but I 'le tell thee news I have a husband in the pickle too For thy old Mistris one of her own trade For both of them do live by coupling sexes He in olde Saxon's call'd a march-maker Hog Good sir for once do you usurp his office To make this decent match and I 'le assist you Shift I do arrest thy promise yesterday I hear his worship sought me at my lodging But first I 'le give him a preparative Hog I 'le give him that shall work I warrant you First I 'le advance my Mrs. wealth and vertues Then sweat the greatness of my own revenew's Which I gain only by the Fees of suiters Shift I do not doubt thy art go and prepare Thy Mrs too within this hour or two I 'le send him untill then adieu Hog Farewell Exeunt Enter Falconer and Grace Falc And why wilt thou needs have me marry thee Grace ' Cause I would have you make me an honest woman Falc Why dost thou think all married women honest Grace I cannot tell but surely I am one If I am brought a-bed in matrimony Falc Is that the point but tell me when y' are married How think you to maintain your honesty Gra. You know the Iustice promis'd us last night His worships licence to sell ale i' th city Falc Now you have hit it was 't ere heard that women Maintain'd her honesty by selling ale Gra. Surely I hear it is a thriving trade Falc Surely but not to thrive in honesty For if she be not open as her tub My Hostess takings will be very small Although her lanted ale be nere so strong Gra. I will do any thing which you will have me Falc Then first I 'le have you to release our contract Then I will have thee travel into Ireland There thou mai'st make a nurse 't is better far Then live by 'th muddy trade of selling ale And thank my bounty which hath qualified Thy Inabilities for this Imployment Gra. Did not you swear that you would marry me Falc I have done better chick far better for I 've layn with thee which I had rather do Twice twenty times then marry the but once Gra Ay me shall my love be thus requited Yet know it is not in your power to leave me The Iustice now is witness of the contract Who I am sure will see it executed Falc Now thou hast truly said what marriage is That is an execution well then since It will no better be le ts quickly set All things in order and be executed Gra. As nimbly as you can good Richard for My time draws near and I desire to be An honest woman e're I am deliver'd Falc Le ts find my Mr. first I do not mean To leave him and his service to sell ale Where I last left him thence they say the devil Fetcht him away and sure he hath been there For they look all as if they had been frighted And still he may be there for they do talk As if they were possest come let us go And when my Master 's found appoint the day When thou l't be married and I will obey Gra. Then this shall be the day I 'le be thy guide To find thy Mr. and more guesse beside Exeunt Enter Shift and Derrick Shift The hast of your return I fear hath made You leave more weighty business unperformed Der. Care of your good makes me forget my own Yet in one day for know my clients do Observe my day I have directed ten To their preferment two to reputed maids Which I do rank alone in my black book Three unto widows of the second head And five to maids of just maturity Shift Pray Mr. Detrick are not you allied unto the famous headsman of your name Der. Somewhat I am but what 's the cause you ask Shift Because by you there is contriv'd the loss Of many maiden heads Der. You 'r merry sir For know our trades do differ much as much As the extreams of torment and delight My office is not staind with bloud and those Who suffer by my means do live to thank me I beg no pardon for my fault before The maid 's depriv'd of her virginity Shift Yet you may ask forgiveness afterwards Of those who curse your pains and find the hell Of marriage worse then a decollation Der. You shall want cause I hope for to comeplain When you shall see your flying love return To meet you that you freely may enjoy her Shift Thanks unto both our pains that I have done Already our close kisses have been warm'd With the soft flame of love and I have seal'd The match so sure that it doth need no witness Der. Forget not him then that procured your blisse Shift I am so full of joy that you shall make Your own conditions and besides I will Be you not wanting to your self in your Own way require you with a wealthy widow Der. I am not yet so frozen but my blood Will heat without a fever be then pleas'd To give me a full knowledge of my hopes Shift She hath a servant who was sometimes mine And still desires to be so for the love I paid to his deserts which he requires In promising his aid to win his Mistris But you have happily prevented him And therefore no man fitter then your self T' enjoy the benefit was meant to me Der. I cannot but confess my self most fit And therefore I 'le assent unto your offer Shi You shall take letters of my commendation To my old servitour his name is Hog One whom his Mistris justly doth regard Der. Let me alone for to commend my self I 'le onely take your letters for to purchase My free admittance then condemn my cunning If my own courtship do not win the widow Shift Well may you speed I 'le presently go write Der. Though 't is no need I 'le help you to indite Enter Goodwit Exeunt Good How strangely fortune guides my destinies It is not yet five moons since I liv'd fice Yet in a forrain haven now I breath My native aire but want my liberty Which method of my fate yet lets me see Some likenesse in this contrariety For Spain to me was but a wider prison From whence there was no way unto my freedome But in a hazardous capativity Glad in a floting prison to be in immur'd Since 't was my safety to be so confin'd Where I did fear more dangers then I now Do suffer and so the bounteous heavens became My School-Masters while they my mind prepar'd For future sorrow by foregoing its And taught me that my later sufferings Are little blessings by comparison But that which lessens not my misery In this constraint is the society Of a good old man my fellow prisoner The Rheâ—orick of whose love would needs perswade I have no cause of sadness and I think I have the lesse because I think he loves me And why I know not but lo here he comes Enter Freeman Free
fear because the scorn of men Shift And which in all your List wish you me to Der. Faith here is one if you could like her nose She 's rich enough Shift What ailes her nose Der. There growes A mole upon 't so like a bunch of grapes That if you love um you can scarce forbear The tasting when her mother was with child With her long'd for grapes at the first minute Some smell disliking her she stopt her nose And this they say's the cause but 't is time I Put up my pipesâ— This Gentleman is needy Shift Good Sir before you ease let 's see the place Of her you said was coming to the City Der. She with her uncle as I hear's arriv'd She 's my Inprimiâ— nineteen years her age Her Dowrie full 500. pounds a year Besides her plate and jewels Shift Good Sir inform me Where 's her lodging Der. In my pocket now Make me beholding to you for your name Before we part Shift My name doth call me Shift Der. It truly calls you then a cleanly Gentleman I shall report you so Farewell Shift Nay Sir We 'le greet in Sack before we part I â—we A greater debt to your discourseâ— that wine Vnlocks his breast but shall my wits refine Ex. Act. II. Scaen. 2. Enter Goodwit Hog Crab Falconer Goodw. Captain how fare the Ladies of the Lake Your Mistresses by the Thames side those Syrens Whose beautie and enchanting voice invite The heedlesse passenger do they reside At their old shade or have they chang'd their shore Hog To shame the devil their dilapidation Hath made them stand in need of reparation They are now in reedifying Sir Goodw. What new ware have you then come in you dare Command to an old friend or a new will give The highest price Hog Sir I have fresh and new Was never yet broke up to see the Sun My good old Mistress Neece one newly wean'd From milking and who hath not yet forgot To rise betimes i' th' morning she is now Learning to swear and talk bawdy poor fool I never saw a worse proficient But she is dear she must not yet fall down Vnto the hackney price Goodw. Let thy old Mistress Know I have seen the Indies since I saw her And brought home gold untry'd survey that Gallant He is a man of gold Hog Of gold untry'd You mean Falcon. The Captain doth abuse you Sir You hear him say your mettal is untry'd Let his eares feel the valour he suspects Crab. His looks are too Captainical for me They kill at least a mile before he 's seen Thou know'st that I am mercifull for once I 'le pardon him tell him my clemencie Fale Yes with a witness Captain or Captain not Know that my Master 's of approved might He slâ—w the Sussex dragon in the field Good Put in without an Allegorie too Fale I know not what your Allegories mean But I am sure he slew him yet I see Him couch his conquering lance against the beast Which now with many doublings doth advance His speckled belly ' gainst the hardy Knight I 'le leave the rest unto a Poet's quill Hog A Poet's fiction merits no belief Fal. This is a storie and you must believ 't The skin of the foul fiend is to be seen In his great hall would make the bloud recoil Out of your meazeled face think you I lye Crab. O do not anger him indeed 't is true I dare not in the dark pass through my hall For fear of seeing it Good The Captain shall Believe the wonder and report it too Fale 'T is his best way this is his eleventh labour And this wild boar shall be the twelfth if he Injure his valour with the least suspition Hog I l'e not believe upon compulsion neither But for the Senior Don Francisco's sake I will embrace his worth Crab. O by no means My worth loves no embracing I shall ne're Abide that look Dick. Fale Then't shall not offend you Hogs face about Hog Dog's face come out I will Not turn my back for thee not Heâ—cules Good Nay then I see we must arrest his armes Captains should teach their souldiers to obey By their example Crab. Good Senior hold him fast Awake my sleeping courage now I come My courteous valour greets the Captain 's bum He kicks him Good I fear you 'l beat a hole into his drum Falc 'T is good to remove the cold theums from 's stomack But I believe the physick doth not work He spits for 't give him tother dram Hog My stomack 's not so cold but this foul wrong Hath soon inflam'd it shall the noble race Of Boca di la porca be disgraced And suffer with an asses patience Falc Divorce your hand good Captain from your hilt Or with his breath he 'l blow you into Atomes Hog I care not for his strongest blasts he 'l find The Hog foreseeing can prevent the wind Crab. For once I 'le buy your patience with a Fee Nay keep your distance for this price you shall Report that I subdu'd your stubbornness To my subjection and did make you yeild Your slavish neck to my insulting heel Hog I will proclaim your bounty equal to Your valour Sir and both superlative This shall buy sacrifice for good S. Crispin St. Martin's play-fellow this day is his The night to Crispianus is design'd Crab. Is this day Crispin's and I not know it Frolick my hearts this day is my birth day I do remember 't very well between The houres of twelve and one i' th' afternoon That 's about this time I 'me about one twenty Here 's think for to buy sacrifice we 'le make A merry night for Crispianus sake Good You now like a new Officer should shew Your power this one and twenty'th Crispin should Heighten your thoughts infuse new designs To make your servants and your tenants know They now are subject to a new Lord Master Crab. And well remembred Dick you said you spi'd My uncle here in town no matter what His business is but you shall take my horse and Ride to my Farm i' th' wild command my Baily To sell a hundred weathers but be sure You bring the money instantly Falc Before that he hath fold ena he will never do 't Besides he feares your uncle Crab. I will send My uncle and him both packing if they Displease me here 's my Father's seal go write And I 'le subscribe make haste the moon doth shine I do not mean to sleep 'till thy return Fâ—l Lâ—t not my slowness make you loose your sleepâ—â— But if I fall blame sunne or the knave baily Fâ—â—â— Gord. When you are ready you know where to find us Crab Captain you shall not see the gentle croft This night I 'le be your Saint and bunâ—â—h Crispin And Crispinnus from the Calender Hog Sir by your leave a Crab must first be boyl'd Before he can be written in red letters Good He 's written in red
Come I must chide you ' cause you 'l be alone Goodâ—â— I take this place to be a monastery And we are all monasticks by our order Free This is a fain'd derision of your fortune I see your thraldome makes you melancholy Good Sir I have learn't that there is nothing free But what is infinite Captivity Is the inheritance of all things finite Nor can we boast our liberty though we Are not restrained by strong holds when as The neighbouring aire confines us each man Is thraldom's perfect emblem for in all The soul is captive and the bodi 's thrall Free Well can I see that this Philosophy Is not the argument of true content But constrained patience which seeks reasons why We ought to suffer what we cannot flye But give me now to know my pardon first Being granted for my curiosity Did fate or choice acquaint you with this gallant Who now unworthily doth see you want Good I cannot without thanks recount the love Of that good man with whom I travelled he Was the sole guide and guardian of my youth I was his onely care his pupill son So he so all call'd and accounted me And I were most ingrate did I deny My self his son whose love made me his heir Free This answer 's strangely wide from what I askt Now I am shewing how this good old man Being very sick and ready for to pay The debt he owed to nature call'd me to him And councell'd me for Engâ—and to receive Some moneys owing him but above all To find a father fate only lent him leave To name his dwelling and that done he dyed Free Still you seem forgetfull of my question Good I now was coming too 't when I had spent Those sums my forward'st creditours would pay Then I began to seek a father where My Father did direct me there I found You Mr. of the house but this young gallant As I then learned his Fathers onely son Who late had purchast both the house and land I thinking then my Father was the seller Meant with a sweet revenge to pray upon The buyers heir and therefore I entice't His folly to the City but now I Do justly suffer for my foul intents Free However then you mist him you shall find A Father in that house half uncle to This vain expensive gallant now your cozen Good But how can you assure me in this truth Free My self is witness of the time when you Were first committed to the carefull trust Of him who since adopted you his son My old friend Curtise to confirm your faith Know I am prisoner for a debt is owing Unto your uncle this young gallants Father Which I was surety for his rigour made Me obstinate but dying he bestowed This debt upon your Father who is willing To grant my freedome at an easier rate And I of him to purchas 't at a greater Good Thanks unto heaven and you who thus have lightned My sorrows by the knowledge of a Father I have debts owing which would set me free That I may now go see him for if I Am son unto the Guardian of this heir He 's now in town with his fair neece daughter Free I can command the price of both our freedomes And be you rul'd by me you shall enjoy A greater happiness then liberty By a new bonda e but a sweeter Good If our thoughts agree your promise crowns my wishes Free When we are free I will unfold the riddle Before your Father therefore my first care Shall be we may enjoy an open aire Exeunt Enter Hog and Derrick Hog Sir for my good old masters sake I will Do what I can but this our little fort Iâ— so besieg'd with suiters that I fear The Governness will be constrained to yield By open force if she be not ensnared By some strange stratagem of Poetry Der. I care not this for all their ribaldry I never read of widow won by ryming Hog This and another thing will do the feat Infallibly but you shall hear a coppy Sent her this morning which you will confesse Is very dangerous thus it begins Even as the heedless flye seeking to taste The liquor glutinous is taken fast Within the galli-pot so wretched I Am caught alas by my viscosity Labouring for life in love-lime such is my lot For to be drown'd in Cupids galli-pot Then call me as I am 't is all I crave Sweet widow thy intangled gally-slave Who prayes to heaven that by the stars direction We of two simples may make one confection Der. This rascal talks like an Apothecary Hog He talks sir as he is and 't is more likely He will be worth his words though he do promise Miracles in these verses following I am no common suiter thou shalt see I can do wonders by my facultie My dâ—ugs thy you h and beauty shâ—ll ressore Level thosâ— wrinckles which age'gins to score Vpon thy furrowed brow thy fading hue Cold bloud decaying limbâ— I will renew Ceruss of asses milk and Mercury Lac Virginis but pedling trifles be To what I use I give not by my art Colour alone but strength to every part Which work when I have finish't in thee then I 'le Idolize thy beauty with my pen. Der. And when this Idoll's set up by the Noddy I 'le be the man shall worship her with my body You see sir I can time too for a need Hog Sir I am glad of your abilities Which may prevail if that his threatning lines Writ in poetick rage do not o're come her When you have heard them with a judging ear You cannot blame her if she love for fear Thus he goes on Yet know he begs who may command my skill Can temper for thy scorn a draught shall fill Thy veins with rage till thou hast spent a night In my Embrace and dull'd it with delight I ove-salle's cropt by Circe and Medea Which Sagana with bold Canidia Gathered by moon-light in mount Esquiline Are but weak Philters if compar'd with mine Then think upon my power and yield thy heart Rather toth ' prayers of love then strength of art Your humble friend and servitour Iohn Pestle Der. This Pestle shall ne're pound i' th widows mortar I care not for his sorc'ry he conjures best Can raise an active spirit in her circle Hog 'T is that his verses threaten had she seen um I know not what effect they might have taken Der. Has she not seen um then nor ever shall Thus ought seditious lines haretical Snatches um And Magical doctrine to be abolisht tears um Hog But for you friend your ears shall feel that they Are guilty too of hearing of this doctrine Der. Nay prethee honesty be not offended Here is a quarter Iacobin to buy Thee cooling Iulips to allay thy choler Hog I am appeas'd now listen to the way How to obtain my Mrs. first you must Take no denyall women often yield Sooner to importunity then reason Der. Like to the