natural life of the said Asse And to this effect she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Asse so died Shortly after the Asse died also Then the olde womans sonne who had a colt of the aforesaid asse finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent which he lawfully demanding of the Executors they denyed to deliuer him He thereupon came to a graue Doctor in law to haue his aduise in the case Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter thus resolu'd him viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oates because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother as also his colt to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text which hee concluded he would warrant for good law One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter hauing so good a purse and so great friends The Gent answered If that bee all your hope the more is the pity A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes gaue the Feasant for her cognizance and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law said at the barre in disgrace of her cause that he doubted not ere he had done but he wold throughly plume her Feasant and make it a poore bird The Gentlewoman answered Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme and th' one saide to th' other I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme Not so answered the other rather doe I thinke you haue For your bagges I dare say are so top-full of fees that when you throw them downe vpon the boord they make no sound at all as mine doe Th' other reply'd Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money and you of me in musicke A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giueÌ„ against one And he answered Quod esquilse esquilse viz Quod scripst scripst A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne The Lawyer did it And then hee offred him his sword in payment Wherunto the Lawyer excepted and said Blade me no bladings but giue me good gheult A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes was in a pelting chafe and by chaunce a friend of his comming in and marueilling to see him so teasty The Lawyer sayd I doe but canuasse the errour of this action A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme wading through a brooke the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away And euen as his legges began to faile him he turn'd backe to his boy and said Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine come giue it me quickly The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo tooke an oath according to the prerogatiue of that place to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priuiledges inuiolable which after he had sworn and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record The saide Notarie then said vnto him If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne God blesse you if not God incline your heart that you may and blesse you neuerthelesse A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister and the words went thus Be it known vnto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertaine that I A. B of such a place doe by these presents passe graunt giue and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued And heerat he paused a while to spette Whereat his surlie maister half angrie testie said On on with a mischiefe Then the fellow proceeded and read Namely to you and your heires and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testament in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him which he will'd his executors to take vp and dispose to such and such vses A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him long'd to heare some good newes to that effect and â—aide vnto the Scriuener hagh hagh what saith my vncle now Doth he now make his Maundies No answered the Scriuener he is yet in his demaunds A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling Iew one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney Wherunto the Scriuener answered No they are no mooueables for I dare say they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe The end of the second part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The third Part. OF LOVE AND LOVERS ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse and fearing least she should neglect how sweet it was wrote in a post-script vnderneath I pray you maistresse after you haue read this letter smell to it A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter and she objecting that she was too meanly discended to be wife to so great a Lord as he He answered A more matter is loue then Lordship A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her and at last away he pranced Anon after he came that way again and did as before and so continued a good while At last he departed for good and all and being come home he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page Which the Gentlewoman accepting said vnto the page Now I pray thee my Lad thanke thy maister and tel him that I thought his euening wind would turne to water A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp was demanded by a friend of his whether he went Who answered To practise vpon a sinner in th' act of charitie Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish and it signifieth Celestiall A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina Who answered Your selfe being the Originall what would you doe with the translation Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine Two Gent. came to visit a GentlewomaÌ„ whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together one of them said Lord what a fresh house is this I haue not come in a fresher Th' other answered No marueill for it hath a Fuente in it viz. a fountaine A Gent. had stolne a faire
whether he meant to marie her yea or no He answered No For that better could he affoord her sheets then ruffes A faire yoong wife asking her vnkinde kind-husband the cause of his jealosie he answered Faiâ—h wife not in respect that I any whit distrust thy true and loyall loue towards me but because I see all the world ouer-loueth thee So that though I dare trust thee with al the world as being my most true turtle doue yet dare I not trust all the world with thee because thou art all too faire and men ouer-loue thee The Earle of Orgas was woont to say that who so submitteth himselfe to his wiues supremacie doth all one as if he fed with his feet march'd on his hands A Duke being highlie offended with his slaue wold haue hang'd him but at last aduising vpon a worser torment as hee thought said No hanging is all too easie a death I 'le marie him to a shrowe One asked an acquaintance of his whether hee were yet a married man or no he answered What an Ape clogg'd vp in a chimney corner Faith no. In a plague time a Constable passing by his neighbors house and hearing his wife sore lamming him that night hee set vp a red crosse vpon his doore whereat the neighbour the next morning highlie offended tore it down and complain'd to the the Alderman of the ward of the high injury the Constable had therein done him who being presently sent for thus he answered the matter And like your Worship his wife sore beate him yesterday and I think there cannot be a greater plague in a house then that and therfore I did it A Musition singing vnder a Gentlemans windowe The faire wife proou'd a shrewe c. The Gentleman straight arose froÌ„ out his bed and looking out at the window said vnto him The faire wife you speake of well may you goe seeke her els where for here she is not but as for the shrew she is heer a bed with me An old Gentleman had prouided a wife for the wisakre his sonne to whome he gaue in great charge during the bridall time not to speake any one word for feare the Brides friendes should happelie discouer his foolerie So all dinner time there sate the wise Gentleman silly silent God knowes not forgetting to vse his chappes more then his tongue At last the Brides friendes perceiuing such his foolish silence whispered his disgrace in one anothers eare sore beflouted him Among the rest one of them said to his next commensall Questionlesse the Bride-groome is a iollie wise yoong Gentleman see how sollomly he sits and I warrant you he thinkes vpon some waightie matter He ouer-hearing this loudlie saide vnto his father there present Sir well may I now be bolde to speake for that I see they haue now discouered mee One aduis'd his friend to choose his wife rather with his eares then with his eies A Maid was proffered to one in marriage and her friends were offended that the partie so long paus'd vpon the choise Wherunto he answered Is she foule then is she odious If fair then is she hard to keep These be the extreames I muse vpon One woonted to say that to a peaceable life in mariage it were meet the husband were deafe and the wife blind A faire woman tooke an yll-fac'd man to husband and her beauty still more and more increased A pleasant Gent. noting it said That he neuer in all his life sawe an apple in a cowshare continue so long vnrotten One vs'd to say that the best choyse of a wife is by Arethmeticke A man of worship maried a poore mans daughter and certaine his friendes questioning with his brother what portion her friendes gaue with her he answered To fast with breade and water A Bride-groome said vnto his spouse When as at such a time I sollicited thy chastity hadst thou then condiscended I should neuer haue lou'd thee after neither had we been now man and wife for I did it purposely to trie thee She answered Faith I thought as much but such a one taught mee more wit then so seuen yeares agoe A shrewd wise chid her husbande out of doores and hee stepping foorth into the street stumbled with his nose into the kennell and at rising vp againe hee said Better heer yet then within doorâ—s A man had a shrewd wife and he one day broke her head the cure whereof cost him deere expence afterward Insomuch as his wife in regard thereof saide on a time vnto her gossips Faith my husband wil not dare giue me no more broken heads in hast considering how deere he finds them in the cure Her husband hearing of such her braues sent the next day for the Surgeons and Apothecaries and in her presence paid them all their billes gaue ech of them twenty shillings ouer aboue saying Hold this sirs against the next time One vs'd to say that the father giues the portion but God the good wife Two yoong men were suters to a rich mans daughter the one was rich th' other poore and hee bestow'd her vpon the poore suter Being demaunded why he did so he answered Because the poore batcheller is wise and may repaire his liuing in time but th' other a foole and like to bring all to nought One woonted to say that the greatest pleasure a married man can haue is the hope he hath to burie his wife shortly wherby to become a new suter to an other A great personage but olde withall married a faire yoong maid in a manner perforce and against her friends good willes Wherupon one merrily descanted and said That hee married her perforce and she him sans force In Spaine it is lawfull to marrie by Attorney One besought his deare friend to marrie a faire maide in his absence to his vse affirming that they were already priuily contracted before witnesse His friend with licence of the Church first obtained did so And after the mariage ended he the Bride sate down together in a pew And hee spake neuer a worde vnto her which the neighbors marueilling at asked him why he was so strange to the Bride he answered Well haue I leaue to wed her for my friende but not to speake the first follie vnto her that 's his right and he must haue it A louing wife said vnto her husbande as shee lay a dying Deere husband you that are voide of all sinne I beseech you pray for me One ask'd a yoong Gentleman what he meant to marie so deafe a Gentlewoman he answered Because I hop'd she was also dumbe One enueighing against such as choose their wiues chiefly for beautie said That such maner of wiues after the first sixe moneths are foule to their husbands and faire to all other men Of one that had maried a foule woman with a rich portion another sâ—id that he took her meerly by waight without fashioÌ„ One Ducket a far marchant was held among his neighbors vnable in generation
his fine wife being on a time in conuersation among her gossips and talking of big husbands shee said And I for my part thanks be to God haue Ducket ynough as you all know and yet I assure yee hee is too light by two graines One asking his neighbour how old his wife was he answereâ— Her marke is not yet out One woonted to say If your wife bid you throw your self out at a window pray God that it be not far to the ground A Gardener being to be hang'd his wife came to giue him her last kisse at the gaâ—lows to whom he said Fie on thee baggage thus are wee like to thriue well at the yeares end there cannot be a meeting in all the countrey but still thou wilt bee sure to make one Home and weed home and weed with a very vengeance The Admirall of Castile said that who so takes a wife is like a souldiour that goes to the warres to oppose himselfe against all encounter One hearing a curst husband threatening his shrewd wife that vnlesse shee held her tongue hee would beate her with his dagger said vnto him If you beat her with the dagger she 'll beat you with the scabberd OF WOMEN ONe demanded of a Physition why men still sue to women women neuer to men Hee answered Because women are alwaies ready for men and men not alwaies for women One asked a Gentlewoman why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation and only women most gently yeeld vnto it She answered because women are no beasts A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countreyman to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man In th' end after manie curtesies and much a do he answered In sooth Maistresse whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a woman and his chamberpot alike neither of both but for his ease A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter then thus he answered Hold heer faire maid this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day A Gentleman comming to a marchants house the Dogge flue at him at the doore he with his dagger smit off his taile The good wife heerat was testie misus'd the Gent. in tearms Wherupon he said Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best she answered her daughters A Gent. that stood by then said Mee thinkes God hauing made you a Carrier you should loue a packneedle well A woman in anger said what I pray yee doe you doubt of my honestie No answered th' other for it neuer stood in my way A maide had swallowed a dramme too much not knowing that shee was with childe but felt a paine in her belly carried her water to a Physition complayning to him of the grief Who answered Be a good cheere wench for I 'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans honesty to his face in honest company he disdaining such her praise as proceeding from a woman of her infamie said I hope I was neuer dishonest with you that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie King Edward the fourth was woont to say that a womans greatest difficulty is to hold her peace A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman and she answered Faith sir no had I a hundred thinges you should not haue any one of theÌ„ Say you so reply'd the Gent. I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing you let a hundred vse it An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long and longing for night said vnto her gossips Now would God it were euen now night or els that I were vnmaried againe A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding together and by chance an acquaintance of his came by who saide vnto him Lord what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman I know her of olde she is too hard a match for you He answered Then a Gods name let her chyde with S. Peter S. Martin Bristoll Yorke London and not with me One vs'd to say Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde well may hee bestow her vpon her better if 25. vpon her equall if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes who were all maried in the same towne Now this stale maid their sister then hop'd that such their meting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her but it fell out otherwise For after that dinner was done the father said thus vnto them Sonnes I haue bid you all to dinner to day to th' end that euery of you resolue me where you mean to be buried when you die or whether you thinke it not best that I build a tombe for vs altogether Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe Then the eldest sonne said For my part father I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die so the rest in a row all as they thought good At last when they had all sayd the father turn'd him about to his daughter and ask'd her where she would be buried She answered Faith no where father for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so well you wot the Church allowes them no buriall at all A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin and was none being child-sicke the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay shee answered Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water My boat maistresse hath a leak just wheras you sit yet feare not a Gods name for there 's no amisse but may be amended One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie an other that stood by then answered why women are best wheÌ„ they lie One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust shee said All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband wherfore if your request be honest and reasonable goe mooue it to my husband A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd and a crooked person And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time shee said As for friendes cosen it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands we must take them as we find them A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule She