Man Dam your dearness It concerns more than my life my honour Fid. Doubt it not Sir Man And do not discover it by too much fear of discovering it but have a great care you let not Freeman find it out Fid. I warrant you Sir I am already all joy with the hopes of your commands and shall be all wings in the execution of 'em speak quickly Sir Man You said you wou'd beg for me Fid. I did Sir Man Then you shall beg for me Fid. With all my heart Sir Man That is Pimp for me Fid. How Sir Man D' ye start thinkst thou thou cou'dst do me any other service Come no dissembling honour I know you can do it handsomly thou were made for 't You have lost your time with me at Sea you must recover it Fid. Do not Sir beget your self more Reasons for your Aversion to me and make my obedience to you a fault I am the unfittest in the World to do you such a service Man Your cunning arguing against it shews but how sit you are for it No more dissembling here I say you must go use it for me to Olivia Fid. To her Sir Man Go flatter lie kneel promise any thing to get her for me I cannot live unless I have her Didst thou not say thou wou'dst do any thing to save my life And she said you had a persuading face Fid. But did not you say Sir your honour was dearer to you than your life And wou'd you have me contribute to the loss of that and carry love from you to the most infamous most false and Man And most beautifull Sighs aside Fid. Most ungrateful Woman that ever liv'd for sure she must be so that cou'd desert you so soon use you so basely and so lately too do not do not forget it Sir and think Man No I will not forget it but think of revenge I will lie with her out of revenge Go be gone and prevail for me or never see me more Fid. You scorn'd her last night Man I know not what I did last night I dissembled last night Fid. Heavens Man Be gone I say and bring me love or compliance back or hopes at least or I 'll never see thy face again by Fid. O do not swear Sir first hear me Man I am impatient away you 'll find me here till twelve Turns away Fid. Sir Man Not one word no insinuating Argument more or soothing persuasion you 'll have need of all your Rhetorick with her go strive to alter her not me be gone Ex. Man at the end of the Stage Manet Fidelia Fid. Shou'd I discover to him now my Sex And lay before him his strange cruelty Twou'd but incense it more No 't is not time For his Love must I then betray my own Were ever Love or Chance till now severe Or shifting Woman pos'd with such a task Forc'd to beg that which kills her if obtain'd And give away her Lover not to lose him Ex. Fidel. Enter Widow Blackacre in the middle of half a dozen Lawyers whisper'd to by a Fellow in black Jerry Blackacre following the croud Wid. Offer me a Reference you saucy Companion you d' ye know who you speak to Art thou a Solicitor in Chancery and offer a Reference A pretty Fellow Mr. Serjeant Ploddon here 's a Fellow has the impudence to offer me a Reference Serj. Plod Who 's that has the impudence to offer a Reference within these Walls Wid. Nay for a Splitter of Causes to do 't Serj. Plod No Madam to a Lady learned in the Law as you are the offer of a Reference were to impose upon you Wid. No no never fear me for a Reference Mr. Serjeant But come have you not forgot your Brief Are you sure you shan't make the mistake of Hark you Whispers Go then go to your Court of Common-Pleas and say one thing over and over again You do it so naturally you 'll never be suspected for protracting time Serj. Plod Come I know the course of the Court and your business Ex. Serj. Plod Wid. Let 's see Ierry where are my Minutes Come Mr. Quaint pray go talk a great deal for me in Chancery let your words be easie and your Sense hard my Cause requires it Branch it bravely and deck my Cause with flowers that the Snake may lie hidden Go go and be sure you remember the Decree of my Lord Chancellor Tricesimo quart ' of the Queen Quaint I will as I see cause extenuate or examplifie Matter of Fact baffle Truth with Impudence answer Exceptions with Questions tho' never so impertinent for Reasons give 'em Words for Law and Equity Tropes and Figures And so relax and enervate the sinews of their Argument with the oyl of my Eloquence But when my Lungs can reason no longer and not being able to say any thing more for our Cause say every thing of our Adversary whose Reputation though never so clear and evident in the eye of the World yet with sharp Invectives Wid. Alias Belin'sgate Quaint With poinant and sowre Invectives I say I will deface wipe out and obliterate his fair Reputation even as a Record with the juice of Lemons and tell such a Story for the truth on 't is all that we can do for our Client in Chancery is telling a Story a fine Story a long Story such a Story Wid. Go save thy breath for the Cause talk at the Bar Mr. Quaint You are so copiously fluent you can weary any ones ears sooner than your own tongue Go weary our Adversaries Counsel and the Court Go thou art a fine-spoken person Adad I shall make thy Wife jealous of me if you can but court the Court into a Decree for us Go get you gone and remember Whispers Exit Quaint Come Mr. Blunder pray baul foundly for me at the Kings-Bench bluster sputter question cavil but be sure your Argument be intricate enough to confound the Court And then you do my business Talk what you will but be sure your tongue never stand still for your own noise will secure your Sense from Censure 't is like coughing or heming when one has got the Belly-ake which stifles the unmannerly noise Go dear Rogue and succeed and I 'll invite thee ere it be long to more souz'd Venison Blund I 'll warrant you after your Verdict your Judgment shall not be Arrested upon if's and and 's Wid. Come Mr. Petulant let me give you some new instructions for our Cause in the Exchequer Are the Barons sate Pet. Yes no may be they are may be they are not what know I what care I Wid. Hey day I wish you wou'd but snap up the Counsel on t'other side anon at the Bar as much and have a little more patience with me that I might instruct you a little better Pet. You instruct me What is my Brief for Mistress Wid. Ay but you seldom read your Brief but at the Bar if you do it then Pet. Perhaps I do perhaps
for other people to use 'em And your Bookseller is properly your Upholster for he furnishes your Room rather than your Head Old Well well good Sea-Lieutenant study you your Compass that 's more than your head can deal with I will go find out the Widow to keep her out of his sight or he 'll board her whil'st I am treating a Peace Aside Ex. Oldfox Manent Freeman Jerry Ierr. Nay pr'ythee Friend now let me have but the Seven Champipions you shall trust me no longer than till my Mothers Mr. Splitcause comes for I hope he 'll lend me wherewithall to pay for 't Free Lend thee here I 'll pay him Do you want Money Squire I 'm sorry a Man of your Estate shou'd want Money Ierr. Nay my Mother will ne'r let me be at Age And till then she sayes Free At Age Why you are at Age already to have spent an Estate Man there are younger than you have kept their Women these three Years have had half a dozen Claps and lost as many thousand pounds at Play Ierr. Ay they are happy Sparks nay I know some of my School-Fellows who when we were at School were two Years younger than me but now I know not how are grown Men before me and go where they will and look to themselves but my Curmudgeonly Mother wo'nt allow me where withall to be a Man of my self with Free Why there 't is I knew your Mother was in the fault Ask but your School-Fellows what they did to be Men of themselves Ierr. Why I know they went to Law with their Mothers for they say there 's no good to be done upon a Widow Mother till one goes to Law with her but mine is as plaguy a Lawyer as any 's of our Inn. Then wou'd she marry too and cut down my Trees Now I shou'd hate Man to have my Father'sâ— Wife kiss'd and slap'd and t'other thing too you know what I mean by another Man and our Trees are the purest tall even shady twigs by my fa Free Come Squire let your Mother and your Trees fall as she pleases ' rather than wear this Gown and carry green Bags all thy life and be pointed at for a Tony But you shall be able to deal with her yet the common way thou shalt make false Love to some Lawyer 's daughter whose Father upon the hopes of thy marrying her shall lend thee Money and Law to preserve thy Estate and Trees and thy Mother is so ugly no Body will have her if she cannot cut down thy Trees Ierr. Nay if I had but any Body to stand by me I am as stomachful as another Free That will I I 'll not see any hopeful young Gentleman abus'd Boy By any but your self Aside Ierr. The truth on 't is mine 's as arrant a Widow-Mother to her poor Child as any 's in England She wo'nt so much as let one have six-pence in one's Pocket to see a Motion or the Dancing of the Ropes or Free Come you sha'nt want Money there 's Gold for you Ierr. O Lurd Sir two Guineys d' ye lend me this is there no trick inâ—t Well Sir I 'll give you my Bond for security Free No no thou hast given me thy face for security Any Body wou'd swear thou dost not look like a Cheat. You shall have what you will of me and if your Mother will not be kinder to you come to me who will Ierr. By my fa he 's a curious fine Gentleman Aside But will you stand by one Free If you can be resolute Ierr. Can be resolv'd Gad if she gives me but a cross word I 'll leave her to night and come to you But now I have got Money I 'll go to Iack of All Trades at t'other end of the Hall and buy the neatest purest things Free And I 'll follow the great Boy and my blow at his Mother steal way the Calf and the Cow will follow you Exit Jerry follow'd by Freeman Enter on the other side Manly Widow Blackacre and Oldfox Man Dam your Cause can't you lose it without me which you are like enough to do if it be as you say an honest one I will suffer no longer for 't Wid. Nay Captain I tell you you are my prime Witness and the Cause is just now coming on Mr. Splitcause tells me Lord methinks you shou'd take a pleasure in walking here as half you see now do for they have no business here I assure you Man Yes but I 'll assure you then their business is to persecute me but d' ye think I 'll stay any longer to have a Rogue because he knows my name pluck me aside and whisper a Newsbook-secret to me with a stinking breath A second come piping angry from the Court and sputter in my face his tedious complaints against it A third Law-Coxcomb because he saw me once at a Reader 's dinner come and put me a long Law-Case to make a discovery of his indefatigable dulness and my weari'd patience A fourth a most barbarous civil Rogue who will keep a Man half an hour in the croud with a bow'd body and a hat off acting the reform'd Sign of the Salutation Tavern to hear his bountiful professions of service and friendship whil'st he cares not if I were damn'd and I am wishing him hang'd out of my way I 'd as soon run the Gantlet as walk t'other turn Enter to them Jerry Blackacre without his Bags but laden with Trinkets which he endeavors to hide from his Mother and follow'd at a distance by Freeman Wid. O are you come Sir But where have you been you Ass And how come you thus laden Ierr. Look here forsooth Mother now here 's a Duck here 's a Boarcat and here 's an Owl Making a noise with Cat-calls and other such like Instruments Wid. Yes there is an Owl Sir Old He 's an ungracious Bird indeed Wid. But go thou Trangame and carry back those Trangames which thou hast stol'n or purloin'd for no Body wou'd trust a Minor in Westminster-hall sure Ierr. Hold your self contented forsooth I have these Commodities by a fair Bargain and Sale and there stands my Witness and Creditor Wid. How 's that What Sir d' ye think to get the Mother by giving the Child a Rattle But where are my Bags my Writings you Rascal Ierr. O Law Where are they indeed Aside Wid. How Sirrah speak come Man You can tell her Freeman I suppose Apart to him Free 'T is true I made one of your Salt-water Sharks steal 'em whil'st he was eagerly choosing his Commodities as he calls 'em in order to my design upon his Mother Apart to him Wid. Wo'nt you speak Where were you I say you Son of a an unfortunate Woman O Major I 'm undone they are all that concern my Estate my Jointure my Husband's Deed of Gift my Evidences for all my Suits now depending What will become of them Free I 'm glad to hear this Aside They 'll be safe I
a dozen Norfolk Attornies and as implacable an Adversary as a Wife suing for Alimony or a Parson for his Tithes and she loves an Easter Term or any Term not as other Countrey Ladies do to come up to be fine Cuckold their Husbands and take their pleasure for she has no pleasure but in vexing others and is usually cloath'd and dagled like a Baud in disguise pursu'd through Alleys by Serjeants When she is in Town she lodges in one of the Inns of Chancery where she breeds her Son and is her self his Tutoress in Law-French and for her Countrey abode tho' she has no Estate there she chooses Norfolk But bid her come in with a pox to her she is Olivia's Kinswoman and may make me amends for her visit by some discourse of that dear Woman Exit Sailor Enter Widow Blackacre with a Mantle and a green Bag and several Papers in the other hand Jerry Blackacre her Son in a Gown laden with green Bags following her Wid. I never had so much to do with a Judges Door keeper as with yours but Man But the incomparable Olivia how does she since I went Wid. Since you went my Suit Man Olivia I say is she well Wid. My Suit if you had not return'd Man Dam your Suit how does your Cousin Olivia Wid. My Suit I say had been quite lost but now Man But now where is Olivia in Town For Wid. For to morrow we are to have a Hearing Man Wou'd you 'd let me have a Hearing to day Wid. But why won't you hear me Man I am no Judge and you talk of nothing but Suits but pray tell me when did you see Olivia Wid. I am no Visiter but a Woman of Business or if I ever visit 't is only the Chancery-lane Ladies Ladies towards the Law and not any of your lazy good-for-nothing Flirts who cannot read Law-French tho' a Gallant writ it But as I was telling you my Suit Man Dam these impertinent vexatious people of Business of all Sexes they are still troubling the World with the tedious recitals of their Law-Suits and one can no more stop their mouths than a Wit 's when he talks of himself or an Intelligencer's when he talks of other people Wid. And a pox of all vexatious impertinent Lovers they are still perplexing the World with the tedious Narrations of their Love-Suits and Discourses of their Mistresses You are as troublesom to a poor Widow of Business as a young Coxcombly Rithming Lover Man And thou art as troublesom to me as a Rook to a losing Gamester or a young putter of Cases to his Mistress and Sempstress who has Love in her head for another Wid. Nay since you talk of putting of Cases and will not hear me speak hear our Ierry a little let him put our Case to you for the Tryal's to morrow and since you are my chief Witness I wou'd have your memory refresh'd and your judgment inform'd that you may not give your evidence improperly Speak out Child Ier. Yes forsooth Hemh Hemh Iohn-a-Stiles Man You may talk young Lawyer but I shall no more mind you than a hungry Judge does a Cause after the Clock has struck One. Free Nay you 'll find him as peevish too Wid. No matter Ierry go on Do you observe it then Sir for I think I have seen you in a Gown once Lord I cou'd hear our Ierry put Cases all day long Mark him Sir Ier. Iohn-a-Stiles no There are first Fitz Pere and Ayle No no Ayle Pere and Fitz Ayle is seized in Fee of Blackacre Iohn-a-Stiles disseises Ayle Ayle makes Claim and the Disseisor dyes then the Ayle no the Fitz. Wid. No the Pere Sirrah Ier. O the Pere ay the Pere Sir and the Fitz no the Ayle no the Pere and the Fitz Sir and Man Dam Pere Mere and Fitz Sir Wid. No you are out Child hear me Captain then there are Ayle Pere and Fitz Ayle is seised in Fee of Blackacre and being so seised Iohn-a-Stiles disseises the Ayle Ayle makes Claim and the Disseisor dyes and then the Pere re-enters the Pere Sirrah the Pere To Jerry And the Fitz enters upon the Pere and the Ayle brings his Writ of Disseizen in the Post and the Pere brings his Writ of Disseizen in the Pere and Man Canst thou hear this stuff Freeman I cou'd as soon suffer a whole noise of Flatterers at a great man's Levy in a morning but thou hast servile complacency enough to listen to a Quibling Statesman in disgrace nay and be before hand with him in laughing at his dull No-jest but I Offering to go out Wid. Nay Sir hold Where 's the Sub-poena Ierry I must serve you Sir You are requir'd by this to give your testimony Man I 'll be forsworn to be reveng'd on thee Ex. Manly throwing away the Subpoena Wid. Get you gone for a Lawless companion Come Ierry I had almost forgot we were to meet at the Masters at three let us mind our business still Child Ier. I forsooth e'en so let 's Free Nay Madam now I wou'd beg you to hear me a little a little of my business Wid. I have business of my own calls me away Sir Free My business wou'd prove yours too dear Madam Wid. Yours wou'd be some sweet business I warrant What 't is no Westminster-Hall business Wou'd you have my advice Free No faith 't is a little Westminster-Abby business I wou'd have your consent Wid. O fie fie Sir to me such discourse before my dear Minor there Ier. Ay ay Mother he wou'd be taking Livery and Seizen of your Jointure by digging the Turf but I 'll watch your waters Bully ifac Come away Mother Ex. Jerry haling away his Mother Manet Freeman Enter to him Fidelia Fid. Dear Sir you have pity beget but some in our Captain for me Free Where is he Fid. Within swearing as much as he did in the great storm and cursing you and sometimes sinks into calms and sighs and talks of his Olivia Free He wou'd never trust me to see her is she handsom Fid. No if you 'll take my word but I am not a proper Judge Free What is she Fid. A Gentlewoman I suppose but of as mean a Fortune as Beauty but her Relations wou'd not suffer her to go with him to the Indies and his aversion to this side of the World together with the late opportunity of commanding the Convoy wou'd not let him stay here longer tho' to enjoy her Free He loves her mightily then Fid. Yes so well that the remainder of his Fortune I hear about five or six thousand pounds he has left her in case he had dy'd by the way or before she cou'd prevail with her Friends to follow him which he expected she shou'd do and has left behind him his great bosom Friend to be her Convoy to him Free What Charms has she for him if she be not handsom Fid. He fancies her I suppose the onely Woman of Truth and Sincerity in
I don 't and perhaps 't is time enough pray hold your self contented Mistress Wid. Nay if you go there too I will not be contented Sir tho' you I see will lose my Cause for want of speaking I wo'not You shall hear me and shall be instructed Let 's see your Brief Pet. Send your Solicitor to me instructed by a Woman I 'd have you to know I do not wear a Bar-gown Wid. By a Woman And I 'd have you to know I am no common Woman but a Woman conversant in the Laws of the Land as well as your self tho' I have no Bar-gown Pet. Go to go to Mistress you are impertinent and there 's your Brief for you instruct me Flings her Breviate at her Wid. Impertinent to me you saucy Iack you You return my Breviate but where 's my Fee You 'll be sure to keep that and scan that so well that if there chance to be but a brass Half-crown in 't one 's sure to hear on 't again wou'd you wou'd but look on your Breviate half so narrowly But pray give me my Fee too as well as my Brief Pet. Mistress that 's without Precedent When did a Counsel ever return his Fee pray And you are impertinent and ignorant to demand it Wid. Impertinent again and ignorant to me Gadsbodikins you puny Upstart in the Law to use me so you Green Bag Carrier you Murderer of unfortunate Causes the Clerks Ink is scarce off of your fingers you that newly come from Lamblacking the Judges shooes and are not fit to wipe mine you call me impertinent and ignorant I wou'd give thee a Cuff on the ear sitting the Courts if I were ignorant Marry gep if it had not been for me thou hadst been yet but a hearing Counsel at the Bar. Ex. Petulant Enter Mr. Buttongown crossing the Stage in haste Mr. Buttongown Mr. Buttongown whither so fast what won't you stay till we are heard Butt I cannot Mrs. Blackacre I must be at the Council my Lord's Cause stays there for me Wid. And mine suffers here Butt I cannot help it Wid. I 'm undone Butt What 's that to me Wid. Consider the five pound Fee if not my Cause that was something to you Butt Away away pray be not so troublesom Mistress I must be gone Wid. Nay but consider a little I am your old Client my Lord but a new one or let him be what he will he will hardly be a better Client to you than my self I hope you believe I shall be in Law as long as I live therefore am no despicable Client Well but go to your Lord I know you expect he shou'd make you a Judge one day but I hope his promise to you will prove a true Lord's promise But that he might be sure to fail you I wish you had his Bond for 't Butt But what will you yet be thus impertinent Mistress Wid. Nay I beseech you Sir stay if it be but to tell me my Lord's Case come in short Butt Nay then Ex. Buttongown Wid. Well Ierry observe Child and lay it up for hereafter These are those Lawyers who by being in all Causes are in none therefore if you wou'd have 'em for you let your Adversary fee 'em for he may chance to depend upon 'em and so in being against thee they 'll be for thee Ierr. Ay Mother they put me in mind of the unconscionable Woers of Widows who undertake briskly their Matrimonial business for their money but when they have got it once let who 's will drudge for them therefore have a care of 'em forsooth there 's Advice for your Advice Wid. Well said Boy come Mr. Splitcause pray go see when my Cause in Chancery comes on and go speak with Mr. Quillet in the Kings-Bench and Mr. Quirk in the Common-Pleas and see how our matters go there Enter Major Oldfox Old Lady a good and propitious morning to you and may all your Causes go as well as if I my self were Judge of ' em Wid. Sir excuse me I am busie and cannot answer Complements in Westminster-hall Go Mr. Splitcause and come to me again to that Booksellers there I 'll stay for you that you may be sure to find me Old No Sir come to the other Booksellers I 'll attend your Ladiship thither Ex. Splitcause Wid. Why to the other Old Because he is my Bookseller Lady Wid. What to sell you Lozenges for your Catarrh or Medicines for your Corns what else can a Major deal with a Bookseller for Old Lady he Prints for me Wid. Why are you an Author Old Of some few Essayes deign you Lady to peruse ' em She is a Woman of parts and I must win her by shewing mine Aside The Bookseller's Boy Boy Will you see Culpepper Mistress Aristotle's Problems The Compleat Midwife Wid. No let 's see Dalton Hughs Shepherd Wingate Boy We have no Law-books Wid. No You are a pretty Bookseller then Old Come have you e're a one of my Essayes left Boy Yes Sir we have enough and shall alwayes have ' em Old How so Boy Why they are good steady lasting Ware Old Nay I hope they will live let 's see Be pleas'd Madam to peruse the poor endeavors of my Pen for I have a Pen tho' I say it that Gives her a Book Ierr. Pray let me see St. George for Christendom or The Seven Champions of England Wid. No no give him The Young Clerk's Guide What we shall have you read your self into a humor of Rambling and Fighting and studying Military Discipline and wearing red Breeches Old Nay if you talk of Military Discipline shew him my Treatise of The Art Military Wid. Hold I wou'd as willingly he shou'd read a Play Ierr. O pray forsooth Mother let me have a Play Wid. No Sirrah there are young Students of the Law enough spoil'd already by Playes they wou'd make you in love with your Landress or what 's worse some Queen of the Stage that was a Landress and so turn Keeper before you are of age Several crossing the Stage But stay Ierry is not that Mr. what-d ' y' call-him that goes there he that offer'd to sell me a Suit in Chancery for five hundred pound for a hundred down and only paying the Clerks Fees Ierr. Ay forsooth 't is he Wid. Then stay here and have a care of the Bags whil'st I follow him have a care of the Bags I say Ierr. And do you have a care forsooth of the Statute against Champerâ—ee I say Ex. Widow Enter Freeman to them Free So there 's a limb of my Widow which was wont to be inseparable from her she can't be far Aside How now my pretty Son-in-law that shall be where 's my Widow Ierr. My Mother but not your Widow will be forthcoming presently Free Your Servant Major what are you buying Furniture for a little sleeping Closet which you miscall a Study For you do only by your Books as by your Wenches bind 'em up neatly and make 'em fine