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A20073 The Owles almanacke prognosticating many strange accidents which shall happen to this kingdome of Great Britaine this yeere, 1618 : calculated as well for the meridian mirth of London, as any other part of Great Britaine : found in an Iuy-bush written in old characters / and now published in English by the painefull labours of Mr. Iocundary Merry-braines. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632.; L. L.; Merry-braines, Jocundary. 1618 (1618) STC 6515.5; ESTC S1881 45,434 66

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soppets in white broath shall drowne many a dozen I will be thought the trauellers Autidote to let his tongue play at tennis with a crust before he drinke and as good physicke as any in Galen stomachum concludere sicco to trusse vp the stomach with a drie bit Shoo-makers shall lose their predominant armour of a barrell of beere to an halfe-penny loafe and Taylors shall bee patternes and presid ents to sober men a bushell of wheat to a tankard of beere lest they cut their fingers when they are whitteld Lastly bread shall bee concluded the better nourisher and beere but a puffer bread shall shew it selfe the honest binder good loose liuers when liquour shall be knowne but a loose fellow and thus farewell M r Baker CHANDLERS FIne Ladies that set by their sents you lamp-wrights will make such a face at the sight of a tallow-Chaundler as if their holly-day ruffe were on fire fah what a grosse light is this in truth Sir Timothy it condenses the wit and stupefies the braine pray let our flames be wax and this will make the waxer shrug and say this geere will cotton one day It is like to prooue a very darke winter except Lady Luna borrow her face and you know it is hard borrowing of faces though Hypocrites might spare their counterfet ones and torches will bee another starre in the streets besides euery knocke at a poste will dash out a rib and then where dwels the Taperer Taylors shall spend searing candles beyond your thoughts by reason of the abundance of extrauagant stuffs that shall act on their shop-stage and vertuous virgins must haue a wax-candle with them to the nocturnall lectures yet verily But oh the long nights that shall deuoure you pale-bodied blazers you marrow-melting Luminists and the windy chincks that shall laue out the candle with the great wick how many theeues think you will steale into the tallow and play prodigall with the work-mans light and how many good husbands will carde it all night by the help of your faculty I would not haue you looke as if you were grinding mustard and tooke thought for the vtterance I tell you salt fish and powdred beefe will make your Querne flie about like a winde-mill in a tempest The Butcher must sell you his tallow at a reasonable rate for feare of the rats in the winter and the summer heat shall melt it off from his stall into the kennell and there 's for your buying Honest men will bee as scarse as none fingred and vnsophisticated tobacco and knaues you know must haue good store of sope to scoure their shirts or they will neuer bee cleane Many cast volumes will fall into your imployment your doing will be so great but forbeare I pray you to wrap your halfe penny wares in these leaues of mine GIRDLERS NOw you waste-circulating Girdlers you that are the best in our age for Tutors and Guardians you can keepe men in compasse better then all the counsell of Loue or the authority of Law can doe the time-trodden prouerbe will doubtlesse stretch himselfe on his startvps againe male cincti male sancti vngirt vnblest and that will make men seeke for the Girdlers blesse to auoyd some vnfortunate curse and those that be made Praecincti as Silla sayd Caesar was shall be counted shrewd vnderminers of the common-wealth Licentious and loose-liuing will be as much abandoned as may be And when a man is well girt he shall thinke himselfe farre warmer which will be as good as an Oratour to perswade men to the Cincturer great Gashimargoes shall prooue wiser then geese and who are light in the middle cause they weare no girdles and shall gird in their paunches for feare they runne about the house and fine wastes shall make much of a girdle to keepe their bodies in fashion CUTLERS NOw you Cutlers how many shauers will bee sharpe set trow yee he that claps him downe at a bord without a litle sword in his sheith may chance to rise an hungerd or be set vpon with the Gentlewoman what Sir haue you neuer a knife then cut my finger old men shall make as much of a knife as of one of their best teeth and your good Huswife shall so loue Signior Cultello she will not suffer him to be absent from her side The hie-waies will proue peremptorie and therefore a weapon will be a good Companion and the Thiefe that ruines the Countrey Ladde will let him ride like a free-man and hee but sweare and discourse to him of his irons The Souldier that lies on the bare ground ready to be congealed with cold shall thinke his side very warme if he haue the Cutler by him And he that delights in blunt mettall may cut his foremans throate with a pack-saddle BUTCHERS AN hungrie yeare you carnall Caruers I know you shall haue for the coniunction of heate and moisture in the kitchin of disgesture foretels no lesse and he that hath no stomach to his worke or not a piece of a heart to meete a man in the field shall haue as good a stomach to his prouant as a starud brislebacke to his waste or a croopeard coarser to his mil-brusd beanes Wolner that cannon of gluttony shall reuiue againe and those that liu'd by loue and feed vpon the aire shall fall to their victuals and furbish their trenchers A piece of powderd biefe will make a man as strong as a cable and a target of veale will be as good to defend a sicke body from dying as a dead crow to defend our corne from the liuing pottage that will furre the ribbes an intch thicke are meere restoratiue and the best fast-killer in a morning will be one of your marrow-bones mutton will be like a ripe medler or a false Louer rotten at the liuer but neuer pine at the spleene for it smels of the bloudpot keepe your owne counsell set a smooth face and a round face vpon it and then there is neuer a Steward that sharkes in your shambles will smell out the putrefaction The Tanners will preuent the worst and ply you with pledges aforehand for your hides but keepe not backe the hornes in any case for that 's ominous Furriers and Glouers will put mony into your hands as warme as wooll for your sheepe skinnes but for the loue of a chitteriin see you hold your beasts entrals at a cleane price and make the Tripe-wiues pay sweetly for them or I protest in the presence of an hogges countenance I le neuer feede more on them The countrey-farmers wiues will swappe with you quickly for their calues because they draw away their milke and marre their good markets And the Grasiers will send you their bigge bon'd-beeues vpon trust if you pay them largely and keepe your day truly SADLERS I shall neuer beate it into your braines you horse-rigde-cushioners what care men in generall will take
of liuing creatures for all the Cullizans in it except one which is of no great weight neither drew their pedigree from the Idea of some excellent Animal tooke his originall thus When Iupiter raigned in the skie and the frie of the gods in the Zodiacke-circle Promotheus that melancholicke Artizan casting downe from the earths seeling a compassionate eye on mankinde who at that time had no other fire than that of loue which was Cupids and that of anger which is the heat of Nemesis commiserated mans cold comfort and vowed when time serued to pull opportunitie by the nose and pleasure man with that artificious Pantechnon which in worth farre transcended that peerelesse pearle of Anthonies Lady What might moue him to divulge this treasure out of the Exchequer of heauen I know not Some thinke it was a swelling desire that possest him thinking to eternize his fame and make his name immortall by bestowing this rare gift vpon mortals Others imagine that this Promotheus was wownd into the loue and not vnlikely for your semi-Saints and Demi-deities were euer liable to Cupids archerie of a pretty Damosell that dwelt vnder the immortall Canopy in this cold Horizon which made his virgin in frostie congealing mornings looke like Vespasian as if she had beene wringing at an hard stoole and that for her sake he became so liberall to the earths inhabitants Howsoeuer whether this or that was his instigation occasion being tost in his way he bestowed this hot benefit on man imparting it first vnto Pyrotes an excellent Armorer The meanes how he came by it is not certainly knowne Some thinke that he himselfe by his deepe-searching wit first inuented the manner how to dash it out of the igniferous flint In his right hand a shiuering flint he lockes Which gainst another in his left he knockes So vp and downe that from the coldest stone At euery stroke small fiery sparkles shone Which withered Daphne with her leaues doth feede This was our fires t is thought both root and seede Others imagine he got this knowledge by comming into Mulcibers shop which stands at the foote of brimstone-bubling Aetna and secretly peeping ouer the old Farriers shoulder as he was striking fire But the most receiued opinion is that hee playd the theefe and stole it either out of Vulcans Forge as some would haue it or rather è Coelo out of Ioues treasurie as most imagine Howsoeuer he bestowed it on man flat against Ioues will pleasure who was much enraged at this his action And surely there was iust cause of Ioues displeasure for it is thought that at that time as many damnd mischiefes throngd into the world with fire as there did phantasticall fooleris with Monsieur into England Then pranked dame Paena Pecunia money and misery bagges and beggery the very heart and head of infelicitie Then came craft into the world with his Pages Synon Dautu Geta Parasitus the Fawne and goodman Doliu Doctor Deceipt who for his antiquitie might beare Armes as bigge as Charles-wayne Then came posting in on a pibald Cut Simony see money Bribery Humanisme Malice all the whelps of Acheron all the weedes of the infernall banks with pale-fac'd Incontinence and giddy-braind Intemperance the two swiftest coach-horses of hell About this very time landed Deterior Aetas the ill-fauor'd facde Beldam and calendred her selfe into the Earths Almanacke a cunning a coying and purloyning Sorceresse At whose tayle marched in most stinking Ranks all the sores mischiefes State-impostumes that couered their damned heads with Pasquills Mad-cap or else were minced boyled together in Mad-caps Gallimafry Now issued in from the Reareward Madame Vice or olde Iniquitie with a lath dagger painted according to the fashion of an old Vice in a Comedy with a head of many colours as shewing her subtlety and at her backe two Punkes that were her Chamber maides the one called Too litle the other Too much and these two had like Quick-siluer eaten the worlds Goodnesse to the heart In a left wing of this Army of Barathrum were skirmishing more sinnes then euer the Bell-man of London or Lanthorne and Candle-light did euer muster vp together For before these barrels of mischiefe were set abroach euery old man was a peece of reuerend Coyne on which the very face of Goodnesse was ingrauen and euery sprig of youth was a Lawrell branch which all the yeere long grew greene and smelt sweete of Innocencie Women were those Creatures that were fairer within than without wooing men to loue them for their vertues and not one of that name did then sound Woe-Man Maides had that title from Modestie Mariage was the Merry-age A childe playing with a Dogge the Embleme of simplicity euery mans life was his Chronicle to following times and in euery leafe was Honestie and Fidelitie in texted letters A golden Age was this yet without gold where euery Common-wealth was more if more might be than S r Thomas Moores neuer-enough praised Utopian Ioue the reputed Admirall of the Aires Ocean billowing his browes with disdaine and fury cracking a cloud at euery bended wrinkle and thumping out a thunder at euery frowne his face flashing fire and his lookes menacing stormes stood still as if mortalitie had seene Medusa stampd on the ground as if Cato had seene a swaggerer vowed with a thousand Stygian Oathes that Prometheus should repent him of his bold attempt and audacious profusion in communicating that Iouiall flame which would in time set the whole world in a combustion Forthwith flies there a Voice which summons his winged Herald Mercury to whom the fire-stealer is deliuered in charge to be conueied to Vulcan the Master of the Heauenly Ferrary or Ioues Iron workes to be chaind to the top of cold Caucasus Mercury presentlie made proclamation with an Iron voice out of his Starthreating Turret that all creatures who thought themselues endamaged by this fire-worke of Prometheus should instantly present themselues before him and wreake their balefull Ire on him at their pleasure On frosty-fronted Caucasus that colde Mountaine at Ioues command was this Prometheus lodged shackled to a stake with chaines which Unlcan had hammered out for that vnruly hell-hound the winde-throated Porter of Erebus Cerberus where to this houre he stands shiuering and shaking like a condemned Caitiffe that attends the fatall stroke to seuer his head piece from his feare-frozen carcas or like a Schoole-boy doom'd with that fatall Solue ligulas or vntrusse Euen so he stood till the sound of the writhen horne had famosed his act farre and neere with the liberty of inflicting penalties viz. how that all the world was licensed to whet the Speares of anger to spit him who like an Indian in new Spaine stood there exposed as a faire marke for any mans fury Aries the Ramme THe first Tilter that ran against him was Aries the crookedhorned winding Ram off left
a Spittle whore hot and dangerous and therefore like the Asse in the Fable that would needes bee so lusty at legges as to lend the Lyon a brace of kickes and to play at Spurne-point with him so would the Crab haue a bout with Don-fire Drake but the Asse plaid his Iades trickes when Cor-de-Lyon lay halfe dead in his belly scarce hauing one tooth in his head because Age being his Barber had pluckt all out and so Monsieur Cancro was the more hot vpon his enemy because he had him bound to the peace Or it may be he was thus sower the rather because Prometheus looked like a fisher as hee hung with a long driueling beard who was wont to scarre such crabbed companions out of their rockie and mossie dennes or else because Fishermen by helpe of that Fellons skill in fire-workes got both Anchors to hold their Peeter-boates and little hooke to choake harmelesse fishes 〈◊〉 other Engines to destroy the poore inhabitants of the Ocean Howsoeuer or whatsoeuer it was which boyled within him but Cancer crawld vp to Prometheus his linked ribbes where he fell so to pinch his stomach that all his chamber of Melancholy I meane the Milt was in a dogged sullen scuruie puffing so that the poore Scab was as splenaticke as the Capadocian bawd in Plautus Habet musca splenē quoth Ioue Cancer can be chollericke and my little Crab crawle on his belly but he will bite his enemy Leo The Lyon BVt oh on a sudden the belly-bitten thiefe yells out roares and bandies vp curses able to cracke the cloudes a sunder yelling with loude-yawning throate like a prisoner in Ludgate or the Grate-men in the begging roome of the Kings Bench common Iayle when they doe but smell the breath of foure Flanders Mares whu●…ying neere them in a Caroch all his body grew cold with feare his shoulders shooke like an aspine and his heart quaked like an halfe dead Eele vpon an hot grediron and what was it but LEO came flinging vp the hill bearing his head as high as the last foote of Horace his first song his fierytrembling maine being proudly erected and his taile retorted on his backe as chafing his ridge-bone to prouoke his courage complaining of the mans act and the fruit of his act fire and sword the one with his flame dismaies his valour the other with his lustre terrifies his prey-coueting thoughts more than the fearefull crowing of the watchfull Chanticleere Then giuing his speech a treble plaudit with three round roares he skips to the heart of the obiect and had wholly sent it into his seldomfull or neuer satisfied throat had not Ioue sent a thunder of retreit vnto him out of hand Lofty Lion said Ioue I will thee claspe thy iawes and shut the portall of that vorant graue which makes whole Townes looke pale till the nuture of my Scepter shall haue limited thy boundles sauagenes When that thou shalt espie this pilfrers hart To stacke his motion and to rest as still Then shalt thou prey vpon that resting part Till when remaine morigerat to our will Fast vnder his left arme stands this greedy Lion expecting with wide-gaping mouth the sedency and tired motion of his liues fountaine at whose fearefull vigilancie the poore heart with very thought of the terrifying beast driues it selfe with a continuall Sistell and Diastoll like the clacke of a mill or a sunne-suckt leafe chain'd to a Spiders twine yet I haue not read that before that time it euer stirr'd Virgo the Maide BVt mee thinks fuming furie should not smoke out of Virgins entrailes when they haue so many petticoats to smother it such tendrels of Venus groue should not harbour a shadow of reuenge yea but looke here where Virgo comes pacing vp the hill as fast as an Hang man vp a Ladder at the hope of a good fuite or at least as fast as her buske will giue her leaue Well to be as briefe as an Apes taile shee had no sooner got vp the hill but she begins to chide out these causes of her direfull approach to tongue-tyed Prometheus knocking her sists as the custome of shrewes is where at length her frownes vented this foame Now thou pilde pilfering knaue thou maleficious Rascall was the mumps of thy braine swolne so big that they must needes breake out into flames and bring such a smoak into the world that has infected all our yongsters breath thou hast taught men thou captiuated cur to kindle that quenchlesse fire of Tobacco oh my bodkin I le dig out his eyes In which thou hast robb'd mee of my greatest pleasure let a fresh Bachelour in his new cloths come but towards mee with intent to draw breath at my lips why I smell my youth before I come at him and if he offer me the curtesie I turne him away with a foh you smell saue reuerence of Tobacco If I walk in the streets and chance to come downe Bucklersbury oh how the whole Orbe of aire is infected with this fume which so much alters my complexion that if I should not view my visage euery houre of the day in the glasse I durst be sworne that I should not know my selfe but the worst of all is that this Prometheus smoake melts off the complexion from our coloured cheekes as fast as we lay it on I cannot forbeare the spoile of that faculty spurs me forward and forthwith sent she a red hot spit as valorously as euer Tomyris strucke off Cyrus head into the midst of his belly that you might well say that Prometheus was no Hypocrite for you might easily see into him Ioue of pitty or rather of enuy healed the wound as strengthning the offender for farther vengeance but the skarre of the wound remaines in humane portracture which wee call the Nauell Libra The Ballanced LIbra shee that followed Uirgo as fast as her apron-strings would giue her leaue came creeping through the supporters of the presse and being almost breathlesse with taking such wide strides in short language laide open her case and courted Ioue for reuenge You know attendants all the wrongs that I haue endured since the firing of the world My mistris Equity whose Embleme I am hath hid her face since fraud set vp her banners and weeps in obscure corners to see deceipt brandish the square of vpright dealing I that before was the equall hand of Iustice am now no more Libra for skales but Libra for pounds Nay further our Trades men vse me in weighing such beastly stinking stuffe and that so vniustly that I can no longer endure it Wherefore great Ioue fasten mee to this Lubbers loynes that I may euer sticke by his ribs to put him in minde of his vnequall dealing Prometheus raines being sore affrighted at the sight of such a mishapen creature like an heartlesse hound fell a running away and had not Ioue