CVPIDS Whirligig As it hath bene sundry times Acted by the Children of the Kings Majesties Reuels LONDON Imprinted by E. Allde and are to bee solde by Arthur Iohnson at the signe of the white Horse nere the great North doore of Saint Paules Church 1607 The Actors names The Olde Lord Nonsuch Alderman Venter A Marchant Sir Timothy Troublesome a iealious Knight The Lady Troublesome The iealious Knights wife Maister Correction The Pedant Mistris Correction The Midwife Peg The Ladie Troublesomes Kinswoman Nan Old Venters Daughter Nucome The Welch Courtier Boy Nucomes Page The foure Schollers The young Lord Nonsuch a Begging Soldier Slacke a swaggering captaine Maister Exhibition The Ins-a-court man To his much honoured beloued respected and iudiciall friend Maister Robert Hayman SIR I must needs discharge two Epistles vpō you the one the Readers that should be like haile shot that scatters and strikes a multitude the other dedicatory like a bullet that aimes onely at your selfe if either doe strike you it shal bee at your choice whether I shall hit you in the head to let you vnderstand my meaning or in the heart to make you conceiue my loue yet I must confesse I had rather expresse my loue out of the flint then my meaning in any part of the shot I aime at you rather then the Reader because since our trauailes I haue bene pregnant with desire to bring foorth something whereunto you may be witnesse and now being brought a bed if you please to bee Godfather I doubt not but this childe shal be wel maintained seeing hee cannot liue aboue an houre with you and therefore shall intreat you when he is dead he may be buried deepe enough in your good opinion and he shall deserue this Epitaph Heere lies the Childe who was borne in mirth against the strict rules of all Childe-birth and to be quit I gaue him to my friend Who laught him to death and that was his end Yours while he is his owne E S The Prologue OVr Authors Pen loues not to swim in blood He dips no Inke from out blacke Acheron Nor suckes inuention from the depth of hell Nor crosseth Seas to get a forraine plot He taxes no Goddesses for foulest lust Nor doth disclose the secret scapes of Ioue He rips not vp the horred maw of hell To shew foule treasons hideous ouglie face Nor doth he touch the falles of mightie Kings No antient Historie no Shepheards loue No states-mans life no power of death he showes He onely striues with mirth to please each one Since laughter is peculiar vnto man and being sure freelie to speake can be no sinne If honest wordes haue honest consturing Therefore to flie the least cause of offence He onely findes but words you finde the sence Wherfore if ought vnto your eare taste tart Thank but your selues which good to ill conuert Yet this he ought hath stricktly charg'd me say That hee 's a slaue and of a base condition That doth but draw it to suspition That heere he priuately taxeth any man Since all the world yeeldes vice to play vppon What he intends action shall make you knowe I should fore-stall the play should I but showe CVPIDS Whirligig The Scene in London Enter Cupid VVIth feathered speede I pierc'd the Ayre The cloudes a sunder I did teare And thus with winges and bowe come I Newlie from Ioues hye Court in skie My mother kis'd me at our parting But did charge me leaue my darting And with a strict commaund did say Boy on a Whirligig goe play But such a round I le make him runne As he shall end where first begunne My scourg-stickes shall be made of Darts Fethered with sighes of Louers hearts Which made them flie with swiftest flight As lightning in tempestious night My scourge it selfe are golden tresses More ritcher far then chaines of Esses With which I le make some daunce a Iigge More rounder yet then ere did Gig. But time doth call me to be gone Yet first to all you lookers on Before I part I thus much tell That Gods can goe invisibell And though you do not all times eye me Yet know at all times I am by yee And be assur'd and doe not thinke But that you stand full nere the brinke Of my displeasure which if ye winne In loue I le make ye sinke or swimme Thus farwell all sit patient yet a while Least Cupid make your selues your selues beguile Enter the old Lord Nonsuch Alderman Venter Sir Timothy Troublesome Venter MY Lord you know your selfe and I haue long liu'd friends and shal we now with firme affection knit tie fast our friendship in our Of-springs loue conuey our cares in one our goods together and our loues in them and whiles the remnant of our aged daies doe last le ts do'ff all discontents cast by the worldes incombers and leaue the carefull burthen of keeping that was care enough to get vppon the youthfull hope of their more able strength Old Lord O Neighbour Venter doe you not knowe that to marrie a Childe is but to marre a man for hee that cuts a tender twig in springing both marres his length and spoiles his growing my sonne shall first see twentie yeares of age before my condesent shal once be giuen to make him father of a sonne Besides your daughter yet is very yong and though in Womens sex 't is alwaies seene desire to mariage rides alwaies in post yet in their Inne repentance is their host the fault of this is alwaies knowne to be through foolish husbands or such as are to young for Children to their wiues are like fruite halfe ripe they yeeld no taste nor giue no sweete delight Enter the young Lord Ven. Beholde heere comes my young Lord the verye modell of your selfe the Vigor of your youth and strength of all your future hopes Old Lord And hee is welcome what suddaine gust my Sonne in hast hath blowne thee hither and made thee leaue the Court where so many earth-treading starres adornes the sky of state or as the summers speckled flowry garment is spread about the seate of Maiestie what is the reason thou hast left this earthly Paradice to visite vs before our expectation Young Lord My loue deare Father to your faire wife hath made my houres of absence from this place seeme teadious yeares I could not but returne from whence I came as like to man the which of clay was framde at first did walke a while vpon the earth but in the end return'd to dust or like a Riuer which through the earth doth drawe his life and spring from out the sea Thus I that from you sprung haue runne my course awhile but now as to my sea returne to you againe Old Lord Thy answere with thy wisdome hath inrich'd thy welcome deare friendes I pray you set your handes to this my deed Exit olde Lord Ven. I doe my Lord with all deuoted loue Exit Ven. Kni. And I which hate my wife his mistris his welcome home
I le take my leaue of you till your occasion shall neede my presence Kni. Fare ye well sir I hope that shall be neuer but haue not I spun a faire thred thinke you to be a verry Baude an arrant wittall to giue them oportunitie put them together Nay holde the dore the whil'st this is my wiues plot by which I haue saild to Cuckolds hauen yet my saile was but a smocke which shee her selfe hoist vp alas alas Gentlemen doe you not knowe the Philosopher saith this world is but a stage hodie mihi cras tibi my part to day it may be some of yours to morrowe why t is but matrimoniall chance wee that are Cuckolds should be wissest men for no men else doe knowe their endes but wee knowe ours for we are forked at both O thou powerfull and celestiall Ioue strike downe from heauen some congealed boltes of thunder that it may pierce the wombe of earth and through it send thy lightning flames to make hell hotter then it is or with Egiptian dampes and rotten iawes renouate thy eating plague of life dissolue nature consume earth destroy hell and dambe woman I beseech thee into a deeper dungeon then the Deuill They fill men with diseases and giue the wane-eyde Sunne of Heauen cause to smile to see our paines shall the gaping of graues the scritching of Ghostes and cries of damned soules yet longer bee defer'd shall time incorporate with sinne and beget more mischiefe shall hell bee better furnished with women then with Deuils infernall Lucifer will muster vp his female soules against thy dietie vnlesse thou doe abridge the course of sinne by cutting off the increase of women and then wee shall haue no more cuckolds Come ye hether wife come ye hether pra'y tell me one thing true Enter Lady Lady True why husband I le lye for no mans pleasure Kni: Yes for his pleasure that is gone La. For his pleasure why for his pleasure Kni. Because you are a Puncke wife a puncke La. Now Ioue blesse me Kni: You are a Cockatrice wife a cockatrice La. Now heauens defend me Kni: You are a whore wife a whore La. Sir the man is mad Kni: I horne mad ah thou vile perfidious detestable lasciuious vnsatiable Luxurious and abhominable strumpet was it not enough to be an Acteon a cornuto a cuckolde but to make mee a Baude a Pimpe a Pander La. What Pimpe what Pander Kni: What Pimpe what Pander why was not this the Lord Nonsuch did I not see his chaine nay prethee say t wa's not he nay sweare it too ouer shooes ouer bootes since yee haue waded to the bellie in sinne nay now goe deeper euen to the breast and heart La. Pra'y heare me husband Kni, What vile excuses canst make how canst thou hide thy lust wouldst wrap thy sinne in periurie to muffell vp thy villany La. Nay good Husband for pittie sake hear me Kni. Talk not of pittie pittie is deafe and cannot heare the poore mans crie much lesse a strumpets La. For charitie heare me Kni. Charity is frosen and benumb'd with colde it cannot helpe thee doost kneele doost kneele to the heauen 's not to me yet they looke thy heart should stoope and not the knee Doost weepe dost Rise rise thou stumpet go out of my sight in in Lor. I goe Yet this my comfort in the gall of life Suspition neuer wrong'd a truer wife Exit Lord Enter Wages Kni. Hoe Wages Wag. Heere sir Kni. Come heather Wages my olde resolution is come on me againe and it shall make me doe much for I will geld my selfe VVag. Alasse sir that 's the onely way to make you doe little Kni. Therefore goe fetch me the Opperator Wag. What 's he sir Kn. The stone-Cutter Wag O you meane the Sow-gelder Kni. O he 's an excellent fellow he takes away the cause of a mans beastlie desires Wag. I and of their manly performance too Kni. He makes a man not care a rush for a woman Wag. No nor a Woman care a strawe for a man Kni. Doth not such a fellow deserue commendations Wa. Yes as a hangman doth for cutting off the traitors that makes the flesh rebell Kni: Wages I doe now more doubt my wiues honestie then euer therefore I le make him the touchstone of her reputation Wag. Faith sir ye might get easier touchstones then hee a great deale there 's many a Goldsmithes wife in Cheape-side could helpe you to a better Kni. He deserue's much praise Wag. I as your cockatrice doth for the dismembring of men Kni. If she be a punckit I le not be diuorc'd Wag. Why should ye why ye cannot keepe more Gentlemanlike company besides your puncke is like your pollitition for they both consume themselues for the commō people And your punck of the two is the better member for she like a candell to light others's burnes hir selfe Kni. Well wages come follow me for I am resoul'd to trie my wiues honestie Exeunt Omnes Finis Act. second Actus Ter. scena prima Enter young Nonsuch like a begging Soldier Young Lord Venus lay where Mars had found her And in warlike armes he bound her Cupid cride and Vulcane spide And thereon threw the Sciclops But his horne begatte his scorne With all the little Gods mockes Now some honest Gentleman passe by that I might sell him the maiden-head of my occupation for a halfe penny masse heere a comes a shall ha 't ye faith Enter Nucome Worshipfull Gentleman looke with your eye and pitty with your hert the distresse of a martiall mā I haue bene a man in my daies and acquainted with better fortunes then I now see time hath beene I haue borne armes but now one's gone and I can no longer write Gentleman wherfore if you please to bestowe but one poore thistle of your bountie to pricke the blister of my pouertie it would set my slender fortunes a flote where they now lie beating on the goodwins of famine I am none of these Ludgations that beg for fourescore and ten poore men my suite is only for my selfe Nuc. Whome hast thou serued friend Lor. First I seru'd in Ireland then in Holland Braband Zealand Gelderland Friesland and most of the seauenteen Prouinces I was at the siedge of Bargon vp sone carryed a pike at the entrance of Sluce and was hurt in the groine entring the breche Nue: Who was thy Captaine Lor. I serued vnder the commaund of Captaine pipe Nue: Who captaine Gregorie Pipe Lor. No sir Captaine Tobacco Pipe Nue. O I know him well indeede hee is on the English nation hath much imploiments Lor. I can assure your worship sir I haue seene him in very hot seruice and when some of vs his followers haue smok'd for 't too wherefore I beseech you sir bestowe something on me for the knowledge you had of my good Captaine Nue. Go to sirra I feare ye are a counterfeite Rogue Lor. How Rogue sir though none of fortunes fauourites nor great mens minions yet