even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
world to see with what countenance my Lord looketh upon this and the other action being I hope desirous I am sure if my heart deceive me not to see the will of my God in every promise providence and administration 4 The Lord hath made me faithful in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire that my ends in all I do might onely be to seek the advancement of him my Lord whom I desire only to serve daily begging of him I might no more live to my self as I have too much and have too long done yea when I finde any thing of my self or self-ends to appear or break forth though but in the buds is it not bitter to my soul and such as imbitters the best action to me though otherwise never so good And this desire of serving the Lord I may upon experience say I finde to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others I will not say so though I suppose it to be true also but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul which did in the time of my bondage cause me to fear rather then love him but now the Lord hath in some measure been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin that it is now to a Lord and Father whom at last I would love And I do also lament before him in the sincerity of my soul that I can love him no more who have so much loveliness in him yea nothing but loveliness yea it is a service of a Lord who wills all and maketh the law and maketh it to be just because he can do no evil and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will but this is it I daily press after and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in Further discoveries of Faithfulness 1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart serving the Lord with all the heart soul and strength and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words though with some affection but doing it with all the heart soul and strength and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ And O my soul is not this that thou daily pressest after though thou canst not fully attain unto it what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them Is not thy constant desire that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou doest him 2. They are faithful servants of Christ that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ who intrusteth them with his Ordinances with their health wealth comforts injoyments all I have is but a trust from Christ now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances to do every service to him as they that indeed exercise a point of trust he intrusting me with his glory in this world faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world make him appear great And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with by improving of them to make the utmost advantage for him and so for health and all outward comforts Now O my soul hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart that all that ever thou hast and enjoyest both spiritual and temporal whether ordinances graces comforts all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ and must be improved for him and not spent upon thy self or this world and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord that thou canst not improve them better that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee and by thee but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead and unimproved doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him that he should intrust thee with so much and receive from thee so little Now O my soul doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord beseeching him to reveal his mind will to thee how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee and not onely teach thee his will in it but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually Yea O my soul is there not a continued fear upon thy heart which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cryes before the Lord that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands when ever he sees meet to call for it which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time 1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it when a man is faithful in all that he hath though all that he hath be but a little and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have there is much unfaithfulness in me that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with and yet O my soul maiest thou not also say that there is some degree of this faithfulness or at least a desire after it in thee and maiest thou not say By this law of thy Lord as Paul doth of the Law of God in general With my mind I even my self serve this Law of God in faithfulness though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it which is my daily burthen from which evil in thy own time deliver me oh my God and this I desire to wait for 2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services Now O my soul hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree or measure in this respect who by his own hand power hath carried thee through many a reproach and scoff and scorn and by words making thee like Isaac who was still persecuted by Ishmael and hath not this been thy Lot by some ever reproaching thee scoffing deriding thee backbiting speaking evil abundantly of thee and yet falsly doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest and have reason for it And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this when others taxed thee of hypocrisie and the like to search thy own heart and bemoan before the Lord the
nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
world with me then did the Lord inable me to see that all my former desires would have been nothing but that I might even then have gone to hell as well as afterward whereupon I was much troubled and very desirous to read and hear all the marks of a righteous man that should go to heaven and accordingly I got a book called Mr. Roger's evidences and an other called the Touchstone of true Grace an other called None but Christ and divers others which I did daily read on for many houres together Then came the Divel upon me with this temptation that I should keep all this my trouble to my self and not discover it to any although never so neer or deer unto me which temptation I wholly yeilded unto and that for many years together until I even destroyed my bodily health with continual troubles fears and sadness but not discovering any cause of it so that all the support I had was what the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by hearing and reading which he was pleased to make effectuall still to lead me on though with much trouble and sadness then in the beginning of these troubles being in the year 1638. or 1639. I being some 12 or 13 years old which being times of great fears and sadness the people of God met often and spake one to an other and kept dayes of humiliation and seeking the Lord in the behalf of the nation and his poor people in it my parents often going to these meetings but not daring to tell me it the times being so dangerous at last having often observed the frame of their spirits at such times more especially I began much to long and desire to know whither they went and being very importunate with my Mother to that end and at last prevailing she was content to let me go along with them which was so pleasing to me that ever after I continued to go with them every week almost and sometimes oftner where I found often much refreshment especially bearing up my heart under those eminent dangers which in an especial manner we lay open unto which the Divel perceiving to be agreat incouragement to me in the way I now desired to walk in used many temptations working together with the corruptions of my own heart in this estate of my childhood to hinder me from enjoying these opportunities as some times sleepiness being fain to go early in the morning and cold it being in the deep of winter c. with several other temptations as the danger if we should be taken as some had been and all this to discourage me which sometimes he well nigh accomplished but pondering it sin my minde and being inabled to conceive it to be but a temptation I durst very seldome if ever give way to them but was still inabled to break thorough Though truely I have much admired since how my spirit was carried out in those dayes in joyning in prayer c. how exceedingly sometimes my heart was wrought upon and constrained to pour forth teares and groanes yea my heart was wrought up to such a frame and I found so much sweetness as I apprehended in the company of the saints and those enjoyments my soul felt in such duties that I thought I could freely and cheerfully lay down my life with them more freely than I fear I could long since Master Love then coming to London and sometimes meeting him at these private meetings and so having some knowledg of him and being afterwards chosen Chaplain to my fathers Regiment and so going to Windsor with us about the year 1642. and so living in the house with us for 2 years a half who at our first going perceiving much sadness to lye upon my spirit and knowing by experience what a troubled spirit was he having formerly laine under it for divers years did at last seriously burthen me with it which coming upon me in such a nick of time having but a little before been reading in a little book that I had wherein I was directed that if any trouble lay upon my spirit I should reveal it that so I might receive satisfaction which pondering with in my self I durst not deny it but tell him in some measure the ground of my trouble and he endeavouring to satisfie me from the word which he had no sooner done in any measure but still the Divell begins with new and fresh temptations and when what had been said to me was a little out of my mind which he would soon find occasion to put out then comes he over with the old temptations again working them fresh upon my thoughts endeavouring still to drive me to despaire of ever receiving any mercy of God Then stood I convinced from the word and divers instruction I met withall grounded thereupon that it was my duty to perform private duties as well as publick as prayer meditation examination and the like which I knew not how to set about in a serious manner being every way unfit for it and unable to it so that often through neglect and mis-performance this also added to my trouble and sadness Then hearing Mr. Love preach upon that Scripture Mat. 5. 20. For I say unto you Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees you shall in no wise enter into the kingdome of heaven And hearing how farre the Pharisees went in the performance of duties and avoiding of evills c. which I saw my self so short of which made me conclude I should also be short of heaven my eyes understanding being then with-held from the right understanding of the spiritual sense of that Scripture which since the Lord of his rich grace hath inabled me to see fulfilled in the Lord Jesus who is mine through faith A while after he did also preach upon that Scripture in Heb. 12. 15 16 17. Looking diligently lest there be any fornicator or profane person as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his birth-right For you know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Upon the hearing of which it was suggested to me that I had never sought the blessing so diligently carefully and importunately as profane Esau did and therefore should much more go without it the thoughts of which scriptures among divers others struck so deep in me that it much increased my sadness so that I could take little delight in any thing in the world but as often as I could refusing to go into any company choosing rather a solitary life yet still endeavouring to keep all to my self making nothing known but only those daily bodily weaknesses which did also accompany me in great measure In this condition I continued for that time I was at Windsor being often condemned in my own conscience for my neglect of duties and commission of sin c. And what ever had at
into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him
of Encouragement as if the Lord should say You shall see that my heart is in this Work that I will not only do it but I greatly desire to do it and therefore if it were possible for me to forget it yet I give you this liberty and freedom to come and put me in remembrance nay I lay it as a law of love upon you that you do thus come and minde me of it Put me in remembrance let us plead together Oh the admirable condiscention in this high God who hath so much povver as he hath before expressed that he can work and none can let it and yet will suffer his poor Worm to plead with him About the beginning of this fifth Month there were these hints given me and hopes from the Lord which I do not yet know but I may take as an answer to several Petitions put up to him As first That I had not lived answerable to that counsel the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by Mr. Cradock i.e. Not to speak evil of any one or other behind their back but I have often cryed out to others not to themselves of the pride of this body and that body and the passion of this or that person and yet behold how sadly it reigns in my self may not the Lord righteously suffer it in me and shew me the evil and folly of it beholding the Mote in anothers eye and behold a beam in my own at this time also was that brought to my hands in Jam. 1. 2 6. If any man among you seem to be reliâ—ious and bridleth not his tongue but deceiveth his own heart this mans religion is in vaine A sad word Also in the 4. 5. 6. Verses of this same Chapter 4. But let patience have her perfect work that you may be perfect and entire wanting nothing 5. If any of you lack wisdome let him ask it of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him 6. But let him â—sk in faith nothing wavering for hee that wavereth is lik a wave of the sea driven with the winde and tossed A gratious promise to those that lack wisdome and aske it and in the 4. ch of Iam. v. 2 3 you ask and receive not because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lusts And truly what do I know but that the Lord doth suffer this lust as he did the Canaanites of old to trouble the Israelites so this lust to humble me and prove me and know or make me to know what is in my heart O my soule how hast thou need then to set all the force of thy soule a gainst this bitter root of pride which for ought I know was the cause of all other evils O the wayes that the Lord hath taken to pluck up this root out of thy heart hath not all thy afflictions of inward and outward man beene directed as it were against this sin what delight else hath the Almighty to lay sickness and weakness upon thee why doth he thinkest thou permit all the mocks and jears thou daily meetest with why it was for that continued working up of thy pride notwithstanding all his dealings with thee to pul downe when thou art lifted up too much so that thou mayst thank thy own pride for all Some hints from the Lord at Mr. Thorns about the end of the 5 Month 1654 which I know not but may be an answer of former petitions May-be thou wouldest honour God in one way and condition and he would have thee to honour him in another yea may-be he would have thee honour him by living by faith rouling upon him for the subduing of thy corruptions and in the mean time will be honoured by continual strugling and fighting with them O my soule hast thou not often yea oh how often tempted the Lord sadly concerning this and the Lord grant it may be the last after many solemn resolutions and promises unto the Lord never to provoke him thus any more and yet to do it again yea might not the Lord do this even in answer to prayer thou having begged of him that morning to give and order all thy words and actions that day oh that God would at last make thee wise and so order thy spirit and subdue this rising of corruption so as thou maist never more provoke him in this kind Vpon the 6 of this 6 month 1654. The Lorddrew out my heart in the morning to seek of him that he would be pleased to bow down and appeare gloriously and gratiously to and through his servant Mr Knight who had but the day before at Fulham Chappel so exceedingly pressed us to seek the Lord for him which wrought upon my heart greatly to begg of God that he might find the fruit of the prayers of his people on his behalf As also that my poor soule and others that did appeare to meet that morning might have a gratious visit from him that none of all my unfittness to attend upon him or unfruitfullness under former appearances might hinder his gratious presence with and to my soul this day but that though there was nothing in me to move him to it yet that he would doe it for his own name and glory sake that my soul might have such a light of him as might conform me more and more to him And how graciously was the Lord pleasd to bow down this day as a God hearing prayer that first on the behalf of his servant Mr Knight that was to speak this day in his name how gloriously did hee appeare not only through his Poor worms but even in him also greatly drawing out his heart both in prayer preaching In prayer and therein begging of God in the entrance of his services his presence and mightily in a way of faith rouling upon him for an answer of prayer even at this present season The 27 of this 6 Month being the Lords day and finding my heart very dead and cold all the week and also now very unprepared to meet the Lord or expect any appearance at all from him I did yet in a few short desires present my request to him beging his mighty presence unvailing the Lord Iesus both to and through his servant to our poor souls beseeching him also that I might have a clear sight of his goodness in it and that he would please to appear a God nay and not a God a far off telling him withal that my poor soul had found him to be so notwithstanding all my unfitness and unworthiness beseeching him even now to make it appear to my soul that he is a God hearing prayer and that he would give my soul a very glorious sight of my Lord Iesus and not only discover him to me but cause these discoveries to work with mighty power upon my heart really taking it off from all other things whatsoeuer and fix it wholy upon himselfe with many other requests of this
and passeth judgement upon him and them Dying thou shalt dye temporally spiritually and eternally and there shall be enmity between thy seed and the womans that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan and perish eternally How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably for that one sin of pride though such glorious creatures who could do more then thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church being spiritual had they stood who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could yea could have fed Eli ahs and Daniels yet these for that sin perished eternally 2. It appears by the way he taketh to repel it sin having gotten the Throne and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it and not able to oppose it now Christ hates it so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin and he will dye to destroy it 3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are over-powered by sin who are judged to eternal fite without pitty or recovery Then he came to shew us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquitie And O my soul with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart As 1. He shewed us That Christs loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a believer in this hatred of his for as Christ hateth the sin but loveth the believer so the believer hateth iniquitie but loveth Christ so that the love of both persons center in one and their hatred in one and their love meeteth in each others person and their hatred also and that Believers hate sin so that nothing can breed more love then this doth Christ saith I hate Iniquity oh therefore hate it more ye believers yea pursue the life of it and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred 2. Christ is lovelie for hating sin because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer the poor soul hateth sin but is not able to deal with it but Christ so hateth it that he is able to conquer it Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this that though the poor soul be over-powered with sin daylie yet that Christ hateth it and is engaed aginst it as hating of him So that now either Chriist or it must perish Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruine of the souls Enemies Sin and Satan which seek thy ruine daylie But blessed be God that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruine them either he or sin must cown Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan Christ like fire will consume and burn them yea as he shewed this hatred was an act of Christs will and if he hath not his Will where is his God-head Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ and the Will of sin I will damn thee to Hell saith sin and Satan But I will kill thee O sin and Satan saith Christ so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons as for Christs Wil and Christ will certainly have his wil oh blessed word to my soul 3. Christ is lovely in this because the Saints see the glory of all Christs other excellencies through this the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christs hatred but see not the justness and righteousness of all Christs administrations as the Saints do they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damning of men to Hell for sin yea the Saints can behold Christs love to them in this hatred of sin This 10th of this Moneth being the same Lords day in the Evening while I was endeavouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God for his eminent appearances this day which I desire never to forget it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart that the best thankfulness for mercy received is to gather in upon God for more mercy I did therefore desire That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day he would please to adde this mercy which I desired to plead with him for this Evening That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Jesus Christ against sin that he would now also shew its evil by experience that it might appear that really he doth hate sin yea every sin in my soul by his pursuing the life and drawing out the blood of it telling him withal That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul then needs must this corruption of mine in a special manner being so diametrically opposite to him as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne yea even at this present wherein he hath so gloriously appeared that the consolations of God were not small to my soul they coming with such mighty power praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corruption and let my soul find that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ and shall certainly be ruined by him Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me I was in a great question whether I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no at last I desired to give it up to the Lord bseeching him to direct me what to do desiring only to be led by him At last I resolved God willing to wait upon him this day at Fulham and as for the next day let the Lord do with me what he will whether to fit me to go or disable me having many fears upon my spirit concerning my going whether it were a right and pure aiming at God and seeking his presence yea or no being not able to satisfie my self in this question Thus I say desiring the Lords appearances to my soul and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage I went this day to Fulham where the Lord shewed me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see and the ears that hear the things you hear whence the Lord shewed me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them those many sights he had given me of himself when he had left so many in the dark and never given them one glimpse of himself But being exceeding ill and weary this night I went to bed betimes waiting what the Lord would do with me and truly in the Morning I thought I found my self unfit to go forth considering also our meeting the next day which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy yet I must needs say I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going did more discourage me then the unfitness of my body but what through the one and the other I durst not go forth this 21. day and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget onely went and I stayed at home but when I arose I found my self pretty well so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home fearing that this may be only a subtile device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity and so turning my self to the Lord I besought him that if it were he that had this day prevented me that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly whiles I was endeavouring to press this upon the Lord immediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart or rather the Lord was pleased to to drop it which was this Oh Lord how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy gloous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmure at thy holy and blessed will which is part of thy essential glory if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me why then is not the sight of thy will which is thy self much more glorious then the Rayes of thine that shine upon thy creatures why is not this as pleasing as delightful and contentful to me which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire the Lord make it of use to me I am sure it was such a confideration and meditation that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit The Lord in mercy for Christs sake make it so The 22. of this tenth month being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting I earnestly besought the Lord That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day he would also go along with me and vouchsafe his gracious presence to me in speaking some seasonable word to my poor soul that might appear even to come from himself begging also his presence in and through all these his instruments which he should please to make use of this day And O my soul how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in chearing and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit even so as thou wert not able to continue thy selfe in this wonderful appearance of God casting them upon so suteable a word even to the estate of my poor soul at this present and that Scripture our brother Oâ—… began with and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor was the 73 â—sa The End of the Third Book FINIS