she eat you the candle for you swore first 266. A Gentleman rideing near the Forrest of Whichwood in Oxfordshire ask'd a Fellow what that wood was call'd He said Whichwood Sir Why that wood Whichwood Sir Why that wood I tell thee He still said Whichwood I think says the Gentleman the man is Wood Yes says he I believe one of us is so but I can't tell which 267. In the Rumps time the Troopers kept a Guard in St. Pauls Church and an Essex man coming to town heard that Troop was then upon the Guard which quartered at their town So he went in and found the man that quartered at his house O Landlord says he how de' e By my troth says John I am glad to see this blessed Reformation in London for in our Town we can't get the people to Church but here the verie horses come to church 268. A rich Fool was begg'd by a Lord of the King and the Lord coming to another Noblemans house the Fool saw the picture of a Fool in the hangings which he cut out and being chidden for it answered You have more cause to love me for it for if my Lord hath see the Picture of a Fool in the hangings he may begg them of the King as he did my Lands 269. One being ask'd why he married so little a Wife answered Of all evils the least is to be chosen 270. A poor Fellow came to a Bulk in Cheapside and there he sate But the Apprentice bid him be gone for a lowzie rogue Says he as lowzie as I am I hold five pound I dine with such a Sheriff to day So the wager was laid and he comes to the Sheriffs house and desired to speak with him What 's your business says he Sir an 't please you what is a wedge of gold of half a yard long worth Friend says he I am just going to dinner sit down and I will talk with you after dinner After dinner he ask'd him about the Wedge of Gold Trulie Sir says he I did not tell you I had anie such but onlie I ask'd you What such a one was worth and if ever I find anie such your VVorship shall have the first refusal 271. A Gentleman landing at Rye in Sussex in Queen Elizabeths days and lying long in an Inn with his man could not defray his charges So his man went down to the host and said his master was a Jesuit and he would not stay with him Upon which the Constable was call'd who apprehended him for 't was death then to conceal a Jesuit So the town presentlie paid his charges and brought him safelie up to London and presented him to the Bishop there who presentlie knew the Gentleman and discharged him for he was a verie zealous Protestant only his man and he devised this trick to pay off their Rye-score 272 An Italian Traveller used to say that the Portuguese seems a fool and is so the Spaniard seems wise and is a fool the Frenchman seems a fool but is wise the Englishman is wise but cannot shew it and the Dutchman would be wise but for the pot and the pipe 273. A Gentleman once requested a thing of an unchast Woman No says she for had I an hundred things you should have none of them Well says he but I knew the time when haveing but one thing you let a friend use it 274. One ask'd why men sue always to women and women never to men Because says another women are alwaies readie for men and men not alwaies for women 275. A Doctor in Oxford at his own charges was mending a Causey and a Nobleman rideing by said how now Doctor I see you are mending the High-way but it is not the High-way to Heaven No my Lord says he if it were I should have wondered to have seen your Lordship come this way 276. One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big that five hundred men on horseback might stand under its shade And I for my part says another have seen a Caldron so wide that three hundred men wrought therein each distant from the other twenty yards Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him For what use was that Caldron Says he To boil your Cabbage in 277. A Gentleman coming hungry home call'd for a dinner His man told him it had newlie struck tenâ— Puh says he don't tell me of ten by the Clock when it has struck twelve by my Stomach 278. Pope Sixtus the Fifth was a poor mans Son and his Fathers house was so ill thatcht that the Sun came in at manie places Upon which he would sport with his Nobilitie saying he was the Son of an Illustrious house 279. A Chandler haveing had some Candles stole One bid him be contented for in a short time says he I am confident they 'll all come to light 280 Bishop Bonner told Henrie the eight if he sent him on such a rough Message to the French King he 'd take his head off if he does says the King I 'll take a thousand of his Subjects heads off I Sir says he but I question whether anie of them will fit my shoulders 281. Noy the Lawyer thinking to abuse a Countrey Fellow driveing his Cart ask'd him why his forehorse was so fat and the rest so lean He could not well tell but he thought the forehorse was a Lawyer and the rest his Clients for which conceit he gave him an Angel 282. A Templer going at Christmas into Yorkshire to his Father took some other Templers a long with him and one of the Holydays he would have them to an Ale-house hard by where the woman was deaf So coming thither O my young Master says she I ha'n't seen you this seven years Then he thinking to abuse her drank to her saying here 's to thee and to all the Rogues Whores and Bawds in England She seeing his lips go but hearing him not said Come Sir I 'll pledge you for I know you drink to your Father and your Mother and those good Gentlewomen your Sisters 283. One told his Wife that he heard for certain that they were all counted Cuckolds in their town but one man Who dost think that should be says he Faith says she Husband I cannot think who it is 284. An Oxford Schollar blowing of his fire it seems the nose of the bellows dropt off Faith says he I see 't is cold weather for the nose of the bellows drops 285. A Tenant of the Archbishop of York came to his house to pay some rent and being in the Hall the Bishop came by and ask'd who it was An 't please your worships Honour says he I am come to bring you some rent Then he went into the Parlour and they told the man that he must say An 't please your Grace But the Bishop coming out again he was at An 't please your VVorships Honour They told him he must say Grace Must I so says he then putting his hat before his eyes he said
is harder to be determin'd so great wits being found at this day of all sorts of professions that 't is difficult to judg of which there are most Some prefer Scholastick divines for their nice disputes looking upon it as admirable how mysterious their Philosophie is rendering it intricate by explications and difficult by the aperture and dissolution of distinctions Others the rational Physicians for their discourses and conjectures upon the causes of hidden diseases Others the Mathematicians for their curious searches into heaven it self or the Lawyers who manage their affairs so advantageously above others to their own intrest The third sayd that absolutely speaking there is no quarrer of the world more oriental or occidental than an other these words having been invented only in respect to men themselvs to some of whom one and the same people is oriental and yet occidental to others since the world is round and all the parts of a sphear are of the same nature What differences there are must be taken from somthing els than the four parts of the world more particularly from cold and heat thus they that live under the Poles are of a different complexion both of body and mind from those that are between the Tropicks and according to this difference the inhabitants of the temperate zones must be most ingenious Cold being too much an enemy to life to advance wit and excessive heat burns the humors no less both within and without as the wooly hair and black skin of the nations expos'd to it manifest So that 't is no presumption in nations of a temperate climate to award the preheminence to themselvs in this matter operations of the mind as well as the digestions and other operations of the body requireing a temperate not an excessive heat The fourth spake his sentiments thus Since there are good and bad ingenious and fools in all lands to be the one or the other depends not on the climate heaven from whence the soul descends being a like in all places nor is it likely that professions render men more or less ingenious since those to which people are lead by natural inclination are rather effects than causes of good or bad parts as for those to which we are perswaded or forc'd nothing can be inferr'd from them haveing no affinity with our nature lastly nor doth temper always contribute to render men ingenious since there are some so of all tempers ages and sexes The true cause is the proportion which happens to be between the soul and the body at the first conformation whence the surest signs natural of good or bad parts are taken from the figure of the body chiefly of the head which if sharp never makes a wise man as on the contrary large heads and broad fore-heads are good indications of ingenuity in whomsoever of what ever country vocation and temper they may be But yet sayd Democritus I cannot but hold the lawyers in their way to be the most ingenious of the world for that generally recieved truth which says that what ever hath a begining hath also an end is confuted by them since they render suits immortal and instead of the four causes taught by naturalists they create others without numbet and in spight of the maxim which says there is no Vacuum they make one at lencth in the purses of their cliens Two persons being together in the feild about to leap over a ditch hold says one look before you leap I was just a saying so says the other why then good wits jump says he and so away they leapt Demosthenes with all his oratory and reason could not keep the people from mutinying even while he was speaking at last he bethought himself to divert them with a strange story and 't was this There was a man that hired an ass to carry him a journey and the owner of the ass was to attend him on foot by it so fell out that before the journey was half finished the sun shined so excessively hot that it grew so intollerable to the rider that he was glad to quitt the asses back and betake him to her shadow upon this the owner of the ass withstood him telling him that he must ride on alledging that tho he had hired the body of the ass he had not hired the shadow that was not in the bargain but the owners still much bustle there was between them till at last the contention grew even as hot as the sun it self This diversion prevaled more than all his eloquence beside and appeas'd their anger when his whole oration could not A female Citizen sufficiently ignorant in country affairs being told that malt did not grow ask'd how it came answer was made that the good women in the country spin'd it upon my word sayd she I thought so for one may see the very threds hang out at the end of it There was so great a Sedition at Rome that the common people all left the city retireing from it with a resolution uot to return unless the Senat and the rich citizens would take off the taxes and impositions by which the meaner thought themselvs very much oppres'd Menenius Agrippa an eloquent man was sent to them who with the following Apologue or Fable prevaled more than by all other ways of perswasion whatsoever Upon a time there arose sayd he great strife and sedition amongst the other members of the bodie against the bellie the eyes ears hands feet and tongue all said they each of them performed their several offices to the bodie but the bellie alone doing nothing at all as a king enjoyed their labours and consumed upon it self all those things which were purchased with their sweat and industrie The Bellie could not but confess these things were true and if it pleased them for the time to come they should allow it nothing The Members decreed it among themselvs that nothing should be given to the bellie when this had been for a little time the hands and feet lost their strength and all the other members became dull sick and immoveable so that at last they percieved that the food allowed to the bellie was of as equal advantage to all the rest of the members as to it self and so returned to their former obedience And so did the people of Rome too being hereby sufficientlie sensible that what was reposed in their Magistrates hands did at last tend to the intrest of the common-weal The Gold-smiths of London had a custom once a year to weigh gold in the star-chamber in the presence of the privie council and the Kings Attorney general this solemn weighing by a word of art they call'd the Pixe and made use of so exact scales there in that the master of the companie affirmed that they would turn with the two hundereth part of a grain I should be loath said Attorney Noy that all my actions should be weighed in those scales The King of France being at Calais sent over an
than any discription The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty and simplicity in his Mercer and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in whom he concluded to be left without Garments now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House and there search for this Noble-man and if found to bring him instantly to Court sans all excuse of going any where else This Lord fearing some such design thought any delay dangerous in staying cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer and as an assistance to his disguise he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up which belong'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants who knowing him by his Countenance told him in few words what his Majesty had commanded them and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty he seeing there was no avoiding it went not without great disorder in his thoughts with the Officers The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress fell into such a Laughter that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence The King having laught his sides sore had at last leisure to say how now Cozen whence came you the Nobleman who was very facetious presently replyed from Hell I think an 't please your Majesty for I came from a bottomless pit Indeed said the King by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere You are in the right Sir said the Lord for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil and laid his Damm in short I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth a Friend of mine was in a high Fever and wanted a cooling Clyster and would have Noe one to administer it but my self I pittying her condition in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing and in railery checkt him saying indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband for the time to come forbear such practices if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already for see there a Mercer chang'd into a Lord and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer and so dismist them allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants IT is customary among the Nobility and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies Now there was a Lord shall be at present nameless who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France yet he must forsooth follow the humour of the Countrey now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely consort rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt making no noise and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly she knowing his custome gave him admittance now besides the Mode he had another reason as he said to approve thereof because it lookt so like whoring Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose One of this Lord 's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts Upon a serious consultation with himself he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design in which his Master had visited his Lady about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes All I shall say is That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often that when he went from her he left her all wonder and amazement and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment his Lady begg'd him to forbear urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires what said she Could not you my Lord since you find so great an alteration be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions but that you must again expose your body to the injury of the cold in so short a time again and coming a third time in less than two hours Nay nay sweet-heart this is but twice you wrong me indeed said he To which she replyed That she was not mistaken for assuredly it was so often Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants but kept all close from his Lady for she was a vertuous Gentlewoman to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce Having laid a while in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could he got up and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male servants Chambers that were about him making along as he went a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed for it seems this Lady was well sented There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition becanse besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow but he could not tell which Bed he lay in by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day he took out of his Pocket