wants nothing but Agreement Beau. A little pause what might be the cause on either part Barb. My passions are grown to putrifaction and my griefs are gangren'd Mr. Chamlet has scarified me all over besides the loss of my new Brush Kna. I am kept out of mine own Castle my Wife keeps the Hold against me your Page my Lord is her Champion I summon'd a Parle at the window was answered with Defiance they confess they have layen together but what they have done else I know not Beau. Thou canst have no wrong that deserves pity thou art thy self so bad Kna. I thank your Honor for that let me have my throat cut then Enter Selenger as a woman and Mris Knavesbee Cham. Sir I can give you a better remedy then his Capistrum your ear a little Mris Kna. I come with a bold innocence to answer the best and worst that can accuse me here Beau. Your husband Mris Kna. He 's the worst I dare his worst Kna. Your Page your Page Mris Kna. We lay together in bed it is confest you and your ends of Law makes worser of it I did it for reward Beau. I le hear no more of this come Gentlemen will you walk Enter Young Cressingham Young Cress. My Lord a little stay you 'l see a sight that neighbor amity wil be much pleas'd with 't is come already my Father sir Enter Old Cressingham Beau. There must be cause certain for this good change Sir you are bravely met this is at the best I ever saw you Cress. My Lord I am amazement to my self I slept in poverty and am awake into this wonder how I can thus brave my dreams did not so much as tell me of I am of my kinde sons new making up it exceeds the pension much that yesternight allow'd me and my pockets centupled but I am my sons childe sir he knows of me more then I do my self Young Cress. Sir you yet have but earnest of your happiness a Pinace fore-riding a goodly vessel by this near Anchor-bulkt like a Castle and with Jewels fraught Joys above Jewels sir from deck to keel make way for the receipt empty your bosom of all griefs and troubles leave not a sigh to beat her back again she is so stor'd ye 'ad need have room enough to take her lading Cress. If one Comodity be wanting now all this is nothing Young Cress. Tush that must out too there must be no remembrance not the thought that ever youth in woman did abuse you that e're your children had a stepmother that you sold Lands to please your punishment that you were circumscrib'd and taken in abridg'd the large extendure of your grounds and put into the pinfold that belong'd to 't that your son did cheat for want of maintenance that he did beg you shall remember onely for I have beg'd off all these troubles from you Enter Lady Cress. in civil habit Saund. and children very gallant Beau. This was a good weeks labor Young Cress. Not an hours my Lord but 't was a happy one see sir a new day shines on you La. Cress. Oh sir your son has rob'd me Cress. Ha! that way I instructed Yo Cress. Nay hear her sir La. Cress. Of my good purpose sir he hath forc'd out of me what lay conceal'd ripen'd my pity with his dews of duty forgive me sir and but keep the number of every grief that I have pain'd you with I 'le ten-fold pay with fresh obedience Cham. Oh that my wife were here to learn this lesson Lady Cress. Your state is not abated what was yours is still your own and take the cause withal of my harsh seeming usage it was to reclaim faults in your self the swift consumption of many large revenues Gaiming that of not much less speed burning up house and land not casual but cunning fire which though it keeps the Chymney and outward shows like Hospitality is onely devourer on 't Consuming Chymistry there I have made you a flat banquet-out all your Stillatories and laboring Minerals are demolish'd that part of Hell in your house is extinct put out your desire with them and then these feet shall level with my hands untill you raise my stoop'd humility to higher grace to warm these lips with love and duty do to every silver hair each one shal be a Senator to my obedience Cress. All this I know before who ever of you that had but one ill thought of this good woman you owe a knee to her and she is merciful if she forgive you Enter George and Mris Chamlet Beau. That shal be private penance sir we 'l all joy in publique with you George On the conditions I tell you not else Mris Cham. Sweet George dear George any conditions Cham. My wife Old Frank Peace George is bringing her to conditions Cham. Good ones good George George You shall never talk your voice above the key sol sol sol Mris Cham. Sol sol sol I George George Say welcome home honest George in that pitch Mris Cham. Welcome home honest George George Why this is well now Cham. That 's well indeed George George Rogue nor Rascal must never come out of your mouth Mris Cham. They shall never come in honest George George Nor I will not have you call my Master plain husband that 's too course but as your Gentlewomen in the Country use and your persons wives in the Town 't is comely and shal be customed in the City call him Master Chamlet at every word Mris Cham. At every word honest George George Look you there he is salute him then Mris Cham. Welcome home good Mr. Chamlet Cham. Thanks and a thousand sweet Wife I may say honest George George Yes sir or Bird or Chuck or Hearts ease or plain Rachel but call her Rac no more so long as she is quiet Cham. God-a-mercy sha't have thy new sute a Sunday George Mris Cham. George shall have two new sutes Mr. Chamlet Cham. God-a-mercy ifaith Chuck Bar. Mr. Chamlet you and I are friends all even betwixt us Cham. I do acquit thee neighbor Sweetbal Bar. I will not be hang'd then Knares-bee do thy worst nor I will not cut thy throat Kna. I must do 't my self Bar. If thou com'st to my shop and usurp'st my chair of maintenance I will go as neer as I can but I will not do 't Young Cress. No 't is I must cut Knaves-bees throat for slandering a modest Gentlewoman and my wife in shape of your Page my Lord in her own I durst not place her so neer your Lordship Beau. No more of that sir if your ends have acquir'd their own events crown 'em with your own Joy Yo. Cress. Down a your knees Knaves-bee to your wife she 's too honest for you Bar. Down down before you are hang'd 'twilbe to late afterwards and long thou canst not scape it Knaves-bee kneels Mris Kna. You 'l play the Pandor no more will you Kna. Oh that 's an inch into my throat Mris Kna. And let out your wife for her Kna. Oh sweet wife go no deeper Mris. Kna. Dare any be bail for your better behavior Beau. Yes yes I dare he will mend one day Mris Kna. And be worse the next Kna. Hang me the third then dear merciful wife I will do Any thing for a quiet Life Beau. All then is reconcil'd Barb. Onely my brush is lost my dear new brush Old Frank I will help you to satisfaction for that too sir Barb. Oh Sperma Caete I feel it heal already Old Frank Gentlemen I have fully satisfied my dead sons debts Omnes All pleas'd all paid sir Old Frank Then once more here I bring him back to life from my servant to my son nay wonder not I have not delt by fallacy with any my son was dead who e're out lives his vertues is a dead man for when you hear of spirits that walk in real bodies to the amaze and cold astonishment of such as meet 'em and all would shun those are men of vices who nothing have but what is visible and so by consequence they have no souls but if the soul return but if the Soul return he lives agen Created newly such my Son appears By my blessing rooted growing by his tears Omnes You have beguil'd us honestly sir Frank And you shall have your brush agen Barber My basons shall all ring for joy Beaufort Why this deserves a Tryumph and my cost shall begin a feast to 't to which I do envite you all such happy reconcilements must not be past without a health of joy Discorded friends atton'd men and their wives This hope proclaims your after quiet Lives Exeunt FINIS EPILOGUE I Am sent t' enquire your Censure and to know How you stand affected whither we do owe Our service to your Favors or must strike Our Sails though full of hope to your dislike How e're be pleas'd to think we purpos'd well And from my fellows thus much I must tell Instruct us but in what we went astray And to redeem it wee 'l take any way
Believe me she shall not sir which will be the hardest thing of all Frank Pray you dispatch him then Barb. With the celerity a man tells Gold to him Frank He hits a good comparison give my Waste-good your Stuffs and go with my Cousin sir he 'l presently dispatch you Ralph Yes Sir Barb. Come with me youth I am ready for you in my more private chamber Exeunt Barber Ralph Frank Sirrah go you shew your Lady the Stuffs and let her choose her colour away you know whether Boy prithee lend me a Brush i' th mean time Do you tarry all day now Yong Cress. That I will sir and all night too e're I come agen Exit yong Cressingham Boy Here 's a Brush sir Frank A good childe Barber within What Toby Boy Anon sir Barber within Why when goodman Picklock Boy I must attend my Master sir I come Exit boy Frank Do pretty Lad so take water at Cole-harbor An easie Mercer and an innocent Barber Exit Franklin Enter Barber Ralph Boy Barb. So friend I le now dispatch you presently Boy reach me my Dis-membring Instrument and let my Cauterize be ready and hark you Snipsnap Boy I Sir Barb. See if my Luxinium my Fomentation be provided first and get my Rowlers Bolsters and Pleggets arm'd Ralph Nay good sir dispatch my business first I should not stay from my shop Barb. You must have a little patience sir when you are a Patient if Prepusium be not too much perisht you shall loose but little by it believe my Art for that Ralph What 's that sir Barb. Marry if there be exulceration between Prepusium and Glannce by my faith the whole Penis may be endanger'd as far as Os pubes Ralph What 's this you talk on sir Barb. If they be gangren'd once Testiculi Vesica and all may run to mortification Ralph What a pox does this Barber talk on Barb. O fie youth Pox is no word of Art Morbus Gallicus or Neopolitanus had bin well Come friend you must not be nice open your griefs freely to me Ralph Why sir I open my grief to you I want my money Barb. Take you no care for that your worthy Cousin has given me part in hand and the rest I know he will upon your recovery and I dare take his word Ralph 's Death where 's my Ware Barb. Ware that was well the word is cleanly though not artful your Ware it is that I must see Ralph My Tobine and Cloth of Tissue Barb. You will neither have Tissue nor Issue if you linger in your malady better a Member cut off then endanger the whole Microcosm Ralph Barber you are not mad Barb. I do begin to fear you are subject to Subeth unkindly sleeps which have bred opilations in your brain take heed the Simptoma will follow and this may come to Phrensie begin with the first cause which is the pain of your Member Ralph Do you see my Yard Barber Barb. Now you come to the purpose 't is that I must see indeed Ralph You shall feel it sir Death give me my fifty pounds or my Ware agen or I 'le measure out your Anatomy by the yard Barb. Boy my Cauterizing-Iron red hot Exit boy Boy 'T is here sir Barb. If you go further I take my Dis-membring Knife Ralph Where 's the Knight your Cousin the Thief and the Taylor with my Cloth of Gold and Tissue Boy The Gentleman that sent away his man with the Stuffs is gone a pretty while since he has carried away our new Brush Barb. O that Brush hurts my hearts side Cheated cheated he told me that your Virga had a Burning-feaver Ralph Pox on your Virga Barber Barb. And that you would be bashful and asham'd to show your head Ralph I shall so hereafter but here it is you see yet my head my hair and my wit and here are my heels that I must shew to my Master if the Cheaters be not found and Barber provide thee Plaisters I will break thy head with every Bason under the Pole Exit Ralph Barb. Cool the Luxinium and quench the Cauterizer I am partly out of my wits and partly mad My Razor 's at my heart these storms will make My Sweet-balls stink my harmless Basons shake Exeunt ACTUS III Enter Selenger Mris. Knaves-bee Sel. YOu 're welcome Mistriss as I may speak it but my Lord will give it a sweeter Emphasis I le give him knowledge of you Exiturus Mris. Knavesb. Good sir stay methinks it sounds sweetest upon your tongue I le wish you to go no further for my welcome Sel. Mine it seems you never heard good Musick that commend a Bag-pipe hear his harmony Mris. Kna. Nay good now let me borrow of your patience I le pay you agen before I rise to morrow if it please you Sel. What would you forsooth Mris. Kna. Your company sir Sel. My attendance you should have Mistriss but that my Lord expects it and 't is his due Mris Kna. And must be paid upon the hour that 's too strict any time of the day will serve Sel. Alas 't is due every minute and paid 't is due agen or else I forfeit my recognizance the Cloth I wear of his Mris Kna. Come come pay it double at another time and 't wil be quitted I have a little use of you Sel. Of me forsooth small use can be made of me if you have suit to my Lord none can speak-better for you then you may your self Mris Kna. Oh but I am bashful Sel. So am I in troth Mistriss Mris Kna. Now I remember me I have a toy to deliver your Lord that 's yet unfinisht and you may further me pray you your hands while I unwinde this Skain of Gold from you 't will not detain you long Sel. You winde me into your service prettily with all the haste you can I beseech you Mris Kna. If it tangle not I shall soon have done Sel. No it shall not tangle if I can help it forsooth Mris Kna. If it do I can help it fear not this thing of long length you shall see I can bring you to a bottom Sel. I think so too if it be not bottomless this length will reach it Mris Kna. It becomes you finely but I forewarn you and remember it your enemy gain not this advantage of you you are his prisoner then for look you you are mine now my captive manacled I have your hands in bondage grasps the skain between his hands Sel. 'T is a good Lesson Mistriss and I am perfect in it another time I 'le take out this and learn another pray you release me now Mris Kna. I could kiss you now spite of your teeth if it please me Sel. But you could not for I could bite you with the spite of my teeth if it pleases me Mris Kna. Well I 'le not tempt you so far I shew it but for rudiment Sel. When I go a wooing I 'le think on 't agen
inheritance Yong Cress. Yes and my own Life at stake too Cress. You promise fair I come now to make trial of it You know I have married one whom I hold so dear that my whole life is nothing but a meer estate depending upon her will and her affections to me she deserves so well I cannot longer merit then durante bene placita 't is her pleasure and her wisdom moves in 't too of which I le give you ample satisfaction hereafter that I sell the Land my Father left me You change colour I have promis'd her to do 't and should I fail I must expect the remainder of my life as full of trouble and vexation as the Suit for a Divorce it lies in you by setting of your hand unto the Sale to add length to his life that gave you yours Yong Cress. Sir I do now ingeniously perceive why you said lately somewhat I should write would be my undoing meaning as I take it setting my hand to this Assurance Oh good Sir shall I pass away my Birth-right Oh remember there is a malediction denounc't against it in Holy Writ will you for her pleasure the Inheritance of Desolation leave to your posterity think how compassionate the creatures of the field that onely live on the wilde benefits of Nature are unto their yong ones think likewise you may have more children by this woman and by this act you undo them too 't is a strange president this to see an obedient son laboring good counsel to the father But know Sir that the spirits of my Great-Grandfather and your Father moves at this present in me and what they bequeath'd you on your Death-bed they charge you not to give away in the dalliance of a womans bed Good Sir let it not be thought presumption in me that I have continued my speech unto this length the cause sir is urgent and believe it you shall finde her Beauty as malevolent unto you as a red morning that doth still foretel a foul day to follow Oh Sir keep your Land keep that to keep your Name immortal and you shall see All that her Malice and proud Will procures Shall shew her ugly heart but hurt not yours Cress. Oh I am distracted and my very soul sends blushes into my cheeks Enter George with the two Children Yong Cress. See here an Object to beget more compassion George O Sir Francis we have a most lamentable house at home nothing to be heard in 't but Separation and Divorces and such a noise of the Spiritual Court as if it were a Tenement upon London-Bridge and built upon the Arches Cress. What 's the matter George All about Boarding your children my Mistriss is departed Cress Dead George In a sort she is and laid out too for she is run away from my Master Cress. Whither George Seven miles off into Essex she vowd never to leave Barking while she liv'd till these were brought home agen Cress. Oh they shall not offend her I am sorry for 't 1 Childe I am glad we are come home sir for we liv'd in the unquietest house 2 Childe The angry woman me thought grutcht us our victuals our new Mother is a good Soul and loves us and does not frown so like a Vixen as she does 1 Childe I am at home now and in heaven me thinks what a comfort 't is to be under your wing 2 Childe Indeed my mother was wont to call me your Nestlecock and I love you as well as she did Enter Saunder Knaves-bee and Surveyor Cress. You are my pretty souls Yong Cress. Does not the prattle of these move you Saun. Look you Sir here 's the Conveyance and my Ladies Solicitor pray resolve what to do my Lady is coming down How now George how does thy Mistriss that sits in a Wainscot Gown like a Citizens Lure to draw in Customers oh she 's a pretty Mous-trap George She 's ill baited though to take a Welch-man she cannot away with Cheese Cress. And what must I do now Kna. Acknowledge a Fine and Recovery of the Land then for possession the course is common Cress. Carry back the Writings sir my minde is chang'd Saun. Chang'd do not you mean to seal Enter Lady Cressingham Cress. No Sir the Tide 's turn'd Saun. You must temper him like wax or he 'l not seal Lady Are you come back again How now have you done 1 Childe How do you Lady Mother Lady You are good children bid my woman give them some Sweet-meats 1 Childe Indeed I thank you Is not this a kinde Mother Yong Cress. Poor fools you know not how dear you shall pay for this Sugar Lady What han't you dispatcht Cress. No Sweetest I am disswaded by my son from the Sale o' th Land Lady Disswaded by your son Cress. I cannot get his hand to 't Lady Where 's our Steward cause presently that all my Beds and Hangings be taken down provide Carts pack them up I 'le to my House i' th Countrey have I studied the way to your preferment and your childrens and do you cool i' th upshot Yong Cress. With your pardon I cannot understand this course a way to any preferment rather a direct path to our ruine Lady Oh sir you are young sighted shew them the project of the Land I mean to buy in Ireland that shall out-value yours three thousand in a year Kna. Look you sir here is Clangibbon a fruitful countrey and well wooded Cress. What 's this Marsh ground Kna. No these are Boggs but a little Cost will drain them This upper part Map that runs by the black water is the Cossacks Land a spacious countrey and yields excellent profit by the Salmon and fishing for Herring here runs the Kernes-dale admirable feed for cattel and here about is St. Patrick's Purgatory Yong Cress. Purgatory shall we purchase that too Lady Come come will you dispatch th' other business we may go through with this Cress. My son 's unwilling Lady Upon my soul sir I 'le never bed with you till you have seal'd Cress. Thou hear'st her on thy blessing follow me to 'th Court and seal Yong Cress. Sir were it my death wer 't to 'th loss of my estate I vow to obey you in all things yet with it remember there are two young ones living that may curse you I pray dispose part of the money on their generous Educations Lady Fear no you sir The Caroche there when you have dispatcht you shall finde me at the Scriveners where I shall receive the money Yong Cress. She 'l devour that mass too Lady How likest thou my power over him Saun. Excellent Lady This is the height of a great Ladies sway When her night service makes her rule i' th day Exeunt manet Knaves-bee Enter Knaves bee's Wife Kna. Not yet Sib my Lord keeps thee so long th' art welcome I see then and pays sweetly too a good wench Sib th' art to obey thy husband She 's come a hundred mark a year how
put forth to use Saund. Yes Madam Lady The bonds were made in my unckles name Saund. Yes Lady 'T is well Old Cress. 'T is strange though Lady Nothing strange you 'l think the allowance I have put you to as strange but your judgement cannot reach the aim I have in 't you were prickt last year to be High Sheriff and what it would have cost you I understand now all this charge and the other by the sale of your Land and the money at my dispose and your pension so small will settle you in quiet make you Master of a retir'd life and our great ones may think you a politique man and that you are aiming at some strange business having made all over Old Cress. I must leave you man is never truly awake till he be dead Extent old Cress. and Saund. Yo. Cress. What a dream have you made of my father Lady Let him be so and keep the proper place of dreams his bed until I raise him Yo. Cress. Raise him not unlikely 't is you have ruin'd him Lady You do not come to quarrel Yo. Cress. No certain but to perswade you to a thing that in the vertue of it nobly carries its own commendation and you shall gain much honor by it which is the recompence of all vertuous actions to use my father kindly Lady Why does he complain to you sir Yo. Cress. Complain why should a King complain for any thing but for his sins to heaven the prerogative of husband is like to his over his wife Lady I am full of business sir and will not minde you Yo. Cress. I must not leave you thus I tell you mother 't is dangerous to a woman when her minde raises her to such height it makes her onely capable of her own merit nothing of duty oh 't was a strange unfortunate o're-prising your beauty brought him otherwise discreet into the fatal neglect of his poor children what will you give us of the late sum you receiv'd Lady Not a penny away you are troublesome and sawcy Yo. Cress. You are too cruel denials even from Princes who may do what they list should be supplied with a gratious verbal usage that though they do not cure the sore they may abate the sence of 't the wealth you seem to command over is his and he I hope will dispose of 't to our use Lady When he can command my will Yo. Cress. Have you made him so miserable that he must take a Law from his wife Lady Have you not had some Lawyers forc't to grone under the burden Yo. Cress. Oh! but the greater the women the more visible are their vices Lady So sir you have been so bold by all can binde an oath and I 'le not break it I will not be the woman to you hereafter you expected Yo. Cress. Be not be not your self be not my fathers wife be not my Lady Cressingham and then I 'le thus speak to you but you must not answer in your own person Lady A fine Puppet play Yo. Cress. Good Madam please you pity the distress of a poor Gentleman that is undone by a cruel Mother in Law you do not know her nor does she deserve the knowledge of any good one for she does not know her self you would sigh for her that ere she took you sex if you but heard her qualities Lady This is a fine Crotchet Yo. Cress. Envy and Pride flow in her painted breasts she gives no other suck all her attendants do not belong to her husband his money is hers marry his debts are his own she bears such sway she will not suffer his Religion be his own but what she please to turn it to Lady And all this while I am the woman you libel against Yo. Cress. I remember e're the Land was sold you talkt of going to Ireland but should you touch there you would die presently Lady Why Man Yo. Cress. The country brookes no poison go You 'l finde how difficult a thing it is to make a setled or assur'd Estate of things ill gotten when my father 's dead the curse of Lust and Riot follow you marry some young gallant that may rifle you yet add one blessing to your needy age that you may die full of repentance Lady Ha Ha Ha Ys. Cress. Oh! shee 's lost to any kinde of goodness Exeunt Enter Lord Beaufort and Knaves-bee Beau. Sirrah be gone y' are base Kna. Base my good Lord 't is a ground part in Musick trebles means all his but sidling your Honor bore a part as my wife says my Lord Beau. Your wife 's a Strumpet Kna. Ah ha is she so I am glad to hear it open confession open payment the wagers mine then a hundred a year my Lord I said so before and stak'd my head against it thus after darksome night the day is come my Lord Beau. Hence hide thy branded head let no day see thee nor thou any but thy execution day Kna. That 's the day after washing day once a week I see 't at home my Lord Beau. Go home and see thy prostituted wife for sure 't is so now folded in a Boys adultery my Page on whom the hot-rain'd harlot doats this night he hath been her attendant my house he 's fled from and must no more return go and make haste sir lest your reward be lost for want of looking to Kna. My reward lost is there nothing due for what is past my Lord Beau. Yes Pander Wittoll Macrio basest of knaves thou Boulster-bawd to thine own infamy go I have no more about me at this time when I am better stor'd thou shalt have more where e're I meet thee Kna. Pander Wittoll Macrio base knave boulster bawd here is but five mark toward a hundred a year this is poor payment if Lords may be trusted no better then thus I will go home and cut my Wifes Nose off I will turn over a new Leaf and hang up the Page lastly I will put on a large pair of Wet-leather Boots and drown my self I will sink at Queen-hive and rise agen at Charing-cross contrary to the Statute in Edwardo primo Exit Enter Old Franklin his son as before George three or four Citizens Creditors Old Frank Good health to your Lordship Beau. Mr. Franklin I heard of your arrival and the cause of this your sad appearance Old Frank And 't is no more then as your Honor says indeed appearance it has more form then feeling sorrow Sir I must confess there 's none of these Gentlemen though Aliens in blood but have as large cause of grief as I 1 Cred. No by your favor sir we are well satisfied there was in his life a greater hope but less assurance 2 Cred. Sir I wish all my debts of no better promise to pay me thus fifty in the hundred comes fairly homewards Yong Frank Considering hard Bargains and dead Commodities sir 2 Cred. Thou sayst true friend and from a dead Debtor too Beau. And