London-mates passing by his doore and seeing him stand there ask'd him what hee meant to giue ouer his Ale-house at London and come thether he answered To recollect myselfe A poore man trauelling on the way met with a poore Tayler who offred him his sheeres to sell He because it was an easie peniworth gaue him all the mony he had for theÌ„ thinking that the next place he came at he might happily sell them for more So traueilling on his way at last he came to an Ale-house where by chaunce was then a Taylers wife a tippling among her Gossips who seeing his sheeres straight thought he was a Tayler and had him home to her house to dinner And after dinner brought him foorth a peece of cloth to cut out in garmentes He all this while was content tooke the chalke in his hand and began to make and vnmake and countermake a many lines and dashes vpon the cloth and so continued a good space till at last she marueilling therat ask'd him what he did hee answered I measure out how many Sizzers these sheeres will make One asked a plaine fellow whether he could tyle or no hee answered Yea in good houre bee it spoken I haue tyl'd in London A disconteÌ„ted Tayler said to a niggardly Gent. who had abridg'd him a third part of his bill You a Gentil Faith sir no a Iew you are An Artizan fed his Prentise onlie with Liuers and Lightes And being on a day to goe doe a little worke out of towne hee bid his Prentise come after and meet him at such a place Meane time hee went afore and being come to the place appointed there he staid for his Prentise whom at last he might see comming aloose off with a load on his shoulders and being come neer him he marueill'd therat and ask'd him why he brought that great log with him the Prentise answered So many lights haue I eaten that I thought the open country-ayre would haue caried me quite away and therefore did I take this loade vpon me A Scauinger loading a dung-cart by chaunce a Kyte flew ouer him and a Tayler in the next shop seeing it sayd Oh see there sirrha your fellow Scauinger No answered the Scauinger Prick-louse it is a Bussard like you A Gentlewoman fearing to be drown'd said Now Iesu receiue our soules Soft maistresse answered the water-man I trow we are not yet come to that passe A Butcher running after a sheep in the street and crying to the people Stop the sheep stop the sheep An other ran after him and cri'd Stop the theefe stop the theefe A merrie old Artizan seeing a milk-woman passe by his shop and crying fresh Cheese and Creame call'd her to him and tasting to her cream-pot as though he meant to buy drunk it clean off and so deliuer'd her the pot againe saying Get yee gone ye baggage come yee hether to cosen mee with your sowre milke Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by and hee calling him into his shop tooke his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste therof as though hee meant to buy and dranke of it at least a six-pennie draught and so deliur'd him his bottle againe saying I marie this warmes my colde creame well and cheares me at the very heart One asking a Wood-monger whether such a widdowe were not in his debt he answered No truly shee hath alwayes paid me verie vertuously A London-Printer sent his Prentise for a messe of Mustard vvho asking him where he should fetch it he surlie answered In France Very good sir quoth the Prentise And with that he tooke a Mustard-pot in his hand and forth he went to Pâ—llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France he imbark'd therein to France he went vvhere he remain'd the space of almost a yeere At last return'd home again he came that very same day twelue-moneth to his maister and deliuer'd him the foresaid pot-full of Mustard saying Hold here Maister your messe of French Mustard The said Prentise entring by and by after into his maisters Printing-house and finding a Dutch-man there working at the Presse straight stept vnto him and snatching the balles out of his hands gaue him a good cuffe on the eare sayd Why how now Butter-boxe Cannot a man so soon turne his back to fetch his maister a messe of Mustard but you to step straight into his place The end of the fourth part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The Fift part OF IESTERS ONe asked the Marques of Villena his Iester what vertue he thought was in a Turkey stone he answered Marie if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower you to breake your necke and the stone to haue no hurt The Marques of Villena willed his Chamberlaine to giue his Foole Perico de Ayala one of his cloath of golde jerkins and the Chamberlaine deliuer'd him onely the sleeues and the skirts of it The Vice seeing himselfe so deluded went straight to the Father of the Confraternitie of the Court and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Marques of Villena his roomes and will'd him to come fetch away the Coorse foorthwith to buriall The Priest beleeu'd him came thether with a many people attending him not knowing but that he went in very deed for a dead body Passing along the Foole foremost tinckling the bell in his hand as the maner is the Marques hearing the bell look'd out at the windowe and ask'd wherefore they came thether The Vice answered Wee come my Lord for the bodie of the coate you gaue me which I verily suppose is dead because I haue here some principall meÌ„bers of it without which out of doubt it cannot liue The Emperour Charles being priuate on a time in his priuie Chamber accompaned onely with his Iester one Romero de Figueroa a poore Gent. whose small liuing lay vpon the edge of Portugall came and desir'd to speake with his Majestie The Iester told the Emperour thereof who answering Bid him choose some other time for that I am now disposed to be priuate a while No I beseech you Caesar reply'd the Iester let vs haue him in for out of doubt he will els for verie anger put vp all his landes in a basket and flie to Portugall Alonso King of Spaine progressing along the country passed by a great hill in the midst of a plaine which seem'd to haue bin cast vp by the handes of men and asking the cause of it answer was made that in the time of Almanzar a Moore King Cordua was then chiefe towne of all that countrey and hee enjoyn'd the inhabitantes therabout in token of their true alleageance to him euery housholder once a yeere to bring to that place a basket-full of earth which being performed the space of many yeares together rais'd it to that hugenesâ—e as did appeare Then the King asked his Iester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contayned hee answered Making one
natural life of the said Asse And to this effect she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Asse so died Shortly after the Asse died also Then the olde womans sonne who had a colt of the aforesaid asse finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent which he lawfully demanding of the Executors they denyed to deliuer him He thereupon came to a graue Doctor in law to haue his aduise in the case Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter thus resolu'd him viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oates because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother as also his colt to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text which hee concluded he would warrant for good law One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter hauing so good a purse and so great friends The Gent answered If that bee all your hope the more is the pity A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes gaue the Feasant for her cognizance and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law said at the barre in disgrace of her cause that he doubted not ere he had done but he wold throughly plume her Feasant and make it a poore bird The Gentlewoman answered Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme and th' one saide to th' other I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme Not so answered the other rather doe I thinke you haue For your bagges I dare say are so top-full of fees that when you throw them downe vpon the boord they make no sound at all as mine doe Th' other reply'd Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money and you of me in musicke A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giueÌ„ against one And he answered Quod esquilse esquilse viz Quod scripst scripst A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne The Lawyer did it And then hee offred him his sword in payment Wherunto the Lawyer excepted and said Blade me no bladings but giue me good gheult A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes was in a pelting chafe and by chaunce a friend of his comming in and marueilling to see him so teasty The Lawyer sayd I doe but canuasse the errour of this action A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme wading through a brooke the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away And euen as his legges began to faile him he turn'd backe to his boy and said Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine come giue it me quickly The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo tooke an oath according to the prerogatiue of that place to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priuiledges inuiolable which after he had sworn and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record The saide Notarie then said vnto him If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne God blesse you if not God incline your heart that you may and blesse you neuerthelesse A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister and the words went thus Be it known vnto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertaine that I A. B of such a place doe by these presents passe graunt giue and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued And heerat he paused a while to spette Whereat his surlie maister half angrie testie said On on with a mischiefe Then the fellow proceeded and read Namely to you and your heires and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testament in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him which he will'd his executors to take vp and dispose to such and such vses A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him long'd to heare some good newes to that effect and â—aide vnto the Scriuener hagh hagh what saith my vncle now Doth he now make his Maundies No answered the Scriuener he is yet in his demaunds A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling Iew one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney Wherunto the Scriuener answered No they are no mooueables for I dare say they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe The end of the second part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The third Part. OF LOVE AND LOVERS ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse and fearing least she should neglect how sweet it was wrote in a post-script vnderneath I pray you maistresse after you haue read this letter smell to it A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter and she objecting that she was too meanly discended to be wife to so great a Lord as he He answered A more matter is loue then Lordship A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her and at last away he pranced Anon after he came that way again and did as before and so continued a good while At last he departed for good and all and being come home he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page Which the Gentlewoman accepting said vnto the page Now I pray thee my Lad thanke thy maister and tel him that I thought his euening wind would turne to water A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp was demanded by a friend of his whether he went Who answered To practise vpon a sinner in th' act of charitie Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish and it signifieth Celestiall A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina Who answered Your selfe being the Originall what would you doe with the translation Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine Two Gent. came to visit a GentlewomaÌ„ whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together one of them said Lord what a fresh house is this I haue not come in a fresher Th' other answered No marueill for it hath a Fuente in it viz. a fountaine A Gent. had stolne a faire
brabble with one an other th' one demaunding a certaine debt and th' other denying it Wherupon the demandant challenged his faithfull promise made him at such a time for the repay therof Which the other confessed but adjoyn'd withall that that faith full promise was but to amend his faith With that in steps mee a Spaniard an acquaintance of them both and said Being both one peece of cloth how can any amendment be perceiu'd A Iewish Christian being at a banquet in a wood among many Ladies and Gent. a Gammon of Bacon was seru'd to the boord and he to auoid suspition of Iudaisme tasted therof But when the banquet was done he sorted himselfe alone into the thickest of the wood behind a tree forc'd vp all the Bacon againe with a fether out of his stomacke Which being seene by one or two of the companie they all jested at him therfore and call'd him Iew Wherunto he answered No Iew Gentlewomen but thus Assoone as euer the Deuilles saw or smelt so good a relicke as Bacon within my body they straight flue out at my mouth in vomit One call'd a dissembling Iew Turn-coat Wherupon the Iew entred his actiō of slander against him hauing brought it to the issue the partie was cōdemn'd to confesse in open court the slander and withall to pay him a som of mony in consideration Then the partie thus in open Court retracted the slaunder saying I confesse that I haue highly injured maister N. in hauing call'd him Turne-coat for on my conscience I think he is still as errand a Iew as euer he was A Preacher in Spaine perswaded a Moore to Christianitie who seeming conceiptlesse of what was saide vnto him the Preacher said For ought I see my wordes enter in at one eare of you and goe out at the other The Moore answered They neither enter in nor yet goe out One in Queen Maries dayes that had formerly vnder King Henry gotten much by the fall of Abbayes went about to build a Chappell Whereupon a Gent. his Neighbour said that it was like as if one hauing first rauished the mother would afterward pay for the nursing of the child One vs'd to say that it is a merrie world when folk accompt it follie to build a Church One that was a Iewes sonne and passed for a Christian met a Gent. an aduersarie of his a horse-backe he himselfe being also a horse-backe and said vnto him How chanceth it maister N. you ride so weaponlesse to day the other answered Marie because I meane not to kill him vpon the Crosse. One hearing that a Iew had murthered his child said Better be a Iewes hogge by that accompt then his childe For Iewes eat no Hogs-flesh A zealous virgin-Iew in Rome was held in high reuerence among the Israelites there so verie vertuous shee seem'd and chaste in all her carriage But a Florentine found the way by night to her may den-bed and did his deed so throughlie that all her holinesse would no longer conceale it but still swell'd euery day more and more till being at last vtterly detected t' was ten to one that she was not reputed a baggage but in lieu of such infamie so erroneus was the reuerence the Iewes had of her virginity that they perswaded themselues she was verily with child of their Messias And in that errour their Rabins directed their letters and postes vpon posts to all the Iewish Synagogues throughout all Christendom and Greece for certain Elders of euery Synagogue to come vp to the natiuitie of that Babe which accordingly was done Insomuch as during that season Rome was a world of Iewes so confluently they repaired thether from all partes Now marke the end At nine monethes end this Virgin Iew was brought a bed of a Florentine daughter OF ATTIRES AN elder brother was commending his yoonger brothers green cloake and said it became him passing well Th' other answered But a black mourning cloake from you would become me better One wore his shooes garnish'd with cut and vncut fringe and one seeing it said vnto him Weare a maske before your face for shame that the world discouers your pimples One wore a strawe-hat in a strange place and the people flock'd about him all gazing at the noueltie At last a Church-man passed by and pittying to see a stranger so gar'd vpon asked him whether he had any acquaintance thereabout or no who answered Why aske you Marie to th' end quoth he if you haue any he may do well to come and defend you from these beastes least happily they eat vp all your straw and leaue you nere a whit for your supper One seeing a Gentlewoman attyr'd all in white sayd that she had laid her chastity a whiting One wore his cassack-sleeues close girt vnder his girdle one that sawe it said it was like a pinion'd Goose. A Spaniard hauing a Moore slaue let him goe a long time in a poor ragg'd mandilian without sleeues one asking him why he dealt so sleeuelesly with the poore wretch He answered I crop his wings for feare he flie away A Ladie of high calling disguizing her selfe with a vayle accompaned onely with her wayting Gentlewoman went to a Gold-smith to cheapen plate standing at the shop a Gallant chanced to come by who seeing her so and supposing her such a one as would easilie admit conference in loue and leuity began to common and complie with her in that kind But she gaue him a scornfull begone saying See heere vnder this vaile no common garment nor am I as I seeme The Gallant thereat all in a chafe answered Be what you be will and be so attyr'd then or els be as you are attyr'd A Gent. prepar'd himselfe toward a day of tilting and because money fail'd him to furnish him passing braue against the time he was faine to sell a very rich Mandilian that he had saying Whiles others Mandilian themselues toward Tilt I vnmandilian mee A Iester seeing a Gallant weare a little deminitiue bonnet vpon his head with a band to it all to beset with gold buttons sayd Foule befall the Smith that shod yonder Asse so close An vpstart Gallant was attyr'd in Taffeta all ouer figured with flames of fire which a Gent. seeing and knowing his base parentage said to thē in his company Behold yonder strawey Cottage goes in danger of fiering A faire Gentlewoman will'd her seruant on a day of tilting to attire himselfe all in greene which he did And comming into the Tylt-yard so attyr'd Gonzalo Fernandez the great Spanish Captaine knewe him and guessing at his Mistresse and at the cause of his Greene said vnto him If shee knowe you not by your habit giue it her in hand One that for the space of many yeeres together was neuer seene on the holy-dayes other then in one cloake a Gent. thus bejested him saying Nere a holy day but I see clokes but neuer saw I cloake of so many holidayes in all my life A
as thou dealest in this case My setled sences to amaze So all thy bosted benefits Do but bereaue men of their wits to ensuing yls Then so an errand theefe thou art To steale away mens wits by art Aswell as they are murtherers That drowne but willing marriners with their musickes wiles Thou also art a murtherer In giuing men false wings to houer About vntrue felicitie Whereby they fall into the sea of a thousand deathes Thou art that spirit that S. Powle Did feele to wrestle with his soule And pray'd our Lord to set him free From such a peeuish enemie of his wel-wishes The Poets of Gentilitie Haue pen'd downe many a historie How that their gods were turn'd to beastes In executing thy behestes and dishonestie Thou art the excrement of lust Thy first and last is all vniust From lust inrag'd to ill asswag'd So is so endeth thy disparrage and ignominie What louer yet did euer proue Other complement in loue Then lust which euery beast can doe Doing but that that longs thereto euen as well as man So then is it right euident Thou art but a disparagement And all thy grace indignity That so mankind doest beastifie with lustes pollution Oh what a heauie case is it Man for lust to loose his wit And leaue his true Nobility For brute-beastlie carnalitie through thy base instinct King Salomon was passing wise Till loue and lust did him surprise And Sampson that most valiant Iue Was neuer weakened but by you nor in chaines inlinckt As for thy bosted vnitie Troy can witnesse that 's a lie Her ten years warres and latter fall Tels that thou wert cause of all that topsie turuy What Natures consanguinity Deere friendship or affinity Good law or custome doth vnite Thou turn'st to discord and despight through thy scurrility Thou breed'st debate in heretages Bastardizing families â Thou runst to witches and the deuill All to compasse thy foule euill lust and luxurie Thou vsest poysons for to kill And to intoxicate the will Witnesse the Emperour Caligula So vsed by Cesonia t' intice his amitie Rapes and incests are from thee Thou sparest not Vestality Nor any place of priuilege So shamelesse is thy sacrilege and vile presumption There is no iust commandement Nor good obey in Loues intent For Loue and lust preuaricates Awe and reason in all estates with leud confusion And if thou make the miser free It is to buy more misery And if thou make the dotard wise T' is dotage turn'd to Ideotize as dung to durt And if thou make the coward stout It is to compasse filth about His stoutnes is but shamelesnesse To doe and boast his beastlinesse a stout peece of worke If thou remilde the franticke man Thou mak'st him but a tame foole than If kings and Cesars thou subdue What mischiefes doe not then ensue to their common weales Did not King Rodericke of Spaine Count Iulians bed with lust distaine From whence ensu'd 800. yeeres Of Spannish warres altogethers against infidels King Dauids case is scripturall What punishments did him befall And to his people from aboue For his vnlawfull lustie loue with faire Bersabe As for thy vaunted Taylery Thy stillings and perfumerie Thy physicke and thy cookerie All 's but abuse of honesty and traines to foolerie Vpon a bad foundation All building 's desolation No glorious guilt or gallant show Can warrant it from ouerthrow the ground-work failing So nor thy brags can better thee Grounded on Lusts base infamie The mean-worke being passion The top a loath'd fruition after once obtayning Then in like sort is vanitie Thy Court-ship and thy country glee But specially thy priuities And all thy twinfold coplatiues in hugger mugger And where thou prat'st of miracles As fire infus'd in t ' yce-siccles The dead reuiu'd the blind to see And such like cripple trumperie I tell thee brother Such vile effectes are monstrous Not any whit miraculous For miracles are holy-doomes And monsters are all but hel-doomes and imperfections The Deuill I trowe is scandaliz'd To see a seuent-yeere man surpriz'd With Lusts vndue lubricity In those yeares of philosophy and tame fashions But say that Cesar and the sage And cripple age sometimes engage It selfe to lust that argueth Their frailtie and not thy noblenesse the fact being foule Much lesse is heauen beautify'd With any grace from thee deriu'd It being no fleshly creature But of a farre better feature and a better soule Extreame is thy presumption To vaunt so high a function Heauen to be ordered by thee That art earths onlie infamy and high dishonour But as thou art a naked wretch So is' t thy nature to out-stretch Thy limmes to lust thy lips to lies Heauen and earth to scandalize with th' one and th' other Oh that mankind would but refraine His idle and delicious vaine Of liuing then were thy puissance Quite quaild or of pettie mussance to our mortality For but in sâ—oth and daintinesse Raignes thy lustfull wretchednesse Who-euer liueth otherwise Doth vanquish thee and Caesarize or'e all thy villanie Long and helthy liueth he Rich happy and merrily Nor botch nor poxe nor lewd vnrest Doth betide his noble brest in paines and temprance He riots not in gluttony Nor carroling ebriety He skils no brabble nor blasphemes Nor liues by any vngodly meanes but with due maintenance His speech his gesture and attire Represent a stay'd desire No new-fangle forme or fashion Or fantasticall passion taints his discretion His conuersation is vpright Shining through all despight Reason high dominioning All his actions as a king with reputation Reason is an Antelope That lust-full fellowes follow not With peace and order at her heele She guides men to the common-weele of glory and fame She is my lanterne and my light My Land-lady and my tergat bright By her I see to her I fee By her I am defenc'd from thee and from all thy shame She poynts me to a happy Loue Faire and chast in heauen aboue Whose name is holie Charitie Grand-mother of all honesty and of all vertue In which faire loue I see a light Far passing all this worlds delight T' is vertues retribution When death hath done his function which none can eschew Vpon which light and sweet delight Whiles I but newly set my sight Resoluing to attaine thereto By all the good that I can doe what wind blew thee hether To interrupt so deere a thought With thy Loue lust-polluted taulk As though I were some errand foole Doctrinable in thy Schoole and baudy grammer Go get thee gone vnhallowed Elfe And leaue me alone vnto my selfe T' attend my speculation Of th' aforesaid contentation my soule aspires to Loue. Now haue I heard with patience All your chollericke offence And sooth to say there is amisse Somewhat in my blessednesse but I 'le shew you how There is a kind of people that Being one halfe cold th' other hot Know not how to choose the meane But loue in a vitious extreame and so dishonour me Heerhence it