have a care you put not all aside by your neglect my Father I 'm afraid will make all haste to expedite this Marriage In having you I venture all I have or hope for therefore have a little care extraordinary for her sake that loves you Love Let me not live under Heaven's light one minute after I forget the least of your Commands from whom I 've had such honours heap'd upon me Can you believe I can be such a Slave as to forget that thing is only able to compleat my happiness Let. I love to hear you say you love me and 't is because I do believe you do so Yet I am sad and shall be till I have escap'd the fears I live in of being forc'd by my too rigorous Father to be fetter'd to this fool of Men. Love Madam when they come back then we shall find how far they have proceeded by that we may know which way to order our affairs of which I shall not fail by Letters to acquaint you constantly Let. My Father will have such an eye over me that I 'm afraid I shall scarce er'e be out of 's sight He has been strangely Jealous and Inquisitive e're since he saw us in the Garden last though now I think he knows you not again therefore I doubt it will be very hard to have a Letter brought without his knowledge Love Betty and I have made a bargain will prevent all fear my Man is to pretend Marriage to her by which means he may still find admittance and make her sensible and she you of all my Actions and designs which will be weak indeed if not able to out-do all that your old Father and that Young Fool can e're contrive Let. I like that well Now Cousin Fickle how do you find the Gentleman Is he well fitted Have you look'd over his Linnen Fick How do you find your Friend Cousin Let Does he woe hard for Mr. Lovewell I doubt he has been about his own business I should like him the worse else and forget him I mean the Fool that threatned to beat me for advising him to wear lace about his sleeves Friend Shall I cut his tongue out for it Madam Fick For Heaven's sake do Mr. Friendly I 'le love you as long as I live if you will I believe Cousin my Uncle and he will make the match against to morrow Morning then thou art miserable faith rather then so let 's rise up before he comes Thou shalt Marry Mr. Lovewell and I 'le ee'ne take Mr. Friendly here Let. A match Cousin Mad-Cap but I doubt you can't keep your word nor live so long in one mind I protest if thou should'st I would sweare thou wert never true to any thing but Matrimony Friend Dear Madam let me kiss this hand for that kind contrivance Fick Nay one shan't mock t'other both or none Sir Friend Both a thousand times together but here they come Enter Pett and Leftwell Pett I am sorry we have made you stay thus long Gentlemen but Mr. Leftwell and I have done a good work since we went we have set an end to wooing Daughter you 're allow'd but two dayes to prepare for Marriage and making of Wedding Clothes I hope these Gentlemen will dance at the Wedding Left I faith Ned and Franck the Lady there must Marry me whether she will or no. Why you must Mistress for all you look so You two shall be my Bride-men shan't they Father Pett Pett What you please for that Son the Gentlemen look like civil men and will do very well Enter Servant Serv. Sir Dinner waits on your Worship Pett Come Gentlemen will you walk in Exeunt omnes Scena tertia Enter Faithful Clowt Goody Fells Faith Was ever Man made thus Drunk by a Cuckoldly Constable and an Old Apple-Woman Captain Clowt the Kings Constable lend me your Commanding Staff to lean upon Let me see you laid out all Clowt Not all Gammer Fells paid eleven pence towards the last Reckoning Faith Captain Clowt you 're a drunken Dog and I defie you and there 's an end o' th' Story therefore stand further off What place it this where are we Fells Why this is the Worshipful Justice Frump's House an Honourable Gentleman he is I hope he 'le hamper you i'faith If he don't set you in the Stocks for being drunk and put you into Prison for my Money he is not the Man I took him for Faith This Old Trot has not drunk her tongue out of rune yet You Hell-Cat with your Hoggs face I 'le so feague you with this faggot-stick Enter Stingey How now who 's this that looks as if he had been got between a starv'd Quaker and a Holy Sister behind the door of a Conventicle Come hither Sir let me see is your Nose made of Cheese Pulls him by the Nose Sting O O O. Faith O say you so Sir I see what e're your Nose is made of you have a tongue in your Head What white-liver'd logger-head are you Enter Frump Frump How now Cousin Clowt I see you are an honest man and careful in your Office Is this the Malefactor Clowt An 't like your Worship Sir this is the Man that made promise of Marriage to the Maid borrow'd her Money cheated the Mistress wore out her own Shift now does or lately did wear out her Husbands Shirt sinfully swore to pay her her Rent one night and shamefully run away without any regard to his Oath the next Morning There lyes the perjury an 't like your Worship Fells Good Mr. Clowt give me leave to speak in my own cause I think I understand the Law a little better than a Man that has not been above a Moneth in his Office Clowt Gammer Fells you 're a Fool in matters of Law you know little of that therefore I say that I ought being an Officer of State to have the priviledge of speaking before any Woman that wears a Head Frump Cousin Clowt go on let me have a full of the bus'ness that I may proceed to Sentence Faith Mr. Justice I shall wring you by the red Nose if you listen to that Logger-head any longer before you hear me speak Therefore let 's have a Bottle of Sack and so conclude the business Fells Bottles of Sack won't pay me my Rent nor repair my Linnen nor take up the Perjury and that 's the point I insist upon Faith Why you pernicious old Whore you wherein am I perjur'd Frump How de' e call Whore in the face of Justice Gammer Fells bring your Action I 'le bear you out on 't Sir I 'le tell you the Law as to matter o'th at But hold let us proceed to the first Indictment Stingey reade the Indictment Stingey Reades YOu stand here charg'd by the name of Thomas Faithfull at the Suit of Cicily Fells of the Parish of St. Giles's in the Fields in the County of Middlesex Widdow for Perjury and breach of promise to the Maid of the said Cicily
Did he ever learn to Dance Uncle Pett I 'le answer thee no longer thou begin'st to be very impettinent Coz. Fick Will you walk in the Gallery then Sir Pett Any where so thou wilt promise me not to weary me with thy eternal rattle Exeunt omnes Scena secunda Enter Lovewell Friendly Faithfull in their Gallantry Love Come Gallants move with Majesty And shew your selves to the most advantage that may be Faithfull you are always looking upon your shooe-strings like a Prentice upon an Easter Holy-day Hold up your Head and look handsomly take your Gloves out of your pockets and put them on your Hands I 'm afraid if I should take this Rogue into Company I should be troubled to teach him the way to take off his Hat Friend Then the Rascals Peruke never stands the right way and he makes leggs so like a Logger-head that it would be suppos'd we took him out of a Mill where he had learnt to dance of a Malt-horse for there 's not a step that he takes in his new shooes but up comes a stone in the pavement Love I 'le undertake should he go into a Noble-mans Hall he would stamp a row of black and white marble to pieces in less than half a minute never Horse had such hoofs Friend And then he 's so great a Sloven that by that time he has worn these Clothes but three dayes they 'le be lac'd with all manner of liquour and as greasie as his old ones are that the Rats have since he left them off run away with Faith Talk on Gentlemen talk on Cloath me thus but once a Moneth and I 'le for ever allow you the same priviledge you now take of prating Forgive me dear Patron for I cannot choose but laugh at you and that idle fellow as a couple of very impertinent fopps Enter Leftwell and Moses Left Ned Lovewell how dost do Boy now I like thee now thou look'st like thy self Faith I was resolv'd to find thee out and to new-furnish thee at my own charge thou wilt not believe how sad I have been e're since I saw thee last Let me look round about thee faith 't is mighty rich prethee what did it stand thee in If I can serve thee in any thing as far as my small Estate goes 't is all at thy Service sweet Rogue Love And I 'le try you Sir since you 're in so good a humour Aside Sir I assure you you 'd do me an exraordinary kindness if you could furnish me and my two Friends with a hundred pounds for two or three dayes no longer Left Pox on him I thought he would not have fasten'd would my words were in again Aside Faith Ned if it will do thee a kindness I cannot tell how to deny it Here 't is with all my heart Love Upon my Honour I 'le see it safe return'd and esteem it a very great favour Friend Faith Sir you have done us a very considerable kindness and in requital command me any thing Left Sir if you ' Slife I shall be undone I was going to offer him as much more who would certainly have accepted it as the first Aside Sir I rejoyce I had it to serve you Faith Sir I hope we shall live to be gratefull and find a way to make you satisfaction for this more than ordinary favour Left Sir there needs none of this But let me tell you one thing without offence Faith No exception I assure you Sir Left Then faith I think you become your fine Clothes the worst of any man that ever wore such Faith I must confess Sir I want the way of wearing Clothes well I can afford to let you prate now but I 'le make your purse pay for 't Aside Left Ned Lovewell will you assist me in a design Faith I am going about to commit Matrimony Will you help to make Love to my Mistress I 'le assure you she 's the handsomest Woman within a hundred Mile of her and a Man that has the way of giving good words may win her heart as I am inform'd for I never saw her Love How do you know she 's so handsom then Left Why her Father sayes so and sweats he 'le swinge her if she refuse to fall in Love with me or likes any body else Friend What need you have any help then Your business is done to your hand Left That 's true Mr. Friendly but I would fain have it done by fair means and there 's Ned Lovewell knows how to work upon a Woman at will I would fain have him and you go to make up the Match For his part he 'le be company for nothing but the Horses we won't have him with us Faith I am heartily glad the Cur dislikes my Company since the profit I intend from him binds me from beating him Love Pray Sir where lives the Lady and what 's her name If we can do you any service wee 're both ready to wait on you Left Dear Ned that 's kindly said and like thy self and you Franck Friendly Friend Most willingly Left It 's old Pett's Daughter the East India Merchant he lives at Hackney Love Say you so Sir I doubt I shall set you besides the Saddle This falls out as I could wish This Fool making choice of me to keep him Company brings me to kiss the Hand of my fair Mistress and by that means to manage my affairs as I could wish Aside Left Come will you go Gentlemen I and my Man will walk before you you may easily overtake us for Moses is as stiff as a Tree Both. We will not fail to follow you Exit Left Moses Friend Lovewell how lik'st thou this The Fool comes on finely Love I have a design Franck in hand will make us all men You know he has made choice of us to be the means to make his Mistress love him The same Lady that he speaks of I have lov'd long and she has long lov'd me Friend Dear Ned proceed Love My fortune being spent before I thought on 't my Clothes decay'd and having little left me to repair my ruines all my proceedings since have been by Proxy excepting now and then a stoln visit over the Garden Wall which lately in attempting I was taken by her Father and turn'd out by Grooms which was the real cause of my late melancholy Friend Td's death then wee 're undone he 'le know you again and so we shall be us'd worse than you were before Faith Thy foolish fears Friendly have made us fail in many a fair design Do you think the old fellow will know him again that he saw before but in half a Peruke and not Clothes enough to cover him Love God-a-mercy Blunderbuss he bolts out sometimes to the purpose I 'le undertake Franck he knows me no more than I should the Grand Seignior if I saw him Friend So the young Squire shall be at the charge of all Entertainments till you have found a way to cheat him
THE TOWN-SHIFTS OR THE Suburb-Justice A COMEDY As it is Acted at His Royal Highness the Duke of York's Theatre Licensed May 2. 1671. Roger L'Estrange LONDON Printed for Thomas Dring at the White Lyon next Chancery-Lane in Fleet-street And William Cademan at the Pope's Head in the Lower Walk of the New-Exchange 1671. TO His Worthy and Esteemed good Friend STEPHEN MOSEDELF Esquire SIR THe favours I have so frequently found from your continual kindness is the occasion I have taken the Confidence to kiss your hand with this homely Offer of my sincere Services I know your Ingenuity will easily discover those imperfections which your Generosity will as quickly pardon But lest they should come too fast and fall too heavy upon your patience be pleased to take this truth as an allay That it was thought on begun and finished in a fortnight therefore unlike to appear so Correct as in reasonable expectation a Play should be before it passes Stage-proof I must confess it a great defect of Judgment in me and expect to be accused of much irrational Confidence for committing this Minor to make its way through so large a Congregation of Criticks as appear in the persecution of all Plays But t is with me as with Animals that boldly attempt swimming wanting reason to apprehend the water fatal So I without fear of Censorious Lashes which a wiser Man might have expected to be the Conclusion of such an Adventure have plung'd my self unawares into a merciless Sea of Satyrists which I fear will prove Fatal if I find not protection under your Patronage Which is the humble request of Sir Your Obliged and Obedient Servant EDW. REVET PROLOGUE YOu are of late Gallants grown so severe Plays on the Post are damn'd before you hear Why should you be such strangers to remorse To Judge before you try The fairest Course Could we for once advise would be to stay And hear the Cause before you giv 't away But since 't is so we scorn to court a smile Be cruel as you can scoff and revile Till you have spent your Spleens that so you may Want them for to condemn a better Play This may deserve the worst that you can say Would the Judicious only Criticks be They 'd do 't where there 's just cause and moderately But there 's an up-start Crew a Generation Of little Fopps Criticks by imitation Young Men in Flaxen Wiggs just sent to Town For to be cheated and to wear a Gown These are the little things perch't in the Pitt Making of noises which some Fools think wit Cry down what is now or what e're was writ Be just for once and grant me this demand Let me be doom'd by those that understand Death Glorious looks brought by a Noble hand Dramatis Personae LOvewell Mr. Cademan Friendly Mr. Medbourn Faithfull Mr. Westwood Leftwell Mr. Angel Pett Mr. Norris Frump Mr. Sandford Stingey Mr. Sherwood Runwell Mr. Whaley Moses Mr. Williams Constable Watchmen and Servants Leticia Mrs. Lee. Fickle Mrs. Long. Betty Mrs. Dixon Goody Fells Mrs. Norris Playes Printed for and sold by Thomas Dring LOve and Honour Unfortunate Lovers Rase a Wife and have a Wife Thierry and Theodoret. The Woman-Hater The Changeling Albumazar School of Complements Hero and Leander Trag. Playes now in the Press The Amorous Prince Six day's Adventure or the New Utopia THE Town-Shifts Actus primus Scena prima Enter Lovewell solus THanks to ill Fortune I have liv'd long enough and spent money enough to make me poor in pocket and rich in Experience in which expence both of time and money I 've learn'd there 's nothing so great a fault or less a Mans Friend that desires to live in a full Fortune than Honesty My losses at Dice have sufficiently qualify'd me for an expert cheat in that confounded Calling My Conversation with those kind things call'd Women has very well enabled me to perform the gentile profession of pimping now of all Vices most in fashion and that blushing Fool Modesty's so much my Enemy that I want the confidence to wheadle a poor Taylor to take my raggs off and new rigg me Whilst I had money never came a Night but I was Usher'd home by half a dozen of the Sons of this sinful Town to lay me safe in my Lodging but those went with my Money Yet Sot that I am pester'd with an old fashion'd Principle of Honesty I must needs hate to do as I have been done by though the Devil offers me an excellent opportunity in Young Leftwell a Fellow newly come to a large Estate got by his damn'd Father by the fall of many a fair Family who has scarce wit enough to be made the sore-man of a Watch. Now whether it be not Religion to work upon this Animal faith I think Enter to him Friendly and Faithful Friend Why how now Ned pining in poverty Faith Or contriving a way to create new Clothes Friend Or art waiting here with a watry stomack in expectation of an Apparition of Pork and Turnips 'Sdeath Ned this is the worst way of dyet the Devil could direct thee Love You 're merry Gentlemen you 're merry Sure the Devil you spoke of Friendly has made you so has he not got up into your Garret at St. Giles's and bought your soul for a small morsel of Money Why the Spanish three-pence I left with you could never produce this spirit You 're grown witty and wanton what are you well lyned in the pocket Come let 's see pish never retreat what a Rascal are you to rally thus Faith If your design be to search his pockets prethee desist for to my knowledge they fell out of his Breeches a Moneth ago and he could have spar'd nothing better for he has had no employment for them this twelve moneth Friend Pox of your Trumpeters face must you undertake to talk with your plump countenance I am a Rogue if I have not seen a Butter-eating Dutchman that has been drown'd nine dayes appear like a trim Courtier in comparison of thee Thou art a Fellow that wouldst give thy Ears for Money thou hast none to kiss the hand of a Kitchin Wench in hopes to find fat enough upon her fingers to allay the fury of thy Stomack Love Leave labouring your little wits and draw near for I intend you two to be of my Councel Faith Ned Ned we have alwayes found your Counsel to be nothing but perswasions to poverty what a blessed thing it is to live Honest and be lowsie that it is better to be lazy and lack every thing than work in the wayes of wickedness for wealth Friend The Rogue by chance has clapt upon a truth 'T is e'en so Ned. We have fed so long upon your Divinity Lectures that we have almost forgot to eat in earnest and have hardly Linnen enough left to harbour a Lowse Therefore we 'le have no more on 't dear Monsieur Melancholy for my part I 'm resolv'd to turn Hector quarrel
of his Mistress Love Right now let 's follow him But what shall we do with this Fellow I 'm certain should he undertake to walk it he 'le flounder with his flat feet and we cannot conveniently call for clean Litter for him in a strange House Faith Pox on you for a couple of Puppys I know you dare not carry me with you for fear of disobliging your Bubble I 'le meet you at Night at the Devil Tavern for the Scene is alter'd since the Money came in as long as that lasts I 'le no more of the Can Office Both. A match so God b'uy blundering Tom. Faith Farewel Fopps Exeunt omnes Scena tertia Enter Justice Frump Stingey his Clerk and Goody Fells Frump Gammer Fells you are a very fidling Woman and are alwayes worrying me and my Man for Warrants what cause of Action have you against these men Fells Why an 't like your Worship I have 'em upon suspitions of perjury 'T is well known to your Worship that I understand the Law they both swore to me solemnly by the cross of a Book that they would pay me my Money on Monday Morning and run away on Saturday Night Frump That 's right the perjury lies good in that point But how do you know they are gone Fells Why I 'le tell your Worship without giving your Worship the trouble of many words for your Worship knows I am not a Woman of many words I wish I had more for the good of the poor Parish I live in if I had I could get Money enough by teaching of young Maids to talk at the Bake-house for indeed I help a great many Maids to Services an 't like your Worship that sometimes are able to give their Mistresses but sad accounts when they come home Frump Pray Gammer Fells fall to the business and let me know how you are sure your Lodgers have quite left you for if they come again the perjury is void in Law Fells Why then I 'le tell you Sir my Maid peep'd through the Key-hole and see 'em put up all their goods in their pockets and she 's without to justifie it Sting It 's a sign they had a strong Wardrobe Aside Frump Why truly Gammer Fells that 's a very good proof Stingey set that down in your Table-Book that we may make a President of it for we have many of these Mystical matters come before us have you any thing more against these men for I find the cause is foul o' their sides Fells Yes an 't like your Worship they owe me seven shillings for Rent besides seven and six pence for washing Linnen and I hope the Law will allow me somewhat for the use of my own shift I lent Mr. Faithful whilst his was washt for I can swear he wore it out extreamly Frump Goody Fells in that case the Law somewhat differs For Littleton says what 's lent is lent But then there is a Statute of fifty sixth of Queen Elizabeth that makes some provision in that case Stingey what is the Statute in that case Sting Why an 't like your Worship the Statute of Queen Elizabeth is a Statute in Statu quo and you know Sir that the English of Statu quo is what you lend you lose Therefore I 'm of Mr. Littleton's mind that what is lent is lent Frump Gammer Fells this is the very Letter of the Law you must lose the loan of your smock I but I 'le make 'em smoak for the rest Have you made the Warrant Stingey Sting Yes Sir here ' t is Frump You must give me a shilling Woman Fells With all my heart an 't like your Worship without offence to your Worship I think I know the price of a Warrant as well as your Worships self I think they are all good an 't like your Worship She sumbles in her purse and pays him in farthings Frump Stingey direct her how to serve it He pulls out his Spectacles and reades the farthings Sting Carry it Gammer Fells to Mr. Clowt the Constable he is a whole-sale Cobler and my Masters near Kinsman he will be careful for 't is of great concern Fells Bless your Worship good buy to your Worship Frump Goody Fells pray do so much as change this farthing I doubt it is not so right as it should be Fells Mr. Thomas if you be remember'd you left a penny Rowl unpaid of your last weeks breakfasts Sting Truly Gammer Fells I think I did I 'le pay it Then Sir I must have but five pence Exit Fells Frump This will prove a crabbed case Stingey let 's go in and consider on 't I protest it almost confounds me Exeunt Scena quarta Enter Pett Leticia Fickle and Betty Pett I wonder Mr. Leftwell comes not Enter Servant Serv. Sir here 's one Mr. Leftwell desires to see you Pett Desire him to walk in Daughter remember your Duty and receive him kindly Enter Leftwell Lovewell and Friendly Left Sir your Servant I come to kiss your Hand Wan't that a-la-mode Lovewell Love Very well proceed proceed Left Sir I 've made bold to bring my Friends Pett Mr. Leftwell they 're welcome for their own sakes and much more for yours Gentlemen you 're welcome pray be pleas'd to sit down Both. Your Servant Sir Left Pray Sir which of these three is my Mistress Pett This is my Daughter Sir Left Faith Sir I like this little Gentlewoman as well To Betty as her but your Daughter has most Money I believe and 't is that which makes the Mare to go as the saying is Love O this damn'd dogg the Devil 's in him Left Well then Lady since you are she let me look upon you Let. I pray good Sir look before you leap by all means Left Can you find in your Conscience to affect me If you can't let it alone I 'le look for some body else for I suppose there will be little love lost Let me see you look as if you were a little out of your wits I hear you have a great deal of wit I 'le try you look upon that Gentleman he 's able to say more in half an hour than you can answer in seven year as wise as you are Let. Why has he more wit than you have Sir Left I a hundred times and a hundred to that Let. Then I assure you he 's too hard for me for I don't know what to say to you Left I thought I should put you to 't But now I 'le desire Ned Lovewell to take you in hand you shall see how much he can say more than I I brought him to make love for me but i'faith I think I shall scarce find work for my self Ned prethee lend me your place a little and take you mine Love Your Servant Sir any thing to satisfie you Left Mr. Pett you must not be angry for I am resolv'd to have your Daughter whoever I speak to I 'le but make a few pretty pretences to the rest Pett