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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A43768	Conjugall counsell, or, Seasonable advice, both to unmarried, and married persons directing the first how to enter into marriage estate, and the other how to demeane themselves in the Christian discharge of all such duties as that estate of life blads them to, that God may have glory, the church edification, and themselves and families, present and future comfort, tending much (by the blessing of God) to a through reformation of all the enormities of these evil times / by T.H. ...	Hilder, Thomas.	1653 (1653)	Wing H1974; ESTC R20660	113,375	218

of thy future tranquillity glory and blisse at the right hand of thy dearest Saviour in Heaven to all Eternity hereafter In the sixth place The sixth duty of the Husband to his Wife it is the duty of the Husband to his wife to beare with her infirmities We that are strong ought saith the Apostle to beare the infirmities of the weake Rom. 15.1 And Peter in 1 Pet. 3.7 saith the woman is the weaker vessell Ergo A man ought to beare with the Infirmities of his wife But the question is what faults may be said to be Infirmities to be borne with in any in generall and in the woman in particular I answer these and such like as forgetfulnesse of some materiall businesse some unusuall neglect of duty to the Husband Children or Servants some wasting and spoyling of the Creature contrary to Custome formerly or purpose then or some not ordinary breakin gs forth into extravagant and exorbitant passions heat and Choler of the last kind we shall find two very sad presidents from two gracious women and of two patterns of admirable patience in their Husbands The first is the extreame but groundlesse passion of Sarah formerly Sarai raised against her Husband Abraham Gen. 16 2 3.4 5 6. we shall abbreviate the Divine History Sarai was barren and Aged she despaires of being naturall mother to any Children who did therefore desire to be the reputed mother of Children she makes a motion such a one as it was unto her Husband to go in to her Maid Hagar Abraham hearkens to her voice and doth it Hagar conceives then is elevated in herselfe and casts off due honour from her Mistris which she discerning is presently full of passion and vents it very uncivilly into the bosome of her Husband and speakes thus that is My wrong be upon thee I gave thee my maid into thy bosome and when she saw that she had conceived I was despised in her eyes th● Lord judge betweene me and thee Well Sara● what 's the matter Here is a great complaint out who hath done thee the wrong What Abram No he poore man is innocent in comparison of thy selfe what a false charge i● here drawn up against Abram What clamor upon it What appeales to God about it But how doth Abram demeane himselfe in the condition Truly singularly well he beats wi● this infirmity in his wife he knew this w● not the frame and temper of her spirit an● therefore answers very mildly and saith to be behold thy Maid is in thy hand do to her at pleaseth thee The second sad president as beforesaid is that of the carraige of Zipporah to her husband Moses Ex. 4.19 20 21 25 26 Moses being commanded by God to leave the land of Midian and to returne into Egypt about the delivering of the Children of Israel out of bondage he takes his Wife and Sons and the Rod of God in his hand and begins his journey but be having neglected the observation of a speciall Ordinance of God viz. the circumcising of his Son God saith the Text met him in the Inne and sought to kill him where note by the way that it is a dangerous thing for a man to take a journey though upon as lawfull an occasion as can be with the neglect of a duty or the guilt of any sin lying on the conscience unrepented of Moses you see is in great danger of death and his wife knowing the cause of it takes a sharpe stone and cuts off the fore-skin of her Son and throws it at his feet with these words surely a bloudy husband art thou unto me which was a very Contemptible Contumelious uncivill and unmannerly behaviour in her yet he is silent bears with her infirmities and no doubt but he did consider there lay a sad temptation on her spirit and withall was conscientious of his own sin against God and so sweetly passeth by his wives weakness Now these infirmities which a Husband out of duty to his wife must beare with must not be publike nor giving scandall and offence to others Nay whatever they are he must take a fit opportunity to give her a sweet reproofe for such a Husband as is in a passion for his wives infirmities will make such a smoake in his house as shall disturbe all in or neare it The discretion of a man deferreth his anger and it is his glory to passe by a transgression Prov. 19.11 The seventh duty of the Husband to his Wife The seventh duty the Husband doth owe unto his Wife is due maintenance in all things both inward and outward for her comfortable bodily subsistance here both in life and livelihood for supportation of health whilest it is enjoyed and for restoration of it when decayed And this to be performed with as much dearenesse of affections and tendernesse of heart as to himselfe which duty the Apostle clearely requires husbands to performe to their wives Eph 5.28 29. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies be that loveth his wife loveth himselfe for no man ever yet hated his own flesh but cherisheth and nourisheth it even as Christ doth his Church Now we know all men will nourish their own bodies with such meat and drink and Physick with such Preservatives and Restoratives of health as is necessary And they will cherish their own body with such Apparell as may not only keep them warme in their bodies but be some delight unto their minds The same for kind and measure for quality and quantity they must allow unto their wives if it be of necessity or necessary for them which I dare presume it is almost alwaies Yet this must be granted that a man must not maintaine himselfe in any thing either for food or rayment above his ability or unbecoming his place and Calling Neither must he allow it his wife and doubtlesse no discreet wife will desire the same Beloved you have heard at large that it is the duty of the Husband to his Wife to tender the good of her soule and can any man think that the good of her body is to be neglected Truly it were absurd for any to conceit any such thing God would not have the mouth of the Oxe to be muzled when he treadeth out the Corne Deut. 25.4 and will he have the mouth of her muzled that doth draw with thee in the same yoke Surely no The Apostle saith that he is worse than an Infidell that doth not provide for his own Family 1 Tim. 5.8 Now if the whole Family must be provided for as none dare deny then much more she who in thy absence is the head of the Family and in thy own presence thy right-hand Mate VVhat encouragement can thy wife have to seek thy good when thou shalt in whole or in part neglect hers Besides when thou shalt especially with cheerefulnesse allow thy wife all due and necessary maintenance for her comfort and encouragement in this life if she

Affable carriage of a meeke and quiet spirit the happinesse whereof will be permanent In the next place we shall proceed by the helpe of God to some outward yet very necessary qualifications for thee to pitch thy thoughts on and to labour to obtaine that so thou maiest lay a good ground-worke to prevent too late Repentance in thee for thy Rashnesse The third qualification In the third place to make an addition to thy comforts in the Marriage Estate be very carefull in thy Choice to satisfie thine Eye both in the Person and Favour of such a One as thou wouldst enjoy for thy Consort both in Bed and at Board as we say And in this thou must be somewhat curious Beloved there is a threefold Curiosity First there is an unnecessary Curiositie thou maiest be nice and this is fleshly and carnall and may come within just suspition of that sin of making provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof Rom. 13.14 Secondly there is a Prudentiall Curiosity and that is when a man laies a ground-worke of Contentation before-hand yet therein observing a Mediocrity too for the future Thirdly there is a conscientious Curiosity and that is when a Christian labours to prevent temptations and so to circumvent his spirituall Adversaries Now the first that is Unnecessary Curiosity is to be condemned but the other two to be commended for they provide for purity of heart and life as also for perpetuating love and sweet society First it provides for purity c. and prevents the contrary for by undeniable consequence it will follow That he who doth not rejoice in the Wife of his Youth and he whose Wife is not to him as a loving Hind and pleasant Roe will be ravisht with a strange woman and embrace the bosome of a stranger Prov. 5.18 19 20. Rebecca was beautifull and faire Gen. 26.7 And her Husband was taken therewith for he could not forbeare dalliance with her when it was dangerous to his life ver 8 9. Which strength of his affections to her being so abundantly satisfied with her beauty Divines render as a reason that he only of all the Patriarkes was preserved from the sin of Polygamy strength of affections betweene married persons is a soveraigne antidote against all uncleannesse And how can strength of Affections be expected where there is not satisfaction in each others persons But where there is there Temporall mercies become spirituall advantages then judge whether it be not under this maine consideration of very great concernment to mind meeting with both person and favour in such a one as thou desirest to wed But in a second place yet in a way of subordination to the former this satisfaction before spoken of tends to the perpetuating love betweene thee and thy pleasing Consort Jacob had two wives Leah and Rachel Now the Holy Ghost mentions no deformity in Leah but that she was tender-eyed but Rachel saith the Text was beautifull and faire or well-favoured Gen. 19.17 Then in ver 18. the Text saith and Jacob loved Rachel and said to her Father I will serve thee seven yeares for Rachel thy youngest Daughter He was so taken with her beauty that he was content to serve even a seven yeares apprentiship as we may say for her and verse 30. it is said He loved Rachel more than Leah But some may say Hot love is soone cold did this love hold out I answer Gen 35.19 yea longer than life for after God tooke Rachel away by death who died in Child-bearing her Husband takes care two waies to preserve the remembrance of her First he cals her Son whom she died of Benjamin the son of my right hand as if he had said this Benjamin was the son of my wife Rachel who was as deare to me as my right hand His mother had call'd him Benoni as much as to say the son of my sorrow but that name must not passe because it would not hold out the strength of Jacobs affection to Rachel Secondly Rachel must have a Piller erected on her grave as we noted before on another occasion for an Honourable remembrance of her to posterity and it was call'd the piller of Rachels grave saith the Text Gen. 35.20 Yet further marke the expressions of Jacob concerning Rachel many yeares after her death as the Narrative of them are made by Judah And thy Servant my Father said unto us Ye know that my wife bare me two Sons Gen. 44.27 My Wife which as it is here used is an emphaticall expression he doth not say one of my wives nor yet my wife Rachel but my wife he seemes to forget that Leah was his wife or as if he had no wives lying in his bosome but only Rachel I say A man being fully satisfied in his Wives person and favour his love is perpetuated it prevents many sad eruptions heart-breakings and unkindnesses it sweetens society it helps to a comfortable bearing of afflictions it easeth cares do not thinke it to be a triviall thing to labour to receive full content in the person of thy wife I am able to acquaint thee that I knew a Gentleman who was very godly that being to looke out for a Wife which was indeed to be a second wife he tooke speciall care to meet with one truly gracious and of a sweet loving and meek nature and I am able with much confidence to averre he was not frustrate therein But in the meane time did deny himselfe about her person for he was so taken with the other two that he accepted of a person crooked and of hard favour but within short time sad is it to tell he takes her defects into consideration and by degrees fals to slight his wife and then to hate her and take no delight in society with her who being once in speciall in a great passion and rage against her in the time of Family Prayer did in her own hearing and in the presence of divers of his Children growne up to some discretion and also in the hearing of his Servants earnestly beg of God to discover unto him that great sin of his that did provoke him to give him a crooked wife Truly it was a crooked prayer and did mightily disturbe and not without cause this precious wife It is true that favour is deceitfull and beauty is vanity as hath been considered already But that hath been only in relation to the making it the Object of thy love for so it is vaine and sinfull yet it hath its use and some eyes must have many graines of it too to make a well accomplished wife for them Here by the way how much then are those Parents to blame that straine their power over their Children beyond due limits in laying engagements and commands on them to like of such persons for Husbands and Wives for them as they shall thinke most meet which if they will not because many times they cannot by reason they are not able to close in

are the same that the VVife doth owe unto her Husband And some that the VVife doth owe unto her Husband are the same that the Husband doth owe unto his VVife yet with some apparent differences But now there remaines some duties to be considered of that are equally due to each other though not before proposed and must be so handled The first joynt duty between a man and wife The first joint duty betweene man and wife equally obliging both is that they labour to maintaine a good opinion one of another touching their faithfulness in keeping the Marriage Covenant and that neither of them have violated the same by lodging their hearts in the bosome of strangers or defiling their bodies with them For if for want of care herein there appeare ground of just suspition of unfaithfulnesse jealousie will get into the heart and take up its residence there untill it have consumed the sap and devoured the root of all true love And then miserable daies in all probability will be the portion of both as long as their unhappy lives last Marke how Solomon in the Canticles doth describe jealousie Jealousie is cruell as the grave the coales thereof are coales of fire which have a most vehement flame Eccl. 8.6 this fire will not admit of any limits I say againe it will eat out love it will consume joy and all comfort in the Marriage-Estate yea it will waste the flesh the marrow and the bone and shorten life it selfe Jealousie saith the Holy Ghost is the rage of a man therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance He will not regard a Ransome neither will he rest content though thou givest many gifts Prov. 6.34 35. Of all wrongs that can be offered to man or wife they will not endure this breach of the Conjugall Contract good natures especially gracious hearts in man and wife will beare with the Infirmities of each other but they will not be patient when they see this cursed enormity Here then you see that this care that is to be taken by both parties to labour to preserve in their hearts a good opinion of each other this way may well fall in as a duty to be minded of exceeding high concernment The second joint duty between man and wife equally concerning both is The second joynt duty betweene a man and wife the yielding to each other due benevolence the Apostle expressely requires it 1 Cor. 7.3 and gives an undeniable reason for it in ver 4. and in ver 5. he tels us upon the matter that to deny the same each to other is to defraud each other but I refer you to the place and will not adde one syllable more on this point for speciall reason The third joynt duty between a man and Wife The third and last joint duty of man and wife equally concerning both is that they do not pollute or defile the Marriage bed for it may be polluted c. two waies First by Inordinatenesse Secondly by unseasonableness First by Inordinatenesse when Married persons abuse their liberty in Marriage-Conjunctions to excesse and so make it a meanes rather to encrease Concupiscence than to mortifie the same they should cast on water to quench lust and not Oyle to enflame the fury thereof God hath ordained Marriage as a meanes to avoid Fornication but this excesse we speake of makes even such persons more obnoxious to temptations to that sin than happily most are that are in the single condition And God doth many times severely punish this sin but the Philosopher will tell you how He will acquaint you that by this inordinate and over-frequent actings you do evacuate the best spirits which God and Nature hath not only appointed for generation but for the supportation of the body of man which otherwise would be full of Imbecillity but being so profusely cast away there followeth much weaknesse in the body raging paines in the head and sometimes that exceeding sad affliction of the running of the Reines and sometimes the effect of these distempers brings death Now it is true both sexes are not joint sufferers alike but they are joint sinners and should jointly be humbled and reformed Thus much for the first head but secondly the Marriage-bed may be polluted by using it in unseasonable times for there are two times that God doth prohibite these conjunctions in First in case the Lord call us to the duty of Fasting and Prayer then there must be a cessation and intermission this way 1 Cor. 7 5. Defraud not one another except with consent for a time that you may give your selves to Fasting and prayer The Lord also by the Prophet Joel requires the Bridegroome to go forth of his Chamber in the day of humiliation Joel 2.15 16. VVhen the people of God make their approaches before the Lord on extraordinary occasions there must be very serious preparations to such duties And as jewels and rich apparrell must be laid aside in some cases as Exod. 33.4 5 6. So upon some other approaches they must not come at their wives Exo. 19.15 Thus much for the first unseasonable time whereby the Marriage-bed is polluted But secondly In a speciall manner this sin may be committed in those ordinary seasons of extraordinary flux or over-flowings of nature in the Feminine gender for then the Lord hath forbidden all neere approaches in such a way as we speake to and that under a speciall penalty even the being cut off from their people which was either by death or castings out from Church-society to the later I encline Lev. 18.19 Chap. 20.18 and in Ezek. 22.10 the Lord complaines that in Jerusalem there were a very flagitious people this way Now then by these pollutions of the Marriage-bed first by Inordinatenesse Secondly Unseasonablenesse the opinion of an Orthodoxe Divine will be confirmed which is that as a man may be a drunkard with his own drinke and a glutton with his own meat so a man may be a filthy and uncleane person with his own wife And for the sin of these last persons defiling the Marriage-bed by their unnaturall and uncleane Conjunctions God doth punish it according to the observation of the Philosopher with an unhealthfull and leprous Off-spring And for ought thou knowest with spirituall judgements on thy soule even hardnesse of heart and finall Impenitency Therefore in the name and feare of the great God it concernes you both to keep at a far distance from these pollutions in the Marriage-condition This may suffice for these three last and joint duties concerning both man wife First to avoid the giving any cause for jealousie to enter into the heart Secondly the yielding to each other due benevolence And lastly a religious care to shun all pollution in the Marriage-bed either by Inordinatenesse or unseasonablenesse in the use thereof We are now by the Lords good leave and divine assistance to proceed to the last thing propounded in the beginning which we are to

among all men which indeed it is the words following containe an Admonition and run thus Therefore is not to be enterprized that is Marriage nor taken in hand unadvisedly lightly or wantonly to satisfie mens carnall lusts and appetites like brute Beasts that have no understanding but Reverently discreetly advisedly soberly and in the feare of God duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained c. such rash inconsiderate heady and unadvised persons as these never labour to see themselves to have a cleare Call to change their conditions by entring into the Marriage estate They desire no spirituall gifts to enable them to performe spirituall duties They look not upon any qualifications in the party they desire to enjoy in such a condition provided there be person and beauty to satisfie their brutish lusts and mony to please their covetous humour they will marry their hearts and soules to a bag of silver or gold these answer the Proverbe What hath she what is she and so they make money to answer all things As Solomon speakes yet to other ends Eccl. 10.19 And as for the way and meanes which God hath sanctified and appointed for men to walke in and make use of to obtaine good wives and meet helpers they will not set one foot in them they will not go to God by prayer for direction this way and for successe herein they scarce know what God is and for the duty of Prayer they know not so much as the A B C of it and as for Parents consent they regard not that all they desire is to inveigle maids to love them and enchant their foolish affections to answer their unreasonable desires let Parents consent or not consent what care they but for some sinister ends for portion sake or to attaine preferment by their favour There is an impure generation who have overspread the Nation yea and many other parts too like the Locusts in Egypt Exod. 10.14 who purposely do invent obscene lascivious scurrilous and filthy songs and Ballads on purpose to pollute and poyson young Virgins and Maids with carnall fleshly and abominable lusts that so they may bring them over to themselves for uncleane dalliance at present and then make them yield to their hellish Motions and run point blanke against the consent of their Parents to bestow themselves on them but poore Creatures when they thinke they are good wives they are but filthy Whores so long as Parents consent is not obtained by means whereof the Common-wealth is filled with abundance of Whores Bastards by which meanes also it comes to passe that Townes and Parishes are so over-charged with poore that there can scarce be an able Family there And where be they who labour to informe themselves in the duties which married persons are call'd to performe each to other and both to their Families And these duties to mind as I have said before Marriage that afterward they might practice them Truly this is the condition of multitudes of Men and Women now conjoyned together after their way in Marriage by reason whereof the Land is full of ignorant and extreamely profane Families by this meanes it is come to passe that the power of Godlinesse is slighted here is the cause why Sabbaths are profaned this is the cause why faithfull Ministers are the scorne of this Age this is the cause of so much Whoredome Drunkennesse Lying Cheating Over-reaching and what not amongst us Ah you poore soules who have contracted Marriage before you were call'd to it and have so wickedly entred into and lived in it all the sins before-mentioned and also what sins else can be named must like so many illegitimate children be brought and laid at your door and you must be Fathers and Mothers to them Never looke to prosper in your soules especially untill you labour to remove the guilt by repentance and teares of godly Compunction and untill thou reforme for which end be carefull to be informed in the duties thou art called to performe in the state of Marriage and then set about the discharge of them as in the presence of God labour to redeeme lost time by double diligence in the well improving the future and so God may yet be gracious to you and yours and make you blessings both to Church and Common-wealth In the last place it may serve for instruction Vse 2 First unto the unmarried And secondly to those in the Married condition First let me direct my selfe to you that are in the single Estate but yet mind a change of that life of yours as opportunity shall serve you to accomplish your desires Dost thou then desire I say to change thy condition as beforesaid and wouldst thou faine enjoy a meet helper in all conditions God shall put thee into whether prosperity or adversity Then let me exhort thee and be thou exhorted in the name and feare of God to see God going before thee by a cleare Call to enterprize so great a businesse even in fitting thee for the same as hath been before laid downe and in particular labour to get an humble spirit and an understanding heart to discharge all duties to every relation that God shall set under thee and that for their good both of body and soule that thou maiest be a blessing to them and they under God a comfort to thee labour to propound to thy selfe lawfull ends in that thy undertaking and be sure walke in warrantable waies and use godly and lawfull meanes to carry on thy desires by and amongst those meanes set down for thy direction mind well in a way of practice the going to God by Prayer then use double care and diligence to meet with one for thy companion who is of a gracious frame both of heart and life so far as possibly can be discerned And for those other qualifications before-mentioned be so far from slighting them that rather on the contrary be unsatisfied in thy thoughts if thou find any one of them wanting Yet not so unsatisfied as to divert thy affections from such a party because some one of them are undiscerned and perhaps some others a little defective but if the maine be there then in the name and feare of the great God proceed gradually to put a period to all thy cares paines and endeavours that way and now being married if thou wouldst have God say amen to all those joyes thy friends and acquaintance wish thee then set thy selfe the worke that lyeth before thee namely thy godly and Christian-like discharging of all the duty that estate cals for from thee which brings me to the second thing proposed in this Use that is to speake a word or two of Instruction to those in the Marriage condition It is a true saying that Marriage is either Merry-age or Mar-age But if thou wouldst have it to thee Merry-age and not Mar-age then now labour to walke with God in the conscientious discharge of all the duties that the same estate ties thee to