Pleading therefore hath a Trick in Hand For there such Quirks and Niceties he displays The Lawyers are confus'd at what he says And such a dust before their Eyes doth throw There 's none can tell for whom the cause will goe All which is done with art political To cheat the * Videndum est maxi me Ne Civitas legibus fundata legib avertatur laert Law the Cliem Court and all Hence comes a motion from his rav'nous throat That some good Neighbours would their peace promote Urges a reference doth name the Squires Fittest to follow his most just desires Which if refused as it oft falleth out For neither party hath great cause to doubt The Jury by some signal mark or thing A special Verdict to the Court doth bring Which doth divide the cause between them so That one can't well against the other crow This proves at times of such Validity Both prize it equal with a Victory His * Lewis the 11th King of France wore a Leaden Crucifix in his Bonnet which as often as he murdered any Body he kist it and craved Perdon Many take God for a Leaden One Lordship laughs in 's sleeve at all is done Thinks least of Heav'n or Damnation Euphorbus Madam you little think with what sad Heart Whil'st you the sad relation do impart Of this Philarguros I here do sit Lord help this World or else finish it Nor am I less affected when I mind The †Nil publicae mercis tam Venale quam hodie Advocatorum perfidia sit Tacit. Perjuries you in the Juries find In my small time I 've observation made There are of that employ that mak 't a trade And these like Hounds that after Carion goe At ev'ry ' ssize themselves in clusters show * Caninum Studium Confessum latrocinium Columetra These keep their Chambers and with brazen pate Do sit like Barristers in Pomp and State Whom vile Attorneys and base gentry do Most shamelesly in Troopes resort unto To tempt like Devils them to things unjust And damn their Soules for white and yellow Dust Themista My Dear Euphorbus whil'st you 'r on this head I le tell you lately what hath happened Within Schlwvonia at a Tryal there The truth of which you need not doubt or fear Upon Novembers Mon'th if not miscast A Tryal in the Basha's Court there past 'T wixt Guelp and Gibeline for so it was All men almost for one of these did pass The Action frivolous as most actions are That come to be determin'd at that Bar The Plaintiffs Witness and Defendants both Where equal for their Number and their Troth Their Oathes quite cross unto each others goe One Swore 't was Pitch the other Swore 't was Snow The Jury were a dozen Sans compare And could his Worship humour to an hair These did the Basha gravely counsel give To make their Verdict as they did believe They pond'ring who was Guelp who Gibeline Lo where 's the Gib the cause is clearly thine That day one Tryal only passed more Which was as frivolous as that before Where upon Oath shrew'd Witnesses arose To prove the Basha did on them impose A false Record which though he understood As well's his Deputy Gusmannus Crude Yet spight of fate the Tryal must be past Wherein the Guelp quite on his back was cast Euphorbus I lately of that Court indeed have heard And that the Basha hath it meerly marr'd By Packing Juries and perverting right According to the Dictates of his spite Such counter swearing ' mongst them ther 's t is said That some for fear have from these Tryals fled And if the Pillory had but its due St. Eustace might afford cheap heaps of Glue Yet hath that †Boni Viri boni vini Originem non curiose inquirendum Coef Ferd. 1. place for Ages been renown'd For lofty Poets and Divines profound Acutest Lawy'rs and more not to name Here suckt their Milk Men of great parts and fame That Air 't is thought did nature so supply It was a Natural Academie But by what strange mishap I cannot say It 's waxt Adult'rate and its brightest day Is chang'd to night where long hath dwelt the Owl And a lame Goose hath kept the Capitol Themista I 'm sensible Euphorbus I 've digrest Now of Philarguros I 'le tel the rest One noted slight his Avarice more to heal I shall to thee impartially reveal He 'l tell the World how great a Foe he is To all that Excreise Embraceries Curseth the Hand that taketh Bribe or Fee Against the rules of Law or Equity Yet Fryar-like that could not Finger Gold His Boy can freely touch 't and 't safely hold This mighty man whilst he 's at Chancery Bar Doth keep at Home a fatter one by far Manag'd by Stewards with that care and wit Af if at Athens they had studied it In comes a Coach that 's daub'd without with Gold Within Rich Linings as Man can behold Drawn by six Stalions of Barbarian Race Which are a Present for his Lady Grace Then comes another with a glittering Watch Span-new from Artists Hands sans flaw or patch Which in great caution by the waiting-maid Into his Daughters keeping is convey'd Nor needs it Motto to declare the hap For which it falls a Victim to her lap Anon a Team of Oxen bell'wing come Which with hard driving at the Mouth do foam These doth the nimble Hind install enfold Until his master come and them behold Nor is their Dairy-Maid or Horse-Man vile Whose Hand base Bribery doth not defile But what they take besure shan't wast or rust Alas poor Soules they are but Slaves in trust For these at even to Philarguros Yield up account with every farthing-cross Together with the Names of such great men As brought these generous Presents to his Den Which on his Book are set He 'l damn his Soul But in due season will well-please them all Euphorbus Lord bless me these affairs are strange rare And were nev'r heard of in a Christian Air. Turkey it self where the great Sultan sways Hath no Example of such crimes as these Madam I shall herein you truly serve And give that Sentence which their Sins deserve Themista Euphorbus Pardon me I make so bold And to thine Ears that I these things have told It is some ease to mine afflicted Heart That I with freedome can these things impart Contracted grief within so narrow room Would else be sure Prognostick of my doome My next essay shall therefore be to paint Out * A Coward Periphobes that fictitious Saint Whom for his mildness some would fain adore An Apple fair he is unfound at Core Whose Compass ' is his fancy and doth bear Within his Breast an Heart much like an †Dlonysius metu anxius nemini se credens familiarium Suorum aut propinquorum tonderefilias Suas docuit ne tonsori Collum commit terer aquibus tamen is cumiam esseut Adultae
ferrum removit Instituitq ut Candentibus juglandium putaminibus barbam sibi Capilum adurerent Hare Such Ears likewise he hath The murm'ring sound But of a Bush he taketh for an Hound Which makes him take his Leggs run for fear When not the least apparent danger 's neer And hence it is when on the Throne he sits A bold Offender drives him from his wits A boysterous word from either Count or Clown Shall run his Majesterial Honour down So that without respect unto the cause Oft to their Rage doth sacrifize the Lawes Fear being in the Scale I oft him find The Faces of distressed ones to grind Without reluctance or respect to me Against his Oath which should most Sacred be For he well knows these can no Patrons have That from his Hands might juster measure crave Euphorbus A Plaugy Pest it is and like it none To see a * Artemon adeo timidusfuit ut domi plurimum viveret Servis duobus Scutum aereum Supia Caput Semper tenentibus ue quod Superne Caderet aut ne Caeium rueret Herae par Coward sit upon a Throne None are more cruel none more Sanguine be When favour'd with fit Opportunity Mauricius the Emp'ror can't inhast Out of my Thoughts without great dread be cast Who sick at Heart did dream by Phocas he One time or other should assaffin'd be He asketh Phillip what might Phocas be One of thine own Centariens saith he A Man of great Ambition but withal Ther 's not such Coward more among them all Then he 'l my Murdrer be a Bloody Spirit Saith he a Poltrons breast doth still inherit He prov'd true Prophet for within few days He kill'd the Emp'ror and his Scepter sways Themista Patly apply'd Euphorbus I 'le go on With Periphobes and his Passion Some to his guilt this Passion do impute Others do this Conjecture quite confute Ascribing it unto his vast Estate Which he would keep against the checks of Fate By hoarding up a swarm of Friends that may Be useful to him in a doubtful Day Others again do charge this Action foul Upon the narrowness of his own Soul Let these enjoy their Humours but I must To thee declare the reason true and just He fears not God and can't at all believe What Divine Records of his Name do give His matchless Justice Holiness and Pow'r Reside not on his serious Thoughts an hour May he therefore secure his Corps and pelf With thoughts of Hell he won't disease himself Nor love of Justice make him ope his Jawes For God his People or his sacred Lawes Euphorbus Lord I 'm aston'd at what I now do hear Who could once think there could such panick fear Seize that Mans Heart who holdeth his abode In seat of Justice and in place of God When of our Saviour's Crucifiction I With seriousness peruse the History I do observe for no Inferiour cause That Jesus Christ our Lord Condemn'd was By Pilate for he fear'd the People Rude And kill'd our Lord to please the Multitude And therefore justly in our Christian Creed His most abhorred Name is Jibbeted That Generations whil'st the World shall last May of the like Injustice be agast A modern Story likewise comes to mind Of one Judge Morgan which Inrol'd we find Within the Reign of Mary Englands queen Which without Trembling can't be read or seen This Man in Judgment sate on Lady Jane An Innocent yet was most roughly ta'ne And brought at his Tribunal Her cause heard His Conscience prickt him but because afear'd In quitting her he might procure a Frown From either Privy-Counsel or the Crown He did a fatal Sentence ' gainst her pass Accordingly she Executed was Immediately the Judge grows wonderous sad And desperately died Raging Mad. One recent instance more I can't but Name Which publique stories in our Ears procla'me And therefore shall with rev'rence tell the same How did King Charles of all Kings the best At 's dying hour ev'n from his Heart detest That Fact of his in giving his consent To Straffords Death aw'd by the Parliament No Sin of his on 's Conscience gastlier stood Then the effusion of his Guiltless Blood Let these Examples make the World beware How they wound Justice on a groundless fear Themista My Dear Euphorbus I shall nothing say Concerning Periphobes more this Day Mind only how I do his crimes resent And with all sharpness urge him to repent I le name another one Mamodes * A Furious One That doth me most Notorious Injuries He bears a dreadful presence where he rules And counteth all Men save himself but Fooles His Eyes are sparkling as if they would bore The Breasts of Mortals to find out a Sore †Quo pacto quispium aut jus recte dicere aut homines decenter Judicare posset quinon Utrumq litigantem audiverit Plato His Nose long-hang'd like to a Vultures Snout That at a Distance scents Delinquents out A †Crudelitatis horridus est habitus Truculenta facies Violenti Spititus Vox terribilis Ora minis et cru entis imperiis referta ui Silentium donare incremertum est adricere Val. Max. 1 9. single Eared Gentleman he is And that 's half Deaf for want of Exercise The first complaint one Ear so long en grost The sense of th' other is quite gon and lost Yea such Disease on that one Ear is grown He is offended at some kindes of tone What the distemper is great thoughts there be Some take 't for a Noli me tangere For if this humour any chance to touch Difficilem oporlet anrem habere ad crimina Publi He 'l bite and snarl his froward temper's such As if the Laws that are both good and right Were to vail Bonnet to his Rage and spite So that e're Pris'ners at the Bar can speak Ira in auribus habitat He doth into a thundring Passion break Oportet Judicem aures obiusas habere hebetes ad rumores atque fabulas Plato Which ore their Hearts doth such affrightment spread That 'fore they know their crimes they are half dead Anon the Indictments read wherein are told Ten Crimes among them which scarse one will hold With such dread Circumstances more beside He must a Devil be if not bely'd Nihil est violentius aure Tyranni Satyr Persp cierdum est Judicanti Nequid aut durius aut remissius Constituatur quam causa deposcit Martiarus Vp stands Maniodes Sirrah you hear What ' gainst you will faith he be made appear The †Hanging is the worst use a man can be put unto Clarendon St. H. W. Gallows long since Villain groan'd for thee And thither shortly shall thy Carkass be What further hast thou in defence to say Till Derick come and take thee quite away He 's mute the very thoughts of threatned Death Lays a suspension on his coming Breath Thus he behaves himself at open Barr And in the Country is no less severe
Seem like one fallen in a fatal swound No Word no Motion Lord whence is this For Gods sake rouse and do your self advance Impart your griefs and if ought may be done Within the compass of my Function None shall within the Universe you find That to your comfort shall be more inclin'd With this she sighs and makes a doleful groan And to Euphorbus doth express her moan Themista Justice Dear Sir she said I 'm glad to see you here Your very presence doth my Vitals cheer ' T' is not the least of mine affliction that I 've Unfrequented in this posture sate Heav'n lately sent me in abundant Love From my blest Station in the World above To Yeild my service to an Earthly throng That daily did complain of fraud and wrong And tho I 'm come to do them lawful right Ther 's none that cares to come within my sight As if I were a Spectrum or some Ghost Which nev'r before arrived in their Coast The name of Justice doth extreamly make The Hearts of Pcasant and of Prince to quake So that upon my Throne neglected I Awaited them that did my presence fly I 'le go to Heav'n again and there I 'le say Lord hasten thy long-looked for Judgment day Take my Commission in thy Hands agen For thou art Judge of Angels and of Men. Euphorbus Madam I tremble at your hasty flight When Titan hides himself we 'r cloath'd with night The World into its Chaos old would turn Justitia remora nil aliud Sunt regna Ni si latrocinia Greg. If you should leave us and your work adjourn Unto that fatal day Both Devils and Men Like Rav'ning Lyons soon would quit their Den To Prey upon the Innocent Fiat Justitia aut percat Mundus Coes-Ferd and who Shall rescue them that are so weak so few For their Sakes yet abide and if there be Malignants that oppose your Sov'raignty Expose them to the Light within my Sphere I shall without respect to Love or Fear Declare your Message in their stubborn Ear. Themista I thank you Sir you have in part allay'd The heavy Burden on my Heart was laid But yet I doubt my labour will be vain My Foes have got the Throne and proudly reign They 'l scorn my message your counsel sleight Perchance confound you with their raging might Euphorbus Madam this shall not me at all deter From being your most Faithful Messenger Heav'ns promis'd aid I never yet have mist Since first I was ordain'd Evangelist They will afford me Tongue and whet my words Which deeper shall them wound then Spears or Swords My foreheads made of Brass I le flatter none I 'le face both Prince and Judge upon the Throne And if I fall in doing of my trust My Blood will not be smothered in the Dust Themista Bravely resolv'd and if your courage hold I shall before your rev'rend Eyes unfold Who are the Miscreants which do daily lay A Thousand Scandals in my Duties way I 'le first begin with one * A Self-loving Judge Philautus who Oft taken for an honest Judge and true And on that only Supposition Hath for a season long possest the Throne But on a narrow search I did him find One that Immensly to Himself is kind Respects not me He is a Corp'lent Beast One hugely pleased with a sumptuous Feast May he but Ryot and drink Wine in Bowles He 'l slight all Humane Bodys States and Soules He seemeth Pur-blind but at times his Eye Will in a Pack of Hay a Needle ' spy On 's still intensly fixt upon himself His gap'd for Honour and his Mounts of pels The other keepeth close or open's wide As his own Interest doth best him guide He flatters great Men but towards the Clown Without regard to me he casts a frown He pumps his Princes humour and will strain A Point in Law his favour to obtain Wherein may he but have the hope to live He 'l sriendly seem to the Prerogative And raise it higher than it was before Waving the Lawes the Subjects Wealth or Gore This have I known and hence it comes to pass Poor Men so oft becomes the Great Mans Asse To bear their loads till fore opprest she cast Them all and fall into the Mire at last Goe tell this Wretch in spight of Prince or Pope He merits not a Scarlet Gown but Rope For not their Honour nor their Weal he mindes When thus the Faces of the Poor he grindes But his own Profit which when he doth draw Within the Clutches of his rav'nous Paw He hath his End Then goes in holes to Quaff And at their Ruines all doth Jeer and Laugh If he won't hear you but will disbelieve This perfect Narrative that I do give If all consent with him and therefore won't This Horrid Caitiffe at their Bar effront I 'le come my self and will due Vengeance pay Upon their Heads in an unlook'd for day My Name no longer shall become a shroud To harm the Guiltless and secure the Proud Euphorbus In Rev'rence Madam of your Sacred Name I shall the Message in their Ears proclaim Nor from its method Retrograde an ace Giving each accent its deserved Grace Tell who 's the next Malignant that hath dar'd To Clog your way and reg'lar course insnar'd Themista * A Covetous One Philarguros I next must roundly blame For he hath oftentimes usurp'd my Name Whose Justice if 't to him I may ascribe Was ever midwif'd with a whisking Bribe This Oyl l'argent is what men most apply On 's Chariot Wheels to make them swiftly fly Without the which when on the Bench he sits He is Indifferent whether he miss or hits But leaves it to the Faithless Jury to Improve it for their Friend or gainst their Foe Nor may you wonder such a Kennel are Of Jury-Men before my Rev'rend Bar. Scenting the Prey for where the Carion is Eagles do gather in great Companies A Judge corrupt soon makes a Jury so Like unto Like the Proverb still doth goe Such Correspondence is betwixt them all That into varience they do seldom fall Nor i' st consistent with the Politicks That they should blab abroad each others tricks Philarguros his Hand receives anon What 's sacrific'd to his Devotion Which by a due Observance you may find Is still extended on his Breech behind Lest that his squeazy Opticks hap to be The Witness of his Cursed Briberie And that if call'd to Swear upon good cause May say I nev'r saw Bribe from that mans Paws This done his Name is in a Table set And sure this Man he will not once forget His Eyes are piercing and they quickly ken His Benefactors from all other Men. One thing material I must mention more So greedy is he after Yellow Oare That 'fore the Sun the Horizon forgo'th This Cormorant takes Fees of partys both Nor is' t because his Mem'rie is unsound But that his Avarice is so profound His busmess well enough doth understand At
For he no sooner comes in Towns and sits But he 's enquiring after Hugonets Summons the Officers to bring him in A List of such as have most guilty bin This so much doth allarm the Neighbourhood Men leave their Houses to possess some Wood And tho' the Lyon did design his Paw ' gainst horned Beasts alone that crost his Law Yet will the Hare whose fall the Lyon scorns Tremble for fear his Ears be termed Hornes Euphorbus Madam the truth of this must be believ'd By what I know in Spain where once I liv'd And therefore for diversions-sake shall tell What an affrighted Peasant there befel A Lord Inquisitor by chance did range And came into a silly Peasants Grange On whom poor Soul no sooner cast his sight But fell a trembling 'fore this man of might As if some Ghost or Daemon rather had Appear'd and in some gastly garb been clad And having little to procure him grace For he was poor and in a thrift-less case A Flasque of Pears before his Lordship brings In most submissive mode ' mongst other things Which are accepted but when they were spent His Lordship not remote him message sent He must needs speak with him Lord what 's the cause Thinks he I never did offend the Laws I am no Hugonet nor Heretick Nor at the Churches Rites did ever stick Both Mass and Mattens I did still frequent Confest and Penance did in time of Lent Calvin and Luther I do curse and hate Nor did I think or act ' gainst Church or State What have I done that I must go before His Direful Lordship the Inquisitor Immediatly the Peasant takes his Bed Nor Eats nor Drinks looks like a man that 's dead His Lordship hearing that the Man was Ill And could not in that part observe his will Another Messenger at last repaires Tells him his Lordship only begs some Pears He soon revives and presently did goe Into the Orchard where his Fruit did grow Roots up the Tree and with good will anon Delivers it with store of Fruit thâ—â—â—… The Messenger condemns his rashness and Acquaints him that he did not understand His drift herein His Lordships only wish Out of that Store was but one friendly Dish Good Sir be pleas'd he said and forthwith wept Within my House and Garden shall be kept Nought what his Lordship loves now you 've the tree You nor your Lord shall I hope more to see For I protest Death don't I more abhor Than the grim lookes of the Inquisitor The thoughts of whom since thou last saw'st my house Hath made me value Life not at one Louse Justice severely †Scriptum Sequi Calum niatoris est beni vero Judicis auctâ—ritâ—tem volentatemque desendere rackt growes wan and dies It s empty Throne Oppression soon supplies Whose direful rage unduely Subjects awes And works abhorrence both to Lords and Laws God keep St. Eustace's Government that she May not transgress the bounds of Eqnity Lest she turn Tyrant and perchance what 's worse Her Infant May'r look like her Old * Termultis annts prae teteritis div ulgatum suiâ— quoddam Spectrum eo Nomine Mense Decembris ibi Perambulasse black horse Excuse me if I 've this you told in vain Madam I long to hear what doth remain Themista Some are perchance surpriz'd brought before His Worship who like Lord Inquisitor Gives them their Oath You shall make answer true To all such Questions as are askt of you And forthwith by a most Imperial Nod Bids him to Kiss the Book so help you God By Contents of the Book which you have kist When saith he last took you the Eucharist When were you at the Mass when were you shrift And let your answer be without a shift When did you Penance likewise tell me who Was that damn'd Heretick last preacht to you These silly Lambs what man can but condole Who hereby damn their Body or their Soul Nor can they from his dreadful Sentence fly Without the cursed help of Perjury Euphorbus Hev'ns bless our Nation and maintain the †Jura publica certissima sunt humanae Vitae Solatia infirmorum auxilia potentum fraena Cassiod Law Which doth on Subjects no such mischief draw But ev'ry Peccant is per testes charg'd For want of which the Pris'ner is enlarg'd The Ex-official Oath the Parliament To Rome and Hell from whence it came hath sent That Court or Judge that shall it re-inspire Falls Sans redress into a Praemunire And this Right Magna Charta doth convey None is himself obliged to betray Themista I know the English Lawes are just and good Yet by some Rulers not well understood They with like Oaths as these not taking care Oft ' gainst the Law some silly Soules insnare But for Gods sake and your own Countrys good Tell what I say Bid them beware of * Injuste reum absoluere quam injuste damnate Occidere praestat illnd namque peccatum hoc Impietas Antipho Blood The Miscreant next Parantmos we have A Gentleman both Antient Wise and Grave His Eyes are roving all the World about To find the humours 〈◊〉 all Persons out Of which he keeps account so full so true He knows their Birth ' State Parts Friends store or few His Mem'ry his his Mon'ter that directs Him how to give them all their meet respects Squaring the Measures of his Actions so His favours ever with the stream do goe Hence is' t when that two differees have long Been by the Ears concerning right and wrong Met at the Barr to hear the Sentence last That likely shall be at the Action past The very Clowns that least of Law do know Forchode and tell for whom the cause will goe And when my self has doubted I have gon Through a vast crowd a most num'rous throng Pluckt him by th' Ear yea pincht his leathern heart Cry'd Justice Justice yet he did not start But gives the final Sentence that might best Serve his own Friend Geeat Man or Interest Not long agoe a Man of mean Estate Hoping for Justice waited at his Gate And that so long so oft without access That he despaires goes off without success His mean Deportment and his Sun-burnt Skin Wanted a Pass to let him friendly in His cause was dismal for his cruel Lord Did not like Measure ere that time afford He cast this Man from out his Farm because He wanted Copy-License from his Paws Tho his own Steward promis'd it before For one Gold Angel and as good as Swore With much ado †Judicis auxilium sub iniqua lege regato Saepe etiam Leges cupiunt ut Jure regantur Cato Paranomos at last His lofty Eyes upon this Mushrom cast Fellow saith he I can't now talk with you You must at Law his Lordships Steward Sue A task so Vaine as if to have his right An Infant had been bid Goliah fight Whereas he should redrest such wrong as this By pleading for him Form