those Saints died there were people exhorted to doe the like Rust. But I mislike the very ground and cause of those holydaies which you say is suffring death willingly Doe not we die fast enough thinke you against our wils but we must set vp a trade of dying with a good will Acu. Thou speakest against reason For if thou must needs dye first or last wert not better to die for a glorious cause so to be sure of heauen willingly in perfect memory then against thy will wrestling with death overcome in the end with great paine and perhaps past thy sences Rust. Reason me no reasons I speake as I thinke I protest from my heart I had rather doe any worke in the world then dye What never come home againe to my wife and my pretie barnes Why I haue a boy his name is Iacke hee has a face as welfavor'd as any great turnippe root with a cracke in the mid'st which is the very proportion of his mouth I will not willingly leaue that boy for all the deaths in the world No I will not But if I must needs dye whether I will or no I wood haue death take mee asleepe that I may not see his face for if I did I would run away as hard as ever I could for my life Hor. Mr Acuto talke with me hee speakes like a foole I haue more wit then twentie such loggerheads Rust. Nay then I haue more wit then thou canst get for I can make my horses turne vp the ground and thou must doe it with thy hands and feet else thou canst earne no mony Come neighbour Vulcano we two wise men will leaue these two to play the fooles here vntill our â—urne come againe Exeunt Rust. Vul. Hor. Now Acuto let vs two conclude what shall become of these holydaies and as we agree I warrant it shall goe And thou hast almost perswaded me to let them stand But let vs goe and read a booke I haue at home of the liues of Saints to furnish vs with stronger reasons against our next encounter with these Dunces and then wee will end this controversie Exeunt Secu. How thinke you by this S. Hermito would you haue imagined that such plaine fellowes as these be should call a businesse of this nature in question By this you may may gesse what stirring heads we haue to deale withall and how easie a matter to keepe them in order Her It is somewhat strange And the more vnlearned the men are the harder to be satisfied But he hope is that as mad men doe best service when some of their like are most vnruly so these men being alike vnskilfull will soone confound each other and so giue over the businesse ACT. II. SCEN. II. Enter Antonio at one dore Proberio and Simplo at another It is not vnknowne to mee that very many doe censure my deeds as wicked and not beseeming a Christian But this is the iniquitie of the time because they doe not distinguish between persons and seasons For my actions being not ordinary are not to be iudged by ordinary but refined wits For now your downe right dealing is exploded as too subiect to every meane capacitie Pro. Yonder is thy master that shal be Simplo thou shalt lose no time wee le to him sodainely Segnieur Antonio All haile to your person Here is a man desires to serue you to be your pupill to imitate your actions so neere as his vessell can hold the print And he will doe well For hee is made all of wax very pliant emptie of all thing but a little mony and a tenement or two of land lying next your freehold on the south side worth 10l per annum Ant. He is welcome Haue you giuen him any principles such as you knowe are necessarie and is he docible Pro. He is ready for your hand Sir I will not commit such an errour knowing you as I doe but lay the foundation You may worke vpon him as you list I warrant you Simp. Sir I hope you shall finde me diligent and according to your heart Ant. Thou hast a good sterne countenance I like thee well if thy minde be as vntoward it will be sutable Simp. I warrant you Sir no man shall get any thing of me but I will knowe how he comes by it except your selfe whom I will trust withall I haue Deale with mee as you please Ant. I thanke you Nay if I deale not well with you I wish no man should deale ill with me I heare you haue land lying neere me I would haue you bee a good husband and keepe it Let me lay vp your writings safe least some deceaue you of them Simp. That you shall Sir here they be They shall be in pawne to you for my good behaviour for I thinke no man will giue his word for me Ant. Thou art the fittest man for mee that ever I met withall nor any man I thinke will vndertake I shall bee a good master to thee Simp. T is no matter sir I will stand to your gentlenesse Ant. Well said and I le even deale with thee thereafter Exeunt Ant. and Simp. Pro. Thou hast a seruice a dog would not haue it except his taile were already so short cut to his breech that no more could be spared I warrant thou turne seene the last of thy writings They will pull thy land after them And that 's but law Transit terra cum onere Exit Pro. Enter Hortano and Acuto Is it true that you told me Acuto at our last parle here that there were such valiant people in times past that willingly and cheerefully went to their death when they might haue inioyed life longer Acu. There is no question of it except wee should discredit all Historiographers who make honorable mention of them iâ— all ages before vs And in our owne time and memory there haue beene many such men Hort. I protest it is a wonderfull courage these people haue and in mine opinion farre beyond the stoutnes of the souldiers For they goe to kill and contend not meaning to dye which only they strive against and avoid by all meanes they can and provide aboue all things to bee well arm'd for safetie of life But the martyr with not resisting conquers death and feares not that which is feared and shunned of all others Therefore I thinke them worthie of great honour and perpetuall memorie But who are they say you that giue testimonie of them me thoght it was a very fine word Acu. They be Historiographers Hor. O Histornoggerfers a braue word I le make a knot of these letters Acu. No Historiographers man Hor. Now I haue it Histriagerfers Acu. Not so neither you must marke wel pronouÌ„ce it iust as I doe Hor. That I will be sure to doe Acu. Thus then Hi-sto-ri Hor. Stay there Now gape he gapes Hortano looks in his mouth le ts tell how many teeth ha you 22. hough whoo 's within there
at your hands if your spirit coÌ„sent that is that I may call your son Iacke my boy for my credit sake And that he may know no other but he is mine and then shall I be quiet in minde and thinke you deale verie iustlie and liberallie with me La. With all my heart And I professe vnto you that hee shall neuer know otherwise by me but I doubt his generous spirit will not suffer him after a few yeares of discretion to tarrie long in that errour but that he will heroicallie disdaine to haue you otherwise accompted of then his reputed father and that he is rather the sonne of some zealous brother who neuer sees the Relikes of Charing-crosse but wisheth hee were on horse-backe with a launce in his hand in full speed to beare it downe And yet his mother extreame honest for all this Rust. All this I stedfastlie beleeue And I am afraide my owne weakenes wil be the first discoverer and pleade not guiltie to getting of such a sonne Nevertheles good wife I cannot chuse but thanke you much for your kindnes that he shal be called my sonne that men may thinke so noblie yet of me to doe such a deed And for you wife I will sweare you are a verie honest woman for all this La. No husband You shall not sweare so rashlie I thanke you as much as though you did Your faith shall saue you without swearing Exit Lamia Rust. Was ever man more blessed with a wife then I am Then he holds his hands before his face fals to a silent meditation a prery while at last fetching a great sigh hee saith The Lord make me thankfull Then he hides his face with his hands againe and so standeth a while sighing and sobbing untill Hortano shake him by the arme saying Hor. How now Rustico what wilt thou doe kill thy selfe with this same foolish zeale plucke vp a good heart and liue to see thy boy a man Rust. A man He is a man already at sixe yeares age by his great stomacke and I thinke in my conscience I am not halfe his father But I beshrew you for troubling mee you haue done you know not what for I was euen melting into â— martir Hor. A martir How canst thou be a martir Rust. O yes and I shall die so patiently that I dare not call for a posset how sicke soever I be for feare of sinning till the very point of death And now I begin to be hart-sick Hor. If you find your selfe so sicke indeed I wish you to make your will and dispose of your estate Rust. How make my will that 's the next way to die in earnest Hor. Not a whit neerer death for that Rust. O yes A will and a toling bell are as present death as Gods tokens No I le none of that Hor. Let me perswade you neighbour Rustico to make your will I assure you it is superstition to thinke death to be nerer you for that cause Rust. Superstition The Lord defend me I had rather not â—o obserue order in anie thing then to be thought superstitious I agree to you neighbour and thank you for your gentle perswasion I will presently doe it while I am in perfect memory â— First for my soule I will not bequeath it to God but let it goe even as it is predestinated 2 My body may be buried if my executor wil pay for it or else let it alone and be patient as I was when I liued 3 At my buriall I desire my wife to preach and no body to heare her but my sweet boy Iacke and I 4 Fortie shillings I giue to any man that shall put me into the booke of Martires 5 My wit such like moueables I leaue as an heireloome to my sonne Iacke then lifting his eies vpward vpon whom my desire is that the firmament may powre downe as many ioyfull lots as there are heares vpon his fingers ends that his seed may multiplie like mice in a maltheape 6 All my breeches I bestow vpon my beloued wife 7 My land if any be giuen me after my death I freely bestow vpon him that shall marrie her to amend his bargaine 8 The rest of my goods and chattles which cannot bee found I will shall be equally devided at my executors discretion among the poore of the parish wheresoeuer I shal die 9 And of this my last will and testament I make the longest siuer in London my sole executor because I will haue no fighting nor suits in law for my goods 10 And you neighbour Hortano I make overseer of this my will and for your paines to be taken therein I giue you all that shall be overplus after execution of the same Now my sight failes Lead me lead mee good neighbour home and to bed and so farwell and good night Exeunt ACT. IIII SCENA III Intrant Antonio Noverindo Proberio Here is more worke for vs Noverindo and wee will not worke for simple fees though foedum simplex bee a good tenure a frend of mine wants 2000l and I must haue it for him within these two daies or he seekes elsewhere Nov. In anie case hold him in let him not scape hee shall pay for his expedition I le about it and I le haue it for you within 24 houres or I le giue you my head hee goes forward a little and suddenly steps backe saying I had almost forgot a matter of waight you are intreated by the whole companie of our sort that some order may bee taken to checke the sawcinesse of divers meane persons that enquire for monies to be taken vp They make no more adoe but with hats on their heads aske the question thus haue you 100l to lend vpon good securitie what a malepertnes and abuse is this Of my honestie Sir what a villain was I to sweare so deeplie there be manie knights and some Lords that haue not alwaies 100l to lend vpon an instant And then what reason is there that we which haue it at all houres should be so sleÌ„derly regarded Anto. You saie well Noverindo I wish it to be redressed but what would the companie haue me to doe Nov. This Sir you are acquainted at Court they intreat that you would vse your frends to get a grant vnder the broad seale whatsoeuer it cost that we may erect an office with a master and clarks belonging to it to the ende that everie one which wants monie may repaire thither and vpon request to the vnder clarks speake with the master of the office and thence take directions how to proceed and so obtaine monie This will make them knowe themselues and yeeld dutie to them that it appertaines when they shall come by degrees to the worth of monie Anto. This I like well but it will be a great charge to maintaine master and clarkes in an office so shall wee loose much out of our gaine Nov. Sir you mistake it quite The companie hath argued that case to and fro
4. Intrat Insatiato Infaelicto Sirra haue you found Parvagracâ—â— when will he come Infâ—. To tell you the naked truth Sir I haue beene asleep till I heard you call for your golasshes for I was so hungrie that if I had not slept I had committed Burglary somewhere to get victuals Now I le finde him out â—ee steps forwards and turnes againe saying but I pray you Sir remember to giue mee my two shillings you promised mee for bringing newes of your dinner Now you shall haue monie I speake before it bee gone Insa. Yes and before it be come why dost thou tarrie the Scrivener will thinke vs long and a worse matter perhaps wee shall giue them too much time to enquire of our states Infae. I can soone haue him if all other things were readie you know where you left him at the Ladies where you both dined He said he would follow you I marvaile hee is so long But I warrant they are vp to the noses in the new booke de flatibus It is best for me to know if the bonds bee readie before I fetch him lest he be angrie to leaue the Ladies companie before neede require Intrat Parvagracio But looke where he is come alone without carying Sir you sau'd me a labour I was sent for you Can you smell out good bargaines you come without calling When thrift is in the market you are ever in the way Par. What good bargaine cracke is toward me Infae. My Master shall haue monie and you must bee bound with him Par. Is that a good bargaine wagge well I haue such an other a-bruing for your Master to bee bound with mee but where is he Infae. Heere at hand Now to the scrivener and broker goe I Exit Par. I am glad to heare of your good furniture toward and I come to prostrate my seale and service at your worthy feete Insati. Sir with all complements for such kinde loue I receiue your readines And doe reciprocally promise to be euer at your becke Intrat Infaelicto Infae. Sir the bonds be readie for the seale I haue seene the commoditie of ragges and I like them well They never dustie you except they be stirr'd But they are foule and heavy I wood we had sold them by gold smiths weight for so much in silver I did see a fellow lift a bundle of them vp to a carre and he grunted hard he made me remember my Ladies booke de flatibus For I look'd euer when hee would haue let flye Insa. Well le ts goe seale the bonds and lose no time ACT. 7. SCEN. I. Intrat Levitia cum Pedisequa her periwigs of dogges hairâ— white and a yellow band about her necke a glasse and powder of an old post in a boxe or paper And is very busie in trimming her selfe and casting dust vpon her head vntill her time come to speake Insatiato goes on staring But what haue wee heere I le see this sight for all the haste Par. Why t is a woman Dost not see what it is Insa. A woman t is not a woman The head is a dog t is a maremaide halfe a dog halfe a woman Par. No t is but the haire of a dog in fashion pul'd from these Island dogges Insa. In fashion there 's a fashion for a foole What 's that she casts vpon her head Par. That 's the powder of a rotten post Insa. A tale of a tub the powder of a pudding will you make me beleeue that Par. Doest thou thinke it so strange vpon my credite I know some are spoken to for providing such powder by Ladies I am in earnest I assure you t is verie common Insa. I thinke they be common indeed that bee dress'd with dust he goes prying on both sides of her saying not â— dog say you the head is a dog The chiefest part is a dog well say what you will you shall never make mee beleeue but it is either a dog or a dogged woman Par. Be she what she will in conditions I warrant thee t is a woman in sexe or never trust my iudgement againe Insa. What 's that about her neck a pancake or a tanzie Par. T is a band yellow starch'd how canst thou thinke it to be a tanzie Insa. Because it lookes so yellow Marie it is not so wel I wish it were for then I would eat it vp for I haue not halfe din'd Par. No t were pitie to devoure her me thinks t is a very pretie creature Insa. Dost thou like her so well I le goe wooe her shee has no impediment but I may marie her may I not Par. Not that I knowe except she be honest Insa. Is that an impediment nay the honester the better I le to her instantlie I see no reason but I may fall in loue with her on the suddaine And happie is that wooing that is not long in doing but stay are you sure she is a woman I am in some doubt And I would be verie loath to mary her except she proue a woman Par. I warrant thee shee is a woman why shouldst thou feare it Insâ—. Haue I not cause to feare it for if I should be maried to a beast or a iade I were vtterly vndone is it not good to be sure Par. Mistrust not that thou maist knowe by her speech and voice whether she be a woman or no Insa. Cannot her tongue deceaue me Par. Yes like enough but not in this case And if the worst fall you may easily knowe the first night you I le together Insa. I thanke you for nothing when it is too late Par. VVhy too late thou maist be rid of her presently and be parted the next day Insa. I could like that well enough so that I had her portion but is there such a course to be taken that they cannot be tied so fast but they may easilie be vndone Par. No question but the mariage is void Insa. That 's an excellent tricke I wish I had a grant vnder the great seale to vnmarrie all those that would faine be parted I would purchase Lordships Townes Countries Par. If you had yet must you vse discretion in it and devide none but such as are indeed no marriages at first but had impediments not dispensable Otherwise you might be cause of great sinne and inconvenience You must examine the reasons and proceed iudiciallie before you sever them rashly Insa. Never tell me let them looke to that at their own perill It would take vp too much time if there came to mee but 100 in a daie to examine them all No no if they were willing to be sundred I would vncouple them let them range afterward which waie they will for me Well vpon thy word that I may be divorced from her if she proue not a certaine woman I le vpon her whatsoever she be And I le catch her vpon a suddaine for feare least it be a dog bite me he goes stealing towards her with his hands forward Par. A
your caue to the countrie Are you as weary of private liuing as I am of too much company The newes must needes be great and strange which brings you hither Her No such matter as that my intended course of dwelling with my selfe sequestred from all resort should haue an end so long as my abode in this world endureth Farre be it from my thought euer to wish the change of my estate As now I am I trouble not others nor any man offendeth me And where no mistake is who can thinke of alteration my resolution hath bred my contentment the peace which I enjoy counter-valueth all maner of wants And my spiritual excercises take away tediousnes The cause of my comming hither Sir Securus is a Proclamation lately set forth by the king that all his subject being men of 21 yeares vpwards living within 50 miles of the Court shall appeare there within 14 days after notice given them And about three dayes past a pilgrim passing by my cell told me of this Edict and that it was vpon alleageance So I being his subject thogh seruing him to no other purpose but praying for him thought it my dutie to make my appearance and to depart without delay Secu. Sir I am right to haue intercepted you whether you be travailing to or fro the Court because this day is appointed for hearing and determining many controversies and censuring sundrie sorts of people And some of these differences beyond my learning You therefore come very fitly to aide me And this whole affaire being principally for peace making and ending debates without suite of Law you may not refuse to ioyne with me in a worke of so great charitie Her In very deed Sir euery ought to yeeld his best helpe to such workes And although I haue alreadie recorded my appearance at Court and licenced to returne to my poore home and would willingly spend some houres with you to so good a purpose yet Alas Sir I am like to prevaile very little with any body wanting both acquiantance and authoritie among them whosoever they be therefore I entreate my fruitlesse presence may bee spared but I will not be wanting to you with my prayers for your successe Secu. Sir for your authoritie and acquaintance it shall not skill All that I haue both those wayes shalbe conferred vpon you equally with my selfe If they despise you they shall contemne mee also Onely I entreate your companie this day and then I cease troubling you further whatsoeuer neede require hereafter Her Sir I expect no intreatie neither will I wrong you so much as to make further request to my poore selfe I stay willingly and am at your service in all things Secu. No seruant of mine Sir but my friend vpon equall tearmes They both sit downe in chaires some distance each from other ACT. II. SCENA I. Enter Rustico Hortano Acuto and Vulcano Neighbour Hortano I haue considered of the great coile we had the last Sabouth after evening praier in the verstrie about putting downe the Holy-dayes It hinders our businesse much And mee thinkes this praying in a Church among those of high degree is nothing pleasantable and blushing takes away my devotion I can pray a great deale better and with a more comelie grace when I whistle at plow And me thinkes't were a goodly matter if euery man in 's calling might follow his focation and there doe such devotion as his stomacke stands to Hor. Faith neighbour Rustico I am euen of your mind For I le bide by it I ha more weeds growes in one Holyday then in three workie dayes Rust. O you are a Gardner it becomes you wel to agree with the Husband man if we two hold together we shal be too hard for twentie fooles Hor. Indeed 't wer a gay thing if wee could put downe these Holy-dayes as you say Me thinks 't wer an easie matter as well as we ha put downe the Fasting-dayes pell mell hand ouer head An wee wood hang together 't wer soone done but when some are so arseward 't will neuer be Acu. You talke you know not what There were no reason in it for that were the way to breake all order and giue our mindes altogether to toyle and neuer serue God For you would not stay there neither if you had your will but the Sondayes should shortly goe downe for company You will leaue nothing standing Rust. O you are a Tayler you speake for your profit For an 't were not for Holy-dayes which require fine cloathes and much change you might begge your bread Vul. You hit the naile on the head neighbour Rustico Wee le put them downe an you 'll keepe stroke with me Acu. Nay Sirra if any man hit the naile on the head it should be you because you are a Smith but soft you are so hot with your rip rapping that you misse the nayle and Anvyle also For my part although I doe boldly worke on Holy dayes as other taylers vse Christmasse day and all yet would I not misse the Holy-dayes for any good nor would I breake the order without necessity But is it so easie a matter to put downe the Holy-dayes thinke you And will you doe it with the furious fire-forke And you Master Gardner that will rake vp Holy-dayes and Fasting-dayes like weedes and bury them all in a trench you are both both fowly deceiued For neither haue you put downe the Fasting-dayes because still they are bidden in Churches nor is the case alike for Fasting is private and cannot so well be punished but if you come not to Church vp you go not to Church vp you goe for a Recusant an you were my father Rust. Why for all that shud we be troubled with so many holydaies wood not fewer serue the turne as well I doe not thinke our auncetrums were so pestred Acu. Yea and with many more and kept the eues halfe holy Rust. How didne a then for doing their businesse sure a were all beggers And yet t wood anger me that my graundsir should be a begger I it wood Acu. Not so neither They liued very well and had not the twentith begger that we haue and were great housekeepers every man almost They built all the Townes Colledges and Religious houses Rust. Didne a so indeed I cha hard my grandsir grannam tauke much of those things Sure but I thinke they went to plow and cart on the workydaies and built those things you tauke on vpon the holydaies or else it cood neuer be Acu. No no They suffered no kind of lighter workes to be done in those daies much lesse such painefull labours as they were Rust. Why were the Saints daies kept holy at all Tell me some reason for it Acu. They did in those daies giue great honour to such as suffered death for Christian religion although the men were as poore as Christs fishermen And therefore the daies of their martyrdome they kept holy and came to Church to glorifie and praise that God for whom