prayed thus O my creator thou seest how it is with mee Thy goodnesse is most wonderfull my wickednesse is most vncurable and vnsufferable O make a speedie end of my sin which way soeuer it pleaseth thee blessed for euermore be thy Name Amen The morrow I straggled not abroad but mine affections were very vnruly yea and that which is strange I could not frame my mind to take any deep conceit of the wickednesse of mine heart Thus it is when a mans heart is setled in the loue of any euill he is not able to thinke so of it as it is Friday the first of Iuly I dined with a guest a learned friend of mine who tooke occasion to speake somewhat sharpely against Precisians This I thought he did the rather because some informed him that I was too familiar with such people Therefore to satisfie both that minister all others whom it may concerne I most humbly craue the benefit of modest libertie to speake without offence what my poore soule in the sight of God thinketh touching this diuision It hath bin a meanes of great aduantage both to Poperie prophanenesse yea this wretchednes is caused by it Vpon either side diuerse haue nothing else to commend them but only this that they are of that side yea and the side is glad to make vse of them Is it not a lamentable case that some appeare to haue almost no conscience but against ceremonies others none but for ceremonies The Precisian doth in my conscience not without great cause crie out against ignorant idle and prophane ministers But where is the fault The coast had been well cleared by this time of the daie had not Satan caused church-gouernment to be both by way of sobernes and in the fashion of maddenes verie fiercely assailed But to what end to reforme the Church No to deforme it This is my beleefe concerning Church-gouernment Can any man truely say Such a lord Bishop doth not seeke his own worldly commoditie but the edifying of his Diocesse and the glory of Iesus Christ Doth it euidently appeare that his whole bent is in the diligent discharge of his office to approoue himselfe vnto God and vnto euery conscience of men in the sight of God Then will I conclude vpon my soules perill There is the Apostolicall Church-gouernement of Iesus Christ If any such there be who cannot in some good measure be truely so reported of the calamitie is great the iudgement very fearfull Yet because of personall faults to destroy a diuine ordinance and bring in confusion the calamitie would be greater the iudgement more fearefull Indeede Church-discipline is not reuerenced for want of holy seuerity The punishment of fornication and adulterie c. is little else but large fees A filthie gaine fie vpon it I would intreat leaue to speake once more Touching the ministerie besides what I haue by the way signified already I humbly pray great Schollers and all that seeke after riches and advancement in the Church to ponder these my words The Gospel of the Sonne of God must and will first throwe downe Pride and Couetousnes before it worke an vniuersall good in this kingdome Those two great sins cannot be vpheld any way but only by Popery for they must be accompanied with a superstitious conceit that pomp is religion which when all haue said what they can say the Gospel wil not endure So I haue done The same friday after that I had dined it came into my mind to goe into the towne as formerly I had done But I felt in mine heart no desire to goe Therefore comming into my chamber I beganne to wonder at my selfe what should aile me fearing least some secret deadlinesse had seazed vpon mine heart At last I brake out into these words Whatsoeuer is the cause blessed be the name of God O good Lord let whatsoeuer come vpon me so that my spirit may be setled in this disposition And I shall be bound to praise thee most ioyfully for euermore Amen That day I kept my selfe within and the morrow and the Sabbath day hauing gotten one to supply my place All the next weeke I continued so and the Sabbath following my place beeing supplied by one preacher in the forenoone and an other in the afternoone Wednesday the thirteenth of Iuly I still keeping within prayed thus O most holy and dreadfull Lord God with what face can so hainous a sinner as I am dare to speake vnto thy most glorious Maiestie or be so bold to aske any thing of thee Thy most wonderfull goodnesse emboldeneth me And yet still me thinkes I am past grace because sinne doth so abound in me O Lord my sinnes are as the sand of the sea vnnumberable therefore my soule must needs be thorougly and thoroughly stained for euery sinne so often as it is yeelded vnto worketh a black blemish into my soule Woe is me my soule is wholly ouerrun with a most foule filthy leprosie This is all my comfort that thy seruant saith Rom. 5.20 Where sinne abounded grace did much more abound The more deadly the disease the more soueraign the medicine the more excellēt the Physitian that cureth it O God thou art able to doe whatsoeuer powerfull work thou wilt yea thou canst do infinitly more then thou wilt But here is the greatest wonder that thou shouldest vouchsafe to worke a most admirable cure vpon him vnto whom thou mayest most iustly say Away from me thou most damnable sinner Away out of my light I will not pardon thee because thou hast most grieuously displeased and vnpardonably dishonoured me in breaking the lawes of my kingdome in refusing my proffered grace in taking vpon thee to be a preacher of my righteousnes and denying the power therof Yet blessed Lord so long as the Iudge doth not giue order that the condemned prisoner bee taken from the barre the poor wretch cries for his precious life saying Mercie good my Lord Iudge mercie for Iesus Christs sake The name Iesus with an earthly Christian Iudge cannot but be of great force must needs mooue him very much for it is the name of his deare Sauiour the onely name whereby he trusteth to be saued But of all and aboue all the name Iesus is most precious in thy sight beeing not superstitiously parrated but mournfully presented vnto thee Therefore though a thousand thousand seuerall inditements be found against me and though the lawes of thy kingdome do condemne me yet seeing that it is thy good pleasure to suffer me to stand in thy presence and not to bee taken out of this world I crie vnto thee saying Mercie Lord God almighty mercie for thine onely begotten Sonnes sake Iesus Christ God man crucified for the loue of him blessed Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Amen Towards euening I being punished with the hotte passage of my water painfulnesse about the left kidnie and burning of the right foote was much afraid of a deadly
but also traiterously inclined The ioyning of Gods mercy and iustice together is thus First it pleased him to be mercifull vnto such and such Exod. 33.19 Secondly he appointed that they vnto whō he purposed to shew mercy should be ioyned by the holy Ghost vnto his onely Son who for that purpose was at such a time to take vnto him a body and a soule and so being both God and man after a most holy and guiltlesse life to suffer a cruell death to purchase for them the forgiuenesse of sinnes and cleansement from their wicked inclination Tit. 2.14 God is blessed fully blessed exceedingly blessed He that is fully blessed hath freedom from all manner of things which may giue him any discontent and not onely so but also wanteth nothing that may content or delight him Such is the blessednesse of Gods chosen seruants not in this world but in heauen for the Bible saith they are blessed which die in the faith and fauour of the Lord that so they may rest from their labours and their works follow them Reu. 14.13 Their resting from labours is their freedome from all causes of discontent Their works following them is the crown of euerlasting contentment giuen vnto them in regard of their workes and farre surpassing all possible merit in them This blessednes God giueth vnto his Saints The blessednes which he hath in himselfe differeth from this not onely as the cause from the effect but also in two other speciall points First God hath his blisse of himselfe and therefore it is said of him that he onely hath immortalitie that is absolute and necessarie freedome from death 1. Tim. 6.16 Also of him it is said that he hath the well of life Psal 36.9 that is to say hee is the very first cause of life and of all perfection Secondly the blessednes of God is beyond all measure most exceedingly exceeding for as his vnderstanding is infinit that is endlesse so are all his perfections If God be most exceedingly blessed why doe we oftentimes say Blessed be God as though wee wished blessednesse vnto him We doe praise and magnifie his blessednes in minde and in word by acknowledging and publishing the same yea and the party that heartily loueth God is so full of good will towards him that he cannot but wish that if it were possible God might bee a thousand thousand times more happie and blessed then he is And such is the most honourable and gracious kindnes of God that he taketh this wish in verie good part So the great men of this world accept the good will of their poore friends God is glorious Glorie is properly the goodly shewe seeming sight or appearance of any thing It also many times signifieth the famous report of some notable goodnesse In both these meanings glorie is a title most proper vnto God Touching goodly shew the glorie of God appeareth two wayes in himselfe and in his workes In God himselfe there is such a shining excellent maiestie that the very angels are not able to endure the full appearance thereof as we may perceiue by the vision of the Prophet Esay who did see certaine verie glorious angels before the face of God couering their faces Esa 6.2 In all and euery of Gods workes appeareth a shew of some one or more of his excellent properties as of wisedome power iustice mercy c. Esa 6.3 The whole earth is full of his glorie Therefore S. Paul saith the very heathen people knewe God by his works because his eternall power and diuine properties do in his works by the creation of the world euidently appeare Rom. 1. ver 20. Hee whose port is truely glorious is worthy of a glorious report and that principally is our Lord God of whose most stately port and royall behauiour there is a notable report Psal 104.1 Blesse thee Lord O my soule O Lord my God thou art verie great thou art cloathed with honour and maiestie c. God appearing in his works so gloriously our dutie is to take knowledge of his glorie and to do what we can to make the same knowne vnto others One great cause of vndeuotion and coldnes in religion is the not considering of Gods works specially that most admirable worke of redemption manifested in the Gospel Psal 107.43 Whosoeuer is wise and will marke these things euen they shall vnderstand the louing kindnes of the Lord. 2. Cor. 3.18 But we all with open face beholding as in a glasse the glorie of the Lord are changed into the same likenes from glory to glorie euen as by the spirit of the Lord. 2. Cor. 4.6 For God who commanded the light to shine out of darkenes hath shined in our hearts to giue the light of the knowledge of the glorie of God in the face of Iesus Christ How shall wee make the glorie of God knowne vnto others Two waies First by the holynesse of our life that so others may see the glorious working of Gods grace in vs Matth. 5.16 Secondly by the due praising of God that others may heare the report of his glorious acts and doings Psas 145.12 To make knowne vnto the sonnes of men his mightie acts and the glorious maiestie of his kingdome It is a question whether such professed Christians and specially Church-ministers as haue by open prophanenes or any vnholy behauiour blemished the glory of God be not bound to make open cōfession that so what in them is they may salue and remedie the wide wounds which they haue giuen vnto the doctrine and religion of God and Christ My iudgement in this point shall I trust in God appeare by my practise both in this booke and also in the residue of my life In the meane time this I professe my poore soule doth vehemently desire to giue glorie vnto God in the reuengefull abasing of my selfe for the greiuous displeasure great dishonour which I haue all my life long caused and done vnto his most holy maiestie Thus much of the name Iehouah the Lord. Thy God c. The language wherein God spake these words readeth thus thy Gods as speaking of more then one This whatsoeuer the poore Iewes say to the contrary sheweth that in God there are more persons then one which persons how many and who they are the good Lord Iesus beeing one of them doth plainly shew in saying vnto his disciples Matth. 28.19 teach all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Sonne and of the holy Ghost The first person is the Father who begetteth the Sonne O most marueilous begetting the Sonne is as olde as the Father the Sonne hath the very selfe-same nature and substance with his Father yea Ioh. 14.10 hee is within his Father and his Father is within him The second person in the godhead is the Sonne who is begotten of the Father as a word is begotten of a mans mind and therfore he is sometime called the Word as also because he maketh the Father and the
no wisedome nor safetie in so doing Fourthly though in purposing to speake this or that your mind be very vpright yet make carefull choise of words and phrase for that which beeing vttered one way can not be ill taken may in an other sute of words seeme very harsh and be likely to do more harme then good O for a mortified minister Hee will not speake thus and thus because hee will but so and so because hee is willed This if I mistake not may bee called the meekenesse of wisedome which whatsoeuer any man can say to the contrarie doth most befit a minister of the Gospel specially in these latter daies wherein naturall corruption taketh vpon it to bee zealous and precise for Gods glory You neede not aske mee whether in that my great danger I vowed vnto God a strict reformation of life I did indeed But when my danger was ouer I performed not my vow Now I must fetch a compasse backe againe to speake of my diseases and of some troubles withall My bodie hath beene windie and rheumatike from my childhood by a naturall distemper as I take it of my liuer the hotenesse whereof hath caused much euill vnto mee In the winter sixe hundred and sixe I then beeing Curate of Southfleet in Kent after an extreame cough did sensibly perceiue blindnesse entred into mine eies for diuerse moates seemed to flie before mee which way soeuer I turned my sight yea and specially before my right eye a thing in fashion of a kind of chaine sometime folded or turned diuerse waies and sometime at length What infirmitie in the eie causeth this appearance let learned Physitians iudge Thus it hath all this while been with mee increasing more and more so that now I haue much adoe to write or to read and am forced to hold my eyes and the booke very neere together The next winter after in the great frost I was taken with a windie disease in the lower part of my breast which so grieuously vexed mee that I looked for nothing but death In the very extremitie of this painfulnesse Doctor Barlow then Bishop of Rochester who not long before by the death of Mr. Winter came to haue the Parsonage of Southfleet where I was Curat beeing by some thorough mine owne vndiscretion incensed against mee tooke an occasion to put mee out of the Curatship About that time I did set forth a little booke called The burthen of a loaden conscience Which hath occasioned many heauie burthens to be laid vpon mee by those whose holinesse is knowne vnto God and not vnto mee a many precise folke that know not other mens hearts howsoeuer they know their owne Mine old kind Schoole-fellow Mr. William Eyre fellow in Emanuel Colledge who twise before had beene my refuge vnder God vnderstanding that I was without place did by meanes of Mr. Iohn Cotton fellow in the same college help mee to the Curateship of S. Alkmunds in Derby of Derbyshier There I was a yeare and a quarter very louingly vsed My stipend was fully so much as euer before Also M. Robert Bate of little Chester gaue mee my dyet and lodging all that time his wife a vertuous woman now in heauen hauing a verie tender care of me because of my sickenes Vnwisely I left that place and put my selfe into a world of trouble by taking the Curateship of Alhallowes in the same towne In this great and burdenous charge I haue now beene almost fiue yeares During this time my windie disease together with a faintnesse grew so vpon me that I fell into diuerse deadly fits of the cholike not onely in cold weather but in the heate of summer Now I come to tell you of intolerable torments Grauell hath bred in me from my youth and oftentimes I was pained with it whereupon I vsed to take a great deale of small drinke and so auoided it I remember that my worshipfull friend M. Richard Sedly of Southfleete said once vnto me What will you do when your stomacke cannot receiue so much drinke Ah gentle M. Sedly the time is now come and now I can doe nothing to help my selfe but call vpon the name of God About the end of Iuly in the yeare sixteen hundred and twelue I was taken with many fits of cholike and stone one fit anon after another Then I cried God mercie and promised zealous amendment of life The fittes left me but I amended not The next sūmer after I had some three or foure seuerall fits Now marke I pray you and beleeue me I beseech you The second of Nouember last 1613. at night I going to bed felt a fit of the cholike and stone comming vpon me Wherefore I beeing in great anguish praied earnestly vnto God that for his mercies sake he would then ease me of that paine with condition that if I did not presently enter into a very reformed course of life the disease should returne vpon mee and kill me It presently was gone and all that night I had quiet rest The morrowe I performed not my promise Towards night I felt a threatning of it again and therefore according to Doct. Bambrigs direction I tooke purging pills to preuent it which kinde of Physicke had formerly eased me The pills wrought yet the morrowe morning a violent fit came vpon me How grieuously I was that day tormented some that in kindnesse came to see me namely M. Thomas Stringer and M. Iohn Haughton do I am sure very well remember My breast quaked as a leafe shakē with the wind You may thinke I had then great cause to feare that the wrath of my Lord was kindled against me I humbly besought him to rebuke the disease yet once more and then vnlesse I forced my selfe to enter in at the strait doore of repentance no more He is a gracious Lord his name bee praised At euen he rebuked the disease and it left me yet all that night I was glad to haue Mr. Duxburie sit with me I was so weakened one while I was vp an other while downe and O my good Lord what I thinke vpon thou knowest my soule most humbly and lamentably appealeth vnto thine infinite mercie After this I purposed as I thought very steadfastly to reforme my selfe according to the word of God yea so farre forth that I wrote vnto Cantrell Legge Printer in Cambridg a note to be set before the fift impression of my former little booke In that note bearing date Nouemb. 27. 1613. I signified that my conscience was vnburthened that I would shortly publish the manner thereof whereas God knoweth I was farre short of beeing vnburthened Nowe yet marke I pray you All my former fits were about the right kidnie In Ianuarie and Februarie I felt a painfull gathering of somewhat about my left kidnie which prickingly continued causing a grieuous torment in the water passage out of my bodie Many times my water came drop-meale with burning paine That long practised religious Physitian Doct. Hunton of Newarke vpon
and also to giue such a measure of thy grace into mine vncharitable heatt that I may most freely forgiue euery one that either hath been or shall be a trespasser against me O Lord I haue displeased and discontented many folke I beseech thee to pacifie and quiet them O giue grace that I may humbly seek for and they may gently yeeld vnto a Christian reconcilement O Lord I am of a froward disposition apt to displease and disquiet euery one I beseech thee to breake me from this vnkind vnpeaceable condition O keepe me from giuing cause of displeasure vnto any and keep others from taking displeasure against me that so farre as is possible with a good conscience I may liue and die in peace with all thy creatures O Lord thou mightest iustly set all thy creatures to sight against mee because I am most rebelliously disobedient against thee But contrariwise thou dost most mercifully giue vnto me the comfortable vse of many things and the fauourable amitie of many people O gracious Lord I humbly thanke thee beseeching thine Almightie goodnesse so to sanctifie thy blessings vnto me that I may blessedly employ them to the glory of thy grace the good of all people and the hurt of nothing but onely of sinne O Lord I owe a speciall dutie vnto my kinred and acquaintance I beseech thee to be gracious vnto them and specially vnto those with whom I stand charged as the minister of their saluation O giue vnto euerie one of them I most humbly pray thee all those blessings which a good minister of thy Gospel should be a meanes to procure vnto them Amen Amen O Lord Christened people who of thy Sonne Christs name are named Christians be verie wretchedly entangled with differences of beleefe and wickednesses of life I beseech thee to send forth such a power of thy Sonnes grace as shall ioyne them all together in the right Christian faith and make them to abound in the fruits thereof to thy glorie and their mutuall benefiting one another Specially O Lord as dutie bindeth mee I pray for those two Ilands Brittain and Ireland beseeching thee to powre thy graces continually vpon thine anointed seruant King Iames and vpon his Queene and Children and subiects that hee and all his may be euery way pleasing vnto thee and euermore blessed of thee Amen Amen O Lord many nations and people are vnchristians they beleeue not in thy Sonne Christ and therefore they are in the way of damnation I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto them all and specially vnto the Iewes and Israelites the naturall children of thine old faithfull seruants Abraham Isaac and Iacob So soone as it possibly may bee with thine owne good pleasure I humbly pray thee to conuert them vnto the true Christian faith that they may be saued and therein thy Sonne Christ glorified Amen Amen O Lord some people are diseased in bodie some are troubled in minde and some are cumbred with outward aduersitie I beseech thee to giue them the grace that they may forsake all manner of sinne and wholly submit themselues vnto thee O then they shall be most tenderly cherished in all their necessities verie timely remooued out of all their miserie into perpetuall blessednes Amen Amen For these and for all other mercies which I or any child of my father Adam doe or shall need my desire is O Lord I beseech thee giue mee grace to pray acceptably vnto thy glorious maiestie in thine onely Sonne Iesus Christs name as hee hath taught mee saying O our Father which art in heauen hallowed be thy name c. Glorie and honour and praise and thankes with all diuine worship and humble seruice be giuen vnto thee O God the Father the Sonne and the holy Ghost And vnto the poore children of the man Adam be vouchsafed from thee thorough the man Iesus deliuerance from sinne and miserie henceforth for euermore Amen Amen That I might sing vnto my good Lord in some tuneablenesse I bought the whole booke of Psalmes with tunes in foure parts And I bestowed now and then a little time to learne the notes of the tenor part My skill is verie small but yet I would not forgoe it for a great gaine because it helpeth my dull deuotion This vnder correction I say of musicke Vpon an holy affection it hath an heauenly working but contrariwise contrarily ¶ My forenoone Psalme to the tune of Attend my people and giue eare O Vt of the deepes of miserie O blessed Lord I cry to thee Vouchsafe for thy Sonne Christ his sake to hearken graciously to me To me the worst of all the folke which here vpon thine earth doe dwell A wretch most fit to be cut off and cast downe headlong into hell For mercie Lord to thee I crie for mercie and for sauing grace To pardon all my wickednesse and my corruptions to deface Good Lord giue me repentance that I may indeed vnfainedly Enforce my selfe for euermore my sinnes to kill and crucifie Lord guide and leade me all this day in euery thought and word and deed To doe thy will and blesse thou me that I may alwaies haue good speed And when thou shalt most mightily haue freed me from sinnefull thrall To praise thy blessed Name with me I will entreat thy people all Both now and henceforth I will praise thy Name O God right thankefully Because thou wilt not suffer me in gracelesse state to liue and die O Father Sonne and holy Ghost one onely God in persons three All glorie honour praise and thankes be yeelded euermore to thee Amen My noone prayer O most holy most good and gracious Lord God I the most vncleane and most defiled wretch of all the world doe humbly beseech thy most blessed and glorious maiestie that euen for that right deare loue which is betweene thee and thine onely begotten Sonn the Lord Iesus Christ God and man crucified thou wilt vouchsafe to make knowne thy wonderfull grace in cleansing me from the most abhominable defilement of my sinnes To this ende I humbly pray thee to make me alwaies very mindefull of thy presence fearefull of thy displeasure and desirous of thy fauour O most mercifull Lord grant mee this mercy this exceeding great mercie and then doe vnto mee euery way that which shall bee most to thine own good pleasure and to thy owne glory Yea blessed Lord God vnto thee bee all good pleasure praise honour worshippe and glory in Iesus Christ now and for euermore Amen Amen ¶ My noone Psalme to a tune which in Cambridge was called Mr. Perkins tune O Holy holy holy Lord the purest of all things the blessefull glorious Maiesty frō whence all goodnes springs Looke downe from thy most holy place behold good Lord and see A sinfull wofull wretched man most loathsome vnto thee Most foule and filthie is my sinne Ah! fie vpon me fie O Father of all holinesse to thee for grace I crie For grace to wash and make me cleane from
be very gracious vnto mee Oh! mine heart is so deuillishly bent to sinne that no vowes no oathes nothing can turne it O Lord what shall I doe I am as a man that hath most deadly wounded himselfe and dying would not die But woe is mee There is no remedie He that is wounded to death must die yea but thou vouchsafest to raise vp some by the grace of thy Sonne True Lord true it is But few of that companie be such as haue bin dissembling hypocrites And of all counterfeits the most vncurable is a counterfeit-preacher of thy righteousnes My soule can hardly thinke how such a one should haue the grace of repentance Of all such if any such there be beside me I am the worst O good Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Friday the twentieth of May I prayed thus O good Lord though the hardnes of mine heart be exceedingly great yet ought I not to despaire for thy Sonne likeneth the kingdome of thy grace vnto a graine of musterd seede and vnto a little leauen O my soule hast thou not a little faith Looke vp vnto heauen and craue of thy maker that the fulnes of grace which is in Iesus Christ may haue some little influence and entrance into thee by the holy Ghost O my good Lord my soule is full of vnbeleefe I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto mine vnbeleeuing soule Amen About noone the same day hauing dined with two strangers for I lodge and table in a vitteling-house comming into my chamber I confessed and prayed thus O Lord what am I that I should vndertake to walke vprightly before thy face I cannot for the company and presence of any one draweth my minde downe from thee O why doest thou suffer the poore children of Adam to be thus carried away Is it because thou wilt haue it so fie vpon mee sinne-blinded wretch when a seruant for his naughtines is turned out of his seruice hee should laie the blame of his miserie vpon himselfe and not vngraciously exclaime that his lord had a purpose to put him away before euer hee offended Yea but seely man thinketh that thou who art so renowned and famous for mercie shouldest be mercifull vnto euery one Or if not so because then iustice should not be seene nor the benefit of mercie so well appeare yet the greater number should haue mercie specially seeing that the God-man Iesus hath paid so great a ransome for mercy We do not consider that among many traytors it is much if a King pardon one Sinne is treason against thee yea farre more haynous then the highest treasō can be against Princes because thy Maiestie is infinitely greater then theirs Also thy hate of sinn is aboue our vnderstanding for it is according to the measure of thy holinesse which is vnmeasurable Ah! my father Adam little knew how many thousand thousands of his owne naturall children hee did throwe into euerlasting miserie in breaking thy commandement He was well able to haue obeyed thy will So am not I for from out of him I haue together with my bodie receiued a wicked inclination which now is by long custome in sinning most extreamly hardened O good Lord be mercifull vnto mee Amen That afternoone I kept my selfe within and the morrow also But Saturday at night I by occasion of companie fell into vaine mirth whereunto I am excessiuely giuen There is indeed a good kind of merriment if we could hit vpon it for according to the last and in my weake iudgement the best translation of the Bible He that is of a merry heart hath a continuall feast Prou. 15.15 But in the Iewes language a merry heart is a good heart and therefore there can be no sound safe mirth without the grace of repentance Can a subiect though of high degree bee frolike and iocand before the face of the King so long as his Maiestie is grieuously displeased with him That were a ready way to discouer an vnloyall heart which vnto a prudent Prince is verie abhominable But what if the same subiect bee vpon humble submission receiued into his Soueraignes fauour will he not be very moderate in his mirth so long as hee is in the presence of his Maiestie will it not be ioy sufficient vnto him to be free from giuing his Leige Lord any cause of distast to minister vnto him all possible good contentment yea else he is not fit to bee in the presence of Maiestie for hee eclipseth the royall glory which cannot but cause some euill effect one way or another So it is betweene the Lord of glorie and those which serue in his presence that is to say all Christians The 22. of May beeing Sabbath I was sore plagued with the strangurie yet going to Church and after diuine seruice comming into the pulpit I felt my selfe to be something coole and able to speake So might I haue continued but that I did as I would wish no man to do strain my selfe with a kind of furiousnesse the common behauiour of such as are tumultuously confusedly and rawly prepared The best way for a Preachers selfe and the most likely to preuaile in perswading his hearers is if I bee not much deceiued graue milde and treatable speech If a man perceiue it in himselfe it is a very grieuous sight to see corrupted nature play the part of grace and with a smoakie flourish make as though it would kill the deuill beeing indeed his base slaue so willing to obey as he to commaund What a glorie is this to Sathan what a dishonour to God After I was come home I praysed God thus O most excellently gracious Lord what shall I sinner doe I am neither worthy nor able to praise thee yet exceedingly bound to do it O Lord what mooueth thee to be so good vnto the worst of all sinners Onely thine owne goodnesse for in mee there is nothing but causes of prouocation Yea a thousand and a thousand thousand causes which crie vnto thee for vengeance and continually vrge thy iustice to powre a whole sea of wrath vpon me And yet thou art gracious vnto mee Had I the holiest soule and the strongest bodie of all that liue vpon the face of the earth yea though I could liue an hundred holy liues die as many right Martyrdomes in zeale of thee and of thy truth I should not come neare vnto the making of a sufficient recompence for the goodnesse patience and forbearance which thou hast graciously shewed vnto mee And yet loe most vile wretch that I am I still liue in sinne and so continue displeasing and dishonouring thee O my good Lord giue me grace to be once broken from this deuillish wickednesse though it be with condition that I shal be the most refuse man of all the world Lay vpon me whatsoeuer thou wilt onely disburden my conscience of sinne and ease my body of this vnsupportable paine of the strangury Amen At euening prayer I read and preached
and all others that I may euerlastingly praise thy name therefore through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Tuesdaie morning the strangury pained me verie grieuously and my feete were in such an extreame heate that I was forced to stand barefooted In this burning torment I prayed O most mightie and most mercifull Lord God my Maker and Sauiour of thy most tender compassion most excellent mercie vouchsafe I beseech thee to ease me of this filthy tormenting disease lay vpon me in stead thereof what crosse what iudgement thou wilt Me thinks thou saiest Thou foolish man put away thy folly drawe neere vnto me and I will draw neere vnto thee O good Lord blessed be thy name In the name of Iesus Christ I will drawe neere vnto thee I will henceforth be alwaies verie mindefull that I am before thy face nothing in the world no not any companie shall put me out of that thought Beeing in companie so often as I perceiue my minde to turne it selfe from waiting vpon thee I will presently breake out into these words Fie vpon me what a forgetfull foole am I Good Lord forgiue me and correct mee Then if any aske the reason why I spake those words I will very plainly tell it Most gracious Lord giue me grace thus to doe and blesse me in so doing through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen The staires to my chamber are the comming vp vnto three other chambers So oft as I heard the noise of any bodies feet comming vp the staires I was very fearefull that some or other were comming vnto me and as glad if I heard them goe by the doore to any of the other chambers How men may iudge of this I know not but my conscience doth assuredly certifie mee how the Lord God iudgeth of it That forenoon some company came to me staied long wherefore though I in some sort looked to my soule yet could I not auoide bodily hurt for I hauing to ease my paine taken much drinke before the companie came being forced painfully to hold my water when they were gone there came such things from out of my body as if many skinnes within were pilled off Wherefore I fully perswaded my selfe that I was possessed with a windie fretting inflammation which of necessitie must very shortly kill me and that as I thought most likely by the perishing of my bladder In the afternoone I praied thus Most blessed Lord very true it is that the doore of heauen is in comparison much lesse then the eie of a needle An entrance there is but most hardly to be gotten The beginning of an vnfained godly life is the hardest worke in all the world Then what meaneth Christ in saying that his yoake is easie and his burden light His meaning is that true repentance and right faith do ease and lighten a loaden conscience There is no remedy but sinne must needes be put off else there is no saluation no heauen to be had Woe is me How can a black-moore put off his blacknesse It is vnpossible Yea but thy Sonne hath told vs that all things are possible with thee True it is O Lord I beleeue it But the question is what thou wilt doe Therefore with the poor leper I say vnto thee O Lord if thou wilt thou canst make me cleane The Spirit answereth me saying To day if thou wilt heare his voice harden not thy heart I must striue to vnharden mine heart in obeying thy word which word thou hast graciously made knowne vnto mee to the end that I should obey it in putting off my sinne But if knowing thy will I continue disobedient to thee O what a most dreadfull measure of euerlasting vengeance shall speedily fall vpon me O Lord none can vnharden mine heart but onely thou Then how can I vnbarden it If thou euer vnharden it thou wilt make mee to vnharden it for thou workest the will and the deede in them that shall bee saued They must will and doe that which is pleasing vnto thee The power to will and doe it they must haue from thee Therefore thy seruant Paul aduiseth vs to work out our saluation with feare and trembling that is awfully and carefully to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed that so thy grace may work in vs obedience vnto thy will which is the only way of saluation Good Lord in thy Sonnes name I will striue to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed for the breaking of mine hard heart Blessed bee thy name I thinke no man or woman in all the world can haue more warning to deny himselfe and hasten repentance then I haue To thy mercie and good pleasure I wholly betake my selfe thorough Iesus Christ Amen Amen Wednesday morning I was very tormentingly pained in the water passage and therefore prayed thus O blessed Lord God this soule disease tormenteth me verie sore O that it may be pleasing vnto thy most glorious goodnes euen in such measure to ease me of this disease as by thy grace I will from this time forward deny my selfe and giue glory vnto thy truth Me thinkes thou sayest Goe to then See that thou conscionably deny thy selfe putting thy whole trust in me And for thy comfort thou shalt be sure to finde these my words true I am mercifull My mercie is vpon them that feare me Most gracious Lord blessed be thy name I beleeue thy words And nowe thorough the grace of Iesus Christ I will steadfastly set my selfe to deny my selfe O Lord be mercifull vnto mee that I may thoroughly doe it And then thy will be done Amem About an houre after I had so praied vnto God my paine of the spleene came vpon mee in such sort that mine eies were much dazled mine heart deadly vexed my limms faintly wearied Beeing in this state I praied thus O good Lord what shall I doe This my deathfull body cannot possibly hold out nor be seruiceable vnto thee in any good measure according to my calling O my good Lord what shall I doe I haue no warrant to expect any extraordinary releeuing of my body And this deadlines putteth my poore soule out of comfort Mee thinkes thou saiest Let thy soule be steadfastly vprightly bent to serue mee for so it shall receiue comfort from mee Touching thy bodie doe me what seruice thou canst and betake it vnto mee to dispose therof as I see good By greiuing at thy diseasednes thou makest it to be worse Therfore be only zealous againg thy sinnes the cause of all thy miserie But take heart of grace and sustaine thy weake spirit hath assured confidence of my mercy towards thee O my good Lord most wonderfull in mercy and Almightie in power with all humble thankefulnes I receiue these words from thee My soule is certenly perswaded that thy purpose towards mee is according to those words Blessed Lord it greiueth me that I hane so long displeased dishonoured thee and now