cannot tell whether his Master serves him or he his Master but I am sure they cannot wel live asunder Hee is now casting about for some Merchants Credite to set up for himselfe that his wife may keep the Barre to attract Custome and he leave his journey-worke and become as free to her as shee may bee to others 37. A good Husband IS a man who steeres all his course in a right line and weighes all his actions in an equall ballance a very good Mathematician for hee is alwayes within his Compasse but never runs circle so long as to make himselfe giddy Hee cuts out every into a Geometricall proportion to this Rule and estate nor doth his Sense too much over-rule his Reason Hee drinkes onely for thirst and eats only for hunger knowing superfluity to be the heyre of prodigality and liberality the daughter of good husbandry and Medium betwixt two extreames He is the sole happinesse of a good wife and the torment of a Waster His children never live to have cause to curse him nor his servants to accuse him for their want of wages He seriously viewes the folly of Profusenesse and is inwardly sorry to see the fall of any He is not so niggardly as to grudge himself or his friend a good meale but tasts freely though temperately of that God hath lent him and thinkes himselfe no loser by lending a little to the needy His moderate diet gives him longer dayes and his care in his calling frees him frō idlenesse the bait of his greatest enemy for in doing nothing men learne to do ill Hee loves not stolne waters though ne're so sweet but is satisfied with the brests of his owne bedfellow Hee educates his children in a Grace cannot want goods And thus hee passeth his pilgrimage with a peacefull Conscience and leaves the world with all goods mens applause so that his name dyes not with his nature His tything in his life time was so true and conscionable that the Parson preacheth his Funeral praise and perhaps gives him gratis his buriall in the Chancell 38. A Constant man IS one who hath limitted his Passions and set certaine bounds to his affections loving still in his course to hold the bridle firme in his hand lest carelesly letting the reines loose hee either stumbles dangerously or fals very foule His actions are solid not phantastike and he is very wary of promising any thing that he either thinks or knowes hee cannot performe for hee still casts beyond chance knowing a possibility and seeing a probability before he passeth his protestation Hee is one that keepes his mind within him the reason why he thinks and speakes both together without any jarre betweene his tongue and his heart His word is as good as his bond and his conscience the best debtor His love if possible is without lust or jealousie fixed on vertue where it stands firme as a rock Truth hath bound up his Temples and discretion hath so knit the knot that hee seldome makes his choyce so bad as to refuse it his word so large as to revoke it or his time so short as to piece it with delayes at its period Hee must needs bee very patient too else his constancy could not continue for impatiency breaks the fence of hope and stability and lets in despaire and levity a couple of wilde Cattel that may spoil a well growne field The wife that possesseth him is happy for there is sure hold of his word Shee findes him at his appointed houre which debarres her of many feats and she ne're eats her meat cold by staying for his comming Hee hath wealth enough if he hath but this one Vertue for all men believe him and dare trust him Time and experience have wrought him into every mans good opinion and he stands unmoved in all his dealings He hates a lyar as a thiefe and is the greatest friēd where he once professeth The world is now growne so wilde that few men are of his minde and fewer women the cause of so many cuckolds perjur'd persons and dying lovers 39. A jealous man IS one so strangely and strongly possest with the yellow Jaundis that he thinks all things of yellow colour which mistake proceeds from the defect of the eye not the object He is one whose mind is in a continuall labyrinth the further it goes the further perplexed the more it looks the more tormented and yet sees nothing but by imagination which foolish fancy lyes so heavy in his forehead that he takes it for a horne though it bee but a pimple i'th'flesh Hee consumes himself and his wives reputation both together by his too oftē causeles suspiciō and thinks a kisse tho before him a sufficient cause of divorce He is the scoffe of his neighbors and the bait that causeth many to nibble in jest that hee might vexe in good earnest He commonly dreames of his wife though never so broad awake and would keepe her in a Chest but for feare of picking the locke which sets the greater edge to her appetite and the greater madnesse to his misbeliefe His braines are in perpetuall agitation and in his fantafie being a kind of frenzy fees so many loose passages in her and lascivious embraces by his supposed Corrivals that hee 's starke mad at last with melancholy musing He lives in hell upon earth and is so besotted that hee cannot see when he is well Hee is so farre gone in his disease that all Physitians have given him over knowing there is but one medicine amongst all to cure him of this malady which is to see that really acted which he so stedfastly supposed which no doubt will shortly bee effected to the full recovery of the coxcombe and the manifestation of his error in s forehead an ornament fit for him 40. A desperate man IS one who hath forgot God the world the devils his Neighbor and himselfe and runs with precipitation into any danger All his actions are violent and therefore cannot bee permanent He is a man of no faith at all the reason he can apprehend no mercy from his Maker but all Justice He still goes with Cain's feare about him whilst hee himselfe makes a trade of murthering nor scarce toucht for 't till his fatall and then it fals so heavy that he cannot beare it He is a man of no staidnesse for he leaves a Rock to build upon the Sand. Some thinner sculs thinke him valiant because he dares stab or do any sudden mischiefe but the Schooles deny it approving valour to bee mixt with discretion which a desparate man altogether wants besides valour is vertue springing from fortitude but rashnesse a vice arising from passion He is one no way fit for any place either in Church or Common-weale for he that cānot guide himselfe is most unfit to governe others Hee is a man of small or no hope for hee is left to himselfe and then scarce a man Hee doth all things without premeditation the reason why so many disasters attend the end of his actions which he commonly feeles before he sees All that know him shun his society not so much for feare of him as the law knowing that his fury will force them to some further inconvenience Hee is setled and vested in this villany and takes a pride to be talked of for his treachery and is still glorifying in his owne shame New-gate or a worse place wil shortly take possession of him if he mend not his manners for a gracelesse man is good for nought but a Gallowes FINIS A true friend IS a Fountaine that cannot be drawne dry but alwayes affords some fresh and sweet waters to him whose necessities and extremities enforce him to fetch it He is a mans second selfe as deare as a good wife more deare than a brother else the wisest King had beene mistaken but our times justifie his Proverbe true which hee knew before He is Solamen in miserijs a Copartner in distresses with you and inwardly not fainedly beare halfe the burthen Love and you that 't is a question reciprocally answering each other in affection and are equally sensible of each others defects or disturbances Hee is no Meteor or Comet no nine dayes wonder or wandring Planet but a fixed starre by whose operative influence his needy is nourished For he is not compos'd of words but actions alwayes ready at a dead lift to draw Dun out of the myre Not onely a bare Counsellor to goodnesse and so leave you without meanes of prosecution the niggardly wisedome of these times but an assister in the way and goes on the first mile with you for company and lookes after you in the rest of your journey if he doth not travell throughout the same Hee never aymes at any of his owne ends in doing courtesies but doth them freely and quickly not drownding his good deeds in the dull performance for Qui citò dat bis dat He that gives timely gives twice He 's a certaine perpetuity that cannot bee lost by non-payment of Rent and ought to bee loved above fee-simple He is the pillar of constancy the very touchstone of Truth One that lookes upon men with the eye of Religion and is not rounded in the eare with worldly applause for it Hypocrisie and vain-glory are as farre from his hearths as the contrary Poles are from each other for his right hand shall not know what his left hand doth Hee is in these iron dayes Rara avis in terra a blacke Swan or a white Crow as rare as the Phoenix and such a precious Jewell as the Indies cannot afford his parallell He is most happy that hath him and I advise him to make much of him for he hath great fortune indeed if he findes a second FINIS
Client rejoyceth as much in the very tone of his tongue as the substance of his talke being both coequall to his capacity His Clients are his Soule and when they faile he expires onely here 's the difference hee provides not for his soule but his soul for him He 'll speake more in a moment than do in a month and warrant your Cause according to his reading till your hearings prove his holy-dayes and your Trials his experience His ambition is to climbe to the seat of Justice but is loth to be blinde in the place lest he should not see those pictures his soule takes pleasure in but in the meane time hee is striving to be put in Commission where perhaps you may see him the next Quarter Sessions 4. A Commissary IS a man much given to libels or rather libels to him and which is much is priviledg'd to receive them and proves a gainer by the hand Hee trades much in Will and Inventory the Relicks of the dead which he files with much felicity and however the Executour speeds hee is still of the taking hand He lookes not so much to the performance of the Will as the payment of his Fees and Visits the wife of the next Vicarage He hath many foule cases laid open before him and he as soundly canvasses them by the which he acquires a faire purse and a foule Conscience Barsterdy and Bawdery are his chiefe rents and incontinency and whoredome his Farmers and which is strange he lives by that for which all men die Sinne. Hee hath many Visitations which he beares very patiently in regard of the sweet Cordials accrewing therby He is your hasty youths and and yonger Scollers Oracle who daily worship him for his speedy licence that they may both presently enter into their Pulpets and he into their purses He is one that shall excommunicate you ipso facto for five shillings and absolve you immediately ex officio for three shillings foure pence In briefe He is the Bishops mouth the Bawds eare the Sinners absolution the Whores purgatory the Diocesâ—n Mouâ—tebanke the Church wardens terror the Parsonages friend and the Parsons superviâ—or with whose wife I now leave him till the next Visitation 5 A Parasite or Flatterer IS Solomons abject debar'd every wise mans Table not so much for his gluttony as his glozing He is ingendred by Pride hatcht up by arrogance and perpetually fostred by fools the Anvils on which hee still beates who by reason of their insensibility observes not his insinuation but are presently puft up with those Peacockestailes he stickes in their foreheads Greatnesse never goes without this applausive Puppet and goodnesse never can abide him there being a kinde of Antipathy between them His tongue is in the Eare of every affectator and then never further from his owne heart Folly and popularity are his prime objects and he is still present where they predominate He cannot be truely generous for he is a slave to other mens humours a thing contrary to a true birth or a true heart His greatest pride is that he onely thinkes other men beleeve him his greatest pleasure that he can laugh at them in 's sleeve and his greatest profit is picking of thankes hee hath more wit than wisedome and more garrulity than grace He is a great observer of mens fancy that he may fit his lyre to that tune All men in the end hate him and he goes out like a snuffe His Conscience accuses him that hee hath prais'd men more than God and consequenâ—ly got praise of neither which hath so dejected him that hee drops off like a greene apple in a great winde and by his bruse grows rotten at Core and so cozens the next Costardmonger 6. An unxorious man IS one who hath left all the world for a woman and all women for a thing called a wife with which idole he is so effeminately bewitcht that hee forgets his annuall worship at Jerusalem and is tied up with a golden Calfe at home This Dal lah is his Devotion this Ruler his religion this Eve the onely edge to his appetite and he will tast any fruit she tempts him to though sower graps This man is never his owne man but in thought for his actions intended are either diverted and writhed by her simple will or els wholly violated and broken by her supposed wisedome He can be no good common wealth man he is so confinde to her cannopy nor a good church man he is so tyde to her cannons nor a wise man to be vanquisht with her wilfullnes Hee thinks himselfe as safe in her favours as Adam in his first forme and hopes to merit Olympus by making a Goddesse of Diana the which hee is assured by his faith in her faire promises and his obedience to her sacred Oracles In fine hee is good for nothing but to multiply mankinde and consequently Sinne and which is fittest for him not when he purposeth but when shee pleaseth He cares for no body but her nor any body at all for him so that he may live quietly without company and dye in his owne folly without funerall 7. A countrey Widdow IS a broken ribbe of Adam turn'd loose into the world againe and is searching for a new Bone-setter and newly polishing her selfe for a second edition or more faire impression She hath laâ—ely beene somewhat mortified in memory of her deceased but hath suddenly gathered up her crummes and given her selfe out a brace of hundreds more than ere his estat was worth besides his debts and legacies wheras her validity proportionable can scarce absolve those She carrieth her selfe smooth demure and familiar yet at a certaine distance lest too much familiarity should breed contempt and then she may cough long enough for one to court her If she be young she is capable of copulation and the sooner caught in that conjunctâ—ve Ceremony if past the prime the more libidinous subtile and dangerous having a double wil the one from her deceased the other from her widdowhood by the last of which you may perhaps buy a pigge in a poke if shee be wealthy all your comfort is she is her owne woman and not subject to the avaricious counsell of peevish parents who care not though the girle cuckold him so the carle be scraping She is an object to many and it 's well if but one light on her She hath already tasted of Mandraks and likes the fruits so well that shee longs to graft more imps upon that stocke She is now trim'd up for the next faire where if you can bargaine for her you may ride her home with a twinde thred and then make the best of an ill bargaine 8. A Chamber-maid HAth her proper denomination from the Place where she is most conversant and couchant the Chamber and is the carefull polisher thereof the obsequious pinner of her Lady and the true lover of her Taylor ever since the curious cutting of her last Wastecoate who with his
offer should provoke him to indignation at least to oaths to which he is very apt He is never in love with mony but when he wants it and when he hath it he sleights it He is one of a very yeelding nature insomuch that if you praise ought of his that he affects he presently bestowes it on you scorning to be so base as to stand a begging Nothing troubles his soule so much as to be last in a new fashion or the least in company when hee is so accoutred His carriage is very courteous yet somewhat quilted with singularity the secret pride of Prodigals fooles are his admirers and knaves his foothers whilst hee forgets himselfe to remember them and never thinks of shutting the stable-doore till the steed be stolne His greatest bragge is hee hates covetousnesse not dreaming how in the meane time he imbraceth the contrary extreame vice Hee spends with such confusion that his supposed friends and associates doe willingly forget his Courtesies and is of such sublimity of spirit that he never lookes so low as hogs til he eats husks with them and then the Trough proves his Touchstone All men behold him with an alas t is pitty whilst few or none supply his poverty which pursues him like an armed man He is at last o'retane like a Butterfly in a storme and left by all those that seem'd to love and methinks in anguish of Spirit I heare him crosse the Proverb and say Better is a penny in one's purse than a Courtly friend 20. An Vsurer IS an old Fox clad in a lamb skinne who hath prey'd so long abroad the hee hath feather'd his nest for hiâ— time and now sits close in hiâ— Denne and feedes securely upon his former stealths And though the Proverbe saith Ill gotten goods never prosper yet it failes with him for hiâ— golden tree flourisheth and croppe increaseth what weathersoever comes And if olâ— Time lends him but yeereâ— and dayes still he cares not though hee give time to others as if he had it to spare Gold and silver are his Idols or Images which he hides as close as Rachel did her fathers he keeps them prisoners under locke and key till Bils and Bonds give security for their safe returne with another petty impersonall Idol cald Interest His greatest mistery is the particular knowledge of each petitioners estate who solicite him for money which by secret intelligence hee knew better sometimes than the borrowers themselves which if hee feares hee falls off till they finde security to fill up his mouth His perpetuall meditation is upon the futurâ— dayes of payment which hâ— punctually observes hoping the missing of a day may make a forfeiture and having law for t let consciencâ— go to the devil He is grown very subtill in his trade prying into the possessions oâ— young heires whose parentâ— by debts and legacies have impoverisht if he can buâ— catch them in a Calfe-skin he is cock-sure for by such mortgages his mony so eats that thereby hee soone atchieves Fee-simple for by many such Calfe-skins he iâ— able to cloathe himselfe in Sables He seldome furnisheth men at the first entreaty though the security be sufficient but will procrastinate you for a weeks intermission pretending in the meane time to borrow it for you which borrowing attracts Brokage the yonger brat of Usury In his trade above all others you must both pray and pay and yet nere have thankes for your custome commonly hee dares scarce eat of his abundance for diminishing the stocke and but for cold would goe naked to save cost his very habit wil discover him from top to toe and his leaner chaps his pinched carkasse He is still counting his chickins before they are hatcht whilst his owne day of account befals him unawares Hee never sang the fifteenth Psalme with a true heart which troubles his conscience on his death-bed and may justly make him feare he hath lost more Treasure then ere he traded for 21. A Broker IS a forlorne or bankrupt Tradesman who hath dived into divers sorts of mercatory deceits and findes none so sweet as this mischievous mystery of Brokery the blacke Art of dishonesty He is the receptacle for Theevery and a vent for much Villany There is a reciprocall kindnesse betwixt him and a Rogue and wer 't not for filshing his Trade would faile Rather than not be trading hee will descend to petty Larceny or any knavery to gain a penny Pawns are his perpetuall practice for which of what kind soever hee never lends above halfe the value setting a peremptory day for their redemption with six pence for the bill and interest treble the Statute in the hundred upon their redemption which he seldome feares for hee knowes the parties of be no such pay-masters He workes much upon Poverty and necessity and by his unlawfull interest oft-times eates out the price of that they were full sorry to part with He confidently walkes by his old remnants for all commers sitting at the receit of all ill custome Coozeners are a great part of his Customers and Cut-purses his Coadjutors His chiefest knavery is the alteration of the property that the discription of the deceived may not find out the deceit Hee is a backe friend to the City the scum of Tradesmen a fosterer of Theft and a palpable staine of the Suburbs Long-lane London-wall may yet embrace him to the great wrong of Newgate till some further Law reforme it for the Receiver is as bad as the Thiefe and the enticing cause of stealth of which many accuse him and if he be so impudent as to deny it Tiburne may shortly prove it which dispatcheth many more deserving 22. A Thraso or Braggadotia IS a boysterous fellow in a Buffe-Coat swelling like Eolus in windy words whose tongue is still applauding himselfe and detracting from others and by grim lookes and sterne language idolizeth his owne ignominious actions One that makes all his frayes with his unctious Tongue and then is forc'd sometimes unwillingly to maintaine and defend them by his timerous hands or to avoid them by her treacherous feet His valor is daring and affrighting words which hee foameth out with such a forced fury that you would thinke him â—n earnest and so hee would be save that his heart gives his tongue the lye which it â—s obediently puts up as hee will your blowes for hold â—ut his fained Choller up to â—s feeble height and begin but where hee ends and hee 'll quake like an Aspen leafe or grow so flegmaticke and coole that he will take your kickes for courtesies and your corrections for good mis-constructions yet by his rough-way hee often carries the conquest amongst Cowards whose smallest satisfaction upon any cause of duell he suddenly entertains with inward joy lest persisting in his peremptorinesse he should force them but to offer defence of which he is very fearefull And if contrary to his intent he chanceth by his austerity to incurre a quarrell of which
first cut verifying the old Proverbe That the eye sees not the heart grieves not He is very indulgent to his spouse giving her her own way in al things lest she should take it knowing that women are most apt to forbidden fruit There is a speciall Sympathy by instinct betwixt him and his Corrivall or Cuckolder for he alwaies loves him best his wife likes best a speciall token of a patient and true husband Hee never grieves at his keeping of other mens children for he is very charitable that way and being fill'd with blind zeale loves them aswell as if they were his owne Hee palpably possesseth his place in his Pew without the least conceit of pointing at him and welcomes him to dinner that is i'th'dish before him which his wife passeth by without blushing praying the Gentleman to be his owne Carver whilst the silly man nere dreames of her intent after his decease or his then departure He lives a very contented life and is not troubled with Jealousie the torment of the mind but takes all in good part so shee bee pleased He spends his time thus till hee becomes one of the head-broughs of his Parish and holds his Velvet hornes as high as the best of them he minds his owne affaires more than his wives actions and if he dyes not a Pricket hee may live to bee an old Stagge a very Lordly beast 33. An Informer IS a spye or Knave errant that peepes into the breaches of penall Statues not for love to the Common-wealth as his owne lucre amongst which Assisa panis cervitia th' assize of Bread and beer are his greatest Revenues for winking at small faults and coozening the King and Subjects both at once for though the pretence of his profession be for the fulfilling of the Statutes yet his Roguish mystery aymes at his ovvne ends He transformes himselfe into severall shapes to avoyd suspition of Inn-holders and invvardly joyes at the sight of a black Pot or Iugge knovving that their sale by sealed quarts spoiles his Market and abates his mercinary Coozenage As he is an Informer so he should be a Reformer but for his quarterly fees from Tap-houses for connivance vvhich fees are the cause of so much froth in the Tapster to recover that againe of vvhich he vvas cheated He sneakes like a Serjeant into every corner to take advantage and drinkes up mens drinke and makes them pay for it As hee loves no man so he is hated of all and is very neere hell when hee is drunke in the Celler Hee is the scum of Rascality and the abuser of the King and his Exchequer both together yet he seldome thrives in his impostures in regard of his greater sharers whose vassall and slave hee is All men behold him with indignation and point him out knave in every Parish which he willingly puts up in hope one day to avenge himselfe upon their purses His gaine is extortion which may in time pul both his eares from his head or dig him a grave under the Gallowes which he hath already deserved 34. A Batchelour IS one that carries a great burthen about him Concupisence to which he is either given over or in perpetuall combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit He is never quiet in his minde for he is continually chusing and commonly assoone dislikes his owne choyce a great point of folly in him to be provok't to any thing either by opinion or purblind Passion He is one whose honesty cannot shelter him from suspition and imputation of his next neighbour by reason of his supposed vigour Hee dreames away his best time and sowes his seed in other mens gardens which they reape and are no gainers by it whilest hee hath scarce any left to sow in his owne Hee thinks himselfe happie in that he hath none to care for but himself whilest he cares not at all for his Nobler selfe his Soule and dyes without Vine to his house side or an Olive plant to his Table so that posterity shal not behold any of his Progeny Hee courts each handsome object his veines being full of Venus and his heart of Cupids darts which in short time so sting him that happily ere long he salutes Hymen and proves an honest man for the obtaining whereof in his former estate he was far out of his way except made an Eunuch and consequently been hated by the softer Sex for ever after 35 An under-Sheriffe IS an active fellow begot by the Statute for a yeere and then his Name extinguisheth though he be sharer in anothers the next yeere after He is the feare and terror of all debtors as also the free entertainer of the Creditour who daily solicites him with coyne to be expeditious in his Catching which hee discreetly entertaines with protestation of performance whilst a fee on the contrary forceth him to neglect knowing that though delaies prove dangerous yet all makes for his advantage in the end He is the birth life and death of the Law The birth is the first processe the life the execution and the death the stopping the breath of the execution by giving notice to those that never requite him with nothing Hee is one subject to much danger and ought to have both wit and valour the one to defend his purse the other his carkasse lest the Exchequer cut the one and the Countrey Rebel the other He understands more than the high Sheriffe his Master and may vvell for he buyes his wit of him which is ever the best and sells it again at a treble value proving a great gainer if his Quietus est doth not too much gripe him He is outvvardly respected more for feare than love and as little esteemed vvhen he is out of his office vvhich vvill be next Michaelmas Terme and then you may trade vvith him for ten groats an Attourneys fee his Collaterall profession 36. A Drawer IS one deepely read in the mysteries of the Celler diving into the secrets of Hogsheads and is much conversant in the mingling of his ware Hee is of such celerity that hee ascends the Staires in a moment and descends them as suddenly especially when hee is throwne downe He is one that trusts all commers for he onely cryes score it but hee trusts them no further than he sees them and when their braines and bellies are full hee lookes they should empty their purses Hee is subject to many ill words which he as patiently bears as they are like to doe his blowes if they want the Reckoning Hee should be very wise by the continuall sight of so many severall humours and would be so but for the fumigation of the Celler which elevates his wits and makes them fly so high that they sometimes catch a fall He is alwayes a good fellow and loves a Gentleman for that hee is sometimes one himselfe He drinks the best drink which breeds the best blood the cause hee commonly loves a Wench for hee is a man of great trading I