his birthright to satisfy his belly he is a Bastard begotten of the horseleaches Daughter continually crying give give Some people of this Nation are so besotted by this old fool that they make a world of provision against his coming and invite him to be Gossip to all their Pyes and call them after his name Christmas-Pyes My Lord here is an honest Neighbour of mine called Pinch-gut can testify as much as my self Councel Hear me a word my Lord and if you please Pharoahs ill-favoured Kine were fed by these Clerk Cryer call Pinch-gut Cr. O yes Mr. Pinch-gut Iudg. Come fellow what can you say against the Prisoner Pinch I perceive my Lord the Councellor is purposed to abuse us to please his Clyent as all the fraternity will do but I would have him know that I was well descended my Father was call'd Saving and my Mothers name was Spare a very good hous-wife and of great repute amongst the Farmers Iudg. Fellow I am not come here to examine pedigrees were they as Authentick as a Welch-mans But come let me hear what thou canst say in the behalf of the Common-wealth against the Prisoner at the Barr. Pinch-gut My Lord I can say that this Old man is an Epicure all his delight is to please his Pallat his throat is an open Sepulchre he is the Canker of the Common-wealth worse than the Locust or the Palmer-worm and this is the summe of what I can testify Councel This is a liberall fellow t' is confest He will keep all and give away the rest Iudg. What witnesses are there more Clerk call Mr. Allwork Cr. O yes Mr. Allwork Allwork Allwork Iudg. Friend what 's the matter you must have so much calling and so long coming Counc It must be so my Lord even snails keep state When with slow pace their horns peep forth the gate Allwork I was very busy my Lord in my shop Iudg. Can you evidence any thing against the Prisoner Allw. I can witnesse that he is a very idle fellow I saw a warrant the other day under the Lord chief Justices own hand Commanding us to work six days and this old villain would perswade us to play twelve he teaches also revelling and rebellion we cannot bear any rule with our servants when he come for if we command them to follow their work they will murmur and deny it saying is it not Christmas time Thus my Lord and severall other wayes he is the Author of Rebellion and sedition in fine my Lord he brings with him both fire fuel and bellows of contention thus being extream hasty about my labour I desire your honour to excuse me Counc Go too industrious fool labour for those Which ne're will thank thee nay perhaps thy foes Iudg. Are there any more Clerk Call Mr. Meanwell Cr. O yes Mr. Meanwell Iudg. Come fellow what can you say Moan My Lord I can say that this Old man is a spend-thrift a riotous spoil-good he is the chief cause that the good Creatures are abused he is a superstitious and an Idolatrous fellow an observer of times he makes his belly his God a meer Dives he faresdeliciously every day but his feasting is the cause of poor Eazarus his fasting He provokes only to wanton fullnesse lustfull love he makes those that love him and his company unfit for any good dutys but on the contrary he makes them ready for all evil as uncleannesse scurrility vain talking and the like he is like the Idolatrous Israelites they eat and drank no mention of grace before meat and rose up to play there 's no mention of grace after meat just so doth he he teaches that which the people of the old World practised only eating and drinking and such other delights This was he my Lord that invited Iobs sons to dinner He overcomes men with surfeiting and Drunkonnâ—sse and makes them that they cannot pronounce Shiboleth he hath twelve sons all follow the steps of their Father and they keep company with one Mr. Prodigul Mr. Wast-full Belly-chear and Idle with Mr. Gamester and such others like them all the accursed Brats of base men here is a friend of mine called Mris. Prudence she can inform your honour of some thing else Councel Thy name is Mean-well friend I know 't is so That thou art call'd yet so thou ne're didst do Thy Father he was call'd Curious he would know Whither the Rain-bow had a string or no What wood the man that 's in the Moon doth carry Or whither he intend or no to marry Such monsters yea such Salyres and mad strains Danc'd in the wilderness of his wild brains Cler. Call Mris. Prudence Cr. O yes Mris. Prudence Iudg. Make room for that Gentlewoman to come in Come good woman are not you a stranger-hereabouts Prud. My Lord wheresoever your honour is I desire to be your hand-maid as for my residence it is most in the University here and there sometimes in the Countrey I am found as soon in a lowly Cottage as under a lofty Crown I have a Sister call'd Wisdome we always travell and dwell together Iudg. Jury take a speciall notice of this womans testimony and get as much acquaintance with her her sister as you can Come vertuous woman let me hear what thou canst say in the behalf of the Common-wealth against the Prisoner Prud. My Lord much hath been already spoken and much more I can say this Old man hath been one chief instrument that I my Children have been abused I have three Daughters My Lord the first is called Patience the second Temperance and the third Chastity one so named Sobriety all these by this Christmasses means are injuriously dealt withall and violently handled which before his coming were in good estimation in Gentlemens houses my daughter Patience is an admirable good servant she uses to look to the Children and servants would keep them in love peace and quiet if at any time she were reviled she would not revile again Iosephs words were often in her mouth see that yee fall not out by the way she is an excellent Labourer and in the winter time of adversity no Christian able to live without her yet this naughty fellow hath much wronged this my Daughter and caused her to be thrown out of doors for wheresoever he is entertain'd he carries a very base fellow called Gamester with him and he hath two companions the one called Spendall and the other Careless these will ride abroad night times vizarded to glean money to maintain their play and make men stand that would fain be going and leave the stranger with a heavy heart and light purse This Gamester hath also one chief man called Anger and also two Pages the one called Swearing the other Cursing and when there is any difference about their Masters play these two presently call in two others as good as themselves one named Quarrelling the other named Fighting and these murder my daughter Patience For
Behold the Majestie and grace Of loueing cheerfull Christmas face Whome many thousands with one breath Cry out let him be put to death Who indeede can neuer die So long as man hath memory THE EXAMINATION AND TRYALL of Old Father CHRISTMAS At the Assizes held at the Town of Difference in the County of Discontent Written according to Legal proceeding By Josiah King LONDON Printed for Thomas Johnson at the sign of the golden Key in Pauls Church-yard 1658. To the Worshipful John Hodge Doctor of Physick at Modbury in Devon Sir PArdon I beseech you my presumption in presenting you this insuing Allegory I must confess it is too trivial for your grave perusal yet the reading perhaps may serve to the same end the writing did which was only Recreation Fancy is a Daughter of Salomons good Houswife she will bee spinning before it bee light Sir I hope you will Candidly construe his intention who is weak in his indeavours though strong in his desires and if he could he would not or if he would hee could not be otherwise than Your Servant in the bonds of affection Josiah King To Captain Thomas Prinne of Wembury Sir IN discharge of my promise I here tender you the service of an old man let him not be served like the Serving-man turned away because old I hope he will not speak any thing that may offend a chast ear yet I question not but there will be evil reports raised on him and indeed Woe were to him if all should speak well of him I know you are ingenious and besides I have been told a lover of good Tydes O let them flow if they content do bring But never ebbe thus praies your servant King To Momus or the Critick Self-conceited Sir I Know thou wilt brag thy very breath is enough to poyson the Muses how many pots of oyntment hast thou spoyl'd I know thou wilt be chopping upon my broken stile but tell me canst thou expect flowers from him that never walkt in Apollo's garden If thou sayest here is something stolne I say thou lyest it is but borrowed and that is the Method The Author of the Isle of man and I had it from the Assizes now be advised by me put thy ears in under thy cap and shut thy black mouth and then no body will know thee thus saith I. K. To the honest Reader Friend MY intent in writing this Allegorical Tryal of Christmas was not to vent mine opinion upon the observation of the time he that observes a day as hee should may keep Christmas every day only herein is expressed some part of those arguments which are used in pleading for or against the keeping of it It will be I hope no cause of controversie there is too much division already for which there is as much grief of heart Pray for the peace of Jerusalem let them prosper that love it Blessed are those that all dissention hate And strive to quiet a disturbed state Vale The TRYALL of Christmas THe day appointed for the Assizes being come the Judge and the Sherriffe with the Justices of the Peace came to the place where they were to sit and first I think it would not bee amisse to tell you the Names of them the Judge was called Judge Hate-bate the Sherriffs name was Sir Leonard Love-peace the Justices are call'd as followeth the first is Justice Hate-bribe the second is Justice Wise the third Justice Vpright the fourth Justice Doe-good the fifth Justice Fearnone these with the Judge and Sheriffe being setled on the Bench the Judge read his Commission after which the chief of the Prisoners being one Old Christmas was commanded to bee brought to the Bar then was a Jury for Life and Death to bee impanneld who are for the Common-wealth and are to give in their Verdict according to their Evidence and as they were to be called there stept up one Sir Hica Busy and delivered a list to the Sheriff informing him that the Country desired those men whose names were set down might bee the Jury to pass upon old Christmas at the Bar which the Sheriffe for quietness sake delivered to the Clerk of the Arraignment to have them called a company of brave Gentlemen you shall hear them named by and by The Clerk having received the Paper bid the Cryer call as followeth Cler. Cryer call Mr. Starve-mouse Cr. O yes Mr. Starve-mouse Cryer call Mr. All-pride Cr. O yes Mr. All-pride Cryer call Mr. Keep-all Cr. O yes Mr. Keep-all Cryer call Mr. Love-none Cr. O yes Mr. Love-none Cryer call Mr. Eat-alone Cr. O yes Mr. Eat-alone Cryer call Mr. Give-little Cr. O yes Mr. Give-little Cryer call Mr. Hoord-corn Cr. O yes Mr. Hoord-corn Cryer call Mr. Grutch-meat Cr. O yes Mr. Grutch-meat Cryer call Mr. Knit-gut Cr. O yes Mr. Knit-gut Cryer call Mr. Serve-time Cr. O yes Mr. Serve-time Cryer call Mr. Hate-good Cr. O yes Mr. Hate-good Cryer call Mr. Cold-kitcâ—in Cr. O yes Mr. Cold-kitchin Then saith the Clerk to the Cryer count them Starve-mouse one All-pride two Keep-all three Love-none four Eat-alone five Give-little six Hoord-corn seven Grutch-meat eight Knit-gut nine Serve-time ten Hate-good eleven Cold-kitchin twelve Then saith the Cryer all you bountiful Gentlemen of the Jury answer to your names and stand together and hear your Charge With that there was such a lamentable groan heard enough to turn ice into ashes which caused the Judge and the rest of the Bench to demand what the matter was it was replied that the grave old Gentleman Christmas did sound at the naming of the Jury then it was Commanded that they should give him air and comfort him up so that hee might plead for himself and here I cannot passe by in silence the love that was expressed by the Country people some shreeking and crying for the old man others striving to hold him up others hugging him till they had almost broke the back of him others running for Cordials and strong waters insomuch that at last they had call'd back his wandring spirits which were ready to take their last farewell Then said the Judge old man what 's the matter Christm Ah good my Lord I have been grosly abused and had been trodden under foot had not these good Country people helpt me Judg. But mee thought I heard some say it was at the naming of the Jury If thou hast ought justly to except against them I will hear thee Christm I heartily thank your Honour and this favour which your Lordship hath granted me hath encouraged me to crave another and that is That you be pleased to grant mee the benefit of a Councel in regard of mine Age and defect of memory and expression Besides the Jury are all strangers to mee as well as enemies and therefore I desire my Councel may be one of this County that so he may describe the Gentlemen of the Jury Judg. Well Christmas in regard that thou wert a merry old man when I was but a Boy
and did often at thy comming make me sport I have granted thy request choose thy Councellor Christm I humbly thank your goodnesse my Lord Then the old man whispered to a Friend to deliver a Fee to Councellor Crab and desire him to decypher the Jury and as occasion did offer it self to Plead his Cause The Fee being delivered and accepted the Councellor after this manner spake to the Bench Councel My Lord may it please your Honour this Jury which is now impanneld and to pass their Verdict upon old Christmas is illegally chosen there is not one of them a Free-man and all mortal enemies to this old Gentleman And first of all here is Mr. Starve-mouse I wonder how hee dare shew his face in Court the very Cats cannot abide him Secondly Here is Mr. All-pride I must confess he hath an estate But at his house-keeping you may admire Where silken gowns do quench the kitchin fire And of his Cup there 's none that ever â—â—ste And break their necks may sooner than their fast And when at any time a feast he 'l keep He in Bravado will kill half a sheep Here 's another my Lord cald Eat-alone a Malefactor my Lord and ought to be condemned by Magna Charta where it is to be found that one of the Lord chief Justices own Clerks being accused was forc'd to free himself and get it recorded that he eat not his morsel alone To be short my Lord To eat his breakfast he a corner sought And in his pocket hath his dinner brought There 's another of them cald Give-little hee may well be called give nothing yet the Fool will sometimes bragge of his Charity if he kills but an Egge and give the offall to the needy he is my Lord a great benefactor to the poor but will bestow nothing upon the Beggers and as for Master Cold-kitchin here is his man Sam Servant is ready to give Oath that hee hath almost sterved him to death And for Mr. Hoord-corn the people in general all curse him it is he that makes the Epha small and the shekel great good my Lord let Justice be done upon him unlesse he will save Gregory the labour and follow the steps of his father who the last cheap year hanged himself There 's another of them cald Mr. Grutch-meat he may be termed grutch cloaths too for his cloathes were never young in my memory they may be set down in the Almanack with the dear year and the great frost he is one that never gave Almes in his life the house of his owne body he will not keep Tenantable but it had been irrecoverably decayed had it not been for the reparations of other mens Tables where hee hoords up meat enough for a month in a word my Lord he is a base fellow and so I leave him There 's another of them cald Mr. Serve-time he dwells at the signe of the Weather-cock he hath a glove for every hand he holds it most safe to do as most do right or wrong he 'l be on the harder side And when a hunting goes I have been told He with the Hare will run and Hound will bold So my Lord not sit for a Juror because he makes conscience of nothing Judg. Were there ever such a brood of Vipers as these Mr. Sheriffe how came this to pass Sheriff Surely my Lord it was Sir Hica Busy that gave me the List and told mee it was the Countries desire that these men should bee the Jury and I was induced to beleeve it in regard I know him to bee a popular man With this the Jury began to murmure and told the Judge that the Councellor had abused them to please his Client as most of his fraternity will doe and therefore would appeal or stand to justification Councel My Lord here are some witnesses to prove the truth of what I have spoken Judg. Let them come in Coun. Cryer call Humility O yes Humility Judg. Come friend can you testifie any thing against any of the Jury Hum. My Lord I am convinced that all that hath been spoken by the Worshipfull Councellor is true but especially I can speak something more against Mr. All-pride than hath been yet declared for may it please your Honour hee hath indeavoured to murder mee and my Neighbour Patience all his practice is in brave cloaths bigge looks swearing and swaggering and insulting over his poore Neighbours there was one Mr. Good-work lived in the house before this fellow threw him out of the doores he spent more in Mustard every year than this gaudy Gentleman doth in Beef hee keeps two wicked men to his Servants the one is call'd Stony-heart the other Bribe and these help to keep him up in his wicked courses My Lord here are many more witnesses if your Lordship please to examine them Judg. No no this is no Joshad's day Mr. Sheriffe let another Jury be impanneld immediately a pack like the former if they bee to be gotten Councel Before he finde their Fellows he must rake Tophet throughout and the infernal Lake The Jury being chosen were called as followeth Mr. Love-friend one Mr. Hate-strife two Mr. Free-man three Mr. Cloath-back four Mr. Warm-gut five Mr. Good-work six Mr. Neighbour-hood seven Mr. Ope-house eight Mr. Scorn-use nine Mr. Soft-heart ten Mr. Merry-man eleven Mr. True-love twelve No man taking any exception against this Jury the Clerk read the Inditement against old Christmas as followeth Cler. Christmas hearken to they Inditement Christmas thou art here Indited by the name of Christmas of the Town of Superstition in the County of Idolatry and that thou hast from time to time abused the people of this Common-wealth drawing and inticing them to Drunkennesse Gluttony and unlawful Gaming Wantonnesse Uncleanness Lasciviousness Cursing Swearing abuse of the Creatures some to one Vice and some to another all to Idleness what sayest thou to thy Inditement guilty or not guilty he answered not guilty and so put himself to the Tryall After this the Parties that can give Evidence against him are call'd Councel His innocence appears I lay a Crown Whiter than untrod Snow or Culver down Cler. Cryer call in Gregory Grutch-meat O yes Gregory Grutchmeat Iudg. Come you thin belly what can you say against the Prisoner at the barr dost thou know him Greg. Know him yes my Lord his name is Christmas a great waster spend-thrift he hath been all his days nothing like Sampsons Lyon out of that eater came forth meat but this old fellow devours all and produces nothing hee passes the great eater of Kent his mind is wholly set upon his belly for satisfaction of which hee murders the poor innocent Creatures My Lord let the Records be searcht and before the flood we cannot find that man ever eat any thing but fruit or hearbs but this Cormorant is all for flesh flesh and eats it with the blood thereof which is the cause that he is so beastly minded a meer Esau he will sell
my second Daughter Temperance she is a very abstemious maid and uses alwaies to wait upon the Table before this wicked wretch comes then she is banisht or choaked at the best thrown out of the doors and then perhaps must lye without in the street no entertainment can get if he be in the Town unless it be at some honest Tradesmans house it may be at the Ministers if he be one of the last edition My third Daughter Chastity is as beautifull as the Sun and she is a Chamber-maid and this fellow is the cause that she is abused also for Gluttony hath two Associates Chambering Wantonnesse and these kick my poor Daughter diverse times down the staires Thus my Lord my Children whom I have so educated as they are fit Companions for Princes are by this vile Varlet abused my Lord in few words he is the cause that many men make their Tables and Alter to their belly and a snare to their souls Iudg. Prudence many women have dont vertuously but thou hast excelled them all Pru. Good my Lord pity me Iudg. I do and will pity thee Coun. Good my Lord your pitty a while hold One Tale is good untill the others told then Hear but old Christmas what he says and You will reserve some pitty for old men Iudg. Old Christmas hold up thy head and speak for thy self thou hast heard thy inditement also what all these Witnesses have evidenced against thee what sayest thou now for thy self that sentence of condemnation should not be pronounced against thee Christm Good my Lord be favourable to an old man I am above one thousand six hundred years old never was questioned at Sizes or Sessions before my Lord look on these white hairs are they not a Crown of glory Iudg. Yea if they be found in a good way Christm I hope you shall not find these in a bad way And first my Lord I am wronged in being indited by a wrong name I am corruptly called Christmas my name is Christ-tide or time And though I generally come at a set time yet I am with him every day that knows how to use me My Lord let the Records be searcht and you shall find that the Angels rejoyc'd at my coming and sung gloria in excelsis The Patriarcks and Prophets longed to see me The fathers have sweetly imbraced me our modern Divines all comfortably cherisht mee O let me not be despised now I am old Is there not an injunction in Magna Charta that commands men to inquire for the old way which is the good way many good deeds do I do O why do the people hate me we are commanded to be given to Hospitality and this hath been my practise from my youth upward I come to put men in mind of their redemption to have them love one the other to impart with something here below that they may receive more and better things above the wiseman saith there is a time for all things and why not for thankfulnesse I have been the cause that at my coming Ministers have instructed the people every day in the Publick telling the people how they should use me and other delights not to effeminate or corrupt the mind and bid them abhor those pleasures from which they should not use bettered and that they should by no means turn pass-time into Trade And if that at any time they have stept an inch into excesse to punish themselves for it and be ever after the more carefull to keep within compass And did also advise them to manage their sports without Passion They would also tell the people that their feasts should not be much more than nature requires and grace mederates not pinching nor pampering And whereas they say that I am the cause they sit down to meat and rise up again gracelesse they abundantly wrong me I have told them that before any one should put his hand in the dish he should look up to the owner and hate to put one morsell in his mouth unblessed I tell them they ought to give thanks for that which is paid for already knowing that neither the meat nor the mouth nor the man are of his own making I bid them fill their bellies not their eyes and rise from the board not glutted but only satisfied and charge them to have a care that their guts be no hinderances to their brains or hands and that they should not loose themselves in their feasts but bid hem be soberly merry and wisely free I also advise them to get friendly thrift to be their Caterer and Temperance to Carve at the board and be very watchfull that Obscenity detraction and scurrility be banisht the Table But let their discourse be as savoury as the meat and so feed as though they did eat to live not live to eat and at last rise as full of thankfulnesse as of food This hath this is and this shall be my continuall practise now concerning the particulars that these folks charge me with I cannot answer them because I do not remember them my memory is but weak as old mens use to be but me thinks they seem to be the seed of the dragon they send forth of their mouths whole floods of impious inventions against me and lay to my charge things that I am not guilty of which hath caused some of my friends to forsake me and look upon me as a stranger My Brother Good-works broke his heart when he hear don 't my sister Charity was taken with the NumPalsy so that she cannot stretch forth an hand O tell it not in the City nor publish it in the Country my Lord I am but a bad Orator therefore I humbly desire your honour to hearken to my Councell and witnesses In the mean space I 'le weep I cannot hold Good works is dead Charitie 's half cold Iudg. Councellor what can you say Coun. Me thinks my Lord the very Clouds blush to see this old Gentleman thus egregiously abused if at any time any have abused themselves by immoderate eating and drinking or otherwise spoil the creatures it is none of this old mans fault neither ought he to suffer for it for example the Sun and the Moon are by the heathe is worship'â— are they therefore bad because idolized so if any abuse this old man they are bad for abusing him not he bad for being abused These Bastards of Amon have abused him and therefore now would banish him far beit from my Lord to casheir a good thing with the base use annexed thereunto They term his charity wasting and spoiling the making of Idlers and encreasing of Beggers But where too much charity hath slain her thousands too little hath slain her ten thousands some of these witnesses did hint at Religion but I believe they are maidens for that the first that wooes them may win them they tax him of Rebellion and sedition but how can love and peace be the Author of that for