out from the matter I am merry Crisp. Be so San. You could eat like a Gentleman at leasure But swallow it like Hap-dragons as if you had liued With chewing the Cud after Crisp. No pleasure in the world was comparable too 't San. Possible Crisp. He shall neuer taste the like vnlesse he study law San. What not in wenching sir T is a Court game beleeue it As familiar as Gleeke or any other Crisp Wenching O fie the Disease followes it Beside can the fingring Taffaties or Lawnes Or a painted hand or a Brest be like the pleasure In taking Clyents fees and piling them In seuerall goodly rowes before my Deske And according to the bignesse of each heape Which I tooke by a leare for Lawyers do not tell them I vayl'd my cap and withall gaue great hope The Cause should goe on their sides San. What thinke you then Of a good crie of Hounds It has bene knowen Dogs haue hunted Lordships to a fault Crisp. Cry of Curres The noyse of Clyents at my Chamber doore Was sweeter Musicke farre in my conceit Then all the Hanting in Europe San. Pray stay sir Say he should spend it in good House-keeping Crisp. I marry sir to haue him keepe a good house And not sell 't away I de find no fault with that But his Kitchin I de haue no bigger then a Saw-pit For the smalnesse of a Kitchin without question Makes many Noblemen in France and Spaine Build the rest of the house the bigger San. Yes Mock-beggers Crisp. Some seuenscore Chimneyes But halfe of them haue no Tonnels San. A pox vpon them Cuckshawes that beget Such monsters without fundaments Crisp. Come come leaue citing other vanities For neither Wine nor Lust nor riotous feasts Rich cloathes nor all the pleasure that the Deuill Has euer practis'd with to raise a man To a Deuils likenesse ere brought man that pleasure I tooke in getting my wealth so I conclude If he can out-vie me let it flie to 'th Deuill Yon 's my sonne what company keepes he San. The Gentleman he talks with Enter Rom. Julio Ariosto Baptista Is Romelio the Merchant Crisp. I neuer saw him till now A has a braue sprightly looke I knew his father And soiourn'd in his house two yeares together Before this young mans birth I haue newes to tell him Of certaine losses happened him at Sea That will not please him San What that dapper fellow In the long stocking I doe thinke 't was he Came to your lodging this morning Crisp. T is the same There he stands but a little piece of flesh But he is the very myracle of a Lawyer One that perswades men to peace compounds quarrels Among his neighbours without going to law San. And is he a Lawyer Crisp. Yes and will giue counsell In honest causes gratis neuer in his life Tooke fee but he came and spake for 't is a man Of extreame practise and yet all his longing Is to become a Iudge San. Indeed that 's a rare longing with men of his profession I think hee l proue the miracle of a lawier indeed Rom. Heere 's the man brought word your father dyed i' th Indies Iul. He died in perfect memory I hope And made me his heyre Cri. Yes sir Iul. He 's gone the right way then without question Friend in time of mourning we must not vse any action That is but accessary to the making men merry I doe therefore giue you nothing for your good tidings Cris. Nor doe I looke for it sir Iul. Honest fellow giue me thy hand I doe not thinke but thou hast carried New yeares gifts to 'th Court in thy dayes and learndst there to be so free of thy paynes taking Rom. Here 's an old Gentleman sayes he was chamber-fellow to your father when they studied the Law together at Barcellona Iul Doe you know him Rom. Not I he 's newly come to Naples Iul. And what 's his businesse Rom. A sayes he 's come to read you good counsell Crisp. To him rate him soundly This is spoke aside Iul. And what 's your counsell Ari. Why I would haue you leaue your whoring Iul. He comes hotly vpon me at first whoring Ari. O yong quat incontinence is plagued In all the creatures of the world Iul. When did you euer heare that a Cockesparrow Had the French poxe Ari. When did you euer know any of them fat but in the nest aske all your Cantaride-mongers that question remember your selfe sir Iul. A very fine Naturallist a Phisician I raise you by your round slop for t is iust of the bignes and no more of the case for a Vrinall t is concluded you are a Phisician What doe you meane sir youl l take cold Ari. T is concluded you are a foole a precious one you are a meere sticke of Sugar Candy a man may looke quite thorow you Jul. You are a very bold gamester Ar. I can play at chesse know how to handle a rook Iul. Pray preserue your veluet from the dust Ari. Keepe your hat vpon the blocke sir 'T will continue fashion the longer Iul. I was neuer so abused with the hat in the hand In my life Ari. I will put on why looke you Those lands that were the Clyents are now become The Lawyers and those tenements that were The Countrey Gentlemans are now growen To be his Taylors Iul. Taylors Ario. Yes Taylors in France they grow to great Abominable purchase and become great officers How many Duckets thinke you he has spent Within a tweluemonth besides his fathers allowance Iul. Besides my fathers allowance Why Gentleman doe you thinke an Auditor begat me Would you haue me make euen at yeares end Rom. A hundred duckets a month in breaking Venice glasses Ario. He learnt that of an English drunkard And a Knight too as I take it This comes of your numerous Wardrobe Rom. I and wearing Cut-worke a pound a Purle Ario Your daintie embroydered stockings With ouerblowne Roses to hide your gowtie anckles Ro. And wearing more taffaty for a garter then would serue the Gally dung-boat for streamers strissimi Ari. Your switching vp at the horse-race with the Illu Rom. And studying a puffing Arithmatick at the cock-pit Ari. Shaking your elbow at the Taule-boord Rom. And resorting to your whore in hir'd veluet With a spangled copper fringe at her netherlands Ari. Whereas if you had staid at Padua and fed vpon Cow trotters and fresh beefe to Supper Iul. How I am bayted Ari. Nay be not you so forward with him neither for t is thought you le proue a maine part of his vndoing Iul. I thinke this fellow is a witch Rom. Who I sir Ari. You haue certaine rich citie Chuffes that when they haue no acres of their owne they will goe and plow vp fooles and turne them into excellent meadow besides some Inclosures for the first Cherries in the Spring And Apricocks to pleasure a friend at Court with You haue Potecaries deal in selling commodities
He was no Eunuch neither he was one Romelio loued very dearely as oft haps No man aliue more welcome to the husband Then he that makes him Cuckold This Gentleman I say Breaking all Lawes of Hospitalitie Got his friends wife with child a full two moneths Fore the husband returned San. Good sir forget not the Lambskin Contil. I warrant thee Sa. I wil pinch by the buttock to put you in mind of 't Contil. Prethee hold thy prating What 's to be practis'd now my Lord Marry this Romelio being a yong nouice not acquainted With this precedence very innocently Returning home from trauell finds his wife Growne an excellent good Huswife for she had set Her women to spin Flax and to that vse Had in a study which was built of stone Stor'd vp at least an hundreth waight of flaxe Marry such a threed as was to be spun from the flax I thinke the like was neuer heard of Crisp. What was that Contil. You may be certaine shee would lose no time In braging that her Husband had got vp Her belly to be short at seuen moneths end Which was the time of her deliuery And when shee felt her selfe to fall in trauell Shee makes her Wayting woman as by mischance Set fire to the flax the flight whereof As they pretend causes this Gentlewoman To fall in paine and be deliuered Eight weekes afore her reckoning San. Now sir remember the Lambeskin Con. The Midwife strait howles out there was no hope Of th' infants life swaddles it in a stead Lambeskin As a Bird hatcht too early makes it vp With three quarters of a face that made it looke Like a Changeling cries out to Romelio To haue it Christned least it should depart Without that it came for and thus are many seru'd That take care to get Gossips for those children To which they might be Godfathers themselues And yet be no arch-Puritans neither Crisp. No more Ar. Pray my Lord giue him way you spoile his oratory else thus would they iest were they feed to open their sisters cases Crisp. You haue vrged enough You first affirme her husband was away from her Eleuen moneths Contil. Yes my Lord Crisp. And at seuen moneths end After his returne shee was deliuered Of this Romelio and had gone her full time Contil. True my Lord Crisp. So by this account this Gentleman was begot In his supposed fathers absence Contil. You haue it fully Crisp. A most strange Suite this t is beyond example Either time past or present for a woman To publish her owne dishonour voluntarily Without being called in question some fortie yeares After the sinne committed and her Councell To inlarge the offence with as much Oratory As euer I did heare them in my life Defend a guiltie woman t is most strange Or why with such a poysoned violence Should shee labour her soones vndoing we obserue Obedience of creatures to the Law of Nature Is the stay of the whole world here that Law is broke For though our Ciuill Law makes difference Tween the base and the ligitimate compassionat Nature Makes them equall nay shee many times preferres them I pray resolue me sir haue not you and your mother Had some Suite in Law together lately Rom. None my Lord Cris. No no contention about parting your goods Rom. Not any Cris. No flaw no vnkindnesse Rom. None that euer arriued at my knowledge Cris. Bethink your selfe this cannot chuse but sauour Of a womans malice deeply and I feare Y' are practiz'd vpon most deuillishly How hapt Gentlewoman you reueal'd this no sooner Leo. While my husband liued my Lord I durst not Cris. I should rather aske you why you reueale it now Leo Because my Lord I loath'd that such a sinne Should lie smotherd with me in my graue my penitence Though to my shame preferres the reuealing of it Boue worldly reputation Cris. Your penitence Might not your penitence haue beene as hartie Though it had neuer summon'd to the Court Such a conflux of people Leon. Indeed I might haue confest it Priuately toth Church I grant but you know repentance Is nothing without satisfaction Crisp. Satisfaction why your Husband 's dead What satisfaction can you make him Leo The greatest satisfaction in the world my Lord To restore the land toth right heire that 's my daughter Crisp. Oh shee 's straight begot then Ario Very well may it please this honourable Court If he be a bastard and must forfeit his land for 't She has prooued her selfe a strumpet and must loose Her Dower let them goe a begging together San. Who shall pay vs our Fees then Cris. Most iust Ario You may see now what an old house You are like to pull ouer your head Dame Rom. Could I conceiue this Publication Grew from a heartie penitence I could beare My vndoing the more patiently but my Lord There is no reason as you sayd euen now To satisfie me but this suite of hers Springs from a deuillish malice and lier pretence Of a grieued Conscience and Religion Like to the horrid Powder-Treason in England Has a most bloody vnnaturall reuenge Hid vnder it Oh the violencies of women Why they are creatures made vp and compounded Of all monsters poysoned Myneralls And sorcerous Herbes that growes Ario. Are you angry yet Rom. Would men expresse a bad one Let him forsake all naturall example And compare one to another they haue no more mercy Then ruinous fires in great tempests Ario. Take heed you doe not cracke your voice sir Rom. Hard hearted creatures good for nothing else But to winde dead bodies Ari. Yes to weaue seaming lace with the bones of their Husbands that were long since buried and curse them when they tangle Rom. Yet why doe I Take Bastardy so distastfully when i' th world A many things that are essentiall parts Of greatnesse are but by-slips and are father'd On the wrong parties Preferment in the world a many times Basely begotten nay I haue obseru'd The immaculate Iustice of a poore mans cause In such a Court as this has not knowen whom To call Father which way to direct it selfe For Compassion but I forget my temper Onely that I may stop that Lawyers throat I doe beseech the Court and the whole world They will not thinke the baselyer of me For the vice of a mother for that womans sinne To which you all dare sweare when it was done I would not giue my consent Cris. Stay heere 's an Accusation But here 's no proofe what was the Spanyards name You accuse of adultery Con. Don Crispiano my Lord Crisp. What part of Spaine was he borne in Contil. In Castile Jul. This may proue my father San. And my Master my Clyent 's spoyl'd then Cris. I knew that Spanyard well if you be a Bastard Such a man being your father I dare vouch you A Gentleman and in that Signiour Contilupo Your Oratory went a little too farre When doe wee name Don Iohn of Austria The Emperours sonne but
for Erc. Oh I cannot forget it They fight Con. You are hurt Erc. Did you come hither only to tell me so Or to doe it I meane well but 't will not thriue Con. Your cause your cause sir Will you yet be a man of Conscience and make Restitution for your rage vpon your death-bed Er. Neuer till the graue gather one of vs Fight Con. That was faire and home I thinke Er. You prate as if you were in a Fence-schoole Con. Spare your youth haue compassion on your selfe Er. When I am all in pieces I am now vnfit For any Ladies bed take the rest with you Contarino wounded fals vpon Ercole Con. I am lost in too much daring yeeld your sword Er. To the pangs of death I shall but not to thee Con. You are now at my repayring or confusion Begge your life Erc Oh most foolishly demaunded To bid me beg that which thou canst not giue Enter Romelio Prosp. Bapt. Ario Iulio Pro. See both of them are lost we come too late Rom. Take vp the body and conuey it To Saint Sebastians Monastery Con. I will not part with his sword I haue won't Iul. You shall not Take him vp gently so and bow his body For feare of bleeding inward Well these are perfect louers Pros. Why I pray Iul. It has been euer my opinion That there are none loue perfectly indeed But those that hang or drowne themselues for loue Now these haue chose a death next to Beheading They haue cut one anothers throats Braue valiant Lads Pro. Come you doe ill to set the name of valour Vpon a violent and mad despaire Hence may all learne that count such actions well The roots of fury shoot themselues to hell Exeunt Enter Romelio Ariosto Ario. Your losses I confesse are infinite Yet sir you must haue patience Rom. Sir my losses I know but you I doe not Ari. T is most true I am but a stranger to you but am Wisht by some of your best friends to visit you And out of my experience in the world To instruct you patience Rom. Of what profession are you Ario. Sir I am a Lawyer Rom. Of all men liuing You Lawyers I account the onely men To confirme patience in vs your delayes Would make three parts of this little Christian world Run out of their wits else Now I remember you read Lectures to Iulio Are you such a Leech for patience Ari. Yes sir I haue had some crosses Rom. You are married then I am certaine Ari. That I am sir Rom. And haue you studied patience Ario. You shall find I haue Rom. Did you euer see your wife make you Cuckold Ario. Make me Cuckold Rom. I aske it seriously and you haue not seene that Your patience has not tane the right degree Of wearing Scarlet I should rather take you For a Batchelor in the Art then for a Doctor Ari. You are merry angry Rom. No sir with leaue of your patience I am horrible Ari. What should mooue you Put forth that harsh Interrogatory if these eyes Euer saw my wife doe the thing you wot of Rom. Why I le tell you Most radically to try your patience And the meere question shewes you but a Dunse in 't It has made you angry there 's another Lawyers beard In your forehead you doe brissle Ari. You are very conceited But come this is not the right way to cure you I must talke to you like a Diuine Rom I haue heard some talk of it very much and many times to their Auditors impatience but I pray What practise doe they make of 't in their liues They are too full of choller with liuing honest And some of them not onely impatient Of their owne sleightest iniuries but starke mad At one anothers preferment now to you sir I haue lost three goodly Carracks Ari. So I heare Rom. The very Spice in them Had they been shipwrackt heere vpon our coast Would haue made all our Sea a Drench Ario. All the sicke horses in Italy Would haue been glad of your losse them Rom. You are conceited too Ario. Come come come You gaue those ships most strange most dreadfull And vnfortunate names I neuer lookt they 'd prosper Rom. Is there any ill Omen in giuing names to ships Ario. Did you not call one The Stormes Defiance Another The Scourge of the Sea and the third The great Leuiathan Rom. Very right sir Ari. Very deuillish names All three of them and surely I thinke They were curst in their very cradles I doe meane When they were vpon their Stockes Rom. Come you are superstitious I le giue you my opinion and t is serious I am perswaded there came not Cuckolds enow To the first Launching of them And 't was that made them thriue the worse for 't Oh your Cuckolds hansell is praid for i' th Citie Ari. I will heare no more Giue me thy hand my intent of comming hither Was to perswade you to patience as I liue If euer I doe visit you agen It shall be to intreat you to be angry sure I will I le be as good as my word beleeue it Exit Rom. So sir how now Enter Leonora Are the Scritch-owles abroad already Leon. What a dismall noyse yon bell makes Sure some great person's dead Rom. No such matter It is the common Bell-man goes about To publish the sale of goods Leon. Why doe they ring before my gate thus Let them into 'th Court I cannot vnderstand What they say Enter two Belmen and a Capouchin Cap. For pities sake you that haue teares to shed Sigh a soft Requiem and let fall a Bead For two vnfortunate Nobles whose sad fate Leaues them both dead and excommunicate No Churchmans prayer to comfort their last groanes No sacred seed of earth to hide their bones But as their fury wrought them out of breath The Canon speakes them guiltie of their owne death Leon. What Noble men I pray sir Cap. The Lord Ercole and the noble Contarino Both of them slaine in single combat Leo. O I am lost for euer Rom. Denide Christian buriall I pray what does that Or the dead lazy march in the Funerall Or the flattery in the Epitaphs which shewes More sluttish farre then all the Spiders webs Shall euer grow vpon it what doe these Adde to our well being after death Capu. Not a scruple Rom. Very well then I haue a certaine Meditation If I can thinke of somewhat to this purpose I le say it to you while my mother there Numbers her Beades You that dwell neere these graues and vaults Which oft doe hide Physicions faults Note what a small Roome does suffice To expresse mens good their vanities Would fill more volume in small hand Then all the Euidence of Church-land Funerals hide men in ciuill wearing And are to the Drapers a good hearing Make the Heraulds laugh in their blacke Payment And all die Worthies die worth payment To the Altar Offerings tho their fame And all the charitie of their
name 'Tweene heauen and this yeeld no more light Then rotten trees which shine i' th night Oh looke the last Act be the best i' th Play And then rest gentle bones yet pray That when by the precise you are vewed A Supersede as be not sued To remooue you to a place more ayrie That in your stead they may keepe chary Stockfish or Seacole for the abuses Of sacriledge haue turn'd graues to vilder vses How then can any Monument say Here rest these bones till the last day When time swift both of foot and feather May beare them the Sexton kens not whither What care I then tho my last sleepe Be in the Desart or in the deepe No Lampe nor Taper day and night To giue my Charnell chargeable light I haue there like quantitie of ground And at the last day I shall be found Now I pray leaue me Capu. I am sorry for your losses Rom. Vm sir the more spatious that the Tennis court is The more large is the Hazard I dare the spitefull Fortune doe her worst I can now feare nothing Capu. Oh sir yet consider He that is without feare is without hope And sins from presumption better thoughts attend you Ro. Poore Iolenta should she heare of this Exit Ca. Shee would not after the report keepe fresh So long as flowers in graues Enter Prospero How now Prospero Pro. Contarino has sent you here his Will Wherein a has made your sister his sole heire Rom Is he not dead Pro. Hee 's yet liuing Rom. Liuing the worse lucke Leo. The worse I doe protest it is the best That euer came to disturbe my prayers Rom. How Leon. Yet I would haue him liue To satisfie publique Iustice for the death Of Ercole oh goe visit him for heauens sake I haue within my Closet a choyce Relicke Preseruatiue 'gainst swounding and some earth Brought from the Holy Land right soueraigne To staunch bloud has he skilfull Surgeons thinke you Pro. The best in Naples Rom. How oft has he been drest Pro. But once Leo. I haue some skill this way The second or third dressing will shew clearely Whether there be hope of life I pray be neere him If there be any soule can bring me word That there is hope of life Rom. Doe you prise his life so Leo. That he may liue I meane to come to his tryall to satisfie the Law Rom. Oh i st nothing else Leo I shall be the happiest woman Exeunt Le. Pro. Rom. Here is cruelty appareled in kindnesse I am ful of thoughts strāge ones but they 'r no good ones I must visit Contarino vpon that Depends an Engine shall weigh vp my losses Were they sunke as low as hell yet let me thinke How I am impayred in a houre and the cause of 't Lost in securitie oh how this wicked world bewitches Especially made insolent with riches So Sayles with fore-winds stretcht doe soonest breake And Piramides at h top are still most weake Exit Enter Capuchin Ercole led betweene two Cap. Looke vp sir you are preserued beyond naturall reason you were brought dead out a' th field the Surgeons ready to haue embalmed you Erc. I do looke on my action with a thought of terror To doe ill and dwell in 't is vnmanly Cap. You are diuinely informed sir Erc. I fought for one in whom I haue no more right Then false executors haue in Orphans goods They cozen them of yet tho my cause were naught I rather chose the hazard of my soule Then foregoe the complement of a chollerick man I pray continue the report of my death and giue out Cause the Church denyed me Christian buriall The Vice admirall of my Gallies tooke my body With purpose to commit it to the earth Either in Cicil or Malta Cap. What ayme you at by this rumour of your death Erc. There is hope of life In Contarino and he has my prayers That he may liue to enioy what is his owne The faire Iolenta where should it be thought That I were breathing happily her friends Would oppose it still Capu. But if you be supposed dead The Law will strictly prosecute his life For your murder Erc. That 's preuented thus There does belong a noble Priuiledge To all his Family euer since his father Bore from the worthy Emperour Charles the fift An answere to the French Kings challenge at such time The two noble Princes were ingag'd to fight Vpon a frontier arme o' th sea in a flat-bottom'd Boat That if any of his Family should chance To kill a man i' th Field in a noble cause He should haue his Pardon now sir for his cause The world may iudge if it were not honest Pray helpe me in speech t is very painfull to me Capu Sir I shall Erc. The guilt of this lyes in Romelio And as I heare to second this good Contract He has got a Nun with child Cap. These are crimes that either must make worke For speedy repentance or for the Deuill Erc. I haue much compassion on him For sinne and shame are euer tyde together With Gordion knots of such a strong threed spun They cannot without violence be vndone Exeunt Explicit Actus secundi ACTVS TERTIVS SCENA PRIMA Enter Ariosto Crispiano Ariost. Well sir now I must claime your promise To reueale to me the cause why you liue thus clouded Crisp. Sir the King of Spaine Suspects that your Romelio here the Merchant Has discouer'd some Gold-myne to his owne vse In the West Indies and for that employes me To discouer in what part of Christendome He vents this I reasure Besides he is informed What mad tricks has bin plaid of late by Ladies Ari Most true and I am glad the King has heard on 't Why they vse their Lords as if they were their Wards And as your Dutchwomen in the Low-Countries Take all and pay all and doe keepe their Husbands So silly all their liues of their owne estates That when they are sicke and come to make their Will They know not precisely what to giue away From their wiues because they know not what they are So heare should I repeat what factions worth What Bat-fowling for Offices As you must conceiue their Game is all i' th' night What calling in question one anothers honesties Withall what sway they beare i' th Viceroyes Court You 'd wonder at it T will doe well shortly can we keepe them off From being of our Councell of Warre Crisp. Well I haue vowed That I will neuer sit vpon the Bench more Vnlesse it be to curbe the insolencies Of these women Ario. Well take it on my word then Your place will not long be emptie Exeunt Enter Romelio in the habit of a Iew Rom. Excellently well habited why me thinks That I could play with mine owne shaddow now And be a rare Italienated Iew To haue as many seuerall change of faces As I haue seene caru'd vpon on Cherrystone To winde about a man like rotten Iuie Eate into him