natural life of the said Asse And to this effect she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Asse so died Shortly after the Asse died also Then the olde womans sonne who had a colt of the aforesaid asse finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent which he lawfully demanding of the Executors they denyed to deliuer him He thereupon came to a graue Doctor in law to haue his aduise in the case Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter thus resolu'd him viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oates because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother as also his colt to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text which hee concluded he would warrant for good law One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter hauing so good a purse and so great friends The Gent answered If that bee all your hope the more is the pity A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes gaue the Feasant for her cognizance and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law said at the barre in disgrace of her cause that he doubted not ere he had done but he wold throughly plume her Feasant and make it a poore bird The Gentlewoman answered Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme and th' one saide to th' other I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme Not so answered the other rather doe I thinke you haue For your bagges I dare say are so top-full of fees that when you throw them downe vpon the boord they make no sound at all as mine doe Th' other reply'd Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money and you of me in musicke A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giueÌ„ against one And he answered Quod esquilse esquilse viz Quod scripst scripst A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne The Lawyer did it And then hee offred him his sword in payment Wherunto the Lawyer excepted and said Blade me no bladings but giue me good gheult A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes was in a pelting chafe and by chaunce a friend of his comming in and marueilling to see him so teasty The Lawyer sayd I doe but canuasse the errour of this action A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme wading through a brooke the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away And euen as his legges began to faile him he turn'd backe to his boy and said Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine come giue it me quickly The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo tooke an oath according to the prerogatiue of that place to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priuiledges inuiolable which after he had sworn and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record The saide Notarie then said vnto him If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne God blesse you if not God incline your heart that you may and blesse you neuerthelesse A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister and the words went thus Be it known vnto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertaine that I A. B of such a place doe by these presents passe graunt giue and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued And heerat he paused a while to spette Whereat his surlie maister half angrie testie said On on with a mischiefe Then the fellow proceeded and read Namely to you and your heires and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testament in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him which he will'd his executors to take vp and dispose to such and such vses A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him long'd to heare some good newes to that effect and â—aide vnto the Scriuener hagh hagh what saith my vncle now Doth he now make his Maundies No answered the Scriuener he is yet in his demaunds A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling Iew one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney Wherunto the Scriuener answered No they are no mooueables for I dare say they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe The end of the second part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The third Part. OF LOVE AND LOVERS ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse and fearing least she should neglect how sweet it was wrote in a post-script vnderneath I pray you maistresse after you haue read this letter smell to it A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter and she objecting that she was too meanly discended to be wife to so great a Lord as he He answered A more matter is loue then Lordship A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her and at last away he pranced Anon after he came that way again and did as before and so continued a good while At last he departed for good and all and being come home he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page Which the Gentlewoman accepting said vnto the page Now I pray thee my Lad thanke thy maister and tel him that I thought his euening wind would turne to water A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp was demanded by a friend of his whether he went Who answered To practise vpon a sinner in th' act of charitie Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish and it signifieth Celestiall A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina Who answered Your selfe being the Originall what would you doe with the translation Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine Two Gent. came to visit a GentlewomaÌ„ whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together one of them said Lord what a fresh house is this I haue not come in a fresher Th' other answered No marueill for it hath a Fuente in it viz. a fountaine A Gent. had stolne a faire
his fine wife being on a time in conuersation among her gossips and talking of big husbands shee said And I for my part thanks be to God haue Ducket ynough as you all know and yet I assure yee hee is too light by two graines One asking his neighbour how old his wife was he answereâ— Her marke is not yet out One woonted to say If your wife bid you throw your self out at a window pray God that it be not far to the ground A Gardener being to be hang'd his wife came to giue him her last kisse at the gaâ—lows to whom he said Fie on thee baggage thus are wee like to thriue well at the yeares end there cannot be a meeting in all the countrey but still thou wilt bee sure to make one Home and weed home and weed with a very vengeance The Admirall of Castile said that who so takes a wife is like a souldiour that goes to the warres to oppose himselfe against all encounter One hearing a curst husband threatening his shrewd wife that vnlesse shee held her tongue hee would beate her with his dagger said vnto him If you beat her with the dagger she 'll beat you with the scabberd OF WOMEN ONe demanded of a Physition why men still sue to women women neuer to men Hee answered Because women are alwaies ready for men and men not alwaies for women One asked a Gentlewoman why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation and only women most gently yeeld vnto it She answered because women are no beasts A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countreyman to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man In th' end after manie curtesies and much a do he answered In sooth Maistresse whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a woman and his chamberpot alike neither of both but for his ease A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter then thus he answered Hold heer faire maid this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day A Gentleman comming to a marchants house the Dogge flue at him at the doore he with his dagger smit off his taile The good wife heerat was testie misus'd the Gent. in tearms Wherupon he said Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best she answered her daughters A Gent. that stood by then said Mee thinkes God hauing made you a Carrier you should loue a packneedle well A woman in anger said what I pray yee doe you doubt of my honestie No answered th' other for it neuer stood in my way A maide had swallowed a dramme too much not knowing that shee was with childe but felt a paine in her belly carried her water to a Physition complayning to him of the grief Who answered Be a good cheere wench for I 'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans honesty to his face in honest company he disdaining such her praise as proceeding from a woman of her infamie said I hope I was neuer dishonest with you that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie King Edward the fourth was woont to say that a womans greatest difficulty is to hold her peace A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman and she answered Faith sir no had I a hundred thinges you should not haue any one of theÌ„ Say you so reply'd the Gent. I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing you let a hundred vse it An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long and longing for night said vnto her gossips Now would God it were euen now night or els that I were vnmaried againe A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding together and by chance an acquaintance of his came by who saide vnto him Lord what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman I know her of olde she is too hard a match for you He answered Then a Gods name let her chyde with S. Peter S. Martin Bristoll Yorke London and not with me One vs'd to say Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde well may hee bestow her vpon her better if 25. vpon her equall if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes who were all maried in the same towne Now this stale maid their sister then hop'd that such their meting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her but it fell out otherwise For after that dinner was done the father said thus vnto them Sonnes I haue bid you all to dinner to day to th' end that euery of you resolue me where you mean to be buried when you die or whether you thinke it not best that I build a tombe for vs altogether Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe Then the eldest sonne said For my part father I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die so the rest in a row all as they thought good At last when they had all sayd the father turn'd him about to his daughter and ask'd her where she would be buried She answered Faith no where father for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so well you wot the Church allowes them no buriall at all A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin and was none being child-sicke the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay shee answered Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water My boat maistresse hath a leak just wheras you sit yet feare not a Gods name for there 's no amisse but may be amended One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie an other that stood by then answered why women are best wheÌ„ they lie One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust shee said All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband wherfore if your request be honest and reasonable goe mooue it to my husband A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd and a crooked person And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time shee said As for friendes cosen it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands we must take them as we find them A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule She
as thou dealest in this case My setled sences to amaze So all thy bosted benefits Do but bereaue men of their wits to ensuing yls Then so an errand theefe thou art To steale away mens wits by art Aswell as they are murtherers That drowne but willing marriners with their musickes wiles Thou also art a murtherer In giuing men false wings to houer About vntrue felicitie Whereby they fall into the sea of a thousand deathes Thou art that spirit that S. Powle Did feele to wrestle with his soule And pray'd our Lord to set him free From such a peeuish enemie of his wel-wishes The Poets of Gentilitie Haue pen'd downe many a historie How that their gods were turn'd to beastes In executing thy behestes and dishonestie Thou art the excrement of lust Thy first and last is all vniust From lust inrag'd to ill asswag'd So is so endeth thy disparrage and ignominie What louer yet did euer proue Other complement in loue Then lust which euery beast can doe Doing but that that longs thereto euen as well as man So then is it right euident Thou art but a disparagement And all thy grace indignity That so mankind doest beastifie with lustes pollution Oh what a heauie case is it Man for lust to loose his wit And leaue his true Nobility For brute-beastlie carnalitie through thy base instinct King Salomon was passing wise Till loue and lust did him surprise And Sampson that most valiant Iue Was neuer weakened but by you nor in chaines inlinckt As for thy bosted vnitie Troy can witnesse that 's a lie Her ten years warres and latter fall Tels that thou wert cause of all that topsie turuy What Natures consanguinity Deere friendship or affinity Good law or custome doth vnite Thou turn'st to discord and despight through thy scurrility Thou breed'st debate in heretages Bastardizing families â Thou runst to witches and the deuill All to compasse thy foule euill lust and luxurie Thou vsest poysons for to kill And to intoxicate the will Witnesse the Emperour Caligula So vsed by Cesonia t' intice his amitie Rapes and incests are from thee Thou sparest not Vestality Nor any place of priuilege So shamelesse is thy sacrilege and vile presumption There is no iust commandement Nor good obey in Loues intent For Loue and lust preuaricates Awe and reason in all estates with leud confusion And if thou make the miser free It is to buy more misery And if thou make the dotard wise T' is dotage turn'd to Ideotize as dung to durt And if thou make the coward stout It is to compasse filth about His stoutnes is but shamelesnesse To doe and boast his beastlinesse a stout peece of worke If thou remilde the franticke man Thou mak'st him but a tame foole than If kings and Cesars thou subdue What mischiefes doe not then ensue to their common weales Did not King Rodericke of Spaine Count Iulians bed with lust distaine From whence ensu'd 800. yeeres Of Spannish warres altogethers against infidels King Dauids case is scripturall What punishments did him befall And to his people from aboue For his vnlawfull lustie loue with faire Bersabe As for thy vaunted Taylery Thy stillings and perfumerie Thy physicke and thy cookerie All 's but abuse of honesty and traines to foolerie Vpon a bad foundation All building 's desolation No glorious guilt or gallant show Can warrant it from ouerthrow the ground-work failing So nor thy brags can better thee Grounded on Lusts base infamie The mean-worke being passion The top a loath'd fruition after once obtayning Then in like sort is vanitie Thy Court-ship and thy country glee But specially thy priuities And all thy twinfold coplatiues in hugger mugger And where thou prat'st of miracles As fire infus'd in t ' yce-siccles The dead reuiu'd the blind to see And such like cripple trumperie I tell thee brother Such vile effectes are monstrous Not any whit miraculous For miracles are holy-doomes And monsters are all but hel-doomes and imperfections The Deuill I trowe is scandaliz'd To see a seuent-yeere man surpriz'd With Lusts vndue lubricity In those yeares of philosophy and tame fashions But say that Cesar and the sage And cripple age sometimes engage It selfe to lust that argueth Their frailtie and not thy noblenesse the fact being foule Much lesse is heauen beautify'd With any grace from thee deriu'd It being no fleshly creature But of a farre better feature and a better soule Extreame is thy presumption To vaunt so high a function Heauen to be ordered by thee That art earths onlie infamy and high dishonour But as thou art a naked wretch So is' t thy nature to out-stretch Thy limmes to lust thy lips to lies Heauen and earth to scandalize with th' one and th' other Oh that mankind would but refraine His idle and delicious vaine Of liuing then were thy puissance Quite quaild or of pettie mussance to our mortality For but in sâ—oth and daintinesse Raignes thy lustfull wretchednesse Who-euer liueth otherwise Doth vanquish thee and Caesarize or'e all thy villanie Long and helthy liueth he Rich happy and merrily Nor botch nor poxe nor lewd vnrest Doth betide his noble brest in paines and temprance He riots not in gluttony Nor carroling ebriety He skils no brabble nor blasphemes Nor liues by any vngodly meanes but with due maintenance His speech his gesture and attire Represent a stay'd desire No new-fangle forme or fashion Or fantasticall passion taints his discretion His conuersation is vpright Shining through all despight Reason high dominioning All his actions as a king with reputation Reason is an Antelope That lust-full fellowes follow not With peace and order at her heele She guides men to the common-weele of glory and fame She is my lanterne and my light My Land-lady and my tergat bright By her I see to her I fee By her I am defenc'd from thee and from all thy shame She poynts me to a happy Loue Faire and chast in heauen aboue Whose name is holie Charitie Grand-mother of all honesty and of all vertue In which faire loue I see a light Far passing all this worlds delight T' is vertues retribution When death hath done his function which none can eschew Vpon which light and sweet delight Whiles I but newly set my sight Resoluing to attaine thereto By all the good that I can doe what wind blew thee hether To interrupt so deere a thought With thy Loue lust-polluted taulk As though I were some errand foole Doctrinable in thy Schoole and baudy grammer Go get thee gone vnhallowed Elfe And leaue me alone vnto my selfe T' attend my speculation Of th' aforesaid contentation my soule aspires to Loue. Now haue I heard with patience All your chollericke offence And sooth to say there is amisse Somewhat in my blessednesse but I 'le shew you how There is a kind of people that Being one halfe cold th' other hot Know not how to choose the meane But loue in a vitious extreame and so dishonour me Heerhence it