more orderly To send their Mony quarterly By this time they have more occasion For Ready than the poor o' th Nation Thinking they better know the use on 't A Peer o' th Realm is less profuse on 't That Week o' th Quarter as they have it He 's damn'd with them who thinks to save it Now for that necessary Trick To book and score and run a Tick For Govvn and Cap for Drink and Smoke And so much more for Ink and Chalk Five pound a Coat Ink Five more Ten Six Bottles Chalk as much agen A Glass broke Six pence so much more Because 't was put upon the Score And at this rate the Coxcombs run Their Daddies out of House and Home Those that in Debt the least may be Perhaps owe Hundreds two or three Till fallen downright sick of Duns Keeps Chamber till the Carrier comes The ready Mony when they send it He must upon his Mistress spend it And so that very Night he runs To honest Joan of Hed tons Who brags she has been a Beginner With many an after-harden'd Sinner As to a Book an Introduction's To Vice so she and her Instruction's And since the Doctrine of her School's Practis'd and follow'd so by Fool 's For pray in all our Modern Hist'ries Look me a Fool without a Mistriss Whose part 's to set the Gins and bait 'um And the snare'd Ideot's part to treat 'um So Schollars who do all by Rules without Example won't be Fools And dedicate their ready Monies To please and to divert their Honies Not that they 're given all to whoreing Some are for honest dovvnright roaring And quite another sort of Fellows Love nothing but a noise and Ale-House I would not have you here mistake me I know not how 't is you may take me Ne're think think these Youngsters by their looks Will mate their Heads with silly Books Which a Cann-Lover minds no more Then he that loves an ugly Whore Being none but Ugly in the Town Since one Mal's dead and t'other gone The Lads content are in their Room To Court a Moppstick or a Broom Drest in a Night-Rail and a Settee Dear Nancy call it and their Betty But then he makes a hideous quarter If once ammomer'd on 's Taylors Daughter You may then at the same Church see him Which Father Mother has and she in Coming out down he vales his Bonnet And next day pelts her with a Sonnet But if she stubborn chance to prove He makes a Changeling of his Love And in a strange Poetick Ire Grows very Smutty very dire As sharp as may be to say truth Seeing his Muse had ne're a Tooth And heretofore 't was no great matter For Teeth to any private Satyr But now let each look to his Brawls And not refer 't to Generals Since now there wants a publick Prater To raise the Hiss or Hum o th' Theater Such as we took for Owls and no Men Who knew not how t' abuse the Women 'T was then no more but let some Lad Highly disturb'd and Vengeance mad Where the Girl gave just cause or no Let him to Terrae Filius go 'T was he knew how to mak 't appear As true as you alive stand there Wise Sparks and bold who durst to tell them Their Faults who could and did expell them But these mad whipsters have given o're now And lash these and the Town no more now The Act a time they did all this at Is still a time as much to hiss at At which time when so e're it comes Wise Men of Gotham change their Gowns Which is a kind of Term d' ee see I use for taking a Degree Having had other things to follow They pray their Chum or Chamber-Fellow To help them out to say their part For want of time to get 't by heart For here the Misery of it lies When they 're oblig'd to exercise Which is e're they take a Degree Some Fellow or what e're he be Asks him if things be so or so To which he answers ay or no And if he happens to say right He gets ye his Degree in spight Of Lousie Learning to which end Some better Scholar and his Friend H'intreats because he would not miss To hold his Finger up at Yes And when his turn comes to say no To do his finger so or so And now no question but you 'l ask How 't is they so neglect their Task Folks can't do all at once for look Sir They 've more to do than con a Book sure For Sundays work it very fare is To see who preaches at St. Maries Peep in at Carfax Church to see there Either who preaches or what she there ‖ Sunday Then as if troubled with the Squitters Away they feque it to St. Peters When up into the Chancel coming Which most an end is full of Women About they strut a while and seek out And one vouchsafe at last to pick out Or cry pox ne're a handsome Woman And Preacher being in Prayer Common They can't a while so long to stay To see who Preaches there to day So in their way down to St. Giles For more dispatch they take St. Miles ' Cause they 're oblig'd e're Church be done To thrust their Nose in every one Which makes them run and-sweat and Blurry And puts them in the deadliest hurry For 't is you know a Common saying Business admits of no delaying When coming to the Quaker's Meeting Where some are standing some are sitting Eyes shut with open Mouths some lunging Amidst the Brother-hood they scrunge in Approaching of a handsome Sister With her Eyes closed make bold to kiss her Which mov'd her Spouse but never mov'd her Taking him for a Friend that lov'd her But her Friend John suppos'd that he Bestow'd no Kiss of Charity Which made his Gutts for madness wamble Friend says he giving him a jumble Do thou I say let her alone Or else 't were better thou wert gone Do so in thy own Steeple-House And not in other Peoples House To which the Schollar answers rat it What makes the Fellow so mad at it He wonders what the Quaker thinks on 't 'T was done to her and still she winks on 't But Quack slips out to tell the Procter How Schollars kist his Wife and mock'd her At our Assembly hard by here The Young Men still I 'me sure are there So I made haste to come to thee That thou might'st come thy self and see Since 't is thy business to protect 'um Prithee do thou therefore correct ' um After this Speech the Proctor coming Sets all the Crew of Roysters running And upon all he lays his Hands He either takes them or their Gowns And he 's glad on 't with all his heart Who gets off with his Gown in part Not being a thing accounted shameful To have's Govvn lessen'd by a handful Since all the punishment and shame Light 's only on the Fools are ta'ne Like Birds put in a Cage
ACADEMIA OR THE HUMOURS OF THE Vniversity of Oxford IN BURLESQUE Verse By Mrs. Alicia D'Anvers LONDON Printed and sold by Randal Taylor near Stationers Hall 1691. TO THE UNIVERSITY HAil peaceful Shade whose sacred verdant side Bold Thamisis salutes hail Noble Tide Hail Learning's Mother hail Great Brittains Pride Hail to thy lovely Groves and Bowers wherein Thy Hea'ven begotten Darlings sit and sing Thy First-born Sons who shall in After-Story Share thy loud Fame as now they bring thee Glory Arriv'd at such a rich Maturity Those who spell Man so well would blush to be Took at the Mothers Breast or Nurses Knee Much more in filth to wallow Shoulder high In Tears till his kind Nurse had laid him dry Actions that give no blush of Guilt or Shame To those so young that yet they want a Name I 've heard that Brute and Infant are the same Then beauteous Matron frown not on me for 't Tho at the triflings of your younger sort I smile so much since all I hope to do Is but to raise your Smiles and others too And please my self if pardon'd first by you ACADEMIA OR THE HUMOURS OF THE Vniversity of Oxford I'Intend to give you a Relation As prime as any is in the Nation The Name of th' place is let me see Call'd most an end the ' Versity In which same place as Story tells Liv'd once Nine handsome bonny Girls Highly in olden Time reputed Tho' now so thawct'd and persecuted Schollars belike now can't abide 'um So that they 're fain to scout and hide 'um Or 's sure as you 're alive they 'd beat 'um Out of the place they 'd chose to seat 'um And they who won't be seen to maul 'um Revile bespatter 'um or becall ' um E'ne these sly Curs would Strumpets make 'um When e're they catch 'um can or take um And pinch 'um till they 've made 'um sing ye The filthy'st stuff as one can bring ye The end of all such Rascals wooing Proves many 'a heedless Girle 's undoing All these and twenty more Abuses Are daily offer'd to the Muses You may perceive I 'me mightily Disturb'd they 're us'd so spitefully And must confess where 's no denying That I can hardly hold from crying But that I mayn't be seen to bellow Like ' Girl forsaken by a Fellow Roar throw my Snot about and blubber Like School-Boys or an am'rous Lubber I 'le lay aside my Bowels yearning And talk of Schollars and their Learning When the young Farmer or young Farrier Comes jogging up with 's Country Carrier Well hors'd as he for I have seen 'um Both have but one good Horse between 'um But two Bums with one Horse there under Is no great matter of a wonder For some are fain to ride o' th ' packing Made easie with good Straw and Sacking Kindly contriv'd for 's Buttocks sake Which otherwise might chance to ake But then there 's no great fear of tumbling Altho the Nag were giv'n to stumbling He can't be hurt Sir if you 'd have him Say he shou'd fall the pack would save him So that if I might tell my mind Sir I'd's live ride so as ride behind Sir Then if the Young-Mans Band or Cravit Handkerchief Neck-cloath what you 'll have it Be ill put on or off be blow'n The Carrier tyes or pins it on Or he had been a very Clown to Be bred and born i' th same Town too And knew his Friends so well and knew him That wou'dn't have been civil to him Beside a charge given by his Mother To use him kinder than another Now being arrived at his Colledge The place of Learning and of Knowledge A while he 'll leer about and snivel ye And doff his Hat to all most civilly Being told at home that a shame Face too Was a great sign he had some Grace too He 'l speak to none alas for he 's Amaz'd at every Man he sees May-hap this lasts a Week or two Till some Scab laughs him out on 't so That when most you 'd expect his mending His Breedings ended and not ending Now he dares walk abroad and dare ye Hat on in Peoples Faces stare ye Thinks what a Fool he was before to Pull off his Hat which he 'd no more do But that the Devil shites Disasters So that he 's forc'd to cap the Masters He might have nail'd it to his Head else And wore it Night and Day a Bed else And then de' e see for I 'de have you mind it He had always known where to find it But of a bad thing make the best say And of two Evils chuse the least pray He must cap them but for all other Tho 't were his Father or his Mother His Gran'um Unckle Aunt or Cousin He wo' not give one Cap to a dozen Tho you must know he flows with Mony Giv'n by his Mam unto her Hony His Aunts their Six-pence were apiece too Having had the luck to sell their Geese to Some profit that same Market-day Being th' o're night he came away But f'rall they were so loving to him Besure they 'd always see him doing Because they entertained this Hope In time he might become a Bishop That often he had cause to grumble Under thick-fisted Master Fumble The Master of the School was he And flash'd him for his good de' e see Beating his Brains into his Collar That he might prove the better Schollar He looks upon it as a Blessing Beyond his wish and his expressing A good Substantial and no Fiction To be free from his Jurisdiction With 's Fellow Rake-Hells gets acquainted Who might i' th Country have been Sainted These kindly hug young Soph and squeeze him And of his Cash t' a Farthing ease him This being done and being so He 's at a loss now what to do So here I 'le leave him I must tell ye With a Heart panting in his Belly But lest Despair prove his undoing E're long I 'le come again unto him With some of 's hackle and profession Tho I must make a short digression These being of another sort then Those who 're design'd for Inns of Court-men Who most an end come up a Horse-back Tho many a time they 're brought a pick-pack Like Geese to Market niddle noddle So high no mar'l their Brains prove oddle Another sort of idle Loaches Come lolling up to Town in Coaches Those I 've spoken of de' e observe me Either's a Servitor to serve ye Brings Bread and Beer or what is call'd for Eating what 's left Trencher and all Sir Or else a Commoner may be And thinks himself better than he Because he shou'd pay for his eating But can't unless you 'l take a beating The next who ' as leave to domineer Adds Gentleman to Commoner Most dearly tender'd by his Mother Who loves him better than his Brother So she at home a good while keeps him In White-broath and Canary steeps him And tho his Noddle's somewhat empty
my Elbow Elsabeth said She met a Fairy One morning early in the Dairy Cries John Just such a one 't was Betty Such Folks I vow are very pretty Why I 've seen too New-Colledge mount And stood ye a good while upon 't And Maudling walks and Christ-Church Fountain A thing that makes a mighty sprounting Well Monday comes and hardly neither Before Day-break I hies me thither But I found out by Peoples saying These Organs would not yet be playing And that I might go home again And come and hear 'um just at Ten By then the Bells had all done ringing The Folks were come and set a singing There 's some are fat and some are lean And some are Boys and some are Men But what I 'me sure will make you stare They all stand in their ‖ surpliâ—ce Shirts I swear Here Susan blush'd and John beseeches To tell if these all wore no Breeches Cries John that one can hardly know They wear their Linnen things so low Each one when they come in stand still Bowing and wrigling at the Sill I look'd a while and mark'd one Noddy ‖ The Alta Something he bow'd to but no Body For these and other things as apish The Town-folks term the Scollards Papish The Organs set up with a ding The White-men roar and White-Boys sing Rum Rum the Organs go and zlid Sometimes they squeek out like a Pig Then gobble like a Turky Hen And then to Rum Rum Rum again What with the Organs Men and Boys It makes ye up a dismal Noise All being over as I wiss Out come they like a Flock of Geese The place as I went in at there A kind of Yat-house as it were A top of which a Bell is hung Bigger than e're was look'd upon I understood by all the People 'T was bigger than our Church and Steeple At Nine at night it makes a Bomeing And then the Scollards all must come in Now I 've told all that e're I see Unless the brazen Nose it be Clapt on a College Yat to grace it And shew may hap they 're brazen Faced And there 's another thing I think on The Devil looking over Lincoln Their Faults besure he kindly winks on Tho other Colleges he squints on A world of pity 't was I swear That our Young Master was not there Bess willing yet to be more knowing Demands what Clothes Schollars go in For the most part says John they wear Such kind of Gowns as Parsons are Some Trenchers on their Heads have got As black as yonder Porridge-Pot And some have things exactly such As my Old Gammers mumbles Pouch Which sits upon his Head as neat As 't were sew'd to 't by e'ry Pleat Some I dare say are very poor tho They wear their Gowns berent and tore so Hanging about them all in Littocks That they can hardly hide their Buttocks When they want Mony I believes The Lads are fain to sell their Sleeves Because they have their stunt of Victuals And that I 'me sure but very little 's For look ye many a time I meet May happen twenty in the Street With handsome Gowns to look upon And ne'r a Sleeve to all their Gowns You know Young Master for a Meater Was for his Years a handsome Eater Well and his Sleeves are gone already And his was a New Gown too Betty And hangs about his Legs in shatters I swear ' has torn it all to tatters I held a jag aloft to shew'n And bid'n let the Taylor sew'n Hoa laught and cry'd Why that 's no fault John Hoa tor't to pass ye for a * Senior Saltman But I have sometimes met with some Young Men may chance with a whole Gown Holding 'um out as if they 'd dry 'um So that one hardly can get by ' um Cry'd Tom So drunk they could not miss 'um What nasty Dogs they 're to be-piss ' um Cry'd John No vvhile they have a Govvn They make use of their time to shevv'n Now you have all let 's go to Bed I well'y long to lay my Head And John that motion made because Their Eyes by this time all drew Stravvs All thank him round Sue Bess and Tom And went to Roost all ev'ry one Now John has done his Banbury Story With no small Pride or little Glory Beside a lusty Tost and Ale As soon as he had done his Tale Which Tale if you too soon forget it I vow I should be strangely fretted I should not stand so much upon it But that my Tale depends so on it That if this John should be left out I know not how to bring 't about Alas I should be very willing To give full fourty round broad Shilling To tell a Tale as well as he And purchase such a Memory But ' cause I 'de have you think me honest I shall go back so as I promis'd I think I brought them up to Town And staid till all their Coin was gone Their Needs by this time has bereft 'um Of the bare scent on 't all I left 'um By this time Master has forgot His Mothers Sweet-meats for a Pot And the Pack-rider such another Loves a Girl better than his Mother Being much of a Faculty In general they much agree To scrub all day a Nut-brown Table With all the might as they are able From hence it is that some poor Fellows Have so thin Cloathing at their Elbows In this Opinion I am bold Because the Reason is two-fold For here they spend their Wits and Coin too In getting nothing spend their time too And tho they take so much Delight To make their Landlord's Table bright And wear their Gowns and Elbows out In labouring to bring 't about Seldom their Hostess so befriends 'um To mend or pay the Man that mends ' um Now what will Mothers Hony do Depriv'd of Cloaths and Mony too But send by * Carriers Basset or John Hickman A Line to make his Friends more quick Man That he 's in a most sad Condition Worse I believe than Nick could wish him And that he wants more Mony so He knows not what i' th world to do Hopes they 're well as at this sending He is and so he falls to ending Now if his Friends are poor or witty Enough to fain they 're so or * Close-Fisted Nitty For want of Mony to say truth Most an end makes a hopeful Youth But those who count by Pocket-fulls Empt them together with their Sculls To a Hat-full of Head 't is fair If Brains a Thimble-full be there Enough to practice by a Sample How they may pass for Schollars ample In spight of vacant Heads and Hours Half Gowns are always Seniours So halv'd and jag'd if needs you 'l know If Seniour Soph ' has Govvn or no Looking on 's Shoulders and no lower Perhaps it may be in your power When they 've been there about a Quarter Say half a Year or such a matter Their Friends think it