what design what interest Can Beast have to encounter Beast They fight for no espoused Cause Frail Priviledge Fundemental Laws Nor for a thorough Reformation Nor Covenant nor Protestation Nor Liberty of Consciences Nor Lords and Commons Ordinances Nor for the Church nor for Church-Lands To get them in their own no Hands Nor evil Counsellors to bring To Justice that seduce the King Nor for the worship of us men Though we have done as much for them Th' Egyptians worshiped Dogs and for Their faith made fierce and zealous War Others ador'd a Rat and some For that Church suffer'd martyrdome The Indians fought for the truth Of th' Elephent and Monkey's Tooth And many to defend that faith Fought it out mordicus to death But no Beasts ever was so slight For Man as for his God to fight They have more wit alas and know Themselves and us better than so But we we only do infuse The Rage in them like Boute-feus 'T is our example that instills In them th' infection of our ills For as some late Philosphers Have well observ'd Beasts that converse With Man take after him as Hogs Get Pigs all th' year and Bitches Dogs Just so by our example Cattle Learn to give one another Battel We read in Nero's time the Heathen When they destroy'd the Christian Brethren They sow'd them in the skins of Bears And then set Dogs about their Ears From whence no doubt th' invention came Of this lewd Antichristian Game To this quoth Ralpho Verily The Point seems very plain to be It is an Antichristian Game Unlawful both in thing and name First for the name The word Bear-baiting Is carnal and of man's creating For certainly there 's no such word In all the Scripture on record Therefore unlawful and a sin And so is secondly the thing A vile Assembly 't is that can No more be prov'd by Scripture than Provincial Classick National Mere humane Creature-Cobwebs all Thirdly it is Idolatrous For when men run a-whoring thus With their Inventions whatsoe'r The thing be whether Dog or Bear 〈◊〉 Idolatrous and Pagan No less than worshiping of Dagon Quoth Hudibras I smell a Rat Ralpho thou dost prevaricate For though the Thesis which thou lay'st Be true ad amussim as thou say'st For that Bear-baiting should appear Jure Divino lawfuller Than Synods are thou dost deny Totidem verbis so do I Yet there 's a fallacy in this For if by fly Homoeosis Thou wouldst Sophistically imply Both are unlawful I deny And I quoth Ralpho do not doubt But Bear-baiting may be made out In Gospel-times as lawful as is Provincial or Parochial Classis And that both are so near of kin And like in all as well as sin That put them in a bag and shake 'em Your self o' th' sudden would mistake 'em And not know which is which unless You measure by their Wickedness For 't is not hard t' imagine whether O' th' two is worst though I name neither Quoth Hudibras Thou offer'st much But art not able to keep touch Mira de lente as 't is i' th' Adage Id est to make a Leek a Cabbage Thou canst at best but overstrain A Paradox and th' own hot brain For what can Synods have at all With Bears that 's analogical Or what relation has debating Of Church-Affairs with Bear-baiting A just comparison still is Of things ejusdem generis And then what Genus rightly doth Include and comprehend them both If Animal both of us may As justly pass for Bears as they For we are Animals no less Although of different Specieses But Ralpho this is no fit place Nor time to argue out the Case For now the Field is not far off Where we must give the world a proof Of Deeds not Words and such as suit Another manner of Dispute A Controversy that affords Actions for Arguments â—ot Words Which we must manage at a rate Of Prowess and Conduct adaequate To what our place and fame doth promise And all the godly expect from us Nor shall they be deceiv'd unless W' are slurr'd and outed by success Success the mark no mortal wit Or surest hand can always hit For whatsoe're we perpetrate We do but row w' are steer'd by Fate Which in sâ—ccess oft disinherits For spurious causes noblest merits Great Actions are not always true Sons Of great and mighty Resolutions Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth Events still equal to their worth But sometimes fail and in their stead Fortune and Cowardise succeed Yet we have no great cause to doubt Our actions still have born us out Which though th' are known to be so ample We need no copy from example We ' are not the only person durst Attempt this Province nor the first In Northern Clime a valorous Knight Did whilom kill his Bear in fight And wound a Fidler we have both Of these the objects of our wroth And equal Fame and Glory from Th' Attempt or Victory to come 'T is sung There is a valiant Mamaluke In forreign Land yclep'd To whom we have been oft compar'd For Person Parts Address and Beard Both equally reputed stout And in the same Cause both have fought He oft in such Attempts as these Came off with glory and success Nor will we fail in th' execution For want of equal Resolution Honor is like a Widow won With brisk Attempt and putting on With entring manfully and urging Not slow approaches like a Virgin This said as once the Phrygian Knight So ours with rusty steel did smite His Trojan Horse and just as much He mended pace upon the touch But from his empty stomach groan'd Just as that hollow Beast did sound And angry answer'd from behind With brandish'd Tail and blast of Wind. So have I seen with armed heel A Wight bestride a Common-weal While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd The less the sullen Jade has stirr'd The ARGUMENT of The SECOND CANTO The Catalogue and Character Of th' Enemies best Men of War Whom in a bold Harangue the Knight Defy's and challenges to fight H' incounters Talgol routs the Bear And takes the Fidler Prisoner Conveys him to enchanted Castle There shuts him fast in Wooden Bastile CANTO II. THere was an ancient sage Philosopher That had read Alexander Ross over And swore the World as he could prove Was made of Fighting and of Love Just so Romances are for what else Is in them all but Love and Battles O' th' first of these w' have no great matter To treat of but a World o' th' latter In which to do the injur'd Right We mean in what concerns just fight Certes our Authors are to blame For to make some well sounding name A Pattern fit for modern Knights To copy out in Frays and Fights Like those that a whole streat do raze To build a Palace in the place They never care how many others They kill without regard of Mothers Or Wives or Children so they can Make up some fierce dead-doing
more they stir the more th're tangled And while their Purses can dispute There 's no end of th' immortal Suit Others still gape t' anticipate The Cabinet designs of Fate Apply to Wisards to fore-see What shall and what shall never be And as those Vulturs do foreboad Believe Events prove bad or good A flam more sensless than the Roguery Of old Auruspicy and Augury That out of Garbages of Cattle Presag'd th' events of Truce or Battle From flight of Birds or Chickins pecking Success of great'st attempts would reckon Though Cheats yet more intelligible Than those that with the Stars do fribble This Hudibras by proof found true As in due time and place we 'll shew For He with Beard and Face made clean Being mounted on his Steed agen And Ralpho got a Cock-horse too Upon his Beast with much ado Advanc'd on for the Widows house T' acquit himself and pay his Vows When various thoughts began to bustle And with his inward man to justle He thought what danger might accrue If she should find he swore untrue Or if his Squire or he should fail And not be punctual in their Tale It might at once the ruine prove Both of his Honor Faith and Love But if he should forbear to go She might conclude h 'had broke his Vow And that he durst not now for shame Appear in Court to try his Claim This was the Pen'worth of his thought To pass time and uneasie trot Quoth he in all my past Adventures I ne'er was set so on the Tenters Or taken tardy with Dilemma That every way I turn does hem me And with inextricable doubt Besets my puzled Wits about For though the Dame has been my Bail To free me from enchanted Jail Yet as a Dog committed close For some offence by chance breaks loose And quits his Clog but all in vain He still draws after him his Chain So though my Ankle she has quitted My Heart continues still committed And like a Bayl'd and Mainpriz'd Lover Although at large I am bound over And when I shall appear in Court To plead my Cause and answer for 't Unless the Judge do partial prove What will become of Me and Love For if in our account we vary Or but in Circumstance miscarry Or if she put me to strict proof And make me pull my Doublet off To shew by evident Record Writ on my skin I 've kept my word How can I e'er expect to have her Having demurr'd unto her favour But Faith and Love and Honor lost Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post Beside that Stripping may prevent What I'm to prove by Argument And justifie I have a Tail And that way too my proof may fail Or that I could enucleate And solve the Problems of my Fate Or find by Necromantick Art How far the Dest'nies take my part For if I were not more than certain To win and wear her and her Fortune I 'd go no farther in this Courtship To hazard Soul Estate and Worship For though an Oath obliges not Where any thing is to be got As thou hast prov'd yet 't is profane And sinful when men swear in vain Quoth Ralph Not far from hence doth dwell A cunning man hight Sidrophel That deals in Destinies dark Counsels And sage Opinions of the Moon sells To whom all People far and near On deep importances repair When Brass and Pewter hap to stray And Linnen slinkt out of the way When Geese and Pullen are seduc'd And Sows of sucking Pigs are chews'd When Cattle feel Indisposition And need th' opinion of Physitian When Murrain reigns in Hogs or Sheep And Chickens languish of the Pip When Yeast and outward means do fail And have no pow'r to work on Ale When Butter does refuse to come And Love proves cross and humorsome To him with Questions and with Vrine They for discov'ry flock or Curing Quoth Hudibras This Sidrophel I've heard of and should like it well If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom To go to Sorc'rers when they need ' em Says Ralpho There 's no doubt of that Those Principles I quoted late Prove that the Godly may alledge For any thing their Priviledge And to the Dev'l himself may go If they have motives thereunto For as there is a War between The Dev'l and them it is no Sin If they by subtle Stratagem Make use of him as he does them Has not this present Parliament A Legar to the Devil sent Fully empower'd to Treat about Finding revolted Witches out And has not he within a year Hang'd Threescore of them in one Shire Some only for not being drown'd And some for sitting above ground Whole days and Nights upon their breeches And feeling pain were hang'd for Witches And some for putting Knavish tricks Upon Green-Geese and Turkey Chicks Or Pigs that suddenly deceast Of griefs unnat'ral as he guest Who after prov'd himself a Witch And made a Rod for his own breech Did not the Dev'l appear to Martin Luther in Germany for certain And would have gull'd him with a Trick But Mart. was too too Politick Did he not help the Dutch to purge At Antwerp their Cathedral Church Sing catches to the Saints at Mascon And tell them all they came to ask him Appear in divers shapes to Kelly And speak i' th' Nun at Londons Belly Meet with the Parliament's Committee At Woodstock on a Pars'nal Treaty At Sarum take a Cavalier I' th' Cause's service Prisoner As Withers in immortal Rime Has register'd to after-time Do not our great Reformers use This Sidrophel to foreboad News To write of Victories next Year And Castles taken yet i' th' Air Of Battels fought at Sea and Ships Sunk two Years hence the last Eclips A Total O'erthrow giv'n the King In Cornwal Horse and Foot next Spring And has not he point-blank foretold Whats'er the close Committee would Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause The Moon for Fundamental Laws The Ram and Bull and Goat declare Against the Book of Common Pray'r The Scorpion take the Protestation And Bear engage for Reformation Made all the Royal Stars recant Compound and take the Covenant Quoth Hudibras The case is clear The Saints ma' imploy a Conjurer As thou hast prov'd it by their practice No Argument like matter of Fact is And we are best of all led to Mens Principles by what they do Then let us strait advance in quest Of this profound Gymnosophist And as the Fates and He advise Pursue or wave this Enterprise This said he turn'd about his Steed And estsoons on th' adventure rid Where leave we Him and Ralph a while And to the Conj'rer turn our stile To let our Reader understand What 's useful of him before hand He had been long t'wards Mathematicks Opticks Philosophy and Staticks Magick Horoscopy Astrology And was old Dog at Physiology But as a Dog that turns the spit Bestirs himself and plies his feet To climb the Wheel but all in vain His own weight
him at their mercy They put him to the Cudgel fiercely As if they scorn'd to trade and barter By giving or by taking Quarter They stoutly on his Quarters laid Until his Scouts came in t' his aid For when a Man is past his Sense There 's no way to reduce him thence But twindging him by th' Ears or Nose Or laying on of heavy Blows And if that will not doe the Deed To burning with Hot Irons proceed No sooner was he come t' himself But on his Neck a sturdy Elf Clapp'd in a trice his cloven Hoof And thus attack'd him with Reproof Mortal thou art betray'd to us B' our Friend thy evil Genius Who for thy horrid Perjuries Thy Breach of Faith and turning Lies The Brethrens Privilege against The Wicked on themselves the Saints Has here thy wretched Carcass sent For just Revenge and punishment Which thou hast now no way to lessen But by an open free Confession For if we catch thee failing once T will fall the heavier on thy Bones What made thee venture to betray And filch the Ladie 's Heart away To Spirit her to Matrimony That which contracts all Matches Money It was th' inchantment of her Riches That made m' apply t' your Croney Witches That in return would pay th' expence The Wear-and-tear of Conscience Which I could have patch'd up and turn'd For th' hundredth part of what I earn'd Didst thou not love her then speak true No more quoth he than I love you How wouldst th' have us'd her and her Money First turn'd her up to Alimony And laid her Dowry out in Law To null her Jointure with a Flaw Which I before-hand had agreed T' have put of purpose in the Deed And bar her Widow's-making-over T' a Friend in Trust or private Lover What made thee pick and chuse her out T' imploy their Sorceries about That which makes Gamesters play with those Who have least Wit and most to lose But didst thou scourge thy Vessel thus As thou hast damn'd thy self to us I see you take me for an Ass 'T is true I thought the Trick would pass Vpon a Woman well enough As 't has been often found by Proof Whose Humours are not to be won But when they are impos'd upon For Love approves of all they doe That stand for Candidates and wooe Why didst thou forge those shameful Lies Of Bears and Witches in Disguise That is no more than Authours give The Rabble credit to Believe A Trick of Following their Leaders To entertain their Gentle Readers And we have now no other way Of passing all we doe or say Which when 't is natural and true Will be believ'd b' a very few Beside the danger of offence The fatal enemy of Sense Why didst thou chuse that cursed Sin Hypocrisie to set up in Because it is the thriving'st calling The onely Saints-Bell that rings all in In which all Churchâ—s are concern'd And is the easiest to be learn'd For no degrees unless th' imploy't Can ever gain much or enjoy 't A Gift that is not onely able To domineer among the Rabble But by the Law 's impowr'd to rout And aw the greatest that stand out Which few hold forth against for fear Their hands should slip and come too near For no Sin else among the Saints Is taught so tenderly against What made thee break thy Plighted Vows That which makes others break a House And hang and scorn ye all before Endure the Plague of being poor Quoth he I see you have more Tricks Than all our doting Politicks That are grown old and out of Fashion Compar'd with your new Reformation That we must come to School to you To learn your more refin'd and New Quoth he If you will give me leave To tell you what I now perceive You 'ld find your self an arrant Chouse If y' were but at a Meeting-House 'T is true Quoth he we ne'r come there Because w' have let them out by th' year Truely quoth he you can't imagine What wondrous things they will engage in That as your Fellow-Fiends in Hell Were Angels all before they fell So you are like to be agen Compar'd with th' Angels of us Men. Quoth he I am resolv'd to be Thy Scholar in this Mystery And therefore first desire to know Some Principles on which you go What makes a Knave a Child of God And one of us A Livelihood What renders Beating out of Brains And Murther Godliness Great Gains What 's tender Conscience 'T is a Botch That will not bear the gentlest touch But breaking out dispatches more Then th' Epidemical'st Plague-sore What makes y' encroach upon our Trade And damn all others To be paid What 's Orthodox and true Believing Against a Conscience A good Living What makes Rebelling against Kings A Good Old Cause Administrings What makes all Doctrines plain and clear About Two hundred pounds a year And that which was prov'd true before Prove false again Two hundred more What makes the Breaking of all Oaths A holy Duty Food and Cloaths What Laws and Freedom Persecution B'ing out of Pow'r and Contribution What makes a Church a Den of Thieves A Dean and Chapter and White Sleeves And what would serve if those were gone To make it Orthodox Our own What makes Morality a Crime The most notorious of the Time Morality which both the Saints And Wicked too cry out against ' Cause Grace and Vertue are within Prohibited Degrees of Kin And therefore no true Saint allows They should be suffer'd to espouse For Saints can need no Conscience That with Morality dispense As Vertue 's impious when 't is rooted In nature onel ' and not imputed But why the Wicked should do so We neither know nor care to do What 's Liberty of Conscience I' th' Natural and Genuine Sense 'T is to restore with more security Rebellion to its ancient Purity And Christian Liberty reduce To th' elder Practice of the Jews For a Large Conscience is all one And signifies the same with None It is enough quoth he for once And has repriev'd thy forfeit Bones Nick Machiavel had ne'r a Trick Though he gave's Name to our Old Nick But was below the least of these That pass i' th' World for Holiness This said the Furies and the Light In th' instant vanish'd out of sight And left him in the dark alone With stinks of Brimstone and his own The Queen of Night whose large Command Rules all the Sea and half the Land And over moist and crazy Brains In high Spring-tides at Midnight reigns Was now declining to the West To go to Bed and take her rest When Hudibras whose stubborn Blows Deny'd his Bones that soft repose Lay still expecting worse and more Stretch'd out at length upon the Floor And though he shut his Eyes as fast As if h 'had been to sleep his last Saw all the Shapes that Fear or Wizards Do make the Devil wear for Vizards And pricking up his Ears to hark If he could hear
'T is true quoth he that intercourse Has past between your Friends and ours That as you trust us in our way To raise your Members and to lay We send you others of our own Denounc'd to Hang themselves or Drown Or frighted with our Oratory To leap down headlong many a story Have us'd all means to propagate Your mighty interests of State Laid out our Spiritual Gifts to further Your great designs of Rage and Murther For if the Saints are nam'd from Blood We onel ' have made that Title good And if it were but in our power We should not scruple to do more And not be half a Soul behind Of all Dissenters of Mankind Right quoth the Voice and as I scorn To be ungratefull in return Of all those kind good Offices I 'll free you out of this Distress And set you down in safety where It is no time to tell you here The Cock crows and the Morn draws on When 't is decreed I must be gone And if I leave you here till day You 'l find it hard to get away With that the Spirit grop'd about To find th' inchanted Hero out And try'd with haste to lift him up But found his Forlorn Hope his Croop Unserviceable with Kicks and Blows Receiv'd from hardned-hearted Foes He thought to drag him by the Heels Like Gresham Carts with Legs for Wheels But Fear that soonest cures those Sores In danger of Relapse to worse Came in t' assist him with its Aid And up his sinking Vessel weigh'd No sooner was he fit to trudge But both made ready to dislodge The Spirit hors'd him like a Sack Upon the Vehicle his Back And bore him headlong into th' Hall With some few Rubs against the Wall Where finding out the Postern lock'd And th' Avenues as strongly block'd H'attack'd the Window storm'd the Glass And in a moment gain'd the Pass Through which he dragg'd the worsted Souldiers Fore-quarters out by th' Head and Shoulders And cautiously began to scout To find their Fellow-Cattel out Nor was it half a Minute's Quest E're he retriev'd the Champion's Beast Ty'd to a Pale in stead of Rack But ne'r a Saddle on his Back Nor Pistols at the Saddle-bow Convey'd away the Lord knows how He thought it was no time to stay And let the Night too steal away But in a trice advanc'd the Knight Upon the Bare Ridge bolt upright And groping out for Ralpho 's Jade He found the Saddle too was straid And in the place a Lump of Sope On which he speedily leap'd up And turning to the Gate the Rein He Kick'd and Cudgell'd on amain While Hudibras with equal haste On both sides laid about as fast And spurr'd as Jockies use to break Or Padders to secure a Neck Where let us leave them for a time And to their Churches turn our Rhyme To hold forth their declining State Which now come near an Even Rate THE ARGUMENT OF THE SECOND CANTO Of the Third Part. The Saints engage in fierce Contests About their Carnal Interests To share their Sacrilegious Preys According to their Rates of Grace Their various Frenzies to Reform When Cromwel left them in a Storm Till in th' Effigie of RUMPS the Rabble Burns all their Grandees of the Cabal CANTO II. THE Learned write An Insect Breeze Is but a Mungrel Prince of Bees That falls before a Storm on Cows And stings the Founders of his House From whose corrupted Flesh that Breed Of Vermine did at first proceed So e'r the Storm of War broke out Religion spawn'd a various Rout Of Petulant Capricious Sects The Maggots of Corrupted Texts That first run all Religion down And after every Swarm its own For as the Persian Magi once Upon their Mothers got their Sons Who were incapable t' injoy That Empire any other way So Presbyter begot the other Upon the Good Old Cause his Mother That bore them like the Devil's Dam Whose Son and Husband are the same And yet no nat'ral Tie of Blood Nor Intr'est for their common good Could when their Profits interfear'd Get Quater for each other's Beard For when they thriv'd they never fadg'd But onely by the ears engag'd Like Dogs that snarl about a Bone And play together when th' have none As by their truest Characters Their constant Actions plainly appears Rebellion now began for lack Of Zeal and Plunder to grow slack The Cause and Covenant to lessen And Providence to b' out of Season For now there was no more to purchase O' th' Kings Revenue and the Churche's But all divided shar'd and gone That us'd to urge the Brethren on Which forc'd the Stubborn'st for the Cause To cross the Cudgels to the Laws That what by breaking them 't had gain'd By their Support might be maintain'd Like Thieves that in a Hemp-plot lie Secur'd against the Hue-and-Cry For Presbyter and Independent Were now turn'd Plaintiff Defendant Laid out their Apostolick Functions On Carnal Orders and Injunctions And all their Precious Gifts and Graces On Out-lawries and Scire facias At Michael ' s Term had many a Trial Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael Where thousands fell in shape of Fees Into the Bottomless Abyss For when like Brethren and Friends They came to share their Dividends And ev'ry part'ner to possess His Church and State Joynt-Purchases In which the Ablest Saint and Best Was nam'd in Trust by all the rest To pay their Money and instead Of ev'ry Brother pass the Deed He straight converted all his Gifts To pious Frauds and holy Shifts And settled all the others Shares Upon his outward Man and 's Heirs Held all they claim'd as Forfeit Lands Deliver'd up into his hands And past upon his Conscience By Pre-intail of Providence Impeach'd the rest for Reprobates That had no Titles to Estates But by their Spiritual Attaints Degraded from the Right of Saints This being reveal'd they now begun With Law and Conscience to fall on And laid about as hot and Brain-sick As th'Vtter Barrister of Swanswick Ingag'd with Money-bags as bold As men with Sand-bags did of old That brought the Lawyers in more Fees Than all unsanctifi'd Trustees Till he who had no more to show I' th' Case receiv'd the overthrow Or both sides having had the worst They parted as they met at first Poor Presbyter was now Reduc'd Secluded and Cashier'd and Chews'd Turn'd out and Excommunicate From all Affairs of Church and State Reform'd t' a Reformado Saint And glad to turn Itinerant To strowl and teach from Town to Town And those he had taught up Teach down And make those Uses serve agen Against the New-inlight'ned men As fit as when at first they were Reveal'd against the Cavalier Damn Anabaptist and Fanatick As pat as Popish and Prelatick And with as little variation To serve for any Sect i' th' Nation The Good Old Cause which some believe To be the Dev'l that tempted Eve With Knowledge and does still invite The World to Mischief with New Light Had store of