A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil A POEM LONDON Printed and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster 1700. THE PREFACE SINCE a Poet in a piece of Satyr like a Passionate Man in a Skirmish may by accident offend those he never designed to meddle with the Author lest People should think he has too far jested with an Edge-Tool has thought fit to declare that he had no other Intention in the following Poem than to apply it as a Carpenter does his Axe when to the hazard of its Edge he strikes at those stubborn and irregular Knots which are a discredit to the Tree and lessen the value of the Timber Or as a Surgeon handles his Lancet when he lays open a corrupt Member which is both troublesome and scandalous to the sound parts of the Body It is evident enough there is no Church in the World but what has received some Blemishes from her Priests meaning some few who for want of either Learning Prudence or Piety have been a dishonour to their Function such only I accuse and I hope should I blame Peter for denying his Master or Judas for betraying Him the rest of the Apostles would have no reason to be angry If I am condemn'd for Arraigning 'em in the Lower Regions which some of 'em have good reason to hope was prepar'd only for us Laymen I have only this to say that I am not the first that has plac'd a vicious Clergyman in the Infernal Territories for Michael Angelo the Famous Roman Painter in his Resurrection in St. Peter's Chapel had the presumption to paint a Cardinal in Hell so very like the grave Father he represented that every body knew the Picture which put the good Old Gentleman under so great a Dissatisfaction that he complain'd to the Pope and desir'd he would Command it should be rub'd out who told him he was got quite out of his Jurisdiction saying If he had been but a step on this side he could have released him from Purgatory but having not the Keys of Hell from thence there could be no Redemption The next part of my Apology is to the Learned Professors both of Law and Physick for whom as well as the Orthodox Clergy of the English Church I have a peculiar Veneration who cannot be insensible what swarms of hungry and unskilful Practicers in both Sciences there are who fraudulently prey upon the honest Labours of the Publick at such only is this Satyr pointed who support themselves basely by others Ruin and have no just Prospect for want of true Knowledge in their Business to preserve themselves from Beggary but by often bringing others into it one side plunging their Clients further into Trouble instead of helping them out and the other instead of recovering their Patients of Curable Distempers will if they be Poor thro' neglect or if Rich by delays of Cure for Interest sake be the Death of some and the undoing of others to their whole Lives Misery Therefore since it as essentially relates to the Comforts of the Life of Man to know what other People are as well as what he himself should be I thought it no Ill Task to Communicate to the World what knowledge of Mankind I have gather'd from my own Experience the Good wont hurt us 't is the Bad we must be Cautious how we deal with for which reason I have herein separated the Wicked from the Godly representing only the former to show Youth what Monsters in Humane Shape they must expect to meet with in this World tho' of the most Noble Professions Therefore my whole Design is only to make Men careful with what Priests they trust their Souls with what Lawyers their Estates and with what Physicians their Bodies And if this Part of my Undertaking succeed well and that the World is pleased with it they shall hear further from me on the same Subject for in this I had not room to half finish my Design So Farewel A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil CANTO I. WHEN Western Clouds involv'd the God of Light And all the Eastern starry Orbs look'd bright When Sots their Tavern Bacchanals begun And Thetis at a draught drank up the Sun Whilst Luna with her Silver Horns drew near To bless the Night and bear Dominion here 'T was then that I my better self my Soul Broke loose and thro' my Prison Casements stole And glad I 'd shifted off my Earthly Chains Danc'd like a flaming Vapour round the Plains I then thro' Brakes and over Whirl-Pools flew Till tir'd with only superficial view Then into Holes and Crannies did I dive Where Badger Fox and sundry Vermine live Where Moles were labouring to enlarge their Homes And buzzing Bees made Musick o'er their Combs Farther I darted thro' the porous Earth To seek that Womb whence Nature had her Birth But found the hidden Mistery far too great And for a Human Soul too intricate Causes with sundry Causes mix'd I found Each Matrix did with proper Seeds abound But why those Seeds their likeness shou'd produce Their Form preserve be still the same in use My shallow Reason neither see or knew But found each Cause did the Decrees pursue Of some Eternal Pow'r beyond dim Reasons view Thro' deeper Caverns still I forc'd my way Where useless Dregs of the old Chaos lay Involv'd in Night remote and never seen by Day Where Plagues and Pestilential Fumes were pent Till Heav'ns Decree shou'd give 'em fatal vent Where greater Serpents do the less devour And Human-like contend for Sov'reign Pow'r Where Streams thro' subteranean Channels run And fight with Winds far distant from the Sun Whose violent Shocks the World can scarce survive But trembles at the very strokes they give And where Heavens Judgments in subjection lay Ready the dreadful Trumpet to Obey And work the World's destruction at the last sad Day Thus thro' Nights deep Avenues did I pass Where all was rude as in the unform'd Mass. Thro' Death's remoter frightful Vaults I went Where ghastly Sprights their Follies past lament And in dispairing Sighs such Discord make No Soul could hear but of their Grief partake Dreading from thence their sad remove each Hour To endless Pains where Time shall be no more So the poor Thief when seiz'd for his Offence Finds his own Conscience Judge and Evidence And thus before he to the Bar shall come Dreads with sad Terror his succeeding Doom I forward press'd bemoaning of their Case Freed from my Earth Death ask'd me for no Pass But boldly shot the Adamantine Gates Without repulse unquestion'd by the Fates Who busie sate with Distaff Reel and Knife Spining and cutting Man's short Threads of Life O'er scorching Sands where fiery Seeds lay hid I Travell'd till the Avernuan Hills I spy'd High were their gloomy Heads the trodden Path as wide I ventur'd forwards till to Styx I came Which shone like humid Vapours in a flame It s poysonous
Heaven's Key How will these sable Souls admittance get From whom we ne'er obtain'd one Farthing yet Poh says the other I have beg'd of many When young I was but never got one Peny And now I 've learn'd more Wit than e'er to beg of any The Hypocrite they damn'd and set at nought Yet play'd the same thro' ev'ry Hour they taught With Eyes turn'd up as a Religious Grace They daily flatter'd Heaven to its Face And ev'ry Name of Lord they bawl'd aloud More to amuse than to instruct the Crowd When all their thoughtless Nonsence spoke beside If by the touch of common Reason try'd Was something that just nothing signify'd The Doctrine of Forgiveness would they give But injur'd once revenge it whilst they live Many commit but no Affronts would bear And when provok'd they so Contentious were That with Stiff-Necks and Hearts as hard as Rocks Rather than lose an Egg they 'd spend an Ox. Deliv'ring each poor En'my to the Jaws Of that wild Monster the devouring Laws Where Justice is too oft so dearly bought The Wrong's most cheap where Justice ne'er is sought These are the Ills for which they 're hither sent By Heav'ns Decree to receive Punishment Therefore my Lord what now remains for you Is to award such Pains as are their due The Judge arising did his Task assume And gravely standing thus pronounc'd their Doom Altho' says he in diff'rent Robes you came I find your Ills are equally the same I decree therefore you alike shall feel A Tythe of all the Punishments in Hell And as you when you did on Earth reside The Poor neglected who on Alms rely'd So shall you Mercy crave but always be deny'd They nothing had on their behalfs to say But whimper'd and by Fiends were drag'd away CANTO V. Before the next surprising Scene appear'd A noise of strange tumultuous Tongues I heard They nearer still approach'd till grown as loud As the base Murmurs of a Trait'rous Crowd Rais'd by some Statesman's Tool to perpetrate Some ill Design against a sinking State At last in view there came a wond'rous Throng Of fetter'd Convicts all upon the Tongue Each to the other did confus'dly Prate Like tat'ling Gossips in a drunken Chat Or else like Temple Students when they call To fright the crasie Bench A Hall a Hall Grave Robes and Gowns of sundry sorts they wore And many Badges of distinction bore Some old Grey-Heads with Silk and Flax adorn'd Whose wrinkled Brows as well as Toes were Corn'd By Wives too young for Sixty and too old To bribe off Loves enjoyments with their Husbands Gold Gouty and Lame these Sages limp'd along And were advanc'd the foremost in the Throng All seeming by their mercenary Looks Cunning as Foxes and as sharp as Hawks Their Palms look'd black by taking Bribes of Coin As Slaves who labour in an Indian Mine Methoughts I heard 'em cry Ne'er fear go on My Fee my Fee your bus'ness shall be done Money 's the Life the Spirit of the Laws Find me but that and never fear your Cause These were succeeded by the Clerks o'th'Court The lesser Scribes that do the greater hurt Whose woful earnest of a Ten Groats Fee Enters the Client first in Miserie Of these some Beaus and some precise in Bands With Parchment Rowls like Truncheons in their Hands Their Pockets stuff'd with Scrawls like Poet Bays For expedition some and some delays Under their Arms green Woollen Snap-sacks hung Fill'd with learn'd Instruments of Right and Wrong There follow'd next to these a spurious sort Of Pettyfogers meer Locusts of the Court Who often help the former to deceive And eat up what the bigger Vermin leave Some by their Shop-board Looks were Taylors bred But broke and on their Backs had scarce a Shred Not only in their Lives but Looks were Knaves Litigious from their Cradles to their Graves Vers'd in those Querks amongst the Scribes they saw After long Troubles did themselves withdraw From making Sutes of Cloaths to manage Suits of Law Well knowing it requires an equal Skill To make a Lawyer 's or a Taylor 's Bill Amongst this paltry Crew were Ten to One Bred up to Trades but by the Law undone And thus distress'd most equitably sought Relief from that which had their Ruin brought Or else resolv'd from being basely us'd T' abuse the Law by which they 'd been abus'd So the poor Wretch who Witchcraft has endur'd If once she claws the envious Hag she 's cur'd Some in Freeze-Coats strait Wiggs and flapping Hats Great Beards and dirty Hands like Counter Rats With Looks undaunted at their Heels a Straw Bold Teasers and Tormenters in the Law Tho' all the knavish Knowledge they had in 't Was learn'd i' th' Fryars Newgate or the Mint These in each Cause to manifest their Care Wou'd if they 're hir'd Sollicit or Forswear Stand stifly to a Point the World might see Their Clients should by them no Suff'rers be Bailiffs and Hangmen did the next appear And Goalers too were crowded in the Rear Why these were mix'd I ask'd and 't was because These were the Plagues and Periods of the Laws Whom all Mankind with equal Odium hate For Rog'ries done so despicably great These hung an Arse and crept so slow along A Devil spurr'd them forward with his Prong And at their Laziness with Rage inflam'd Cry'd move you Rogues walk faster and be damn'd A Hangman angry at the gross Affront Turn'd back his Head and answer'd him as blunt Why Rogue and please your Worship what d' ye mean I have as honest as my-Master's been I from all blame by Human Laws am freed And only finish'd what the Court decreed What if some Wretches should unjustly dye The Fault is not in me or my Imploy Those that Convicted 'em were R s not I. These tho' alike by no means could agree Or to each Brother Villain civil be The Bailiffs on the Hangmen look'd awry Each Carnifex return'd an evil Eye As threat'ning to be with 'em by and by Like signs of Terror on their Brows did sit One fear'd a Rope the other fear'd a Writ Mutual Aversions were on each entail'd From Bailiffs oft b'ing Hang'd and Hangmen Goal'd 'Twixt Fear and Hate they did each other greet As a poor Bankrupt who by chance shall meet The Creditor he 's Cozen'd in the Street Round the Infernal Court they all were haul'd The first Division to the Bar were call'd The Charge brought down from the High Court of Jove Of which they 'd all Convicted been above Silence was first proclaim'd in the Divan And Hell's Attorney-General thus began My Lord the Grave Wise Culprits at the Bar Who rais'd amongst Mankind perpetual War By some call'd Lawyers and by some Be-knav'd Who by sly Querks the Upper-World enslav'd Subtle as Foxes who with Tongues not Claws Dug themselves Holes and burrow'd in the Laws Skill'd to unravel Justice but instead A hundred Wrongs to one just Act they did Till by ill use so mercenary grown
that Account as the Lady did for burning her Bed upon another which affording something of a Jest I 'll proceed to the Story In the Times of Confusion when the Sword had cut down the Scepter Purity knock'd down the Church and a High Court of Justice had destroy'd both Law and Equity there happen'd then to be a very Devout Lady who number'd her self amongst the prevailing Saints and would not suffer any thing that had been polluted to harbour under her Roof the more to strengthen her in her Religious Exercises and Heavenly Meditations she kept a thumping lusty Precisian in her House which she call'd her Chaplain who was always wonderful busie in watching the Lambs of Grace in the Family ' that they might not Err and Stray like lost Sheep and at last happen'd by his vigilance to discover a Man-Servant and a Maid-Servant upon a Bed together in very close Conjunction and running presently to the Good Lady brought her to the Key-hole of the Door to be an Eye-witness of the Matter who seeing such an abomination committed in her House call'd out to 'em with all impatience to open the Door and for a Couple of unsanctified Wretches to depart her House which she fear'd would fall under some heavy Judgment for so vile a Transgression their business being done in Obedience to their Lady's Commands they drew the Bolt and the enrag'd good Gentlewoman with the assistance of her Holy Servant turn'd 'em out into the Street by Head and Shoulders which being done they consulted together how they should punish the defiled Bed for assisting them in their Wickedness at last concluded it should be burnt which was done accordingly who should come by when the sinful Utensils were in Flames but the Fellow who had been the Transgressor and being inform'd what the Fire was made on Egad says he they might as well have burnt all the Beds in the House and most of the Chairs to boot for there are none of the one and very few of the other but what to my Knowledge have been privy to the same business I only give this Story as an Instance of the unaccountable Folly and blindness of some Folks Zeal for if every Bed was to be burnt that has been thus polluted and every Book to be supprest that has Hell or the Devil's Name in it our Libraries would be very thin and our Houses but indifferently Furnish'd besides as to the latter the drift of the whole Poem being to detect and scourge the Frauds and Wickedness of Men. I say they may as well Censure most Sermons preach'd in the Nation wherein the same Bugbear Words are us'd with a good Intention But however because such Persons should not be Offended I have in this Part put Hell with a dash and supplied the place of the Devil with an c. which Method to please 'em I shall continue in all the succeeding Parts which God willing I intend to carry on as long as the World shall give Encouragement Farewel A Journey c. PART II. IN the Court's absence hot Disputes arose Betwixt the Doctors and their Dogst d Foes No Blows they had but every warm Debate Did in abusive Language terminate Quack Emp'rick Clyster-giver Fool and Knave Close-stool-Promoter Buttock-peeping Slave Physician 's Vassal * Apothecaries originally Servants to Physicians kept at first to Trot With Vomit Vial Purge and Gally-Pot To pick our Drugs and Herbs and what is worse To bear the Teaze of ev'ry tatt'ling Nurse Drudge to the Pestle and a Charcoal Fire Only maintain'd to save a Porter's Hire And now to thus audaciously presume To prescribe Physick in a Doctor 's room When you no more of Theory understand Than Monsters in the Ocean do of Land Whence sprang this unaccountable advance But from base Impudence and Ignorance Whence can you boast your Knowledge lest you own By study of your Files you 're Learned grown And if you do 't is but a weak defence For none but Quacks from Recipes Commence If from Prescriptions you could once attain To be a competent Physician Read Usher's Sermons where the Gospel shines And you as well may make your selves Divines How will ye find by an old musty Bill New Patients Constitutions when they 're Ill Or if unlearn'd in Physick's crabbed Laws How the Distemper judge or guess the Cause No your pretended Skill's a dangerous Cheat To bubble those who want both Health and Wit If an old File can such Instructions give As teach you how to make the Dying Live How far must we Excel what Wonders do Who gave at first those Recipes to you This Scourge made all the Crabs-Eye Crew run mad Who answer'd 'em in Language full as bad They hum'd and buz'd about like angry Bees And look'd as poys'nous as Cantharides Vex'd at the two-edg'd Sayings of the Bard Thus they began spoke loud and wou'd be heard Cast on your selves but an impartial Eye Look round your ill-compos'd Society And you as empty Dunces there may find Quite deaf to Learning and to Reason blind As e'er swept Shop or did a Counter wipe Or ty'd a Bladder to a Clyster-Pipe Some Hogan Mogan Quacks first Taylors bred And from the Shop-board were Physicians made By old Receits of others not their own Grow famous Curers of the Gout or Stone Why may not we Prescribe as well as these Who ne'er read Galen or Hippocrates Or any part of Physick's System know Beyond what our Dispensatories show Others of Oxford may or Cambridge boast Who had a Twelve-month's standing there at most Where what he learn'd at School he not improv'd but lost Whose wand'ring Thoughts no Study could entice But is expell'd for Negligence or Vice And thus the Rake fall'n short of a Degree Chaplain or Curate he despairs to be At last Physician turns thro' meer Necessitie When thus resolv'd he does to Holland go Where Quacks and Mountebanks like Mushromes grow Spring up as fast a Recipe's their rise And thus they 're made Physicians in a trice But he more learn'd in School-Boy Rules repairs To Leyden where he 's taught to stand the Bears There spends Six Months and at a small expence Does two or three Degrees at once Commence Then Home he comes and does admittance gain Amongst the grave old Bards in Warwick-Lane Adorns his Copy'd Prescripts well as they With the learn'd Capitals M. F. S. A. A Pill made publick is his main support Which he takes care does neither good nor hurt Fam'd for som wond'rous Cure at som strang Prince'sCourt He 's always hasty trots a Coach-Horse pace And bears the Title Doctor with a Grace Furnish'd with Terms he can the Patient pose And runs at all tho' nothing truly knows Undertakes desp'rate Cures for weighty Summs Coz'ning the Patient wheresoe'er he comes Why may not we to make up Med'cines bred The same Admin'ster and as well succeed As this unskilful interloping Crew Ign'rant of Physick nay and Med'cine too The Learn'd but