether remedied she will seek both to hide and salve the matter as well as she can charging her Daughter ta set a good countenance on it lest it should bee suspected and to follow her counsell and commandement in all things Whereupon the poor Wench willingly consenteth then the Mother proceeds thus You know Master T. A. that cometh hither so often he is you see a proper Gentleman and a rich Heir to
lewd a part But her Mother sifting the matter narrowly her Daughter confesseth her fault but to make it seem the less she tells her a large tale of the Young Mans importunity who for so long time together did continually trouble her and whither so ever she went he would be sure to follow her begging pitifully her love and favour that she had often sharply answered him and flatly denied his Suit yet could she not for all that be rid of him so that in the end she was inforced for her own quietnesse to grant his request She repeats withall how kindly and intirely he loves her how much he hath bestowed on her how many foul journeys he hath had for her sake in Rain and Snow as well by Night as Day in danger of Thieves in peril of his Life and how narrowly he escaped her Husband the last time so that for very pitty and compassion she was moved to favour him And no Woman could be so hard hearted as to suffer so true and kind a Young Man to languish for her love and dye unregarded for on my life Mother saith she if I had not yielded he would have died for thought The Mother hearing her Daughter to say thus accepts her answer for current and thinks that she hath sufficiently justified her self but to prevent further scandall and to appease her angry son in law and reconciled her Daughter unto him by casting a mist before his eyes she takes this course she sends for her special Gossips and Companions whose counsels in like cases she doth use They comming at the first call and being all assembled either before a good fire if it be Winter or in a green Arbour if it be Summer one of them noting her daughters heavy countenance demands the cause thereof Marry saith she she hath had a mischance about which I have made bold to trouble you and crave your advice With that she recounts all the whole matter unto them but shewing the true cause of her Husbands anger To bee short she hath ready two or three pottles of Wine and a few junkets which they presently fall aboard on that they may the berter give their several verdicts afterwards mean while they comfort the Young Woman bidding her assure her self that her Husband is more perplexed than she and that I know by mine own experience for my Husband and I were once at variance but he could never be quiet till we were made friends In good faith Gossip saith another and so served I mine Another 〈◊〉 makes a motion to send for the Young Gallant that is so true a 〈◊〉 to her Gossips Daughter that his presence may cheer her and 〈◊〉 away her Melancholy This Motion doth her Mother faintly contradict but in the end most voyces prevail he is sent for and comes with a trice then there is much good that many a rerpoach and kind scoff given the poor Husband And to mend the matter comes in the Chamber-maid who was privy to all the former close packing between her Mistress and her Sweet heart and for her silence and imployment in furthering both their contents she hath gotten a good new gown and somewhat else It may be her Master hath sent her abroad about some business or perhaps she coyns an excuse of her self thereby onely to make a step abroad to see her Mistress and to bring her some newes how all things go at home She hath no sooner set her foot within the room where they are then one of them ask how her Master doth My Master saith she I never saw a man in that taking I dare say that since yesterday morning when this mis-fortune happened he hath not eaten one crumme drunk one drop or slept one wink all yesternight To day he sat down to dinner and put one bit in his mouth but could not swallow it for he spit it out presently sate a good while after in a dump In the end striking his knife on the table he rose hastily and went into the Garden and immediately came in again To be share be is alltogether out of temper and can rest no where He doth nothing but sigh and sob and he looks like a dead man hereat they laugh apace and to be short they determine that two of the chief of them shall go and speak with him the next morning and that when they are in the middest of their talk the rest shall come in afterward The Mother with her two Gossips according to this plot do proceed in the matter And next morning finding him in his dumps one of them gently asks him what he ailes hereto he answers onely with a sigh whereupon she takes occasion thus to speak In good faith Gossip I must chide you my Gossip your wives mother told me I know not what of a disagreement between your wife and you and a certain fond humour that you are fallen into I wis I am sory to hear it And before God you are not so wise as I had thought you had been to wrong your wife thus 〈◊〉 shout a cause for I durst lay my life there is no such matter 〈◊〉 this good day saith another I have known her ever since she was a little one both Maid and Wife and I never saw but well by the woman And in good sooth it grieves me to the very heart that her name should now come in question without cause Before God you have done the poor woman that disgrace and so stained her good name that you will never be able to make her amends Then steps in the Chamber-maid with her five eggs In good faith saith she I know not what my Master hath seen or whereon he doth ground his suspition but I take God to my witness that I neuer saw any such matter by my Mistress and yet I am sure that if there were any such thing I should see it as soon as another Gods body Drab saith he all inraged wilt thou face me down of that which my self saw Oh Gossip quoth the one of the Dames God forbid that every man and woman which are alone together should do evil I deny not saith the Chambermaid that the villanous knave hath long sued unto my Mistress for such a matter but by my honesty Master I know that there is never a man alive whom she hates more And rather than she would commit any such folly with him she would see him hang'd and be burned her self I marvel how the Devil he got into the house Here the other Gossips come in one after another and each gives her verdict In good faith Gossip saith one I think that next your wife there is never a woman in the world that loves you better than I do and if I knew or thought any such matter I would not lett to tell you of it Surely saith another this is but the Devils work to set them at variance for he cannot abide that husband and wife should live well together In good faith saith the third the poor woman doth nothing but weep By Christ quoth the fourth I fear it will cost her her life she grieves and takes on in such sort Then comes the Mother weeping and crying out making as though the would scratch out his eyes with her nails exclaiming in this sort Ah cursed Caitiff woe worth the time that ever my Daughter matcht with thee to be thus shamed and slandered and have her name spotted without cause But she is well enough served that would take such a base churl when she might have had sundry good Gentlemen Ah good Gossip saith another be not out of patience Ah Gossip saith she if my Daughter were in fault by our good Lord I would kill her my self But think ye I have no cause to be moved when I see my child being guiltlesse thus used With that she flings out of doors in a rage and all the Gossips come upon him thick and threefold who is so full of sundry thoughts and so grieved and troubled that he knows not whereon to resolve nor what to say In the end they growing some what calmer promise if he will to undertake the reconciling of him and his wife which he most earnestly desireth them to do They accordingly perform it so that all controversies are ended all strife ceased the matter hushed up and his wife taken home again who taking greater courage by the success hereof and being now clean past shame will grow far bolder in her villany than before And he door Meacock on the other side having his courage thus quailed will never afterwards fall at odds with her for fear of the like storm but will suffer her to have her own will in all things and be in a manner subject to her spending the remnant of his life in care fear discontent and grief his goods wasting he knows not how and himself become alaughing stock to all that know him ☞ An Advertisement Those most Famous Pills so eminently Known in most Parts of Europe to be the only True Safe and Effectuall Medicine against the DROPSY and SCURVY with all other Sharp Salt and Watry Humours and Helps many other desperate Diseases Cleansing the Womb of all Superfluous Humidity that often is the Cause of Non Conception are still faithfully Prepared by W. Sermon Doctor of Physick and Physitian in Ordinary to His Majesty and Sold by the Said Doctor and Mr Edward Thomas Bookseller at the Adam and Eve in Little Brittaine c. FINIS