nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him