offer the like to Gayman Ld. Mal. Who Gayman Lord he 's the servil'st Fellow the Ministers do so laugh at him Sir Ruff. Why he 'll fight my Lord. Ld. Mal. O Jesu Sir I never said any thing to the contrary He 's a very worthy Person I always reckon him among my best Friends whatever I say of him I assure you he did all his Exercises at the Academy to a Miracle He and I rid the great Horse together Sir Ruff. The great Horse my Lord sure you forget your self your Lady's Padd went a great way with you Ld. Mal. Why really Sir Ruff you won't believe me But I became the manage so well that I verily believe I had been in the Army but for one thing Sir Ruff. What was that pray Ld. Mal. Why they said Riding too much wou'd teach me to turn in my Toes and spoil my Dancing and you know a Body wou'd not do that for less than a Regiment and they offered me but a Troop Was you at the Play last Night Sir Ruff. Yes what of that Ld. Mal. Was Wishwell there Well she 's the best Woman Sir Ruff. You have cause to say so Ld. Mal. Yes really she 's always so particular to me I have seen her so play upon my Lord Lofty when he was much a greater Man than I. Sir Ruff. Has not she play'd for him too my Lord Grang. This Blockhead will tell him he 's a Cuckold to his Face aside Ld. Mal. Well my Wife 's mightily oblig'd to her She 's admitted to her Toilett when she 's abroad to Dutchesses then she gave her the finest Present of Stuffs a Board an East-India Ship Lofty had but just given it her I am to have a Gown and Slippers of it my self Grang. Yes and a Night-Cap too Can this Puppy be so blind not to know who made his Wife that Present Sir Ruff. When was you at Mrs. Siam's Ld. Mal. Last Night at Ten we raffled there Lord Lofty Wishwell my Wife and I My Wife sent me home for more Money but before I came back where do you think they were gone Why even to Wishwell's where we had the prettiest Supper After we rose from Table Wishwell took me aside as she us'd to do to rail with her at the Vices of the Age I thank her she knew which way to oblige me Grang. And the whole Company Sir Ruff. Why after all this was no Complement to my Lady Ld. Mal. Why Lord Sir Ruff you don't think we left her alone we were better bred I assure you my Lord and she went into the little Room with the Crimson Couch to talk of State Affairs Now you must know my Wife understands State Affairs to a Miracle She picks up all the News of the Drawing-Room to inform me of at Night for her whole Business you must know is to make me rise Grang. Out a Bed from her I believe you Gay Wou'd she had a better Employment Aside Sir Ruff. To make you rise 't is lost Labour very often my Lord for after all you don't look much like a Man of Business Ld. Mal. O Lord Sir you 're mistaken in me I love State Affairs mightily and understand 'em tho' I say it passably well Why I had a Politick Master all the while I was in France without Vanity I got off a Sheriff this Winter in spight of the Commissioners Sir Ruff. Was not Maria with you at Wishwell's Ld. Mal. Ay ay Maria came in and interrupted us Maria came in a Lady of your Acquaintance as good a Maid tho' I say it Sir Ruff. Tho' you say it what can you say of her Ld. Mal. Why thou hast such an akeing Tooth after that Maiden-head of hers but she won't marry you Besides she has no Maidenhead Sir Ruff. Has your Lordship no Coxcomb Ld. Mal. Why what do you mean Sir Ruff I never was ask'd such an uncivil Question in all my Life Jesu mayn't a Man make a Jest or so upon a Friend in a civil way Sir Ruff. Not where my Honour or the Honour of my Mistress is concern'd Ld. Mal. Pish I honour her as much as you do I think her Virtuous let the World say what they will of her Sir Ruff. Will that repair the Injury Dammee I 'll have Satisfaction or I 'll wring your Neck off Ld. Mal. Help there Treason I am the Lord Malepert seize him some Body But dear Sir Ruff I meant no harm in the World but as I love railing mightily I can't forbear a witty Jest sometimes Granger and Gayman come forward Sir Ruff. Damn your dull Jest This Place and Company protect you And so Adieu Lord Loggerhead Exit Ld. Mal. Mr. Granger Mr. Gayman your Servant Were you at the Park last Night Gay Was your Lordship a Hunting with the King Ld. Mal. Jesu la Hunting No God forbid You have the prettyest Trimming Mr. Granger Did you buy it at the French Protestants Grang. That 's a question for my Taylor Who was he that left you just now Ld. Mal. Honest Sir Ruff. Does the Queen see Company Grang. He us'd your Honour something coursely I thought Ld. Mal. Pish 't is a Pleasant Blustering Fellow I allow him all his Humours and he knows mine Grang. It seems he does Ld. Mal. Now you must know I am very quiet and good natur'd 'till I am vex'd but then I 'm the Devil Gay At Twelve I 'll meet you in the Park Grang. Stay stay we 'll go together Ld. Mal. Did you lose to Night Mr. Granger Grang. Did your Lady Sup at Mrs. Wishwell's Ld. Mal. Pish did you win then Grang. Did my Lord Lofty Sup there too Ld. Mal. Very foolish were you a Saver then Grang. Zounds did you leave 'em alone That 's the way for you to be a winner Ld. Mal. Well my Wife does so laugh at him when we 're alone she 's only Civil to him because he 's a Relation She say's his Conversation's so out of Fashion and if he shou'd pretend to make Love Gay She wou'd make very good sport with him Grang. I dare swear for her Ld. Mal. Yes I vow now for I assure you she has a world of Wit as my Aunt Susan says She 'll play upon me sometimes before Company but that you know is the fashion Grang. What to play upon your Lordship Ld. Mal. Pish no I mean to use a Husband negligently in publick but then she 's so fond of me in private Nay Faith out Humours jump to a hair she 'll rail to a Miracle and you know I love railing mightily But do you resolve to quit Basset Grang. Dam it 't was invented by the Levellers and suited to all Capacities 't is the Devil and all to lose always to Fools Ld. Mal. I always to lose too but witty Men You know are seldom lucky Grang. I must to my Lodgings send some Rouleaus to the Bank to pay my damn'd Debts and learn to be wiser for the future Shall I have
in Love with you and is not a Thousand Pound a round Summ for doing so little and suffering nothing Lady But why shou'd I do any thing against my Inclinations I don't want the Money Wish Madam Madam every Woman wants a Thousand Pound And for your Inclinations if you allow them to get the better of you you are undone There are a great many pretty Gentlemen to be had But what will you get by any of 'em in the end Just so much Experience and Repentance for your pains You may be in Love with a Man that has it in his Temper to be in Love with half the Town as all the Young Men are And how will it agree with the Pleasure of your Pride Or the pride of your Pleasure to be forsaken No no no Love We 'll learn that of the Men For Love is Nature's Appetite Diseas'd Where we have no Concern we 're always pleas'd Exeunt SCENE II. St. Iames's Park Sir Ruff meeting Gayman and Garnish Sir Ruff. Did you see Lord Malepert Gay What! must it be a Tilt Sir Ruff Sir Ruff. No no hang Fighting among Friends I have other Business for him of another Nature Gentlemen I make Love to his Wife Gay How how pray recollect your self Sir Ruff. Nay not that I think her any better than her Chambermaid 'T is the Woman does my business and not the Lady I had rather have a prudent Practiser of the Trade to use as I think fit than a Gentlewoman that only does it now and then for her Diversion to use me as she pleases But you know a Man in this Town is no body without the Reputation of a Quality-Entriegue And all that I do it for is to talk of in Company And be better respected by the Women For you know they generally judge Just as other Women have judg d before ' em Garn. But if the Entriegue be only on your side Sir Ruff. Sir I wou'd have you to know 't is on her side too Gayman thou art a pretty Fellow and shalt be my Confident There 's no Living without Communicating matters of this kind to have both parties the better for ' em But Mr Garnish to convince you The Husband 's strangely fond of me and you know That always proceeds from the good Opinion of the Wife Gay I may make use of this Aside Sir Ruff. But besides I have made Madam Wishwell my Friend It costs me Money indeed but she takes the troublesome part off my Hands She makes Love for me I 'm only to stand by what she says She sends me word we are to Raffle at Siam's in the Afternoon Gay But my Lord and you are fall'n out Sir Ruff. That 's no matter if I cou'd meet him Enter Lord Malepert Garn. Here he comes ready for your purpose Sir Ruff. Give me thy Hand dear Bully Faith I 'm sorry you provok'd me to use you so untowardly Ld. Mal. Really Sir Ruff and so am I with all my Heart I meant no harm I vow and swear If I had not thought you my Friend I wou'd not have pretended to be witty in your Company But Faith and Troth you were bloody Angry Sir Ruff. Come come shall we Dine together Ld. Mal. With all my Heart upon Condition you 'l go with me to Siam's in the afternoon Gay Nay that 's but reasonable To Sir Ruff. Sir Ruff. Then be it so I 'le go along with you Ld. Mal. Well Siam's the best Woman in the World She 's the rarest Company and has all the News Then she 's so fond of me that I verily believe I spend above a Thousand a Year at her House Sir Ruff. Nay Faith then you have Reason Ld. Mal. I vow I shou'd be the worst Man in the World If I did not Love her She has done so handsomely by my Wife Gay As how pray Ld. Mal. Why she heard a Noble Lord and a Great Man at Whitehall say he was in Love with her And what do you think this good Creature did Gay Why pray perhaps that she might resist the Temptation Ld. Mal. O Foolish pray No quite contrary She came to her next morning and told her of it That she might be sure to avoid him Garn. No doubt that was the Reason Gay But my Lord you are not there so often as you us'd Ld. Mal. Why since her Marriage the House is turn'd upside down what do People Marry for but to live easy with every body When there 's no danger of a Rival Methinks a Man should think every one his Friend I 'm sure 't is the Maxim of my Family Gay It should be the Maxim of every Man That 's Born to your Fortune my Lord. Ld. Mal. But the Old Captain you must know has got it into his Head to be Jealous of me and is grown so troublesome he can't endure a Witty Man shou'd come into his Doors Garn. You have giv'n him Cause my Lord. Ld. Mal. Nay indeed if Mrs. Siam was to be had I believe I stand as fair for her as any body But I never had the least dishonourable Thought of her Never saw any thing bare of her above her Knee An inviolable Friendship I must own for her I Love her mightily Gay I thought there was something in 't Sir Ruff. Ay ay no doubt on 't But we shall lose our Dinner Ld. Mal. Nay I wou'd not lose my Dinner for more than I 'le speak of at this time my Wife is very regular at her Meal If I chance to lose a Meal she says I an 't my own Man agen in a week after Sir Ruff. Nor your Wife 's neither my Lord come let 's be gone Exeunt Ld. Mal. and Sir Ruff. Gay 'T is almost One Granger said he wou'd be here Garn. That Friend of yours is a pleasant snarling Fellow And a good Companion 'T is pity he 's so very peevish Gay He has a Thousand good Qualities but they have all a tang of his testy Humour that shows it self in all he says and does like a drop of Oyl left it a Flask of Wine in every Glass you taste it Garn. Here the Gentleman comes to answer for himself Granger Enters with a Footman Foot Sir my Lord commanded me to tell you Company Dines with him And he desires you 'd please to be there Well well Exit Footman Grang. Well well Zounds a Man had as good be ty'd to a Stake and baited like Tom Dove on an Easter Monday as be the necessary appurtenance of a Great Man's Table they make me as much their own as if I were part of their side-board Garn. What 's the matter Mr. Granger Gay Why in such a Passion Grang. Passion why they use me as if I had none about me They won't let me be my own Man 24 Hours together Garn. That 's hard indeed But pray who does encroach upon your Liberty Grang. Who Why who shou'd dare But they who may do any thing Here 's the new Favourite
Commode a lean Face and only serve to make my decays more remarkable Chris. Will you please to use the Wash Wish I use the Wash A Woman turn'd of fifty was ne're design'd to be lookt upon I may Wash and Patch and please my self cheat my hopes with the dayly expence of Plaister and Repairs No body will take the Tenement off my hands Men use us as we use our Spectacles to draw the Object nearer to the Sense Indeed we are the fittest means to guide and light their dark designs home to their ends on younger Women No matter for the Character I live by them and they shall Love by me While I am Mistress of Malepert's Beauty I am not very sensible of the loss of my own For her sake I will be Courted I have so many howd'yees and invitations in the Morning upon her account so many visits in the Afternoon and so many Bows in the Drawing-Room at Night Chris. For her sake you have so many Rafflings and whoever throws most you win the prize For her sake my proud Lord Lofty who scarce bows to Heaven cringes to you and for her sake the whole Town calls you Bawd Aside Wish Time has been when by the merits of my own Face but Chris. I had almost forgot Madam Mrs. Lucy was here this Morning and desires you to remember Mr. Oglewell of the Temple Wish She may rest her self contented he is not for her turn Mrs. Siam sent her Maid to his Chambers yesterday in the Afternoon too his Man deny'd him at first but afterwards confest his Master was in Bed with a fine Gentlewoman one of the common fine things of the Town I suppose and wou'd not be disturb'd Chris. How Madam pretend to marry Mrs. Lucy for Love and be in Bed with another Wish Nay now he 'll hardly marry for Love since he has found a remedy for Love without marrying Chris. Base Man does not he fear a Judgment will follow him Had it been a Match I was to have 50 Pound of her for putting your Ladyship in mind of it Wish And did the Fool believe I wou'd turn Match-maker in my Old Age Chris. Why Madam 't is no such Dishonourable Character Wish But 't is Ridiculous and that 's worse No give me an Office where I may have thanks for what I do Go get the Chocolate and remember I am at home to no body but Lady Malepert Exit Christian. 'T is near the time she was to call me for the India-Houses she turns to more account than any of my former Acquaintance She has hitherto been rul'd by me And I will keep her out of those Gentlemens hands if I can who by engaging her as deep as they can into their Interest will certainly as soon as they can take her out of mine If I may believe her no body but Lord Lofty has yet been happy He grows weary of presenting and must give place to Gamesters that bid more Sir Ruff Rancounter offers very fair While I can keep her to Men where she can like nothing but their Money I am safe Therefore that Brute shall have her But Gayman loves her She likes him too And when the Parties are so far agreed there 's but little work for a third Person to bring 'em together I fear Gayman As I shou'd a French Privateer in the Channel without a Convoy and all my Fortune on board one Vessel For he 's a Master of those thriving Arts and little Rogueries that cheat and please the Women Then to his Person Wit and Industry he has a certain respectful Impudence in his Behaviour few Women can find fault with or resist Christian Enters Christ. Before I cou'd give your Orders to deny you Lord Lofty was told you were at home Wish This must be by Malepert's appointment Wait on him up Christian goes out But now he 's out at Court he shall soon be so with her How Mr. Gayman Enter Gayman Gay 'T is well you nam'd me Madam by the strangeness of your look I was afraid you had forgot me Wish I am surpriz'd you shou'd use another Name to be admitted here where I command you shall always be welcome Gay I was sure the Name I borrow'd wou'd carry me through this Family Wish Your own can do as much Gay Then 't is since his disgrace For not three days ago when you deny'd your self to every body and to me among the crowd of your unseasonoble Visiters my Lord Lofty and Lady Malepert were notoriously above stairs with you above stairs in private with you with you or without you Wish How Mr. Gayman notoriously at my House Gay Why yes Faith Madam it was very notorious And you were so little cautious of concealing it Their Pages were at Play all the afternoon before the Door It made a Jest for every body that went by and wou'd have been apprehended by the very blind Cuckold himself had he hapned in the way Wish 'T is very well Sir now you show your self Gay Why Faith I can't help it I must show my self Upon these occasions 't is every Honest Man's cause and duty to be concern'd to find the best things so abus'd to see a young Ladies Pleasures fall so soon into the Contempt and Scandal of the Town thro' indiscretion or mismannagement I don't tax you of either But the World Wish I defie the World Gay The Flesh and the Devil too good Madam But they 'l get the better of us all Wish And you the worst of Devils What of the World Gay Why People you know are apt to prate And when a Woman of Experience as you may be engages in these Affairs the World expects a Conduct suitable to your Grave Character All the miscarriages of an Intriegue are lay'd on you the Lovers are call'd Fools And you have a worsec Name Wish I see you come to rail I laugh at you Gay I came to make you merry Laugh with me if you please we 'll Laugh at other People While he was in favour I grant you he might be a Friend and there was Reason good for serving him But I know you are truer to the interest of the Drawing-Room than to think any Man that 's in disgrace can be a Friend Since my Good Lord is down ev'n let him lye Another Man may rise out of his fall You can't want Friends I have a hard-harted Father must dye at last And then I can be what you think a Friend Able to come up to your price of thanks Come Not to get a habit of it do a generous thing And let me once speak well of you Wish Very well Gay Come come I 'm in the secret and therefore fittest to be trusted now the Lady 's an out-lying Deer I know you have been accessary to some of her scapes already and can help her over the Pale upon occasion again to serve a Friend Mrs. Wishwell Wish We are both beholden to you Gay If I am not to