should be the term by which I would express the employment of his whole life He never entred into friendship with any but broke immediately and that which lasted longest was with a Maid of an humor very like his own she was a Serjeants Daughter conceived in law and brought forth in contention born under so unfortunate a Planet she spent her whole life in pleading She had a general aversion for all but her interest the vanity of going fine so natural to her Sex was one of her aversions She was very temperate except when she ate or drank at the charge of others and her Chastity of which she was eminently possessed was Vertue by force because she could never agree with any body She had no Concupiscence but for other Mens Estates neither to speak the truth of her did she much envy any but those that were litigious for she had not so great satisfaction in any thing given her as in what she conquered at the Pens point She cast an envious eye on those infinite Sheets of Paper she saw tacked together in the Six Clerks Office and sometimes asked poor Clients that solicited them if they were to be sold as Horse-Coursers use to enquire after Horses that are rid to watering She was very yellow and lean with repining at her bad fortune and a second cause of this was the good fortune of others for her greatest delight was to give other people vexation and she was never so much pleased with the advantages she acquired as with the mischiefs she did Her thin and light bulk was very advantageous to such a trotting up and down as was necessary to her solicitations for she ridded more ground every day than a Foot-Post Her diligence and activity were admirable she was earlier than Aurora and apprehended walking a-nights no more than an Hobgolin Her address in cajoling Clerks and complementing their Masters was rare as well as her patience in suffering their repulses and cross humors all qualities very necessary to the perfection of one that solicites I must needs acquaint you with some tricks of her youth which gave fair hopes of what she proved afterwards Her Mother when she was with-child of her dreamt she was brought a-bed of a Harpy and it was visible in her countenance there was something of such a Monster When she lay in her Cradle instead of a Coral they gave her her Fathers Ink-Horn with which she was strangely pleased rubbing her Gums with the end of it to ease the pain of her Teeth that then began to come forth When she grew a little bigger she made Babies of green Bags and instead of spinning learned to twist Parchment for the fastening together the Sheets of Declarations Her admirable Genius for Pettifogging began more especially to appear when she went to Shool for she could read Bonds and Bills how ill soever written sooner than her Psalter though printed These excellent Endowments in time rendered her the scourge of her Neighbours and as terrible as a Countrey Attorney to Plow-jobbers I will pass by part of her life without relating many famous atchievements that I take not to be to our purpose because before her knowledge of our Heroick Censor This acquaintance was made in the busie Hall neither could it well have been made any where else there she daily solicited and Charroselles then followed a Suit against his Stationer on account of a seifure of Books in which he had satyrized some body that endeavoured to prevent their distribution Nothing is more natural to Clients than to relate their Cases to each other their acquaintance is soon made and they never want matter to hold up the conversation Collantina for that is the Name of the Pleading Damosel first of all asked his business and Charoselles immediately satisfied her by a long account of his Suit and when he had done in requital asked who was her adverse party My adverse party said she alas I have a great many How said he do you plead against a Corporation or many persons concerned in one affair Nothing less said Collantina but I have all manner of Suits against all manner of persons that I now come about contains an excellent Point of Law and deserves to be well attended to it cost me but an hundred Crowns and I have already made it worth me above an hundred Pound These last words were over-heard by a Gascoign Gentleman that was near them who swearing a great Oath cried What did you give an hundred Crowns for a Law Suit I have two you shall have for nothing That is not to be refused said the Lady however I will follow them for you and it shall go hard if I get not something by them And to give Authority to what she had said she began to tell him some of her exploits She had not advanced far when the Register came out of his Office after whom the Gascoign made haste without bidding her farewell she had also done the like but that her Story intirely took by her thoughts and taxed not the Gascoign of incivility for they which sollicite are wont thus abruptly to break off all Complements or Conversations in which they are engaged Charroselles would likewise have followed the Register but Collantina held him by the Cloak to make him hear out the Story of her Suit the subject of which was pleasant enough but the length tedious Were I one of those that feed on Romances I mean that live by the Books they write I had here an excellent occasion of enlarging the Volume and cheating the Stationer that should buy it by the sheet But not having any such design I will silently pass over this conversation and only tell you that the most complaisant Person in the world never gave a patienter Audience than Charroselles at first but when he thought himself quit he found to his no little astonishment that the Lady converted the conclusion of her Suit into a transition All this said she is nothing in comparison of another I have on a difficult Question of Custom which I will relate to you and desire your opinion I have already consulted it with three Advocates of whom the first told me I the second No and the the third He would consider I have sped better by taking the opinion of some sensible and rational person as you seem to be than of all those great Quoters of Presidents and Statutes Tickled by this little flattery he could not avoid to afford as flattering an Audience yet not without an impatient stamping and frequent interruptions but as a River whose course hath been separated by an Edifice whose foundations are laid in the middle of it as soon as rejoyned becomes more impetuous so these interruptions augmented the violent torrent of Collantina's words but at last her discourse and her Auditors patience came to an end neither did she then call to mind the advice she had desired of him but made use of the same Rhetorical
cherish her other Conquests Now it being very important for her to marry before that which it so highly concerned her to conceal discovered it self she began to be less troubled at her Neighbours indiscreet zeal in getting her a Husband in spight of her teeth by the way of Justice She therefore patiently attended the success of that affair reasoning thus That if she got the better of it she got also a Husband of which she stood in great need and if the worst she might say as was true she approved not that proceeding and that it was commenced without her consent which she thought sufficient to secure her honour Neither had she any time to consider for the Proctors precipitation having already given sufficient occasion to the world to rally and censure she must necessarily expect the conclusion Villeflattin returning at night asked her for the Promise Shame having as yet not suffered her to take any resolution she pretended she had mislaid and possibly lost it That would be very fine said he But tell me freely have no other privacies passed between you hath there been no copulation Speak boldly for this may be material to your Suit on such occasions we must not be scrupulous least we repent when our Allegations cannot be received Lucrece blushed at this with so inexpressible disorder she knew not how to make any reply and the surprize of this downright expression made her acknowledge her misfortune to which by his manner of proceeding she guessed he was not a stranger she therefore besought him to mediate with her Uncle and Aunt for her pardon Villeflattin supposed she blushed because he had too abruptly questioned her about a business of which he ought to have sought information more discreetly and without any farther pressure commended her modesty Be as wise for the future said he as you have been hitherto and leave the care of this to me In the mean time Nicodemus that knew nothing of these new accidents went that very Evening to visit his true Mistriss Javota wherewith clean Linnen and Hair curled and powdred he arrived in a Sedan very jocund turning up his Mustachio's and singing a new air He found the Mother and Daughter in the Hall imploied very Citizen-like in fitting Linnen to compleat the Packet of the Contracted Maid Their cold Reception somewhat surprized him but taking hint for his discourse from the work they were about My good Mother-in-law said he your Daughter is not a little obliged to you for questionless you work for her to which the other abruptly answered Yes Sir for her but in that you are little concerned you are extreamly confident to come any more hither after the affront you have done us but know my Daughter is young and cannot want a Husband neither will we commence a Suit in Doctors Commons to get a Son-in-law Go your wayes to your other Mistriss to whom you have promised Marriage we will not be the occasions of her dishonour Nicodemus much surprized swore he was engaged to none but her Daughter As if said she we had not wherewithal to convince him Go up Juliana and bring down the Paper on the Mantle-tree of the Chimney and then we shall see how he will look on it When it was brought Do I speak without Book said she Nicodemus almost swounded in reading it for knowing Lucrece so well he could not imagine her Pride would have condescended to sue a Husband He remembred she received the Promise rallying and without grounding any hope or design of Marriage on it and indeed she had not to that time ever mentioned it so that he thought this was not produced by her order and therefore told his Mother-in-law This is a trick put upon me by my enimies but if this be all I will to morrow bring you a Renunciation of this taken before a Notary I have nothing to do said she with Notaries nor Renunciations and will not give my Daughter to a Debauchee and Courter of the Eleven thousand Virgins I must have one that will make a good Husband and mind getting his living Nicodemus that found no great satisfaction in all this and besides impatient till he might know from whence the cause of it proceeded took his leave quickly after he was not bold enough to salute his Mistriss at parting after the manner of declared Lovers and Javota thought it sufficient to make him a silent Courtsy but as she arose she let fall a Bottom of Threed and her Cissars that lay in her lap Nicodemus cast himself headlong at her feet to take them up Javota thought it manners to stoop and prevent him and in this they both so well timed their motions that their Fore-heads knocked with such violence each retained a bump Nicodemus stark mad at such a misfortune hasted away and not taking notice of a lame Cupboard that was behind him gave it such a justle that he caused to fall from it a fair China Vessel which there being no more of them in the House was esteemed almost equal to the only Daughter This made the Mother fall to downright scolding and him to his Millions of pardons and excuses and gathering up the pieces by them to take his measures for sending such another but going apace with new shoes on a floor very well rubb'd and so as it ought to be in order to Javota's being contracted his foot slipt and he as usually in such accidents we seek help of what is next us caught hold of the Tassels of the Strings of a Looking-Glass which the weight of his body breaking Nicodemus and the Looking-Glass fell together but the Looking-Glass got greatest mischief for it was broken into a thousand pieces and Nicodemus escaped with two or three contusions not very considerable The Attorney's Wife cried out lowder than ever What have we to do with this House-breaker this universal destruction and went about to drive him away with a Broom-staffe Nicodemus strangely in disorder got to the door but being extreamly angry opened it with such violence it struck against a Theorbo a Neighbour had set against the Wall and broke it in pieces It was no small happiness to him that it was Night for otherwise the scolding of Mrs. Attorney would have raised an Hue and Cry of Boys to have followed him Well away he went alike inflamed with shame and rage and it being too late to do any thing that Night resolved in the Morning to visit Lucrece In the Morning then that he might make his Visit handsomely he called for his best Suit of Laced Linnen which was brought him the Band excepting for that was missing he sent his man to fech it at the Laundresses but she answered she had it not Nicodemus that was a good thrifty Student sought it himself amongst all his Linnen both fowl and clean and at last found as well what he sought as what he sought not but you are first to understand that this Laundress washed also for the Family
of all make Verses but what possibility is there of playing a good set at Tennice with one that alwayes strikes under Line As soon as he had brought his Mistriss to her Door with a low Curtsie she took her leave telling him she must go and look after Houshold Affairs and that her Mother would chide if she saw her talking with Men he was therefore forced to with-draw though with resolution speedily to give her a Visit But it seemed very difficult to get entrance into the House for none was received that had not business and they admitted no farther than the Attorneys study for if any came to ask for Javota the Mother immediately went to Door with What business have you with my Daughter Necessity therefore obliged Nicodemus to seek acquaintance with Vollichou Javota's Father which was not very difficult he already knowing his Person having seen him in the Court where he was Attorney and where Nicodemus sometime pleaded He went therefore to him with pretence of consulting about something that was difficult in practice and afterwards told him he should be Attorney to one of his Clients which though he performed it brought him no farther than the Study the Womens appartment being as inaccessible to him as if it had been a Seraglio he therefore beat his brains for some invention to get nearer and at last pretended he had a Warren in the Countrey from whence they sent him excellent Rabbets of which he would present Vollichou a Couple and come and eat them with him imagining that at least at Dinner he should have a sight of the Mother and Daughter he therefore caused a Couple to be bought at the Polterers but it was but Money thrown away not because they were tame Rabbets for the Attorney liked them well enough but because they got him not a sight of his Mistriss who that day dined not in publick perhaps because not drest or employed about some Houshold Affair he therefore designed yet farther and agreed with Vollichou upon a Game at Bowls which is the greatest kindness you can do an Attorney and the most powerful Adamant to draw him out of his Study This quickly made them great friends which was very much forwarded by Nicodemus his suffering him to win his Money the last Game was for a Capon to be immediately eaten at the Attorneys It was not till the fourth or fifth Capon that Nicodemus had the pleasure of seeing his Mistriss at Table with him and this lasted not long for she came not till a good while after Dinner began rose when the Cheese came folding her Napkin and carrying away her Trencher her self Neither did she speak a word during the whole Meal nor scarcely lift up her Eyes with extraordinary modesty making appear that she knew how to practise all that is to be learned in the Sententiae Pueriles Immediately after she shut her self up in a Chamber with her Mother to work on some Lace or Tapestry In a word there never was Maid with whom it was so difficult to enter into Conversation for at home she was kept very strait and abroad she never went without her Mother so that had not the accident of the Collection given her a moments liberty and to go home alone Nicodemus had never met an opportunity of accosting her His acquaintance with Vollichou was in a manner useless yet it augmented daily but to understand its foundations the better it will not be amiss to give a Character of this Attorney He was a thick short fellow beginning to be grey and of the same age with his Night-Cap he had grown old with it under a greasie and flapping Hat that had covered more Knaveries than could be contained in a hundred other Heads and under a hundred other Night-Caps for petty fogging had seized on the Corps of this little man as the Devil does on one that is possest But they were certainly much too blame that used to say the Devil would have him they ought rather to have called him Damning than Damned since he effectually either damned or undid all he had to do with whether his Clients or adverse Parties His mouth was wide no little advantage to one that gets his living by bawling and whose best quality is to have able Lungs his Eyes were penetrating and his Ear so quick it could distinguish the chinking of Ten Groats Five hundred Paces off he had a most nimble wit alwayes provided he imploied it not in what was honest None was ever more assiduous not to serve but rob his Clients He looked on other mens Estates as Cats on a Bird in a Cage when dancing about it they watch how they may lay their Paws upon it He yet sometimes seemed very generous and if he met a poor man ignorant of business would cry out aloud he would draw his Declaration gratis but before he obtained any effect of it he was sure to pay double He had a natural antipathy against the truth so that never any though to his advantage durst come near him for fear of being contradicted You may easily judge that with these rare Endowments he could not fail of becomming rich and withal infamous which caused a wit once to say very pertinently That all he had was unjustly gotten his reputation excepted This he himself would sometimes agree to but with assurance that he was very much altered and to invite Nicodemus to walk in the paths of Vertue he once told him that in the one year he had lived honestly he got more than in ten others when he played the Knave and perhaps he might truly enough say this for the Fines with which some of his Cheats had been punished cost him very dear You see here what Vollichou was who came at last to be so decryed the Hangman himself whose Attorney he had been renounced him as unworthy to serve him Judge now whether Nicodemus that was not very avaritious but extreamly amorous might not easily gain the good opinion of one so greedy he pleaded his Causes for little or nothing accepting a small yearly Stipend he presented treated and used all endeavors to gain his Friendship but one particular humor rendred them inseparable which was that Nicodemus was a great Speaker of Sentences high and lofty expressions and Vollichou no less of Proverbs and Clinches and in these applauding one another their Conversation was very divertive But although this great acquaintance began to give Nicodemus free access to the House it signified little towards entertaining Javota for as soon as he appeared she either went into another Chamber or if she stayed spoke not one word so respective she was in her Mothers presence who never was from her He was forced therefore to declare himself a Suitor that he might get opportunity to speak to her with freedom He was not a little encouraged to pretend to make her his Wife because an Attorneys Daughter is a very suitable match for an Advocate for Vollichou was rich and
discreetly it may be called a true School of Honour and Vertue and possibly a Maid that is conscious to her self of Beauty is excusable if so precious an endowment of heaven charm her heart and augment that vanity so natural to our Sex At our first frequenting the world we soon discern a certain air much more agreeable than that of persons that live obscurely It should not therefore seem strange if a young Maid that hath addresses made to her is unwilling to precipitate any thing in order to so considerable an Engagement and patiently wait till her Merit provides her some good opportunity I shall rather accuse my Cosins bad fortune and manner of his proceeding not at all guided by my advice Instead of acting the Lover a few dayes he would immediately play the Husband The good graces of a Mistriss are to be gained by Visits and Services and not entirely due to paternal respect and obedience But above all if he had perceived in her any aversion for him he ought to have avoided the shame of so solemn a refusal You have reason said Prudentius this was the Uncle I told you of when you say it is convenient that such as are to be married together have first of all some conversation that they may get some knowledge of the humors of the persons with whom they are ever after to live but have not the least appearance of it when you go about to excuse the procedure of my Niece not only in that she waited for so unseasonable a conjuncture to declare her self but because she did not intirely submit to the choice made by her Parents They know what is fit for her better than she does her self and her refusal is the more ridiculous because grounded on a fond hope that is very unlikely ever to have effect to find a Lord that will marry her for merit A Maid that makes a fortune by her Beauty is a dangerous example hundreds will grow old in expectation of the like if nothing worse happen to them and their honour escape shipwrack Many times such as seek to catch some Person of Quality are caught themselves and often with sorrow and sometimes with shame see him escape they thought fast in their Net All things considered what cause hath my Niece to complain since she hath been presented with a Party equal to her and a rich Husband of the condition of all her Relations You have hit the Nail on the head said John Bedou whom the shame of this affront and his natural bashfulness had till then kept silent for it is certain that the happiest Matches are between equals and you Mr Dean that understand Latine are acquainted with this excellent Sentence Si tu vis nubere nube pari Nothing is more blame-worthy than the ambition to raise our fortune by a Match and I cannot therefore sufficiently commend a Law established amongst the Chineses which obliges every man to be of his Fathers Calling Now although our Government comes short of the wisdom of theirs yet I admire Mrs Javota hath not regulated her desires conformably to it She is possibly in the right when she judges me unequal to her in merit and her refusal shall not take off my inclination to render her all manner of service One Obligation I am sure I have to her that she will probably prevent me from marrying while I live for I will here freely acknowledge that that which hath hitherto given me the greatest aversion for it is the many follies one is obliged to in the troublesome approaches towards it which neither suit with my condition nor Genius My intention was to have married my self after the same manner I have seen many other honest men do that think it enough to see their Mistriss in such a Pew or near such a Pillar of a Church and give her there a dumb Visit to satisfie themselves that she is neither lame nor crooked neither can this be well pretended to till all Articles of the Contract are agreed on with her Parents all other ceremonies are meerly useless I have seen many carried on in such a manner with so good success that I thought this could have had no other but since I have been deceived I will comfort my self with Seneca and Petrarch or Mr De la Serre whom I will expresly read before I sleep Let us no longer examine said Vellichou in what manner Marriages ought to be treated on because it brings the Paternal authority in question but though I cannot teach my Daughter obedience let me yet testifie my displeasure that this business is not effected with you for your Physiognomy promises good husbandry and good success at the Bar if you can get Clients I thought to have helped you to practice my self and to make this appear I have in my Study set aside the Papers belonging to a Cause I intended for you to plead one of these Mornings It is an Appeal from a Sentence given by the Provest of Vaugirard or his Lieutenant in which you may spout Latine and spew Greek and thus going on instead of making him complements and excuses which were no more than necessary to comfort him after the affront he had received he made a tedious repetition of that Cause with all matter of fact and points of Law as punctually as if he would have pleaded it himself Whilest one thus laid the Law and the other listned to him Prudentius Mrs Vollichou and Lorenca continued the discourse they had begun and the other Guests in little Cabals did the like in other places of the Hall about what had happened all to the prejudice of miserable Bedou and the occasion of breaking off his and Vollichou's Discourse was also to his prejudice for a Banquet or at least part of one brought from his house then entred An old Servant Maid that understood her Master well seeing the Treaty of Marriage broken off was very diligent to send back as much of it as possibly she could serving in only what would not keep The Banquet being ended after many City Complements some including Complaints others Repinings others Excuses and others Thanks the Company parted As for John Bedou after great variety of thoughts had agitated his Brain cooled by his Affront he resolved upon the point to render thanks to his good Angel that had preserved him from horns which he naturally apprehended especially in an occasion where the danger of having them was very imminent and did not much less regret the spending his Banquet than the losing his Mistriss Next morning betimes as well to punish Javota's disobedience as to seclude her from the world which they thought was a School of Vanity to her she was put out to board amongst certain Nuns that had lately settled themselves in one of the Suburbs of Paris neither was this done without many repriments and reproaches of her fault mixt with terrible menaces to shut her up till she grew wiser But alas this
not only to an impossibility of presenting them to the publick because the accursed Stationers refuse to print them but also of finding some one that hath the civility to hear them read in private I fear I shall at last be compelled to do like those unfortunate Lovers that recite their Adventures to Woods and Rocks and after the example of a venerable Bede preach to a heap of Stones Did I yet meet the repulses only of Criticks that approved nothing but what they write themselves it were to be borne more easily but to suffer thus from a vulgar person not capable of discerning the defects of my Works could it be supposed they had any and from whom I ought to expect the highest applauses this this is too far beyond all patience Collantina all this while read on and often interrupted our disconsolate Authors sad Meditations pushing him with her Elbow and saying Do you not admire how well my Attorney hath worded this You shall see by and by something of the contrary party and judge how short it comes She also often asked what he thought of it and he that had sworn never to commend any thing and ought himself to be commended that he would not be perjured on this occasion in the terms of a Pedant of which he had not a little the humor told her I find nothing in it nisi verba voces Collantina became a-dry with so long reading which with the heat of the weather obliged this small Pretender to Gallantry to offer her a Collation of which she accepted The Cloth was no sooner laid but the Lady began to poize the Bread in her hand and to find fault that it was not weight and threaten to have the Baker punished This difference with the thrift of him that gave the Treat caused them to fare very ill but the worst was when the reckoning came to be paid Charroselles arguing every particle with the Hoste in this he was very loud and at last seconded by Collantina who resolved to have more than her share in that dispute she her self therefore took the Counters and wrangled on every point even on those that had been already passed by Charroselles She said it was not the value of the thing that moved her but that she would not suffer such exactions and though we must believe this to be done by others out of avarice we may allow it in her only to have pleased her self by contesting But at last Charroselles became liberal by force got free of this trouble to the no little displeasure of Collantina to see him pass by so excellent an occasion of a Suit Our poor Author who got not so much as commendations for all his Charges sought many other occasions in his Visits to Collantina of reading something to her but she ever stood upon her guard not that she had any aversion for his Works but because she had so many other Papers to read that pleased her better One day amongst the rest after several unsuccessful attempts he grew so mad that he resolved to bind her and put a Gag in her Mouth to be revenged and preach to her at his leisure when a new occasion of a Suit interposed I know not what waâ— the subject of their discourse when the Lady told him Now I think on it I have a request to you and would borrow a small Piece that is in the Study of your deceased Father Do you then said Charroselles want any Books of War or Knight Errantry I have the Fortifications of Errart Friâ—â—â— de Ville and Marolois the Engines of John Battista Porta and Solomon de Caux the Treatises of Phurinel and la Colombiere by these to perswade her his Father had been a great Soldier None of these said she it is but a Paper that I want I have divers said he and some very curious all that was written during the League and against the Government Le Divorce Satirique La Ruelle mal assortie La Confession de Sonci and many other Neither any of these replied Collantina but the Copy of a certain Sentence which will be a good President in one of my Suits and as I have been told was pronounced in a Cause to which your Father was Attorney Do you speak this said Charroselles to affront me Do you not know that I am a Gentleman That I have Fiâ—â— thousand Livres a year a Coach two 〈…〉 and a Valet de Chambre and can 〈…〉 me to be the Son of an Attorney What if I should said Collantina I conceive it not any injury for I take an Attorney to be every jot as good as a Gentleman I have a hundred reasons for this one especially very decisive to the advantage of Attorneys for the richest Gentleman could never yet undo the poorest Attorney and there is no Attorney so poor but hath undon many rich Gentleman Without giving him time to interrupt her she that admirably understood the Hall and all that related to it to make appear she talked not at random named the Solicitor and Serjeants he employed the Clerks that had lived with him and Tipling House where he used to drink his Mornings Draught with so many other particulars that Charroselles convinced and confounded at this reproach knew not to what to have recourse but to his impudence and bravely maintained all to be false It seems then said Collantina I have lied and in that very instant blows on the face were reciprocally and respectively given She struck first and cried out Murther first and though she got the fewest blows complained the loudest Poor Charroselles was only on the defensive and though he was not at all restrained by respect of the Sex for he had not any either for Sex or Age the advantage was not on his side for he had not been used to cuff but bite But it was pleasant above all the rest that amongst the Neighbours that came in to part them was the Brother of Collantina that had inherited the Office of Serjeant Though he loved her very well he would not concern himself to part the Combatants who embraced each other not a jot amorously but charging those that came in to bear witness began to write what passed and the faster they fought the faster he writ Our unfortunate Author was at last fain to take to his heels all the Neighbourhood falling upon him and reducing him to as sad a condition as a Bird without feathers When the Serjeant would have sent for a Constable his Sister was very angry bidding him meddle with his business that she was well enough versed in Law to understand how to undo her adversary and that she would reserve to her self alone the honour of beginning and carrying on the action of Battery Going before a Justice she in an instant gave in whole Volumes of Informations and then was most evidently made out the saying of a certain Spanish Author That nothing grows so fast nor so much as a Crime