into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth