A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil A POEM LONDON Printed and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster 1700. THE PREFACE SINCE a Poet in a piece of Satyr like a Passionate Man in a Skirmish may by accident offend those he never designed to meddle with the Author lest People should think he has too far jested with an Edge-Tool has thought fit to declare that he had no other Intention in the following Poem than to apply it as a Carpenter does his Axe when to the hazard of its Edge he strikes at those stubborn and irregular Knots which are a discredit to the Tree and lessen the value of the Timber Or as a Surgeon handles his Lancet when he lays open a corrupt Member which is both troublesome and scandalous to the sound parts of the Body It is evident enough there is no Church in the World but what has received some Blemishes from her Priests meaning some few who for want of either Learning Prudence or Piety have been a dishonour to their Function such only I accuse and I hope should I blame Peter for denying his Master or Judas for betraying Him the rest of the Apostles would have no reason to be angry If I am condemn'd for Arraigning 'em in the Lower Regions which some of 'em have good reason to hope was prepar'd only for us Laymen I have only this to say that I am not the first that has plac'd a vicious Clergyman in the Infernal Territories for Michael Angelo the Famous Roman Painter in his Resurrection in St. Peter's Chapel had the presumption to paint a Cardinal in Hell so very like the grave Father he represented that every body knew the Picture which put the good Old Gentleman under so great a Dissatisfaction that he complain'd to the Pope and desir'd he would Command it should be rub'd out who told him he was got quite out of his Jurisdiction saying If he had been but a step on this side he could have released him from Purgatory but having not the Keys of Hell from thence there could be no Redemption The next part of my Apology is to the Learned Professors both of Law and Physick for whom as well as the Orthodox Clergy of the English Church I have a peculiar Veneration who cannot be insensible what swarms of hungry and unskilful Practicers in both Sciences there are who fraudulently prey upon the honest Labours of the Publick at such only is this Satyr pointed who support themselves basely by others Ruin and have no just Prospect for want of true Knowledge in their Business to preserve themselves from Beggary but by often bringing others into it one side plunging their Clients further into Trouble instead of helping them out and the other instead of recovering their Patients of Curable Distempers will if they be Poor thro' neglect or if Rich by delays of Cure for Interest sake be the Death of some and the undoing of others to their whole Lives Misery Therefore since it as essentially relates to the Comforts of the Life of Man to know what other People are as well as what he himself should be I thought it no Ill Task to Communicate to the World what knowledge of Mankind I have gather'd from my own Experience the Good wont hurt us 't is the Bad we must be Cautious how we deal with for which reason I have herein separated the Wicked from the Godly representing only the former to show Youth what Monsters in Humane Shape they must expect to meet with in this World tho' of the most Noble Professions Therefore my whole Design is only to make Men careful with what Priests they trust their Souls with what Lawyers their Estates and with what Physicians their Bodies And if this Part of my Undertaking succeed well and that the World is pleased with it they shall hear further from me on the same Subject for in this I had not room to half finish my Design So Farewel A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil CANTO I. WHEN Western Clouds involv'd the God of Light And all the Eastern starry Orbs look'd bright When Sots their Tavern Bacchanals begun And Thetis at a draught drank up the Sun Whilst Luna with her Silver Horns drew near To bless the Night and bear Dominion here 'T was then that I my better self my Soul Broke loose and thro' my Prison Casements stole And glad I 'd shifted off my Earthly Chains Danc'd like a flaming Vapour round the Plains I then thro' Brakes and over Whirl-Pools flew Till tir'd with only superficial view Then into Holes and Crannies did I dive Where Badger Fox and sundry Vermine live Where Moles were labouring to enlarge their Homes And buzzing Bees made Musick o'er their Combs Farther I darted thro' the porous Earth To seek that Womb whence Nature had her Birth But found the hidden Mistery far too great And for a Human Soul too intricate Causes with sundry Causes mix'd I found Each Matrix did with proper Seeds abound But why those Seeds their likeness shou'd produce Their Form preserve be still the same in use My shallow Reason neither see or knew But found each Cause did the Decrees pursue Of some Eternal Pow'r beyond dim Reasons view Thro' deeper Caverns still I forc'd my way Where useless Dregs of the old Chaos lay Involv'd in Night remote and never seen by Day Where Plagues and Pestilential Fumes were pent Till Heav'ns Decree shou'd give 'em fatal vent Where greater Serpents do the less devour And Human-like contend for Sov'reign Pow'r Where Streams thro' subteranean Channels run And fight with Winds far distant from the Sun Whose violent Shocks the World can scarce survive But trembles at the very strokes they give And where Heavens Judgments in subjection lay Ready the dreadful Trumpet to Obey And work the World's destruction at the last sad Day Thus thro' Nights deep Avenues did I pass Where all was rude as in the unform'd Mass. Thro' Death's remoter frightful Vaults I went Where ghastly Sprights their Follies past lament And in dispairing Sighs such Discord make No Soul could hear but of their Grief partake Dreading from thence their sad remove each Hour To endless Pains where Time shall be no more So the poor Thief when seiz'd for his Offence Finds his own Conscience Judge and Evidence And thus before he to the Bar shall come Dreads with sad Terror his succeeding Doom I forward press'd bemoaning of their Case Freed from my Earth Death ask'd me for no Pass But boldly shot the Adamantine Gates Without repulse unquestion'd by the Fates Who busie sate with Distaff Reel and Knife Spining and cutting Man's short Threads of Life O'er scorching Sands where fiery Seeds lay hid I Travell'd till the Avernuan Hills I spy'd High were their gloomy Heads the trodden Path as wide I ventur'd forwards till to Styx I came Which shone like humid Vapours in a flame It s poysonous
Heaven's Key How will these sable Souls admittance get From whom we ne'er obtain'd one Farthing yet Poh says the other I have beg'd of many When young I was but never got one Peny And now I 've learn'd more Wit than e'er to beg of any The Hypocrite they damn'd and set at nought Yet play'd the same thro' ev'ry Hour they taught With Eyes turn'd up as a Religious Grace They daily flatter'd Heaven to its Face And ev'ry Name of Lord they bawl'd aloud More to amuse than to instruct the Crowd When all their thoughtless Nonsence spoke beside If by the touch of common Reason try'd Was something that just nothing signify'd The Doctrine of Forgiveness would they give But injur'd once revenge it whilst they live Many commit but no Affronts would bear And when provok'd they so Contentious were That with Stiff-Necks and Hearts as hard as Rocks Rather than lose an Egg they 'd spend an Ox. Deliv'ring each poor En'my to the Jaws Of that wild Monster the devouring Laws Where Justice is too oft so dearly bought The Wrong's most cheap where Justice ne'er is sought These are the Ills for which they 're hither sent By Heav'ns Decree to receive Punishment Therefore my Lord what now remains for you Is to award such Pains as are their due The Judge arising did his Task assume And gravely standing thus pronounc'd their Doom Altho' says he in diff'rent Robes you came I find your Ills are equally the same I decree therefore you alike shall feel A Tythe of all the Punishments in Hell And as you when you did on Earth reside The Poor neglected who on Alms rely'd So shall you Mercy crave but always be deny'd They nothing had on their behalfs to say But whimper'd and by Fiends were drag'd away CANTO V. Before the next surprising Scene appear'd A noise of strange tumultuous Tongues I heard They nearer still approach'd till grown as loud As the base Murmurs of a Trait'rous Crowd Rais'd by some Statesman's Tool to perpetrate Some ill Design against a sinking State At last in view there came a wond'rous Throng Of fetter'd Convicts all upon the Tongue Each to the other did confus'dly Prate Like tat'ling Gossips in a drunken Chat Or else like Temple Students when they call To fright the crasie Bench A Hall a Hall Grave Robes and Gowns of sundry sorts they wore And many Badges of distinction bore Some old Grey-Heads with Silk and Flax adorn'd Whose wrinkled Brows as well as Toes were Corn'd By Wives too young for Sixty and too old To bribe off Loves enjoyments with their Husbands Gold Gouty and Lame these Sages limp'd along And were advanc'd the foremost in the Throng All seeming by their mercenary Looks Cunning as Foxes and as sharp as Hawks Their Palms look'd black by taking Bribes of Coin As Slaves who labour in an Indian Mine Methoughts I heard 'em cry Ne'er fear go on My Fee my Fee your bus'ness shall be done Money 's the Life the Spirit of the Laws Find me but that and never fear your Cause These were succeeded by the Clerks o'th'Court The lesser Scribes that do the greater hurt Whose woful earnest of a Ten Groats Fee Enters the Client first in Miserie Of these some Beaus and some precise in Bands With Parchment Rowls like Truncheons in their Hands Their Pockets stuff'd with Scrawls like Poet Bays For expedition some and some delays Under their Arms green Woollen Snap-sacks hung Fill'd with learn'd Instruments of Right and Wrong There follow'd next to these a spurious sort Of Pettyfogers meer Locusts of the Court Who often help the former to deceive And eat up what the bigger Vermin leave Some by their Shop-board Looks were Taylors bred But broke and on their Backs had scarce a Shred Not only in their Lives but Looks were Knaves Litigious from their Cradles to their Graves Vers'd in those Querks amongst the Scribes they saw After long Troubles did themselves withdraw From making Sutes of Cloaths to manage Suits of Law Well knowing it requires an equal Skill To make a Lawyer 's or a Taylor 's Bill Amongst this paltry Crew were Ten to One Bred up to Trades but by the Law undone And thus distress'd most equitably sought Relief from that which had their Ruin brought Or else resolv'd from being basely us'd T' abuse the Law by which they 'd been abus'd So the poor Wretch who Witchcraft has endur'd If once she claws the envious Hag she 's cur'd Some in Freeze-Coats strait Wiggs and flapping Hats Great Beards and dirty Hands like Counter Rats With Looks undaunted at their Heels a Straw Bold Teasers and Tormenters in the Law Tho' all the knavish Knowledge they had in 't Was learn'd i' th' Fryars Newgate or the Mint These in each Cause to manifest their Care Wou'd if they 're hir'd Sollicit or Forswear Stand stifly to a Point the World might see Their Clients should by them no Suff'rers be Bailiffs and Hangmen did the next appear And Goalers too were crowded in the Rear Why these were mix'd I ask'd and 't was because These were the Plagues and Periods of the Laws Whom all Mankind with equal Odium hate For Rog'ries done so despicably great These hung an Arse and crept so slow along A Devil spurr'd them forward with his Prong And at their Laziness with Rage inflam'd Cry'd move you Rogues walk faster and be damn'd A Hangman angry at the gross Affront Turn'd back his Head and answer'd him as blunt Why Rogue and please your Worship what d' ye mean I have as honest as my-Master's been I from all blame by Human Laws am freed And only finish'd what the Court decreed What if some Wretches should unjustly dye The Fault is not in me or my Imploy Those that Convicted 'em were R s not I. These tho' alike by no means could agree Or to each Brother Villain civil be The Bailiffs on the Hangmen look'd awry Each Carnifex return'd an evil Eye As threat'ning to be with 'em by and by Like signs of Terror on their Brows did sit One fear'd a Rope the other fear'd a Writ Mutual Aversions were on each entail'd From Bailiffs oft b'ing Hang'd and Hangmen Goal'd 'Twixt Fear and Hate they did each other greet As a poor Bankrupt who by chance shall meet The Creditor he 's Cozen'd in the Street Round the Infernal Court they all were haul'd The first Division to the Bar were call'd The Charge brought down from the High Court of Jove Of which they 'd all Convicted been above Silence was first proclaim'd in the Divan And Hell's Attorney-General thus began My Lord the Grave Wise Culprits at the Bar Who rais'd amongst Mankind perpetual War By some call'd Lawyers and by some Be-knav'd Who by sly Querks the Upper-World enslav'd Subtle as Foxes who with Tongues not Claws Dug themselves Holes and burrow'd in the Laws Skill'd to unravel Justice but instead A hundred Wrongs to one just Act they did Till by ill use so mercenary grown
your Wallets on the Ground and there Amongst Hogs Pigs and Geese expos'd your learned Ware Thus you at first were neither more nor less Than servile Pedlars to the fruitful Press No Copies cou'd ye buy no Charter boast But now alas those good old Times are lost Corners of Streets and Gateways in the Town Were chosen Places where your Stocks were shown There sate like Women with their Curds and Whey Had none or very little Rent to pay Sold Ballads Peny-Books poor Fools to please Tom Thumb's old Tales or such like Whims as these At last by Time and Chance more prosp'rous made Leap'd into Shops and so advanc'd your Trade As you grew Rich still proving greater K ves Made Authors Hacknies and the Press your Slaves Why should we thus your Impositions bear Who rais'd you first to be what now you are Both to our Grief have been too long your Tools They sell their Brains like Asses we our Pains like Fools This made the Libel-Venders Wrath run high They shew their Teeth began a warm Reply But that the Cryer call'd 'em to the Bar And the Court's awe supprest their rising War They knew their Guilt and humble rev'rence paid Then all their Evils were before 'em laid Thus says Hell's Council I begin their Charge Whose Crimes Stupendious are their number large My Lord These Sheepish Forms who look so pale and wan Corrupted by a strong desire of Gain Kingdoms inflam'd disturb'd the Peace of Man These were the discontented Statesman's Tools Who spread his Malice and impos'd on Fools Princes abus'd against their Thrones inveigh'd Affronting Pow'rs by them should be obey'd Base mercenary Scriblers did imploy And when the Troubles of a State run high Pour'd in their Pamphlets did the World bewitch With Paper-Engines still enlarg'd the Breach Regarding not the Right of either side But made the Mob's mistaken Zeal their Guide Observ'd which way the People's Whimsies run And follow'd them with Books to drive 'em on Would Treasonable Lyes accumulate And pelt 'em at a weak declining State Oft to a King 's undoing or a Nation 's Fate Printed both Pro and Con no matter what Serv'd that Cause most where most was to be got No publick Ill could reach the End desir'd But their assistance must be first requir'd Were Midwives to designs of restless Men Which ought t o've dy'd Abortives in the Brain With hurtful Whims they kept the World in play And introduc'd new Mischiefs ev'ry Day Which the blind Crowd believing were misled And still were greater Fools the more they read When things accru'd they'd to their Scribe repair Hid in some lofty Turret Lord knows where Where for small Pay his mercenary Quill Robs some of their good Names gives others ill Just as the Pris'ners at the Bar requir'd To rail at any thing he wou'd be hir'd Who fond of what he Writes thinks ev'ry Line inspir'd These Mungril Scriblers they imploy'd in spight To abuse Wits and teaze 'em on to Write That Press and Booksellers might both get Money by 't Kept 'em to raise up Jealousies and Fears And set Mankind together by the Ears As wifling Curs make Mastiffs oft engage And keep a yelping to foment their Rage But at a distance stand behind some Skreen And like true Cowards shun the dang'rous Scene Next these my Lord my Breviate does include The blackest of all Crimes Ingratitude Distinguish'd by so vile so foul a Stain Hateful to Beasts nay Devils well as Men This Sin was epidemically spread And by long use corrupted all the Trade Bread T'wards Authors practis'd most by whom they got their Which aggravates the Evil and does make Their sullied Consciences appear more black When the unwary forward Youth begins To trust his private Thoughts in publick Lines Large Promises they 'd make to draw him in But their Performance he shou'd find but thin If 's Writings pleas'd they gently fed his Wants And tho' things Sold yet vex'd him with Complaints Instead of giving him that due Reward His Pains deserv'd and they might well afford They'd means contrive to build him up a Score And find a thousand ways to keep him Poor When this was done they 'd awe him with their Frowns And buy him as their Slave by lent Half-Crowns Arrest him plague him thus should he be teas'd Unless he drudg'd and scribl'd as they pleas'd In Print abuse him scourge him round the Town And make his Reputation like their own Thus did they feed on Author's teeming Brains And kept 'em Starving to Reward their Pains Whose Faculties decline as Age creeps on And when their sprightly Thoughts are fled and gone They leave the helpless Wretches mis'rably undone So th'Magget in a Nut that long has fed And by the Kernel fat and fair is made Disdains the empty Shell wherein he first was bred Next these my Lord themselves could not agree Or could they honest to each other be But one anothers Properties invade To th' scandal and the damage of their Trade He that to 's own Fraternity is base Can ne'er be just whilst Int'rest's in the Case But will for mercenary Ends pursue The worst of Ills that's in his Power to do An Adage has declar'd the Bird at best Is but an ill one that befouls his Nest. As such Ill Birds my Lord for such they are I represent the Pris'ners at the Bar Care To reward these their Crimes deserves your Lordship's Th' impartial Judge deliberation took And when determin'd thus he gravely spoke You who before me do Convicted stand Of publick Mischiefs to your Native Land Besides Ingratitude Fraud Piracy Unreasonable Gain and Calumny Souls blacken'd with such deep infernal Stains I 'm bound to punish with the greatest Pains Beneath the Poets shall your Station be From their Invectives you shall ne'er be free With burning Satyrs they shall sting your Souls As Farmers do their Hogs or Cooks their Fowls Pamphlets and Plays shall make your flaming Pile And Author's Dung shall baste you as you broil And there for ever to encrease your Woes Read O d 's dull Rhimes or Sh y's Prose A trembling Bookseller amidst the Crowd When Sentence was pronounc'd cry'd out aloud Ah! Neighbours Neighbours wou'd we'd honest been Why what a sad Condition are we in Poets you know were such faint-hearted Wretches That when their Plays were damn'd they 'd foul their Breeches Indeed I dread them most of all our Evils For now they 're damn'd themselves they 'll drip like Devils CANTO VIII Next came a jolly Troop of staggering Sots Arm'd some with Glasses some with Pewter Pots Who round their Hips had azure Ensigns ty'd Put on for use but hanging low for Pride Some who were bound the bleeding Grape to thank Had Noses dy'd with Noble Juice they 'd drank Others crept after whose Consumptive Looks Were paler far than either Smiths or Cooks Who wanting strength of Nature for their Trade B'excess of Wine meer Skeletons were made Amongst the rest some bulky