upon it with one leg on the one side and another on the other as little children use to do upon their wooden horses or as the great Bull of Berne which was killed at Marinian did ride for his Hackney the great murthering piece called the Canoneprrier a pretty blast of a faire and pleasant amble without all question In that posture he after God saved the said Ark from danger for with his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful and with his foot turned it whither he pleased as a ship answereth her rudder Those that were within sent him up victuals in abundance by a Chimney as people very thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them And sometimes they did talk together as Varomenippus did to Iupiter according to the report of Lucian Have you understood all this well drink then one good draught without water for if you beleeve it not no truly do I not quoth she CHAP. II. Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel GArgantua at the age of foure hundred fourescore fourty and foure yeares begat his sonne Pantagruel upon his wife named Badebec daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Utopia who died in childe-birth for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of the world without thus suffocating his mother But that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his Baptism was given him you are to remark that in that yeare there was so great drought over all the countrey of Affrick that there past thirty and six moneths three weeks foure dayes thirteen houres and a little more without raine but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched and withered by it neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in the dayes of Eliah then it was at that time for there was not a tree to be seen that had either leafe or bloom upon it the grasse was without verdure or greennesse the rivers were drained the fountaines dried up the poore fishes abandoned and forsaken by their proper element wandring and crying upon the ground most horribly the birds did fall down from the aire for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them the wolves foxes harts wild-boares fallow-deer hares coneys weesils brocks badgers and other such beasts were found dead in the fields with their mouthes open in respect of men there was the pity you should have seen them lay out their tongues like hares that have been run six houres many did throw themselves into the wells others entred within a Cowes belly to be in the shade those Homer calls Alibants all the Countrey was idle and could do no vertue it was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of mortals in defending themselves from the vehemencie of this horrifick drought for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the Churches from being wasted but there was such order taken by the counsel of my Lords the Cardinals and of our holy Father that none did dare to take above one lick yet when any one came into the Church you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the distributer of the water and that with a wide open throat gaping for some little drop like the rich glutton in Luke that might fall by lest any thing should be lost O how happy was he in that yeare who had a coole Cellar under ground well plenished with fresh wine The Philosopher reports in moving the question wherefore it is that the sea-water is salt that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his resplendent chariot to his sonne Phaeton the said Phaeton unskilful in the Art and not knowing how to keep the ecliptick line betwixt the two tropicks of the latitude of the Sunnes course strayed out of his way and came so near the earth that he dried up all the Countreys that were under it burning a great part of the Heavens which the Philosophers call via lactea and the Huffsnuffs St. Iames his way although the most coped lofty and high-crested Poets affirme that to be the place where Iuno's milk fell when she gave suck to Hercules The earth at that time was so excessively heated that it fell into an enormous sweat yea such a one as made it sweat out the sea which is therefore salt because all sweat iâ— salt and this you cannot but confesse to bâ— true if you will taste of your own or of those that have the pox when they are put into â— sweating it is all one to me Just such anâ— other case fell out this same yeare for one certain Friday when the whole people were bent upon their devotions and had made goodly Processions with store of Letanies and faire preachings and beseechings of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate condition there was even then visibly seen issue out of the ground great drops of water such as fall from a puff-bagg'd man in a top sweat and the poore Hoydons began to rejoyce as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them for some said that there was not one drop of moisture in the aire whence they might have any rain and that the earth did supply the default of that Other learned men said that it was a showre of the Antipodes as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium speaking of the source and spring of Nilus but they were deceived for the Procession being ended when every one went about to gather of this dew and to drink of it with full bowles they found that it was nothing but pickle and the very brine of salt more brackish in taste then the saltest water of the sea and because in that very day Pantagruel was borne his father gave him that name for panta in Greek is as much to say as all and Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signifie thirsty inferring hereby that at his birth the whole world was a dry and thirstie as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day Suprem Lord Sovereign of the thirstie Ethrappels which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident signe for when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth and that the Midwives did wait to receive him there came first out of her belly threescore and eight Tregeneers that is Salt-sellers every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaden with salt after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried neats tongues on their backs then followed seven Camels loaded with links and chitterlins Hogs puddings and salciges after them came out five great waines full of leeks garlick onions and chibols drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses which was six for every one besides the Thiller At the sight hereoi the said
into the land of the Fairies by Morgue as heretofore were Oger and Arthur together and that the report of his translation being spread abroad the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders with inrodes had wasted a great part of Utopia and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man farewel for the businesse required diligence he came to Rowen Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of other Countreys demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge who told him a story which Marotus set down of the lac Monachus in the acts of the Kings of Canarre saying that in old times Countreys were not distinguished into leagues miles furlongs nor parasanges until that King Pharamond divided them which was done in manner as followeth The said King chose at Paris a hundred faire gallant lustie briske young men all resolute and bold adventurers in Cupids duels together with a hundred comely pretty handsome lovely and well complexioned wenches of Picardie all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight dayes then having called for them he delivered to every one of the young men his wench with store of money to defray their charges and this injunction besides to go unto divers places here and there and wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches that thy setting a stone there it should be accounted for a league thus went away those brave fellows and sprightly blades most merrily and because they were fresh and had been at rest they very often jum'd and fanfreluched almost at every fields end and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short but when they had gone a great way and were now as weary as poor devils all the oile in their lamps being almost spent they did not chink and dufle so often but contented themselves I mean for the mens part with one scurvie paultry bout in a day and this is that which makes the leagues in Britany Delanes Germany and other more remote Countreys so long other men give other reasons for it but this seems to me of all other the best To which Pantagruel willingly adhered Parting from Rowen they arrived at Honfteur where they took shipping Pantagruel Panurge Epistemon Eusthenes and Carpalim In which place waiting for a favourable winde and caulking their ship he received from a Lady of Paris which I had formerly kept and entertained a good long time a letter directed on the out-side thus To the best beloved of the faire women and least loyal of the valiant men PNTGRL CHAP. XXIV A Letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris together with the exposition of a Posie written in a gold Ring WHen Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed and therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it then opened he the letter and found nothing written in it nor otherwayes inclosed but only a gold ring with a square table-diamond Wondering at this he called Panurge to him and shewed him the case whereupon Panurge told him thar the leafe of paper was written upon but with such cunning and artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight therefore to finde it out he set it by the fire to see if it was made with Sal Armoniack soaked in water then put he it into the water to see if the letter was written with the juice of Tithymalle after that he held it up against the candle to see if it was written with the juice of white onions Then he rubbed one part of it with oile of nuts to see if it were not written with the lee of a fig-tree and another part of it with the milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter to see if it was written with the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs Afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a Swallowes nest to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the herb Alcakengie called the winter-cherry He rubbed after that one end with eare-wax to see if it were not written with the gall of a Raven then did he dip it into vineger to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden Spurge After that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse to see if it was not written with the sperm of a whale which some call ambergris Then put it very fairly into a basin full of fresh water and forthwith took it out to see whether it were written with stone-allum But after all experiments when he perceived that he could finde out nothing he called the messenger and asked him Good fellow the Lady that sent thee hither did she not give thee a staffe to bring with thee thinking that it had been according to the conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention and the Messenger answered him No Sir Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald pate with the hard lie whereof sope is made that which she meant but perceiving that his hair was very long he forbore considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time Then he said to Pantagruel Master by the vertue of G I cannot tell what to do nor say in it for to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto the Tuscan sets down who hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear that which Zoroastes published peri grammaton acriton and Calphurnius Bassus de literis illegibilibus but I can see nothing nor do I beleeve that there is any thing else in it then the Ring let us therefore look upon it which when they had done they found this in Hebrew written within Lamach sabathani whereupon they called Epistemon and asked him what that meant to which he answered that they were Hebrew words signifying Wherefore hast thou forsaken me upon that Panurge suddenly replied I know the mystery do you see this diamond it is a false one this then is the exposition of that which the Lady meanes Diamant faux that is false lover why hast thou forsaken me which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood and withal remembering that at his departure he had not bid the Lady farewel he was very sorry and would faine have returned to Paris to make his peace with her but Epistemon put him in minde of Aeneas's departure from Dido and the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum That the ship being at anchor when need requireth we must cut the cable rather then lose time about untying of it and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to
of Lusinian called Iafrey with the great tooth Grandfather to the Cousin in law of the eldest Sister of the Aunt of the Son in law of the Uncle of the good daughter of his Stepmother was interred at Maillezais therefore one day he took campos which is a little vacation from study to play a while that he might give him a visit as unto an honest man and going from Poiâ—tiers with some of his companions they passed by the Guge visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon then by Lusinian by Sansay by Celles by Coalonges by Fontenay the Conte saluting the learned Tiraqueau and from thence arrived at Maillezais where he went to see the Sepulchre of the said Iafrey with the great tooth which made him somewhat afraid looking upon the picture whose lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an extreme fury drawing his great Malchus faulchion half way out of his scabbard when the reason hereof was demanded the Chanons of the said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus atque Poetis c. that is to say that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancie but he was not satisfied with their answer and said He is not thus painted without a cause and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him whereof he requireth his Kinred to take revenge I will enquire further into it and then do what shall be reasonable then he returned not to Poictiers but would take a view of the other Universities of France therefore going to Rochel he took shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux where he found no great exercise only now and then he would see some Marriners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the river-side From thence he came to Tholouse where he learned to dance very well and to play with the two-handed sword as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may have their hands full but he stayed not long there when he saw that they did cause bury their Regents alive like red herring saying Now God forbid that I should die this death for I am by nature sufficiently dry already without heating my self any further He went then to Monpellier where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux and good jovial company withal and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholick and that Physicians did smell of glisters like old devils Therefore he resolved he would studie the lawes but seeing that there were but three scauld and one bald-pated Legist in that place he departed from thence and in his way made the Bridge of Gard and the Amphitheater of Neems in lesse then three houres which neverthelesse seems to be a more divine then humane work After that he came to Avignon where he was not above three dayes before he fell in love for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game because it is Papal ground which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee where he saw no great matter of recreation only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars which so incensed him with anger that when upon a certain very faire Sunday the people being at their publick dancing in the streets and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport the foresaid lubbardly fellowes would not permit him the admittance into their society He taking the Scholars part so belaboured them with blowes and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him even to the brink of the river Rhosne and would have there drowned them but that they did squat to the ground and there lay close a full halfe league under the river The hole is to be seen there yet After that he departed from thence and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers where he found himself very well and would have continued there some space but that the plague drove them away So from thence he came to Bourges where he studied a good long time and profited very much in the faculty of the Lawes and would sometimes say that the books of the Civil Law were like unto a wonderfully precious royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen more ornate nor more eloquent then the texts of the Pandects but the bordering of them that is to say the glosse of Accursius is so scurvie vile base and unsavourie that it is nothing but filthinesse and villany Going from Bourges he came to Orleans where he found store of swaggering Scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a Master at that game for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it and sometimes they carried him unto Cupids houses of commerce in that City termed Islands because of their being most ordinarily environed with other houses and not contiguous to any there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in As for breaking his head with over-much study he had an especial care not to do it in any case for feare of spoiling his eyes which he the rather observed for that it was told him by one of his Teachers there called Regents that the paine of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate or Graduate in law one of the Scholras of his acquaintance who of learning had not much more then his burthen though in stead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis made the blason and device of the Licentiates in the said University saying So you have in your hand a racket A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket A Pandect law in your Caps tippet And that you have the skill to trip it In a low dance you will b'allow'd The grant of the Licentiates hood CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language VPon a certain day I know not when Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students without that gate of the City through which we enter on the rode to Paris encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way and after they had saluted one another asked him thus My friend from whence comest thou now the Scholar answered him From the alme inclyte and celebrate Academie which is vocitated Lutetia What is the meaning of this said Pantagruel to one of his men It is answered he from Paris Thou comest
had flayed the fox and ten or twelve of them died of the plague fourteen became lepers eighteen grew lousie and above seven and twenty had the pox but he did not care a button for it He commonly carried a whip under his gowne wherewith he whipt without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their Masters to make them mend their pace In his coat he had above six and twenty little fabs and pockets alwayes full one with some lead-water and a little knife as sharp as a glovers needle wherewith he used to cut purses Another with some kinde of bitter stuffe which he threw into the eyes of those he met another with clotburrs penned with little geese or capons feathers which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people and often made them faire hornes which they wore about all the City sometimes all their life Very often also upon the womens French hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the shape of a mans member In another he had a great many little hornes full of fleas and lice which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent and cast them with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that he could finde yea even in the Church for he never seated himself above in the quire but alwayes sate in the body of the Church amongst the women both at Masse at Vespres and at Sermon In another he used to have good store of hooks and buckles wherewlth he would couple men and women together that sate in company close to one another but especially those that wore gownes of crimson taffaties that when they were about to go away they might rent all their gownes In another he had a squib furnished with tinder matches stones to strike fire and all other tackling necessary for it in another two or three burning glasses wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad and in the Church put them quite out of countenance for he said that there was but an Antistrophe or little more difference then of a literal inversion between a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse that is foolish at the Masse and of a pliant buttock In another he had a good deal of needles and thread wherewith he did a thousand little devillish pranks One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall where a certain gray Friar or Cordelier was to say Masse to the Counsellors He did help to apparel him and put on his vestments but in the accoutring of him he sowed on his alb surplice or stole to his gowne and shirt and then withdrew himself when the said Lords of the Court or Counsellors came to heare the said Masse but when it came to the Ite missa est that the poor Frater would have laid by his stole or surplice as the fashion then was he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt which were well sowed together and therby stripping himself up to the very shoulders shewed his bel vedere to all the world together with his Don Cypriano which was no small one as you may imagine and the Friar still kept haling but so much the more did he discover himself and lay open his back-parts till one of the Lords of the Court said How now what 's the matter will this faire Father make us here an offering of his taile to kisse it nay St. Antonies fire kisse it for us From thenceforth it was ordained that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the world but in their vestry-room or sextry as they call it especially in the presence of women lest it should tempt them to the sin of longing and disordinate desire The people then asked why it was the Friars had so long and large genitories the said Panurge resolved the Probleme very neatly saying That which makes Asses to have such great eares is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads as Alliacâ— mentioneth in his suppositions by the like reason that which makes the genitories or generation-tooles of those faire Fraters so long is for that they ware no bottomed breeches and therefore their jolly member having no impediment hangeth dangling at liberty as farre as it can reach with a wigle-wagle down to their knees as women carry their patinotre beads and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said member for according to the Legists Agitation and continual motion is cause of attraction Item he had another pocket full of itching powder called stone-allum whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately which did so ticklishly gall them that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world and others dance like a cock upon hot embers or a drumstick on a taber others again ran about the streets and he would run after them to such as were in the stripping veine he would very civilly come to offer his attendance and cover them with his cloak like a courteous and very gracious man Item in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oile wherewith when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit he would grease smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them saying This is good cloth this is good sattin good taffaties Madam God give you all that your noble heart desireth you have a new suit pretty Sir and you a new gown sweet Mistris God give you joy of it and maintain you in all prosperity and with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder at which touch such a villainous spot was left behinde so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soule body and reputation that the devil himself could never have taken it away Then upon his departing he would say Madam take heed you do not fall for there is a filthy great hole before you whereinto if you put your foot you will quite spoile your self Another he had all full of Euphorbium very finely pulverised in that powder did he lay a faire handkerchief curiously wrought which he had stollen from a pretty Seamstresse of the Palace in taking away a lowse from off her bosome which he had put there himself and when he came into the company of some good Ladies he would trifle them into a discourse of some fine workmanship of bone-lace then immediately put his hand into their bosome asking them And this work is it of Flanders or of Hainault and then drew out his handkerchief and said Hold hold look what work here is it is of Foutiman or of Fout arabia and shaking it hard at their nose made them sneeze for foure houres without ceasing in the mean while he would fart like a horse and the women would
long marched that at last I came into his mouth but oh gods and goddesses what did I see there Iupiter confound me with his trisulk lightning if I lie I walked there as they do in Sophie and Constantinople and saw there great rocks like the mountains in Denmark I beleeve that those were his teeth I saw also faire meddows large forrests great and strong Cities not a jot lesse then Lyons or Poictiers the first man I met with there was a good honest fellow planting coleworts whereat being very much amazed I asked him My friend what dost thou make here I plant coleworts said he But how and wherewith said I Ha Sir said he every one cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar neither can we be all rich thus do I get my poor living and carry them to the market to sell in the City which is here behinde Jesus said I is there here a new world Sure said he it is never a jot new but it is commonly reported that without this there is an earth whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a Sunne and a Moone and that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities but yet this is more ancient then that Yea but said I my friend what is the name of that City whither thou carriest thy Coleworts to sell It is called Alpharage said he and all the indwellers are Christians very honest men and will make you good chear To be brief I resolved to go thither Now in my way I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons of whom I asked My friend from whence come these pigeons Sir said he they come from the other world then I thought that when Pantagruel yawned the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks thinking that it had been a pigeon-house Then I went into the City which I found faire very strong and seated in a good airâ— but at my entry the guard demanded of me my passe or ticket whereat I was much astonished and asked them My Masters is there any danger of the plague here O Lord said they they die hard by here so fast that the cart runs about the streets Good God! said I and where whereunto they answered that it was in Larinx and Phaerinx which are two great Cities such as Rowen and Nants rich and of great trading and the cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which lately vapoured out of the abismes whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this sevennight then I considered calculated and found that it was a rank and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruels stomack when he did eat so much garlick as we have aforesaid Parting from thence I past amongst the rocks which were his teeth and never left walking till I got up on one of them and there I found the pleasantest places in the world great large tennis-Courts faire galleries sweet meddows store of Vines and an infinite number of banqueting summer out-houses in the fields after the Italian fashion full of pleasure and delight where I stayed full foure moneths and never made better cheer in my life as then After that I went down by the hinder teeth to comt to the chaps but in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forrest that is in the territory towards the eares then after a little further travelling I fell upon a pretty petty village truly I have forgot the name of it where I was yet merrier then ever and got some certain money to live by can you tell how by sleeping for there they hire men by the day to sleep and they get by it six pence a day but they that can snort hard get at least nine pence How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the Senators who told me that in very truth the people of that side were bad livers and naturally theevish whereby I perceived well that as we have with us the Countreys cisalpin and transalpine that is behither and beyond the mountains so have they there the Countreys cidentine and tradentine that is behither and beyond the teeth but it is farre better living on this side and the aire is purer There I began to think that it is very true which is commonly said that the one half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth seeing none before my self had ever written of that Countrey wherein are above five and twenty Kingdomes inhabited besides deserts and a great arme of the sea concerning which purpose I have composed a great book intituled The History of the Throttias because they dwell in the throat of my Master Pantagruel At last I was willing to return and passing by his beard I cast my self upon his shoulders and from thence slid down to the ground and fell before him assoon as I was perceived by him he asked me Whence comest thou Alcâ—sribas I answered him Out of your mouth my Lord and how long hast thou been there said he Since the time said I that you went against the Almirods That is about six moneths ago said he and wherewith didst thou live what didst thou drink I answered My Lord of the same that you did and of the daintiest morsels that past through your throat I took toll Yea but said he where didst thou shite In your throat my Lord said I Ha ha thou art a merry fellow said he We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes I will give thee the Chastelleine or Lairdship of Salmigondin Grammercy my Lord said I you gratifie me beyond all that I have deserved of you CHAP. XXXIII How Pantagruel became sick and the manner how he was recovered A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick and had such an obstruction in his stomack that he could neither eate nor drink and because mischief seldome comes alone a hot pisse seised on him which tormented him more then you would beleeve His Physicians neverthelesse helped him very well and with store of lenitives and diuretick drugs made him pisse away his paine his urine was so hot that since that time it is not yet cold and you have of it in divers places of France according to the course that it took and they are called the hot Baths as At Coderets At Limous At Dast At Ballervie At Nerie At Bourbonansie and elsewhere in Italic At Mongros At Appone At Sancto Petro de Adua At St. Helen At Casa Nuova At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne At the Lorrette and a thousand other places And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians who spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh whether it be by reason of Borax or sulphur or allum or salt-peter that is within the mine for they do nothing but dote and better were it for them to rub their arse against